They filed across the stage, grinning and posing for their friends and families. Each of them filled with conflicting emotions and dreams. It was their final high school appearance; they left here with fond memories and experiences, and with dark memories and experiences, too. High School was such a tough time -- for everyone, students, parents and teachers. He shook hands with yet another graduate as he handed them their diploma, one after another after another, until they became a blur of faces and names, and his smile became somewhat stiff and pained.
His emotions were twirling, too. It was his last graduation at this high school. He was surprised by the confusion of feelings. He looked forward to the new job, the new career, and yet he found himself remembering this one with some fondness, even if overlaid with the exasperations and frustrations of being a public school administrator. It had been twenty-five years since he first came here, twenty-five long, lonely years.
He shook yet another hand, but this one wouldn't let go. "Thanks, Mr. Johnson, you've been really important to me." And suddenly he was enveloped by arms and academic gown. Jeff hugged him tightly, tears glistening in his eyes. "I wouldn't have made it without you, sir." He hugged Jeff back, a careful A-frame hug, all that was allowed by Board policy. He held him perhaps just a shade too long, remembering their history together, and realizing just how strongly he felt about this handsome boy. "You did it yourself, Jeff. I just helped by being there."
"No, sir, it was way more than that. But, I'm not going to argue with you. Thanks." And he was gone, down the stairs and into the crowd. Brian Johnson turned back to the next person in line, "Congratulations, son, I'm proud of you." And on, and on. Finally it finished, and he, too, descended into the crowd, joining them in the gymnasium for refreshments, speaking to parents, hugging the graduates. He slowly worked his way through the crowd out to the other end, went through the door and walked down the hall to his office. He went in and sat down without turning on the lights. He leaned back in his chair and twirled it around once, looking at the office, seeing everything without seeing anything, remembering. "I knew I'd find you here," came out of the darkness. He spun, surprised. "Jeff, what are you doing here?"
"I knew you'd be here. I knew you were leaving today, after the graduation, and I wanted to help."
"Shouldn't you be with your friends or family?" Instantly he regretted his words. He knew that Jeff didn't want to be with his family. He lifted his hand, as if trying to pluck the words out of the air. "Jeff ..."
"No, Mr. Johnson, I wanted to be here with you, to help you get stuff to your car and home. Can I help you take stuff out?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"OK."
They started picking up the already-packed boxes. As they reached his car, he realized he still had on his academic gown. He took it off and stuffed it into the car. They began piling in the remaining boxes, filling the back seat and then the trunk. Too soon it was over. They looked at each other. "Can I come with you and help put them away?" They got into the car and drove to his house, driving the car into the garage.
"Where do you want them, sir?"
"Jeff, you've graduated and I'm no longer the principal. Why don't you call me Brian?"
Jeff flushed and looked down. "Yes, sir, I mean, B-B-Brian." He looked up and smiled, tentatively, trying on adulthood. He reached forward with his hand and shook Brian's. "Hi, Brian, I'm Jeff." Brian laughed, delighted, and Jeff's smile got bigger. They began to unload the boxes, putting them up against the wall of the garage. Brian took his academic robes and shook them out. "Want to come in for a drink?" He opened the door into the house and Jeff followed him in. Brian hung up the robes in the closet and led the way into the kitchen. "What do you want, juice, coke, beer?" Jeff laughed. "Guess it's OK to offer me a beer now that I'm 18 and graduated. You're not my teacher anymore." "Nope, I'm not. Want a beer?" "Yup." Brian took out two beers and popped the lids. He gave one to Jeff and led the way out onto the back porch. They sat down together on the porch swing, slowly letting it move underneath them. An easy silence enveloped them as dusk turned into darkness.
"Brian, what are you going to do now?"
"Isn't that supposed to be my question?" responded Brian, "After all, I was the teacher and you are now the new graduate." Jeff looked at him sideways, noticed the little smile on his face and smiled right back, a big grin breaking out his own face. "But you're not my teacher anymore; you're a friend, so I get to ask you the question." Jeff looked at Brian.
"Well, I got offered a job at one of the universities and I accepted. So I'll be teaching there come the fall."
"Why did you want to change jobs?"
Brian sighed, "It's a long story, but basically I just felt I wanted to move on. I taught in the public schools for just a little over 20 years and I was tired." He sighed again, knowing that he couldn't tell Jeff about being gay, about being alone, and about wanting to stop hiding. He'd loved being with the kids, but he was kind of tired of only being a surrogate father; he wanted to be someone's lover, too.
They swung in silence for a while, the shadows deepening, light coming through the window behind them.
"Brian, I never told you how much I appreciated everything you did for me in high school, I ...," Jeff ground to a halt, overcome by his own emotions. Was this a leave-taking? Brian didn't want that. "You were great. When my dad got so mad at me when I told him, I thought I was going to kill myself. There didn't seem to be much left to go on for -- my dad hated me, my boyfriend decided he liked girls better than me, my friends didn't talk to me -- it was pretty bad. That day in the hall when you just reached out and hugged me, well, that was the day I'd decided to end it." He trailed off into the silence, looking down at his hands, sneakers, anything but at the man sitting beside him, overwhelmed by the memories; he played with the can in his hands.
"Jeff, look at me." A hand came out of the darkness and grasped his chin, lifting and turning it towards Brian. "I told you then, and I'll tell you now; you're a bright, good-looking guy. There's nothing wrong with being gay. You've got your whole life ahead of you. You'll find some other bright, good-looking guy at college and the two of you will have a great life together. Believe that." Brian reached over and hugged Jeff, hard, trying to communicate through touch that he truly loved Jeff and believed in him, wanting to take away the hurt he still saw in Jeff's eyes.
Jeff hugged him back, fiercely, the cans of beer having somehow gotten to the side tables. He wanted Brian to know how he felt, too. Tears started rolling down his cheek, and the hug turned into something else, something far more comforting as Brian began stroking his hair and back. As the tears stopped, Jeff felt Brian's thumb on his cheek, wiping them away. He leaned back a little and looked Brian in the eyes. "You're going to be OK, Jeff. You really will. I have faith in you." Jeff felt so safe there, with Brian's arms around him. Suddenly, he tightened his own arms, leaned forward and kissed Brian, a deep kiss, an emotion-filled kiss, a kiss filled with gratitude and thanks, and in a few seconds, an adult kiss.
"Whoa." Brian pulled back and dropped his arms, seeming to retreat into himself. "Jeff, you're all those things I said, but we can't do this. I'm your te..." He began to struggle to get away. Jeff pulled him closer, "No, you're not. We already established that. You're not my teacher anymore. I'm not your student anymore. I'm over 18 and an adult. And I'm not a virgin. I know what I want. And I want you." Brian stopped struggling. "Oh, Jeff ..." he sighed, overcome by his own inner turmoil.
Jeff let go and got up. Then he surprised Brian completely by seating himself in Brian's lap. "Brian, I've loved you for a long time. But I thought you were straight, unapproachable. I dreamed about you at night, and I loved when you paid attention to me at school. Whatever was going on at home, I knew you were there for me. Somehow, I knew that you loved me. And it was that which kept me going through all the struggles. I just didn't know how you felt, and, I just couldn't ask you. But that kiss, wow. Now I know."
"Jeff, yes, I do love you, but like a father with a son. I'm twenty years older than you!"
Jeff leaned forward and kissed him again. "Shut-up, old man. If you love me like a father with a son why is there this big lump under my ass?"
Brian looked at him, shocked. He didn't know whether he was shocked because this guy, his former student, had just told him to shut-up, or because he'd called him an old man, or because Jeff was right, there was a big lump under his ass. He knew deep inside that he had always been attracted to the kid, but he hadn't let himself think about it. It was wrong, for all sorts of reasons -- not least of which was because he was so deeply hidden in his own closet. Jeff laughed aloud. "When was the last time someone told you to shut-up, old man?"
"I'm not an old man," he weakly responded. "I'm still under 40." Jeff laughed again, and leaned forward and kissed him, again. Brian's arms came up and went around Jeff. He pulled Jeff into him and began to kiss him deeply. Jeff responded with great enthusiasm and delight.
"Now we've both got lumps, Jeff."
"Want to show me the rest of the house?"
"Yes, oh gawd, yes, but I'm not going to."
"Why not?"
"Because this is going to take some getting used to. I need to get to know you as an adult, I need to get used to thinking of you as an adult. And, well, I need to get used to being out again."
"Again?"
"Yes, again. I was pretty out back East at college. Then I got this job in the Mid-west and I quickly went back into the closet. I haven't been involved with anyone for a long time, and this is going to take some adjusting."
"So ... ?"
"So, we need to slow down, no, I need to slow down. Can you live with that?"
"I was kind of hoping we could hurry things up now."
"No. I need to slow down. Can we take the summer to get to know each other again, as adults instead of teacher and student? Can we just use this summer to begin to work things out?"
Jeff realized that he was beginning to whine. He shook his head, took a deep breath. "OK, but I'm not going back to step one. I want to get to know you -- a lot better." He wriggled his ass against the lump in Brian's groin. "A lot, lot better." Brian jerked his hips automatically, responding to the overt stimulation. "OK, Jeff, OK. We'll use the summer to get to know each other better." Jeff grinned, wriggled and slowly got up. "Good."
It was going to be a long, hot summer.