Before the party Katarina was in a sulky mood and pressured everyone into a few rounds of vodka shots.
"Shit, that's all." Amy winced back the last shot and handed the bottle back to Katarina.
"Why, got plans with the red head, what's her name?" Katarina smiled, but it came off icey.
"Rachel, her name's Rachel." Amy said, aware how defensive her voice sounded.
Beat capped the bottle, patted Katarina on the back, then handed Katarina her jacket. Beat was never much for words, but unlike the joke about drummers, her timing was impeccable. She always knew when it was time to leave.
The four walked up the street to Tenny house. It was only about three houses away from the edge of campus, but in a strange town, away from the city everything seemed huge. Dalia tried to talk Katarina out of her combative mood.
"Woman, will you stop your shit? We're here as a jazz quartet, not the banshees of verbal abuse."
"I'm nice, Dal." Katarina said in between smoke rings. She looked right at Amy and mouthed the words, "nice."
Amy rolled her eyes in the dark and heard the loud music as they walked up the path to the large, white house. A sun porch was on one side, separated by small plate glass windows, and they seemed to vibrate from the volume coming from inside.
"Here's your rock bands," Dalia muttered to Amy, and they walked in. They all took their coats off, and Amy saw hordes of what looked like lunch box girls in the room. The type who carried lunch boxes instead of purses, flaunted thrift store wardrobes and cut each others' hair. Amy knew the type from St. Marks place and wondered how long after college they kept their act up.
The music was loud, and there was a keg of beer in the kitchen. Rachel stood with a group of girls, and looked rather academic in a matching skirt and blazer. When Amy realized she was staring at Rachel's legs she blushed.
Rachel smiled when she saw Amy, and pointed to the keg in the trashcan.
"Did you DO her?" Katarina jeered.
"Will you shut up?" Amy glared at Katarina. "Need you be so blunt?"
"Sorry," she laughed at the song blaring from the stereo: Hole's "Gutless." Katarina put her arm around Amy's shoulder and pulled her aside. "If you don't tonight, it's three strikes and you're out. Then," she twirled a lock of her hair around a finger and poked Amy with the other one. "I guess this song's for you."
Amy glared at her bass player, but knew what she was talking about. Katarina had always told Amy that what she was missing from life was a decent sex life, but since their ecstasy fueled kiss had dropped the topic. Now, however it seemed like open season, and Amy wanted to evaporate when she realized how on the spot the song really was.
"All my friends are embryonic All my friends are dead and gone All my friends are microscopic All my friends wake up alone Gutless You're Gutless"
"Oh man, Katarina, I can't believe..." Her mind started to reel off the list of ways that Katarina was a bitch, but she felt a hand on her arm.
"I'm so glad you made it." Rachel's blue eyes twinkled and Amy felt herself flush, Rachel introduced herself to Dalia, Beat and Katarina, and ran off to request something from the DJ.
"Yeah, Amy, she's gonna ask her to play `Gutless' over and over again." Katarina spat.
"God, are you drunk?" Dalia looked over at their bassist in alarm. Amy, too reeled around as if to slap Katarina.
"What the fuck is your problem, because I didn't try to kiss YOU last night?" Her eyes were wild on Katarina, she felt something bubbling up from her gut. "What, and let you say you were DRUNK?" Before Katarina could comment, Amy pushed her against the wall. "Because I didn't want to start something I knew you couldn't finish with our pianist in the room?" She rubbed her forehead, with her head hung down. "Jesus, you can be such a bitch sometimes, Katarina."
Amy stalked off away from the noise. She wanted more alcohol, and away from the Quartet. She was about to walk back to the dorm, when she felt an arm around her waist pulling her aside.
"Slow down, where ya headed?" It was Rachel, and her eyes showed amusement, and alcohol. "What's the problem? Were you about to leave?"
"Katarina..."
"And Katarina is?" Rachel squinted and pushed her glasses back up her nose.
"Oh, my bassist."
Rachel nodded and motioned for her to continue.
"She's just being a bitch."
"So why were you going to leave?" Amy blushed and looked at the floor. Rachel grinned, "what?" She smiled again and touched Amy's arm.
"Katarina said that `Gutless' was my song." She looked up at Rachel again, they walked under the back staircase.
"Hole?"
"Yeah, like I was gutless."
"Doubtful, you are a great musician, you perform for strangers all the time." Amy smiled, but hung her head.
"No, gutless, like I should have stayed last night." Amy looked up realizing she had said it aloud, oh shit! "I mean, did you want to?"
"Did you?" Rachel smiled, a smile that made Amy nervous. "Yeah, actually, I did." She tilted her head to one side, then repeated, "did you?"
"Yeah." Amy said, her voice was a whisper.
"Relax," Rachel put her hand on Amy's hip.
Oh sure, and I thought I'd go shave my head, too. Rachel looked in Amy's eyes. She finished her drink in one gulp. "Look, I gotta stick around for a bit. Wanna meet back on my hall in half an hour?"
"Half an hour," Amy repeated.
Their knees bumped, and Rachel's blue eyes were liquid. They laughed and Rachel put her hands on Amy's shoulders and a soft kiss on her lips.
"Half an hour." Rachel said smiling although Amy's eyes were closed.
Amy got another beer and found Katarina by the fireplace. She was talking to a girl with a crewcut and a checked shirt surely stolen off of someone's grandfather. They stood by the fireplace, and Katarina laughed loudly at grandpa's jokes. Amy smiled apologetically at grandpa and grabbed Katarina.
"I gotta talk to you."
Katarina, as usual was unfazed and lit a cigarette. "What now?"
"I need you to stop bothering me." Katarina didn't say, anything, but raised an eyebrow. Amy charged on, "I know I've been acting like I like you or something," she stared down into her beer. "But I don't. I don't love you, we can't fool around." She made a face at herself. Great, I sound like I have fucking Tourretes.
Amy took a big gulp from her beer. "Ok?" She scanned Katarina's eyes for signs of life, "No more drunken visits to my room." Her words steamed out, and she felt triumphant. All the things she'd been waiting to say bubbled over like Turkish coffee.
"You're no fun," Katarina sighed, but her voice wasn't broken. As much as Amy hated the moment, it was the easiest the vibe had been between them since she joined Ask Alice the previous year.
"So," Katarina swished her beer around in the foam cup. "You kiss her yet?"
Amy grabbed her forehead and covered her eyes. "Katarina!" she moved her fingers and peaked through her hands.
"Well?" Katarina finished her beer and pulled Amy down on the stair landing. "That's what this is about, right?" She looked right at Amy and Amy could see what she thought looked like hurt for the first time. Katarina made a face while exhaling and faced Amy. "You'll get together with that Rachel chick, and it's like, `whatever' for all of us, right?"
"What are you talking about Katarina?!" Amy almost laughed, but thought better of it.
"You won't need me. Or us." Katarina turned away, "or any of it."
"Kat, we've played music together since we were kids. I'm not in love with you." She started picking off pieces of the styrofoam cup. "God, I can't fool around with you. We're like family," she made a face and shook her head. "Don't you understand? I need you, but I need Dalia and Beat, too. We're musicians - we need other musicians."
"Maybe..." Katarina said, but her voice sounded small. Amy flashed back to the day they were in seventh grade, and Katarina lost her final tooth. She tongued the strange metallic hole in her mouth and tried to explain the feeling to Amy. "It's the last one!" She explained triumphantly. "I'm almost an adult!" Five years ago it was almost that simple. But like everything else that hole grew over, all but forgotten.
Amy smiled patiently, and rested her head on Katarina's shoulder. "You don't need me always looking at you in practice, I just started realizing things..." She took another swallow of beer.
"Shit, I'm not making sense, but..." she bit her lip. "If I don't do this tonight, I'm going to think about it for the rest of my life." Katarina stood up, her way of saying "end of conversation."
"Do you love her?" Katarina demanded.
"What kind of freak question is that, Kat? I met her when you did. Yesterday afternoon when she showed us our rooms and gave you that `No Smoking' lecture." Amy stood up, brushed her pants off and turned to face her friend.
"I barely know her, but I gotta figure this out." Amy winced at the floor. "I've been trying to figure out lotsa shit recently, and this is just a piece." She held her arms out and Katarina stepped in, grudgingly, for a hug. "I'll always need you, ok? Please stop freaking out." Katarina sighed and lit another cigarette.
"You go girl," Katarina said flatly.