Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Joshua Alan Black II
Barbie Warfield -- my mother
Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather
Alva Benson -- my Gram (Grandma)
Iver Benson -- my Pop (Grandpa)
Richard -- My favorite Cousin
Ray and Raul -- Richards' older brothers.
Nate Willows -- My first roomie.
Rudy Chanbers -- Friend across the hall.
James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer
Morty Rankowiscz -- college friend
Zach Taylor -- new friend
Tom Clancy -- Zack's dad.
Jane Clancy -- Zach'z mom.
Dania, Darcy, Deanna, Danny and David -- Zach's Sibs
From Chapter 18:
"Can I come in?" said the voice I knew was James.
"Yeah." My voice sounded more like an echo to me -- like it wasn't my voice at all.
James came in and closed the door. He knelt on the floor by my head. He placed his hand on my face. I felt that sometime my tears must have returned, because there was warm wetness between his hand and my cheek.
"You hurtin'?" Said James.
"Yeah." I admitted easily.
"Do you want to be alone?"
"No." I said.
He climbed over me and spooned me until I don't remember being awake any longer.
Chapter 19
James and I are both gay. That's a given. But we have little else in common. But he was sensitive to my hurt -- and acted well the part of the brother. That's not to say we didn't sometimes find ourselves in each others' beds -- re-enacting some of the things we did when we first met. But it was established that it would never be any more than to let off some sexual steam.
I still saw both Morty and his newly converted Jewish friend occasionally. And I was surprised that it didn't really bother me all that much. I decided to take Seth's advice and pay closer attention to my studies. Not that I needed a boost. It was one thing that came easily to me.
So I took more hours at the Burger Palace, and pretty much kept to myself, with an occasional romp in the sheets with James. We didn't kiss much. It just didn't occur to either of us. I missed kissing! I daydreamed about it. I night dreamed about it too. I dreamt about Morty, Zach, Nate and of course Richard.
Richard was the one I had the most regrets about. He was also the one who dominated my dreams. I suppose that was because I was looking forward to being his best man. Maybe "looking forward to" is not quite accurate. I was more like dreading it in my waking hours. In my sleep, Bunny didn't exist.
I was busily serving at the drive through when I thought I recognized the voice coming in to the squawk box. When Zach pulled up with his twin brothers in the car, they shrieked with delight when they saw me. I was happy to see them too. After I gave them their food, he drove around and parked and came in.
"Can I -- take you home -- later? What time do you get off?"
"I -- no! I work late tonight. I can get myself home. Thanks anyway." I said, my insides doing flip flops.
"Um -- this isn't for you. I'd like to talk to you -- about a couple things."
"Oh. Well -- sure -- okay. Aren't you living with - ?"
"No. I couldn't do that. I've spent -- um -- some time at his condo on the lake. But I couldn't -- well -- can we talk about it tonight?"
I felt a dread go through me as I said, "Um -- sure!"
He turned and ran out like he was being chased.
At 11:00, he was waiting for me. I felt a certain dread as I forced my legs to carry me to his Mustang. I got in and nearly collapsed in the hard seat. I was exhausted -- from driving myself -- to keep myself from -- thinking -- too much. Zach reached over to touch my hand. I jerked it back.
"Don't!" I said, causing him to jerk his back too. "I'm greasy and disgusting!" But that wasn't the real reason. I couldn't trust myself to let him touch me. Seeing him -- hearing him -- SMELLING him -- brought so many emotions -- and organic memories! My arms ached to reach over to him. If only it was just my arms!!
"What -- what did you want to talk about?"
Zach started to say something then stopped. His countenance clouded up. His lips started to quiver. He brought his hands to his face and rubbed his forehead with his fingers. "I - " he started in a high pitched voice, then he stopped again, obviously about to break down.
We were still sitting in the parking spot outside the entrance door to the Burger Palace. "Maybe we should drive somewhere else?" I said.
He nodded and started the car. He drove no further than a darker place in the shopping center parking lot. All the way he was hyperventilating. When we stopped again, he took air in and held his breath, straining to hold his emotions in.
"May as well let it out." I said, this time touching the hair on top of his arm.
"Why!? Why didn't you tell me?!" He blubbered.
"Tell you -- tell you what?" I was on the verge of joining him. It killed me to see him crying like this.
He again took a deep breath and held it. Then he said, "That -- that -- Morty is -- is -- is -- so -- shallow! I KNOW you KNEW!"
"That would have been pretty tacky of me. Would you have believed me?" I said. I relaxed a little, realizing this really WAS about him -- and not me.
After a moment he said, "I -- g-guess not."
"How was he shallow -- to you?"
"He lets his parents -- lead him around like he was on a string."
"Well, I'd call that more weakness than shallow. They used to hold his purse strings, but now they have so much influence at the University -- he's cowed by that."
"Then he let me go through the motions to accept his religion. He knew his parents still would object to me!"
"At least you're circumcised!" I muttered.
"What?"
"His father didn't like that I'm not." I said. "Wait a minute -- you said -- go through the motions ... ? What does that mean?"
"I didn't join. I didn't become a Jew. I never went through with it. I was going to! I thought that if - "
"Are you telling me that you were going to become a Jew -- to get Morty? What stopped you?"
"His parents still wouldn't accept it."
"You really don't get it, do you?"
"G-g-get what?"
"Mr. and Mrs. Rankowiscz saw right through you. You asked me about Morty's shallowness -- how about your own?"
"Huh?"
"You didn't believe in his religion. They could tell that."
He stopped and looked at me, then his demeanor changed. He was getting defensive. "It made more sense than that three-in-one mumbo-jumbo!"
"Tell me this?" I said. I waited for him to respond.
"What?"
"Do you believe in Jesus?"
"I -- um -- I -- guess." He said uncertainly.
"What do you believe about him?"
"Well, you know - "
"Actually I don't. What do you believe?"
"Well, that he -- um died for our sins -- for one."
"What else?"
"That he is the Savior -- MY savior."
"Zach - the Jews don't believe that!"
"I know that -- but - "
"You knew that, but you were going to -- what? Forsake your belief -- that you admit you still have -- for what?"
He gave me a blank stare.
"Did you do it for -- sex?"
"We -- didn't -- do much of -- that."
"Not `much'? What does that even mean?"
"Not -- well -- AS much as you and I did."
"Oh!" I said, surprised. "Well, thank God for that!"
"I thought you didn't believe in God."
"I believe in him. I even believe in Jesus. I just don't know much about them."
"Well, my parent's church says `THEY' are the same person. Also the Holy Ghost. ""It doesn't say that in the Bible anywhere!"
"So -- do you expect to find any religion -- that will exactly teach what you believe?"
"I dunno!" Said Zach defensively.
"I could never see much use for going to a church. But I have to admit -- that could be my ignorance talking."
Zach looked at me and cocked his head. "Are you sure you're only 18? You treat me like -- well, I look up to you like -- you're much older than I am."
"Well, getting back to the subject -- which, I'll have to say -- you avoided pretty well -- do you even see that you ... used Morty's religion to use Morty -- while he tried use his religion to use his parents? Did you get that?"
Zachs's expression told Josh that he was lost way back at, "Morty's religion".
"What doesn't matter -- or maybe what matters most - is -- the very fact that you didn't know what you were doing. I don't think this is what you wanted to talk to me about tonight, though -- was it?"
Zach shook his head and said, "I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about."
"Did you want to ask me how to deal with Morty?"
"No!" Said Zach emphatically. "I -- I -- already -- well, I THOUGHT I had already dealt with my Morty issues. I just wanted to talk to you about -- how you dealt with it. I broke it off with him last week, but - "
"You were going with him?"
"Not -- officially. But -- anyway -- I told him I didn't want to see him -- other than in class -- any more."
"How did he take that?"
"He didn't seem bothered by it much. I guess maybe that's why it bothered me so much!"
"Oh -- you wanted it to hurt him?" I asked, though I didn't believe that.
"No! But -- Dammit, Josh! I dunno what to think."
"I think -- and this is just me, maybe -- because of my own experience with him -- but maybe you just didn't like being -- used."
"THAT'S IT!! He exclaimed. "You hit it on the head! Oh, thank you ... THANK YOU!" He said as he pulled in front of my house. I felt like I had served my purpose. I reached for the door and started to pull the handle. "Josh?"
"Yeah?"
"Where're you going?"
"In the -- um -- well -- in my house -- I guess. I mean -- why?"
"I -- uhhhm -- was kinda -- uhhhm -- hoping that -- uhhhm -- maybe you and I -- I mean -- since we both are -- I mean -- we don't have anyone -- uhhhm -- else -- that is. -- oh SHIT! I've screwed that up haven't I?"
"I don't have any ides what you're talking about!" I said, though I knew EXACTLY what he was talking about.
"Yeah, I know! You have reason to be pissed. I mean - "
I stopped him -- with my mouth! His eyes grew round. A tear crept down one side. "I'm -- Sorry!" He croaked. "I didn't deserve that. And -- you -- you -- didn't deserve what I did to you. I don't know what else to say."
"Good. That's all you NEEDED to say."
"I mean -- you're only eighteen years old and I'm 20! I should know better1 I -- omigod! I used YOU -- didn't I?"
I wanted to kiss him some more -- just to shut him up, but I just leaned back in the Mustang's thin bucket seat and sighed. This Mustang has a rather impressive center console -- along with the large steering wheel, effectively barring the driver from getting to the passenger easily. He looked at me forlornly.
"You wanna come in the house?"
"Yes." He said. "But -- I can't. I mean -- it's too late to call my folks, and -- I - "
"Be right back!"
I ran up the walk and opened the front door. The General was sitting in front of the TV -- asleep. "I'm going over to Zach's, Pop!"
"Okay, Josh. Thanks for telling me -- and waking me up." He said. He got up and hugged me and kissed my cheek. I flew out the door, and to the Mustang.
"Wow -- you nearly floated out to the car! What was that about?"
"My dad. He's never kissed me before!"
"The General? He kissed you?"
"Yeah. He'll probably deny it if I ever ask him about it. He was half asleep." I giggled.
Zach's house was all dark when we pulled into the driveway. When we walked in the door, His mom got up from a chair in the living room. I guess she had the kid-watch this night. She said "G'night Zachary. Oh -- hi, Joshua! Night." She kissed his cheek and went down the hall.
The TV was still on, so we curled up on the couch. We didn't bother to change the station. It didn't matter what was on. As we sat together, just kind of letting out bodies get used to the idea of being close again -- Dania, his 5-year-old sister came in.
"Hi -- where's mommy?"
"She went to bed, sweetheart." Said Zach, tenderly.
She cocked her head and asked, "Are you gay?"
"Wha-at? Where did you -- learn about that word?"
"My teacher says sometimes boys like boys -- and girls like girls. And she said that's when they're gay."
"Did you tell mommy about that?" Said Zach.
"No." She said, and then equally as matter-of-factly, "I think I'm gay."
"Why?!!" Said Zach, trying to keep his cool.
"I HATE boys! I think everyone in my class is gay. All the boys play with only the boys and -- all the girls play with the girls."
"Don't worry, Baby." Zach told his sister. "That's the way all kids are at your age."
"I wasn't worried. So -- is that the way it is in your class too? Only the boys like you?"
"It's different when you get older, Dania." He said, getting up. He picked her up. "I'll be right back." He said. He took her down the hall to her room.
When he came back, I was asleep. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. "Sorry, Josh. I needed to wait until she was asleep again."
"It's okay." I followed him to his bedroom. We silently took off all our clothes and climbed in the sheets.
I got in first and he backed into me. I thought he'd want to kiss me -- but he didn't. I guess he was feeling about the same as I. We lay spooning for about 5 minutes before he said, "Fucking idiots!"
"I know."
"What business is it of a teacher to try to tell a five-year-old what it means to be gay? I'm not even sure that Dania knows what the real difference is between a boy and a girl -- yet!"
"I wonder if Dania said something about your -- boyfriend?" I said.
"We've never made an issue of it. You know that! I know the twins know! But they're nine years old -- almost ten now! They're barely out of the hate-girls-stage themselves!
I pulled him closer. "I think kids will be growing up in a different world than we did." I said. I nuzzled his neck. He shrugged his shoulders and turned around.
"I guess." He said, and finally -- he kissed me -- long and deep. "I -- just want to -- go to sleep -- tonight -- k?"
"Sure." I said. I wasn't expecting even that much! It felt good to have a warm body snuggled up with me. As long as he didn't mind my boner against his crack -- I could stand it. I let my hand caress his smooth chest. He kissed my finger tips.
"Night, Joshy!"
"Night -- Zacky!."
"Time to rise and shine -- oh - Josh!" Said Zach's dad, seeing me on the other side of Zach.
"Morning Tom. I said.
"Uh -- hah - Didn't see you there, Josh! You boys have something planned for today?"
"Nope! Looks like it rained last night." Said Zach.
"It's still sprinkling a little." Said Tom. "Don't you guys have finals next week?"
"Yeah?" Said Zach.
"I'd have been studying and cramming all weekend -- when I was in college."
"Yeah -- most still do that. But -- we don't."
"Well, I can't complain about your grades, Zach." Said Tom. "Zach has a solid 3.5 grade point average." Tom said to me.
"He knows, dad." Said Zach. "Josh has a 4.0!"
Tom came closer and grinned. He whispered, "No wonder you're gay! Who else can keep up with that?"
"You don't need to whisper, dad. Dania told me that her kindergarten teacher already taught them about gays." Said Zach.
"WHAT!!??" Said Tom. "Those fucking idiots!" Tom ranted, as the twins, Danny and David were running by the door. They stopped dead in their tracks.
"Dad!" They said in unison.
"Sorry, Boys. I was just -- um -- come in here!"
They edged their way into the room, not sure what to expect.
"What have they been teaching you -- at school -- about -- I mean -- um - " He decided to change his tack. "Um -- I mean -- do you know what it means to be -- gay?"
"What -- like Zach and Josh?" Said Danny
"Sure!" Said David. "It means that they like to suck each other's"
"DAVID!" Said Tom. "I didn't mean that! I meant only -- um -- where did you -- um -- learn such stuff?"
"At school."
"You mean your teachers told you that?!!"
"NOOoooo!" Said Danny. "I mean -- everyone KNOWS."
"Everyone knows -- what?"
"That Zach's gay." Said David.
"WHAT??!!" exclaimed Zach.
"They think it's cool that we have a gay brother!" Said Danny.
"It IS cool!" Said David.
"No one thought it was cool when I went to school!" Said Zach.
"So," Said Tom, not wanting to be way-laid, "You didn't learn this stuff from your -- teachers?"
"Fuck no!" Said David."
"DAVID! That'll be enough of - " Tom started to exclaim.
"You said it!" said both twins.
"I know -- and I shouldn't have." Said a chagrinned Tom. "So your teachers never -- um - "
"No!" Said the twins in unison.
"Well, Dania's teacher did."
"Ew!" Said David.
Danny chimed in, "I don't know what we'd do of Miz Cook ever started to tell us about - "
"Ew!" Repeated David. "Ew -- ew!"
"I agree!" said David.
"I guess we'll have to have a talk with the school." said Tom. "Well, anyway -- waffles and scrambled eggs in the kitchen in ten -- well, make that five minutes now!"
After breakfast, Zach asked if we could take the Saturn -- and the twins -- up to camp Sacramento -- and do some tubing down the snow. He wanted the Saturn because there were some very cool things that fit on the wheels that made them like studded wheels -- and they installed in only 2 minutes.
"They were pretty expensive when we bought them, but chains won't work on this car and -- they're pretty convenient." Said Tom.
"They ARE!" Said Zach, enthusiastically. "While everyone else is fumbling with chains for a half hour, we pull into the chain-up area and are out in 2 minutes - - tops"
"Cool!" I said not really understanding.
We only had one inner tube, so we took turns. Once while Zack and David were on the tube, Danny asked me, "Um -- my friend Jimmy is over there."
"Cool!" I said. "Uhm -- I was just wondering. Um -- Jimmy is with two of our -- I mean guys that he's -- I mean that we're -- um -- friends with -- you know?"
"Okaaaay?" I said.
"They asked if you and Zack would like to kiss each other -- so they could watch."
"Omigosh, Danny! I know you're only nine - "
"Almost ten!"
"But tell your friends to get a life!"
"Jawwwwwsh! Pleeeeeeease?"
"What?" Said Zach.
"Danny wants us to kiss so his friends can watch us!"
Zach leaned in and kissed my cheek. A shriek went up about 50 feet away. "That's all they wanted!" Said Zach.
"You shouldn't have done it! Danny, I TOLD you no!" Said David.
"Why?" Asked Danny.
"Because the next thing they'll want is to see them sucking each other off!"
Danny turned with an encouraged grin. "Forget it, Danny!" Said Zach.
"I'm tellin' yah," said David, "Give him an inch and he'll want all six!"
"Where did you hear that, David?!" asked Zach.
"One of the Junior Cougar guys."
Zach turned to me. "David plays Junior Football."
"Really? I played too!"
"You did?!!" Said both twins together.
"Don`t you play?" I asked Danny.
"Danny plays the skin flute!" Said David. Danny just grinned.
"You don't even know what that means, David!' Said Zach, "Do you?"
"Um -- well -- no."
"And what did you mean about giving an inch and taking six?"
"Um -- I dunno. Something about Danny wanting too much."
"That's what I thought. Maybe you shouldn't say things that you don't understand, David." Said Zach. "It could get you in trouble someday."
"What DOES it mean?" Asked Danny.
"Just never mind!" Said Zach.
"I'll ask Dad." Said David.
"No don't!" Said Zach. "I'll tell you -- but later! It's Danny's and Josh's turn on the tube now!"
Danny grinned up at me. We trudged up the hill and I sat on the inner tube and Danny on my lap. "We'll try something new this time, Danny."
"Kay."
I started us out spinning and we spun all the way down. I could have put my foot down and stopped it, but Danny was giggling so hard, I didn't have the heart to stop. Of course David wanted to do that too.
That seemed to get them off the subject -- for a while.
Zach dropped me off on the way home and then waited for me to get ready for work. "You didn't have to do this." I said, as I got back in his car.
"Wouldn't have been any fun if I HAD to do it!"
When he dropped me off, he said, "Can I pick you up?"
I looked in the back seat and the twins were asleep. "I'm not sure you want to do that, Zach. I don't know if I can ever give you what you need."
"I don't think that's so! And how do YOU know what I need?"
"I -- guess -- I don't."
"See you at 11:00!"
"Okay." I said. I leaned in and he kissed me deeply. "Only," I looked at his brothers, "Only tonight let's stay at my house."
"Okay. Bye."
He was there waiting at 11:00, as always, and took me home. We quietly went in and Mom and the General said g'night and went to bed. We went to my room. I turned out the light and we kissed, then spooned to sleep.
I dreamed that something was trying to get me. I knew it was a dream. I could feel that I was lying in my bed and it would have been spookier if Zach were not there with me. But I knew he WAS there. But there just seemed to be something creeping up on me -- or something.
"Josh." A whisper.
"Yeah, I hear it too. I thought it was my dream." I said.
"What? What do you hear?"
Then I noticed -- the whisper was coming from in front of me -- not behind -- where Zach was. I opened my eyes and a face was about ½ inch from my own. "AH!" I screamed.
"Shhhh! It's just me!"
"James you scared the hell outa me!" I said, realizing who it was.
"You've never done THAT before. Scary dream?"
"Hi James!" Said Zach.
"Oh! You've got company. Sorry." Said James, obviously disappointed. I doubt if Zach noticed, though.
"Did you need to talk?" I asked.
"Or something?" Said Zach.
"Yeah -- that!"
"Huh?" I said.
"He wants the `or something' option." Said Zach. Zach opened the covers and James slid back into me. As soon as he was comfortable -- and my boner found a place to expand -- he let out a gasp and a sigh and we all went back to sleep.
Notes: Sometimes boys -- even older boys -- just need the "something option". Comments are welcome to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve