All rights reserved. Copyright held by the author. This is a work of fiction containing explicit sex and graphic language. If you are offended by such, underage, or live in a state or territory where literature of this nature is unlawful, please exit now and read no farther....R.C.
"HALF PAST SUNSET, AN HOUR BEFORE DAWN"
by
Ritch Christopher
Chapter Eight
"CARLA'S A WHAT???" Del screamed into the phone.
"You heard me," I said.
"Jesus Christ, Chris!" Del continued. "Why the fuck did you have to pull that trick on Eric? Goddamn! I don't believe this!"
"I didn't do it." I tried to explain. "Charlene did it as kind of a joke, knowing as we all did, that it wouldn't go very far. How was any of us to know that Eric, who is your MARRIED brother would be brazen enough to take anyone, let alone Carla, to a hotel? But I swear to God I DID NOT know Carla was a guy until after she and Eric had left. You've gotta believe me!"
"I'm trying to."
"Honestly, Del, do you think I would risk my life by subjecting it to Eric's vengeance, just to play a dirty trick like that on him?"
"I suppose not...But then, he let on like he'd slept with her. Maybe Eric thought I didn't know that Carla was a guy...WHICH I DIDN'T!!. My God, Chris, Eric must've found her penis if he took her clothes off."
"Hold on a minute! It's just possible that he DIDN'T find out." I said.
"Whaddya mean?"
"I've heard about trannies that kept their secret from their straight boyfriends for years." I said.
"Now how the hell did they do that?"
"Rear entry, babe! Rear entry and blow jobs."I explained. "I don't think they were legitimate, but I saw this couple on the Jerry Springer Show who claimed they got married...with a license and everything."
"I wouldn't buy that bullshit on that show!"
"Yeah, but think about it! Eric DID have a lot to drink...maybe Carla gave him a blow job and he was so satisfied that he stopped before they actually had intercourse."
"I suppose that's possible. It makes sense when you put it that way. Goddamn! As well as I know my own brother, I KNOW he'd never go to bed with a transvestite if he knew about it."
"Well, there you are...that explains it!" I said, relieved."The thing IS...we can't let him go out with her tonight or ever again and maybe he'll never know the difference."
"I know you're right about that...because IF HE DID find out, he would kill you, me, AND Carla."
"I've got to reach Charlene and ask her to make Carla quietly disappear."
"That's the best thing you've said!" Del exclaimed. "Eric's still asleep, but when he wakes up, I'll make up some story that Carla called and her mother had died or something and she'd have to go out of town for a month or two."
"Fantastic!" I concurred. "At least I'll feel safer walking the street, knowing that Eric's not behind me with a machine gun or butcher knife."
"OK, guy, call me sometime after noon and I'll tell you what's happened here. In the meantime, for God's sake, don't forget to call Charlene."
"OK, babe, I'll call you around one o'clock. Be brave, this might not be as bad as we think. Seeya!"
"Bye," Del said.
I pushed the disconnect button on the phone and hit number two on my speed dial to get Charlene.
"Hello? Are you calling to say this is the end of the world?" Charlene said, upon answering.
"No, darling, the world isn't ending just yet." I said.
"Then why do I feel like it?" She said in her deepest masculine tone.
"Charlene, it's me, Chris."
"I know who I'm talking to, you fool. I was diagnosed with 'rule out Alzheimer's' on my last physical examination."
"Charlene, I'm sorry to wake you, but do you think you can get hold of Carla this morning?"
"I'd bet my life on it. All I have to do is reach out and touch her."
"Whaddya mean? You mean, she's there?...At your apartment?"
"How else could I reach out and touch her? Of course she's here. Eric dropped her off early this morning after their impromptu tete-a-tete...that does mean head to head, doesn't it?...in Croatian or something?"
"Did you and Carla talk when she arrived?"
"No, we lit fires and grabbed two blankets off the bed and sent each other smoke signals! OF COURSE WE TALKED!!! Do you think I could go to sleep without finding out all the lurid details of her rendezvous with the mass dairy murderer?"
"Charlene, did she tell you what happened?"
"Just before she dropped off into a coma. Poor dear...God knows I tried to revive her...but it was too late. She just sorta turned over...and that was the end of her. I just can't wait to see her wearing that black sheath in her coffin. She hated black...but there's no way she's gonna stop me from dressing her in it...for all eternity."
"Charlene, what the fuck are you talking about? Is she all right or isn't she?"
"She's asleep, darling...waiting on her seven midgets to stand over her and jerk off white cummettes all over her naked body...Cummettes or cum puffs? Which is it?"
"Jesus Christ, will you get serious for a moment?"
"Darling, I only get serious when I'm down on my knees or flat on my back with my legs spread wide in the air."
"Am I gonna have to get in my car and drive over to your apartment to find out how she is...and more important...what happened between her and Eric last night?"
"No, sweetie pie, I'll tell you. When they got to the Alistair Hotel, Eric opened an huge magnum of champagne...just for the two of them! Can you imagine it?...A whole magnum!!!"
"And THEN what happened?"
"What do you think? They made love!"
"What KIND of love? I mean, who did what to whom?"
"Oh...that..."
"YES, THAT!...Well?"
"Chris, my dear, your 'maybe' brother-in-law was hornier than you and I imagined...Eric yanked her panties off and did a tremendous muff dive that got straight sixes from all the judges...and he sucked her cock!!!"
"HE WHAT???!!!"
"Eric went down on her...cock, balls, and all!"
"Good God! Did he know what he was doing or was he too drunk?"
"Oh, he knew...because he stopped midway through and asked her to fuck him in the ass. Oh God, I hate to use such coarse words this early in the day!"
"Charlene, I swear to you on our friendship that if you're lying to me, I burn all all your wigs and report you to the NYPD for solicitation."
"Chris, honey, will you calm down for a second? Carla described to me everything that happened down to the most minute detail...even how Eric screamed when she plowed his virgin asshole. He has this little mole on his..."
"All right! All right! I believe you! I get the picture! It's just that it's difficult for me to believe that Eric would let down his guard to a total stranger that he'd known for only a few hours."
"Honey, you're so gay, you don't understand the wiles of a wicked woman!"
"God, Del is never going to believe this! I don't know whether I should be the one to tell him or I should wait and let Eric tell him, himself. This news is going to be quite a shock to him!"
"Babycakes, if it were me and Del was my love interest, I'd just play innocent and let Eric tell Del what he wants or needs to know."
"Perhaps you're right."
"A girl always knows what's right!"
"The reason I was calling you was to see if you could ask Carla to find a way to cancel the date that she and Eric had made for tonight. Now I don't know what to do. Eric wanted Del and me to go to the Hat Box with the two of them tonight. What do you think? I need help, friend!"
"If Eric was in control of his faculties, and I believe that he WAS, I'd keep my mouth shut and go out with them. Then let nature take its course."
"My God! What if Eric doesn't tell Del? I'd feel like a heel by letting him stay in the dark about something everyone else knows already."
"Why don't you call Del later this afternoon and feel him out? Give the two of them a chance to talk...like brothers. Then you can decide whether YOU should be the one to tell him."
"Good idea! For the time being, please don't let Carla know that you told me what you did."
"Honey, I'll be as closed-lipped as Dorothy Kilgallen."
"Charlene, Dorothy Kilgallen is dead."
"I know, silly. That's how closed-lipped I'll be."
"You nut!"
"There you go again, questioning my sanity!"
"Jesus! Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you?"
"Because I'm adorable and you love me!"
"I know and irresistible and beautiful and desirable and...
"PLEASE! That's enough! I can't stand to hear all those compliments without having my make-up on."
"Go work your wonders with Estee Lauder and I'll talk to you later on this afternoon."
"I no longer use Ms. Lauder's products. It's strictly Princess Nyla cosmetics from now on."
"Well, whatever...Goodbye, Charlene...and thanks."
"Just call me anytime for an update on who's doing whom. 'Bye darling."
I hung up, not knowing whether to laugh or take a Xanax after the news I'd just heard about Eric and the Sleeping Beauty. The news was going to kill Del! First of all he would deny it and secondly, he'd never believe it even if Eric, himself, told him. One good thing about the occurrence, it had gotten my mind off the impending appointment at the Health Department. As serious as it had been yesterday and last night, it seemed trivial today. I decided I wouldn't worry until I had all the facts. I KNEW I'd always been careful where sex was concerned because I'd always treated sex like a serious business. It took up half my time and had made up most of my adult life. I was hungry for breakfast food, so I dressed and went to the nearby Ham and Eggs, bought a newspaper and sat at the restaurant table while I worked the crossword puzzle. Fourteen across needed a four letter word for "fate". My first instinct was to write, "E-R-I-C" or "A-I-D-S", but neither word seemed to fit. I settled for "D-O-O-M" and kept going. That wasn't the correct answer, but it seemed to fit my mood better, so I left it. I flipped over to the entertainment section to read the movie reviews for films that had opened yesterday. A new Billy Crudup movie had opened which I knew would make Johnny happy. It also meant that Charlene and I would have to go with him to see it. I felt the presence of a figure standing by my table staring at me. I looked up to see Brian, my man who wore the "star".
"Any good movies opened?" Brian asked.
"Oh, hi, Brian. I don't know. I was just beginning to read the reviews."
"I don't suppose you'd consider going to see one of them with me?" he asked.
"Sure...I don't see why not." I replied.
"Pardon my saying this, but you always seem to be avoiding me, like you had something pressing or there was someone in your life you were afraid of being unfaithful to. Do you mind my asking, 'Is there'?"
"Yes and no." I said, "I have an 'arrangement' with someone, but it's one of those 'on-again', 'off-again' situations...mostly, 'off'."
"And you're afraid that, by going out with me, you'd ruin whatever there is of your relationship?"
"Something like that...Brian, please sit down, I need someone to talk with."
"Sure, thanks," he said, taking off his jacket before sitting down. The waiter came to take his order. He asked for a cup of cafe au lait.
"Brian, I have a problem...or at least I THINK I have a problem and I'd like to discuss it."
"Shoot...I'm all ears."
For the next fifteen minutes I talked, non-stop, about the letter I'd received from the HD. He listened intently without showing any emotion in his face until I was through.
"Is that it?" he asked.
"That's it."
"Well, I received a letter like that once. I worried about it for over two weeks before I got the guts to go and have myself checked."
"And...?"
"It was nothing. Some college kid I had met, contracted spinal meningitis and he'd turned my name in for possible infection."
"And did you have it?"
"Not a trace. I had a big shot of gamma globulin just to be safe. But before I found out, I'd died a thousand deaths from a million diseases I'd imagined."
"That's what I'm doing now."
"Chris, the important thing is to find out as soon as possible...you know the adage, 'an early detection can mean an early cure'."
"But what if I DON'T want to know?"
"Oh, I went through that feeling, too, but then, I weighed how much my friends meant to me. I decided if I loved them and IF I had something, I didn't want to run the risk of giving something contagious to them. That's the unselfish thing to do."
"God, I'm glad I talked with you. You made me feel so much better and not quite so scared...I owe you."
"Enough to go out to dinner and a movie with me?" he asked.
"I suppose, but let me set the date...when I'm ready."
"Your fear about HIV...do you think your friend has it?"
"I'm certain that he doesn't."
"Did you date a lot before him? I'm sorry for being so nosy. I just want to get to know you better."
"Jesus, Brian, you don't want to know how many guys I've been out with."
"Lots, huh?"
"Lots and lots...Sorry, I'm not painting a very desirable picture of myself to you." I said.
"I find you desirable no matter how many guys there've been."
"Oops, now you're coming ON to me."
"I want to."
"I'll let you...only just...not now. I'll let you know when."
"OK, in the meantime, I'll keep you at the top of my jerk off fantasies!"
"You're kidding!"
"Nope, I went home and jerked off thinking about you that first day you drove into the filling stations."
"Damn, Brian! Don't you date much?"
"Nope. I'm very selective...maybe too much so."
"Maybe I'll stop by the station and give you a few reasons to enhance your fantasies."
"Promises! Promises!...or so the song goes."
"You like Dionne Warwick?"
"I adore her. I've got all her albums AND the ones released on CD."
"Me, too...What's your favorite song by her?"
"'Whoever You Are, I Love You' tops my hit parade."
"Goddamn! That's MY favorite."
"You see. We have more in common than you think. Maybe fate wants us to get together!"
"We'll see...I'll take that into consideration." I found myself smiling and wondered about that possibility.
Brian picked up his tab and jacket and started to leave.
"I guess if that's all I can do for you right now, I'll be leaving." he said.
"Brian, thanks a million. I don't think you realized how much you've helped me with this talk."
"I think I have some idea...as I said, I went through the same thing as you with the HD letter...and at the time, all I had was my mother to talk with. Somehow I knew she'd never understand, so I kept the goddamned thing to myself."
"You live with your mom?" I asked.
"I did...until she died last year. I lost my dad when I was ten...no brothers or sisters...she was all I had."
"You live alone now?"
"Yeah. You?"
"For the time being. My 'arrangement' with my 'almost' significant other has a 'non-committal' caveat attached to it. Neither of us wants to give up out apartments."
"What part of town do you live in?"
"In the mid-eighties and Central Park West." I replied.
He whistled, "Tres chic. That's a little bit out of my league."
"That's the way I feel about his place on West End Avenue. Where do you live?"
"I have a one and a half room walk-up on West 78th between Columbus and Amsterdam. It was my mom's and was rent-controlled, otherwise I couldn't afford it on a gas jockey's job. I'd like to invite you over but I'm afraid there's nothing there to impress you with."
"I'm not so sure...you'd be there, wouldn't you?"
"Yep, just me and a 19" TV set. I do have a new CD player. So if you're ever bored and feel like slumming, drop by. Oh, here, let me write my phone number down for you."
Brian grabbed a paper napkin and jotted down his number. I suppose I was rude to him, because I didn't give him my number...but that was out of habit. I never gave my phone number to anyone. It just dawned on me, that I wasn't sure if I had given it to Del. At any rate, I took the piece of paper from Brian, thanked him again, and said goodbye.
I asked the waiter for another coffee refill and I sat there continuing to look at the entertainment section of the paper. My thoughts weren't on movies. I couldn't get Brian off my mind. He'd been gone less that five minutes and I suddenly missed him. He was extremely good looking but that's not what attracted me to him. To be honest, he was sexually attractive, but that still wasn't it. It wasn't his intellect or what he said, it was the way he said it. He'd sat across from me for almost an hour. That's the most time we'd ever spent together, but somehow, I felt he was truly concerned about me and my problem...as trivial as it might appear to be, he knew it was upsetting me and he cared.
During the past seven years, I'd met hundreds of guys who looked like Brian. With each of them, I'd find a way to get them into bed and be done with them forever after just a few hours of sex. I all but fell head over heels in love the night I'd met Del. He was attractive in every way...charm, looks, intelligence, status, immaculately graced with poise and manners. To me, Del was the catch of a lifetime of looking, longing, and yearning...but then, why had I gone to bed with Max, the first chance I had to be away from Del? I wondered if I would've done the same if Brian had been in Del's place in my life? Del and Brian were so vastly different, but yet so similar in many ways. Whatever it was that I couldn't put my finger on, I was attracted to both of them...for different reasons. I had told Brian my secret of a possible HIV infection and I couldn't bring myself to mention it to Del. Why?
The most immediate matter at hand was whether I should or shouldn't tell Del about Carla. Why was I being so protective of Del's feelings? If we were lovers in the truest sense, I should be able to tell him anything! But I couldn't! There was some kind of barrier between us that separated our relationship from sharing. Hell! I could've told Brian about his brother faster than two shakes of a donkey's dick! I was certain that I must delve into my feelings for Del before our affair went any further.
I paid my check and left the restaurant. Coming down the street was a police car driven by Max. His partner was with him. As the car approached me, I put up my hand to wave at Max, but he focused his eyes away from me and chose not to wave back. His partner waved at me in a friendly manner though. God, I thought that gay life had reached beyond little things like not speaking or turning you head to look the other way when you recognized a fellow gay.,,especially one you'd had sex with. For some reason, Max's ignoring me hurt me. Goddamn! Had I started carrying my feelings on my shoulder like some wimpish fag? Monday was only 1 1/2 days away. Soon I could be back at work with my students where I was king, but it seemed like an eternity away.
The idea that I'd thought of myself as a wimp made me angry. I had to prove my masculinity...my manhood. I would go over to Del's and confront Eric and watch him squirm while I put the screws to him about Carla's deception. I tossed a coin in my mind whether to walk, take my car, or flag a cab. I opted for the first. I was in no hurry to get to Del's and that was just another reason to walk. New York is so entrancing in Autumn. I decided to take an out- of-the way detour and walk in Central Park. I wanted to feel the wind, see the colored leaves and hear them crunch beneath my footsteps. Everywhere I looked down the paths were guys, girls, couples...both young and old, walking their dogs on leashes. It looked as if the Westminster Kennel Club was having an outdoor promenade as I saw every kind of dog from a chihuahua to a yellow Labrador and every size in between. A stupid thought occurred to me while I walked..."Do people ever walk their cats?" and "Do they make cat leashes?" The idea of walking a pet in the park was so appealing I wouldn't've been surprised to see someone walking their goldfish. There was a hum in the air. You could hear the streets doing some kind of concrete exercises trying to rev up for the soon-coming Macy's parade. The hills in the park were trying to soak up the sunshine for they knew in a few short days they would be covered with snow. There was something exciting that began on October 1st and lasting through New Year's Day...Saturday college football games, the pros on Sunday, Halloween Trick or Treaters, Thanksgiving. Christmas shopping, tree trimming, Christmas, and New Year's Eve with the parties and bowl games on the following day. Then after that, life in New York just sorta ends until Spring and everything when everyone is rejuvenated.
I passed several guys on my walk, each of them giving me the "secret" gay eye lock. No quotation was ever truer than, "It takes one to know one." when it comes to gay guys. I'm sure there must be many books or magazine articles about it...I'd never read one...but what was it that makes a gay guy KNOW that the guy looking at him is gay? It only takes an instant. You can be across the street in distance and the second that your eyes click...it's something you feel, a silent communication, and somehow you just know. Maybe if I ever decide to work on my doctorate, I could write a thesis on the subject. 'Twas a pity I hadn't looked Carla in the eye the night before to get a message or warning. I should've been mad at Charlene...but what she had done WAS funny. She'd even pulled the old wooly muff over my eyes and I'd taught myself not to be easily conned...by anyone. As I exited the park, I hesitated for a moment wondering if I should use the pay booth and call Del before going to his apartment. No, I would "face the music" unannounced.
Del was surprised when I buzzed him to let me in. He was shaved, showered, and showed no signs of being out so late the night before. Again, I had put myself on the defensive. He looked great and I was unclean, unshaven, and I was wearing the same clothes he last saw me in. I didn't remember getting over one hour's sleep all night as I had been so worried. My immediate reaction was to sniff my armpits to see if I smelled rank...deodorant can only last for so long without a reapplication. I was sure mine was stretching the time limit.
"Come in," Del greeted. "I thought you were going to call before you came."
"I talked with Charlene after I called you. She and I had a most interesting conversation in between her bitchy remarks...Where's Eric? Have you talked with him yet?"
"No, he's only been awake fifteen minutes and immediately jumped in the shower. I was going to fix him some brunch and have a little brotherly inquiring conversation before you arrived."
"I'm glad you two haven't talked yet, because there's a couple of things you ought to know about Eric's and Carla's wing-ding last night."
"Oh God! You mean there's more?"
"Jesus! We sound like a couple of old hens at a beauty shop." I said,
"Well, this whole situation is like something out of a bad soap opera...so gossiping about it seems appropos. So, tell me, what did Charlene have to say? I suppose she's getting a big kick out of all of this."
"When I talked to her, she was too hungover to get a kick out of anything unless it was at least nine inches long and was attached to a New York Jet...Any rate, you won't believe this, but Carla was in bed sleeping beside Charlene when I woke her."
"You mean Eric dropped her off at Charlene's?"
"Yes, and that's why everything I have to tell you, Charlene got 'first hand' from Carla."
"Goddammit, Chris! What did she say?"
"Well," I began.
"Good morning, guys!" Eric said, interrupting me as he came from the bedroom, still using a towel to dry his shampooed hair.
"Morning, bro." Del said.
"Morning." I said, so quietly that only I could hear myself.
"Are you hungry? I was about to make you something." Del offered.
"Famished!" Eric replied.
"You would be just a bit hung over, would you?" Del asked him.
"I was a little fuzzy headed when I woke up, but the shower did the trick and I feel great now." Eric answered.
I wished for an instant that Charlene were here because I could hear her next remark in my mind, and goddamn! I almost said it myself, without thinking. I wanted to ask, ("Hey Eric, is your ass sore?"). But I didn't relish the idea of being hurled off a balcony to the West End Avenue concrete below. Instead, I innocently asked, "Did you have a nice time, last night, Eric."
"Probably the most fun I've ever had in my life. I guess Del has told you that we don't have clubs and festivities in Wisconsin like you do in New York. The music was a little loud, but it was all part of the evening fun."
It was bothering me that Del still didn't know about the details of the sexcapade. He was still under the impression that Eric thought of Carla as a real girl. I didn't want to see Del fall into a trap and at the same time I didn't want him to say something, innocently, that might embarrass Eric in the long run. So I thought I would try to control the conversation and steer it clear of taboo subjects and direct it so that Del would eventually "catch on".
"Eric," I began, "I hope you weren't too disappointed in Carla. To be honest, I'd never met her before and I asked my two friends, Johnny and Charlene if they knew of a nice girl that could act as your date. I don't know where they found Carla...probably working in a boutique somewhere."
"No, I enjoyed her company, immensely...but, no, she doesn't work in a boutique, she's an entertainer and performs several times a month at a club called, 'The Hat Box'. She earns just enough there to pay her rent, food, and monthly bills." Eric replied matter of factly.
"Oh?" Del piped in, "Did she entertain you last night." Del realized he had phrased his remark the wrong way and tried to cover his faux pas, "I don't mean ENTERTAIN you, I meant, did she sing, dance, or do a number for you?"
("She did a number ON him"), I thought. "I don't believe she mentioned being in show business last night. But, then, I didn't talk with her very much."
"You SHOULD!" Eric said, "You and Del should both get to know her better. Perhaps you can when we all go out together this evening...You DO know about that, don't you, Chris?"
"Huh?..uh..oh..sure, Del mentioned it to me and I told him I'd have to check my calendar first."
"You mean a schoolteacher keeps a social calendar for Saturday evening activities?" Eric replied, with just a slight edge of sarcasm I picked up on.
"Oh yes, there's always something," I said, putting on airs. "There's always some Broadway opening, the Governor's Ball, or a simple cocktail party for the Fortune '100' at Beekman Place...or sometimes I go to leather bar and watch all the guys get on the tables and piss on each other." God! What made me say that? Yeah, I was steering the conversation, all right, right off the bridge into the East River. Del decided to come to my rescue...or was it HIS rescue?..Or was he trying to rescue his brother?
"Eric, I think there's something you ought to know about Carla before you go out with her again tonight."
"Del, I know ALL about her that I want to know." Eric replied. "I'm only going to be in New York for a few days, so we don't have to hire a detective to run a background check on a girl I want to go out with, have a few drinks with, and share a little fun with."
"But, Eric..." Del tried, once again. "Did you know that Carla..."
"Has a dick between her legs?".Eric finished Del's sentence. "YES!"
"That's what I was trying to tell you, Eric!! You mean, you KNEW?" Del exclaimed.
"Of course." Eric said.
"That's what I've been trying to tell YOU, Del!! He knew!!" I exclaimed, topping both of their voices.
"Oh, MY GOD!!" Del stood there with his mouth wide open, shocked with disbelief.
"Del, get a hold on yourself." Eric told him. "You're not a woman, You're a man! You're my brother, and you needn't look like you need some smelling salts."
"But Eric," Del said baffled. "You're STRAIGHT! Don't tell me you've jumped the fence and turned gay while I was away from you."
"No, I am NOT gay."Eric said, emphatically.
"But, you went to bed with a man...a DRAG!"
"Eric, Carla is NOT a mere drag. She's a transvestite...a lady of the evening. She makes her living entertaining and pleasing straight guys like myself."
"But how did you know what to do?" Del asked, humbly.
"You should know! I taught YOU, didn't I?"
I was about to pee all over myself but I wouldn't leave the room now if the piss ran down my legs into my shoes.
"NOW!" Eric continued, "What ELSE do the two of you want to know?"
"Nothing, Eric," I said, "the prosecution rests."
"So does the defense," Del added.
"If we have all that settled, can the four of us go out on the town, tonight, and enjoy ourselves. I mean, I'm willing to escort Carla with two gay guys...by brother and his...'friend'. Eric said, smiling. I relaxed because I could see he was joking now. "However," he continued, "if the night progresses and we should come back here for a night cap, I don't venture us having a 'foursome' because I don't go to bed with men."
There was about a three second pause before we all burst into laughter. Del and I looked at each other and envisioned ourselves shaking our heads, but neither of us moved a muscle.
"I have another idea," Eric spoke up, "Chris, why don't you call your two friends and have them join us?"
"Johnny and Charlene.?"
"Who else?"
"Eric, in a precarious situation such as we're apt to be in this evening, I don't think you're ready to get to know the real Charlene. There's no telling what she would have to say...God knows, she could embarrass ALL of us."
"Look, Chris," Eric interrupted, "I want this to be a fun evening and the more mirth, the merrier! Please call and invite them!"
"OK, if you insist."
"I'm CEO, and I insist!"
I went into Del's bedroom, closing the door behind me to call Charlene. I stood there with the receiver in my hand, saying to myself, 'Six Nytol tablets wasn't enough to kill me, I wonder if I should stop at the pharmacy and buy a couple of bottles just in case the night turned out to be as unforgettable as I feared. I was sure I'd have to kill myself after Charlene's caustic wit got through with Eric. My hand trembled as I dialed her. I wasn't sure if it because of how hilarious or how horrible the night might be. The phone rang ten rings before Charlene answered.
"Reetz Spa, Googie Gomez, spikking. Wha con I do for chu? Dju like a lettel massage perrrrrrhapz?"
"Hi Googie, this is Chris..."
"OH! Chrrris-TOH-pher! I con do whot for you?"
"You can CAN that terrible accent to start with." I said.
"How else am I gonna do a Carmen Miranda number unless I can talk like her."
"Why don't you forget if and do Marlene Dietrich instead."
She lowered her voice, "Dahlink! I dun't do men!!"
"I called to tell you that I'm at Del's and Eric's?"
"And just how IS Dorian Gray?...Get the picture?"
"Everything is fine here. Eric told Del everything."
"Everything???"
"Well, almost, he didn't go into stereo-optic details. But he said enough to make Del and me relax because of your prank. You know, I should never speak to you again," I kidded.
"Then you would have NO woman in your life. Every man needs at least one!"
"At least you're not the type that menstruates once a month and can be pregnant when you don't." I said.
"Lawdy, Miss Claudie, God knows, I've been trying for years!"
"If you will just hush a minute! Eric wants to take you and Johnny out on the town tonight with Del, Carla, and me."
"I didn't know the Elks had their meetings on Saturday night...or is it the Moose or the American Legion?"
"I'd like to send you to the Foreign Legion sometimes."
"Oh, no! I'm not going to stand in line just to suck a cock. Besides, I've heard their anuses are shaped like escargot! I knew a Russian sailor once whose cum was black like caviar...had little lumps in it. I refused to eat it without those little pieces of triangular toast."
"Goddammit! You ditsy queen! Are you and Johnny free tonight, or aren't you?"
"I wouldv'e said 'yes' if you hadn't used the word, 'free'!"
"Are you 'available' then?"
"More than likely. Don't tell me that Eric has gone through 'the great change'?"
"No, he still thinks of Carla as a woman. He's says he's straight and wants to date her as such."
"And what does he think of me as...a loser on 'The Gong Show'?"
"No, my love, he wants you and Johnny to go along and be yourselves."
"Oh, I DO hope my combat boots still fit me!"
"Dress nicely, but don't overdo it. Don't do the Princess Grace bit with the tiara and beaded gown with a long train. You know, something soft and feminine."
"Well, I do have that red satin number split up the side to my ying yang. Or I could wear what Grace wore in 'The Country Girl'..a high-neck black house dress with a gray cardigan, black flats, horn-rimmed glasses,and my hair up in a bun...with a net! I don't know what colors she wore because the movie was in black and white. Ted Turner didn't get around to colorizing it yet."
"Why don't you think, 'Donna Reed' or 'Loretta Young'?"
"Then I could waltz through the door with miles and miles of chiffon covering twenty-five crinolines! Don't worry, Doll! I know how to dress and I WON'T embarrass you!"
"That would be a first!"
"There's a first time for everything. How do you want Johnny to dress...in white coveralls? In case Eric finds some cows on Park Avenue that need to be milked?"
"Johnny knows what to wear. I don't have to worry about him."
"Have you ever seen Johnny in drag?"
"No, and I don't want to start tonight!"
"He looks just like Barbara Rush...or sometimes, Barbara Bush!"
"Can we pick you, Johnny, and Carla up at your place, say, around eight?"
"We'll be ready, darling."
"I just hope I am...Goodbye, Charlene."
"Bye, love...are you sure you don't want Googie to give you massage??"
I hung up he phone before I replied. I went back into the living room to join Del and Eric.
"It's all set!" I announced. "I told Charlene we'd pick the three of them up around eight."
Eric looked pleased. Del, on the other hand, had a strange frown on his face.
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(to be continued in Chapter Nine)