Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY! Cast of characters:
Joshua Alan Black II Barbie Warfield -- my mother Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather
Richard -- My favorite Cousin Ray and Raul -- Richards' younger brothers.
Nate Willows -- My first roomie.
James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer
Seth Gary -- My therapist. Luke -- Seth's partner. (Lukamaiola Makamakahaiiolioli)
Jake -- Seth's Cousin Colin -- Jake's partner Uri -- Jake and Colin's Son Ursula -- Jake and Colin's Daughter
Chris -- Seth's brother Craig -- Chris's partner
Rob -- Seth's "big brother" (not really, but ... ) Denny -- Rob's partner. Greta -- one of Rob' and Denny's 4 kids.
Uncle Jake Smith -- Jakes father and the Smith Patriarch Aunt Lindy -- Jakes Mom Etta -- The Smith's housekeeper
Ren (Lawrence) Smith Family Friend Lenny (Leonard) Ren's partner.
Bobby -- Colin's brother
Donny -- Seth's patient Randy -- Donny's cousin
From Chapter 29:
I hyperventilated and then, being in the arms of Seth and Luke, two guys that I trusted my life with -- and loved -- I let out a long wail. They rocked me back and forth, kissing my neck, humming and cooing to me. "Let it our, Josh! You deserve to let it out. You're doing fine. We love you. You will find someone else -- soon I believe. Said my Seth.
I was in the midst of wondering what crystal ball Seth was peering into when it occurred to me: I never as much as even told Randy that he could call me Josh!
Chapter 30
Before, when I had disappointments and heartbreak, I escaped -- so I didn't feel it to the full extent. I had never felt this great expanse of loss -- the hurt ... ohhhh the exquisite pain that you can't dull! You can't scratch it, hit it, rub it away. And worse that that, sometimes you have to act like there's nothing wrong. Seth explained to me that this one thing was maybe the hardest. No one felt what he felt when he went through his hell, several years before, and he could not even explain it. That was what drove him to do what he did.
But he and Luke stayed close to me and hugged me and ... loved me! Some times in the middle of the night, as I lay bereft on my bed, feeling sorry for myself, and wondering if this was what life was like -- and drenching my pillowcase -- they would quietly come in to me and surround me with their love. Their hugs, their warmth, their chaste but tender kisses ... their LOVE ... lifted me up when I was in a deep hole.
But they couldn't take me out of it. I wanted to die, but I know that was not the answer. I could tell that Seth was watching me closely. I started to fantasiz about him again. I thought about the trip to Central America and fantasized about Luke. He didn`t just play with me -- he actually let himself love me -- and though I was always aware that he could not ever be mine, what we did was something I may always dream about.
I locked my door so that no one might steal in and change my sheets. I could at least still smell Randy there! I would fall on my bed sometimes and bury my face in his pillow and breath deep, seemingly absorbing his essence for a moment.
In time, his odor went away. I cried anew, just realizing that! I dreamed about James and again felt guilty that he probably loved me more than I did him ... and that was because I wanted the forbidden fruit of my brother and my cousin so much, I forsook the wonderful guy that was under my nose. Is this what life is? Is this what we are created for? I knew that was not so, but I still wondered.
And what ABOUT Richard and Nate? They permeated most of my thoughts -- whenever I thought about Randy, their images came to me again -- as if to rub salt in my gaping wound.
They say time heals all wounds. I found myself hoping that was so, but not really believing it. How could anything so exquisitely painful ever stop? How could I ever return to normal? What IS normal, anyway? I prayed that this was NOT normal -- for me.
Donny started to bring Randy to his appointments. After two bouts of very awkward times with Randy, I found it easier to just hide when I know they were coming. They would go to Rob's and ride all around the property. I'd spy on them from the window, as they rode and laughed and played together. They rode ... I cried. They plaYed and I cried. They laughed ... and I cried.
Weeks seemed to pass like years. Seth got worried and upped my own sessions with him. "You have to get out, Josh! I've seen you watch them as they are playing. Josh -- that's just not healthy! My brother wants you to come to his place on Friday night to meet a guy that he and Jake seem to think is cool. Do you think you're ready for that?" Then before I could answer, he said, "I told them that you'd be there. Sorry, but the Doctor knows best!"
I dreaded Friday. When I thought Seth wasn't looking, I still spied on Donny and Randy. It was becoming an obsession.
Friday morning, Luke knocked on my door. It was pretty late in the morning and they were concerned. I was awake, but could not drag myself out of bed. I know -- classic depression symptom. I knew what I was doing, but I just didn't care! Luke came and sat on the floor by my bed.
"I didn't realize how much I have come to love you, Josh." He said. "You are like -- well -- closer than a brother to me. I'm worried about you. I wasn't around when Seth -- well -- you know -- but I expect he felt somewhat like you are feeling. It hurts him to see you like this, and I am pretty sure he is reminded of Brian and the hurt he felt. Won't you please get up and come to breakfast?
"I went over the Jake and Colin's this morning, and I met Stefan." He continued. "He's from the Ukraine, and looks like a grown up version of Uri! He's almost too beautiful to be a guy. He's a bit older than you are, and like Uri, has very curly blond hair -- that comes to his collar. I usually don't like long hair on a guy, but this is amazing. He is Uri and Ursula's uncle."
"Oh." I said.
"Hey! I need to drive over to Burlington this morning. I hate that drive alone! Will you go with me?" I shrugged. "Good -- we don't have time for breakfast -- we'll grab some on the way. Get yourself dressed."
Rather than leave me to my own preparations, he sat on the bed and made small talk -- I guess to make sure I followed through. Undressing ... showering in front of these guys was so natural neither of us thought anything of it.
It was early fall and the days were getting cooler, but today was looking like a bright, hot day. I took my cue from Luke who had on shorts and a ribbed tee. We hopped into his sports car and left within 10 minutes.
What he needed in Burlington was some clothing -- he SAID -- for himself. But I soon figured out that he was doing this for me. We bought an outfit -- for me -- to wear to Jake and Colin's tonight! It was a loose orange camp tee from REI and a brown pair of cargo pants. He also coaxed me to buy a light weight tan, unlined silk jacket. "You really look stylin'!" He said. Getting some new clothes made me feel a little more in the mood for this evening.
We were walking out of the mall when I heard, "Joshua! Joshua Black!"
I turned and saw my uncle ... Dennis's brother ... Richard's dad. I quickly assessed what I was wearing. Hmm ... not too gay looking, at least -- even though Luke, who still had his short shorts and muscle tee on -- could not say the same. My uncle quickly closed the distance between us. He had never been all that warm toward me, and I wondered -- a lot of things.
"Uncle Dick! You're the last person I would have expected to see!" I exclaimed. "What're you doing here in Vermont?"
"I have some business. I was hoping to contact you while I was here, but this is quite providential!"
"You?" I said, maybe a little too incredulously, "You wanted to contact me?"
"Yes -- well, I was going to call you first, but I did want to see you. May I take you and your - - friend - - out to lunch?"
"Oh, I`m sorry!" I said, trying desperately to think of how to introduce Luke. Silly overload! "You remember Seth, my therapist? This is his life partner, Luke Makamakahaiiolioli."
"That was impressive!" Said Luke, grinning.
"I've been practicing!" I said with momentary pride. "Anyway, this is my Uncle Dick." I said to Luke. Then turning back to my uncle, I continued, "We were just doing some shopping. How're Richard and Bunny doing?"
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Shall we go to lunch? The restaurant in my hotel is excellent."
"Uncle Dick! Please tell me if Richard is okay at least!"
"He's ... okay ... as far as that goes, but -- well -- let me fill you in over lunch."
We went to the posh restaurant in his hotel. He paid for a splendid buffet and as soon as we all had filled our plates, he said, "First of all -- Josh -- if I may call you that -- I want to apologize for being -- well -- pretty much as my name suggests -- a dick! You know I didn't approve of you and Richard -- I mean your -- um -- closeness. I was wrong in that, and I have only recently come to realize how wrong!"
"Is Richard all right?" I asked impatiently.
"Yes ... and no."
"Why -- what's wrong?"
Uncle Dick looked over at Luke and I said, "Luke and Seth are close friends. You can say anything in front of Luke."
"Richie has been having fits of depression since his split with Bunny."
"What??!! They -- what - ? Split up? Already? What happened?"
Again he looked nervously at Luke, then went on, "Well, she was -- how can I put it delicately? Um -- there IS no way to put it delicately -- she's a bitch! Richie's mother found her -- or rather her family -- and set up the meeting and -- well, you probably already knew that Richie was coerced into the marriage. Well, that wasn't his mother's doing! To my shame -- it was mine! I just put her up to arranging the details. Richard was not to take over the business unless he married a woman."
"Yes -- I knew that." I said.
"Well, they didn't even make it happily through the honeymoon. Richie couldn't do anything right. I don't mean he did anything wrong, but she was -- the only way to say it is ... a bitch! Everything had to be her way! We should have seen it before they were married: She was as spoiled brat at home. Your aunt and I never wanted Richard to be miserable! He was trying to please her, to please us and ... balance all that with his new responsibilities in the business. They got the marriage annulled 3 months ago."
"Why -- why -- why didn't he call me -- or -- or -- something?" I said, knowing I was more distraught than I wanted to appear.
"We -- well -- his mother -- suggested that he contact you. He refused. He said he had already messed up your life enough. Running into you -- as I was -- was quite providential! Now I don't even have to lie, when I tell him I ran into you!"
"Uncle Dick -- does he have the same cell number?"
"No. He carries an iPod that is a company number -- that's all."
"Well, give me the number -- I'll contact him!"
"That may not be a good idea. I know my son. He may say something that will set up his pride and then he won't let his guard down. Let me tell him I just happened to run into you -- which now is quite true -- and - "
"And you give him my card!" I said. I whipped out a card with all my current contact info on it -- as well as my address at the Smith Compound. But if he doesn't call in a week, I'll call him! What's his number?"
Uncle Dick looked wary about giving it to me, but then said, "I guess I need to let Richie grow up sometime!" And he gave me the number, which I entered into my blackberry. He made me promise to wait the week. "I'll tell him today that I ran into you. And -- I have to warn you -- he's a shadow of his former self. Worry and that bitch and her family's ragging have worn him down. Talking to you may just be what he needs. But -- don't hold your breath. He was a stubborn boy -- and he's every bit as stubborn as a man."
I could see the worry in my uncle's face. I decided to take him at his word. He gave me what approached being a hug before we parted.
"That was interesting." Said Luke. "What did you make of it?"
"Richard and I were always close. I really don't think he wants to get close again -- well not as close as we used to be. But I'll call him in a week or so -- to see if there's anything I can say or do to make him feel better. For now let's get through this dinner party at Chris and Craig's!
I got home and the more I prepared -- the more excited I got. I shaved with my Norelco and then took a shower and shaved again with a quad-blade. My skin felt as smooth as a baby's butt!
The more I primped, the edgier I got. I tried to imagine the adorable face of Uri, with those long blond curly locks, in a grown up body. I wondered how much English he spoke. My shaggy hair crept in trails down my neck. I worried about that, but both Seth and Luke said I looked like something out of a fashion magazine. Of course they were exaggerating! They had to be just pumping me up!
Seth and Luke were invited to the dinner party too, as well as the rest of the Smith clan, including Stefan's sisters -- the mothers of all the kids that were adopted on the compound. He apparently had only recently come out as gay. He had lost contact with his sisters during the wars after the break up of the Soviet Union. This night was their first reunion since he was a teenager. Luke told me that he was at least ten years younger than either of his sisters.
I had grown quite fond of Jake and Colin's kids. At 11, Ursula was a little princess -- and looked the part -- especially this night. Uri was 13-years old -- going on 21! He looked like a cross between Corey Haim and David Cassidy at that age -- but not as gay looking as either of them -- even with his long golden blond curls. He was all man! But he still didn't mind hugging his dads and uncles. He treated me like one of the guys -- which of course he knew I wasn't!
I looked around unabashedly in every direction -- to see if I could see their Uncle Stefan. As it turned out, we got there earlier than he and his sisters did. When they did get there, I was mesmerized by his looks! He indeed looked an older version of Uri -- but also a lot like a young Heath Ledger. He smiled sweetly at me and I almost melted -- even knowing he smiled at everyone like that! His grin was contagious.
Chris set us next to each other at the dinner table, so we got to know each other. His English was quite broken, but we were able to communicate quite well. He was letting his leg touch mine frequently, and then quite out of the blue, he said, "Um -- so -- Craig says dat you may be able to show me around -- and uhhhhm -- dat you are - - - "
"Gay?" I said.
"O my Gott! You say dat so easily!"
"It takes a little getting used to!" I said.
"Huh?" He said, not getting the meaning.
"It -- um -- wasn't easy -- for me -- at first, either."
"I am staying mit my sisters -- for now -- but will need to find a place of my own. Do you know of any?" "You can come stay with me!" I thought. I tried not to let any drool slip past my lips! I shook my head, and said, "No, but I could help you look, if you wanted?"
"Dat would be very kind of you."
"Have you -- um -- seen much of the Compound?"
"The -- what?"
"This property -- have you walked around it?"
"No. I did not want to be presumptuous."
"Would you like me to show you around?" I asked.
"That would not be necessary -- but if you have the time - "
"I not only have the time -- but I have the inclination!" I said.
"I'm afraid you are using words I have not learned yet. I am sorry."
"I only meant -- it would be my pleasure!" I said.
He gave me another of his delicious smiles.
We left the house shortly after dessert, and walked back toward Rob's stables. "You like Horses?"
"Oh yes! I was in a cavalry unit in the old country. I love horses!" I led him into the stables. The last vestige of sunlight was creeping across the ceiling, as the sun was falling fast behind the western tree line. He took a step toward me. I closed the gap and our lips met. He kissed me tentatively then pulled back.
"Thank you for da compliment, sir. But I am having a partner to join me from Europe -- as soon as I get myself established. I mean -- a kiss is only what it is, yes? -- But I felt that it may have been more -- to you -- dan it was to me."
I was profusely embarrassed. What a stupid thing to do! I hardly knew this guy! "Well -- er -- duh -- I mean - "
"I understand. I don't understand English all dat well, but I kind of set that up. I didn't mean to, and it was quite welcome, but -- should go no further den dat."
"Josh?" I heard and turned. My mouth dropped open, and I was speechless. He quickly closed the distance between us -- as his father had done earlier. He stopped short of touching me. "Hello. I'm Richard Warfield -- Josh's cousin." He said to Stefan. "I just wanted to see for myself. Dad told me - "
"Richard! What are you doing here? I mean - - that is -- I only was your dad a few hours ago! How could you - ?"
"I was actually in Dad's hotel room. I wanted my dad to try to ascertain if -- well -- if you have a boyfriend -- but he couldn't do that without giving me away. But I can see with my own eyes. You and - " He indicated Stefan. "I didn't catch your name Sir. But whoever you are -- you're very lucky to have a guy like Joshua."
"Stefan is his name but -- we are not -- what you think. I very stupidly tried to kiss him -- trying to be romantic and all that -- and he just told me that he has a boyfriend in the Ukraine.
"So -- where is YOUR boyfriend tonight, Cuz?"
"I have none." I said, and I looked down.
He lifted my chin and said, "Yes -- you do! He's standing in front of you. If you will have him -- after he has hurt you so much, he'd promise to cherish you forever!"
"I tink dat my sisters vill vunder where I may be. I vill be goink beck to Mr. Chris's house now. Nice to meet you both." Said Stefan, making his exit.
My older cousin grabbed me and kissed me almost desperately.
I didn't kiss him back.
He withdrew and said, "I was afraid of that. I told Dad you would probably not even want to see me -- after what I've done to you!"
I was almost in a trance -- stunned would be an appropriate word. I looked blankly at him while what he said began to form something intelligible in my brain. It must have been only a moment, but seemed like an hour! He was looking dejectedly at the floor, when I gently raised his chin and looked into his tear-streaked face. Mine was overflowing too. "If -- if -- IF I will have you?!! Richard - - I have wanted no one more -- ever in my life -- than I've wanted you! Every guy that I've ever dated was a substitute to you -- and had to stand a comparison ... to you! And all of them -- even my brother -- couldn't possibly come up to your standard! I have always loved you with all my heart!"
I then grabbed him -- before what I said had time to really register in HIS brain and I smiled into his shining eyes, and then kissed him deeply. He kissed me back! "How -- how did you find me -- out here in the stables?" I asked.
"When I came to the gate, I dialed in and told them who I was. They rang me in, but no one told me there were so many houses here. As I was slowly driving around the circle, I couldn't miss your profile -- even 75 yards away, I'd know the man I love! I saw that you were walking with another guy. I also saw that you weren't holding hands and then as I walked up -- you kissed him."
"Oh, Rich -- I can't tell you what turmoil I've been through in the last couple years. Well, you know SOME of it, but I have considered some pretty insane things, including ... well, I don't want to go there ... now. But now I know why none of the guys I have met were the right ones. I guess -- I mean -- I really believe -- the universe was preserving me -- for you."
"And vice versa!" Said Richard. "Josh, I can't even describe what hell it was putting up with Bunny's crap. I now know why here father wanted so much to get her out of his house -- and also -- why he drinks so heavily. He's really a decent guy when out and away from those women.
"But -- what do you care about HER family ... I know I don't ... now! I have always loved you, Cuz! More than I admitted to myself. And now that my dad see's that the world won't beat a path away from his company's door just because the CEO might be gay -- he's completely okay with it too. I don't know how much he told you, but Bunny made life hell for him too."
"He DID tell me. He didn't want to even suggest to YOU that you leave her, but ... he was happy when you did."
"Actually she left me --... when I told her I was gay!"
We both laughed until we cried over that -- but mostly it was a tension reliever.
Epilogue:
Josh and Richard didn't stay at the Smith Compound or anywhere nearby, but rather went to stay in the Warfield Manor, in the foothills of Sacramento California. Josh learned to love the place he hated going to when he was a boy! Josh and his uncle Dick -- once Dick accepted that his own son was gay -- hit it off very well.
His aunt was another story, but she behaved herself. Of course she was disappointed that her Eldest would not be giving her grandchildren, but then after living a few months in the Smith Compound gave Josh some ideas about that!
Josh and Richard visited Wisconsin and Vermont often, and Josh learned a lot from Seth, which added to his own studies at UC Davis -- where he graduated in psychology. Since he didn't need the money, he was content with that, and tried to model his practice after his mentor, Dr. Seth Gary.
The End