I instinctively grabbed my pants pocket when I heard the muffled ring of my cell. The phone in my pocket was not what was making the noise. Kyle looked at me and smiled.
"Trade?" he said quietly as we swapped phones beneath the kitchen table.
I answered just as the final ring began.
"Eric?" asked a woman's voice.
"Yeah, who's this?" I replied coldly.
"Hi, it's Bev. How are you doing?" Instantly I associated the name and the twangy voice with that of Ryan's mom.
"I'm fine how are you?" I said kindly in an attempt to make up for my previous rudeness.
"Not bad. Listen, I am at work and I won't be off until later this evening... is there any chance you could just stop over and check on Ryan sometime today? He wasn't feeling well when I left this morning." she asked politely.
"No problem, I was probably gonna head over that way in a few minutes."
"Oh, thank you so much I really appreciate it."
"Anytime," I replied in a suave voice.
"Alright then. I'll talk to you later. Ba-Bye." she said sweetly before hanging up the phone
Ryan's mom was really a lovely lady. She was one of those people who's face spoke novels. Deep lines marked the edges of her twinkling eyes; a testament to all she had been through. Her warm skin glowed with maternal love. She cared for her boys--- all of them. Ryan, Samuel, Mark, Eric, Kyle, and Justin. She was everyone's mom. There was no questioning that fact and she loved it. Sometimes I felt closer to her than I did to my own mother. I know it sounds terrible but it's the truth.
"Its going to be chilly the next couple of days." my mother said to Kyle as she tightened the grip on her warm coffee mug and shivered.
"I'm not complaining." laughed Kyle.
She looked at me with an expression of concern.
"Who was that hun?" she asked.
"Oh it was just Ryan's mom. She wants me to go check on him... he caught a bug." I explained.
"Should I make him some soup?"
"I don't think so, but I will make sure he knows you are worried about him." I said with a half smile. Sometimes she just seemed cornier than life.
"Alright, if he doesn't look well give me a call and I will be over in a jiffy. I don't leave for the hospital until six."
"Yup, I will be sure to remember that." I lied as I pushed my chair back from the table and stood up. "I guess Kyle and I are gonna take off."
"Okay. Be good." she smiled. I gave her a peck on the cheek before heading out the door, Kyle just steps behind.
The rain had tapered to a misty drizzle making it near impossible to see beyond my mailbox. I walked past my car and over to Kyle's to open his door.
"Your chariot." I said sarcastically. He got in and slammed the door.
I ran around the front of the car and hopped in the passenger seat. Kyle turned the ignition and after several failed attempts the car whined back to life. I strapped myself in with the ancient, half ripped, seat belt and held on for the ride.
Kyle pulled out of my driveway entirely too fast before speeding down the foggy road. I was anxious to get to Ryan's house. Maybe he could shed some light into Justin's actions earlier that morning. Maybe he had said something one of those times they were under "The Beast" together. I had been wracking my brain all morning trying to figure out the fucked up reasoning was behind this. From what my mom had told us, he basically got out of bed and left. Just changed into a pair of clothes that we had brought him and walked out. No one questioned him. He just faded into the hustle and bustle. A visitor maybe? Outpatient? It boggled my mind how he worked up the courage to take a risk like that; maybe it didn't bother him. The security cameras showed him leaving the hospital at 10:05. It was another twenty minutes before someone noticed.
The hypnotic movements of the windshield wipers kept us quiet. We probably wouldn't have been able to hear much over the puttering of Kyle's car anyway. He drove with an ease which seemed to contradict the weather conditions all around us. His one arm rested on the window frame allowing him to steer without much movement, the other hung naturally to the side, his hand resting on the fabric between us. I reached down and covered his hand with mine. He looked at me and smiled.
The relatively short drive to Ryan's was made slightly longer by the rain, but not by much. Kyle pulled down the long driveway to the back of the farmhouse.
"You coming in or are you just gonna do a drop and go?" I questioned, wondering why he had not turned off the car.
"I am going to head home. To be completely honest I don't feel like getting sick." he frowned.
"Wimp." I said as I gave his hand a squeeze. "I guess I will get his mom to give me a ride home later. I don't have anything else to do this afternoon."
Kyle and I exchanged nods as I got out of the car. I watched as he backed down the gravel drive and drove away.
The second that I stepped into Ryan's house I knew something was wrong. The kitchen sink was still occupied with breakfast dishes, the kids' raincoats rested in a heap on the floor, and just about every light in the house was off. The faint blue glow of a TV crept its way out of the family room and into the hall.
"Where's Ryan?" I asked to the collection of kids reclining about the room.
"He's up in his room. Mom says not to wake him." said Jenna. Her and Katie were huddled together on the couch. The two boys, laid on their bellies in front of the TV wearing nothing but underwear. Typical. All of them were deeply engrossed with the cartoon they were watching, and didn't flinch as I began to climb the stairs up to Ryan's bedroom.
He was the only one with his own room. His mom bunked with the girls, and his two brothers slept across the hall. I guess it was out of respect for the huge role he had acquired that they allowed him this one sanctuary from the chaos. The wooden floorboards creaked loudly with each step I took down the narrow hallway. Ryan's room was at the very end, a white door with a "Dark side of the Moon" sticker stuck dead center. I rapped on it softly with my knuckles.
"Hey Ry?" I called.
"Yeah." I heard him mumble from inside.
"Can I come in." I asked.
"Yeah." he replied softly.
It was dark. A broken set of blinds hung over three quarters of his window. I stepped in and carefully closed the door behind me. My eyes strained in the darkness as I scanned the room carefully, not quite sure where Ryan was. After three passes I saw movement in the shadows. Ryan was sitting on the floor in the corner, still wearing only boxers and his undershirt, with his knees pulled up to his chest. He was unshaven, and looked like he hadn't slept the night before.
"Hey," I said quietly, "How are you feeling?"
"Shitty." Ryan grumbled.
"That sucks." I walked across the room and sat down beside him.
He wasn't sick. I knew this the second I saw him. Just like his father, Ryan groomed himself in a ritualistic manner. I remember one night when Ryan stayed over my house and we were up all night drinking vodka and playing cards. The next morning I woke up to him spewing his guts on my bedroom floor. He was one sick pup, but even with the hangover of a lifetime on board he carried out his morning routine. After twenty minutes in the bathroom, Ryan emerged looking like a prince. No, this was definitely not about his health.
I looked at his face. It was all wrong. Everything about it said "help me." The smile which normally formed on the edges of his mouth was missing. His usually happy eyes where replaced by blank sad stares.
"Ry... what's going on?" I asked already having a clue as to the answer.
"Take a guess." he said coldly.
"Emmy?" I questioned.
Ryan made a popping sound with his lips. "Bingo." he replied sarcastically. This was going to be fun.
At this point I wanted to leave. What was I supposed to say to him? What could I say? The situation he was in sucked, but there was nothing he could do about it. His eyes were locked on the empty wall directly in front of him.
"Yeah," I said, "Bingo."
We sat in silence for a long, painful five minutes. The rain tinkered on the tin roof outside the window.
My voice cracked as I spoke. "Ry, you can't hide from this."
"Why the fuck not?" he shouted. I was shocked. He had never raised his voice at me before and it hurt like a dagger through the heart.
"Why not? Because Emmy, is pregnant with your baby. She is the love of your life, and I know you would never, ever leave and make her carry the weight alone like..."
I came to a dead stop as I realized what I was about to say. The death of Ryan's dad was a terrible mistake, but it was preventable. No one had wanted him to re-enlist. Not his wife. Not his sons and daughters. Not even his own aging parents. But he did anyway and ended up making the ultimate sacrifice as a result of that decision. Ryan hated him for the longest time because of that fact. Even today it is a topic which is never brought up.
"Like my dad did to my mom." he finished for me.
"Yeah." I solemnly agreed.
"I am just... afraid." A tear ran from the corner of his eye, "I am afraid that I won't be able to do it. That Emmy and I will end up hating each other. That I am gonna be a guy who constantly has to think about what could've been."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"Are fucking kidding me? Did you seriously just say what I thought you just said... I don't know maybe you are sick. You are afraid that you are not going to be able to do it? Ryan, you do it right now. You have been doing it for the past three years! You make the lunches, you kiss the boo boos, you fix the broken toys and mend the sashes. I don't know what you think the responsibilities you have taken on are called, but I consider it parenting. You have been a father to those guys down stairs-- and they shower upon you all the love and respect a father should receive." I was amazed at the ease that I said this.
"And the sheer thought that you and Em will not live happy, romance filled lives until you are old and wrinkly and rolling around the house with walkers... well just strike that thought from your head because it ain't happenin'. You two are the all American couple. I mean seriously, can you see yourself loving someone as much as you do her?" I smiled, very pleased with what I said.
"No." he mumbled.
"Exactly."
I watched as another tear welled up in his eye before streaking down his face. He shivered. I slid closer to him, and gently rubbed my hand against the smooth skin of his upper arm.
"Hey. Everything is going to be fine. This was going to happen eventually, we all knew it. It is just a matter of timing, you've got a lot of shit going on right now. But I know deep down in my gut... no not my gut, my heart. I know that you are going to have a perfect baby with your beautiful Emmy, and you are going to be the best dad ever to walk the face of the earth. No questions asked." It was the honest god damn truth... I don't know why he couldn't see it.
"But how do you know that I..." he began
"Because I do Ryan. I do, and you do, and everyone who as ever known you does. This is how it was meant to be."
He leaned over and cried into my shoulder softly until there was a knock on the door.
It was Samuel. "Hey Ryan, Jenna was trying to make peanut butter for sandwiches in the blender but now it is smoking."
Ryan stood up, looked in the mirror, and got ready to meet the day.