Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Joshua Alan Black II
Barbie Warfield -- my mother
Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather
Alva Benson -- my Gram (Grandma)
Iver Benson -- my Pop (Grandpa)
Richard -- My favorite Cousin
Ray and Raul -- Richards' older brothers.
Nate Willows -- My first roomie.
Rudy Chanbers -- Friend across the hall.
James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer
Morty Rankowiscz -- college friend
Zach Taylor -- new friend
Tom Clancy -- Zack's dad.
Jane Clancy -- Zach'z mom.
Dania, Darcy, Deanna, Danny and David -- Zach's Sibs
From Chapter 14:
"I guess -- Rod's -- dead." Said Zach.
"That's what I heard."
"What a jerk!"
"Yeah." I answered. "I'm surprised that he wasn't aiming for me!" I said.
"He probably didn't even know it was you!"
"Oh -- yeah -- you're probably right."
"Josh?"
"Yeah?" He didn't say anything. "You okay, Zach?"
"Yeah -- I was just wondering - "
I anticipated what he wanted. I carefully slipped in behind him and held him from the rear. He sighed long and soon was asleep.
Chapter 15
I woke up to whispering. "Tom -- come look at this!"
"Aww -- what a guy! I wonder why Zachary never mentioned Josh to us before?"
"They must be very -- good friends! That is so sweet!"
"Let's close the door. The kids won't understand this. Do you suppose that - "
As soon as the door was closed, I tried to disengage from Zach. "Ohhh" he moaned.
"Sorry." I said. "Are you okay?"
"My -- knee -- um -- will you get me one of those Vicodins?"
"Your parents saw us -- sleeping." I said, as I handed him a glass of water and a Vicodin.
"Crap! Did you close the door?"
"No. They did. They didn't want your brothers or sisters to get the wrong idea."
"Or the right idea! Geez!" He said. "But -- it did feel good. How do you know they saw it?"
"I woke up to their whispers." I explained to Zach what they said.
"And you pretended to be asleep? Good thinking. How were we laying?"
"I was spooned up behind you and my face was in your neck."
"SUE-WEET!"
"That's what your mom said."
"What?"
"She said it was so sweet that we were such good friends. I really don't think they thought anything about it."
"That'd be my patents."
"Naive?" I said
"No, Obviously they're smart enough to know that Danny and David would wonder. But they just never think the worst about anyone!"
"And do you think the worst would be -- if you were gay?"
"Um -- I dunno. They're pretty liberal - "
"You mean politically?" I asked.
"Oh, no. I mean with their love. They'd be concerned about me, I'm sure, but they'd still love me. Boy, they didn't like Rod, though!"
"I know."
"What? You know?"
"She called your soccer friends `ruffians'."
"Oh good grief! What else did she tell you?"
"Haha! Not all that much. She likes me!"
"She TOLD you that?!"
"Actually she said I was a `nice boy'."
"You are! And I think my dad would like to adopt you! As if he didn't have enough boys already!"
"How's that Vicodin working?" I asked.
"Pretty good. It's down to a dull throb. Are you ready to get up?"
"It's still dark out. What are your parents up so early for -- on Sunday morning?"
"They always make a deal out of Sunday breakfast. I wouldn't mind sleeping some more."
"Hah! Me neither! We didn't get home until almost three this morning."
"Okay -- um - " He reached back and pulled me closer. I assumed the same position we found comfortable earlier.
This time when we woke up -- in the same position -- I was looking directly into two deep blue, smiling eyes. Tom's shadowy beard left over from yesterday darkened his lower face in a way that made my tummy contract and something else further south too.
"I know we didn't get home till three last night, but it's time for breakfast. We were wondering if maybe Josh wanted to come to church with us."
"Aw, dad, my knee feels pretty sore."
"The doctor has you all set up with a special articulating knee brace. He said you should get used to not favoring it, son -- so it won't get stiff."
"Daddy!" Zach whined. "Just one day?"
(Oh I LIKE this boy!)
"They'll miss you in Sunday school. Well, come to the kitchen for breakfast anyway, guys."
We got dressed -- which was no picnic for Zach. He limped into the kitchen holding on to my shoulder.
"Zachy's got a boy-friend!" Sang his 9-year-old twin brothers.
"STOP, you two! Zach's knee is hurt. He just needs some support -- and Josh is nice enough to give it to him."
"He's not dressed for church!" Said one of his sisters, self righteously.
"He's not going to church this morning, Dania. He wants to stay off his knee for a day or so." Said Zach's mom.
"How come he slept with that other man last night?"
"Just leave them alone. And, Darcy -- you met Josh the other night. Do you remember?" Said Tom.
"How do YOU know they slept together?" challenged one of the twins. "Maybe Zach slept on the floor!"
"Where anyone slept is none of your business!" Said Mrs. Clancy.
The littlest girl -- maybe 5 years old, said, very authoritatively, "My teacher says that it's okay for men to sleep together!"
"Damned schools!" Said Tom. "What business have they got telling 5-year-olds that, anyway? We'll talk about this later! Please eat your breakfast."
"But - " said one of the twins.
"Later, I said. Let's have some silence while we eat, please. David -- please ask a blessing on the food." Tom was gentle enough, but he left no confusion that the subject was closed.
After David's blessing, everyone ate in pretty much silence. The littlest asked to be excused first then all the rest, - to finish getting dressed for church, leaving only me, Zach, and his parents at the table.
"Mom -- Dad -- We -- er, that is I -- have something to -- um -- discuss with you." Said Zach.
I was very afraid!
"Yes?" Said Tom.
Zach looked at me nervously. A cold chill went through me. Was he going to -- no! Not now!
"I -- er -- that is -- um -- Josh -- is -- gay!"
Both of Zach's parents blinked and his mom said, "Oh! Maybe THAT'S why he's nicer than those other boys."
I felt hot, cold and clammy all at once and my tummy felt sick and I felt like my throat was parched. But -- I tried to look as normal and unflustered as I could, staring down at my empty plate. Could the scarlet coloring on my face possibly give me away? I caught myself fidgeting and stopped. It seemed like a half hour passed before anyone else spoke.
"Zach -- we should discuss this -- maybe later -- when your friend is not here, but -- do you -- think -- that you are gay too?"
Zach nodded slowly.
"Son -- you know that we both love you. You know that Jesus loves you. We need to take the kids to church. We'll talk later. And Zach?"
"Yes?" Zach whispered.
"I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. We'll talk later today - okay?"
"Okay." Said Zach -- never taking his eyes off the table in front of him.
Tom came over and sat next to Zach. He put his fist under his chin and raised it to look into his eyes. "I love you, Son! Josh?"
"Yessir?" I said, snapping out of my unbelieving stupor.
"I don't know if -- um -- did Zach tell you he was going to -- tell us this -- this morning?"
I shrugged and shook my head quickly -- no.
"Please forgive Zack for -- um, I believe you call it -- `outing' you -- like that. That had to be uncomfortable for you as well. But thank you for being here. I know it made things easier for Zach. Okay?"
I looked into his deep blue and very kind eyes, and nodded. Even as embarrassed as I was, my body still reacted to this man's masculine aura.
"Well, we need to get ready for church. I need to shave this sandpaper off my face!"
NO! PLEASE DON'T SHAVE! I thought. Finally some sanity returned to me. I smiled.
"Will you be here when we return?" Asked his mother.
"I -- think -- so." I said. "If -- if it's okay with Zach."
"Take good care of my boy!" And she caressed my face with her hand -- then did the same to Zach.
After they all left for church, Zach said, "Well -- that could have gone better!"
I looked at him like he was a space alien. "Well, maybe, but -- I don't know how! You just told them that you are gay! Oh no, wait -- that came after you told them that I am gay! What did you expect -- for them to come over and hug you?"
"Actually -- yes. I was afraid they were going to hug you ... and NOT me!"
"Well, you are a very lucky -- and -- obviously -- a very LOVED son.
"Josh -- I'm sorry I did that to you. But the timing was -- perfect. If we had planned it -- would you have minded that I did that?"
"Probably not. I can't remember being quite that -- um -- embarrassed -- before. But -- you're right. That was a good moment to bring it up."
"I mean -- I'm sorry for telling them that you are gay -- even before - "
"Yeah, I get it, Zach. It's okay. It'll be better just as soon as I get these knots out of my stomach, but -- it'll be fine."
"I'm so sorry!"
"I'll clean up the kitchen, while you -- um -- heh -- watch me, I guess!" I quipped.
"I can help!"
"You just sit there. I work better alone -- well, in the kitchen at least."
"Okay, but first -- help me up. I want to at least hug you!"
"Didn't get enough last night?' I teased.
"You didn't hug me from the front last night!"
I helped him up and he nearly fell into my embrace. "Ow-ow!" he said, as he stumbled slightly on his knee. Then he pulled me in close, and lay his head on my shoulder, burying his face in my neck.
"Gosh that feels good!" He said. "And so does this!" He rubbed my stiffening meat. "Omigiosh! What do you have in there?"
"I have the same equipment as everyone else." I said.
"Naw -- this -- omigosh! It just keeps growing! When does it stop?"
"Well, when a guy -- like you -- is squeezing it like that, it seems to want to get to maximum status -- before stopping." I giggled.
"Can I see it?"
"Zach -- I don't think - "
He sat down again and opened my fly, and pulled down my white boxers, and then gawked for a full ten seconds.
"That's -- magnificent!"
"Well, um -- maybe that's a little too -- ah -- hee hee!" He was lightly tracing the shape with his fingers, up and over the top.
"Does this hurt?" He said, as looked up into my eyes while slowly and gently slipping the hood halfway down from the head. I half closed my eyes, obviously ecstatic at what he was doing while at the same time, he was watching my eyes and face for disapproval or --
"Ai-eee!" I whimpered, as his lightly stubbled chin rubbed the head by accident.
"Oh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he said, as he watched a dollop of pre ooze out of the still half exposed head. That mesmerized him for a moment.
"Do that again and you may get the real stuff!" I said.
"What's that smell?" He said. He sniffed it up close. "Omigosh, that's -- um -- almost intoxicating!"
He then swiped the head, getting the dollop on his finger tip. He put it on his tongue.
He tried to stand up and grimaced, then remembered. "Oh!" He dutifully pulled up my boxers and closed my fly. He grinned sheepishly. "Well, that probably wasn't what my parents would have liked for my Sunday school lesson, today." He made another grimace, smiled again and said, Well, let's get these dishes cleaned up!"
"I told you I'd do that!" "I know, but as my dad said, I don't want to get too stiff! -- at least not my leg!" He giggled, grabbing his own obvious boner.
I doubt he knew how horny he made me! Or -- maybe he did -- because he obviously felt that way too. But I didn't want to push him. He was 2 years older than I, but in this thing he was still a novice.
"Well, now at least I know!" He said seriously.
"What?"
"You know -- about me being -- I mean -- about my -- um -- sexuality."
His face was red as he turned and hobbled over to the sink, and started the hot water filling it. "Will you bring those dishes over?" He said over his shoulder.
I stacked some of the plates and dishes and carried them to the counter. He lowered them into the soapy water, turned off the water and turned around, facing me. His face was awash in tears.
"What am I gonna do, Josh?"
"I don't know -- um -- what - ?" I started.
"I -- don't WANT to be -- be - - um -- this way!" He cried.
"Pretty hard to say, isn't it?" I said. He again fell into my arms, and clutched to me desperately.
His arms around me were almost suffocating, he was squeezing so hard. I patted and rubbed his back, neck and the back of his head. "You really -- didn't know - ?" I didn't know what to say.
"I -- guess I -- probably -- um -- but -- no! I was so -- um - " He buried his face in my neck, and hyperventilated a moment.
"Um -- maybe we better sit down or something, I mean - " I said.
"No -- I want to get this mess cleaned up before -- before -= they come home, and -- my GOD! What am I gonna tell Mom and Dad?"
"I think you already told them." I offered.
"I mean -- I mean -- I wanted -- kids -- and -- oh, Josh! You can't even imagine how much I want kids of my own -- someday. How can I - "
"It's possible." I said.
"I mean I -- huh?"
He stopped and looked at me -- for some -- no ANY suggestion that what I said could be possible.
"Can you stand on your own?" I asked.
"Yes." He backed away.
I stepped to the side, and grabbed the dish drying cloth. I grabbed the one glass he had washed already and told him about Seth.
"My shrink lives in a compound in Vermont -- bunch of rich guys -- and there are three gay couples -- all close like brothers -- and they have a bunch of kids there. Seth -- my psychologist -- and his partner, Luke -- don't have any, but he says it's almost as if they do. Seth's brother lives next door, and he and his partner have one -- a boy, I think -- but there are two others -- and they all live with their houses in like -- a circle -- and they have 2 or 3 kids each."
"Have you been there?"
"No, but - "
"How do you - "
"I told Seth that I wanted kids. He told me about his brothers."
"What? They're all his brothers?"
"No, but -- one of them is, and another is their cousin. The other ones with kids -- are just good friends -- but they all consider each other like brothers."
"You -- um -- Seth -- he doesn't have - "
"No. He and his partner, Luke, decided they don't want any - yet. I can't imagine that, but that's their choice. But he says with so many nieces and nephews running around -- it's almost like having them anyway. They baby sit a lot!
"That must be weird, a whole community with no women."
"Oh, they have women! The guy who originally bought the property -- his parents are there, because they want to be near their grandbabies. And the children's mothers live there too."
"Nuh-uh!"
"That what Seth told me! The are two sisters from the Ukraine who had all these kids and their husbands were both killed in wars. At first they could not take care of their children so they put them in an orphanage -- with other kids like themselves.
But when the Smith clan -- that`s what Seth calls his family -- adopted these kids, they asked if the bio-moms wanted to come take care of their own children."
"Why did they do that?"
"They all believe that a child needs a mother in his life -- well, a mother AND a dad. Well, they have an abundance of dads!"
"Wait a minute! That -- that's what Moses did!"
"Huh?"
"I mean -- that's what happened to Moses! You know -- in the Bible!" Zach said, getting very animated.
"You mean like -- Moses -- like the Ten commandments Moses?" I asked.
"Yes! The Pharaoh made a law that all children of their captive Israelites would be cast into the river if they were males. The Israelites were getting too numerous. But Moses' mother, instead of just throwing Moses into the river, she made a little floating bed or something out of reeds, and she cast him in the river all right, and he floated right into where the Pharaoh's daughter was swimming. She saw the floating baby and wanted to keep it for her own.
"Moses sister was hiding, following the baby and she saw it. She told Pharaoh's daughter that she knew of a woman who had milk -- who was of course her mother. So, Moses' mother was taken into the palace to be Moses' wet nurse."
"Wet nurse?"
"Yeah -- she fed Moses her milk!"
"Oh! Wet nurse! Yeah!" I said.
"So -- that's what the Smith -- um -- clan -- did! Very kewl!" Said Zach.
"Well, anyway -- Seth told me about that, when I was having a stroke about not being able to have kids -- like you."
"Wow! And -- oh! You want kids too! Very cool!" He smiled a little too knowingly, and began washing the dishes again.
After the kitchen was all cleaned up, We went to the living room and Zach sat in a recliner chair, with a pillow propped under his leg. We were watching Fox News when his family came home. Two of the little girls saw him in the chair and ran to him. "Stop!" Hollered Tom. "Don't be jumping on Zacky right now. Remember -- his leg is hurt."
The little girls looked disappointed -- but no more so than Zach! They gave him a hug and kiss. Yes, he was going to be a good daddy some day!
After lunch, the little girls took a nap and tom sent the twins to their room to study -- but mostly to give us privacy.
"Do you mind staying, Josh?" Asked Tom. "I know it would make Zach feel easier about -- discussing this. I mean -- are YOU okay with it?"
I nodded. I assumed he was going to talk to his son about -- homosexuality. I was right.
When Mrs. Clancy came in from putting the little girls down, I got up. "Please sit, Josh!" She admonished, smiling.
"Okay -- um -- well!" started Tom. "Zach -- I hope it's okay -- we talked to Andy this morning and - "
"Andy is one of our pastors." Explained Mrs. Clancy. "We asked him because he seems to be more aligned with the youth."
"Yes -- and we told him that we have expected you to tell us this for a long time." Zach's eyes grew round and his mouth gaped open.
Mrs, Clancy said, "We didn't want to drive you away -- or toward anything -- so we decided to wait until you told us yourself."
"Omigosh!" Exclaimed Zach. "How long have you -- um -- known?"
"Oh -- at least since you were -- well, 15!"
"FIFTEEN?!! Jeez! You've known longer than I have!"
"We didn't want to say anything, because as you got older, you got better at -- um -- hiding it. We didn't want to bring anything into your life that maybe you had never considered." Said Tom.
"What -- what -- did Pastor Andy s-say?" Zach asked.
"He told us that he knew of programs -- to help boys struggling with this. He mentioned one -- Exodus -- but he told us -- he has never seen anyone really change from going there. But he said that it was not a bad way of -- learning to deal with the fact -- the reality, I guess. But he said depending on your state of mind -- he doesn't recommend it any more -- because sometimes it gives boys too much hope."
"T -- too much -- hope?"
"Andy seems to know a lot about it. Anyway,"
"Did Pastor Andy -- um -- did HE know -- about me?"
"He was surprised. He said he knew that you didn't date -- girls -- but that he just thought you were a late bloomer. He apologized -- something about stereotypes -- you being a soccer star and all. That would throw people off. It did us!" Said Zach's mom.
"We had almost forgotten our suspicions, but - when we saw you two in bed this morning -- well, at first, we just thought that Josh was a very good friend. It didn't occur that maybe -- but -- um -- are you two -- um -- boyfriends?"
Zach looked at me and turned scarlet. "No. Not -- um -- yet."
"Oh! Well -- okay then. Um -- you seemed very close --this morning."
"Mrs. Clancy," I started.
"Please -- call me Jane.
"Jane -- Tom -- Zach and I have not done -- ANYTHING. I mean - "
"Last night, my leg was hurting -- a lot -- and besides that, I was hurting inside -- and what was that word -- oh yeah -- struggling -- with -- um -- this. I asked Josh to hold me -- that's all."
"That was all we did." I averred.
"But -- you did say that -- you're gay - ?" Said Tom.
"Actually I said that." Said Zach. "And -- I shouldn't have."
"But, yes -- I am gay." I said, shrugging.
"Maybe it's good to have such a nice boy -- a little older -- to help you understand - " Zach looked at me and as nervous as he had been, he kind of almost smirked. "What?" Said Tom.
"Josh is 18."
"Oh. Well, the point is -- you don't have to face this alone, maybe. Do you practice safe sex, Josh?"
"Dad!"
"Maybe he doesn't practice sex at all, Tom!" Said Jane. "He's awfully young!"
I let that stand as it was. I saw no reason to tell them everything. If this made them all feel better -- so much the better.
"Dad? Mom? I think right now -- I need a hug for you -- both of you! This is SOOO not how I imagined this happening."
"What happening?"
"You being so understanding."
"Well, we've had longer to digest it than you -- apparently." Said Tom.
Tom helped his son up and they all did a group hug -- Tom, Jane and Zach.
"I guess I'm gonna have to talk to Pastor Andy." Said Zach.
"He said he will if you want. But only if you want."
"I have to. It'll be weird seeing him now -- knowing he knows, knowing he knows I know he -- well -- you get the idea."
"Andy said it would be better not make it a public thing -- at least not right away. There are people in the church who would not understand. Especially some of the older folks. But even some of the younger ones -- still have a long way to go in their learning to -- well -- love everyone."
"I understand. You guys are -- what can I say? The best!" Said Zach and he kissed each of their cheeks.
"Oh -- and -- Zach?" Said his dad. "Be a little careful around the twins. I know they've been sort of experimenting -- with each other -- a little. They're very curious."
"Good to know. Should I not wrestle with them any more?"
"No -- I wouldn't go that far. Just be aware."
"I will. I love you guys!"
After that, Zach and I were almost inseparable for awhile. We didn't consider ourselves together. We weren't really doing anything, except we did do some masturbating together -- which turned to masturbating each other one night. Of course for Zach, that was more than he'd ever done and so ...
We kept it low key at school. But there was one who noticed our budding friendship: Our Advanced English Composition professor! Only he could discern a look between us. I still was pretty hurt by his rejection. It was hard sometimes to see him up in the front of the class. His perfectly matching, round eyes, the way his curly black hair swirled down onto his forehead on the right side. I sometimes wondered if he did that to tease me. He knew I liked it!
One day after class, I went to the student center for a soft drink. He boldly came up and stood behind me, the "front of his pants" touching the back of my head.
"You've been very quiet in class."
"I don't have anything to say -- to you." I said, quietly. "Thanks for nor letting -- um -- anything get in the way of your grading, at least."
"I still want to see you."
I turned and stood, looked deeply into his eyes. "I think we were past "seeing" each other."
"I mean -- maybe you could -- um -- come over -- some night and -- um -- talk."
"I dunno -- maybe." I said, old feelings coming up.
"It hurts to see you flirting with that Taylor boy."
"What? Flirting?"
"With your new boyfriend."
"He's NOT my boyfriend!"
"Then why do you flirt -- with him -- all the time."
"We're only friends."
"Does he know that?"
"Why?"
"I've seen him watch you when you walk away. I know that look. I think he thinks it's more than what you think it is."
"I think YOU think it's more than either of US thinks it is!" I said.
"So -- you think you want to come over -- some night -- to see me?"
"I'll think about it." I said, and I got up and left.
I checked the class schedules. I couldn't just drop the class. That's an automatic F. I found one other teacher that taught that class -- on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
"Yes sir. I am having more and more trouble getting off work at the time of that class. I probably could continue in the Tuesday-Thursday class -- if that works."
"Are you sure it's not a problem you're having with Professor Rankowiscz? He's new and it could mean trouble for him." Said the class scheduling counselor.
"No. That's not it!" I emphasized.
"I'm just afraid that it might not be good -- to move this late in the semester. I am going to have to reject your request -- unless you wish to take it further in which case I will refer you to the assistant dean of the English department. But I pretty much know what she'll say ... and do. Somewhere you're going to have to learn that things aren't always fair. You're not in high school any more."
"Okay. Well, tell that to -- um -- never mind. Thanks anyway." I said.
"I probably can pull some strings, Josh. Which teacher did you want?" said the General.
One call from my dad was all it took.
"Josh! They're questioning my teaching methods -- the fact that someone had to go to such measures to get out of my class. They are wondering what I did to offend one of our star students! Why did you want out?"
"Why? You know very well why! You went and told Zach that you and I were in love!"
"Well, aren't we? I love you and I know that you love me!"
I couldn't deny that. "You had no right to do that. Now he doesn't want to even see me."
"I TOLD you that he was -- more infatuated with - "
"But you see -- that would be NONE OF YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS!" I yelled.
Everyone turned around. I looked around and Morty was cringing like I'd pulled a gun.
"Just stay away form me!" I yelled.
And I turned and walked out the exit of the student center. I ran into -- physically -- Zach.
"Did you break up again?"
"I told you Zach. We never were back together -- again."
"I saw the way you looked at him -- in class!"
"Yeah -- so? It takes time to lose those feelings, Zach; I had no idea that you felt the way you did. And by the way -- he saw the way I looked at you too!"
When I said that, his eyes got big and I thought he was going to cry, but Zach grabbed me clumsily and pulled me into a hug and kissed me deeply. I sprang back and looked around. We were alone in the hallway. I sprang back to him and kissed him back.
"Josh -- how could two guys do what we've done -- and not be in love?"
Here I go again!
"We haven't done anything, Zach!"
"Maybe you consider touching me in those places and hugging and cuddling with me -- nothing, but - "
"You're right. I was -- um -- well, I've got too much experience, I guess."
"So -- you DON'T love me." He said, folding his arms. But he looked hopeful.
"Zach -- um -- well, maybe not like you want me to -- yet."
"So -- you -- um -- COULD -- some day?"
"Walk outside with me, Zach."
We walked in silence until we got out into the yard. It was a suddenly cold autumn day, and neither of us had anything really warm on.
Shivering, I said, "Zach -- remember my friend -- er my shrink - Seth?"
"I know you've talked about him -- a lot."
"Did you ever wonder why I was seeing him?"
"Because you're gay?" He asked.
"No -- well not altogether. I'm freezing -- so are you. We better go somewhere."
"We could go to my house. But you have an 11 o'clock class!"
"I can miss it! Let's go!"
I followed him out to the parking lot. I didn't see the red van. He led me to an older Mustang. "Wow! Where did this come from?"
"It was my Grandpa's -- My Grandpa Taylor. I never met him. But he -- knew about me. He died and left it to me."
"Cool!"
"It's nice. Hop in."
I got in. The seat was hard and cold, and it felt like I was sitting on the floor. "What year is this?"
"1965. Dad says it's a classic."
"It looks perf -- wha -- does that say 35,000 miles?"
"That's all it has. But dad says cars back then only went about 50,000 before they started to have major problems. But he said that my grandpa must have taken good care of it -- changed the oil often and stuff. It runs pretty well."
We pulled up to his house. We went in. "Where is everyone?" I asked.
"Kids are all at school. As soon as Deedee started kindergarten, mom started to work in the school library."
"Oh."
"You were saying that -- about -- Seth?"
"Oh -- yeah, well, I was seeing him for reality therapy."
I let that sink in.
"You -- were -- having trouble with reality?"
"I've been hurt by a lot of people. Zach -- it's hard for me to trust people. And every time I do, they let me down -- or worse -- they hurt me."
"Omigosh, I'm so sorry."
"Well, Seth has helped me deal with the reality of it, but it still hurts when someone let's me down."
"I'm sorry, Josh. I won't let you down."
"And -- I want to believe you -- but -- it's just hard."
"I don't know what to do, Josh. I want you to trust me, but - "
"I just need more time -- maybe. I trusted Morty. I used to shut down when I got hurt. Now it just hurts."
"Shut down?"
"Yeah, well, the first one to hurt me -- was my step-father. He wasn't as nice as yours."
"What - what did he do? Oh! Maybe you don't want to - "
"No -- it's okay. He liked little boys. He started abusing me sexually -- when I was 8."
"Good God! What did he do?? Play with your - "
"Oh no! I only dreamed that he might do that! It was never about me. He told me he loved me -- while he was fucking me. I believed him."
"He -- omigod! You were only 8?"
"Yeah. He was the first of many to -- disappoint me."
"That's all you call it -- a disappointment?"
"That's what it seemed at the time. I know now that that really screwed with my mind. But I was always disappointed that when he left me -- he forgot how much he loved me. But believe me -- I lived for those times when he -- did me -- because he loved me while he did it."
"Didn't it hurt?"
"He wasn't very big -- but -- yes, it hurt like hell. But I just wanted to be loved."
"And now I've hurt you too! I'm so sorry. I didn't know. What can I do to - "
"Just give me time. I want to trust you. I know I have every reason to trust you. I just need time -- and - "
He pulled me in and kissed me again. Only this time there was no one around -- no possibility of anyone around. I kissed him back with so much passion! He returned it. He dragged me back to his bedroom.
(Okay, he was still in no condition to drag me ... I went willingly!)
When we got to his room, he closed and locked the door. Then he went to the bed and sat down. He looked up at me. "I want you to trust me. I don't know what to do to -- to -- make that happen. I pulled you in here to -- to -- I guess show you how much I -- um -- want you. But after what you said, I wonder if -- I mean -- maybe this isn't such a good idea."
"Zach -- that right there -- was a gift. It's more than anyone else has ever given me. Make no mistake -- I WANT to -- show you how I feel. But -- I'm afraid to let you get -- um -- well, maybe -- too close." I stopped to let him digest what I said. I wasn't even sure exactly the impact of it myself.
I went and sat next to him. "Zach -- the problem I may have -- or rather maybe that YOU may have is -- What we have done -- so far -- is -- well, I'm sorry, but -- even though to you it is more than you've ever experienced with another guy - "
"Girl or guy!"
"Yes. Well, what I was going to say -- and please don't take this wrong -- but -- what we have done -- to me -- is -- well -- more like just having some fun with a buddy. Maybe you see touching each other as an act of love. I see it as simply messing around. I just don't want you to take what we do so seriously -- maybe. Do you understand that?"
"Wow -- that kind of hurts." He said.
"Oh I didn't mean that to sound so -- um - " I paused a moment. "Look: I HAVE come to care about you."
"No, it's okay -- I mean -- um -- okay - - Yes! I understand what you said. But I just want YOU to know that I have -- um -- feelings too. And -- I'll try to -- um -- not take what we do as -- well -- so seriously." Zach said. I opened my mouth to say something, but he continued, "Um - " He turned and took both my hands in his. "Can you tell me -- at what point that you will feel that we have gone -- um -- far enough -- that I CAN take it more seriously?"
I looked at him for a moment. His eyes weren't so round and not as intense -- as Morty's, but they were very sincere. I looked at our hands, then back into his eyes. "Okay -- you seem to be -- um -- calling my bluff. No, I don't mean that! Um -- maybe that's where you will have to be more patient with me. I'm -- um -- scared. And maybe that will freak you out -- or something -- but Seth taught me to be honest with myself. And the feeling I am feeling now is -- fear."
"Fear?" he parroted back. "Of what? Are you afraid I will hurt you -- again? Oh, I don't blame you! I -- really -- had no idea I was hurting you before -- when I walked away. I thought it was you hurting me. Well -- I WAS hurt! But -- I guess maybe -- maybe -- I misinterpreted what was happening."
I then told him, as I had Morty, my whole theory about how sex makes a guy think he's in love. Even just me touching Zach -- made him think he was in love -- etc.
"I think you have that right! Now that you have told me that -- I can see that -- the feelings I have -- for you -- aren't nearly as -- um- intense or something -- as I had when -- when -- we were touching each other like that. I guess what I am saying is I got reminded of those feelings -- when I saw you -- and wanted them again. It's like I have been going without them for twenty years! And now that I have experienced them -- I want more!"
"Yes, and I have gotten maybe a little too callous about them." I said. "I feel them alright -- when it's happening, but -- I turn something off -- so I won't get hurt."
"Does someone ALWAYS have to get hurt? I mean guys our age -- well, most of them are not ready to -- settle down -- yet. But does someone always have to get hurt -- when the relationship -- stops?"
Zach hit a nerve. I was still looking into his eyes, but -- I stopped seeing him for a few moments. "Wow!" I finally said. "You're right!"
"I'm right? I was asking a question!"
"Oh -- no! I mean -- sorry! I guess I was -- um -- talking to myself -- kind of. Yes! Someone always has to get hurt. Because when two people break up -- it's hardly ever mutual. One wants to break up -- the other doesn't!"
"And when you and Professor Rankowiscz broke up -- it was you that didn't want to -- right?"
"You know -- um -- let's not talk about - Professor Rankowiscz."
"I'm sorry -- you even said it still hurts. I'm SORRY! I just seem to know how to fu -- mess things up!"
"No Zach -- you just don't get it at all!" Zach gave me a hurt puppy look. "Wait -- just wait! I didn't mean that like it sounded. Neither Morty or I wanted to break up. But he's a weakling. He let his parents -- and his job -- break us up! He shouldn't even be teaching at the university. The only reason he is -- is because his parents are so respected there."
"But he's a good teacher." Said Zach.
"I know, but by rights, he should be a good teacher somewhere else. And he let this job -- get in the way of our relationship."
"Oh." Zach said, still sounding defeated.
"But you're right. It still DOES hurt to talk about him."
Zach turned back sitting straight on the bed, looking away from me. He flopped back on his back and said -- to the ceiling, "I don't know -- what to do."
I rolled over -- on top of him. "Do you want to -- try to -- take up where we left off? With no promises -- except that I WANT to trust you -- and I WANT you to trust me. Can you do that much?"
He looked away, and his eyes glistened. I rolled over to where he was staring. "Zach? I'm NOT getting back with Morty -- even if he -- well, he DOES want to. But -- it will never work. I see that, and as much as it hurts -- I won't be getting back with him. THAT I can promise you. Will you help me get over the hurt?"
A sudden flash of -- something -- came into his eyes. "That's it!" he said. It came so suddenly I couldn't help smiling. "Really! What you said makes so much sense. When a person gets hurt -- he will probably remain hurt -- until someone else comes and takes the hurt away."
"Wha --at?" I said, but I half got it already.
Zack now climbed on top of me. He looked down at me and said, "You are a genius!"
"I didn't come up wit it -- you did!"
"Okay, I accept! I accept your Nobel LOVE Prize! Haha!" He then kissed me and ground his pelvis into my own. "I'm ready!"
"You're -- um -- ready?"
"Yeah! I want you to -- take me to -- wherever it is -- that you think is more meaningful -- to you -- to show you that I -- care for you -- and that you -- um -- care for me -- that much."
"That much?"
"You know -- as much as it takes!"
His smile was wide and infectious. He kissed me deeply and I kissed him back. "You're getting pretty good at that!"
"Yeah -- now teach me some more! Teach me it all!" he laughed.
"How about we just start with one thing at time?"
"Yeah! That'd be great!" He said as he removed his shirt -- and then my own. We kissed again and rolled over again with me on top. I got up and took my clothes off. He lay there and gave me the go ahead -- with his eyes. I stripped him and our bodies melded together, as we kissed and caressed each other all over.
Notes: Comments are welcome! Solicited even! To Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve