GAYM part 06 -- An army of Idiots
By yungngay1ru2@yahoo.com
(aka Sean sean_dude88@yahoo.com)
This is a sort of crossover story, combining science fiction, fantasy, and gay humor. It is based loosely on "Another Fine Myth" and "Myth Conceptions", part of the Myth (or MYTH) series by Robert Asprin, 1978-80+, which I discovered in paperback from Ace Books, New York, in the 1990s.
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"Aahz, you old rascal."
"Gus? Why I remember you! Still have Berfert with you?" Aahz seemed to be at a reunion.
"Yeah, Berfert's still with me. We're a team. Speaking of which, have you put one together? Your young partner here tells me you're hiring mercenaries."
Aahz turned to me. "Kid, how many times do I have to warn you to be careful what you say at the Bazaar? Still, you'd be okay accepting Gus and Berfert."
"And me," added Ajax
Aahz didn't have a chance to question Ajax, as just then Andy called from our booth. "Hey! Can a guy get some food around here?"
"Your food!" said Gus. "I forgot all about it! Your burgers will be cold, and your slurps will be hot! I'll make new ones. And considering I'm serving my new employers and company, I think you're food can be on the house." He got Andy's money and put it in my hand.
"Employers? Company?" Aahz questioned Gus. "So I spent the last few hours looking for Skeeve AND for mercenaries, not having any success, and the kid buys a dragon and walks in here and puts together a squad?"
"It wasn't quite like THAT," I said.
"You can explain later. Right now I want to meet our troops."
"Well, there's Gus, and Berfert. And Ajax, here, a genuine Archer."
"So far, looks like you've done okay, kid," Aahz told me. "What else you got?"
"Well, why don't you join the others at our table so I can introduce you?" Ajax followed.
"Brockhurst?" Aahz asked, when he got to our table.
"Waiting to report, and to receive orders on our upcoming campaign," said the half Imp.
"Ajax?" Andy had gotten up so the archer could slide onto the bench.
"Andy?" the archer replied.
"Ajax! It IS you! I'd love to have you're FLESHY arrow, again," said Andy giving the archer a hug.
"Now, now, young fella. Control yourself," said Ajax, in an old man's manner.
"You old fraud," Andy laughed. "You'll outlive us all."
"Well, that'll depend on how good our employers are at battle strategies and leadership."
"Who's the kid?" Aahz asked. Then "Wait a minute. Have we met before? By any chance have you been a student at D'Bois on Earth?"
"Why yes, I was. We're on quarter break right now."
"You're that Troilus?" I asked. "You're the `head' boy? The one that was so suggestive giving me directions?"
"Yeah," said Andy.
"What a troop," said Aahz. "A Gargoyle, a Salamander, a half-trained half-Imp (no offense Brockhurst, but you've admitted you still have a lot to learn to be an assassin), an Archer, an old Purrfect without air powers, an apprentice magician, a juvenile Troilus, and, I presume, Skeeve, you'll add your dragon."
"Well, Aahz, you told me we'd need outside help," I said.
"I didn't plan to go that far outside!"
"Then there's the Gremlin," I added. "He's been following Ajax, but will he follow us?"
"Kid, there's no such thing as a Gremlin. That's a figure of speech."
"Uh, you want to tell HIM that? I'll call him over and -- (I looked to where I'd seen it last) -- oh rats, he's gone!"
"If you're quite through," Aahz grumbled, " Now Brock, what have you been able to learn about Istvan?"
"Well, he's managed to take over Id, driving all other magicians out, or killing them off."
"So now he's the Wizard of Id. Okay he's building power. Anything else?" asked Aahz.
"He's got the locals in his power, and he's building an army on Id," Brock informed us.
"An army of Idiots. That is SO Istvan! Well, how do we get there? I've got a D-hopper, for Skeeve and me, but I don't know if it's powerful enough for all of us," said Aahz.
"Well, I've got a D-hopper," said Andy.
"Likewise," said Brock.
"I can teleport myself," said Ajax. "I doubt there's anyplace I haven't seen by now."
"Likewise," said Gus, "I can take care of myself and Berfert, and your dragon."
We headed outside and as I was untethering my dragon, Gleep, and handing his leash to Gus, I thought I saw a small blue figure hovering about. If it was the Gremlin, he had disappeared with Ajax before I could get a good look. Next thing I knew, Aahz had taken my hand and we were off to Id.
The planet of Id looked surprisingly like Earth. Brock had given excellent coordinates and we found ourselves on a hill with a good view of Istvan's main camps. Luckily the army hadn't expanded our way or we might have found ourselves behind enemy lines.
"Well, what are your orders?" asked Brock, once we were all together
"Yeah," added Ajax. "Do we strike with the element of surprise, or take time for reconnaissance?"
"Reconnaissance?" I asked.
"Scouting, spying, sizing up the enemy, planning. I seen a heap of wars messed up `cause folks just charged on in, but you're the boss, the general."
"Uh, I think scouting would be an excellent idea. I don't fully know what we're up against. Aahz, maybe you have some insight?"
"Not yet," said Aahz. "I suggest we find out what we can about the nearest encampments. Think you can handle that, Brock?"
"You can count on me, sir!" Brock said. "I've still got my invisibility cloak."
"Good. Now which camp should we check?"
"I could fly over `em," offered Gus.
"NO!" Aahz commanded more than stated. "We want to keep that talent of yours a secret."
"Why not use Ajax?" I asked.
"Whatcha need?" Ajax asked.
"Well, maybe your sharp eyes can tell me something about those towers."
"Those are signal towers," said Ajax. "Wait, looks like one's about to signal. I should be able to tell you the message if so."
"You can read semaphore? And at this distance?" I was impressed.
"Sure can," said Ajax. "Can't you?"
"I don't even see the flags!"
"Wait, here it comes. `Prepare to move out tomorrow.' Didn't say where to, but probably to Earth."
"Then we have to strike before they move," said Andy. "From what you've said, if Istvan hits Earth, the Academy would be his only opposition, and that would be putting D'Bois in jeopardy."
About that time, Brock returned, confirming that indeed at least the first camps should be ready to teleport to Earth the next day." It appeared that Isstvan was getting very powerful if he could teleport whole armies.
"You read semaphore?" Ajax asked.
"No, but the Gremlin does," Brock replied.
"Well, `boss' Aahz addressed me. "Gremlin or no, I think it's time we had a war council."
Early the next morning, Aahz and I stood outside the nearest camp, waiting. Aahz disguised like my old Earthling teacher Garkin, and me looking myself.
"Uh, Aahz, what exactly is our plan?"
"We wait until they notice us and do something about us."
"What if they decide to simply shoot us full of arrows, or trample us?"
"That would be bad form. Until they talk with us, we might be curious locals. And there might be more where we came from. An attack on us could start a rebellion, and Istvan doesn't want the Idiots fighting among themselves -- he wants them to attack HIS targets.
Finally, a soldier did notice us, and headed our way.
"You'll have to clear the area," he informed us. "This is a military installation."
"Could we speak to your duty officer?" Aahz asked.
"You can talk to ME."
"Ha!" Aahz scoffed. "I said OFFICER. You know, YOUR COMMANDER. Got it?"
"He's a busy man. Anything you civilians have to say, you can say to me and I'll relay the message."
"He thinks we're civilians! Skeeve, why don't you show him what you can do?" Aahz gave me a gesture to suggest levitation. Considering the circumstances, I decided to levitate the soldier's sword out of its scabbard to hover point down over his head. No sense leaving him armed when Aahz and I weren't.
"Mercy! Another Istvan!" the soldier cried.
"No, we're here to challenge him," I said "Now will you inform your commanding officer, or shall I let your sword drop?"
"I'll fetch him at once!" With that, the soldier retreated.
(To be continued.)