Unassuming Polly Pickles finds a visit to the dentist can be quite a laugh...
GETTING THE GIGGLES
(A Story of Alternative Dentistry)
I was the only person left in the dentist's waiting room. The last appointment of the day I guessed. I had already leafed through most of the dog-eared magazines that were strewn about the coffee table. I'd been nervous enough as it was, without this dreadful waiting, the delays, waiting for my name to be called. This was my first appointment since moving out on my own. I'd recently acquired a nice little flat right in the centre of town - handy for shops, restaurants etc.
There was no avoiding it - my regular six-monthly check-up was already two months overdue. After scanning the yellow pages for a local practice, I had finally settled on a certain Dr Joanne Smiley, D.D.S. She was the only female dentist in the area, and ever since my last one, a right `lech' by the name of Phil McCavity, had taken the liberty of feeling my boobs on the pretence of wiping me down, I felt I just couldn't trust male dentists anymore.
The surgery door opened and a petite lady, no more than five feet tall, poked her head through and looked around. The tag on her nurse's tunic said 'Karen'.
"Doctor Smiley will see you now, Miss Pickles." The brunette smiled. Oh well, at least they seemed friendly here.
I put the fashion magazine back on the table and smoothed my white cotton skirt. I took a deep breath and followed Karen into the operating room, thinking how nicely her black seamed stockings contrasted to her crisp, clean white nurse's attire.
She showed me to the reclining chair and asked me to sit and make myself comfortable. I lay back and luxuriated on the cool leather, which felt sticky against my lightly perspiring wrists. My God, why did I get so nervous about dentists? It was only going to be a simple check-up and I rarely had to have anything done, anyway. All my family had been blessed with good teeth, but I still felt uneasy whenever I had an appointment.
I noticed Karen looking at my legs. It seemed my skirt had ridden up quite a long way and this was amusing her.
"Oh dear, that always happens," she giggled. "Here, let me sort you out." She tugged the hem of my skirt back down again, smoothing it down over my thighs. As she did this my body responded with a start.
"Oops! Sorry. You're not ticklish by any chance, are you?"
"Very," I replied, maintaining a breezy attitude.
"Good," Karen smiled. "That's something, anyway." She allowed her eyes to roam over my body.
"I'll just pop next door and let Doctor Smiley know you're ready for her."
Did I detect just a hint of mischief in those big brown eyes? And what about that strange remark -- `That's something, anyway?'
Karen disappeared through a side door, leaving it slightly ajar. Almost immediately I heard laughing and another female voice - Dr Smiley, I presumed.
I looked around me. The room was much like any other dentist's I supposed. The smell of mouthwash, various surgical instruments scattered on trays to the side of me, the big elbow-jointed spotlight above me radiating heat. I felt a bit hot myself. Probably just my nerves, I supposed.
I had on my high-collared work blouse, very conservative. I felt a bit constrained by it and knowing I was in a man-free environment, loosened the top two buttons. A waft of cool air from the open window gently played across the tops of my breasts making me feel a little better.
There was more giggling and hushed talk from the other room, the two different female voices alternating with each other. Then suddenly there was raucous laughter followed by tittering again. What the hell were they talking about? Although the door had been left slightly ajar, I couldn't quite make out what they were saying. At least the atmosphere here seemed pleasant enough. I began to relax.
It was then that I noticed something strange about the chair I was in. There appeared to be some extra bits attached to it. I studied the attachments on the arms of the chair that were right in line with my wrists. They appeared to be like short, semi-circular pieces of tubing, rather like steel collars, which were pivoted and out-turned at right-angles to the arm.
A fantastic thought then occurred to me.
I imagined that these things, these `collars' as it were, could be swivelled back in line with the arm of the chair and would then fit neatly over a person's wrist, like a clamp...Hey, what if..? Could they possibly be..?
My God, that was exactly what they were - a pair of clamps to lock your wrists in place and hold you down while Joanne Smiley went about her work? Surely she wasn't so clumsy she had to clamp you down? Just how painful was this check-up going to be? My imagination began to run riot as panic returned. God, I was so fickle. Calm down, Polly -- for heaven's sake -- you're being irrational as usual -- in this case, probably more so.
I remembered one time when I was a young girl my dentist had touched a nerve with his prodding-thing and I had nearly hit the ceiling. Perhaps these extra fittings were just a precaution to stop people fidgeting about when she was doing something tricky; or from jumping out of your skin perhaps, if she happened to touch a nerve.
I had heard a story about a patient at my old practice who lashed out and struck her dentist in the face when his drill had slipped. I suddenly felt a twinge in one of my back teeth. Ouch!
I heard more laughter next door and began to wonder if they had forgotten about me. It was then that I noticed that there was also a pair of similar clamps, only larger in diameter, at the foot of my chair, just about where my ankles were. Surely not... My heart began pounding again and I felt a bead of sweat trickle down from my forehead. I supposed patients sometimes kicked out as well. Well, they did - didn't they..?
At last the door opened. Karen was followed in by a tall young woman. She looked ravishing, even in her white working tunic. Her thick red hair was gathered into a long ponytail.
"Hi, Polly, I'm Dr Smiley, er...Joanne." She was smiling in a relaxed, friendly way, but with a suggestion of playfulness. There was no indication as to what the two women had found so amusing while they had been next door, but I felt certain some kind of collusion was going on between them.
"Hello," I said. "I thought you had forgotten about me."
"Oh no, we wouldn't do that; would we Karen?" Joanne said, glancing across at her assistant. I wasn't certain, but I thought I saw them exchange a wink.
"I'm sorry," I said, "But I'm a bag of nerves when it comes to dentists."
"There's no need to worry," said Joanne. "I'm very gentle - we both are, and anyway, judging by your treatment record, you're teeth are pretty much A1. I see that you've only ever had three fillings in your life, the last one was er...let me see..." She picked up my treatment card again and glanced at it. "Mmm, here we are -- four years ago. That's amazing."
"Even so..."
"Relax, I'm only going to have a quick look around."
Joanne laid her hand on my arm and squeezed gently. Or did I imagine it?
"We're great believers in mixing business with pleasure, aren't we, Karen."
"Oh, I should say so. We find it helps the medicine go down. We always say, a happy patient is - a satisfied patient!"
"I must say you all seem very nice."
"We like to think so," said Joanne. "You'll find us very `user-friendly' here.
"That's what I was hoping. I'm new to the area and still trying to settle in -- find my way around."
"You'll soon do that. We're a happy bunch."
Joanne began preparing some instruments while Karen busied herself with some filing -- patients' records no doubt.
"Now Karen here, she's just plain crazy, a right chatterbox. I sometimes wonder how we get any work done at all. And of course, there's Daisy on reception. She's such a sweet old lady. And she's so with-it. Loves her crosswords, bless her."
"Yes, I'd heard that you're an all-female practice. That's what appealed to me. I had a rather unpleasant experience with a male dentist once."
"Oh, don't tell me -- the old `wandering hand' trouble was it?
"Actually, yes. How did you know?"
"I've met a few myself - at Dentists Training College -- they could never keep their hands to themselves. They all seem to think they're God's gift. What did you do -- knee him in the balls?"
Joanne chuckled and looked at Karen who laughed. I was starting to feel better again.
"Oh no, nothing like that. I gave him a piece of my mind though."
"Good girl. Now, open wide. Let's have a look at the crown jewels."
Joanne adjusted the lamp and I focused on her `prodder'. It sparkled in the light as she homed in on my mouth. Then I looked into her eyes as she concentrated on the inspection. They were a beautiful sea-green colour, flecked with brown. A strange feeling washed over me. Her pure skin looked untouched by sunlight, but she had a warm glow of youthful vitality in her cheeks. I became fascinated by the way the tip of her tongue poked out between her lips while she concentrated. It made me feel all tingly.
She started prodding around, saying, "Mmm, that looks fine...that one's okay...uh-hmm...mmm...Oh, hang on - what have we here..?"
"Oh no...What?"
"Well, I must say I'm surprised - a couple of little cavities on the upper deck. I can take care of them right now if you'd like."
Oh, horror of horrors. That's all I needed.
"Er...well, I could make another appointment, if you like."
"It's no trouble, Polly. It really won't take a moment. Best to get it all done in one visit. Save you a journey."
"I don't mind coming back, honest."
What a coward I was. I even started to get up but Joanne pushed me back down again, gently but firmly. Karen assisted by holding my ankles down. This was the most unusual treatment I had ever experienced. Joanne, keeping one hand firmly on my shoulder, moved behind me and got something.
"Don't worry, Polly, I specialise in painless dentistry. In fact, I don't even use injections."
I saw Karen step on something on the floor and heard a little click, like something snapping into place. She let go of my ankles but I couldn't move them... or my arms, for that matter. It was then that I realised she'd just operated the gadgets on the chair and clamped me down. Those metal collars had snapped into position over my wrists and ankles. I was now their prisoner. I felt my eyes widen with terror and the next thing I knew, Joanne was holding a small plastic mask over my mouth. I felt myself begin panic, my breath coming in quick, little gasps. Those masks are so claustrophobic. I really hate them.
"No," I yelled in terror, my voice muted inside the plastic cup of the mask. "I don't want to - What are you doing?"
"Don't struggle. You're not going anywhere, I'm just going to give you a whiff of gas. That should get rid of your nerves and you'll feel better. In fact you'll probably feel a little giggly."
Very comforting, I thought, hyperventilating inside the mask.
"The clamps are for your own protection as well as ours," said Karen, removing my shoes.
"I'm just going to elevate your legs a little," said Joanne, "to increase the flow of blood to your head. That will enable the gas to take effect faster."
The chair's electric motor whirred and I felt myself being tipped at an angle, so that my head was lower than my feet. I could feel my skirt riding up again. I heard Joanne flick a switch and almost immediately heard a slight hissing sound. I began to feel light-headed. I was way past caring about the amount of leg I was showing. Well, we were all girls together, weren't we? Do you know, I was beginning to feel quite carefree. Hey, this gas stuff was great. I was feeling kind of happy. What was happening to my super-sensitive nerves?
Looking down as best I could, I saw that my hem was well above mid-thigh by now, partly exposing the white cotton bikini briefs I had on. I saw Karen reach for my skirt and I assumed she was going to restore my dignity like before. But I was mistaken. She simply raised it a bit more and passed her hand lightly across the insides of my thighs. My legs jerked involuntarily at her touch. I couldn't help it, but I started giggling, just like Joanne had suggested. I felt all squiffy and rather silly, but I didn't care any longer.
"I told you she was ticklish, Jo," Karen said, her eyes bright with mischief.
Joanne removed the mask from my face and smiled at me. "I think that's enough funny air, don't you? How do you feel now?"
I was still giggling, but I didn't know what at. But I managed to say, "I feel all drunk...hee-hee...You've got me all merry and silly...ha-ha...you naughty pair."
"Good. Now, how about a bit of fun, Miss Polly Pickles? Shall we see just how ticklish she really is, Karen."
"What a good idea," Karen replied.
Then I remembered why I was here. "Wh-what about...tee-hee...my fillings?"
"What fillings?" Joanne teased. "Your teeth are perfect. I was only kidding you. I've never seen such a beautiful set."
I laughed raucously.
"We've obviously got her in the right mood, Karen," said Joanne, "so let's get to work. Give Daisy a call, no point in her hanging around. Tell her she can go home early. We can manage now."
"I like Daisy...ha-ha-ha," I garbled. "She's such a sweet lady -- good at crosswords..."
Karen took her hand off my thigh and went to the desk and picked up the phone to talk to Daisy. Dr Smiley meanwhile, was undoing the rest of my blouse buttons.
"I wonder how much tickling she can really stand?" Joanne said, pulling my blouse away from my shoulders. "This is always the best bit - not knowing how they're going to take it. Better close the window, Karen. I think it's going to get quite noisy in here very soon. We don't want people outside to get the wrong impression, do we? We are a dentist's after all -- even if it is an unusually happy one."
You know, something - at that particular moment in time I found it pretty hard to disagree with Dr Joanne Smiley and her little minx of an assistant.
The End