Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Joshua Alan Black II
Barbie Warfield -- my mother
Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather
Wilma Warfield -- Dennis's mother ("Missy" to me)
Francis Warfield -- Dennis's father -- ("Sir" to me.)
Alva Benson -- my Gram (Grandma)
Iver Benson -- my Pop (Grandpa)
Richard -- My favorite Cousin
Ray and Raul -- Richards' older brothers.
Nate Willows -- My first roomie.
Rudy Chanbers -- Friend across the hall.
Randy "Rascal" Ringstrom. Tutor
Wayne "Bulge" Andrews -- Rudy's room mate
Roger Schwimmer -- a football player.
James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer
Jakub Ivanov -- college friend
Morty Rankowiscz -- college friend
From Chapter 13:
"You're a little late. You should call when you know you're going to be - "
"I didn't know."
"Oh -- okay. Was that Morty that dropped you off?" Said the General. "You should have asked him in."
"He had to go. It smells good in here." I said, more to change the subject than anything else.
"I'm glad you think so. That's the bell peppers from last week. You mother is not home tonight, so we'll be eating leftovers. Go clean up. I saved you 1and 1/2 peppers."
"I'm not very hungry."
"Can I have them?" Asked James.
"Sure." I said, and I went to my room and closed the door. I just wanted to be alone
Chapter 14
Morty avoided any alone time with me for a week. Finally I called him -- from the locker room. He was there too! He looked at the incoming number, surprised. He looked at me across the room, and answered.
"We need to talk." I said.
"I don't feel like talking -- to anyone." He said quietly.
"I don't give a FUCK what YOU feel like! Did it ever occur to you that others have feelings too?"
Morty looked all around, then noticed that there was no one to hear my outburst. He closed his phone and turned his back on me.
"But -- he just turned his back on me!" I cried.
"The good news is -- you are reacting -- instead of letting your subconscious react -- to the reality of the situation." Said Seth "You didn't flip out -- you feel bad -- violated even, but it's YOU feeling it, and reacting to a very solid ... reality. It hurts."
"Seth -- I tried to hold myself from him, but he took me in -- then -- then -- this!"
"I'm sorry you are hurting, Josh. I really am. But at the same time, I am rejoicing. A few months ago, you couldn't have even told me these things. You would have reacted badly. Now you're reacting - - normally. And ... I promise ... it will get better. It may get worse first -- or not -- but it WILL get better."
"Thanks, Seth. Talk to you later." I said, not feeling the lift I was hoping for.
"Okay, bye."
"Love you!" I said.
"Love you too, Josh!" Click.
Christmas helped -- a lot! Nate came home for his holiday leave. He still was single. Or at least single again. We were more like close brothers than ever before. The day before Christmas, I received an e-card -- from Morty -- a Christmas card! Besides the usual yuletide greeting (and not just a generic "season's greetings"!) he wrote:
"I think about you a lot. I'm living independently now. Sorry about our last -- call. I hope you have a great Christmas. I'm learning so much!
Love, Me."
My heart skipped a beat. Just when I thought I was about to leave thoughts about him behind!
"Hi." I said.
"Hi." He said.
"You -- you -- whattaya mean, you're living independently?"
"Is your invitation to -- talk -- still open?" He asked, sounding almost scared.
"You wanna come over here -- or maybe -- pick me up and we can go somewhere?" I said.
"Um -- can we come back here?"
"Sure!" I said wondering if I sounded too enthusiastic. "Um -- what -- I mean -- were you kicked out?"
"I -- um -- sort of -- kicked myself out."
"Ooo. I guess that will be part of your explanation."
"Yeah -- I mean -- um -- yeah. I'll be there in 20 minutes. Oh! I mean -- if that's okay with you!"
I wondered if he realized it was Christmas Eve. "I -- um -- Sure!" I said.
I told Mom and -- Dad -- that Morty wanted to talk to me. I begged out of Christmas Eve dinner. They -- understood!
I nervously awaited and looked for his car. I wasn't looking for the Corvette that pulled into the driveway! I wondered who it could be. I did a double-take when Morty hopped out. Everything in me wanted to run to him and throw my arms around him. I stood on the porch and waited for him to walk up.
"If I leave without having you at least come in and say hi -- again -- my parents may not let me back in tonight!" I joked.
"Sorry!" He said, immediately getting that I was talking about the last time he was here -- and left so suddenly. He followed me in the house. Something was different about him.
"Merry Christmas, Morty!" Said Mom. "Or is it Happy Chanukah?"
"Merry Christmas if fine, Mrs. Willows."
"You certainly look nice tonight!" She said.
"VERRRY nice!" Added Nate.
That was it! He was wearing black stretch fitted jeans and a tight, salmon colored ribbed tee -- with a dark gray silk shirt over it. More stylish than he ever was before and -- well -- sexy! His hair was cut very short and without the sexy curls on his forehead -- he looked even sexier!
"It's nice to see all of you!" He said.
"It's nice to see so much of you!" Quipped James.
Morty looked all around, smiling at everyone in the room and lastly at me. "Ready to go?"
I looked thankfully at my parents, and said, "I'll see you in the morning."
I opened the door and Morty went out, with me right behind. "Josh?"
I poked my head back in. My dad asked, "Will you be home at all -- tonight?"
"Dunno. I'll call -- if the answer turns out to be no. -- okay?" I grinned nervously.
"Okay."
"Thanks, Dad. I love you!"
Morty was waiting in the car, as I walked to it, wondering if I could remember ever telling Dad that before.
"You're so lucky!" He said. When he saw my inquiring look he continued, " -- to have parents that care about you so much."
"Aw -- your parents care about you." I said.
"I know." He said sadly.
"What happened? You said you kicked yourself out. What the hell does that mean?"
"My parents -- have not exactly been -- um -- judgmental -- with me. It almost seems to me that it's more like -- they just don't much care about me. They are so wrapped up in the hype and status of being these high and mighty university professors -- overly bloated on their own pride -- that I was just something else for them to be proud over."
"Aw -- Morty -- you know that's not - "
He grabbed my hand and squeezed it -- hard. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe all this will mean little -- in the future, but -- for now, I need to be feeling these -- um -- feelings!"
I backed off. He continued. "Yeah -- I've been seeing a shrink. No -- not on my daddy's dime! Oh -- did I tell you? No I didn't! The masturbation thing? The Herpes thing? They weren't the only things that my parents were keeping from me!" He said it with very little emotion.. That worried me. He pulled up to some lakeside condominiums, then into a parking garage. I was happy about that. I still was not used to so much snow. And this was a nice place!
He explained that his grandparents -- on his mother's side -- both dead -- had left him a small fortune -- to be given to him when he was 18.
"I'm over nineteen. I wonder when my parents were going to tell me about that!"
He led me to his condo, with broad windows overlooking Lake Michigan.
"Wow!" I said.
"It's not as exclusive or as luxurious as I'm used to, but -- it'll have to do."
I looked around. He was right. It wasn't as nice as he was used to.
"But -- it's mine!"
"But -- how did you find out -- about the will?"
"They wanted me to sign some papers -- to be able to pay for something."
"Wow! That was pretty brazen."
"I've signed many of them before. I never questioned it. I just trusted them. But after the other lies and half-truths they have been telling me, this time I questioned it. Dad got all defensive and I refused to sign. My mother broke down and told me about the will. She wouldn't have if I hadn't backed her into a corner!"
"Wow. That seems too -- um - "
"Oh! And you'll appreciate this! My dad tried to forbid me from seeing you! It seemed at the time a dead issue -- since I felt like you didn't deserve the trouble I was giving you."
"What -- I mean why -- did he want to forbid - "
"He WAS watching us that night -- when we swam nude! He saw your -- uncut -- meat. He wanted to forbid me from getting involved with a non-Jew! What a hypocrite!"
He stewed and steamed for a moment then continued, "I'm not even sure how to ask this."
"Just ask!" I said.
"Well, after our last conversation -- I was only trying to protect you -- you know?"
"Yeah - ?"
"I mean from my -- virus -- the Herpes."
"Yeah, I did some extensive research on that myself." I admitted.
"What did YOU find?" He asked.
"That the doctor at the clinic was right. Except for the most remote cases, you would know if you had an open sore -- and that's the only way to pass it on -- usually." He let out same held-in air. "That's what you found too -- huh?" I said.
"Uh-huh."
I was again at a loss -- what to do. "So -- where should we go from here?" I asked.
"Um -- well -- I did have something in mind." He half smiled -- which went through me like a lightning bolt. My body was just starting to respond -- in the way you are now thinking -- when he said, "Um -- do you think we could go back to your house tonight?"
"Huh?"
"I don't want to be alone on Christmas Eve, and I sure don't want to take you away from your family."
"You don't want to be alone -- on Christmas Eve? When did you start celebrating -- Christmas Eve?"
"I don't. But I have done some reading and found out that -- in some Christian families -- this night is one of the holiest times that you celebrate -- only second to Easter. I don't want to be responsible for taking you from your family -- this night and -- I don't want to be alone either, so -- I know that your parents are super nice -- and even though I SHOULD feel like it may be too much of an imposition -- and it really IS -- And I DO feel that way -- (<>) do you think I could come there and maybe -- um -- pretend -- that it's my family? I'd love to experience a Christian celebration."
"Wow! That was a mouthful!" Just a minute."
"Mom -- oh good! Um -- hey! Would it be okay of I bring Morty back there with me -- for Christmas Eve?"
"Oh, you silly boy! As if you need to ask!"
"I know. But I still wanted to ask -- anyway."
"He'll be like one of the family!"
"That's what he's looking for."
I hung up and grinned. What is it I'm looking for." I told him what Mom said.
"You're so FUCKING lucky!" I winced a little when he said that. "Sorry."
"No -- I'M sorry." I said. "I've used that word far too much with you. Sometimes it just seems like nothing else can express - "
"You are so ... SO lucky!" He corrected, as he started for the door.
"Wait!" I said.
"What?" He said, somewhat startled.
"Aren't you gonna even show me your bedroom?"
"Oh!" He grinned sheepishly. "Um -- can we save that for -- later?"
"I just wanted you to get some jams. You're spending the night with me! If you want to experience Christmas -- you also have to experience Christmas morning!" I grinned.
"Oh! Okay!" He said, his smile widening. "But -- I don't have any jams."
"Okay -- never mind -- you won't really need them." For that I was rewarded with an evil grin. "You can wear some of mine!" I explained.
He laughed and kissed me. He's getting good at that!
Christmas Eve dinner is always a little late anyway, but they waited for us to start. After all the re-acquaintance hubbub, Mom called us to dinner. After we were assembled, Dad said, "Well, first of all, in behalf of the family I want to welcome Morty to our celebration. Please consider yourself as one of the family." Morty nodded and grinned. "Christmas Eve dinner here is pretty casual. There are lots of stuff and goodies on the buffet table. Just pick and choose whatever you want. After dinner we will read Luke 2 and then open one gift."
As we made our way past the buffet offerings, Morty picked up a ramaki. He sniffed it and then popped it in his mouth. He rolled his eyes! His mouth still full, he said, "Omigosh! This is great!" He swallowed it and grabbed a couple more. "What ARE these?"
"Chicken livers, water chestnuts and pineapple, wrapped in bacon then skewered with that toothpick -- then barbecued." He swallowed hard and almost choked as I described it.
"Is there anything in there that's legal for a Jew to eat?" I laughed.
"Hey! This isn't Seder! It's Christmas. I'm open to anything! And those are too good to pass up!"
"Haha! Judging by your first expression ... you know ... the one that looked like you were gonna barf - "
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" He laughed. "No -- but you're right, I still have conditioned responses to certain things. Bacon and organ meat are two of those. But I think I got over it pretty quickly -- don't you?"
I leaned in and whispered, "I have some organ meat here that you may want to try some day!"
He looked at me seriously -- puppy-eyed seriously! It definitely sent a charge to my nether region.
I could see that Morty's stretch jeans were -- stretching -- and that was no problem for him, since they were tight enough to contain some amount of growth., but I had loose linen pants on and if my monster decided to take a stand ...
"SO!" I said -- to change the subject before I embarrassed myself. "Too bad we don't have any little kids here! Christmas morning is always more fun with little kids -- you know the Santa Claus thing!"
"What makes you think Santa doesn't come to Jews, you insensitive Gentile pig! Well -- at least some of us!" He smirked at me, not really helping the situation growing in my pants. I grabbed several ramakis and threw them on my plate and sat quickly on the nearest seat -- which happened to be a love seat that my brother was on.
Well, I guess I started it, didn't I? I only meant that first tease as a cute quip and no more than a tease. Well, if Morty took it more seriously than that, I was ready to take him up on that. Morty sat on the chair next to us and Nate leaned in and said, "I hope you will want to come in to see me tonight. We have a lot to catch up on!" Apparently Nate had a few of the spiked eggnogs. Morty had to hear that remark. I was secretly planning on this night to sneak into Nate's room. Then I got Morty's card!
Suddenly I felt extremely hot. Nate made it clear even when he had a boyfriend that he still wanted to play -- with me. He expected that I would feel the same. I wasn't sure that I disagreed with that -- especially since Morty and I weren't exactly on an exclusive basis, but -- I felt extremely awkward.
Nate put his hand just above my knee, rubbed my lower thigh and said, "So Morty, How long have you known my little brother?"
Morty took Nate's gesture as a challenge. He also put his hand on my other thigh -- but higher up. I'm not sure if it was the nervousness that made him rub -- or rather scratch -- the inside, but he said, "Uhhhmm -- several weeks, I guess. Did he tell you I recently moved to a condo -- away from home?"
"You were living with your parents?" Said Nate.
"Yeah but - - that wasn't working out."
"So you're renting a place? That's gotta be hard -- going to school and all."
"Oh no. I bought it." Said Morty. Nate quickly overcame his surprised expression. "The only trouble is -- heh -- now that I am out and away, I never knew how lonely that could be -- by myself. I had asked Joshua to stay with me tonight. As Jews we don't make anything of Christmas, but tomorrow will be the first Christmas morning that I've ever been away from my parents. You know -- Santa Claus and all."
"Certainly you can go home tomorrow morning. You have gifts for them?" Said Nate.
"Well -- not really. Moving out was not exactly a pleasant experience. "We're not exactly on speaking terms."
"OOoo! That sucks. They cut you off, huh?"
I expected he'd say that it was he who cut them off, but he didn't! "Something like that. So are you coming back to my place tonight, Joshua?"
One day I am really looking forward to some good time with my brother, and then everything changes overnight Or rather -- in one afternoon! "I -- uh - "
This was so uncharacteristic of Morty -- unless in making the hard decisions he had to make recently he grew some more balls! But on the other hand -- it was unfair and a little tight of my brother to say what he did in the hearing of Morty. Cancel that. It was VERY tight of him!
I was really sweating answering, but then was interrupted by Dad. "I want you guys to help me out a little tonight. Three of the boys had to return to the school because their planes were grounded. I can't have my boys staying in that sterile place on Christmas Eve! Would you guys help me go get them? He was speaking to me, Nate, James and of course Morty.
"These three are the Roush brothers, so they won't mind bunking in your room, Nathan -- if you wouldn't mind sleeping in your brother's room, with Josh and James. We can bring in a cot for one of you."
"No problem Pop!" Said Nate.
"I was thinking of asking Morty to stay here for the night anyway." I said. But we can just as well go to his place tonight."
"That'd be fine!" Said Morty.
We took the academy's maxi van to pick up the boys. It didn't really take all of us, but Dad knew that the boys would feel more comfortable accepting his offer if all of us went -- especially since James was a classmate of the older boy. In the van and also once we arrived back home -- and continued our dinner and Christmas Eve festivities, it was obvious that James and Bill Roush were already buds.
In the earshot of several others, including Dad, Nate said, "Hey -- since Bill and James are such good buds -- maybe I should go over to Morty's too -- give them some space."
James looked interested in that prospect. Dad said, "I think on Christmas Eve that the brother's should be together, Nathan. It's the only real family they have."
Knowing my dad, that wasn't the only reason he had to squelch that idea. I'm sure he caught on to the tension going on between me and Nate and also, he didn't want to put one of his boys at risk, sleeping with James. "I want you here to help, Nathan."
Dad looked at me and though he didn't say anything -- or even make a face -- I knew he was watching out for me -- and maybe all of us. Then Dad motioned to us to join him in the kitchen.
"Wal-Mart is already closed, but I know the general manager of this store, and he will let us in to make a few purchases -- after the boys go to bed -- so that their Christmas morning is a good one. You three can go and pretend that you are each -- in succession 14, 16 and 17 -- and we'll get some appropriate Santa gifts. You can go too, if you like Morty."
Morty looked pleased and even excited about that prospect. We met the manager in front of one of the Wal-Mart doors, after midnight. He told us that anything we chose will be half the after Christmas price, and -- Wal-Mart would pay the tax. We went in different directions, and came back with a few things each. All of us had large bags to carry out to the van.
We had suspended the traditional one Christmas Eve present this year, since there was nothing for the boys. We came home and quietly found corners to wrap gifts. When we were finished, Morty said, "I don't want to take you away from YOUR family on Christmas Eve, Joshua. I'll go home and you stay. But I'd love to come back in the morning, if it's okay."
"You'll do nothing of the kind, young man!" Said my Step-Mom. "Unless you are claustrophobic, you can sleep in Josh and James's room. I'm sure we can fit another cot in there."
"We can't, mom," Said Nate, "But I'll sleep on the floor. I found out at the Point that I can sleep standing up if I have to. A carpeted floor will be no challenge."
Morty was uncomfortable sleeping with James, so he asked for the cot. Nate, as promised, got the floor. The padded carpet with a sleeping bag isn't exactly like camping out!
Some time in the night, my dreams were very vivid and in the morning Nate was spooned back into me, and my arm was over his side, caressing his chest. He was straddling my very painful morning wood. (Hey! It was bent the wrong way!) I extricated myself and went to relieve it. I passed my brother on the way back.
"Sorry, I was really uncomfortable on the floor. Even though the rug was soft enough, it was so cramped, I could hardly move. I maybe should have got in on James's side, but I wasn't comfortable with that.
"Then when you immediately grabbed me and pulled me back, I was a happy man. But then when I whispered to you, you just snorted and moaned a little, so I figured you weren't really with it. I hope I didn't mess anything up." He whispered.
"How could that have messed anything up?"
"As soon as I was settled in your embrace, your friend woke up and went to the bathroom. When he came back, he stared at us for a few moments before going back to his cot."
"Oh well!" I said.
"Is that all?"
"Well, um -- hey we can talk later, you're sportin' a pretty good boner out here in the open. Better take care of that! We don't want one of those younger boys to go cross eyed or something!"
"Yeah -- your right. If it was you, they'd go blind!" He giggled and went to the toilet.
When I got back, Morty was grinning up at me. "What?" I said -- as if I had no idea.
"Can we go out to the couch -- in the living room?"
"Sure! That'll be the best vantage point when the other boys get up anyway." I said.
He grabbed his blanket, and I took Nate's sleeping bag. That meant he would have to get in my place in the bed, but that bed's big enough -- it shouldn't be a problem.
We sat on the love seat, but were each wrapped separately. The Christmas tree was overflowing with gifts. It looked like a fairyland. (Heh! I guess with us in the room, it really was!)
"You really love your brother, don't you?" Said Morty.
"Well -- yeah. Neither of us even knew we had a brother up until about a year and a half ago. Then to find out we were both gay, BEFORE we found out we were brothers ... that was a trip!"
"So -- were you a couple -- before you found out?"
"Well, we were room mates first. And about the time we decided we wanted to be more than roomies -- we found out we were brothers. That was before I was emancipated from my parents in California, so he thought he was too old for me and also as a real blood brother -- it freaked him out."
"What freaked him out -- sex?"
"No -- he still wants that. It just seems freaky to him to call his brother his -- lover -- I guess."
Hearing the hurt in my voice, Morty said, "Wow! That wounded you, I can tell! But -- in defense of your brother -- you know that I too was freaked out by our age difference. But now it doesn't seem so important. But if you were my brother - - I dunno -- it might be weird. But I have to say this: you guys looked so sweet there last night! I don't know if I should even tell you, but -- I did more than pee when I went to the bathroom. And I was seeing you and Nate while I did it!"
"What?" I grinned. You wanked yourself to visions of me and my brother?" I laughed. "In MY bathroom?"
"SHhh!" he grinned. "So -- if it was up to you -- you and Nate would be -- um -- together?"
"That's -- um -- not quite fair. Because it's NOT up to me."
"But -- if I'm understanding this, he still wants to fool around -- just not be called a couple."
"He calls it brother's privilege". I said. "When he was dating a guy -- seriously - at the Point -- he said that he reserved the privilege to play with his brother."
"And -- that was okay with his boyfriend?"
"They're no longer together." I said.
"Yeah, but -- oh! Do you think Nate told him?"
"I dunno. Maybe I have a different viewpoint -- because my stepfather was doing me at 8 -- and my mother knew about it! But if no kids are involved -- I see no problem with brothers ... sisters -- or even a brother AND a sister -- as long as they don't have kids."
"So -- are you still hoping that your brother may change his mind?"
"I don't think there's a chance of that."
"And -- does he still reserve privileges -- with you?"
"Now there's something we don't exactly agree on. I think that if he is with a guy -- he should be true to only that guy."
"Yeah -- I'm pretty sure the other guy would agree -- speaking as -- the other guy!"
"Wha - at?" I said.
"Oh, I'm not making any assumptions. But if we -- were to -- get together -- I'd probably not want - "
"I wouldn't! I couldn't be doing two guys at once."
As soon as I said that, Morty relaxed. I didn't even realize he wasn't relaxed!
We were almost asleep again -- each in his own thoughts when My dad got the other boys up! "Looks like Santa Claus found you guys! Up an at `em!"
That woke both of us up again. We giggled that the toilet flushed 3 times before they appeared. Three very sleepy eyed boys walked around the corner from the hall. They looked at the Christmas tree, with a bank of gifts piled on each wall of the corner the tree was in, as well as under the tree.
When everyone was gathered in the living room, dad handed the red and white cap to James. "James -- will you be our Santa this year?"
James knew there were gifts for the boys, but was surprised and pleased that there were gifts under the tree for him, as well. He had put something for everyone -- except of course Morty, but even Morty was not left out. There was a gift from the family there for him, too. What surprised everyone the most -- besides the three brothers -- was that there was a gift for every person -- including the three brothers -- from Morty. He and dad must have done some extra shopping last night.
Mom had pre-prepared a Christmas morning breakfast with lots of goodies, and all she had to do was put it all out and then scramble some eggs and reheat the bacon. After breakfast, Morty said he better go.
"Why?" I said. "Where will you go?"
"Oh -- seeing your family here -- such a diverse bunch of people -- all getting along -- I thought maybe I'd go home -- I mean -- to my parents house -- and -- well -- see what happens. "
"So -- will I see you later, maybe?" I said, with a knowing grin. "I wanted to -- um -- see more of your place. We WERE supposed to stay there last night ... remember?"
"Yeah, but -- I mean -- I think you ought to stay here and spend some time with your brother."
"But - "
"Seeing you with him last night told me a lot. You need to work out whatever is necessary with him. If he decides that you can be a couple, then maybe that's what you want."
"That's not gonna happen. He - "
"Joshua -- in any case, he will be here a short time before going back to the Point. If you are sure when he leaves -- about you and him -- and can give yourself to me -- at least for awhile -- I'd love that. But I don't want to come between two brothers and ... I definitely can't justify sharing you with anyone."
"Aw, Cmon, Mor - "
"Look -- we'll see each other in the locker room in any case, after practices start up again. I WANT to be your boyfriend. But -- you need to get clear of this thing with Nate. Okay?"
"Well, as far as I'm concerned it's - "
"Just give it a week, Joshua -- just a week."
I couldn't withhold the chagrinned look. "Okay." I stepped outside and kissed him good bye, then watched as he walked to his Vette. He waved and took off.
What made me most chagrinned was ... I knew he was right! I sat on the front steps. I heard the fun happening just on the other side of the door. I didn't feel much like joining in at the moment. The door opened. Nate sat beside me.
"You okay, Babe?" He asked. I half looked his way and half made an attempt at a half smile. He continued, "Obviously not. I screwed things up for you last night didn't I?" I shrugged. "I'm sorry , Josh. Is there anything I can do -- to make it better?"
I didn't want to talk while I was feeling so shitty. "C'mon, Joshy -- talk to me!" He put his arm around my shoulders.
I folded my arms. "My grandfather -- well, he's not my grandfather ... the ass hole father of my ass hole step-father -- used to use an expression, that all of a sudden makes sense to me. He used to tell Dennis to `poop or get off the pot'."
"Yeah -- and -- um -- what - - "
"That's what we need to do, Nate. I don't expect anyone that I would want -- to accept -- that I get special privileges with my brother." I then turned to him and looked at him in his eyes. "And I don't think it's fair of you to expect a guy to let you do that." I couldn't stop a tear from rolling down my face. "I love you, Nate, but ..."
"I've been thinking a lot about this too, Bro. I even talked to Dad about it."
"You what?!!"
"For the record -- he agrees with you."
"Huh?!"
"Our dad is -- um -- a practical guy. He thinks things through -- logically. He said almost the exact things you did. He explained that the rules and even laws about not marrying a close relative were to prevent oddball children. But in the case of gays -- well -- it's just not an issue."
"Exactly!" I said, getting more animated.
"But he also said he understands how I feel -- uncomfortable -- with -- having my own brother for a partner."
"Well, anyway -- Morty doesn't want to share me -- with you. And -- I think Morty is -- well -- every guy out there."
"There HAS to be a guy that - "
"There probably is. But you know what? I'M not that guy. I wouldn't share my guy with anyone else. So I can't expect anyone else to."
"Yeah, I guess - - but - - "
"Nate -- there is no one in the world that I love more than you! Or anyone I've ever been closer to or wanted more!"
Well, that isn't quite true. I still can remember feeling this way -- or more -- about Richard. But I'm not about to tell that to Nate- right now -- and besides, that was when I was a little kid! How do I know if he even turned out gay!
"I know." Said my brother.
But the way he said it, it wasn't the kind of "I know" that means he knows I feel that way. It was the kind of "I know" that means he knows because he -- feels the same.
The next week was one of the longest weeks I could remember. I refused to play with Nate. This upset him -- a lot! But I know how sex confuses the mind -- and the body. I explained it to Nate. He didn't have the bad experience with that concept -- as I had.
"Hi." He said.
"Hi." I said.
"How are you doing?" He asked.
"Okay." I answered. "You?"
"Fine." And then Morty's very real superior maturity kicked in. "You wanna talk?"
As usual we were standing nude in the locker room, drying off. I lingered longer -- on purpose -- so I could see him. He glanced down my body.
"Good to see you." He smirked. I grinned. "Get dressed and we'll go somewhere and talk. Do you have any more classes?"
"I -- no!" a very thin lie.
"If you do -- I can wait. I'll see you in the library -- after your class."
He came to the library. "Call your mom." He said. At my querulous look, he said, "You won't be home for dinner tonight."
"Are we going back to your place?" I said.
"Maybe -- after dinner."
"Hi Dad." I said. "I won't be home for dinner. Yeah. Morty. Yeah. In the gym. Uh huh. Okay -- I will. I love you. Bye."
"Where are we going for dinner?"
"I know you like those biscuits at Red Lobster."
"I do!"
"Good. I like their lobster!" He laughed.
His Vette started up before we got to it. "I LOVE that feature!" He said. He explained that it won't go anywhere without the keys. "But I can start it from in the house, and by the time I get to it, it's nice and warm inside."
He again asked for the secluded table at the Red Lobster. I explained what I did -- the week after Christmas -- about denying my brother the sex that he craved. I reminded him about how he felt when we played -- how he thought he loved me and all. He remembered it well.
"You are one wise dude -- for a 15-year-old!" He grinned. He knew I'd be 16 the next week. "So -- when is your birthday?"
"Wednesday."
"We'll have to go out and do something."
"I'll be with my family that night."
"Of course." He said, a little chagrinned
"But you know that you're invited."
"So -- does turning 16 mean I won't have to be your chauffer any more."
"You never had to. I know the bus system very well." I chided.
"But -- you'll be able to drive -- right?"
"Yeah -- once I get my license. I haven't had much practice."
"Do you even have a learners permit?"
"Yes."
"Do you wanna drive to the Red lobster?"
"I can't. It has to be with someone over -- Oh! You Are over 18!" I grinned.
He gave me a disgusted look then threw me the keys to his brand new Corvette, and got in the passenger seat.
I drove kind of shakily out of the parking lot. This car is like a revolver with a feather-weight trigger. "Just let it idle out of the parking place." He admonished. "We don't want to end up underneath that jeep behind us!"
"I thought you liked the stick shift." I said. "Why'd you get an automatic?"
"I didn't want my boyfriend learning to drive a stick -- in my car!" He grinned. "Whoever that might turn out to be!"
At the Red Lobster, I told him more about Nate and me -- that we decided -- well, mostly it was I who decided -- that we should not play any more.
"Was that hard?"
"What do you think?" I said.
"I know you really loved your brother. Make that `love' your brother."
"Sometimes we have to do the hard thing." I said.
"What if he changes his mind?" asked Morty.
"He won't."
"But -- what if he does?"
"Then -- I won't."
"That's what I wanted to hear." He leaned in and kissed me -- ever as sweetly as I had taught him!
"How are your parents?" I asked.
"Still pissed."
"About?"
"I don't know where to start. About the only thing that they owned outright was the Saturn that I drove. It was never mine, so I gave it back to them when I bought the Vette."
"Are you gonna try again -- to go see them at their house?"
"They won't be living there much longer. I mean they're really pissed."
"Are you going to help them?" I asked.
"You know -- I'm not sure I'd be ready -- to help them -- even if I could. But that's one question I don't have to worry about. They couldn't have lived that lifestyle much longer anyway. They've pretty much spent most of my grandmothers endowment to me. I'll still have to make my own way in the world. But -- at least I have a house and my first car paid for!"
"Will they be all right?"
"I think so. They'll have to live on two university professors' salaries. That's better than what high school teachers make, but it's not exactly rich. But my mom's a good cook, and I know she'll find a way to still have her concerts. They lost the concert grand, but the baby grand was from my grandmother."
"Was that all they left her?"
"Not! They got a crap load more than I did. When that was gone, they started hitting mine up." He paused a moment to let that sink in -- more to him than to me. "Joshua - "
"Isn't that something? I interrupted.
"What?"
"All this time and -- I never told you -- those close to me call me Josh."
"Oh!" He said. Then I shall call you -- Josh -- EE. Joshy -- has a nice ring to it."
"Uh -- yeah -- it does." I said.
"You hate it!"
"No really I don't. It'll just take me -- a little time -- to get used to -- it."
I decided not to tell him that was what someone else called me. It felt too good, and I was pretty sure if I told him, he'd stop calling me that.
"Anyway, being with your family -- makes me want to keep trying -- with my parents. I think I can forgive them for what they did. Maybe they can forgive me too."
After dinner we went to his condo overlooking the lake. It was then I noticed that the furniture was the same as was in his little guest house next to his parents. It had a slightly used look to it, but it was still nice.
As soon as we were in the door, I jumped into his arms and wrapped my legs around him. He almost dropped me, we were laughing so hard. Once he was stable on his legs, he pecked my lips. "Were you gonna show me the bedroom?" I asked.
"It's not much. The bedroom furniture was the only thing in the guest house that was not paid for. All the rest was the old furniture that was theirs before they built the big house." He carried me into the bedroom and there was the mattress -- on the floor, and there were boxes with his clothing in them.
"Welcome to Rankowiscz manor!"
I wriggled free and went and flopped down on the mattress, splayed out in the most open position I could manage.
"You look so cute and -- vulnerable!"
"I am. Once you asked me to be gentle. I'll ask you the same -- now."
"You're still hurting from Nate -- aren't you."
"It was the hardest thing I ever had to do."
"I'll try to live up to that sacrifice -- for me -- and make it worthwhile."
Notes: Is it possible to "reclaim" a lost childhood -- if you're still a child? Comments are always welcome -- to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. thanks and ... Love, Steve