Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Joshua Alan Black II
Barbie Warfield -- my mother
Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather
Alva Benson -- my Gram (Grandma)
Iver Benson -- my Pop (Grandpa)
Richard -- My favorite Cousin
Ray and Raul -- Richards' older brothers.
Nate Willows -- My first roomie.
Rudy Chanbers -- Friend across the hall.
James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer
Morty Rankowiscz -- college friend
Zach Taylor -- new friend
Tom Clancy -- Zack's dad.
Jane Clancy -- Zach'z mom.
Dania, Darcy, Deanna, Danny and David -- Zach's Sibs
From Chapter 17:
"Hey Rich,
"I want to be there Christmas morning. I have a specific reason for this -- involving Dennis. I want to say that I look forward to meeting Bunny.
"So, anyway, can you make our reservations for either late Christmas Eve or very early Christmas day? Thanks.
Your Cousin and number one fan!
Love, Josh.
Chapter 18
"Are you sure you want me to come? I know that you want to spend time with your cousin. I'll feel like odd man out."
"I know it's selfish of me, Zach, but -- I just want you there because I -- I -- dunno -- I am afraid I'll feel -- very lonely without you."
How can I tell him that I'm afraid of the feelings I have for Richard? I don't want to do something to screw up my relationship with Zach and -- I don't want to tempt Richard to do something to screw up HIS relationship -- with his fiancée. I hate this! It's like I am afraid I can't trust myself! But -- even Seth told me that he used to not even see clients that he might be attracted to -- unless Luke was within view. I guess that tells me that he trusts himself with me! How silly of me to fantasize about Seth!
"Can I come -- like -- maybe -- the day after Christmas? You know it would make my parents sad -- and maybe even more -- my little sisters and the twins. That'd give you some time alone with him -- and also let you confront your step father. Um -- do you need me there -- for that?"
"No. I think I can handle that. Well, maybe it's only fair that you would come after Christmas. It's only one night!"
"One night?" He said.
"I mean -- day! One day -- that I'll be without you." I stammered.
"Good. I think you can stand it one day! I'll give you something good to remember me by before you leave!"
"How about now?" I asked.
"What -- about -- now?"
"You're a little slow tonight!" I said.
"If you're referring to something good -- now -- well, - duh! That was understood -- wasn't it?" He giggled. We were in my bedroom, with the door locked, but we were not alone in the house. We got in 69 position and in record time were swallowing each others boners and then -- the juice that was spewed out of them.
That made us both sleepy. We kissed deeply and I held him close until his breathing got slow and even. Then I turned and backed in to him, and fell asleep too.
This -- or a mutual wank was our usual routine, whether at my house or his, because we didn't have much time alone. Sometimes we would be happy just kissing, cuddling and spooning to sleep. The warmth of his smooth body was always so nice!
"You are so talented in your writing ability." He said to me. "I wish I could just think and write -- off the top -- like you do."
"It's not quite that easy!" I countered.
"Yeah, but still, I've seen you plenty of times, just sit down and start typing. Is your new professor any good?"
"Well, in the first place, she has been at the Uni for 25 years. She's not new. YOUR teacher is new!"
"Well, I know that! But Morty also seems to know so much -- almost as if he always knew it. His writing is pretty creative."
"You've read some of his stuff? Does he use it in his lectures of something?"
"Oh no! He's shown it to when he has helped me."
"He's -- helped -- you? When -- I mean -- um -- yeah -- when?"
"Oh, several times after class -- and once I went to his office."
"He has an office?" I didn't even know that!
"Well he shares it with some others, but while we are there no one bothers us."
"I see."
"You and Morty are so much alike!" said Zach.
"Oh?"
"Yup! I don't know why you -- well -- never mind."
This one I believe I will let stand as it is.
"So -- in essence, you've been getting some private tutoring from the prof?"
"Uh-huh. I can see why you liked him."
"Well, but today was our last day before Christmas break. So you won't be tutoring with him for a couple weeks."
"Um -- yeah! That's right!" He said quickly, then, "Uhhhm -- SO -- when are you quitting your job?"
"Oh -- well, as it turns out -- I don't have to. Wanda talked to the owner and told him that I have a difficult family thing to attend to in California."
"And he bought that?"
"Well -- it's true."
"Huh? Oh! You mean your -- um -- step father! Oh yeah, I -- that's right!
"Why did you think I was going?"
"I thought you were going to -- um -- see your cousin -- I mean - "
"It's to meet his fiancée -- remember?"
"Oh -- yeah -- um -- he really isn't your cousin -- isn't that what you told me?" Asked Zach.
"Well, yeah -- technically that's so. He's my step-father's brother's son."
Christmas week went fast. I worked every day -- and one evening. I had that day off and so did Zach. His parents took the kids to a children's Christmas fair on Christmas Eve day, so that left Zach and me alone. As soon as their old van left the driveway, I was all over him. I knew that we would only be separated for a day, but I wanted to give him something to remember me.
We were wrangling around on the bed. (he always locks the door -- even if no one's home. "I can't ever be sure when they might come back for some reason!") I was tickling and tonguing his boner, and then his nuts and perineum. He loved that. I'd done that before, but it was still pretty new to him. I played with his rosebud, and that drove him up the wall.
"Geez, Josh!" He giggled. "You weren't kidding about making me remember you! That's -- awesome!"
"I know. I think it's time for a little more."
"I'm in!" He said.
I spit on my finger and ran it around and around his anus, then very easily popped it in.
"Gah! What the hell are you doing?!!" He exclaimed.
"Relax, Zacky, you're gonna like it."
"You're sticking your finger up my ass and -- then you tell me I'm gonna like it? I DON'T like it!" He said, but didn't try to get away. I left the finger in and said, "I promise you -- you're going to like this."
"Josh -- I'm not ready to -- to -- let you put your monster bone in me. I'm not sure I can ever - "
"That's not my intention, Zach. Just relax. Do you trust me?"
"I -- uh -- well -- yes, but - "
"Then relax." I said. I decided a little diversion was in order. I clamped onto his dick with my lips and tongued the head. His intake of breath, and squirt of pre let me know he liked that. At the same time his anal sphincter tightened up, and I bobbed a few times. He let out a high pitched moan. He relaxed his anus and I pushed further up, while distracting him by sucking harder.
He rewarded me with another spurt and another moan, and then I found his prostate.
"AAAIIIEEee! Omigosh! What -- what -- what was that?" he shrieked in a voice that sounded more like a girl than a boy!
I couldn't answer with his boner down my throat. I just bobbed fasted and drubbed his prostate in rhythm.
"Oh -- my -- um -- I gotta -- um -- I'm CUMMMMMING!" He screamed. He started to hump my face.
As he pumped volley after volley into my mouth and throat, I rammed my finger in and out as fast as he was humping me, each time, stroking his prostate.
When he was finished thrusting, he fell back and started to blubber like a baby.
"Zach -- Zach! Are you okay?"
After a few moments he was able to talk, and he said -- "Oh Josh! I wasn't ready -- I mean -- I don't know if -- oh my gosh! I've never -- I mean -- the intense -- um -- you know? I mean -- it was -- um -- awesome! But - "
"Oh, Zacky -- Was it too much for you? I didn't mean to -- are you okay?"
He took a deep breath and said, "Um -- yeah. It's -- um -- fine. I just -- no -- I mean -- it's okay -- it's fine!"
"I'm sorry, Zach -- I didn't mean to -- um -- I mean - "
"It's okay -- really! That's not the prob -- no! I mean -- it's -- never mind." He said, haltingly.
"Zach -- if I went too far -- tell me -- I mean -- I'm sorry, but - "
"No! I told you it's okay! I just wasn't -- um -- prepared -- or -- it's okay!"
"Well, obviously it's not! I just - "
"Josh! Look! Can we just -- oh!"
I heard it too. A car coming in the driveway. He peeked through the bottom of his shade. "They're back!" he said, still breathless. He sprang from the bed and we both threw on our clothes. The TV was on in the living room and we flew out and plopped down I expected him to sit next to me, but he took the chair next to the couch.
We were both tense as we waited the few moments until we heard the back door open. The kids came running in and the little girls attacked both of us. The Twins sat on either side of me. As I was fending off Dania, nine-year-old David said, "You got some snot or somethin' on your cheek, Joshua." I wanted to crawl in a hole. I wiped off the "snot".
Then Tom and Jane came in. "Did you boys enjoy yourselves?" Said Jane. We both nodded noncommittally.
"Did you know your shirt's on inside out, Zach?" Said his dad. "Oh -- and do you have something in your eye?" He added seeing that Zach's eyes were wet. Zach rubbed them.
"Yeah -- I think I got it." He said, looking at his hand. He shook off his imaginary mote.
Zach picked me up after work. We closed early, and that got me home in time for Christmas Eve supper. Zach stayed with us for that event, then I packed and went home with him, so he could take me to the airport very early in the morning.
He seemed distant as he kissed me good bye. I guess I had too much time to think on the plane, because it seemed like he seemed distant since the afternoon before.
When I arrived in the Sacramento Airport, I came down to the luggage area and Richard was standing at the bottom of the escalator with a wide grin. In front of him was a very preppy looking girl, with designer everything -- from shoes to purse to teeth. Even her teeth must have been enhanced. They looked brand new and were gleaming white. I wondered if it hurt her to smile, because that's what it looked like.
Richard again grabbed me, picked me up and whirled me around. I couldn't help that my knee was buried in his crotch, but he didn't seem to notice. When he put me down, He said, "Bunny, this is my Joshua! I mean, My COUSIN Joshua!"
She offered her hand. "So verrry nah-eece to meet you, JAhhshooa!" She nasally drawled out all her vowels like so often they do up east -- especially if they come from "rich stock" (Think Kennedy). I thought to myself -- and felt somewhat unkind and guilty about it -- how sweet a southern drawl sounds and how utterly repulsive that northeast drawl is. ("I'd rather hear a choir singing flat!" - Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady")
I said, "Hey."
Richard and I talked animatedly all the way until we approached the house. I froze up. I got the creepiest feeling as we drove in the gates of the Warfield Estate. This place holds such painful and just plain bad feelings for me!
As we entered the house -- Christmas morning -- Missy Warfield (Dennis's mother) gave me a vacant look. Then she saw Richard. "Richard! Dear! I was afraid you would not come!" She said, with the smile of a simpleton..
"I told you last night I'd be here, Gram!"
"And who is this handsome boy and girl you have with you?"
"Gram, you met Bunny yesterday -- remember? She and I will be married next spring."
"Oh. I guess I am getting old, Dear. I can't seem to even remember the way to the bathroom sometimes. And this boy -- who looks like a movie star? Who is this -- oh yes! You were -- but no! This can't be -- I thought you were bringing that horrid boy here. I'm so glad you didn't! He was always - "
Seeing the horrified look on my face, Richard said, "Well, Gram, Merry Christmas! Where is my father?"
"He's -- in -- the -- study -- I think. With your uncle Dennis.
I froze again. I knew I had to confront him, but that didn't make it any easier. As we walked to the study, I whispered, "Did Dennis know I'd be here?"
"No -- unless Gram told him -- and that's not likely." At Bunny's querulous look, Richard said, "Why don't you go see what mum's up to, Bunny. You won't be interested in the man talk, anyway."
"You KNOW that I will, Richikins! I always like to see you and your father talk."
Richard took her elbow and said, "Not this time, Bunny. We have some family matters to discuss."
She pouted as he left her standing at the big study door, pushed me in and closed it behind us.
Richard's father and Dennis were sitting on a couch, in a deep conversation, with a ¾ empty bottle of cognac on the table in front of them when the door closed solidly. They looked over. "Hello, Son." Said my Uncle Barry to Richard. There was only one glass -- in Dennis's hand.
"Dad -- Uncle Den."
"So, this is him, huh?" Said Uncle Barry, with no more warmth than I remembered from years before, looking me up and down.
"This is -- him?" Said Dennis, looking confused -- like maybe he should have been in on something that he wasn't. He sloppily poured some more cognac into his glass.
It was obvious that Dennis didn't recognize me. When I was 14 -- the last time he saw me -- the last time he fucked me -- My hair was always in my face. Now it was cut close to my head. And I was maybe 3 -- 4 inches taller. I actually saw lust in his eyes.
"You're pathetic, Brother! You don't even recognize your own step son?"
That put Dennis on the defensive. He looked into my eyes, and when recognition dawned, he involuntarily took a step back. Then he said, "Well! I guess you can take the scum out of the pond -- but it still remains pond scum!" I could now recognize the look in his eyes -- from years earlier -- Dennis was drunk.
"Dennis! Behave!"
"You're not the boss of me!" Said Dennis. "This little asshole has given me nothing but fuckin' grief!"
I unfroze. My tongue was loosed! "You pathetic piece of garbage!" I said. "I'm sorry! Have I been haunting your dreams? The only good thing you ever did for me was to send me away and ... you found Seth Gary! He has helped me climb out of the hole that you threw me down - "
"What? You little ungrateful - "
"Dennis! You're drunk! And Joshua -- you're not! Both of you! Just remember -- this is Christmas day and this is MY house. I will NOT have you acting this way."
"I'm sorry, Uncle Barry. You're right. I - "
"I'll not be assaulted by this worthless piece of - " Dennis started.
"I said, SHUT UP, brother!" Said Uncle Barry. Dennis took a deep swig from his cognac snifter.
"Oh, yeah! It's easy for you to come to this scum's aid, isn't it big brother!" Dennis slurred. Father always treated you with respect. He never - "
"Dennis -- do I have to bodily remove you from the house?" Said my uncle.
"You won't have to, Barry! I won't stay in the same house -- with this filthy ingrate of a stepson!"
I felt like the veins in my face were about to burst. I wanted to kill him. But my respect for my uncle -- however unwarranted that might have been -- it was still his home ... and as he pointed out, it WAS Christmas day. I would have been content to wait until later. I was somewhat worried that he would leave and then I'd have to follow him out immediately. I WAS going to have my say with him!
My cousin stepped forward -- to Dennis. "My cousin would not have been so messed up -- or so ungrateful -- UNCLE -- if you had treated him like a son!"
"A son? He was the bastard son of that pathetic woman that - "
That was all I could stand. I stepped forward and backhanded his face, leaving his nose bleeding.
"Why you!" He said. Brother! Why are you standing there? Are you going to let him - "
"Both of you -- OUT! Out of my house!" Said Uncle Barry.
"NO, DAD!" said Richard. "Dennis had that coming -- and a lot more."
"I had to pay through the nose for that little bastard's shrink!" Said Dennis.
Seth never told me that -- but it gave a new meaning to instant gratification!
"He wouldn't have needed a psychologist if you had not fucked the lights out of him since he was eight years old!" Said Richard.
"What are you - " started my Uncle Barry. He looked from face to face -- as if he should have known something.
Dennis looked at Richard with cold venom, and delivered the next blow. "Yeah, you always missed me after that, didn't you, Pussy boy!" he said directly to Richard. "You've always hated me since I stopped screwing you and gave it to the bastard!"
There was stunned silence in the room. Uncle Barry's mouth was agape, but no more so than Richard's. Uncle Barry's face grew from surprise to disgust to fear and then rage. "You -- you -- WHAT!!??"
Dennis was feeling his cognac to the max by now. "Oho! No you wouldn't have known, would you brother?! Hahaha! I used to fuck the lights outa all your boys, BROTHER. And -- they loved it and came back for more!" He looked at Richard. "Isn't that right, pussy!?"
Richard looked supremely ashamed to have his father hear that. "You were doing my little brothers too? Well, of course you were! After Josh and I left, who else was there left? How could I have missed that?"
Now it was Richard who stepped over to Dennis and laid the skin on his chin out and open with a left cross.
"Richard -- he's drunk." Said Uncle Barry sadly.
Dennis was splayed out, bleeding on the leather couch, looking fearfully at both Richard and me. Richard took a deep breath and said, slowly and quietly, "Did you tell my brothers how much you loved them when you were fu - " Richard looked at his father. " - violating them -- like you did me, Uncle Dennis?" Did you tell them that they were your favorite -- like you did to me?"
Richard, tears rolling down his face, spun around and almost ran to the high book shelf. He was ashamed to have his father see him cry.
"Is this true, Dennis?" Asked my uncle Barry of his brother, but knowing that it obviously was. Dennis didn't answer. Uncle Barry extended his hand to help his brother up. When Dennis flinched, Uncle Barry grabbed his hand and jerked him up, then looking him in the face, said, coldly. "You will get out of this house -- and never return to it." Dennis looked at him as if unbelieving. "And it had better be quick, before I decide that I should shoot you!"
Uncle Barry pushed a stumbling Dennis through the living room, where Uncle Barry's family were, and in sight of the kitchen, where Gram, Bunny and My aunt were, pushed him to the door and opened it and gently pushed him out.
Gram looked confused. "Who was that Bleeding man? She asked almost vacantly. "Should we have invited him to Christmas dinner?"
She didn't recognize her youngest son, with his nose bleeding and his chin split open. "Don't be concerned, Gram." Said Richard. "It was just a drunk who stumbled in."
"He won't ever be back, Mum." Said Uncle Barry "Ever!"
My Aunt Ethyl and Bunny -- and both the other boys that Dennis had been doing -- all knew who it was. Whether or not the younger boys knew anything else was a toss up, but I don't think my aunt or Bunny had a clue. I wondered who was going to tell them. I was glad it was not me.
"Dennis won't be here for Christmas dinner, Ethyl." Said Barry.
"Oh -- that's too bad!" Said Gram. "Is he ill?"
"Yes, Mum. He's ill." Said Uncle Barry.
"And -- that horrid boy? He won't be here either?"
I barely had time to feel a reaction to that, when we heard a loud crash. We all ran outside. Dennis's classic, red 1965 Corvette was smashed beyond recognition on one of the massive posts at the entry to the driveway.
"Oh good heavens!" Said my Uncle. He started to run to the car, followed by the whole family. Uncle Barry Stopped.
"Everyone go back to the house! Ethyl, call 911! Richard ... and Joshua -- come with me!"
"Dad!" Said the two younger teen boys.
"I said, go back to the house!" Said their father with final authority.
Uncle Barry, Richard and I ran down the almost ¼ mile long driveway to the smashed car. The blood was not distinguishable from the red of the car. Dennis's head was hung at a very unnatural angle over the broken steering wheel, which was embedded in the padded dashboard. The steering column was embedded in Dennis's chest. His face looked unmarred -- except for a bloody nose and a spilt open chin -- and of course a very surprised look.
The emergency vehicles arrived and Dennis was pronounced dead in the ER. While we were waiting in the ER for the doctor to make his pronouncement, there was a call from home.
"Oh my God!" Said Uncle Barry.
"What?" Said Richard.
"One of your brothers told your Gram who is was that was in the car."
"And ... ?"
"She just had a heart attack -- and she's -- gone too."
"You mean -- Gram's dead?" Said Richard.
"I -- guess -- yes -- that's what your mother told me."
Richard's eyed filled with tears. He loved his Gram. She was always sweet to him and as far as I could tell -- favored him -- even over his brothers. I felt some sadness, but not for the same reasons. I felt sad for the humanity of the whole ordeal. I felt a loss because I wished I COULD have felt bad about -- either of them. I felt guilty that I could not get myself to cry -- or even feel a loss.
Bunny didn't even seem to try to console Richard. She made her condolences and said she should really get back home. It was time for me to go too, but Richard begged me to stay for the funeral. I made the calls necessary and cleared the time from work. The funeral would be over by the time I had to be back to school.
That first night I felt lonely in the room they had made up for me. It was in a wing of the house where the other children's rooms were. There were 4 bedrooms in that wing, each two joined by a bathroom. It was not late that Christmas night, when we got home from the hospital -- the second time. But no one felt much like celebrating.
I lay on my bed looking at the ceiling, thinking I'd like to call Seth, but it was already 9:00 PM and would be midnight in Vermont. As I was thus engrossed, I saw a figure darken the doorway coming from the bathroom.
"I can't sleep, Cuz! Can I lay here awhile with you?"
He started to sit on top of my covers, but I opened them and he climbed in. We lay -- side by side -- for a few moments, our elbows touching. "I'm sorry." Said Richard.
"Rich -- you don't - "
"I'm sorry -- I knew how badly Gram treated you. And I hated that. But -- Josh -- I loved her."
"I know that, Rich. You have nothing to - "
He threw his leg over me and lay his head on my shoulder and started to sob. It was more than I could take, and I started an empathy cry with him. About the time we stopped crying, and he turned back over so he was beside me again, there came two more figures in the dark. Ray, followed by Raul, Richard's brothers came to the bed.
"You weren't in your bed, Richie." Said Ray.
"Do you mind?" Said Rich to me.
I scooted to the far side of the bed, on my side, and Richard opened the blankets and sheet and moved back into me. His brothers came in and spooned themselves back into us. Ray was 16 and Raul was 13. My upper arm was over them all, my hand resting on Raul's hip. I could feel that Ray's arm closely hugged his little brother into his body. I suspected this wasn't the first time they spooned.
We all lay there, sniffing and sobbing for about an hour, until one by one, their breathing became more and more even.
"I envy you, Rich." I whispered.
"Yeah -- you missed out on this, didn't you?" He said. "My little brothers are the best! You got a bum deal!"
That's in the past." I said. It looks as if I have all of you now!"
"I guess so!" said Richard. "G'night Cuz"
"G'night Rich. I love you." I said.
"I know. I can tell!" he said, and he giggled and reached back and squeezed my obviously swollen boner that was pressing against his bum. "Love you too!"
Rich, Ryan and Raul took me to the airport. It didn't seem to bother Rich for his brothers to se him kiss my lips goodbye. It wasn't a passionate kiss -- just one that said that he loves me. The other boys hugged me close. Raul's eyes were wet as he waved to me going up the escalator to check in.
I reflected all the way "home" on the new "brothers" I had found. We all had so much in common -- and the most in common thing we had was ... Dennis.
When I got home, Zach acted distant -- as he did before I left. I asked what was wrong. "I dunno. What? Is something wrong?"
"It just seems like -- um -- we just don't seem to click like we did -- at first." I said. Zach - I really do -- like you!" I said. I even noticed it myself as I said it: I could get myself to say "love" as I had felt only a few weeks ago. I'm not really even sure he noticed.
"You what?!" I said, astounded. "I mean -- I don't care -- really I don't. What religion you choose is your decision, Zach. But it just seems -- so -- backward -- or something."
"It just makes more sense to me. The three-in-one stuff never made any sense at all. I've read the New Testament. Nowhere in there or the old testament -- does it say that the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are one person."
"Maybe something was lost. I dunno." I said. "Even if you want to become a Muslim I wouldn't care! I'm just saying -- you becoming a Jew -- that's strange to me. But -- I really don't care. I don't know what I'd become -- if I studied it. I'm just not that interested. I went with a couple guys that taught me some things -- even Morty! He showed me where David -- you know -- the dude that killed the Giant? Yeah -- him. He showed me -- um -- wait a minute." I stopped as a sudden realization came upon me -- and went through me like a cold knife.
"Zach -- does Morty have anything to do with you becoming a Jew?"
Zach tried to look away, but I gently pulled his face back and lifted his gaze to my own. "Zach -- you've been doing more than studying creative writing with him -- haven't you?"
He didn't say anything -- at least not with his voice. His expression said a lot! "What's going on -- between you and Morty?"
Tears filled his eyes. "I've been afraid to tell you, Josh. I didn't want to hurt you."
"Tell me what?"
"I've -- been -- um -- well -- I guess you'd have to call it -- dating him."
"This -- this started before I went to California, didn't it?"
He looked down at the ground. "Yes."
"OmiGOSH!" I said, for some unknown reason, I was smiling. "Now I know why the funny feelings I have had -- and the not so funny way you have been so distant. It's like -- a shoe dropped somewhere and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop." I wiped a tear from my cheek.
"I'm sorry, Josh! I didn't mean to -- hurt you -- again! You've been through -- well -- too much hurt already. I hate myself -- for -- doing it to you again. I do love you, but - "
"Yeah -- but -- as a friend. That's what you were going to say -- right?"
"Yes." He whispered.
I smiled again. "You know what?"
"What?" He asked.
"It's okay. I can take it! Seth told me this might happen! He even told me that you would probably -- hurt me. You know the funny thing? My whole act -- now -- I can't NOT do it. It's my subconscious's way of dealing with the situation. It's weird knowing that and still felling the same!" I laughed.
"There! Even the laugh." I said. "That is so totally NOT a normal response! I was hoping that telling Dennis -- you know, my step-father who continually raped me from the age of eight? - I was hoping that telling him what I thought -- and boy I DID -- and was convinced that his death would cut this out of my life -- but I guess that's wrong."
"Oh, Josh -- I just feel awful!"
"It's not your fault. Zach -- it's not your fault. It's definitely not my fault -- but it's not your fault. You could only get so close to me and you needed more. You needed something that I couldn't give you -- yet. Someday I will be able to give that to someone -- BY GOD I will!" I pounded my fist into the other palm. "But you needed more than I could give, Zacky. So did Morty. Well, he needed a lot more than that -- maybe more than YOU can give. But -- well -- good luck in that!"
"Josh! I don't -- can't -- I mean -- I want to do something to -- make it okay for you."
"Oh -- you have already. Zach -- you loved me enough to let me down gently. True, I had to drag it out of you, but -- it's okay. Thanks for the ride home from work. Um -- well -- thanks for what you have given to me -- and sorry I could not give you all of me." I said with tears. He was also in tears. I opened the car door and got out. "I'll always think of you -- um -- heh -- well maybe with some regret, but -- um -- I love you! Bye!"
He looked at me -- he watched me walk to my door, I looked back a few times, each time there were more tears on his face. I smiled and waved and went in the house.
I went to the chair in the corner of the room. I could see his old Mustang out there. He sat there for about five minutes. I was about to get up and go back out, when I saw him pull slowly away from the curb.
No one was home. I felt so alone. I wished I was in Zach's house and all his brothers and sisters were attacking me and tickling and scuffling with me. I imagined Zach's loving oversight as they abused me -- and loved me -- and how he loved that they all loved me too.
I sobbed -- once -- then stopped myself. Then I thought, "Oh what the heck -- I deserve this!"
I let all hell break out. I sobbed and sobbed and cried until my eyes ached and I didn't have any tears left. I had somehow made my way to the couch and was lying there, with my hands covering my eyes, my gut sore ... and sick -- and my head aching. I heard my dad's car drive back to the garage. I quickly gathered myself up and took myself to my bedroom and flopped down on my bed.
I looked at the clock. I guessed that they had been out for dinner some where. I didn't make any noise. A soft knock at the door. "Yeah?" I heard someone inside me say.
"Can I come in?" said the voice I knew was James.
"Yeah." My voice sounded more like an echo to me -- like it wasn't my voice at all.
James came in and closed the door. He knelt on the floor by my head. He placed his hand on my face. I felt that sometime my tears must have returned, because there was warm wetness between his hand and my cheek.
"You hurtin'?" Said James.
"Yeah." I admitted easily.
"Do you want to be alone?"
"No." I said.
He climbed over me and spooned me until I don't remember being awake any longer.
Notes: What will our broken boy do now? Can anyone ever totally overcome the stain -- the long term effects of rape? Is there even an answer to the question? Comments are welcome -- to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve