Standard disclaimers apply here...This is a work of fiction and not meant to imply anything about the Backstreet Boys.
There is no sex in this story...sorry.
I want to thank Gene and Ash for encouraging me...and just generally being wonderful. Any comments can be sent to Kameko1@excite.com
Thanks for reading, Eriker
The Front Row by Eriker
I'm mad at myself for spending so much time With you and your jeckel and hyde-ness I'm glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist You laughed a wicked laugh and said "Come here let me clip your wings"
-Alanis Morrisette
8/15/01
Dear Kevin,
This is awkward...I feel like I should be addressing this to Mr. Richardson. Why is that? This is supposed to be the easiest way to express my feelings, right? No face to face crap...you always find a way to make me not be able to talk to you...but writing to you makes me feel like we aren't speaking at all. Are we? You sure as hell won't talk to me about this. I don't even really know how to start this. Right now I am running on pure emotions and I'm jumping right in. Who am I kidding?....either I won't send this or you will just pitch it now... so let's get all this on the table
Professional boundaries....you always spout that crap to me. "We can't be involved because we have professional boundaries that need to be respected." You are wrong...I can love you. I can work with you and love you too. Who the hell are you to tell me that I don't love you anyway? I am an adult. ADULT. I have been through more hell in the past few years than you can imagine...or maybe you can. You were there with me, always observing me and watching me fuck up. You let me make my own mistakes....you knew I wouldn't listen and let me do it on my own. That is one reason I feel like this about you. You respected me enough to let me live and grow up...the way I needed to experience it. I was in pain and you were there and strong, supporting but not controlling. I came through it, not with flying colors maybe, but with a me I can live with. Therapy works....never let it be said that I didn't benefit immensely from my `time out'. So, my question is, why are you doing this to me now? I am healthy again....yeah it is a struggle that I will be fighting the rest of my life. It is a fight I have to live with and I want to live now at least. I want to live with you. So why, on this the easiest to admit of all my secrets, are you fighting me? I love you. I love all that you are.
I know I have changed in the last year. After I got out ..I had to relearn how to exist in a healthy and non self-destructive way. I guess some would call it growing up...I see it as regrowing up. I chose to step out of childhood and into an adult world when I was still really young. Some would say I did it before I was fully conscious of my choice and it's ramifications. Yeah..I did but I have paid for my choice...and remade it. I am still here.
That one night...the night we decided to hang out....before you started this ridiculous boundaries shit. Yes...okay..yes I had an agenda. Yes I wanted to see if what I felt growing between us the last few months was real. So after a little laughing and talking and being us...really being us for once...I kissed you. I knew I was going to do it when you walked in the door. That's one reason you're mad at me...you feel like I played you that night. Maybe I did but here and now I am admitting that I did it because I knew you wouldn't. I think I have wanted that for longer than I have been conscious of wanting it. You are amazing and always have been to me. It all changed after I got out though. For the first time in my life things are REAL to me....you are real to me. No one is a super hero...you aren't an object to worship. You are a man....and you make big-assed mistakes sometimes...just like I do. I guess I don't need to tell you that I think this is one of those times.
You know how you are treating me don't you? You are treating me like I am a teenie girl in `love' with you. You are treating me like I am in the damn front row at one of our shows with a "Boink Me Kevin!" sign. I am not repeating the obvious..the whole adult spiel but I will say that I WILL NOT LET YOU PAT ME ON THE HEAD AND KISS MY HAND AND WALK AWAY. I love you...I have seen you close up...I know you and I have for a long time. I know Kevin Scott Richardson...the bastard who screams at Brian over nothing, the jerk who wakes me up every morning at seven am, the kid who plays ball with us and the guy worries about whether he is really too old to be doing this anymore. I love all of them...I also love the cool and collected "Big Brother" Backstreet Boy....the image you send, that you say is all pretend, I love that too. That is a piece of who you are too. Considering that that is the only side you have let me see for the past two weeks, I suppose it is a good thing I love that too.
I kissed you and you ran... I didn't see you for a good week after that. But I finally caught up and I told you that I thought you were wrong. What did you do...you tried to tell me that what I felt wasn't real. It wasn't "No I don't love you." What I got from you was "You need to rethink all this...I don't think you know what you are saying" You know what that sounds like to me, Kev? Sounds like I'm not the only one who needs some therapy. Why can't I love you? Why can't you even try this? Why can't you admit it too? Why do you believe yourself unlovable? Why can't you be happy too? And....why the hell am I sitting here, pissed as all hell, and writing this out to you? You are three doors down from me.....this is so stupid. Unfortunately that isn't going to change...I can't go over and discuss this with you...like adults do....you have cut off that avenue for me. So I'm reduced to passing notes to you. Anyway...onto the next point....
You are gay. You know that, your family knows that, and we have always known that. I have always wondered why you still go back to Kentucky. You had a hell of a time there the last few years....are you going back just so you can remember what hell was like or to try to put it all to rest? I don't get it and I know you wouldn't answer me if I were to ask. And why are you insisting that Brian is a factor in our relationship? He is my friend, yeah, but we aren't nearly as close as we used to be when I was a kid. Brian didn't deal with my little mistake last year very well and he is still in denial I think. We can't talk about it at all...I stopped trying. Is that part of the problem? You know I was approaching this thinking he would be happy for both of us. I mean...if we were together we would both presumably be wondrously happy. (You can deny that but I know it is true.) But that is it, isn't it?...you aren't upset about telling Bri you are dating me `cause I am a guy and suddenly the whole gay thing would be far too real for him. You are upset about telling him you are with a basket-case like me. Reformed basket-case maybe but still...shit...why hadn't I realized that before now. I swear Kevin....if that is the reason you are wary of telling Brian... You can really keep running. I won't take that shit from anyone. I have problems..yes...we all do. I have survived...I am living a mostly happy life. I am okay. I live with what I did, with what happened, everyday. Right now I'm thinking that isn't what is going on because it can't be. I love you too much to believe that of you. I don't know...but Brian has no real place in our relationship. He does as a family member but you don't owe him anything. He is your cousin and friend. That is all. He can either be happy for you or not...and knowing Bri I think he will be happy for you.
I can't do this anymore. I am writing this to you as a last ditch effort here. I have tried, non-stop, to talk to you about this for two weeks. I have been on edge for longer about it. I know that isn't very long...but I can't live month to month anymore. My life is day to day. I take care of me from day to day....that is all I can do. That is really all any of us can do. I am emotionally wrung out right now. I feel lost and I am starting to get scared....so this has to stop. I need to let go of this. You are everything I ever wanted...We could be so beautiful. There is a connection between us that I have never felt with anyone else. Never. But I can't sit here and waste away waiting for you to get your head out of your ass.... I can live without you. I have lived alone for a very long time. So here you go Kevin....this is all in your lap now, isn't it? Is that bad of me? I love you. I know you love me too. Figure out what you want to have in this world. This is the last I will say about it....
Love forever and always,
Nick
I'm mad at myself for spending so much time With you and your jeckel and hyde-ness I'm glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist You laughed a wicked laugh and said "Come here let me clip your wings"
-Alanis Morrisette