Growing Up Joshua

Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY!

Cast of characters:

Joshua Alan Black II

Barbie Warfield -- my mother

Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather

Wilma Warfield -- Dennis's mother ("Missy" to me)

Francis Warfield -- Dennis's father -- ("Sir" to me.)

Alva Benson -- my Gram (Grandma)

Iver Benson -- my Pop (Grandpa)

Richard -- My favorite Cousin

Ray and Raul -- Richards' older brothers.

Nate Willows -- My first roomie.

Rudy Chanbers -- Friend across the hall.

Randy "Rascal" Ringstrom. Tutor

Wayne "Bulge" Andrews -- Rudy's room mate

Roger Schwimmer -- a football player.

James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer

Jakub Ivanov -- college friend

Morty Rankowiscz -- college friend

From Chapter 14:

I wriggled free and went and flopped down on the mattress, splayed out in the most open position I could manage.

"You look so cute and -- vulnerable!" Said Morty.

"I am. Once you asked me to be gentle. I'll ask you the same -- now."

"You're still hurting from Nate -- aren't you."

"It was the hardest thing I ever had to do."

"I'll try to live up to that sacrifice -- for me -- and make it worthwhile."

Chapter 15

We talked in the next few weeks about me moving in with him, but decided that was not the best idea --yet. We spent every moment we could together. The other guys on both our teams noticed and to those who asked -- we told the truth. For the most part, I was happy that guys in college were somewhat more mature about it than in school or even the academy. Most of those that we told weren't that surprised, after seeing us in the locker room.

He bought me a nice pendant for my 16th birthday, and when his 20th came, he wanted to get an ear pierced. I got him an earring. He had it put in his left ear. We were still not ready to tell the whole world! Both the earring and the pendant had garnets in them -- the birthstone for January.

The end of the semester slipped up on both of us. Suddenly it was his last semester at Community College, and he was accepted at U of W on a teaching scholarship. My plans were to transfer to the Madison Campus at the end of my first year at Community, but it was a little distant and besides ... I could go anywhere I wanted. So I chose the campus where Morty was accepted. The Panthers didn't have either football or wrestling programs, so we both tried out -- and were accepted on the soccer team.

We again considered moving in together. Morty thought it was time, but the General advised me that would put us on unequal terms. I would be too obligated to Morty, and though I was always welcome to come back to stay with my Dad and Mom, it would be better -- for the time being -- to consider staying at home. I told that to Morty and I was surprised how easily he agreed.

I talked to Seth for a long time and he concurred with my Dad about not moving in just yet and he still advised that I should stay away from a psych major -- but take classes that would still be good if I chose that later.

It would have been an easy thing to justify living with him for the summer, and I did stay over most weekends, making them longer by double many times. It was the best summer of my life -- up to that point.

Morty and I were officially together by the start of his last semester at Community, and that didn't change with summer. Nate came home for summer break the first two weeks of July. He was disappointed that I was still determined to be true to my guy. I was hurt by his total rejection of any other, more normal brotherly activities. I thought our relationship went beyond sex.

As far as my sex with Morty, it got to be pretty routine. We loved each other and it became about more than the sex. I just wanted someone to love. I guess he did too. He could never get his head around the idea of putting his penis in the place I pooped, and was afraid of my size inside him. So -- we never really did any anal except once in awhile we would give one another what we liked to call and "inside job" massaging our prostates. If we lived together, we may have done more.

For my 18th and his 22nd birthday celebration, we gave each other a cruise down the Chesapeake Bay and up the east coast to New York City. But we postponed it until after his graduation. He had reconciled with his parents by then and they helped him secure an associate professorship at their university. He never mentioned if they ever talked about our relationship.

Our cruise down the Chesapeake was augmented by his parents, securing us first class passage, plus paying for any side trips we wanted. Spring on the Chesapeake was gorgeous. We took our first side trip up the Choptank River where I learned something that I didn't know about Morty. He loves to fish!

They have piers that are open 24 hours a day for fisherman to get their limits of perch, striped bass, hard heads, sea trout and cat fish. These are caught at all different hours of the day and night, and lights on the piers are on all the time. Morty talked a lot about his dad, and was surprised (and I think disappointed) that I was not an avid fisherman. Who knew!

He seemed to miss his dad a lot while he fished. I was right there beside him, but it was hard to stay interested.

The rest of the cruise was fine. When we hit the open waters of the Atlantic, I found out that I get sea sick. Morty tried to get me out of my head, but I assured him it had nothing to do with my head!

At the end of the summer, I assumed that I would transfer again and do my last year at his parents' university where he was to teach. I had already made the arrangements -- with Morty's help. And I was finally going to move in with him -- or so I thought.

"Oh -- I'm not sure that's a good idea just now, Joshy." He said, almost offhandedly.

We were in his living room. He was reheating some of the dinner we brought home in a doggy bag.

"What? Why -- why -- I mean -- why? I stuttered."

He gave reasons, and I was instead of listening to him, intently comparing the differences in our bodies -- to when we first met. Oh, I heard him all right, but his reasons -- his parents were there, and they might be put in an embarrassing position, to say nothing of his chances of getting found out -- wait -- did he actually say found out? Well, anyway, I took all this in and was noticing at the same time, whereas I used to be on the heavy side for a wrestler which is unusual for that sport, since you always want to keep yourself in the least weight class as possible.

I actually lost weight -- and some baby fat on my face, whereas he had picked up a lot of weight from his days as a football player. Soccer seemed to do the opposite to us. I suppose it has a lot to do with genetics. His dad was shaped like a pear, and mine didn't have an ounce of fat on him. Morty was becoming like his dad! And I guess -- so was I.

After all his reasons, He said, "Joshy -- are you listening?"

"Yeah. That's all well good -- for so much bullshit!"

"But I can't - "

"You were the one that helped me get in that school!"

""Yes, and I truly wanted you there with me, but -- that was before - " He stopped.

"Before -- what?"

"Um -- I can't -- I mean - "

"Are we talking about me going to school there -- or me living with you?" I asked.

"Well -- b-both -- I -- um -- guess."

Then it hit me! It wasn't just his body! "You are becoming your dad."

"Huh?"

"You're worried more about prestige than you are about our relationship. After three years together -- is that all our relationship means to you?"

"I think you're overreacting, Joshy. But that's okay. I can forgive that. You ARE only eighteen." He said calmly.

"What?!! Now you're calling me immature?!! Give me a break!" I said. Then I realized that I was getting too upset. I calmed down. "Look, it's too late to change and go back to CC. I have to go to the Uni. But -- where do WE -- that is -- you and I -- go from here?"

"Well, I can't afford for us to be seen together on campus. Joshy, we can - "

"Stop calling me that!"

"I thought you liked - "

"Not when we're disagreeing!"

"Okay -- Josh-u-a. Here's what I propose. That we just keep on the way we have been -- you living with your family and we can - "

"The way we HAVE been would include having lunch with you -- at school, and riding with you to school. Do we get to do that?"

"Um -- well -- I have a parking permit, and my car is not exactly inconspicuous. I don't think - "

"Me neither."

I said.

"Huh?"

"I don't think that we need to do any of it. I'll ride the bus to the university. No problem. I'll go home or to work -- on the bus - like I used to -- every night. No problem. I won't embarrass you by coming over to your place any more -- in case someone follows you home -- in your conspicuous car. NO PROBLEM! I thought you were above this crap! I guess your parents win! And YOU are following right in their footsteps!"

I turned and walked out. He came and called after me. "Josh! Where are you going? Dinner's almost ready."

I came -- so as not to make a scene. I said -- quietly -- "Somehow I'm not very hungry any more."

"But -- how will you get home?"

"Oh -- trust me -- I know the bus system very well."

"Joshy -- erm -- Josh -- Please -- come back in. I was -- was -- going to -- surprise you. I wanted to try to -- take you -- all of you -- in my bum -- tonight!"

"Oh good fucking grief!" I said, "Are we using sex to get our way, now?"

"No -- I mean -- well -- Josh -- what can I do?"

"Apparently nothing. You could be a man -- and stand for something! I'm not talking about flaunting our sexuality to everyone. But -- this is a frigging state university. Probably a full 15% of the faculty is gay or lez anyway. What're you worried about?"

He looked at me sadly for a long moment then looked down. "I'm sorry."

"Me too." I said, and I walked away.

I didn't take the bus. I needed to walk. It was only 6 1/2 miles home. It was after ten when I got there.

"Are you hungry Josh?" asked Mom when I got home. "You look too thin, Sweetheart." I was growing to really love my stepmother. "There is plenty of food that can be warmed up in the micro - "

"I'm fine, thanks, Mom." I said and hugged her. I went to my room.

"Hi." Said James. "Wow -- you look bummed." He knew how to get right to the point -- and how to read me.

"I -- sort of -- broke up -- with Morty -- tonight."

"Aw -- that blows! Anything I can do?"

"Naw. But thanks."

I showered and when I got back to the bedroom, James was out watching the news with Dad. I turned off the light and went to bed. I couldn't cry. I wanted to, but for some reason I couldn't. I worried how dangerous it could be for me to hold it in. I actually wanted to scream. It was too late to call Seth. I lay there in the dark, wishing that at least sleep would overtake me.

James came in and undressed in the dark. He closed the door and climbed into bed, not really knowing I was still awake. We usually slept naked -- on opposite sides of the bed -- with 3 feet between us. But this night he sensed I needed him. He slid over next to me and pulled me into a close spoon. He kissed my neck. "G'night, Josh." He whispered.

That's all it took. It started with a gasp and a sob, then I wept silently, all the while James hugging me and breathing warm air on my neck, occasionally kissing it. "It's gonna be okay, Josh. Let it out."

I tuned and sighed, "Thanks, Bro!" and I kissed him. He kissed me back.

"Don't take this wrong, but I love you a lot, and -- well, thanks for calling me `Bro'. It means a lot to me." He said, and kissed me again, deeply and passionately. I turned back around and we fell asleep spooning.

"Josh -- I hate this!" Said Morty. His phone call woke me up. James's arm was still around me. "I spoke with my father and he says he can pull some strings and get you transferred to Madison."

"Madison!! What would make you think I'd want to go there?"

"Hey! They're a good school. More prestigious than here!"

"Yeah -- I know that prestige thing means a lot to some people, but that's 70 miles away!"

"But Joshy -- they have wrestling there! It's perfect!"

"It's 70 miles away! No thanks."

"Um -- well -- it's kinda too late for that. Father already told me he'd do it. It's a done deal."

I was speechless. I hung up the phone.

I told Dad about it at breakfast. He frowned. "We'll just see who has more influence there!" He said. "We are a major feeder to that school! I'll make some calls." We finished breakfast and Dad brushed his teeth. James and I were watching Fox News when he left. He stuck his head back in the door.

"Don't worry!" Said my dad. "You will be going to that school -- or any damned school you want!" He started to close the door again then stepped back in, and whispered, "Don't FUCK with The General!"

We all grinned and he left, whistling.

Since we had rushed so much during my registration, it never occurred to me when I saw:

ADV ENG COMP M-W-F INSTR: TBD

When I got to class, early as usual for me -- especially the first day, I sat front and center. This is where anyone who wants to be perceived to be interested -- sits.

He walked in, his eyes on the floor as he carried a heavy briefcase, his partially grown-out curly black hair in disarray. Before setting down his books, he scanned the room starting at the rear, and coming last to gaze on the front, center seat. When his eyes met mine, he went white and dropped his books. They tumbled down with a loud crash.

A couple people behind me started to laugh, probably thinking he did it on purpose, and then the whole room erupted -- except two of us. I sat with my eyes rolled up and his stood there, his mouth agape.

"Josh -- er -- Mr. Black! What a surprise! I was under the assumption that I wouldn't be seeing you here -- this year." He said, the whole class in some kind of suspended animation.

"Oh no, Mr. Rankowiscz. I believe it was you who signed me up for this advanced class."

"But -- I was told -- er -- I mean I heard that you -- erm -- couldn't make it."

"I heard that same thing. But my father seems to have had something to say about that. Thanks for making sure I was in your class!"

Morty passed out a schedule of suggested reading for the class, as well as the class requirements. "Please look those over and I will answer questions when I get back"

He almost ran out of the classroom. I was of the same intention, but the more I thought about it -- the more I thought this was no accident. Within moments, Morty came back, his face as red as a beet. He looked daggers at me. I dared him to say anything.

He told us that his name was Professor Rankowiscz, but would like to be called Morty. That surprised me. "I'd like to be your friend. Advanced English comp is more of a love than a course. And you that are here obviously have something in common with the instructor. I'll try to learn all your names as well."

By the time he was finished, it was obvious to we who knew him (okay that would only be -- me!) that his little intro was memorized.

"If you would like to turn to the forward of your text, please read it and maybe - " he looked at the class roster left on his desk. "Maybe Mr. Roush can explain the gist of it to us."

"You can call me Ronnie, Morty!" Said Mr. Roush -- with a very affected -- effeminate intonation. Everyone laughed. Morty turned red.

After that first class, as I walked out, two guys caught up with me. "You know that new professor?" Said one of them.

"Yeah. I've known him for a couple years."

"Did he intentionally get you in his class?" asked the second guy, then before I answered, he said, "He's gay, you know!"

"How do you know that?" I asked, stepping back and sizing the two guys up. They looked familiar.

"You both were on the soccer team. We played you last year. You were awesome! Are you playing this Year?" He said hopefully.

"Naw. I just barely made it in here." I lied. "I want to concentrate on studies this year."

"Dude! Well, our loss, I guess." Said the first guy. "What -- um -- what the hell happened in there? Did he somehow coerce you into his class? You can transfer out you know -- before the second week is up."

"I may do that."

"I may too. I'm not too sure I want to study under a poof like that!"

I thought about what Morty had said about being found out. "What kind of poof would you like to study under?" I asked, sarcastically.

"I don't -- wait a minute! Oh, that was a joke! Oh! Haha!"

I sized the two up again and determined I could take them -- if I had to. "I'm gay!"

They stopped and looked at me. Then they both laughed. "Yeah! Right! We all are, aren't we?!! Hahaha!"

"I don't know about you. I was under the impression that it was not a crime to be gay. It's only a crime to harass - - us!"

"You -- you -- you're just fuckin' with us -- right?"

I grabbed my package and said, "I could if you wanted me to -- are you asking me?"

"Rod -- I don't think he's kidding! You really are gay -- aren't you?!"

"Actually -- yes -- I am. Is that a problem?"

"Omigod!" Said Rod. Morty-boy is your boyfriend, isn't he? And you two were having a lovers spat -- right there in class!" " It had been a long time since I fought or wrestled and just the idea of taking these two hotties out started pumping me up.

"I think it's time for you and -- your friend here -- to move along." I said. "I don't think there is anything here that would interest you." I said, again grabbing my fast engorging meat.

Rod's eyes moved to my crotch and his eyes widened. I had linen pants on and they were none to big, so my package was well defined. He moved to try to get me between the two of them. I stepped back. He closed the distance between us and moved so his friend behind me. I spun and seeing no one, swatted Rod's friend in the face, turning him 180 degrees, then did a flying kick to his friend's abdomen.

He bent double and I perceived Rod coming at my rear. I stepped quickly aside and grabbed his arm, and holding fast, planted my foot in his ribs. I could have cracked them, but I let go his hand and he too hit the grass.

A campus security guard came running. Rod was shakily getting up. I thrust my hand out to his friend and grabbed his hand, pulling him up. I grinned.

" - so you see, guys, if someone comes at you from two directions, that's all you have to do. You two practice on each other and maybe tomorrow I'll show you another one!" Then I looked at the security guy. "Oh -- hey -- dude!"

"Everything okay here?"

"Okay?" I asked. "I guess. Is there a problem with us sparring here on the grass?"

"No. But I got a call -- someone thought you were fighting."

"Sparring -- that's all. Right guys?'

"Um -- oh -- yeah! No problem, Dude." Said Rod.

"S' okay!" Said his friend.

"All-righty then!" Said the guard.

Rod and his friend walked away. "See you guys in class on Wednesday, huh?" I hollered.

They ignored me and I went and sat on a nearby bench. My hear t was beating hard. I was exhilarated. I had kind of forgotten how a good fight could get me going. I adjusted my crotch, stretched out and threw my head back and closed my eyes. I felt myself drifting somewhere else as I relaxed. I couldn't help thinking about being with Morty on the Chesapeake.

"Hi again!" I startled back to reality. My body tensed up as I looked over at Rod's friend. He had sat down, but he quickly jumped up and out of my way. "Oh -- sorry! I didn't know you were - "

"It's -- um -- okay. What do you want?" I said, none too cordially.

"Um -- okay -- um -- so -- um -- you're really -- um - "

"Gay?" I said.

"Yeah -- you're really -- um -- gay?"

"I really am. I don't like it -- much -- but it's -- how I am."

"That sucks!" He said.

I laughed sarcastically, "Sometimes."

He thought about that and then laughed, "Oh -- um -- ha-ha -- ha-ha-ha! That's funny!" Then he became serious. "How can you laugh at it like that?"

"May as well." I said. "You only live once." By now I knew what was coming. I gave him his space. He didn't say any more, so I got up and started to move away.

"Hey -- um -- I'm sorry about that -- thing -- earlier. I'm Zach." He extended his fist. I bussed it and I said, "I'm Joshua."

"I know. I mean -- he called you that in class -- or was it Josh?"

"Oh yeah. Well, it was nice to meet you -- I guess -- Zach. I hope your ribs're okay."

"That was Rod -- and I know he's a little sore! Hey -- did you mean that about teaching us some more?"

"No." I laughed.

"I'm not sure if I could take many lessons like that! But -- I'd like to -- um -- learn a few -- um -- moves -- if you have time -- um -- some time."

I was walking pretty fast. He was trying to keep up. I stopped and turned quickly. He almost ran into me. "Dude -- if you have something to tell me -- life's too short! Do it now!"

He looked left and right. "Can we talk -- um -- sometime?" He almost whispered.

"Zach -- are you gay?"

He looked completely panicky. He again looked around and said, "SHHHH! Oh, God! Please don't tell anyone! I mean -- I dunno -- if I am -- but -- Shit! Please don't tell anyone about this?"

He grabbed my arm, his hand shaking. I steadied it with my other hand. "Calm down dude." I soothed. "It's okay. No one's gonna tell anyone anything."

He looked long and hard into my eyes. I think he saw someone he could trust. "Zach -- I have a class to go to right now. And I have to work right after that."

"Oh. Um -- how long do we have to wait? Man -- Josh -- I feel like I took half a crap and now have to hold the rest of it!"

I laughed. "Great imagery, Zach! I can see why you're in a creative writing class. I know how you feel -- if that makes you feel any better. I get off work at 8:30 tonight. I'm gonna assume there won't be a ton of homework the first night. Can you pick me up at the Burger Palace -- when I get off?"

"Which one?"

"The one across from CC."

"I'll be there! Um -- how are you getting there?"

"I take the bus."

"You don't have a car?"

"I never needed one -- yet."

"Can I drop you off at your work?"

"Heh. That's one reason I never needed one! Sure! Meet me at the lit library after class. You have a class now?"

"Naw. I'll just wait for you."

He followed me to my class and waited out side the door. I dunno if he was afraid I wouldn't show or what.

When class was out, he was still sitting on the ground outside the door, reading. He got up and nervously led me to his car. I was careful to check and be aware of everything going on around me. I surreptitiously checked to make sure no "Extra persons" were hiding in the back seat of his car. I guessed that his car was actually his parents -- about a ten year old, oxidized burgundy colored minivan.

He drove me to the Burger Palace, neither of us saying very much. He told me he'd be there at 8:30, his eyes almost buried in his brows, as if to say, "I can't believe I'm really doing this!"

"Thanks, Um - Zach. See yah later!"

"Yeah -- um -- and -- well -- um -- thank you -- too!"

Work dragged by -- knowing that Zach would be picking me up. When I got off, the red van was already parked and waiting. I almost opened the door, when I saw that a lady was in the driver's seat. I turned and started away and she beeped the horn. I looked and she motioned me over. "Are you Joshua?"

"Yes. What -- I mean - "

"Zachary got sick. It seemed like one minute he was okay and the next he was losing his dinner. I first thought it was something he ate, but everyone else ate the same things. Anyway -- he said he promised to take you home from work, and he was worried because he doesn't have your phone number."

"Well, thanks so much! But you could have called the Burger Palace and I could have taken the bus home!" I said.

"No -- if Zachary promised, he wanted to honor that promise. Where do you live?"

"South town."

"Oh dear!"

"Sorry -- look, Mrs. -- um -- I don't even know Zack's last name. Anyway -- I can still get the bus -- it's no problem. Um -- how was Zach when you left?"

"No -- I will take you home. I wouldn't want one of my boys stuck out here in the middle of the night. Zachary was a little weak. He insisted on coming out here himself, but I would not hear of it! So I told him I'd come. Of course he is embarrassed to have his mother -- well you understand, but - Anything I can do to help get my son away from those ruffians that he usually hangs out with!" (Well, I'd be embarrassed if my mom ever said that!) "Well I guess I don't need to tell you about that! But they are so crude -- those soccer boys. I can tell already that you are a nice boy."

Hey, I'm a "nice" boy!

I was still looking in her window. "Please get in!" She said.

I walked to the passenger side and got in. "You mentioned everyone else, Mrs. -- heh -- I still don't know your name."

"Clancy."

"I'm Joshua Black, by the way. Nice to meet you. Do you have other children?"

"Zachary is the eldest of 6."

"6!! Wow! Zach Clancy, huh?"

"Oh, no. Zachary's father died when he was two. His name is Taylor. The other 5 are all Clancy. How did you meet Zachary?"

"We -- um -- have a class together: Advanced English comp. Creative writing."

"Oh, yes, Zachary is very talented that way."

RRRing!

She opened her cell phone. "Hello? Yes. Well I don't know, Zac -- no, of course not! I think -- are you sure? Well, okay -- if you insist!" She closed her phone. "He insists he's fine and told me to bring you back to our home. He will take you home then." She sighed.

When we got there, I followed her into the house. Zach was at the bottom of a pile of 2 little brothers and 3 little sisters, all of them giggling tickling. When we walked in, Zach sprang out from the tangled mass of children, red faced and grinning.

"I guess you ARE feeling better. I hope you don't have the flu or something. The other children - "

"Leave the boy alone, Shelly. I'm sure it was something he ate earlier in the day!" I looked behind the door and there was a man -- maybe in his late thirties. "Hi! I'm Tom Clancy, Zachary's dad."

I shook hands with him. He had a warm, firm handshake, and he looked deeply into my eyes. His eyes were deep blue, and he had strawberry blondish hair, high on his forehead, a heavy five-o'clock-shadow and almost cherry red lips. I felt a spurt of something somewhere south of my belt.

"Hello, sir." I gave him my winning-est smile!

"Thanks for bringing him home, mom!" Said Zach, still flushed and grinning from the free-for-all with his siblings. "I gotta take him home now."

"You can take time to introduce him to your brothers and sisters!" Said his mother.

"That's Dania, Darcy and Deanna, and those are the twins, Danny and David." He said. Let's go!"

"All `D' names huh?" I said. "Cute!"

"Yes, and they all have matching middle names -- Lynn." Said Mr. Clancy.

"Wow!" I said.

"Including Zachary." He said. "Well it looks like Zachary can't wait to get you out of his zoo! It was nice to meet you, Joshua."

"Like wise!" I said, and meant it!

After we left, Zach said, "Mom didn't marry again until I was ten. They wanted to name us all with the same initials, but there weren't enough reasonable `Z' names so they decided to give them all my middle name."

Cool!" I said. "You have a great family, Zach!"

"I do!"

We both knew there was an elephant in the car that neither was willing to talk about. When he got to within a block of our place, I said, "Pull over in front of that white house." He did it. "Turn off the engine." He did it. "Now -- we were going to talk about something -- important -- tonight."

"Yeah -- um -- about that -- um -- I guess that's what made me sick. I can't believe that I even said anything to you. Can we just forget it?"

"Zach -- I really like you -- even more now that I've met your family. I want to be your friend. Is that possible?"

"I -- uh -- guess."

"Look, if you don't want to be friends -- I guess I'm a little embarrassed -- and you can take me home. But you shared something -- pretty personal with me -- earlier. You're going to have to face it eventually. So -- if you can't bring yourself to say it -- you told me -- or implied it, really -- that you think that you could be gay."

He looked at the floor of the car. "Yeaaaah -- about that -- I just think I want to forget it. Oh -- I WANT to be your friend -- but let's not - "

"You've already opened Pandora's Box, Zach. It's always going to out there between us. More importantly, YOU have to live with it! Do you worry you're gay?"

"I -- dunno."

"So -- I'll take that as a yes. At least you've been wondering about it." He nodded -- and shivered. "If you're cold, start the engine again." I said.

"No -- it's not that."

"You're -- scared."

"Well Shit! What do you expect?"

"You've known -- or wondered about this a long time." I said.

"It -- it -- was never a problem -- before."

"What do you mean -- a problem?"

"Aw -- you know -- when you're in school -- I mean -- all the guys look! I've seen it plenty of times -- at the urinal -- and stuff. Everyone looks! I didn't think I was any different than anyone else. And I still -- don't -- um -- know -- if I am!"

"So -- you're thinking all guys wonder -- if they're gay?"

"Stop saying that!"

"I'm sorry. It's just that I AM -- and it seems like you are -- um -- ashamed -- or something. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"I dunno -- I mean -- I wouldn't say -- exactly -- ashamed. I'm -- yeah -- like YOU said -- scared. Joshua -- I'm scared shitless! I don't WANT to be gay!"

"You think I do?!" I said.

"I dunno what you want. I only know that when I go into the locker room now -- well -- it seems like the guys still are looking -- a lot -- but -- it seems like -- SHIT! This is hard! But -- It seems like -- like - "

"You're more interested than before?"

He again looked down at the car's floor. "Yeah." He whispered.

"I know." I said. "Do you date?"

"That's another thing! The other guys are calling me the 40-year-old virgin! Crimany! I'm only 20! You older guys -- expect - "

"I'm 18."

His head jerked over to my direction. He looked at me and said, "Nuh-uh! You're lying to me!"

I got out my driver's license and handed it to him.

"Dang! You looked older at 16 than I look now! Anyway -- in school it wasn't so -- so -- um - "

"I know." I said. "In school everyone's self conscious. Here, most guys -- by the time they are 18 or 19 -- are more sure about their -- well, their sexuality for one thing. Sure, they check other guys out, but that's just natural -- check out the competition. But -- for us -- I mean -- for gays -- it's like -- a kid in a candy shop! Only you can't let anyone know how much you wanna taste the candy!"

"EXACTLY!" He blurted out. "I mean -- yeah! You DO know how I feel! But -- does that mean I'm gay?"

"I dunno. Do you feel that way around girls?"

"How the heck should I know! I've never been around a bunch of naked girls!"

"How do you feel when you're with guys -- and they're fully clothed?"

"Fine."

"C'mon! I mean -- do any of them -- um -- excite you?"

"No!" he said, and he rubbed his crotch.

"Yeah, like I believe that! And if you're with a bunch of women -- or where there are both guys and girls -- do you look at any of the girls? I mean -- even at the university, some girls show an awfully lot of their tits -- sometimes."

"Look1 I don't like thinking about this kind of stuff."

"Okay. Well, I gotta get home. It's just around that corner -- the 3rd house on the left."

He dropped me off, and I told him I'd see him Wednesday in class.

Wednesday -- in class: I arrived early again -- as usual -- and so this time I headed for the back of the class. Morty came in and looked at the front row and seemed to relax a little. Then he saw me. He stopped and closed his eyes a moment and then ignored me the rest of the class. Well, I didn't do anything to attract his attention, either.

When the 50 minutes was over, he left quickly, and then the rest of the class filed out.

I was half way to the student center when a voice behind me said, "Lovers still fighting, huh?" I knew it was Rod. I ignored it. "Don't worry, Fag! He'll come begging you to forgive him. You definitely have the edge over that pansy!"

I turned. I folded my arms -- but was ready for anything. He had 3 other guys with him, including Zach.

"Hey -- give it up, Rod!" Said Zach. "You don't know - "

He turned on Zach and threatened, "Are you stickin' up for the faggot? `Cuz -- if you are, I been wonderin' about you lately!"

"What? You couldn't take him alone the other day -- so you think the rest of us will help you fight your stupid little junior high school battle for you?" Challenged Zach.

Zach was purposely including the other guys with him -- to get them to not side with Rod.

"Listen to you, Zach! I think you ARE a little light in your loafers -- stickin' up for this pussy boy!"

"He's no pussy boy, guys!" said Zach. Then Zach turned back to Rod. "You're the pussy boy!" He went on -- for the benefit of the other guys, "The other day, Josh creamed the both of us -- by himself!"

"He caught us off guard!" Said Rod. "A fuckin' sneak attack -- just like Pearl Harbor!"

One of the other guys said, "Well -- he can't catch you off guard this time -- can he? Let's see what you can do, Roddy-boy!" They all laughed.

Zach was able to do it. He shamed the others into agreeing with him! Rod said, "I -- ah -- got a sore rib -- I shouldn't - "

"You shouldn't be making claims that you can't back up, Rod!" Said the last guy. "I don't need a fight on my record. And if I'm not mistaken -- you're already on probation -- from last year. When are you gonna learn. You're no longer in junior high -- dude -- if you want this guy -- you take him on by yourself1"

Rod grumbled something under his breath. "You're an idiot!" Said the first guy I didn't know.

Rod turned and walked away. The two other guys went another direction. Zach stayed put, and I didn't want to give him any more grief, so I turned and walked a different way, feeling like I wanted to say something nice -- or hug -- Zach -- or something.

"LOOK OUT! A KNIFE!" hollered Someone behind me. (It was Zach.) Rod was almost on top of me about to stick a knife in my ribs. It was as if everything was in slow motion. My left foot kicked the knife out of his hand and he groaned. I'm sure I broke his wrist, and my right foot caught the side of his head, which jerked to his left. He fell and scooted back fast -- as if I wanted -- or needed to do anything more!

"Got it!" Said another voice. "Got it all on video, Jer!" The guy with a video cam shouted to the campus guard.

"I kind of doubt you will be attending this school again -- or any other Wisconsin state school!" Said the young guard to Rod. "You're and idiot!"

"He knows Karate! He shouldn't be - " Rod blustered.

"I've got the whole thing on tape. You attacked him -- with a knife, no less. He's justified in any self defense he could come up with!"

"We need him this weekend against the Panthers!" Said one of the other guys. "He should have thought about that before attacking someone with a knife! This is Mr. Cumberlain's 3rd strike. He's out. I'd be fired if anyone thought I'd played with the dates."

"No can do anyway, Jerry." Said the photographer. Video's date stamped.

One of Rod's other team-mates put his hand out to help Rod up. "Get away from me! You couldn't help a bud when he needed you. Just get the fuck away!" Said Rod. He carefully got up, favoring his broken wrist and limping away. He tried to stoop down to pick up his knife. Jerry -- the guard -- kicked it away.

"Afraid we'll need this for evidence!" Said Jerry, picking the knife up -- by the blade -- with a handkerchief.

Friday, again after English comp class, I was accosted again. This time by Zach and the other two guys.

I sighed and folded my arms. "What now?" I said.

"Tomorrow night -- we play the Panthers." Started Zach.

"And we were wondering - " said one of the other guys.

" -- if you might be willing -- to -- help us out." Said the other. "Zach says we played you last year -- and that -- you're pretty good. I don't remember, but if Zach says so - "

"How could you NOT remember him!?" Exclaimed Zach. He was so - " Zach turned red and stopped talking.

"We believe you, Zachy!" Said the first guy. "Will you do it?" he said to me.

"How can they do that? I'm not a member of - "

"How's your grade point average?"

I blushed. "4.0"

"Sheee-yit!" Said one of the guys.

"Fuckinae!" Said the other.

"I'm Rashid, this is Happy -- the team captain -- and ... you are now on the team!"

Well I still had to jump through some hoops to be able to play Saturday, but between Happy and the coach, they were able to satisfy all the requirements.

Saturday night's game was more than I realized. I didn't know that the team from Madison was their arch rival. The game was very close. I was given Rod's position of fullback, and against the Panthers this was a very pivotal defender position. I was never in a position to make a goal, but I was in the backfield, defending against letting the ball get close to our goal.

In the 4th period, one of our guys passed the ball to Zach, because he had a clear shot at their goal and what would have been the game point. Again, it was like slow motion, as I watched, unable to stop what was about to happen. There was no way I could get there and stop the Panther forward from jamming his foot -- with all his weight behind it -- into the side of Zack's knee. I heard the crack. Zach went down. I heard a scream in the Panther stands, and then the panther forward went down. More screams from the Panther stands, caught most of the attention.

As Zach lay in agony on the grass, the other played seemed to be knocked out next to him. Another crowd scream brought everyone's attention to the Panther stands, where there was a widening circle of people -- giving someone wide space. Then another crack -- it was a gun! The guy in the center fell.

I ran to Zach. He was holding his knee -- bent the wrong way, and the other guy -- no one had noticed -- was bleeding badly from his neck. I hollered, "Man down here! No one listened to me. I Screamed -- MAN SHOT here!"

The guy who obviously felt no remorse in sacrificing Zach's knee, had flown behind him and when he did, a bullet which surely was meant for Zach -- hit the other team's forward instead.

The guy who went down in the stands was Rod. He had indeed shot -- no one will know for sure who his target was -- though a few of us knew. After he shot the wrong guy, Rod threatened everyone around him, and then he dropped, as another fan took aim at his head, from 35 yards away. That fan was arrested for bringing a concealed weapon to the game.

Poor Zach had to wait for the other mess to be sorted out. Everyone ignored him in favor of the bleeding Panther forward. I saw how contorted his knee was, and I told him to close his eyes and scream out of he had to. He just gritted his teeth as I yanked on his leg to get it at least straight. I didn't know really what I was doing, but I knew that it couldn't be good to leave him in that position.

When the doctors got to Zach, they asked who had straightened his leg. All eyes were on Zach. I stood a few feet off shaking my head noooo! He didn't answer, and no one else knew. "I saw him earlier -- before I stopped the bleeding in the other boy's neck." Said a volunteer doctor. "It was bent the wrong way, and now it's not. Did you do it yourself?" Zach shook his head no.

"The Panther boy will be better off than this boy's knee, but I think you'll heal okay." He told Zach. "You may never play soccer again though." He looked all around and when no one came forward, he said, "Well, whoever it was probably saved this boys leg!" Said the doctor.

After everyone else was pretty much gone, except for Happy, the coach and by this time, Zach's whole family made it to the field ... and me -- Zach asked if I would come with him to the hospital. My family was waiting for me, but I told them I'd be home later -- or not -- depending on what happened at the hospital.

An ambulance was brought on to the field to pick up Zach. His dad got into the back with his son and I walked way with his family. "Josh!" I turned. ""Can you come with us -- in here?" It was Zach's dad, asking me to come in the ambulance with himself and Zach. I ran and hopped in. The door was closed and the siren blared most of the way to the hospital.

"I saw what you did, Josh." It felt funny having someone I hardly knew calling me Josh. But no one told them differently, and that was what Zach had heard Morty call me. "Thanks. I could tell you didn't want to take responsibility for it and -- I agree. You do something good and someone is always there to sue you! That guy that saved all those people in the crowd on the Panther bleachers -- they'll probably put him in jail for that! Things are flippin' upside down, sometimes!"

It was 2:30 AM before they were finished setting and immobilizing Zach's knee. They assumed I would come home with them -- which I did.

Zach was the only one who had a bedroom to himself, being eleven years older than anyone else. He had a double bed and they asked if I minded sleeping in it -- with Zach -- if he could tolerate it. He said he thought he could. He tossed and turned for at least an hour, trying to get his knee comfortable. Finally he found it worked to have it on the bottom with a pillow between it and the other leg, which lay slightly aside it.

Once he got somewhat comfortable he spoke. "You awake?"

"Yeah.

"I guess -- Rod's -- dead."

"That's what I heard."

"What a jerk!"

"Yeah." I answered. "I'm surprised that he wasn't aiming for me!" I said.

"He probably didn't even know it was you!"

"Oh -- yeah -- you're probably right."

"Josh?"

"Yeah?" He didn't say anything. "You okay, Zach?"

"Yeah -- I was just wondering - "

I anticipated what he wanted. I carefully slipped in behind him and held him from the rear. He sighed long and soon was asleep.

Notes: What can I say? Sometimes a guy just needs to be held! Personally, I've never been able to fall asleep holding anyone -- but it sure sounds romantic! Comments are welcome ... to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve