Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY! Cast of characters:
Joshua Alan Black II Barbie Warfield -- my mother Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather
Richard -- My favorite Cousin Ray and Raul -- Richards' younger brothers.
Nate Willows -- My first roomie.
James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer
Seth Gary -- My therapist. Luke -- Seth's partner. (Lukamaiola Makamakahaiiolioli)
Jake -- Seth's Cousin Colin -- Jake's partner Uri -- Jake and Colin's Son Ursula -- Jake and Colin's Daughter
Chris -- Seth's brother Craig -- Chris's partner
Rob -- Seth's "big brother" (not really, but ... ) Denny -- Rob's partner. Greta -- one of Rob' and Denny's 4 kids.
Uncle Jake Smith -- Jakes father and the Smith Patriarch Aunt Lindy -- Jakes Mom Etta -- The Smith's housekeeper
Ren (Lawrence) Smith Family Friend Lenny (Leonard) Ren's partner.
Bobby -- Colin's brother
Donny -- Seth's patient Randy -- Donny's cousin
From Chapter 28:
(Randy) begged me to make love to him. "What do you think I've been doing?"
"You know what I mean!" He said.
"Let's save that for -- um -- a special occasion." I suggested. I know I left him a little frustrated, but -- I hope he'll appreciate the wait -- later. We both slept in the next morning. Seth and Luke seemed to know we wanted it that way.
Chapter 29
We woke up to the sound of Luke and Seth laughing in the showers. Well, we could give them some privacy too! We made good use of our time! When Randy pushed me to have sex again -- full on anal -- and I was reluctant, he got a little morose. I felt bad and almost gave in. When he asked me why not, I finally told him, "Look -- I have had sex with condoms very few times -- and it's not my thing."
"Condom? Why??!!"
"Randy! I'm surprised you would even ask. I don't care WHO you have sex with -- even if you love him to pieces -- which seems to be happening here ... way too fast! But you ALWAYS protect both yourself and your partner until you know for sure that there is no disease. You trust me -- obviously -- but that's not enough in this world. I trust you too! You say you have never had sex, and I believe you. But as remote are the chances of getting some diseases away form anal sex, it CAN happen. And neither of us needs to carry the guilt of infecting someone else!"
He looked stunned. "You're going to have to take my word this time, Sweet Randy -- my experience has to rule in this one. We have known each other a very short time. I'm not going to allow you or me to ruin a life because of a mistake!"
"What -- I mean -- when - - where can we get -- um -- tested? Have you ever been tested?"
"Sure."
"Were you -- um -- clean? -- is that how they say it?"
"It works. I tested negative -- for anything."
"What -- what -- what if -- if -- I test positive for -- something?"
"Do you think you might?"
"I dunno! What can you test positive for?"
"What? Have you really been that sheltered? Well, you could have herpes. Lots of people do."
"What's that?"
"You're kidding!" I marveled.
He got tears in his eyes. "I'm -- sorry --look, I'm just a strange kid from a backwater town in upstate Vermont. What do I know?"
"Well, Herpes is a virus. Once you get it you have it forever. It's very annoying, but unless you have other complications it's no more than a pain in the ass -- for you and your partner."
"What's it like?"
"Well -- Herpes I is what a lot of people have and some don't even know they have it. Some people think they are just cold sores -- around the mouth. But a cold sore may never come again ... herpes returns, and is very contagious while you have it. Herpes II is more serious, but it too is manageable. It's like a cold sore too -- but it's around your genitals."
"A cold sore -- on my dick??!!"
"Sometimes, but more often it is in your pubes or worse -- your anus. And once it is received, usually there is a huge outbreak -- in both kinds -- and then thereafter, once in awhile you get one."
"Oh -- sounds gross!"
"I'm sure it could be! Then of course there are always things like Syphilis and gonorrhea. They are both nasty, but curable. So is Chlamydia. It's really ugly, but can be treated with medication and it will not come back ... unless you have unprotected sex with someone who has it ... again. This is why sleeping around is so dangerous -- to say nothing of ... just plain stupid!"
"I'd never do that!"
"I believe you. But it's not just sex that can spread some of these. But mostly it is -- and just using a condom doesn't work for some of them. Of course HIV is the worst -- because from it you can get AIDS. People die from AIDS. But some have the HIV virus and never get it. Some don't even know they have it and pass it to lots of others being promiscuous. That's another reason to be selective with whom you have sex with -- and ... don't fuck with anyone -- only make love -- with someone you love and ... only then , after both of you are tested."
"Now you have me scared!"
"Good! I've done my job!" I said. "Now ... before those guys are done screwing around in there, let's give ourselves a reason to want a good morning shower!"
This was his day off and also the day we planned to go horseback riding with Donny. I know that everyone noticed how quiet I was at breakfast. I was thinking a lot about how fast I was becoming attached to this guy! I rebelled against the term that kept coming up for me ... love! How could this be -- so soon?
When Donny arrived, he walked past us both without as much as a nod and went to his appointment. Since this was in the living room, it was observed by Seth and I saw Seth talking seriously with Donny. When he came out, he was repentant.
"Hi." He said, then, "Sorry."
He didn't need to say more, because we knew -- and he knew we knew. He looked sad when he said, "Are we ridin, today?"
"Yup!"
"Good" Was all he said.
Donny regained his good spirits as we rode. He trusted both of us and talked freely. What we did not talk about was my strengthening relationship with Randy. We didn't want to hurt Donny`s feelings and ... he probably wanted to preserve his hope.
When we were finished, we showered and went for a swim at Chris and Craig's, and then Randy said, "If you don't mind, I'd like to take Donny home today. I'd want to meet his group home parents. Let them know that Donny has a cousin who cares about him."
Both Seth and I thought that was a great idea. These seemed to be okay people, but sometimes the motives of these types can be suspect.
I thought about -- talked about -- and dreamed about Randy for the next few weeks -- that is on top of seeing him nearly every day. He pushed me for full sex nearly every time we met, but something kept me from agreeing. But I was getting closer and closer as the weeks flew by.
One Friday night, I arranged for a special, late supper at one of the restaurants that I learned he was the fondest of. I finally had to admit to myself that I was falling in love ... again! I also admitted to myself -- again -- that I was afraid of being hurt -- again! But I decided that I'd put that aside and trust, as well as risk a little ... or a lot, who knows -- and let him know how I was feeling. After all, he made no attempt to hide his feelings for me!
In retrospect I think I overdid it. I was still not used to being -- well ... rich! I bought him a much too expensive pendant -- and gave it to him at the restaurant. I told him I felt it was time to take the next step.
"Whoa!" He exclaimed. "This is kinda one sided, isn't it?"
"Huh? I said, not understanding.
"I don't know the value of things, but I can tell this set you back a few coins! I sure can't compete with this!" He said, as he pushed the box back across the table to me.
I was supremely hurt. How could I have known he would react in this way. I took the box and put it in my pocket. As I paid the bill, I took out the box and left it, with a few bucks clamped under it -- to let the waitress know that it was for her. I was also trying to let him know that it meant nothing to me. How wrong I was!
He had come to Seth's and we went out from there, so on our return he was quiet. I tried several times to start a conversation, but he quickly and successfully put an end to it each time. When we got back, frustrated, I asked, "What the Hell is going on here?"
He sat with his hands folded between his legs. "Well, first you make me almost beg to get your love, then when YOU decide that it's time, you try to pay me for it? Then when that didn't work, you threw it away as if it meant nothing to you -- which was probably right on! How did you think I would react?"
"Well, obviously not like you did." I said, maybe a little too defensively. "So -- where do we go from here?"
"I -- don't know. People have disagreements -- misunderstandings. Maybe we should talk it out. I know you tried while we were driving. But -- maybe I'm more ready now -- and sorry -- now that I've expressed my thoughts." He said.
"Okay -- then -- may I begin?" I asked.
"Oh -- yes! Because I don't know where to start."
"Okay -- well -- to me it seemed like you were offended by the gift I gave you. Randy, you MUST know that I didn't mean to offend you! Okay I understand -- now -- maybe it was a little over the top. The thing is, I've been hurt several times and when I realized that I was in love with you -- I guess it kind of went to my head. And since I can afford it -- I just bought what I thought was nice. I truly don't even know how much it was. I just signed the receipt."
"Can you not tell when something is platinum -- and has rubies and diamonds in it -- even small ones -- it is more than most people can afford. Now, I don't know if YOU can afford that kind of thing, but I know I can't -- and probably never will be able to. I need to try to meet you on an even playing field."
"Randy -- uhhhhhm -- that's probably not going to happen. Through some bit of luck -- I have inherited a fortune. It's like I hit the lottery. One day I was poor -- the next I was -- rich! And it's not something I can abuse and lose -- like many lottery winners do. It's all invested securely and all I have to do is spend the money -- and I couldn't spend it fast enough to keep up with the earnings. If that offends you -- or you can't handle that truth -- then - " I couldn't say the rest.
By this time Randy had removed his hands from between his legs and they were neatly folded into his arms. He was looking straight ahead. He was silent for a long time, but then I saw a tear leave his left eye. It tracked down his face and then there were many more. Finally he turned and looked me in the eyes, and timidly took my hands in his.
"I don't want to lose you." He whispered. "I'm sorry that I -- maybe -- overreacted. I - "
He stopped to think and I said, "Look, It's not as if I grew up to some kind of high and mighty upbringing. I didn't. You know how I was abused as a kid. We have more in common than anyone I've met! I was just lucky -- that's all."
"I could never compete with you."
"Why do we have to compete?" I said. "Men have totally supported their families for ever -- and for most of history, the woman has not worked outside the home. Did they complain that they could not compete?"
"Heh - they are now!"
"That's because they're fools. They have the most awesome and important role in society: to raise the children."
"Oh -- thanks for reminding me -- who's going to raise our children?"
"Oh -- do you want kids, too?" I said. "Well -- the difference for us is -- I don't have to go away and leave all the responsibility for raising them to you. I can be there and help. Or -- you could work and I could take care of the kids -- would that be easier for you to cope with? Seth has a job and Luke has money. It seems to be working for them - what would be the difference -- for us?"
He seemed to be making squares on the car's floor -- maybe trying to make some logic out of what I was saying. I continued, "What would you have rather I did -- to tell you what I was trying to tell you?"
"We could have consummated the start of our relationship -- er -- um -- what WAS the reason you gave me the pendant?"
"Well, I know it was lame but -- I was trying to tell you that I love you. Obviously that didn't work."
"All you had to ever do is to love me ... and show me by doing what I've been begging for all these weeks."
"Oh!" I said.
"I got tested." He said.
"Oh?"
"Everything came back negative. Wanna see the results?" He asked
"No -- I believe you!"
I was about to come in for a kiss, when he said, "You?"
"Huh?"
"Your results -- they were negative too?"
I was stumped. "I -- er -- um -- haven't been tested!"
He looked extremely pissed for a moment and when I opened my mouth to explain -- and trust me I didn't have a clue what I would say -- he interrupted me. "Look, a few weeks ago, you made this big deal about getting tested, and so -- I went and got it done! And then when you decide it;'s time, you don't even bother? C'mon. Joshua!" He sounded -- and looked -- really pissed.
I felt like a real fool and was about to give up on this conversation going anywhere. I was stupid! That's all there is to it. Just when I was going to give up and ask if he wanted to go home, he again turned on my with a mixture of frustration, hurt and anger.
"I've been waiting too long for this. You are going to fuck me tonight, dammit -- with a condom! You OWE me!" He said than he kissed my surprised mouth! I laughed and kissed him back.
"No -- I'm going to make love to you tonight. Mad, passionate love! WITH a condom."
"I'll admit -- the way you say it, it sounds much more romantic."
"So -- what're we gonna do about the money thing?" I asked timidly.
"Well, I'm going to try to overlook that one tiny flaw in your personality!" He said. We both laughed more than was necessary -- probably because the tension needed to be let out.
As we walked past Luke and Seth, curled up on the love seat watching a pay-per-view, Luke said, "Looks to me like something significant happened tonight!"
Seth laughed and said, "Looks to ME like something significant is GOING to happen!"
As we went in my bedroom door, they were still smirking, so I stuck my tongue out at them and gave them the finger! Luke -- quickly raced across the room, and grabbed my hand and sucked the finger. "Thought I'd better do that. It may never taste this way again!"
We closed the door and ripped each others' clothing off. We kissed hard and passionately, and then everything changed pace and we went slow and gentle. I didn't want to hurt him his first time. I played with him for a good hour before he started to beg for it again. I told him he would not be disappointed, and worked my way to sucking all around his rigid pole. He kept squeezing mine as if he was sizing it up.
I went for the gold and while I sucked, I worked a well lubed finger into his anus. He squealed a little and I shushed him a little. I sucked and sucked -- purposely going agonizingly slow, as I worked my finger in and out -- easily and obviously finding his prostate. He moaned -- as he did the first time I did that. He was breathing pretty hard and fast when I told him to relax. I stopped sucking, but left my warm mouth on his shaft while I massaged and stretched his anal sphincter, all the while gently running my tongue over his head and the loose remnant of his foreskin . When I had all my fingers in him, he relaxed completely and something that I never experienced happened: My whole hand easily slipped inside him. I looked up and his eyes were closed.
"You're not asleep are you?" I whispered.
"Oh no! I've never been more awake in my life."
"Do you now what is in your bum?"
"Well, you're not in the right position for it to be your dick. So it must be your fingers!"
"Randy -- I've never experienced anyone to take to this -- like you have." I said, as I nearly could stroke the base of his meat from the inside. "My whole hand is inside you!"
His initial reaction was to clamp down on my wrist. I laughed and then he joined me. "Please remove your damned fist and replace it with your - " He started.
I interrupted. "You have to put this on me first," I said, holding up the packaged condom.
"Oh! Okay!"
I think I got harder still as he handled my dick and rolled on the extra large condom.
I kissed him deeply again and lubed up the condom. I pressed it against his back door and he gave a "Huff!" As I pushed past his sphincter. His legs were over my shoulders, and his eyes were glued to my own as he willed himself to accept this foreign object into a space that had never been invaded from the outside before -- not in this way, at least. I pushed past his prostate and he made another little "uff" sound and again when I bottomed out, stretching the inner shaft to the max. he was sweating now, letting me know that it hurt at least some. But he said, Don't stop now. Go for it, Baby!"
I pulled back out. The ribbed surface of the condom fluttered past his prostate and he let out a shudder and a deep moan. His face seemed to express deep concentration. I could tell that he was trying to deal with a lot of new sensations, not the least of which was some amount of pain. Of course my fist was much bigger around than my own shaft, but I didn't go so deep with my hand. When I pushed back in again, tears sprang out of his eyes. I stopped.
"NO! Please don't stop!"
"But -- doesn't it hurt?"
"Yes -- oh my GOD it hurts! But there's also something -- something -- heavenly -- about it! Please don't stop. Go faster!"
He again cried out as I hit bottom. Then he laughed and said, "Is that all you got? Do it harder!"
I shoved it to the hilt, faster and seemingly deeper with every stroke. His cries turned in to whoops of joy! The noise crossed my mind only once -- that Luke and Seth could hear, but I pushed it away. I stopped once after burying myself to the hilt, and kissed him. His eyes opened again and poured out tears, as he begged me to keep pounding him. I did as he asked and in a few seconds he was screaming out and his jizz came exploding out of him, and seemed to coat his chest in cum.
I was not even close -- I suppose because of the condom, and with his permission, I picked up the pace and was straining with everything I had to go fast and furious finally, I felt that familiar feeling well up inside me -- that almost out-of-control urge to finish now or die! I didn't die! I finished and sprayed his insides with -- well it felt like quarts of my crème. It wasn't possible, but it felt that way. When I finished his legs came down and I collapsed atop his body, almost swimming in his earlier cast pearly white nectar.
Both of our faces were coated in tears -- not of pain or sorrow bit of the pure ecstasy of the moment, being overcome by it.
I felt so much at peace -- in love, like I was whole for the first time in my life. I loved the feeling. It was a place I never allowed myself before, because of the fear that I'd not be able to keep it. I was not so encumbered this time. Rather than remind myself that sex always made me feel this way, I let go and believed! I believed that this time, it was true love that I was feeling. We kissed and cuddled for a good 45 minutes before I fell asleep on top of my sweet lover.
When I awoke, I found myself feeling no different than when I went to sleep. I looked directly into his eyes. He kissed me again and said, "I'd swear that your whole face was glowing! Did I say was? It still is! How do you feel?"
I let my head fall into the crook of his neck and I sucked and kissed on it for a moment. "I feel like -- like -- I've fallen in love -- for the first time in my life!"
"Me too -- too bad it will go away by morning." He said as if he were saying hi, how are you?
I felt like Christopher Reeve in the movie "Somewhere in Time", when he saw the shiny 1979 penny. It was like I was pulled back from the dream into reality -- never to be able to go back again. "NOOOOOoooooooo!" I wailed! "This time -- it's different -- this time it's real!" I cried.
"It does feel that way, Doesn't it?" He confirmed.
When I woke up in the morning, he was already awake, smiling into my sleepy eyes. "It didn't go away -- not for me!" He exulted.
I closed my eyes, and opened them again. "Still there!" I said and laughed. "It wasn't a dream -- it feels real this time -- like it's never felt before -- I mean -- unreal and real at the same time -- you know?"
He laughed and said, "I know ... I KNOW!" he kissed my cummy breathed mouth. I tried to pull away, but he said, "No I want to experience it all."
"But it's last nights cum -- I can taste it -- it's disgusting!" I protested.
"It IS disgusting and ... wonderful! It's mine! It's yours! It's me -- it's YOU! And I love it!"
"Are you trying to tell me you love me?" I said, laughing out of pure joy.
"I love you and ... I'm in love with you!"
"Omigosh! Me too!" I screamed.
"You think we can get that pendant back?" He said. "I really did love it!"
"No!" I said. "That was another day -- it represented something I can't even identify with this morning! We'll buy something else -- this time for both of us -- not that I'll need any reminder!" I laughed. "God I love you!"
"You do, don't you?" he laughed. "Now you know how I've felt for the last month!"
"Oh gosh, I'm sorry!" I exclaimed.
"No -- don't! As long as you still feel this way this morning -- that's all that matters. Um -- do you mind if I tell Donny today? He can tell something is going on. I'm afraid he won't take it very well."
"I guess he needs to know sometime. Maybe we should ask Seth what he thinks." I said.
"You guys are serious, Aren't you?" Said Seth. "Well you know, Luke and I both felt it last night as you disappeared into your room. I'll do what I can to smooth it over . No -- YOU tell him -- today -- and I'll talk to him this afternoon. No doubt he'll be upset, but he needs to face reality." When he said that, I shuddered a little inside me.
I arranged my day to be gone when Donny got there. I know, I know -- kinda cowardly of me. I told Randy I'd pick him up at five and we'd go wherever he wanted for dinner. He said the same place as last night, but I had a bad feeling about that. Superstitious, I guess.
When I arrived at his door, his mother answered. "You must be Joshua. I'll get Randall." She said. I guess he didn't tell her the good news ... or ... maybe he did!
Randy came around the corner, looking at the floor. "Hi." he said gloomily, reminding me of Ross Geller from Cheers, when he was very sad or disappointed about something.
He opened the door and led me outside. "What's wrong?" I said. "Did something go wrong with Donny?"
"Not -- not exactly." He said, still looking down.
"Do you still -- um -- feel the same -- um -- about -- me?"
He looked up his eyes drenched in tears. "I can't. I can't do it!"
"What?" I said desperately, trying to block out the shiny 1979 penny!
"I have to stay with -- Donny!" He said, gasping and then sobbing. "He loves me too much! I can't do that to him.
"You tried and tried," he continued, "to convince me that love between cousins was okay -- but I couldn't see it ... at first. I was actually going to tell you just before you gave me the pendant -- that I had decided to give it a try... that you were right. Cousins CAN be lovers! When we made love last night -- I was confused and -- thought that -- it was real -- and -- omigod! It IS real! I DO love you ... but I have to go with my cousin. I've loved him for years. And today as I was about to tell him about you and me -- I felt it. He needs me -- and -- I know it doesn't make much sense but -- I need him! I knew it the day I went to his house and found that his so-called parents -- don't love him. They care for him -- but they don't love him. He needs me -- to love him. I'm sorry, Joshua -- I'm sorry!"
"NOOOOOoooooooo!" echoed a voice inside me. I felt like something died. How could this be happening -- again! "It's -- it's -- okay," I said, "you have to do what you have to do." I said staring straight ahead.
I was so stunned I couldn't even cry. He threw his arms around me and said, "Oh Joshua, I love you soooo much!" He was blubbering like a baby. I patted his back to console him!
As I drove back, it crossed my mind to drive down to the lake -- down IN to the lake. But ... I didn't. I returned home. Seth was waiting for me, with Luke. They had already heard -- because Randy called and told them. As soon as I stepped in and closed the front door, they surrounded me and sandwiched me inside their embrace.
"Oh, Josh -- We're so sorry!" Said Luke. They swayed with me as I started to face reality.
"The good news is -- you didn't zone out -- or anything. You are learning to deal quite well."
I hyperventilated and then, being in the arms of two guys that I trusted my life with -- and loved -- I let out a long wail. They rocked me back and forth, kissing my neck, humming and cooing to me. "Let it our, Josh! You deserve to let it out. You're doing fine. We love you. You will find someone else -- soon I believe.
I was in the midst of wondering what crystal ball Seth was peering into when it hit me: I never as much as even told Randy that he could call me Josh!
Notes. Is this just another typical teenager's crush being crushed? I don't think so. I think he was deeply wounded. I know I was. This came up and blew up so fast it made our heads spin. Well, at least THAT's typically teen! What more can happen to our sweet boi!? I'll let you know as soon as I find out! Comments are welcome to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and ... Love, Steve