The usual disclaimers apply here. Adhere to them the best as you can. I'm an open book with my own experiences & wishing they had gone further. Feel free to send feedback, ideas, thoughts, or any fantasies/desires. Up to talk about experiences, past or present.
And yes, this is based on real life. I'm joey..and Carlos is a beautiful ex I had before, and still think about some. Maybe its the taurus in me, as he's one too, and prob still thinks of me also.
So hopefully you enjoy. Feel free to chat me up and give your own words. You could always not use real names in case of anything. Also, donate what you can. Tons of us still read to the great stories at our leisure. Do you part you guys!!
http://donate.nifty.org/donate.html ------------------------------------------------------------
Not meaning to stare out the window from the back seat of my Stratus, I ponder and wonder if he liked me at all, if this was some sort of dream or just a nightmare waiting to unfold. It's not a sob story..and I truly don't want anyone's pity to even the smallest percent.
It's just the plain truth that I grew up a loner..no friends to hang out with after school, or for sleep overs...no true best friend either as I look back. Add to it that I was still technically virgin, although I had some close calls when I was a boy.
My view of the empty parking lot started to fade lil by lil as I kept breathing on the glass, not meaning too do that either. Yet it was so hard to face reality a bit and see it unfold in front of me. I mean...I think the date went well. Well, our first date...my first date..ever.
Funny how that goes...one of my countless nights of being lonely and crying myself to sleep, and asking God for something..anything..to take away the pain. And as if a switch went off in me and knew that it was an "end" I was reaching, I asked Him to carry me to it. And that He did.
I don't even remember what night it was, just that I got a random message on Myspace from a profile that seemed dark n cool, with no clear face pic. Lil by lil after answering it, this mysterious mexican dude who was suave and smooth tried to get me to open up and more, but man, I was a tough wall to break down.
What's just as funny is that I had "rejected" him and that seemed to burn a fire even hotter under him, but somehow, we became online friends. And man, was it one of the best times of my life. The laughs I had, become unaware of the silence and loneliness that once took over me, and more so, good nights of sleep.
Once he earned my trust to talk on the phone, jokes were made, some lies were told and corrected on his part, and our friendship grew more and more. And without knowing it, I was falling hard for him. It was such a shock to my entire system of belief and feeling, as I was raised with the ideal that you can only fall in love once ever in your life.
Yet here I was, falling in love with a new soul. My first love didn't work out even with my efforts, as he couldn't embrace himself the same way I did when I came out when I was 17 years old. Was I mad at him? No, I understood, and to this day, I coulnd't wish him nothing but the best and good.
Hopefully he was okay..and that left me in the dark once again, even more lonely and depressed then ever. As my one and only love didn't work out..then comes along Carlos to break it all away. Mister "I keep trying and bugging". Mister "Damn, those dark brown eyes are so damn beautiful" once he sent me a close up pic of his face.
He looked so serious in it, and wearing such a nice and clean white t-shirt also. I can just remember staring at it so well, and so nice..hypnotized by his damn natural beauty. And well, apparently, I had the same effect on him, as he loved a pic of my smile when I pulled my blue sweater over my face.
Yea, you can say we're both weird and awkward, and that was damn fine with me too. Taking a deep breath, I realize my view got even smaller as I continue to breath in the car. Its not too cold, as the seats are cloth and the wind isn't blowing at the moment, even though its the dead middle of December.
So yea, there came a time when I underhandedly let Carlos know I was into him in one of our phone convos..and it was his turn to reject me. It fucking hurt so damn bad, but my heart held on knowing I still had a real friend after so damn long. With tears in my eyes, and a smile on my face, I continued to be his friend.
A few months go by, and I can remember it was a Monday night that I had this huge click go off, telling me "He's going to tell you he likes you." I felt butterflies in my tummy, my nerves tingling as I knew it was going to happen, yet I was in denial.
Sure enough, three days later, we're having a good phone convo at night. Though I'm being myself throughout our long chat, I can tell something is off with him. Part of me wants it to not be true he was into me, as I felt so pathetic about myself, so low and so not worth it. Yet at the same time, my heart, mind and soul called out to having him.
Around the end of the convo, his pauses and quick answers give me more reason to be nervous, as I try my best to make it light hearted. Finally, he couldn't hold it back, and after a bit of kind words, he lets me know "I wanted to say that I like you a lot."
Of course I laughed and repeated the same to him "Yea, I like you too Carlos" to which he replied "No, I mean like you like you." Being naive and still in denial, I told him "I like you like you too" to which he responded quickly of "No, I like you like you, like a boyfriend."
The silence on my end spoke more than enough for both of us, with him asking if I was okay or still there..and I told him "Yea, I am." And finally, I got to tell him "I like you like you too." His reply couldn't come out fast enough of "For real?"
An answer that I felt so happy to repeat of "Yea, I like you like you, like a boyfriend." To hear his laugh even deeper, higher and happier then before, was such a blessing, as was my own, as it erased that sad nights we had rejected each other, and more so, so many of my countless tear filled nights.
In the good way, time seemed to not exist as each day, I had a boyfriend to learn to love, to interact with, and more so, make sure he was okay...over phone and e-mail. I honestly didn't realize the day would come when we actually had to meet and make it reality more than ever.
Although he made it known his 5'8" height had been a problem, I didn't as I wanted him as he was and is. And even thinkin back hard, I still can't fully remember how I managed to find the courage to meet him up at a Giodarno's for our first "meeting".
In reality, it was our first date..and man, seeing im in person, those pics didn't do him justice. Fuck, was he beautiful and so damn handsome n sexy. And of course, I couldn't believe this was my boyfriend, or well, to see if it would stay as so after meeting up.
The funny thing is, I noticed he couldn't keep eye contact throughout our chat and meetup. Getting to talk and know each other, we were both nervous..shy, full of apprehension and fear. When the time came for the date to end, we both didn't want it to end.
He was quick to suggest walking around the mall, and I took the chance and said yea. We continued to talk and get to know each other, and funny that he exceled in Accounting where as I had the dream to do so, but I couldn't deal with it although I understood it.
The one thing that brings a smile and yet makes me feel a lil ashamed was when I was a bit rough and pushed him into a snow covered bush. I'm laughing in my head that my body n mind just did it, and I don't remember if I helped him up a bit or not. But man, does it make me chuckle and laugh.
Shit, I can't see the parking lot now. If I move my head around, I probably could, but my breathing fogged it all up. And on top, the silence was starting to thicken a bit and make me feel too damn nervous and more. "Did he like me? Was I okay? Damn, his brown eyes are so damn beautiful" ran through my head along with countless questions and statements.
I could feel the pressure of my anxiety rise like crazy as I couldn't contain my "rabbits" as I call them, hopping and skipping and sprinting around like wow. I didn't want them to come out, but my strength could only help me so much in holding back my tears as I started to doubt it all.
The moment my heart, mind and soul stood at the peak, the second it was ready to dive back into the shadows that I was finally freed from, hearing "Hey joey, how you doing?" pulled wings out me and helped me flutter away instead of falling back into the pits.
Snapping my head to the right, I see Carlos lookin at me shyly a bit, and he must be wondering what's going on with me, and more. He must be amuck like me in the head, wondering if I hated this date and more. Just that he had had the practice to not be stuck like me.
"I enjoyed tonight, did you?" he asks in a tone mixed with confidence and doubt. "Yea, I did too" I reply with pure honesty. We both end up looking forward and making small talk, and somehow, Im able to notice that all the windows are fogged up, and on the outside, covered with snow.
For a second, I hear a lil movement and feel it as the car slightly rocks, and notice that he's sitting right next to me now. As we make small chat, his sudden shift and my acceptance is whats needed to defeat doubt, silence, worry, anxiety and fear, as he lays his head on my shoulders.
This beautiful warm wave goes through me, taking away the chill within my body and honestly heating me up. It's so damn nice to just feel his head on me, to break the shadow and know what it's like to touch....my boyfriend.
"No, this isn't right" flashes in my head as I tell him "Wait, get up" in a serious tone. Making eye contact for a second, I could see him sad as he must have thought I didn't want him touching me. Somehow, my body ignores that and makes itself more comfy in the corner of the back seat.
In doing so, I tell him "Come here" which gets such a damn big goofy smile from him. Its so bright and cheerful as he lays his head in my lap and tosses himself around, making sure he's comfy while laying on his back. It feels like "home" having his head in my lap, and a love I never knew actually existed in me came out as I gently head his head.
I couldn't help but run my fingers through his hear as I held my bear..my sweet teddy bear..or as I called him, my K.B. Gently, warmly, the explosion of us being like so was so blissful, and without knowing it, a damn blizzard picked up.
Yet, as time ticked by the hours, neither one of use felt anything. The urge to pee, ache from being hungry, or the chill from the cold. It was a memory beyond worth being stuck in and repeating for eternity. To know I made my boyfriend feel special..just as he made me feel special.
I was that lonely bear in a dark cloak deep within my cave, and he was the bear with the crown and cape, sitting on the hill so high and so bright..surrounded by so much. Yea, I was a bit jealous of him, yet, my good side won and was happy he had so much.
After suffering so much, I just didn't want my other half..my teddy bear..to know what any of that was like, to even the smallest degree. Yet, here was the king bear sitting in my cave with me, his head in my lap, making me feel like I was the gold..and for that, I will always be grateful.
To a better surprise, was the moment that he moved himself up enough as I was bent over lookin into his face, examining his beauty, and right there....he gave me my first kiss ever...ever.
I was so damn surprised, and just a tiny bit mad, as I was going to ask who he thought he was to take my first ever kiss like that, yet, the fact he did it so kind..was so warm..gentle and loving made me let go of that mad moment, as my face turned into one of shock and smiles.
Somehow, he must have seen my cheeks blush even in the dimly lit backseat as he gave a cocky and confident smirk like the cheeky bear he was..and that I just found out. And seeing more of him brought out even more smiles from me, as my bear was showing me his soul, and I was opening up mine to his.
Neither one of us knowing, our souls were starting to melt together as we basked in our comfort..like only two bears could do. Reaching to the left window with my right hand, wiping it clear enough, I took notice that it was a blizzard blasting and recognize the sounds of the wind for just a few moments.
Funny, I still couldn't feel the cold, and neither could he, as we continued to lounge around in the back seat in each other's company. It was like our warm feelings was a colcha of invisible honey, not letting anything negative touch us.
Yea, I could be here forever I thought, before diving back into laughs..giggles, playful banters, chat..and best of all. Countless soft kisses..deep passionate ones..a make out session I never had..and most of all, tender loving kisses that broke us both in such good ways.
The kicker was, when mister king bear told me "You can't kiss no one else, they're mine" with huge grin full of feeling. And the honest answer I gave him of "Okay, I won't" with a smile of being shy and wanted by such a strong bear. Yea, this was too nice..I could bear here forever.
With that being the last interruption, we dived back into our chat and finding out our silence was now peaceful and warm. Even the blizzard outside couldn't shake us..even when it was time to go, and after helping each other clean the cars as our bodies shook in chills, we still kissed and held each other..like only two bears could.
Although I was sad to part for the night..or morning, as it was already 3am, I comforted myself that this wasn't the last time either. And boy, was I glad I had my first date, my first kiss, and met my first boyfriend. It really felt like bliss in reality.