Growing Up Joshua

Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY!

Cast of characters: Joshua Alan Black II

Barbie Warfield -- my mother

Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather

Alva Benson -- my Gram (Grandma)

Iver Benson -- my Pop (Grandpa)

Richard -- My favorite Cousin

Ray and Raul -- Richards' older brothers.

Nate Willows -- My first roomie.

Rudy Chanbers -- Friend across the hall.

James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer

Morty Rankowiscz -- college friend

Zach Taylor -- new friend

Tom Clancy -- Zack's dad.

Jane Clancy -- Zach'z mom.

Dania, Darcy, Deanna, Danny and David -- Zach's Sibs

From Chapter 19:

"Hi James!" Said Zach.

"Oh! You've got company. Sorry." Said James, obviously disappointed. I doubt if Zach noticed, though.

"Did you need to talk?" I asked.

"Or something?" Said Zach.

"Yeah -- that!"

"Huh?" I said.

"He wants the `or something' option." Said Zach. Zach opened the covers and James slid back into me. As soon as he was comfortable -- and my boner found a place to expand -- he let out a gasp and a sigh and we all went back to sleep.

Chapter 20

When we woke up, James was gone. I wondered if it was only a dream. I was on my back, and Zach was curled up beside me.

"Where'd your brother go?"

"James -- he -- I guess got up early -- or something. He graduates this year from the boy's academy. He's probably studying. He's not my brother though."

"I know. But he acts like he is. It's so quiet in the house. What time is it?" Said Zach.

I reached for my pants and got my phone out and opened it. "9:47. Sometimes they go to church."

"They don't ask you to come too?"

"They used to. I guess they gave up on me. Heh! A lost cause, I guess."

"Well, if you are, I guess I am too."

"Oh ... and when were YOU raped?" I didn't say it, but I thought about it. I may as well have ...

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Nothin'."

"Yeah, like I believe that one!" He said. He sat up and leaned over me. "What's wrong, Josh?" He repeated.

I smiled and reached up and removed a large piece of sleep from his left eye. I studied both his eyes for a moment. "No one has ever taken you by force -- have they?"

"No. You were the first I ever did anything with."

"I have dreams, Zach. Dreams of making love to you." His eyes got large and he started to smile slightly. I continued. "Dreams of sex with my brother -- my REAL brother -- James, Morty, Richard and Dennis -- my step-father. What would you guess would be the difference in them?"

This time he studied my eyes a few moments before answering. "I like to fantasize that with me, it's different. With me -- you like it better. With me you feel safe. But that's only a fantasy. How can you feel safe with me -- when I have done what I have to you?"

"I feel as safe with you as I do with anyone -- in my dreams."

"Oh!" He said, with a hopeful look.

"It's the same with all of you." I said.

"Huh?"

"In my dream, I love every one of you. In my dream I ... am afraid of every one of you."

"Afraid -- what? But - "

When I'm not dreaming, I understand reality. I know, for example -- that Dennis was only taking advantage of my trust -- and weakness -- as an 8-year-old -- to - "

"Wait a minute! 8-year-old?"

"I thought you knew that." I said. "He started making love -- and you can put great big quotation marks around those words -- he made love to me first when I was 8. Dennis was my stepfather and I trusted him. He was all I knew -- as far as a father is concerned. When he told me he was loving me -- and we should keep this a secret from anyone else - as an 8-year-old, I wanted to be wanted so much. I wanted to be loved ... oh my GOD ... SO MUCH! and when he wasn't in my bed, he treated me like dirt."

"Then how could you - "

"It was all I knew, Zach. He started to do Richard first. But that became inconvenient -- especially when I was so close. He only saw Richard once every few weeks. I lived with him. When I became old enough that he was no longer interested -- he only liked boys -- he turned to my younger cousins."

"That must have been a relief for you -- but did you know - "

"I didn't know he was doing them. All I knew was that he stopped doing me about the time my dick got big. And guess what?"

"What?"

"I hated it!"

"Well, duh! I'd hate it too if someone was fucking me all the - "

"No -- Zach -- I hated it when he stopped! It was like I stopped getting the only love I knew."

"You thought that was love?"

"In my dreams -- it still is. But in my dreams I seem to know that he doesn't love me. I only feel this desperate love -- that I know can never be returned. And I want him so bad -- but can't trust him."

"So -- what you're telling me is -- you LIKED it when he fu -- er -- did you!" Zach marveled. "Didn't it hurt?"

"Yes. So much, I'd cry -- silently -- after he left. My butt was constantly bleeding. But I craved it. He would tell me he loved me -- and tenderly too -- all the time he did it. He would cry and tell me he was sorry that it hurt, but that he loved me so much! I believed him."

"And you still dream about that?"

"I told you -- I dream about all of you." I looked from eye to eye -- to see if he understood what I was telling him.

He dropped back down onto his back suddenly. "Oh my gosh! And -- you said you feel the same about each of us! O my gosh! You - " He stopped talking.

"Zach -- that's what I was trying to tell you. Dreams tell us a lot about our subconscious. Seth tells me that I may have to just live with it. I may never be able to trust anyone -- fully. You deserve someone who can -- love and trust you -- like you do to them."

Zach closed his eyes. He breathed deep and tears started to flow from his closed eyes. Josh -- I want to try. I want you to trust me enough -- to know that I -- THINK -- I understand what you just told me. I want to try to -- love you."

"You probably CAN love me. And I can love you -- but maybe never like you want me to. And it's you who stands to get hurt here. I don't want to hurt you, Zach."

"I just -- I mean -- will you - " He stammered, "Will you let ME be responsible for my own feelings? I want to -- um -- risk -- losing you -- to be able to maybe keep you."

"But you don't get it, Zach. It's not about that. You could keep me -- maybe forever -- but -- I may not be able to give you what you deserve -- what you need."

"I still wanna try!"

"Let's just date for awhile." I said.

"But - "

"You can't accept that? Can't we just date for awhile -- for now?" I was getting frustrated.

"It's more than I had yesterday -- and more than I ever had with Morty."

"Don't count Morty out." I said.

"But he - "

"He's got issues -- just like I do -- just like you probably do -- to some degree. Rather than bad-talk anyone, just decide that you and Morty aren't a match. He'll probably need to find another born-Jew -- to be satisfied -- and to satisfy his parents, which is important to him. And God help the guy if anyone has put a knife to his dick!" I chuckled.

I got up and went to the bathroom. I checked James' Room. Gone. I went back and stretched out my arm to Zach. "Wanna wash my back?"

"I'm sorry you're having such a time of it, Josh. You may have to come out here and spend some time -- with Luke and me -- so I can concentrate on you like you deserve. Is that even a possibility?"

My heart skipped a beat. I hadn't told Zach that I also dreamed about me and ... Seth. Or that Seth was the only one I ever felt I could trust -- in my dreams. And now Seth is asking me to come live with him ... AND Luke!

"Seth -- I -- um -- I have a year until I graduate, after this term."

"Josh -- are you involved in any way -- other than school -- that would -- um -- prevent you from spending some time with us?"

I thought about ach and his impassioned plea to me. "I've promised my cousin that I'd be his best man -- you know -- at his wedding -- just after graduation." I said.

"What about Zach -- didn't you tell me that he want's - "

"Zach -- will be better off -- if I am fixed!"

"Well, I agree with that -- assuming you can be fixed."

"I KNOW I can -- with your help, Seth!"

"What??!!" Said a very hurt Zach. "You want to WHAT??!! Leave for a year?"

"I need to, Zach. And when I come back -- I'll be able to give myself completely -- to you."

Zach covered his face and leaned back into the Mustang's bucket seat. "No. No NO NOO! You can't leave now! I was just getting to get used to - "

" - to the fact that I cannot ever give you what you deserve?" I said. "That you will always have to settle for less than what you give?"

"I don't WANT you to leave!"

"I know. I KNOW!" I commiserated. "DAMMIT this is hard!"

"You really need to do this -- don't you?"

I looked across the center console, deep into his eyes. "WE need me to do this, Zacky!"

"Can I come and visit?"

"Of course!" Said Seth. "And it's not as if you will be in prison. You can go home to visit too. I guess I was worrying about how you would support yourself while you do it. Do you need to work -- here -- while you're in therapy?"

"Actually -- I probably would." I said, hoping I was able to hide my stupidity. I actually was assuming that someone else would take care of me!

"It's too bad that your stepfather died. How did that make you feel?"

"Actually I felt somewhat responsible."

"Oh no! Omigosh, You weren't - "

"Seth -- is it bad that I don't feel bad about it?"

"Huh?"

"I'm GLAD they're dead! Both Dennis and his hag of a mother -- I have no feelings at all -- bad feelings, at least -- about that."

"I just wish you could have told him while he was sober -- what you thought of him. That would have been good -- for you."

"Except he was never sober! I know he never was when he screwed me! But -- believe me -- he GOT it. I don't believe he killed himself -- on purpose -- but he was so upset when he left -- because of me and because his brother threw him out. I -- Seth -- I got -- I mean -- is it okay that their deaths didn't bother me -- at all?"

"There were probably some who felt bad. You could have - "

"Well, yeah, Richard loved his Gram. I did feel badly for him. But I found myself being careful what I said to him. She was such a witch -- to me. To her -- just as to my stepfather -- I was the bastard. Even Richard's father treated me second class."

"I don't think you need to apologize to anyone. You have been quite civil, considering the circumstances."

"What about ... Zach?"

"Josh, you're a good man! But Zach is old enough to make his own decisions. You've told him and given him all the options -- as you see them. Have enough respect for him to trust his judgment. You can't take care of the world, Josh."

"But even you have told me that I shouldn't get too involved until I gat straight with myself."

"That was nearly three years ago. You're a man now and you may have to face the possibility that you are what you are. You never stop trying to improve, but there comes a time when you have to say, "I'm enough."

"Not only can you come visit me in Vermont, Zach, but you can stay there with me -- if we choose to do that. Seth considers me like a younger brother. I hope Luke sees it that way. But Seth says he's pretty sure he will."

"What does Luke do?"

"He owns an airline."

"You're kidding me!"

"Nope! He's a bit of a playboy, actually. He helps Seth often with Seth's cases, but his sister is the one who runs the airline -- in Hawaii. He just draws a generous salary -- and he surfs."

"He surfs? You mean he spends all his time on the internet?"

"Oh no! He actually surfs -- on a surf board - all around the world. Because of their wealth, neither of them HAVE to work. But Seth likes helping people. His `work' is all volunteer. He often takes off and goes to exotic places with Luke -- and watches him surf."

"Seth doesn't surf?"

"He says he can but doesn't want to get technical. His brother-in-law was seriously hurt surfing and Seth himself is somewhat frail."

"What from?"

"You know -- he has told me a lot, but a lot of was in confidence -- so if you get to know him, maybe he can tell you. Sorry." I said.

(Editor's note: Or ... he could read "Colin-Story", and "Chris-Crossed-Seth" by this same author and learn in detail about the "Smith Clan".)

"Boy, I'll bet Seth could have a heyday with Morty! You know, that ass hole called me last night?"

"Oh yeah? Why is it you're drawn to broken boys like us?"

"Huh?"

"Just because Morty doesn't operate in a way that you can't deal with -- doesn't make him an ass hole."

"Oh, come on! Look what he did to you!"

"Zach, for some reason you like to deal with me -- even though I can't give YOU what I think you deserve. Each of us has some idiosyncrasies that others can't -- or won't -- deal with. Morty's okay -- really. He just needs to get past some things in his life before he can deal -- one-on-one with anyone -- in a meaningful way -- I think."

"But- "

"Look, you have been very lucky -- to have the parents that you have. They have understood and even protected you when you needed it. Some of us have not had that luxury. I don't believe that Morty is the least bit devious in how he deals with things. He just has enough challenge dealing with his own life -- and hopefully some day he'll learn to put someone else first. For now that may not be possible"

"I think you're too nice!"

"Well -- maybe I've experienced enough that I can have some compassion for others."

"Maybe you should be like Seth -- a shrink." Said Zach.

"I've thought about it. Seth thinks it's a possibility, but he suggests I keep working on me before I start to work on others. He had to go through a lot -- but it was AFTER that, that he decided to study psychology. I'm taking a basic premed course for now." I said. "What?!!" I added, because he was drilling me with his eyes.

"Omigosh! I just love listening to you as you talk -- and watching your face. You are sooooo -- I dunno -- you just make my insides quiver."

"Well, we both need to get back to school soon. And since there's no one home -- can I make something else quiver?"

"I was hoping ... " He said,

I reached inside his pants and rubbed his boner. I removed my hand and smelled the moist sex in my fingers. I licked them. Zach kissed me deeply. "Let's go to my room. In case someone comes home."

We went to his room and just about ripped each other's clothes off. We stood buck naked admiring each other's bodies. We were both completely smooth, and could have been taken for brothers maybe. The most noticeable difference was my uncut meat. He milked a little dribble of pre from it and smelled it. His body shook involuntarily. "Gosh, I love that stuff. I hope I never get used to it!" He said and sucked his fingers.

We fell on the bed and rolled over each others warm bodies, kissing and caressing every place we could touch as we kissed. He went down on me and sucked it in. He looked up to me and I nodded. He swirled his tongue around and pushed down my hood with it. I shuddered hard. He again looked at me for another go ahead. I loved that he is so considerate. He knows that inside my hood, I am extremely sensitive. I again gave it to him. He deep throated it and I let go a large volley of pre down his throat, and with a deep intake of breath, shuddered almost violently myself.

He involuntarily swallowed and it felt like an electric shock -- only better. He grabbed my butt and pulled me deep down his throat and tried to suck my balls in too. My small testicles were still too much to fit, and he shook his face back and forth, moaning loudly. I felt every vibration of his vocal chords, and I lost all control.

My hips started to thrust and I was doing all I could not to scream out from the intensity of the experience. No one had ever done this exactly like he did, and it was almost scary, as wave after wave of intense shivers overcame me, as I built up to my peak.

I could no longer stand it. I cried out as I felt volley after volley shoot down his throat! When I stopped shooting, (I have no idea how he held his breath so long!) he hugged me so tight for several seconds, entrapping me deep down his gullet, and finally worked both my balls into his mouth.

As I grew soft, seemingly taking forever, he let all of me slip out and I expected him to gasp and cough from lack of air. Instead, he started to breathe shallowly and then gradually took in more and more breath. He -- tenderly -- almost respectfully -- pulled the hood over my exposed, cherry red glans. Again the feeling was intense, but his soft touch made it wonderful!

He climbed back up to my level and lay beside me. He then pulled me on top of him and I was so weak that I collapsed there, still heaving and gasping from my orgasm.

"My God, I didn't know I could feel such love for anyone!" He said. "Please, Josh -- please -- don't remind me what sex can make me feel. I know that. I just want to feel it -- and I don't even care if I get off, myself. This was enough for me -- for now. I feel more love in me -- for you -- than I ever knew could ever exist for anyone. I just want it to last as long as it can."

I was glad he understood, but I too was glad that we both could just feel the lovely, heavenly glow of love -- for each other -- for the experience -- for the universe -- for the moment.

The rest of finals week went uneventfully. While others were still cramming to pass tests, Zach and I were more and more thrown together, as no one else was available. Not that we minded it much. Studies were easy -- the sex was easier -- and much more satisfying. Not that acing a final wasn't satisfying, but it couldn't compete with the momentary high that we found in each others' embrace. I guess I at least ... finally ... took Seth's advice and let Zach be in charge of his feelings. He told me he understood. So I let it happen. And it sure felt good.

The spring semester came and was going fast. Zach and I were seeing each other regularly -- and no one else, but neither of us was willing to commit any further than we already had. I think we each were somewhat superstitious, as if what happened to us last time would repeat itself -- somehow.

I was increasingly excited about going to Vermont -- for up to a year. I was now convinced that Seth thought more of me than just a patient. That was a little scary, because I knew how I felt about him. That also hovered over Zach's head like a looming disaster. I felt sorry for him. I had Seth; I had James; I had Richard. I even had Nate. Zach had ... me!

As we were coming down from the high of one of our afternoon delights (that was the only time we were sure to have the house to ourselves) Zach said, "Um -- I just want you to know: I don't want you to go."

"Huh?" I said. I was not in tune with this line of thinking at the time. "Where?"

"<SIGH!!> I'm afraid."

"Okay -- where did this come from?" I replied. "I thought we'd been through this."

"We did, but -- you're -- you're the one -- who's -- who's -- going. First, you're going to California."

"And you're going with me!" I said.

"No -- I - "

"No!!?" I exclaimed. "I thought that was settled too. You didn't come at Christmas time. I thought - "

"I -- just -- don't think I want to watch you -- um -- interact with -- someone that you so obviously are closer to -- than me."

I wanted to reassure him that I was never closer to anyone than I had been to him. But that wasn't true. It may have been true sexually, but even then, I had much more experience with my brothers and my cousin -- than Zach. With him it felt good to just be in the moment -- and just feel the moment without always having the reminder that that feeling was only being generated by the hormones and pheromones created by the sex. We both knew that.

Or was there more to it? For me? For Zach? Is this that place where I can't bust through emotionally -- subconsciously -- and which will be the end of all relationships for me?

My long silence had its effect on Zach. He stared into my eyes, waiting for something. Was it something I couldn't give?

"Hey! Lighten up! You can go if you want -- or not. Just know I wish you would." I wanted to tell him that his being there might make my intense loneliness easier -- when I saw that Richard was safely out of my reach -- in the arms of -- her! But that would only confirm Zach's fears that I loved Richard more -- wouldn't it?

"I'll think about it." He said. Then he actually turned away from me. I spooned him from behind, holding his hand to his chest. His warm nakedness felt wonderful, but ... did mine feel as good to him?

As the time for Richard's wedding grew closer, it was time to make reservations. Zach decided he didn't want to go. I told him that it might be the last time that he and I were together for any extended time before I go to Vermont. I wanted to be sad for him -- and I WAS -- but I was so excited for me! I tried not to show it too much. I don't think I was too successful.

Zach took me to the airport, and there were hugs and no tears. It seemed surreal. It was hard not to dwell on the very real possibility that this good bye was more final than either of us could know. Yet we acted as if nothing had changed.

"Where's Bunny?" I asked. Richard again scooped me up as soon as I alit from the escalator, in the luggage area of the Sacramento Airport.

"Are you kidding?" He said. "She's going to be a bride in two days! Do you think she has time for anything as mundane as picking up the best man?"

He reared back, still holding me, and said, "Damn, Cuz! You get better looking as you get older!"

"Yeah, I'm getting SOOO old, aren't I? I laughed. "Maybe it's more like, absence makes the heart grow fonder!"

He pulled me in close and answered, "It definitely does that!" And he kissed my neck, then picked up my luggage and I followed him to his car. well, it was a family car. His Ferrari was too small for us and luggage.

He carried my bags into the house and his father said, "You can put him in the north guest room."

Their manor had a bank of guest rooms. The North room was the best! I didn't expect that my uncle would give me the preferred room, but I didn't have much time to consider it as my cousin said, "No way!" Tonight the best man stays with the groom!

"You don't want your own space?" I said.

"Not tonight, I don't!"

"I couldn't guess if his father knew any of Richard's and my history, but he frowned at this idea. But Richard ignored this and carried my stuff to his bedroom.

Richard turned 22 three weeks before I was 19, a few weeks before in the spring. At a time when some guys wanted to get out and away from their parents, he had no such inclination. His living conditions were better than most, though. His bedroom was actually a suite that took up a second floor wing of the south end of the manor.

"You actually think I'd let you bunk over in the north wing -- our last two nights together?" He said.

I chuckled, not verbalizing what my true thoughts were: It was going to be hard for me to sleep in his bed -- no matter how king sized it is -- and not touch him!

"Tonight's the rehearsal dinner and tomorrow night is the bachelor party." Said Richard. "Hah! Bunny is worried about there being strippers there! I promised there will be no girls there -- whatsoever! I of course didn't tell her that I'd have my own personal stripper sleeping with me!" He laughed long at that. I chuckled politely, not quite knowing how much to take seriously. "Of course the best man usually hosts that event, but since you're only here for the weekend, I'll let you slide on that." He gave me a delicious grin.

"My mom is hosting the rehearsal dinner right here, after we return from the church tonight. That makes it pretty convenient. I don't have to worry about any designated driver! But I guess you're pretty much a teetotaler anyway, aren't you?"

"I'll drink some Champaign at the right times." I said. "But no, I don't care much for alcohol, and I definitely don't like what it does to me."

"If you had lived here, you might have needed it to just cope. Joshy, you know I loved my Gram. But growing up under the same roof, and living with the constant tension that created between her and my mum -- that would drive any kid to find ways to escape. That's why I wanted to be at your house so much!"

"I always hoped that was because - "

"Ohhhh -- nooooo, Joshy -- babe! I DID love coming there to see you! Even putting up with what Dennis did -- to me -- I still liked it better at your house than my own. And YOU were what made it sooo much better!" At my hurt look, he strode over and took me in his arms and planted a wet kiss on my lips. I closed my eyes and started to get into it, but he stopped as quick as he started. "Not now, Cuz!" He laughed, and kissed me again -- on the cheek.

"Let's see what the lake looks like!"

Their Manor overlooked Folsom Lake. Those who know the lake know that immediately above it -- in the foothills -- are many such estates. He pulled me out and down to the edge of what should have been the shore. But the lake itself was severely receded, from a 2-year drought. "This sucks, doesn't it?" he said.

"Last time I was here -- I mean as a kid -- we swam out to that -- well it was an island at that time. We - " I stopped, embarrassed, when I remembered what we had done on the island.

"I remember it too." He said, suddenly serious. "That was our last time together before I was sent away to prep school. Did you know how much I hated my Gram for doing that to me? It was she who did it."

"I think I know why." I said. "She didn't like that we were such good friends."

"Is that all we were?" He said. That made my insides turn over! "Yeah, I know. I hated her for that too. She called you - " He stopped, embarrassed that he had said more than he wanted.

"She called me the bastard." I said simply. "Well, so? I was."

"You were so much more than that -- to me, Joshy! If you could only know how much I'd like to devour you right here. I still - "

"I know." I said, knowing he got that I understood him.

We went back into the house and my aunt asked us to help set up for the rehearsal dinner. She had caterers there, but some things could not be left to them.

At the rehearsal at the church, were the families of all those involved. Besides me, Richard had his two brothers as ushers and he told me that there was one more -- a class mate who would be arriving late. My mother was there -- for some unknown reason -- to me. I suppose because she was my mother. I was polite to her.

Of course Bunny had an equal number of attendants, including her Matron of honor, another Prima Donna sister, who was married six months earlier. She was no help to her sister at all. My mother saw the need and came to her aid. One of the attendants could not make it at the last minute, and bunny asked my mother to fill in. Mother was skinny as a rail and the dress had to be taken in for her.

As I was contemplating the weirdness of being in a wedding line up with my own mother, there was a commotion at the narthex of the church. All eyes looked that way and I almost lost it. The General walked in. He saluted sharply, and then held the door for Mom. I don't know why it never occurred to me, with all these families -- why not my own? First my mother -- then my father! I looked at Richard and he grinned and pointed back toward the narthex. In walked ... Nate!

Nate was dressed in his full military uniform. A silence came over everyone as he walked down and filled the empty space at the alter, on the my left. Nate grinned at me and removed his hat.

"This is my other best friend, Nate Willows." Said Richard. "And his parents, General and Mrs. Nathan Willows."

My dad did a short salute to me, which I returned automatically, then he guided mom and took their place in the second pew. I wondered if he even recognized my mother, standing in the wedding lineup.

After the rehearsal, I ran down and out of respect, hugged my parents first. I felt a fleeting bit of sorrow for my mother, as she had to be watching me react with my new family. But that was short lived, as I got to my brother! Nate -- as Richard had done earlier -- picked me up and twirled me around. He hugged me and kissed my cheek. "I have so much to talk to you about! I hope we're bunked together!"

"Actually, I'll be spending the nights with the groom, bro." I said. I felt very torn, but this was why I was here! Right?

His disappointment was quickly overcome -- well you know Nate: he always makes the best of a situation.

At the dinner, the bride and groom sat across from each other, and it was awkward that my aunt had reserved the other two seats for the best man and matron-of-honor. The matron of honor pitched a mini-fit that she should be able to sit with her new husband, so they moved her to another table and brought ... my mother -- as the "de-facto matron-of-honor"... to sit at the head table -- across from me!

Estranged might be the word to use for my relationship with my mother. I was polite. She was cowed by my standoffishness. I excused myself and went to the toilet. It was a one-hole lavatory just off the dining room. As I started to close the door, a foot prevented me from doing it. The door was pulled open and my father pushed me in and followed.

"Son, I don't want to spoil anything for you, and I don't blame you for your feelings. That woman- along with her late husband -- has caused you some amount of consternation, including your extended comas. But now might be the time for forgiveness to take place. You don't have to answer. Just consider it. As I understand it, she has been completely selfless in offering to do anything that her former sister-in-law has asked. Maybe you should think about beginning the process -- tonight."

As quickly as he had appeared -- he left. Unsaid were other things like: Didn't we teach you better -- at the academy and at home -- about respect of a parent?

I went back and smiled at my mother -- for the first time in the evening -- as I sat down. I took her hand and squeezed it gently, as I asked how she was.

"Do you know each other?" Asked Bunny.

Mother said nothing. She deferred to me.

"Bunny -- this very kind lady -- is my mother."

Bunny's eyes widened, then she laughed. "Well isn't this the wildest! My matron is the mother of the best man! Hee hee hee!"

"Hello, Aunt Barbie." Said Richard. "Nice to see you again"

"Yes, it is. I always enjoyed your visits. You were always so special to Joshua, Richie! How was -- the funeral. I heard about it -- to late to come."

"It was -- well, as you might imagine -- bittersweet." Said Richard. "It's nice that - "

Richard was interrupted by my uncle. "After the dinner is behind us, I'd like to invite Barbie, Joshua, and Richard into the library for an announcement."

The rest of the dinner was a blur to me. Toasts were made -- by the brides family -- and then they were gone. My mother was about to take her leave when my aunt reminded her that she was requested to attend a meeting in the library. "I was sure that was a mistake." Said my mother.

We went to the library. I looked around. There were Richard's two brothers, my aunt and uncle, Richard, me and my mother -- and one other man I did not recognize.

"I want you all to meet my attorney, Brig Waldston. He has some things to say but before he does, I want to say a few things.

"My brother, Dennis, was a tortured soul. You all know that. We won't go in to details, but what I want you to know is -- that he -- out of my family -- was the only one that stood up to my mother and father. I was the quote: `good son'.

"What I want you to know is that in his -- maybe sometimes twisted way -- he loved his family. Upon reviewing my mother's will, which was somewhat altered after my father passed away, we found some pretty interesting provisions regarding my brother's part of the estate.

"I was pretty positive that mum had changed the will when Dad died, but apparently that is not so. I gave up wondering what it was that mum always argued about with Dennis. It was always something different -- and she never approved of much that he did.

"Anyway -- Brig tells me that Mum could have changed the will at any time, but for whatever reason, she did not. "My father's estate was large enough to support a small city. And maybe that had something to do with Mum's decision to leave it as it was.

"What I am trying to tell you is that Mum has taken care of us all very well."

I started to feel hot around my neck. What could he be saying?

"There are -- if you count us -- seven of us in the room at this time. Each of us is named equally in the will. The corporation of course stands on it's own, and I will be its CEO until I relinquish that to my eldest son, Richard, the third. Don't worry boys; you are well represented in the corporation as well." He said to his other two sons -- who were not really old enough to understand what was being said.

"But as for Dennis's part in the family estate, it is to be divided equally between Barbie and my nephew, Joshua. I know that this was part of the consternation between my brother and Mum. But that is in the past. For my part, I am hoping that love lost may be past and under the bridge -- as they say -- and that we may part as friends."

He then brought out a tray with full glasses of Champaign. "Please join me in saluting my mother and my brother for doing the right thing -- in the end."

I brought the Champaign flute to my lips and it started out tasting bitter, but before I emptied the glass it became sweet to my tongue. I thought about what my father had told me in the lavatory. Was this flute of wine an omen -- or a sign to me that he is right?

I crossed to my uncle Dick and hugged him and then my aunt. I shook hands with all the brothers. "We'll celebrate later!" Said Richard, with a wink.

Then I turned and my mother -- frail and tired looking, was standing to my left. I took her hand and pulled her into a hug and lay my cheek on her head. "I'm glad you came, mother." I said. She clung to me and I felt her shake. I supposed that my acceptance meant more to her than the fortune she had so recently inherited.

"One more thing." Said my uncle. "I debated doing this at this time. It could be bad form to make anything of this during this time that should be the domain of the bride. But I felt that if I waited, you may not all be here to do it. Please act as if nothing unusual has happened -- if that's possible."

When we came out of the library, only my brother waited in the living room. "Mom and Pop went back to the hotel." He said to Richard. "I am hoping that you and I and Joshy can go out somewhere and celebrate."

"Celebrate?" I asked, wondering what he thought he knew.

"Celebrate?" Echoed Richard, looking at me as if, "How could he know?"

"You know -- you getting married!" Said Nate.

"Oh ... that." Said Richard.

"That and ... all of us being together!" Said Nate. "You probably know the best place to take us, seeing as Joshy and I are out of our territory.

He did know. He took us to a couple places in Sacramento, at 20th and K streets, where there are gay bars. None of us drinks much, but for some reason, Richard ordered a beer every time Nate and I ordered a cola. We nearly had to pour him into the car. He was laughing hard and saying that we were not supposed to get him drunk tonight! "Tomorrow night's the bachelor party!" He said, then gave us each a beer-smelling, sloppy kiss on the lips. "I love you guys so much!"

When we got back to the Warfield Manor, Richard was literally passed out and we carried him to his room. "Thanks for taking care of my boy, guys." Said my uncle, as he opened the door for us. "You know where his room is, Joshua. You're welcome to stay here, Nathan ... or I can have someone take you back to your hotel -- if you think your parents may worry."

"I'm in a separate room, Mr. Warfield. They won't even know. I'd appreciate not going back tonight."

"Do you know where the north guest room is, Josh?"

"I -- um -- think so, Sir."

"Good night then, boys."

We took Richard to his room and he stumbled to his bed and was passed out again. Then I showed Nate to his room at the other end of the manor. "In his condition, he won't even know you're gone, Joshy. Why don't you stay here with me?"

I looked at the fire and desire in my brother's eyes and face. I felt a familiar flip-flopping sensation in my tummy -- and lower -- and said, "Um -- thanks, Nate. We'll have to -- um -- get caught up another time. I need to be there in case Rich wakes up. That's what the best man does ... right?"

"Remind me to ask you to be my best man!" He pouted.

"G'night Bro!" I said, and I planted a wet one on Nate's lips. I wondered how close he had gotten with Richard.

When I got back to Richard's room, he was still in the same position he was in when we left, fully clothed, light glaring on his sleeping face, his clothes on, and he was across the bed diagonally.

"C'mon, Rich, let's get you out of these." I said.

He didn't respond, except to snuff loudly and turn over. I reached under him and unzipped his pants and pulled them off, then his shirt. He had what looked like brand new white boxer briefs on and a white tee. I rolled him over to one side of the bed and got undressed, shut off the light and climbed in beside him.

I couldn't go to sleep. I lay there beside my cousin for about 30 minutes, then went to the bathroom and got some toilet tissue and brought it back to bed. If Rich woke up, he would understand. I started out slowly, but in the dim light of his bedside clock I could see his angelic face, and I began to pick up the pace. I didn't notice as I was coming to my peak, that his hand was on my thigh.

I was as quiet as I knew how as I came and came into the tissue.

"W-HOW!" Whispered the figure beside me.

I looked over and Rich was now on his side, watching me finish up wringing out the last of it. "You -- you -- really grew a right studly pole there, cuz." He said. "Nice!"

"Sorry, Rich, I -- well -- I needed to - "

"As if you need to explain that to me!" He said. "Joshy, in the medicine cabinet is some ibuprophen. Will you get me some. My head is already pounding. No telling what it'll be like by morning."

I went to the bathroom again, threw away the cum-soaked tissue and washed my hands and schlong. (I didn't mind the cum so much, but there were bit's of lint all over them from the toilet paper.)

I got him the pills and a glass of water. He said, "There's a fridge in the next room. This works better with O.J."

I drank the water in the glass and went to the adjoining room in his suite and poured him a glass of juice.

When I got back to the room, he was under the covers and when he sat up, I couldn't help noticing his tee shirt was off. He drank the juice and quickly climbed deep into the covers. I climbed in next to him -- well about a foot away, actually -- and again found myself staring at the ceiling.

"Joshy -- I'm kinda cold."

"You want me to turn up the heat? It IS kind of cold in here."

"No, I like it better to have my head cool. Maybe you can just come over here and warm me up."

"THAT I can do." Before I could make a move he turned away from me, indicating that I should spoon him -- which I did. I pulled up close and the first thing I noticed was that he had also removed his boxers. The next thing I noticed was that my wood was again building fast -- and I was sure he had to be noticing too.

"Sorry," I said, "but I still have little control over what it does."

"You know that's never a problem with me, Josh. I have very few nights in the last seven years when I have not thought about you and me sleeping together back when we were teens.

"I'm still a teen. But then I was only eleven. You were - "

"I was fourteen when I was sent away. I have to tell you -- I cried myself to sleep so many times -- because you were taken away from me. Did you do that?"

"I guess I handled it in a different way. I was angry. Not at you. At your parents -- at your Gram. That's when I started Tai-kwon-do. I took out my anger and aggression in my lessons. My instructor, Antonio, was worried that I might hurt someone. And ... I did -- when it was necessary. But not often."

"You feel awesome, Joshy. You're hard body and your hard -- um -- I'm so glad you are here for me this weekend. I'm a little worried."

"What about Rich?"

"I've -- erm -- never -- um -- done anything -- with a girl before. Joshy -- what if I can't -- um -- do it?"

Notes: How many "virgins" have worried about that one? Comments always welcome, to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve