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"From Where I Stand" by Kanseiji
Chapter Fifteen - "Jus Primae Noctis"
"I am feeling better, Juliana, but thanks for checking up on me. I really appreciate it."
"Well I'm glad to hear it. I would like you to come in when you get a chance so we can have a talk in person...phone therapy is for celebrities without real problems, haha."
I loved Dr. Marks. "Haha, will do. I'll call your office to set it up."
"Ok, sounds good. Take care of yourself, Chris. Talk to you soon."
"Yep, thanks Juliana. Bye."
As I hung up the phone, I felt a bit relieved. I had called Dr. Marks briefly a couple weeks before about some of the things I was going through. She told me it was common, especially in stressful situations, to have relapses of some of my symptoms...depression and post-traumatic stress were tricky and didn't always go away altogether apparently. She also said that I was doing the right thing just by talking to people close to me a lot whenever I was feeling bad since one of the roots of my problem was bottling up my feelings until it caused damage. I made a mental note to call her office to get what I hoped would be a brief appointment in...Dr. Marks just wanted to make sure she was reading everything correctly about me from over the phone. She was incredibly perceptive, but she always felt face to face was the best way to be sure. I was definitely feeling much better about everything...I had come to terms with the fact that I made a mistake, that it wasn't all my fault and that it's ok to mess up every once in a while...as long as it didn't become a bad habit.
It was nice to be able to spend time with Ryan again without feeling nervous or guilty. Jase actually suggested that Ryan and I just sit down for a while and talk...mainly about my feelings and where Ryan's head was at. The talk was really great...it took a little while to get Ryan to just stop apologizing...he was feeling just about as bad as I was about the whole thing. Luckily he didn't have the background emotional problems...he was just a bit on the confused side. So the story was that he had some mental association problems when it came to attraction...he had a close gay friend and over the course of several years, their friendship and sexual interaction started to overlap since his friend would be very forward about his attraction to Ryan and Ryan enjoyed the...well, attention is the word he used. I had the distinct feeling that Ryan's knack for identifying gay guys also threw him off a little. I reasoned that we needed to get him a girlfriend...to which he laughingly agreed. It wasn't long before Ryan and I were mostly back in our mutual comfort zone...which helped a great deal with me feeling better overall.
One suggestion Juliana had for me was more personal...it sounded pretty cliché, but she told me I should stand in front of the mirror at least once a day, smile and tell myself that I was worthy. She mentioned that I could replace that last word with whatever I felt was appropriate as long as it was positive and not phrased like "not pathetic" or "not worthless." She reasoned that phrasing things like that just gets you down...that made some sense since I was down a lot and I always phrased things that way. You would never guess something that simple would help...but it kinda did. By the time summer started, when I looked in the mirror I even had passing thoughts like, "looking good today" or once I even had the nerve to tell myself that "I'd go for me" when I had gone all out to go out with Jase. It was strange to hear myself thinking positively like that...it probably didn't hurt that I was more satisfied with the condition I was in after working out a lot with Justin. I also started doing pushups and situps every night...it helped me sleep better actually and it felt kinda cool when some of my shirts were a little more snug...and it looked like I actually had a shape in the mirror. Of course I still had to wear small or extra small...I guess some things you just can't get around.
By summer's start, the voices in my head were pretty much silent...if ever something negative did pop up in my father's voice, I would literally roll my eyes at myself, tell the voice to get a life and it would go away. I felt a bit like Gollum...except I tried to not do the little happy dance, hehe. The dark thoughts started to be replaced by warm feelings...I had made a point of keeping pictures of me with the people that I loved on my desk, my computer and my cell phone. It was always enough to make me smile.
"Is this one yours too, Chris?" Ryan asked as he held up a box to me.
"Um...I think so, just put it in my room. Thanks!"
Moving sucked...but I didn't mind what it implied though. For the first time, I was living away from home...not that I wasn't taking care of myself most of the time, but it's the concept. My mom also thought it would be a good "exercise" for me to be, for the most part, financially independent for the summer. I had over the previous couple years made some money here and there from various things...from designing websites and fixing computers to doing some research work for my mom's firm. She insisted that I put the money in a savings account since she gave me a living and spending budget while she wasn't around...which was often. The money had accrued a bit of interest and since my brother was covering my school expenses as a birthday present, my mom thought I should be able to get by just fine on the savings...without blowing it all of course.
"Have some fun, but don't go overboard. Remember, it's still school." That's the way she put it. I was glad she at least had some confidence in me not lose it completely and spend it all. I was even thinking about tutoring or something on the side if the coursework wasn't too much to handle...and a little extra money never hurt.
After Ryan had stayed over, we managed to get most of my things together so we could move it to his dorm temporarily. Then move in day came and we were shuttling boxes and other items to the apartment. The place was one floor of a renovated house near Harvard Square, so getting to and from class wouldn't be much of a problem. It was also mostly furnished so we just had to bring personal items, linens and the like. It was great though...three bedrooms, a big bathroom, a full renovated kitchen and most importantly, it had a washer and dryer in the place. I was afraid I would have to shuttle laundry back and forth to Quincy. Plus, there was a decent sized living room which nicely accommodated Ryan and CJ's combined entertainment equipment...I had a bad feeling about having a PS2 and a big TV...oh well. The funniest part was seeing the expressions of random people as we hauled this big TV on a cart from Harvard to the apartment...we did our best to look like we didn't steal it, but I'm sure plenty of people assumed otherwise.
Most of Ryan and CJ's friends weren't staying for the summer since the majority of them were eager to spend some carefree time at home rather than take more classes...so that left them with the "yougins" to help them move. Jase and Adam were eager to help out and I got Justin to help...actually Becks said she'd help and told Justin that he wouldn't get any if he didn't help too...god I loved that girl. I commented that Justin was pussy-whipped, but he just smirked and said that, "of course I am...that pussy could whip anyone...mmmm." It was a bit too much information for me.
Once we had everything over to the apartment, sorting and arranging began. I had packed relatively light with the main items being my computer, bedding, a box of drawing supplies and notebooks, and a couple bags of clothes. Oh and of course a box or two of cooking equipment...otherwise we'd all starve. Since home was so accessible, I didn't see a need to try and pack up my entire life all at once and move it. If I really needed something, I could just go get it. Jase got very into arranging things in my room...at one point I just sat down on the bed and watched him moving things around to where he liked them...which usually agreed with where I liked things. This included the position of the bed, which he moved with me on top of it.
"Do you need me to get off of the bed?" I asked whimsically.
Jase was pushing the bed into position and didn't even pause. "Nah, you're too light to notice, hehe." After the bed had reached its destination, he took a moment to step back and judge the position. He even held up his hands in the director's frame viewing stance for effect. "I think that's good." I decided to take a look myself, so I got up, but as soon as I did, Jase groaned as he dropped his hands down. "Ah man, now you ruined it. Now go back there!" I just shook my head and laughed. Jase folded his arms as he waited, so I humored him and assumed my place on the bed once more.
"Happy now?"
"Hmm...something's still a little off..." He looked at the arrangement intently for a few seconds before looking like he had a realization...which led him to jump on the bed with me. A little more "rearranging" was done...which ended with me lying down on the bed with Jase spooning me. "Ahh...much better."
"Hehe...you're such a goofball."
"I know, ain't it great?"
"Ha, yeah I guess." I cuddled into Jase's embrace and closed my eyes as I took in the warm feeling...unfortunately, it was too warm. "Ok Jase, it's way too hot in here."
"Yeah I was about to say...you have AC here right?"
"I thought that's what Ry said." We got up and went out into the living room. Ryan and Justin were busy hooking up the entertainment equipment while Adam and Becks chilled on the couch.
"Hey Ry," I started and waited for him to poke his head out from behind the TV. "We have AC right?"
"Oh! Yeah, the thermostat should be right over there." A finger shot out and pointed toward the wall next to the kitchen...where surely enough there was a thermostat. Jase and I fiddled for a few minutes and soon enough, a nice rush of cool air was circulating through the apartment.
"Ahhh..." Becks let out as she took in the coolness. "Much better."
"Yeah, it was starting to cook in here," Adam added on. Just then, Justin's head popped out from behind the TV.
"Oh! Speaking of which, what's for dinner?"
Becks lit up a little. "Oooo...do we get to have Chris's cooking? Hmm??!" I got similar looks of interest from everyone, but Ryan came to my rescue.
"Hey how bout we give Chris a break, we're just moving in. Besides, there are like a dozen places around here we can grab food," Ryan suggested while giving me a little smile...I was really starting to love that boy.
Adam and CJ volunteered to go and grab food for everyone. As they walked out hand in hand, we sent them off with a lot of coos...to which they flipped us all off as the laughed. It was really nice to see how well they were getting along. Becks let me in when CJ had kissed Adam for the first time. Apparently Adam was so nervous about the whole thing that he started shaking uncontrollably...which subsequently led to CJ just holding him for 30 minutes. However, Adam really liked CJ and vice versa, so CJ got the hint that he just had to take things a little slower.
I had started to talk to Adam a little bit more. It was really easy...he was such a nice, unassuming guy that was just easy to be around. Since CJ was going to be living with me, I assumed that Adam would probably be over at the apartment a lot rather than his dorm. The idea was thrown around that maybe he could just live with us, but we didn't have another room and he wasn't ready to be sleeping with CJ every night. In fact, at that point, they hadn't spent a night together...at least according to Becks. Also, it was good to have someone who lived in the dorms so we could get in for parties and other get-togethers over the summer...Harvard was pretty strict about ID access control and while it was easy to just follow people in, it wasn't always convenient.
As I thought on the subject, I made a note to spend more time with Adam...not that it would take much effort since we were taking a class together and would probably be going to each other for homework help. I did feel like I had sort of "handed him off" to CJ before I got know him really well...and besides, we had a lot in common...especially since we both fell for the same guy, once upon a time.
"So, feel like home yet?" Jase asked as we cuddled on my bed...my then new bed anyway. The place was pretty much set up and Ryan and CJ had retired to their own rooms for a little while. Justin had to go home since he had to get up early to go fishing with his dad and brother the next morning. Adam and Becks hung around for a little while before heading home themselves. That left Jase and me a little personal time.
"Hmm...yep. After all, I've got the three most important things for this to be home."
"Oh? And what are those?"
I smirked as I counted off, "One, my computer, two, my blanket and three..." I paused as I looked into Jase's eyes. "My sauté pan." I didn't even get a chance to laugh before Jase jumped over and tackled me...soon enough I was in the all to familiar position of him holding my arms above my head as he stared down with an inquisitive grin.
"Your sauté pan, huh?"
I looked into the corner of my eye, pretending to think about it. "Hmmm...maybe I did forget something."
"And what would that be, hmm?"
"Hmmm...oh that's right! My coffeemaker!" That was the wrong answer too...Jase started tickling me as he held me down. I was laughing hysterically...good thing we didn't really have any immediate neighbors as they would have been slightly disturbed by some of the obscenities I was yelling.
Jase finally let up and asked me again, "You wanna give that another try?" He had let go of my hands, so I reached for him and pulled him down on top of me.
"Hehe...I guess that just leaves you then." That obviously was satisfactory since Jase just smiled and went in for a kiss. His smooth lips slowly caressed mine as he parted them with his tongue. My eyes shut tight instinctively as I let myself get consumed by the feeling of Jase sensually wandering around my mouth. I was unconsciously stroking his hair as his hands held my head and neck, guiding my movements in our kiss. We were getting very into it...it wasn't long before we were grinding slowly amidst our making out.
I came up for a breath and paused. "Jase...feel like...breaking in the place, hmm?" I asked, grinning mischievously.
Jase grinned along with me, but cocked an eyebrow and asked, "Are you sure? I mean isn't Ry's room right next to this one?"
I rolled my eyes and responded, "Come on, CJ and Adam will be making noise soon enough and Ry won't have any trouble scoring over the summer either...may as well be the noisemakers while we can."
Jase just shook his head at me and said, "Heh, y'know you've got everyone fooled with your good boy act...but I know better. You're evil." His face dipped down close to mine as he went on to say, "And I like you that way," as he smiled evilly himself.
"What act? I AM a good boy...you just make me act up. It's all your fault," I said, feigning offense.
"Haha, well then, I guess I better take responsibility." Jase moved from my immediate field of vision as I lay on the bed. I felt him get up off of me and a moment later, the door closed...and locked. He soon returned to his previous position and resumed his previous activity.
It was intoxicating...the heat from Jase's lips and the sensual contact as he ran his hands up and down my body. My thin t-shirt offered little insulation from his touch, but that didn't stop him from reaching under...I gasped as his hands started wandering in direct contact with the skin of my chest and stomach. Jase slowly moved around and eased my shirt up...he briefly paused from kissing me to get my shirt off over my head. The kiss was quickly resumed after he practically tore off his own shirt...I basked for a few precious moments as all of his muscles flexed as his shirt came over his head. My eyes snapped shut once more as he dove right back to my eager mouth.
My previously idle hands got to work as we undid each other's pants. Jase was a little quicker and I soon felt him stroking me through my underwear as he eased my pants down my legs. I had to pull back from kissing him as the sensations hit my brain...that only served to further encourage more contact. Jase rose off of my chest and quickly dispatched all remnants of clothing on both of us. I gazed at his toned form, wanting him to continue...it didn't take much convincing.
Jase actually partially restrained me as his mouth moved across my chest, sending me into some uncontrollable convulsions as I was wracked with intense waves of pleasure. His tongue darted around and paid special attention to my nipples...I felt his grip on my arms tighten as his weight pressed into me to keep me from thrashing about too much.
"Ahhh...Jase...god...hol...leeee...shiiiit." My moaning and slurred speech only served to encourage his assault. He kissed, licked and even nibbled at one nipple and then jump over to the other...lingering only long enough for the skin to recover slightly in each location. His dick had come to lie next to mine as he slowly and rhythmically slid up and down along the lengths of our bodies...the beat of his movements flowing completely in sync with the peaks of sensation in my head. I let my own hands roam and stroke Jase's body. My fingers wrapped around his pecs and elicited nice little moans from Jase.
"Shit...Chris, you're driving me nuts...mmm..." Just then he shifted out of the reach of my hands. I was about to sit up a little to see what was going on, but that didn't happen...the next thing I knew, Jase was having a field day with my cock and his tongue.
"Ahhh...Jase...jeeaahahh..." Jase just kept up what he was doing...I was seeing stars in no time at all. I shifted a little on the bed...Jase must have thought I was trying to interrupt or something, because his hands reached up, pushed me down more on the bed and started rubbing my chest...I certainly had no complaints. Everything happening had also effectively paralyzed me...I felt like I was floating.
A thin sheath of sweat had formed on my entire body...not exactly what I wanted to happen on my bed the first night, but I suppose it had to happen sooner or later...and it was definitely the most pleasant way of making my sheets used. Jase had settled into a quick rhythm as he slid along my cock and massaged my body. Every few seconds, different parts of my body would tense and my fingers were clawing at the sheets under me. A wave of heat was consuming me and I could feel myself choking up slightly as the front rose. Soon enough, the front had hit my face and my breathing accelerated...my deep breaths were replaced as I was practically panting.
"Jase...shit...Jase, I'm..." My words cut off as I felt my eyes press back into my head...my back arched up as I felt jolts shoot through me. Every muscle in my body tensed up and held for a few seemingly eternal moments...then I was hit with an enormous wave of sheer pleasure and relief. Jase's hands were on my hips, steadying my motions as he remained in place on me...the sensations that had numbed slightly around my cock were becoming stronger as I grew more sensitive to his touch. As my body eased up, Jase released me and crawled up to lie down next to me.
His Cheshire grin in full swing, Jase began, "So...I take it the place is broken in now, hehe."
I had to struggle to keep my eyes open as I faced him. "Jase...that was...holy...shit." Jase chuckled at me and lay back a little. I started to move as I wanted to return the favor...the wonderful, mind and body blowing favor...but he planted a hand on my chest. "Hey it's ok, you're exhausted."
"Jase..."
His gaze dropped slightly and his eyes faded away as he began to close them. "Just kiss me babe..."
That didn't take much convincing...it wasn't hurried at all...he just leaned in slowly and brushed my lips lightly. I closed my eyes and fell into it...I roamed around his lips slowly, but with a bit of force to reinforce the sensation. My hands started on his ears and hair as they worked downward, lingering at several points along the way. I could feel on of his hands on my cheek...the bed was moving slightly as he stroked himself. As I faced him, I let one hand come to rest on his nipple while the other wandered further down. I found his cock and after rubbing it lightly, I continued further down until I hit his balls. I cupped them in my hand and started to fondle them gently, eliciting moans from Jase...I could feel his lips arching upward with a smile as we kissed.
Jase took a few free breaths as I continued to stimulate him. "Ahhh...Chris..." His breathing picked up and, not wanting to suffocate him, I moved my head down and started to kiss his neck. Jase was tensing all over...the skin I was kissing would be soft one moment and then harden up as his muscles contracted. More moans escaped his lips until suddenly he moved onto his back...a few louder groans came out as he shot over his chest and stomach. Jase lay there for a few minutes, just catching his breath. As I was little livelier than him at that moment, I got up and grabbed a hand towel from the drawer where Jase had put them away. I hopped back on the bed and, as gently as I could, wiped him up as he continued to breathe, a little slower than before.
"How ya doin' Jase?" I couldn't help but grin as I watched his chest rise and fall...all the contours and lines of his form being accentuated by the motion.
"Mmmm...I'm doing great..." His eyes were still closed, but I guess he could feel my proximity...he reached out and wrapped an arm around my waist as he positioned himself and me in a facing embrace. Jase opened his eyes slowly...I smiled as I saw his blues twinkle a little as they hit the light. "I love you."
"I love you too." I glanced over at the clock on my dresser...it was already 10 p.m. "So, feel like staying here tonight?"
"Mmm...sounds good to me. Wow...first night in your new place, huh?"
"Yeah...feels good...especially with you here."
"Hey, where else would I be?"
The rest of the weekend was great and it just flew by. I spent most of it just getting situated and hanging out with Jase. He was starting his internship that week...Houghton Mifflin...I asked him to score me some free textbooks, hehe. It was a good opportunity for him and he would be making some money along the way, but the remainder of the month before my classes started were looking a bit bleak without him there all the time. He spent Sunday night at home, but it looked like he would camp out with me more often since Cambridge was closer to where he worked. Jase also said that his parents were fine with him being away from home a bit more since his siblings would be home for the summer anyway and that it would likely get a little more crowded at home...personally I was thinking about just asking Jase to move in completely, but I knew he wanted to preserve his independence a bit...he also stated that if he lived there, he'd be "mooching" off of me too much. Oh well, I didn't care as long as he was around a lot. It was just a good thing that the apartment was relatively spacious given the number of people we were likely to have passing through all the time.
Jase's first day of work was going to be long because he had to do some new hire stuff, so I took advantage of the free time to go see Dr. Marks. I called her office in the morning to see if there were any openings...luckily there had been a cancellation, so there was a 30 minute slot. I didn't really expect it to take too long, so I took it. I trekked down to her office in Boston...the appointment was at 11 a.m., so I packed a small sketch pad and my CD player so I could wander around a little afterward and maybe grab some lunch.
My arrival was uncharacteristically early...ok, it was only 5 minutes early, but still, that was a feat for me. I greeted the receptionist and as I was about to sit down, Dr. Marks came into the room, shuffling a few papers and folders. She was a very lively young woman...right around 30 at the time, apparently half-Chinese and half-British from Hong Kong. She spoke with this wonderfully light accent that just made her sound sophisticated...but her demeanor and tone were always warm and comfortable.
"Diane," she said to her receptionist, "could you file these back? Thanks." Dr. Marks then turned to me as I stood back up. "Chris!"
"Hi Juliana." We had a brief hug and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. She then stepped back, held me at the shoulders and looked me over.
"My, you've grown up! Looks like your mother was right about you cooking for yourself. Hey, want a job cooking for my family? Haha."
"Heh, I feed too many people on a regular basis already...but I'll remember to bring by some of those cookies I made last time."
"Oooo...that'd be great...and this time, I'm keeping them to myself. I made the mistake of leaving them out here and all my patients ate them. Well, now," she directed me towards her office, "let's have a chat, ok?" We sat down in some nice cushy chairs...I didn't feel the need for the full red couch treatment. She put on her glasses and opened a small notebook...it was the same one she had always written in with me. "So...how's everything in general?"
"Everything is just great right now." It had taken me a little while to get comfortable with her all those years before, but by then, it was very natural. I didn't feel like I had to hide anything around her...not that I could...she was pretty good at what she did.
"Good, well tell me, what's going on in your life?"
I filled her in...she already knew I was gay and every once in a while, she suggested that I tell my family...she knew them too, so I guess she felt that they wouldn't overreact or anything, but I tended to ignore that suggestion. I told her about Jase...I received many smiles and giggles from her over that subject...my attending summer school and just overall how I was feeling much better about everything.
"Chris, this all sounds great...now when you called me before, you said you were having some relapses. Have those gone away or do they still happen?"
"Well...I think I haven't had any really bad feelings or any of the more vivid experiences for a few weeks now. I guess a lot of it went away right after I started to talk to Jase and Justin about it."
"So are you and Justin still really close? I can still remember that one time he came here with you," she recalled.
"Haha, yeah...we're still like this," I said as I crossed my fingers in gesture. "Though recently he's gotten a girlfriend...one I actually like."
"Well that's good. It's not too often that I meet young people who are as close as you two...I hope both of you hold onto that. So are you feeling more comfortable talking to him about any problems you might have?"
"Yeah...more now than ever. He's also been pretty good at picking up on things over the years...and confronting me about them if I don't open up."
"Alright then...just remember it's important not to bottle up what you're feeling. You have a bit of a higher risk of developing some things because of what you've been through, so it's good that you have more people that you feel like you can confide in. Oh and I promise I will only mention this once this time, you should consider letting your family know about the things going on in your life. I know your mom isn't around too much because she works a lot and Daniel is off elsewhere now, but having your family at your back is good for your self-confidence."
That was something I hadn't considered fully...I was still worrying about my family not accepting me. I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me before then...a lot of the hard work I did for school was to be on par with them. It's a bit hard with my mother and brother and the alphabet soup after their names on their business cards.
"Ok...I'll try."
"Chris, they want to be part of your life...they're proud of you."
"I know...I'll try to find some time to talk to them." It wasn't exactly an easy task given how busy they both were...and how geographically undesirable they were most of the time.
"Alright then. Well, I can't see any reason to tell you that you need help, so I won't...haha. You're doing great, Chris. Just remember to always talk about what's on your mind...you've got a great head on your shoulders, but not everything is best solved yourself."
One thing Dr. Marks could always get me to do was think about something in depth. Back when I saw her regularly, she would give me "assignments." They were usually just things to think about or on occasion little habitual things that she wanted me to develop...like the whole look in the mirror and compliment thing. Early on she recognized that I had student-like tendencies in my everyday life...so if she made it sound like an assignment, I usually did it.
After I left Dr. Marks's office, I started walking around downtown Boston in a bit of a daze. In retrospect, walking around Boston with headphones on while mildly distracted was not the smartest thing...I was lucky I didn't get run over with how much I jaywalked. I wasn't quite sure why I was so frazzled...every time the subject of me coming out to my family came up, I brushed it aside with relative ease. It seemed that Juliana had finally found the right way to phrase the suggestion to get me to think about it seriously...I was seriously trying to figure out if my not telling them was bothering me deeply. It was a little hard to tell since things had been so hectic, but some more down time was coming up before I had to start classes, so I figured that I would let the idea sit a while to see if it stirred.
I reached under my glasses to rub my eyes...it felt like while I was wandering and thinking, I had hardly blinked. The soreness in my eyes alleviated, I took a look around...I had somehow ended up near the big Borders store in downtown. I looked to my feet and surely enough, it looked as though I had been following the Freedom Trail of all things...I guess I was following some form of guidance after all, whether it was completely conscious or not. At least I hadn't wandered into South Boston...or in front of a truck.
Almost instinctively, I pulled off one headphone and reached for my cell to call Jase. I was getting a little hungry and wanted to see if he was up for lunch...and I just wanted to hear his voice. As I flipped open my phone, I stopped...he had told me that he was having lunch at work for his first day stuff and he probably wouldn't be too accessible by phone for the day...damn. I felt an itch to just talk to someone, but I didn't really want to disturb anyone about whatever problem I had at the moment...at least not that minute. Sheathing my phone, I raised my head and continued my trek. I breathed in deeply, hoping the breezy air would clear up my mind.