Don't read this if you aren't of legal age to view this where you live. It contains sexually explicit material. All names, places, and events are entirely fictional, and any similarities to real-life events are entirely coincidental.
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If you make it to the end you'll probably understand why it took so long. I apologize. Email as always is ohwantanabe@gmail.com.
Wakefulness came with a heaviness and a pain on my chest. I grimaced and opened my eyes and Alex's hand was under my shirt rubbing it and my squeezing my ribs, but my chest felt inflamed and irritated.
"That hurts," I complained, more as a comment than a request to stop. I knew he'd do what he wanted.
"You were dirty,"he said by way of explanation, he looked over at me from across the full size bed, his hair a bird's nest and stubble darkening his face.
"That's why I was in the shower," I said," what you did..."
"Not that kind of dirty," he said exasperatedly, then moved his hand away and rolled onto his back," Not on the outside, you know. You just didn't feel clean, something was off. I had to fix it."
"I...well..."
There wasn't really anything I could say. Was he just bullshitting me? I know he got off on it, he had to, at least a little bit, but what did he notice about me? He wasn't wrong, I did feel dirty, but it's not like things hadn't been happening the way they have been since before we met.
Alex reached into his jeans beside the bed and took out a lighter, lit two cigarettes and handed one to me.
"Can't you smoke lights? Menthols, vanilla cigarillos, anything halfway decent," I muttered at him after an eye-watering draft of his Marlboro Reds.
"Because I'm not a pussy," He laughed and I fumed," here, gimme that if you don't want it."
He snatched it out of my hand, drew from both and blew a big cancer cloud into my face.
"Take your shirt off," He told me as I was squinting through the smoke
"No," I said petulantly and folded my arms," And I'm not a pussy."
"Uh huh."
He set both cigarettes off into a coffee cup he was using as an ashtray and before I could react, he rolled over onto me.
"Mmmph," I gasped involuntarily, but I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of telling him to get off.
"I can do this all on my own," He laughed at me as he easily pulled both arms over my head then with one hand on my wrists he pulled my shirt off and tossed it across the room. As quickly as he had done it he rolled back and rescued one of his smokes.
I hadn't learnt anything new from the demonstration, but it just underlined something that had been highlighted, asterisked and expounded on so much that my whole page felt very used.
I brought a hand to my chest and felt it. Wasn't so bad as I imagined it, just like a sunburn, fortunately it wasn't peeling, to the touch it just stung and there were raised bumps. Owing to how it felt, I didn't think my back was as bad.
Nothing I could've done to stop it then, nothing I could've done back then, or way back then, nothing ever. I was a gate, not a fence, just swung out of the way anytime anybody pushed.
I reached over and grabbed my cigarette. It was halfway gone, mostly to ash. I sympathized. It was automatic in a way, I didn't even know what I was doing until I felt the burn, then smelled the flesh.
I'd forced the lit end butt onto my shoulder, amongst all the old white scarred lines. Just like before, the pain became meaningless, and flushed most the rest of it away. Maybe because I'd done it myself, a sacrifice to the gods, rather than plunder stolen from me by raiders.
Despite my communion, Man's eyes were very close. Guess that's why rituals were carried out deep in the forest, or rocky hidden sea caves, or under false doors beneath a rug.
Alex was watching me intently, but my face didn't register anything, hadn't, throughout the whole self infliction. But it was over, the moment blown away and the fire smothered. it was an afterthought to toss it back in the ashtray.
I'd done it when people were in the next room, but never directly in someone's sight. Alex liked to cause pain, I was pretty sure he'd take it as consent after the fact. It wasn't, or at least it hadn't been in the past. I didn't know what I wanted.
He propped himself up over me, his thick wavy hair falling like curtains, shielding our faces from anything else.
I reached up and felt his face. I bet he could grow a great beard.
"You should grow sideburns," I suggested irreverently.
"Really," He laughed, amused," Why, do you have a time machine to the 70's and want me to fit in?"
"Because I'd like you to," I smiled back at him," and since we aren't together, and that's not the kind of thing I can demand of you. What about a quid pro quo."
He looked confused," What do you mean?"
I brought my hand across my chest and to my unburnt shoulder.
"I'll let you make me symetrical."
He'd been hard against my leg before that, but now he was pulsing and dripping, he breathed heavily and then came down for a kiss, thrusting his tongue between my willing lips and wrapping his arms and legs around me. Capturing me. Even though I'd experienced it before I was still scared. More that I'd be lost than I'd be hurt, and maybe more that I'd be without him.
We snuggled, ground against each other, wrestling, but not for dominance, because that was already his. We grappled because it was an expression of the fire between us that had been there from the beginning, but with a new intimacy that came with exposure and familiarity.
His intense focus that I so craved was on me, his big hands roving, that fearsome cock probing, fortunately just on my thighs and stomach, because I knew if it caught in any little notch, he would push until it came out the other side, lube or no lube.
The passion and intimacy didn't distract him for long, though it left me longing. He drew back and our gazes locked. His hard brown eyes bored into mine, snatching me away and dragging me down into those depths.
He sat up, sitting on my hips, drew another cigarette from the pack and took a puff. He brought the unlit end towards me and I tightened up to accept the harsh smoke filling my lungs. As soon as he drew it away I sputtered it out, my watery eyes fixed on the burning end he'd flipped around to face me.
"Wait," I begged a moment's reprieve and placed one hand in the crook of his arm and the other on the side of his face," let's get this clear. Sideburns, not anything silly like mutton chops, just nice, neat, fuzzy sideburns."
"Seems like I'm getting the better end of this bargain," He commented, rubbing my shoulder. "I know," I said, a bit of sadness making my voice weak, but I gave a smile," I never have, and i don't really want to come out on top."
It was a lie. I mean, no, I wasn't exactly bending him to my iron will, but maybe, just maybe, when he looked in the mirror, he'd think of me and what I hoped we had. And if he hadn't, shaved em off as soon as they were grown, I'd have a permanent memory, among other lasting things.
Our pacing was such that usually when one of us would descend into brooding thought, the other would follow, but he was a bit preoccupied.
He flicked the ash off, and I closed my eyes and cringed.
"Enough with that," he said, giving my face a little slap," I just watched you, stone cold faced do it to yourself."
"It's different," I cracked open my eyelids," it's like, you can't tickle yourself, or when someone else gives you a handjob verses jacking off alone."
"Goddamn, you're beautiful" he exclaimed and kissed me again," and don't think I don't know what you're trying to do, you manipulative little slut."
"Isn't that...Ah," I squeaked, it was finally on me, he'd done it.
I could have taken it stoically like before, but there was some truth to what I said, and Alex, even knowing the score, wouldn't mind.
I let myself feel it and react, and grab his wrist, as if I'd changed my mind, pathetically too late.
"Mmmm," I squalled again, and writhed under him, turning my head to watch the last embers die.
He didn't overdo it, kept it on for the few seconds I had, then dropped the butt with the others.
His hands brushed my shoulder, smudging the ashes off then holding himself up with his knees and his arms wrapped around me, he rolled over and began to kiss.
Gentle and lip to lip soon became passionate and his tongue thrust in, filling my mouth, suctioning and probing. Stubble grazed my chin and his hands roamed all over my trembling torso.
I was shaking and every few seconds I had to look away from those brilliant brown eyes. They caught the light and threatened to catch me. How could he be so possessive and not want me, so dominant in my thoughts and in everything else, but leave me alone in the most important way. i couldn't help it. I felt pathetic, I couldn't even hold back the tears, no matter how tightly I squeezed my eyelids. Twice in one day, CJ? Shit.
"Shhh," he cooed, his husky baritone kinder than it had been all weekend thrummed on my lips ," Come on baby."
It was just so overwhelming, his big chest on top of me, rising and falling and sucking all the oxygen out of the room. His legs trapping mine and his hipbones digging into my thighs. He was taut and dark and a hirsute line ran from his sternum to his throbbing crotch. It was like we were different species, I felt fragile and pale, always on the verge of being crushed or smashed. The whole thing felt so precarious.
"Y-you don't hold me... to keep me safe," I blubbered into his heavy embrace," You don't even hold me as anything...I'm such a pussy, just a plaything."
Wrapping completely around me he rolled me over onto his chest. Now, far from being smothered, I could breathe but shivered at being exposed more completely.
He pulled a comforter over me and squeezed. The pressure caused more tears to fall and wet the tuft of black hair on his chest. Why was i making such a mess.
"I guess I went too far," he said, seeming to draw back from me with the very tone of his voice. This wasn't at all what I wanted.
"No, no, no," I mewled and kissed his chin," it's just hard, you know? Not being alone, or being together, just the contrast between the two."
"I'm alone most of the time too," He rumbled, but more softly and pulled me closer to him," That can't be fixed. That's why I really appreciate when I'm not, that's why I'll take a day out for myself and spend it on someone else, spend it on you."
I bit my lip and rubbed my face into his chest. It's not often I felt immature, but I did now. I'd kept myself trapped and tried to snare him in an all or nothing kind of thinking. Zero sum, I lost, he won. "I'm sorry," I mumbled," I guess I don't understand mutuality all that well."
"Fuck," He exclaimed, laughed and rubbed his hand through my hair," You're too fucking smart for 17."
I didn't think so, but I tried to take the compliment.
"You aren't always an asshole," I said by way of response," You can be nice.
"Nice? Me? When," He playfully slapped my ass and licked my neck making me shiver.
"You always get me ready, you know, back there," I continued," a little prep makes it much more fun, but not every guy bothers."
"And you've had every guy," He teased.
"Not even close," I rubbed my palm on the underside of his cock," But you're bigger than most, and I'm, well, far from big."
"I'm big huh," he murmured and dripped in my hand," And you're tiny? Small, puny even? Hadn't noticed."
"I try to say something nice," I said with a touch of martyrdom and scooted upwards and forwards so I was straddling his stomach.
"You also have a tasty cunt," he grinned and put both hands on my butt.
Despite already being naked and marked and having been fucked twice in the last twenty four hours, I felt my skin burn in a blush.
Before I could muster reply, he yanked me forward fast enough that I fell backwards and my ass was in his face.
"Umph," I grunted, and then when he pushed my legs to my stomach and buried his scratchy jaw between my buns I squealed.
Using his whole face he'd abrade my cheek, then lick up to my perineum, then brush my hole with his lips.
I squirmed and curled my toes as he slobbered over my entrance. I was tender, and he didn't show any mercy.
"Unnhh...Alex," I squealed as he grabbed my hip bones and walked his fingers up to my middle. He could fit his hands around my waist, and he did.
"Shhhh, quiet," He growled.
"How can I be quiet whe...," I was muffled when he crossed a leg over his hips, covering my mouth.
"We aren't the only ones here," He chided, giving my hips a slap and bringing a thumb to push at my crack.
I puffed out my cheeks In protest, but he wasn't paying attention. I exhaled raggedly through my nose; it was hard to be petulant with fingers up your butt. I maneuvered his cock so it was laid on the nape of my neck and pulled his foreskin back and forth. Just because you're helpless doesn't mean you can't be helpful.
He'd roughly squeeze that spot inside me from the outside and inside, stretching my walls in the process. He must have grabbed some lube from his pants because things weren't as rough as they could have been.
"Jesus I could do this all day," He commented as he scissored me open.
I could only moan into his hairy calf that I hoped not, although that wasn't true. I wanted him in me, touching me, restraining me and distracting me every waking second. How was I going to survive another few weeks without him when he left again?
There were no easy answers, but he was driving me crazy with his ministrations easily enough. Twisting and pinching and prodding, it's like his fingers were a key and I was just a gasping, sloppy already well used lock. I tried to relieve myself, the pressure in my groin was becoming unbearable, but he slapped my hands away.
"When I'm around," He admonished, roughly grabbing my cock," This isn't yours to play with, got it?"
I nodded as best I could, caught as I was in his tangle of limbs.
"Come on now," He whispered as he let me go, then pulled slightly out from under me to lean against a stack of boxes," sit on it."
Rather ungracefully I sat up and drank him in.
He was rubbing his big cock with baby oil in that expert way that everyone has with their own organ. I hoped to get to know it as well as he did. A lewd grin and a glint in his eye caused me to be momentarily embarrassed. It was always hard to meet him in the eye without looking away first.
I stood and stepped over his crossed legs so I leant up against him, my crotch at his head level.
"A blowie wasn't part of the deal," he mumbled, nibbling my jutting hipbone.
"Good thing I didn't ask for one," I said exasperatedly," and what? You'll eat ass but you wont my need to be hurt and owned and given intimacy.
My feeble spurts and gasps didn't slow him down, he frantically, obsessively kept fucking me, and I endured it for as long as I could, wanting to give him this moment, but he was so powerful even in his insensate state.
"Please stop," I begged past his lips," I'm done, you're hurting me. I'm finished."
He didn't, so I just cried, he chewed my lips then down my jaw and to my neck. The rocking into me slowed, lasted forever, until it was done, and silence and heartbeats ruled, as we clung to eachother. suck dick? Fine line to draw."
"Not as fine as these," He traced an old scar running halfway around the inside of my leg then laughed," You know, when you blush, you get red from head to ass."
"Nnnn," I whined, and sank down to his crotch, his dick warm and slimy against my tailbone.
"Missed, babe," he joked, but looked disappointed. It was an exposure in a way, revealing what he wanted, a slipping of his very convincing nonchalance.
I had to have this guy. Fuck, mark me from head to toe, humiliate me, take me when I didn't want it; maybe those were weren't the negatives I pretended they were, but they were hard to face up to and I'd bear it all for a chance to be his.
Before I could think about it, and let it scare me, because it did, he was big and thick and I don't think I could ever adjust completely, I brought one hand to my lips, aimed him at me with the other and lowered myself down on it.
Fuck. Shit. I pushed out, but goddamn. Once he was in, the matter was settled, even if I changed my mind, so I took took it with all the toughness I could manage. Down, down. Up, up, up into me. My lung burned because I couldn't take a breath until he was in, until I was sure I'd survive.
What kept me gingerly pushing down, ignoring every survival instinct I had(lot of good they'd ever done me), going ass-first onto his instrument of destruction, was the way he took me in.
Any intellectual understanding that I'd be ok, that i'd survive, had survived, escaped me. It was surrender not just to being torn apart, but fucked to death. Every inch was annihilation, how I survived the last one baffled me, and I was sure the next would be my end.
I got to it, the end that is, but not mine, he was in my bowels, pushing everything aside to make room. I barely had time to appreciate what could only be my dumb luck in making it this far when he bucked his hips with a grin, bounced me up and with my own weight condemning me to another stab at it.
I glazed over, one hand clasped around my mouth and the other on his chest, holding on. I tried to join it, to fall to his breast, but he pushed me back up.
"You," he panted," don't get into this halfway."
I whined in reply, all language was gone, pushed out by his intrusion into my depths. What did he was from me? I was helpless.
"You've got a smart little mouth, but I can shut you up anytime I like," he said redundantly and grabbed the back of my neck, still not letting me sink down," you're too beautiful. Nothing come for free. I'm gonna tear you into little fag pieces so you can't do what you're trying to do to me."
Was he afraid of me? It seemed impossible.
Here I was being ruined for life, fucked in twixt and twain and in every other direction, and his thrusts were harder and harder, but more desperate.
He pulled up and put his back to a stack of boxes, gritting his teeth, growling at me, moved his hand to my back and keeping it up, his flesh still searing and rending through every gate and wall, but now causing me to harden and leak and drool and my eyes roll back in my head.
He shook my neck, bringing me back. His eyes threatened me, challenged me, he almost want to fight me.
I'd never fought in my life. I was crazy with pain and pleasure but I tried to show my submission in every way I could.
Meeting his eyes briefly then averting in deference. Being hyper responsive to every touch, trying to please and show him I was no threat, that he didn't have to kill me like I feared his eyes promised.
I couldn't salve whatever rage I'd awakened, the meager brain cells available to me weren't enough. I just crumpled before the dick splitting me apart and his hands pawing at me, taking apart my skeleteture like so many Legos.
Something changed when he kissed me though. When his full lips and tongue pushed mine apart and aside, understanding passed from him to me; even his orgasm, slicking and throbbing inside me, only registered intellectually.
Alex was a sadist, had started to feel for me, and hungered for me. I was the avatar of all his wants, his needs. He'd railed against me all the way up the mountain, but killed his son anyways, I was crueller than God, and he was more consumed by his devotions than Abraham.
I broke away from this revelation to bring myself to completion. I knew if I didn't join him in this moment I'd regret it. It wasn't difficult, he was still in me, helplessly pumping into me, succoring