I spun the wheel violently as I pulled around the corner onto my road. Kyle's engine whined in rebellion as it pushed hard and fast down the final stretch. I was sick. There was no way he was gone. I could not accept it. The rows of corn became a blur as I continued to accelerate. I couldn't stop. My driveway came into view about mile down the road. I pushed the gas peddle all the way down. My heart was pounding. I maxed out the speedometer at eighty miles-- probably the fastest the car had gone since the days when back doors still worked. I clenched the steering wheel until it hurt. The driveway was rapidly approaching, but I wasn't gonna slow down. Why should I?
With about a hundred feet to go I stood on the brake and jerked the steering wheel as far to the right as it would go. The tires screamed as the car slid across the pavement another fifty feet. I was sitting sideways in the middle of the road just outside my house. My breath had been caught on something in my throat. With little fanfare, I shifted the car down, and pulled quietly into the driveway.
As I stepped out, wet gravel crunched beneath my feet. The temperature was somewhere in the low eighties with a soft breeze blowing. The light of the sun caught the drops of water on the lawn and each blade of grass glistened. It was so beautiful. So absolutely disgusting. A foul splendor spread out before me. How dare the sun shine so beautifully! What gives the air the right to smell so sweet? My stomach turned upside down from the perfection. You would never know the type of shit that had just gone down.
My feet sunk into the soft earth as I walked over to the mailbox. I grabbed the wad of bills and sale guides before heading inside.
"Oh thank god. Eric's home!" my mom screamed as I stepped through the door.
The air in the house was thick and stale.
"Hey." I said weakly as I sorted through the mail.
"Where have you been? Your father and I have been worried sick!" she said exasperated.
I dropped the junk mail into the trash can and threw the rest on the table.
"I've been with Kyle." I said. The room instantly became silent.
My father leaned forward and sorted through the mail. His broad shoulders cast an imposing shadow on the floor.
"Are you alright?" my mother asked. The tone in her voice made her inquiry seem more like an inference.
"Yeah, I'm cool." I said quietly.
My dad picked up a small white envelop and analyzed it carefully. His eyes darted back and forth as he flipped it over quizzically. I watched his eyebrows lift and then settle once again.
"This is for you." he grumbled. I stepped forward and took the envelope from him-- our eyes never met.
"Eric..." my mother began cautiously, "I heard something interesting about Kyle this morning."
The envelope was wrinkled from being wet. My name and address were scrawled across the front of it in shaky writing. There was no return address. A jolt shot through my body when I finally realized what it was that I was holding. I saw stars behind my eyelids and tried to balance myself against the wall.
"Eric... Did you hear what I said?" my mom pestered.
"Yeah. Listen I gotta go lay down for a minute-- I'm feeling a little dizzy." I said as I turned and walked away from them. She kept on talking.
The stairs leading to my room seemed to go on forever. I climbed higher and higher. The envelope felt like it weighed a million pounds, and made each step forward an agony. My hand reached for the door knob laboriously. I stepped into my room and fell onto the bed in slow motion.
The letter held high above my head, I grabbed the corners tightly and ripped it open. My eyes were closed, and my teeth were gritted tight. I ran my hand over the wavy paper, and uncreased the careful folds. My fingers slid across the smeared black ink at the top of the page.
I wanted to scream! I wanted to tear it up without even looking at what it said. Unfortunately, I couldn't.
9/30/91
Eric,
Hey bud. What's up? I'm not doing to swell but thanks for asking. I saw my dad today and told him I hated his guts. he told me that I was a waste of his time. I guess you heard that I got out yesterday? pretty cool huh? Yeah Im pretty tricky. I just wanted to write. I dont know why. I guess to say that Im really gonna miss you guys. Tell ry and kyle I said hi. Its been awesome. I'll see you all in a while I am sure.
Later,
Justin.
P.S. This is for you. Get out of here.
A key fell out of the envelope.
There is no way to describe what went through my head as I read this. The whole world was insane. From coast to coast this planet was fucked up beyond belief. What the fuck was the purpose of living if shit like this was gonna fly up at you every five minutes. Who the fuck set this place up? No! No! No!
A fire burned behind my eyes but the tears weren't extinguishing it. He hurt. I hurt. Kyle hurt. Ryan hurt. The old man at the post office hurt. But why? What was the point? Why should people, good people, be subjected such pain? An ache spread across my entire body. My chest felt hollow, but my head was full.
It was too much at once. Justin, Ryan, and Kyle. The sun, the wind, and the rain. Sorrow, pride, and love. It all came to a point right then in my room. In that moment everything became clearer than it had been in my entire life. The world was sharp and crisp. All the fog had been lifted and what I saw around me was the stark truth that was reality. With out even thinking about it my mind was made up. Without even knowing it my heart had charted its course. There was no turning back. He was he. I was me. We were we. Screw anyone who couldn't handle that.
I folded up the letter and stuck it in the breast pocket of my shirt; the key disappeared into my wallet. Heavy thuds followed me down the stairs.
They were still in the kitchen-- clueless. My mom sipped her coffee, my father his tea. It was really all so ridiculous that it would ever have to come to this. I could feel it in the air; this was gonna turn into a circus. I entered the ring ready for war.
"Mom. Let me tell you something about Kyle. No matter what you may have heard, he is and will always be my best friend. If you had any clue the sort of stuff he had to put up with." I paused and took a breath.
"You know what? Yeah, I knew he was gay. Does it matter though? Does it make him less of a person? Would you have kept us from growing up together if you had known? Why? It doesn't mean a thing mom. Not a damn thing." The last time I cussed in front of my mother I was laying in the grass with a broken arm.
"Eric. Honey..." she began.
"No. Not Eric honey. It doesn't make a difference. There is nothing wrong with him." I swallowed, "There is nothing wrong with me."
If only I could have believed my own words.
"Mom. I am gay, and you know what? I couldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks." The words reverberated around the room several times before making their impact.
Ladies and Gentleman! Welcome one and all to the greatest show on earth! Tonight beneath this tent you will see death defying feats of bravery and marvels of the modern world. My mother's jaw hit the floor and a bell rang somewhere. My father growled menacingly from his cage in the corner.
"Excuse me?" she said with a snarl.
"You heard it right mom. Your little boy is queer." I felt my lips form a twisted smile.
"No he isn't." she smiled in return.
"Um. Yes he is." I said with a wink.
I wish I could say that her eyes turned red and she began to spit flames, but I can't-- she cried. Long mournful cries. The sobs of someone who just lost her child. Tears ran down her pale cheeks. My father sat frighteningly still with his eyes glued to me. I couldn't escape his glare. My mom bobbed her head up and down whispering things under her breath. Horrible, horrible things. I will never forget the pain in her voice.
"Get out." she said through the sobs. "Just get out." A long bony finger stretched out towards the door.
Just like that it was over. I turned and walked away. Out of the kitchen. Across the foyer. Through the door. Down the porch steps. I was afraid to look back to the smoldering ruins that lay behind me. My skin burned like it was still in the fire, but inside I was so cold. Out of instinct, or maybe something else, I went right past my truck and got into Kyle's car.
I sat down behind the steering wheel and took a deep breath. It smelled just like him. My hands were trembling from the adrenaline. Everything felt like it was buzzing. I pulled out of the driveway less than a half an hour after I arrived home.
I knew of only one place to go. Ryan's house. It just seemed like the only safe place left. I sped down the long country road, trying to keep myself focused on driving. I drove using my left hand only; my right rested in the empty space between the driver and passenger seats. I longed for Kyle's hand to be there as well, holding me tightly and telling me it would be alright. I felt so terribly alone. I really don't remember much of the drive. My mind wandered off to a faraway place
By the time that I finally stumbled through the backdoor of Ryan's house the impact of my actions had set up camp in my head. I did it-- but at the same time I really wished I hadn't. The house was warm and light. Sun streamed in through the windows and cast lace patterns on the floor. I stood in the mudroom and watched as Ryan cooked something on the stove. He turned towards me as I stepped into the kitchen. Our eyes met.
"What's wrong?" he said in a serious voice, setting down his spoon and turning off the burner.
"Oh my god." I said to no one, while trudging towards the kitchen table.
I sat down slowly and ran my fingers through the grooves in the ancient wood. I lost myself in thought-- absolutely oblivious to Ryan's persistent questioning. Strange daydreams flashed before my eyes. Each of them a different shade of red. I could feel Ryan next to me, but his voice came from somewhere far off. I felt his hand squeezing me, but at the same time I could not feel my own.
Then I was alone. When I woke from my daze an orange glow filled the room. My eyes shot from corner to corner trying to find Ryan. I rested my head in my hands and began to cry. It felt good. Each warm tear ran down the bridge of my nose before jumping off at the end. I watched them spot the table. Drip. Drip. They splashed down from high above before merging to make little puddles. I couldn't stop them once they started. They kept on coming faster and faster. The tears formed and ocean of my sorrow, and it consumed me. I struggled with all my might to stay afloat, but I felt like I was lost at sea with nothing to keep me from drowning.
"Ryan!" I heard her shout as she dropped the groceries on the floor.
A soft hand rested on the back of my neck. Her tiny little eyes, the ones that spoke volumes, gazed deeply into mine.
"Eric honey, what's the matter?" she asked quietly. Ryan rushed frantically into the kitchen shouting into the phone.
"I'm gay," I said with a whimper, "but it is not my fault. No one seems to understand."
Her tiny body wrapped itself around me. She smelt like lilacs.
"Shhhhh. Don't cry," she whispered, "Everything is going to be alright."
So sorry it took me such a long time to get this chapter to you. The last week of class has been an absolute nightmare! I am 100% positive I will post again shortly, but just in case I don't say so later have a happy holiday.
Regards,
Sam (samsam345@gmail.com)