DISCLAIMER: This story is not for those under the age of 18 years (21 in some areas). It includes discriptions of male/male sexual acts. This story includes celebrity persona; however, it is not meant to imply or suggest the sexual orientation of those celebrities.
------------------- Getting Reaquainted ------------------- by Neil My e-mail address is SilverNeil@hotmail.com ICQ # 49278358
Part XVIII ----------
I woke up half an hour ago. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to face the world. I don't want to face him. Although I don't know why; it is his fault and his problem. I hate this so much. I want to just get on with our lives and forget anything happened. But I know we can't do that. I drag myself out of bed and into my bathroom. A quick shower does little to diminish this sense of exhaustion. Mental exhaustion. I've been from one end of the emotional scale to the other in just a little over a week.
As I pull a shirt over my head, the telephone rings. "Hello?"
Nick: "Morning, Chris! Breakfast in my room! Get your butt over here!" And he hangs up. I guess he hopes to make me more cheerful by sounding like a complete loon. I laugh at the thought. (And I guess it's working a little.)
Nick opens the door after I knock. Howie, AJ, and Kevin have already dug into the food. AJ mumbles something like "good morning" through a full mouth. Food sprays out of his mouth onto his shirt, which makes us all laugh. I grab a plate and pile on some food. I didn't get dinner last night, so I'm starving.
"Alright, guys, normal concert-day schedule. You have dress rehearsal at 1, then the concert starts at 8." They all nod. There's a knock at the door. Nick gives a confused look, then gets up to answer it. Brian. Nick doesn't say anything when he sees it's Brian.
Brian smiles and says, "Can I get some breakfast?"
Nick replies, "What if we don't want you here?" It would look like Nick just told Brian that he hated him, or shot him. Brian's face fell after hearing these words from his best friend's mouth.
I stand and say, "What if I_do want him here?" Nick turns to look at me, a little bit of shock showing on his face. I look in Nick's eyes. I hope I can make him understand that I want to get through this. Nick nods and moves aside, pulling his arm up in the air to show Brian in. Brian hesitantly walks in and grabs a plate and some food. I scoot to the middle of the couch to leave him a place to sit beside me. Kevin, who is at my other side, looks at me like I'm insane. I remind Brian of the day's schedule.
Minutes later, I'm out of juice. I noticed that Brian forgot to get a drink, so while I pour myself a refill, I pour a glass for him as well. As I sit back down, I put his glass next to his plate on the coffee table. "Here ya go." I smile and continue eating.
I hear Brian start crying. I look at him. His face is getting red, and his eyes are watering. He puts his head in his hands and loudly says, "I don't deserve you." He gets up from the couch and leaves the room.
"But, Bri" My words are cut off by the sound of the slamming door. I close my eyes and lower my head. "What is happening? What went wrong? I don't understand all of this."
Kevin's voice sounds from beside me. "Chris, I don't understand YOU."
Before he can continue, Nick cuts him off. "Yeah. How could you be so nice to that asshole after what he did to you?"
My head shoots up, and I give him a look. "Don't call him that. You're talking about my boyfriend and your best friend. We all know he's not that person." The moment the words came out of my mouth, I wondered if they were true. Is he that person? Is he the person who cheated on me?
Howie asks, "Are you going to go talk to him?"
"I don't know. What do you all think?" I look to them for answers.
AJ says, "I think you should."
Nick says, "I don't."
Kevin asks me, "Are you really willing to just forget what happened?"
"No, I'm not going to forget it. I just need to move on. The way I see it, there are only two options. One: I leave. Two: We get through this. And since I don't think anybody wants the first..." I look at them all, and they all shake their heads 'no'. "...the second will have to do. I want to get past this before it does any more, and worse, damage. Not only to my and Brian's relationship, but the group as well." I get some confused looks. "Like Nick." His head pops up when he hears his name. "I don't know why you're so mad at him, Nick. You're more upset about this than I am. I really hate to see this come between two people who are so close. You and Brian are the best of friends. I don't want you to be mad at him any more."
Nick lets the words sink in. "Chris, I can't just forgive him. I thought Brian was the kindest, nicest, just the best person somebody could be. He is my best friend, and I just think so much of him. Now I see that I am wrong, and it just hurts me to see he's like that." I nod my head in understanding. "But if you are willing to forgive Brian, I guess I can too."
Howie says, "I think we'll all have to. Chris is right: this has to be stopped before it affects the group."
I stand and head towards the door. "Well guys, wish me luck." I don't even wait for an answer.
::knock, knock::
Brian's voice comes from behind the door. "Please leave me alone."
"No, I won't." I hear him get up off of his bed and come over to the door. The chain lock and the bolt are undone, and the door opens.
"Chris, I didn't expect you to come here." He wipes his eyes.
"Well I did. May I come in?"
"Yeah, sure." He moves to the side to let me in. I immediately take a seat at the table. I pull out a chair beside me for him to sit.
"Brian, I...I want you to know that I want to move past this. Like I told the guys, I can't forget it, but I am willing to forgive you."
A smile crosses his face. "Christopher, I'm really glad you said that, but I don't deserve it. What I did was stupid and wrong. I'm a horrible person." More tears.
I reach over and wipe his eyes. Then I take his chin and force him to look at me. "No, you are not a horrible person. We all know you're not that person. I talked to the guys, and they're all willing to forgive you too."
He sniffles. "I was so hurt when ::sniffle:: I saw how mad at me they were. But it was the fact ::sniffle:: that I hurt you that I couldn't take. I can't bear for you to hate me." ::sniffle::
"Brian, I don't hate you. I never could. Yeah, they were really mad at you, and so was I. But I said I want to get past this, and I do. Brian, I forgive you." I grab his hand and give it a slight squeeze.
"Thank you. But I can't forgive myself. I know our marriage isn't legal, but I like to think that we're married in the eyes of God. And I committed adultery. I hurt you so much, and I hurt the other guys. I can't forgive myself." He gets up from the table and walks towards the other side of the room, but he collapses to his knees halfway there. I get up and walk to the door. I look at him one more time, crying in the middle of his room, then I walk out.
I go back to Nick's room. When I walk in, they all look at me. "Well, I forgave him, but he's still beating himself up. I hate to see him like that."
Nick shakes his head. "You are so unreal." I can tell he still harbours a bit of angst against Brian. There's nothing I can do about that, so I won't even try.
Howie says, "Chris, just give him time. Knowing Brian, he'll get over himself in a few days."
Kevin comes up behind me and pats my shoulder. "Yeah, you've done everything you can. Don't worry about it."
"Well, what are we all going to do until rehearsal?" asks AJ.
I say, "I'm going to my room. Call me if you all decide to go out or before rehearsal or whenever." They all nod.
I fall onto my bed and stare up at the ceiling. Maybe Nick is right: maybe I am being too nice and forgiving. A poem comes to mind:
"When all the nights are cold/And my only warmth came from your arms/You're gone/And I miss you/As I walk down the road alone/And my only company was you/You're gone/And I miss you/I live my life frowning/And my only laughter came from you/You're gone/And I miss you/In this world of hate/My only love was you/You're...." I cannot complete the poem. The tears stream from my eyes.
"I'm not gone." The sound of his voice surprises me. I look over to see him standing in the doorway. "You didn't close the door all the way, so I just...." He is crying too. I scoot over to one side of the bed and pat the bed beside me. "Are you sure, Christopher?"
"Yes, Brian, please lay with me." He shuffles over and lays on the bed, facing me. I turn to my side to face him. We look in each others' eyes. "This is the first time in way too long we've been in the same bed." We both smile. "I've really missed this. I think this is the time we're the closest. Not hanging out with the guys. Not when we make love. I believe that when it's just the two of us, Brian and Chris, this is the time I love the most. I've really missed you, Brian Thomas Littrell. And I...I love you." I raise my hand to the side of his face. I hesitate a little, my hand floating beside his face. Then I lower it and stroke his face. He closes his eyes and smiles.
"I missed you too. I love you too. Christopher...I know I've said it a thousand things, but I really, truly am sorry."
I suddenly bring my hand over his mouth. "Shut up. I want to go to sleep." And we did.
Again, the telephone wakes me up. "Yeah?"
It's AJ. "Hey, Chris, it's time for rehearsal. But we have a slight emergency."
"What is it?"
"We don't know where Brian is." I turn over to see where he was sleeping. He's not there.
"Shit! He was in here with me, but now he's gone!"
"There with you?! What happened?"
I sighed. "It was great, AJ. I think I finally" Just then, the door to the bathroom opens, and Brian walks out dressed for rehearsal. "Oh, AJ, he was in the bathroom. We'll be right out....bye." I fall back onto the bed. "Oh, yeah, I really missed all the calls, all the meetings, all the rushing, etceteras, etceteras, etceteras." We both chuckle.
Brian comes over to sit beside me on the bed. I sit up. "You know what I missed most?" He puts a hand on my neck and leans in to kiss me. I turn my head away from him and close my eyes. "What is it?"
"Brian, I can't. It...it still hurts." His hand slips from my neck. I turn to face him again. He is hanging his head and nodding. I can tell he's on the verge of tears. And so am I. I guess I'm not as ready to move on as I thought I was. I get out of the bed, grab some clothes from the closet, and go into the bathroom.
I look at myself in the mirror. My countenance has changed. I don't look like somebody who gets to travel the world (for free), which is most peoples' dream. I don't look like someone who has the world's biggest pop group for best friends. I don't look like somebody who has found the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I don't look happy.
I shake myself out of my trance and changes clothes. I quickly do my hair. I leave the bathroom to find Brian sitting at the table with his head in his hands. "Brian...."
He stands quickly. "No, let's just go to rehearsal." He opens my door and walks out. I grab my cell phone and keys, and I follow him out.
We join the others at the elevator. The elevator opens. As we all step into it, Nick grabs Brian's arm and tells us, "Brian and I will get the next one." We all nod. Brian has a confused look on his face. The elevator doors close, and the four of us descend towards the lobby.
-----Nick and Brian-----
"Brian, I'm sorry about this morning. And I'm sorry that I yelled at you yesterday and that I've been really mean to you."
"You don't have to apologize, Frack. I deserved it. I still can't believe I did that to him, to you all. I should be the one apologizing. I'm sorry I hurt you like this, Nick."
Nick doesn't say anything. Instead, he hugs Brian.
-----The Lobby-----
"They better make this quick, or we'll be late." AJ, Howie, and I all give Kevin mean looks when he says this. "Oh, sorry. I'm just in that 'Mr.Responsible' mood." He gives us a forced, teethy smile.
Nick and Brian step off of the elevator, both smiling. Good, I'm glad that went well. I say, "Alright, guys, let's get goin'." We all file out to the limo, bypassing a large group of fans.
I can tell Brian isn't concentrating. He's messed up the dance sequence to 'Larger Than Life' three times now. And it's only the first song. Fatima doesn't look too happy. I'm surprised she's here; she usually doesn't leave her studios. She's telling them to go on break now. Kevin, Howie, and AJ aren't happy about this either. Those three head backstage, and Nick talks to some of the dancers. Brian goes to one side of the stage to sulk by himself. I get up from my seat and go up to him.
"Brian, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. But I can tell you that you're not exactly the most popular person right now, and not because of...the other night."
He says angrily, "I know that! I just can't do it. My head is in a thousand different places." Tears come to his eyes, and he turns away from me. "I can't...."
I take his head and turn it to me. Then, surprising even myself, I slap him. He turns his head back to me with a shocked look on his face. I point a finger in his face. "Brian Littrell, I don't know what the hell has gotten into you. I got past it, and I hope you can fucking do the same thing. Now put your head in the right place before you fuck everything up." I storm away from him. I just head backstage, not really sure where backstage I'm going.
I come to a doorway that leads to some stairs. I go up the stairs and through another door. I'm on the catwalk of the arena. Aah, heights and danger, this is more like it. I look down to see the other Boys and the dancers come out onto the stage. Kevin has a few words with Brian, then Fatima comes out and tells them to take their places. This time, the song goes without a hitch. Good.
"Hey!" The voice behind me scares me. As I quickly turn around to see who it is, my foot slips from the metal flooring. I fall through the space between the banister and the floor, but by some miracle I manage to catch myself. "Shit!" The owner of the voice yells out. I look down at the rather lengthy fall below me. I'm hanging on to the metal for dear life (and this time it's not a cliche). But my hands are slipping. My palms are sweaty, and that's not a good thing when I'm trying to hang on.
"CHRIS!!" Brian yells when he sees me. The yell pierces my heart. I can't leave this way. I can't let go. I have to hang on. For me, for Brian. The man on the catwalk finally appears above me and grabs my arms. He pulls me up back onto the catwalk. We both lay there motionless, breathing heavily. My heart is thumping quickly and forcefully. Then blackness.
I open my eyes. I'm laying on something soft. "What the...?" Immediatly Kevin, Brian, Nick, Howie, and AJ run up to me. "Oh shit, the catwalk." I get a shiver down my spine as I remember.
"That was quite a scare you gave us, Chris" Howie says.
Nick says, "Yeah, it felt like my heart came out of my nostrils."
I joke, "Oh, lovely image, Nick. But I'm alright." I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the couch. We're in the dressing room. "Oh man. Hey, Kevin, remember what I said about being a risk-taker, that I like heights and danger?"
"Yeah, I remember." He gets a confused look, as if to say 'What about it?'
"Fuck it." Everyone laughs.
AJ says, "Guys, I hate to do this, but we do have to get back out to rehearsal."
Howie and Nick groan. Brian says, "You guys go ahead. I'll be out in a minute." Kevin, AJ, Howie, and Nick leave. Brian sits beside me on the couch. "You scared me to death, Chris. I don't know what I would've done if you fell. I just hate to think that the last thing that happened between us was you being mad at me."
"Oh, Brian, I am so sorry. About slapping you and yelling and everything. I don't know what got into me. When I heard you yell my name, it just...it was like I knew I had to hang on. I couldn't let things end like that." By this time, we were both in tears. He hugs me, and I feel my body tense as his arms wrap around me. He must have noticed too, because he starts to break the hug. "No, come here." I hug him back. Once again my body tenses, but I force it away. And for the first time in a couple days, I feel a slight sense of happiness. Slight, but it's still there. We break the hug, and we leave the dressing room, wiping our eyes on our way out.
The rest of rehearsal went well. Brian got his concentration back. And I stayed glued to my seat. I looked up at the catwalk several times, and I got a chill each time. I actually found myself gripping my armrests tightly a few times. I laughed at myself.
After rehearsal, we go back to the hotel for something to eat. We all decided to eat in Howie's room. Once we were finished, we all separated to have some 'alone time' before the show. Rejecting the idea of going to my room, I head up to the roof of the hotel (aren't they supposed to lock the door or something?). Despite my earlier incident, I stand at the edge, looking down over the streets of Denver. Stupid me forgot my coat in my room. Oh well, I won't be up here long. As I'm trying to sort everything out, I hear a voice up here with me. I hide among the pipes and other things on the roof and look about. Brian is talking on his cell phone.
"...Yes, I love him very much...I don't know why I did it!...I feel so stupid and wrong...yeah, I guess...I can tell he wants to just move on...He's acting like nothing happened...Me?...Well, I really hate myself for it. I go along with him when he acts that way, but it doesn't feel right to me...That's not fair...no...I said 'no', it wasn't fair to Chris..." I wonder who he's talking to? "...I think I just need time...I don't know, you just seem to always help Chris, so I thought maybe you could help me...I guess a little...oh, no! I didn't mean it that way...hehehe...no, I don't know what he's doing now, Dr. Miller...alright, I guess you're right...I think I can...Thanks for talking to me...I will...Bye." He ends the call and slip the phone into his pocket. Hhhmm, I wonder what she told him? 'No, Chris, you can't be nosey like that. You shouldn't have even listened to his end of the conversation.' I hate my head sometimes.
I have an idea. I'm near the door to the roof. I step in front of it, open it, then close it, like I just came out. I start whistling and walking around. "Chris!" Brian yells from behind me.
"Oh, hey Brian. I didn't expect to see you up here. I just came up for a little air, and to clear my head."
"That's kinda why I came up here. I think we need to talk."
"Alright." We were talking towards each other; now we've met in the center of the roof. "What's on your mind?"
"That. Just that. The way you're going on, so casually, like nothing happened. It's...weird. I know you're still angry at me. I felt it when I hugged you in the dressing room. And you know it too. I don't understand you. If I were in your shoes, I'd be ignoring me, or yelling at me, or avoiding me, or...anything."
"Brian, I know you don't understand me. Nobody does. And I know it's weird; I'd be the first to admit it. It does really hurt me. But I just figured that all of us--you, me, the others--don't want this thing to go on. And I figured that the sooner the two of us make up, the sooner this whole thing will be over. I can make my pain stop, and that's when I want to go on like nothing happened. Apparently you don't like that, and I'm sorry, but"
"NO! There you go! Apologizing to me. YOU don't have anything to be sorry about. It's me! It's all me, Chris! This whole thing is my fault, and it's like you don't want to punish me for it. I hate myself...." He cries and runs to the door, going back downstairs.
He managed to avoid all contact until time for the show. Nick tried calling, Kevin knocked at his door, and I yelled through his door. But nothing. However, when we announced we were all ready to go to the show, he came right out. And without a word from anyone, we went to the arena, the show went on (without any problems), and we go back to the hotel. It was the oddest, most un comfortable feeling I've ever experienced.
Now I'm lying in bed again. This has been one interesting day. I thought things were going to be fine, but then that talk up on the roof.... Does he want me to ignore him and yell at him? Does he want me to hate him? I don't get this. And now I've got a headache. Who know what interesting occurences tomorrow will bring us?
To Be Continued....