From Whence I Came

This is a big chapter. Some stuff Church thought he'd resolved comes back up to haunt him afresh. Let's see how he deals with it and how his friends and family help him deal with it.

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Crown Vic to a Parallel World: From Whence I Came The second installment of the ongoing adventures of Church Philips

41 The Sin of Pride

A few minutes later Mary and I stood in Joe's dining room. Aside from the kids, Andy and the twins, having gone to bed, everyone was still where they were when we left. "I didn't know the blocks in this neighborhood were three miles square." Joe snapped with a sour edge in his voice.

"Why don't you get bent, Joe?" Mary suggested and she poured saccharine over her words in a deliberate insult to Joe. She was clearly aggravated with his tone and snide remark. I was shocked at her use of the phrase, `get bent.' I wondered if she even knew what that meant.

Joe ignored her comment. He played with something on the tablecloth, something about an inch-and-a-half in diameter and colorful. He held up Andy's pride flag button and scowled at me. "You and I need to talk, brother." He sneered.

I rubbed my neck in frustration. I knew whatever Joe had to say would piss me off and I didn't want to be pissed off. I also knew there was no avoiding talking with him. "Everyone," I asked the group, "would you give Joe and I a few minutes please?"

Mary beckoned to Bem. "I think it's time for bed." She said and led him away.

Shawn remained seated at the table, to Joe's left and one seat down. "I'm not going anywhere." He insisted. I felt his obstinance and knew there was no easy way to move him. I didn't argue with Shawn. I was already bracing myself to argue with my brother and there was no reason to compound that aggravation by arguing with my husband as well.

I sat at the foot of the table and slid my left hand in my pants pocket to close it around my watch. I felt Shawn stare at me, and I looked his way. He flicked his eyes down, toward my pocket, then back up to my face. The way he did it, the eye flick was filled with things implied but not said. I wondered if he knew what I had in that pocket.

Since that moment wasn't the right one to deal with those questions, I forced my hand from my pocket and used my right hand to grip my bracelet. I switched to the bracelet, both as way to deal with the nervous tension of the pending discussion / argument with Joe and to keep my left hand out of my pocket.

I built a magic box around the dining room because I anticipated there would be yelling, I just didn't know who would be doing it. "I just sealed us in." I announced. "We can be as loud as we want, and no one will hear us." To prove my point, I bellowed at the house. When no one reacted, Joe nodded his belief and got to what he had to say.

Joe looked at the pride button, then closed it in his right palm and set the closed fist on the table. He wrapped his left hand over the fist. "I don't appreciate you taking my son with you without my permission."

I started to argue but Joe held his hand up to stop me. "Let me have my say." He insisted. I closed my mouth and waited for him to continue.

Continue he did. "I don't appreciate you taking my son without my permission. You did that very neatly. You run off to `check on something,' then you come back when I'm asleep, make some excuse to Mary, and spirit my son away to another state. He's a minor. I could've had you arrested for taking him across state lines. You even hustled him out of here without his phone, so I had no way to reach you to tell you to bring him home. Then when you do come home, I catch him wearing this."

Joe held the pin up again. "This symbol of your decadent, sinful lifestyle. I don't appreciate you indoctrinating my son to your ways. I don't appreciate you teaching him to be proud to go against the will of God. Sin is nothing to be proud of. Pride itself is a sin. If you wish to accept the black stain on your soul, so be it. You will not corrupt my son."

I stared at the self-righteous glare on my brother's face. It was like he dared me to object to what he'd said. My first impression was that he was kidding. I thought that, only as a bad joke could someone spout so much vicious hate at a member of their family. Except, Joe didn't joke like that. My second impulse was to punch my brother's face until the glare changed to an expression that didn't make me angry. I didn't see that as a viable option, so I didn't take any action.

I asked a question that I thought needed to be asked. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Joe clamped the pride pin in his fist and pointed an angry finger at me. "I WILL NOT HAVE THAT LANGUAGE IN MY HOUSE, AROUND MY SON! I'M TALKING ABOUT MY RIGHTS AS HIS FATHER! I'M TALKING ABOUT RAISING HIM TO FEAR ALMIGHTY GOD AND NOT TO WALLOW IN FILTHY, DECADENT SIN!"

I stared at Joe and wondered where all his anger had come from. I thought that Joe and I had `buried the hatchet' on my homosexuality when we were on our way back from Zeke's. I thought that Father Miller's words when we'd visited him the morning before, his explanation of sin being about harm...I thought that mollified Joe. For reasons I didn't understand, the hatchet that I'd thought we'd buried had become Joe's ax to grind.

Shawn was fit to be tied. White hot rage rolled off him in searing waves. He was angrier than I'd ever seen him. If Shawn's magic worked just a little bit differently, Joe might have burst into flames from Shawn's projected rage.

I did my best to beat down my own anger. Shawn had been right about me when he and I had talked about convincing Joe to come to Solum. I was a passionate person and the second I got angry, I lost. I wasn't going to give Joe the satisfaction of coming unhinged in the face of his abuse. I thought about hurting Joe with words while I took deep, calming breaths. I also worked to push Shawn's rage far enough away so it wouldn't create a feedback loop between us. When I thought I could speak without screaming, I spoke.

"You're a lucky man, Joe." I said with my voice deliberately low and even. "You're lucky for a few reasons. You're lucky you're my brother. If you weren't, I'd be beating the ever-loving shit out of you right now. You're lucky you didn't say what you just said in front of Bem, or he'd be beating the shit out of you right now. You're lucky you have a son as wonderful as Andy. I love that boy."

Joe started to sputter when I mentioned Andy. I wrapped my magic around his head and forced his mouth closed. He glared raw hatred at me. "I let you have your say, Joe. Now I get to have mine." I said and expressed myself with calm that I didn't feel.

"I love that boy. I wish he was my son because then I could love him the way you're supposed to. You know something, Joe? Our parents fucked us up, so we're fucked up. I am, you are, Mary is. Andy...he doesn't have to be. All you have to do, is love him the way mom and dad never loved us. All you have to do is love him unconditionally, the way a father should love his son."

I leaned closer to Joe so I could speak my words directly to his glaring face. "You think there's something wrong with him because he's gay and you hold back your acceptance because you don't understand. You don't think that means you love him less, but it does. Newsflash, Joe, love and acceptance are two sides of the same coin. You can have acceptance without love, but you can't have love without acceptance."

Shawn tried to offer his own opinion. "Your god doesn't give you the moral high ground here."

I didn't want Shawn to enter the conversation because I wanted to keep my disagreement with Joe between me and Joe. "Shawn, please...please let me handle it."

Shawn fell silent and waited. I took a few breaths and started again. "I will not let you make that boy feel like I had to feel my whole life. You have just proven yourself too ignorant to raise him without help. I am going to help you whether you like it or not. I'm going to indoctrinate that boy that it isn't wrong to be gay. If you fight me, I will retaliate. I will steal him from you, Joe."

I went on to explain how I planned to do that. "I promise that I will take his affection from you in little pieces until I have all of it and you have none. Every time you hurt him; I will be there to comfort him. Every time you make him feel like he's less; I will be there to convince him that he's special and wonderful."

"I will give Andy the love you won't and by doing that, I will replace you. I will do everything in my power to rob you of that boy's affection, and I will succeed, because I will convince him that he is a wonderful, shimmering, beautiful person. All I will ask in return is that he let me bask in the beauty of his brilliant light." I released the magic that held Joe's mouth shut and braced for his response.

"I won't go with you." He seethed through clenched teeth.

I held my hands up to Joe and flipped them back and forth. "See these?" I asked. "The gloves are off, Joe. You will come with me because I have the power to make you. You will get your mobility back, and I will hold you on Solum until Andy is twenty-one. Then, I will send you back here alone, because by then, Andy will be old enough to make his own decisions and he will have learned to love me and to barely tolerate you."

I stood up from the table and pushed the chair in. I felt like I needed to end the conversation on a note that Joe couldn't top. I had an absolutely vicious idea, and I used it. "I'm going upstairs now, to your bedroom, to your bed, and I'm going to ask my husband if he will take the anger and frustration that you've filled him with and fuck it into my ass. I think that will make both of us feel better."

"I'LL CALL THE POLICE!" Joe shouted at the top of his voice.

"And tell them what," I asked, "that your brother and his husband are sinning in your bedroom? Try it and see what it gets you. Goodnight, Joe."

I waved to my brother and moved next to Shawn to wait for him to get up. He stood from the table and pushed his own chair in. He walked over to Joe and whispered in his face. "Talk to him like that again, and I will destroy you." Shawn threatened through seething anger.

Joe was speechless. I'm certain that getting threatened by Shawn was the last thing he expected. I released the magic that surrounded the dining room and climbed the short staircase to our room. Shawn followed me inside and shut the door. I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands and felt the anger leave me.

What rushed in to take its place was far worse. Self-loathing flooded my psyche. Joe's accusations brought back all the bad shit I ever felt about myself. I burst into tears and sobbed bitterly.

Shawn knelt on the bed behind me and wrapped me in his arms. I felt him wrestle his anger down. I felt him bring his warm love to the surface so I could feel it. He wrapped me in his love like he held me in his arms, and he stayed with me until I couldn't cry anymore. "I'm with you, my love." He said in my ear as his chin rested on my shoulder. "We'll protect Andy together. We'll keep him from ever having to feel this way. We'll save him from the darkness, and we'll bask in his light together."

"I didn't...didn't...I didn't expect that from Joe." I gasped and wiped my face on the bottom of my shirt.

Shawn climbed off the bed and stood in front of me. He raised my chin so he could look in my eyes. "Did you mean what you said, about stealing Andy?"

I nodded. "You were right. What you said to Joe before, about not wanting Andy to have to feel like I did, like I still do. I'll do whatever it takes to keep that from happening."

"I will help you. Don't worry. Andy will never have to live like you did. We'll protect him from Joe." Shawn took his hand back and clenched his right into a tight fist with the left closed over it. "I'll be right back." He said and fled the room.

I almost went after him. I thought he was going to go have another run at Joe and I didn't want that. I had to trust my husband though, trust that he knew what he was doing. I fought the urge to chase him. Instead, I washed my face and undressed to get ready for bed. When Shawn came back, I was stripped to my briefs and sitting on the edge of the bed. "What did you do?" I asked.

"I told Mary and Bem what happened. We're a united front. Mary said she would `take care of it.' She was mad. Bem was to, but Mary was shaking she was so mad. You're not alone, Church. We're all with you."

I pulled Shawn to me with magic and wrapped him in my arms. I held him against me and thanked him. "I love you." I whispered in his ear. "I love you, I love you, I love you...I love you, Shawn."

"And I love you." He whispered back. He pushed us far enough apart to get his lips on mine. He kissed me with his hot mouth. I ran my hands over his tight body. He broke our kiss and whispered to me. "I don't have much anger left, but I could fuck my love into you if you want."

I laughed and felt a little better. "I'll take what I can get, I guess." I said and leaned back in for another kiss.

"Would you mind," I asked, "would you mind if I turned my magic on? When we share my magic, I feel so close to you. We don't have to if you don't want...I mean, I know what it's like inside me, so if you don't want to."

Shawn held me and offered encouragement that I badly needed. "Oh Love...give me your magic. Fill me with your power and let me share your pain and your pleasure."

I rested my forehead on Shawn's shoulder and closed my eyes to hide my gaze from him. "I feel like all I ever give you is pain." I said between us. "All I ever share with you is pain and anxiety and hurt. I feel like I give negativity and I take your love in return. All I do is take. I don't know how you stand it."

Shawn stroked my head. "You're wrong love...so very wrong." I felt the determined positivity of Shawn's emotions as he corrected me. "You've given me so much. You've given me yourself. You let me find safety in your arms, and love in your heart, and the solid support of your dedication. I know that if anything ever threatened me...I know that you wouldn't rest until that threat was gone. I know that if anything ever came between us, that you would go around it, or over it, or through it until you could hold me in your arms."

I wanted to sob at Shawn's sweet words, but I almost laughed at the same time. The way he'd talked about my dedication made me think of Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell and their Motown duet. I sang the song title. "Ain't no mountain high enough," and trailed off into a chuckle.

Shawn was confused for a second, then he quoted another of the duo's song titles back to me. "You're all I need to get by." He whispered to me. "Now, how about that magic?"

I activated my power and waited for Shawn's capacity to fill and for our link to tune our emotions into a single experience. Shawn pressed his forehead to mine and looked inside me with his beautiful frozen eyes. His voice sounded in my head without his having to speak aloud.

"I know what this conflict does to you, my love. I know how hard it is for you to endure it because it makes you relive all the hurt from before. We'll bear it together, you and me. Your pain is my pain, just like your joy is my joy, and if you decide to love Andy like a son, then he'll be my son to. You and me, we'll live the sin of pride together."

Fresh tears streamed down my face. They were tears of pain and tears of joy. The pain was for my past and my brother's angry hate, the joy was for the love and support of my perfect husband. I tilted my head down to bring my mouth to Shawn's. I kissed him. He kissed me. We melted into each other and into the heat of our combined love and lust. He gave me just what I needed, and I did my best to give it back to him.

I woke well before dawn and knew I'd never get back to sleep. Being on Earth seemed to set me up for a lot of mornings like that. I slipped away from Shawn, showered, dressed, and crept downstairs. I was surprised to find the coffee already on and a very agitated Bem pacing the living room. He was dressed in the same clothes he'd worn the night before and they looked like he'd slept in them.

I filled a mug and asked Bem to join me in the backyard. I could have sealed us in the dining room like I had the night before with Joe but being outside seemed nicer. It was also a better place to watch the sunrise. That event was still about a half-hour away, but I assumed whatever was bothering Bem would take at least that long to settle.

Bem gave me a tight hug and told me that he and Mary would help me deal with Joe. He surprised me when he asked me to let Mary and him take the lead in resolving the conflict. "That way, you don't have to deal with it." He said. "I know how much it hurts you. Let us handle it. Mary and me, we already have a plan. We got this, Big Guy."

I agreed to do what he asked and felt marginally better. I almost asked him what the plan was but decided I didn't want to know. If they wanted to take some turmoil out of my life, who was I to argue over it?

Bem led me to the yard swing and sat me on it. He stayed on his feet and paced back and forth in front of me like a tin duck in a shooting gallery. He seemed to get more and more agitated as he paced. "Are you OK?" I asked.

He stopped pacing to stammer at me. "Will you...can I...uhm...hum...I want to...is it...OK...uh."

"Bem, what?" I asked. "Tell me. Whatever it is, we'll deal with it. You're not bashful, or did you forget?"

Bem chewed his lip, wrung his hands, and stammered some more. "OK, I...uh...uhm."

"BEM!" I yelled, then realized it was super early and lowered my voice. "Bem, collect your thoughts, then speak. I promise it will be OK. It's me, remember? I'm your friend. We can tell each other anything. Please, just tell me."

He nodded a jerky, nervous nod, took a deep breath, exhaled, took another one, and shouted, "I-WANT-TO-MARRY-MARY" so quickly it sounded like one word.

"What?"

"I want to marry Mary." He said more slowly. "Can I? I'm asking your permission to ask your sister to marry me."

I was shocked by Bem's question. I was shocked enough that the total implications of his question didn't settle on me right away. I was stuck with stating the very obvious. "You just met her a week ago."

"Yes, and I love her." Bem insisted.

I went from being shocked to being dumbfounded. "You what? You love her? How? How could you love her already?"

Bem shook his head. "I don't know, but I do. I really do." His right hand slipped into his pants' pocket and his left arm made a vee across his body while his left hand reached to knead his right shoulder. "Please, Church. I love her. I want her...forever."

I reached for the watch in my pocket and took it out so I could stretch the band between my fingers. I tried to rub my neck without taking my hands from the watch and managed to make several bizarre motions that meant nothing and didn't calm me at all. I tried to wrap my mind around what Bem had asked me, but I couldn't. It made no sense. He wants to marry my sister.' I thought. But he barely knows her, and she's not even divorced yet.'

"I don't understand." I said.

Bem seemed to sense that I was struggling. He sat on the swing next to me and tried to explain. "I want to ask your sister to marry me and I'm asking your permission."

"Why?" I asked. I was asking why he thought he needed my permission, not why he wanted to marry her. He answered the `why' that he thought I asked.

"She told me she loves me." Bem said. A huge grin creased his face, and he said it again. "Mary loves me. MARY LOVES ME!" He jumped off the swing and waved his hands in the air like a revival minister in the throes of an encounter with the Holy Spirit. "MARY LOVES ME!" He shouted again.

"Bem!" I hissed at him. "Shush." I rushed to quiet him to avoid the wrath of the neighbors.

"Mary loves me," he whispered, "and I love her."

"How do you..." I whispered and immediately felt ridiculous. "How do you know?" I repeated in a normal tone of voice.

"Last night, she was amazing and..."

I stopped him with an upraised hand and a quick yelp. My hands got tangled in my watchband and I tried to put the thing on my left wrist out of habit until I jammed it against my bracelet and realized the watch didn't live on that wrist anymore. I took the watch off and stuck it in my left pocket with a quick, disgusted jab. I held my hand up again to stop Bem's speech.

"Please, please tell me as little as possible to make your point. I know what's going on in that room at night. I mean, I don't...but I understand how...uh...that works. Just knowing it is somewhat difficult, especially with our history of...things."

A huge red flag raised itself in my mind as I mentioned my history of sex with Bem. I was aware that Bem had sex with men and women, and that he did it as interchangeably as one might select a sandwich for lunch, but I wondered if he could live with just one and not the other. The Bem that I knew celebrated man-sex as much as Shawn and I did. He did everything, bottomed and topped with equal enthusiasm. He worshipped the male body when he engaged with it.

I'd never been with him when a woman was involved, so I didn't know how he adapted himself to sex with them. I did understand that the basic mechanics of the act were very different, and I wondered if Bem could be satisfied with a woman. I didn't see how he could be. There were things, things that I knew Bem loved, that a woman just couldn't do. I stopped myself and asked what I thought was a fundamental question.

"Can a woman satisfy you?"

Bem grinned an impudent grin at me. "Tell you a secret, Big Guy...I love women. I actually prefer them. I'm attracted to men, and I love sex with men." Bem averted his eyes like he was going to tell me a real secret. "For the right man...if I would have found someone...someone who could love me like you love Shawn, I could have been exclusive with a man."

"But you prefer women?" I asked, incredulously.

Bem nodded to himself and raised his eyes to mine, his former smile drawn down to a look of deep sincerity. "Yes. You sound like you don't believe me."

I shook my head at him. "You always seem so...so into it when we're together."

Bem smirked up at me. "Big Guy...sex feels good. I like to feel good, and I like making the people I like feel good. I like making you feel good, and I like it when you make me feel good. I like sharing myself with you. Why wouldn't I get `into it?'" Bem asked with his fingers up in air quotes.

I shrugged at him and thought about what he'd said. I reminded myself of what I'd explained to Joe about man sex. I'd told him that if he could set aside his attraction and just give into physical pleasure, that he would enjoy sex with men as much as I did. Bem's explanation sounded like he'd managed to do exactly what I'd suggested to Joe. I agreed with Bem. "You're right."

"Of course, I am." Bem grinned and nodded like he'd won some kind of victory. His face grew serious again as he got ready to resume his former subject. "Big Guy...your sister...she's everything I'm not and she's everything I wish I was. She needs someone like me, and I need someone like her." Bem shook his head again. "That's not right. She needs me and I need her. She's perfect for me. I found out, last night...she was on top of me and..."

"Bem!" I yelped again. "If you tell me about it, my mind may snap. OK?"

Bem slapped a hand over his mouth and nodded just once. He waited for a signal to speak. I waved for him to proceed and let my right hand clamp around the bracelet on my wrist. Bem removed his hand from his mouth and spoke. "Last night, when we finished, like as soon as we finished, she kissed me and said she loved me. I don't think she meant to say it. When I didn't say anything for a second, she got scared and started apologizing. I got her calmed down and held her close and she admitted how she feels about me. She said you told her to tell me. Mary loves me, Church. She loves me and I love her. I want her for the rest of my life. Is it OK? Please...please tell me it's OK."

I felt like the bottom had dropped out of the yard and I was falling at about a million miles an hour. "Fuck...fuck, fuck, fuck...fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...GODDAMNIT FUCK!" I shouted and dropped my head in my hands. About half of me was completely thrilled and the other half was mortally terrified. It was moving too fast. I'd hoped that Mary and Bem would get together, but I hoped it would come in six months or a year, not after eight days.

Bem panicked. "Church! Church, what's wrong? Are you angry? Please don't be angry!" He fired the sentences like a pitching machine, the intensity of his panic rose with each one.

"NO! I'm not angry." I held both my hands up in the surrender pose. "Just be still, please, for one minute." Bem sat on the swing, and I returned my head to my hands. After a few minutes of brain-fracturing thought, I raised my eyes to his.

"Is it OK?" He asked desperately and searched my face with his eyes.

I needed to respond to him but wasn't sure how. I tried to dodge the question. "You know my permission isn't necessary, right? You're both adults."

"I know." Bem shrugged his small shoulders. "I'm asking for it anyway. I want to know we'll still be friends if I do this. You're very important to me. You make me happy, and so does Mary. I don't want to lose a friend to gain a wife. I want to keep both."

"I make you happy?" I asked. Shawn was the only person who'd ever said that to me and I was surprised to hear it from someone else.

"Yes, Church, you make me happy. Didn't you know that?"

I shook my head. Bem shook his back at me like he couldn't understand how I didn't already know how he felt. "You changed my life." Bem shoved himself up on his knees and leaned toward me. He reached out and put one of his hands on each of my shoulders and put his face in mine. "You saved me from myself. You did. You showed me how good it felt to be trusted, to be loved. You made it possible for me to be happy, and I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you. I love you Church, but I really love her. I love her so much it hurts. Please, say it's OK. Say I can ask her. She loves me and she'll say yes. I know she will."

I was stunned by what Bem said to me, stunned and pleased. I did love Bem. He was the best friend I ever had in any world. I loved and respected and trusted him. I believed in him. That didn't mean I wasn't worried. I didn't want to see him hurt, him or Mary. I tried to ask him if he had thought about everything, about all the stuff that he'd have to deal with if he was to enter into a relationship with Mary.

"Bem...what about your past? Do you think Mary will be able to deal with that? You have to tell her. She has a right to know. What about the way you've lived? She'll expect you to be faithful. Can you do that? What about the twins, are you ready to be a father to them?"

My intention in asking him the questions wasn't to scare him. I wanted him to understand what he was getting into. He would have to help Mary raise the twins. He would most likely have to be monogamous with Mary. Nothing that I knew about Bem and his former life prepared him for either of those things.

Bem chewed his lip and stared into space. I knew what that meant. Usually, he did that when he was completely defeated. This time, I guessed it meant deep thought and worry. "We didn't sleep last night or this morning." He explained. "She just dropped off a few minutes ago. I knew I needed to talk to you, so I went downstairs to wait. You're always up early."

Bem paused like he thought I would say something. When I didn't, he worried at his lip some more and kept going. "We talked all night. Mary knows exactly who I am, how I lived, and what I've done. Do you know what she did?" Bem asked with deep wonder in his voice.

"When I told her what I'd done, the lives I'd taken and the people I betrayed, she held my head against her chest and cried. She wept for me and the blood on my hands. I cried with her." Bem looked up at me with a little smile on his face. "Would you believe that? Me...the special forces problem solver, crying his eyes out against a woman's chest, like some lost little kid." Bem shrugged. "Maybe that's what I am. Maybe that's what I have been for a long time."

Bem drew a deep breath that inflated his chest, and he let it out in a long sigh. "It did something for me. Church, it changed me. It was like I could feel some of the pressure inside me relaxing, like from that moment forward, it would be a little easier to bear. I was so afraid to tell her, but she loves me anyway. Please, Church," he begged me, "tell me it's OK. I...I always wanted a family. I always wanted a wife and children, but I thought that was something I'd never get to have because of the life I chose. I think I can have it with Mary. I want her so badly. I need her. If I get to have Mary, I'll never want anyone else."

I looked into the distance and fidgeted with my bracelet. My mind raced with possibilities and implications, very few of them useful to me at that moment. Just like the night Bem had asked me if it was OK for him to go to Mary's room, I made the only decision I could. "Be good to her, Bem, that's all I ask."

He smothered me in a tight embrace and buried his face in my chest. "Thank you! I'll be good to her, I'll love her, and I'll be a father for Hannah and Leah. We'll be a family. You've changed my life again!"

"OK, OK, down, boy." I pleaded and pushed Bem off so I could breathe. "Looks like you'll be my brother officially soon, but without the benefits. I'm happy for you both."

Bem sat back on his heels and looked at me with a strange, sad expression. It was like I'd hit the `pause' button on his joy. "I'm sorry, Church. I'll miss that. You and Shawn...it's because of you two, because of how tender and trusting you were during that first romp, and every time after, that I've changed enough to be worthy of Mary. It makes me sad to think we won't do that again. Do you think, maybe...no...I guess not, huh?"

"I doubt it very much." I said and felt my own sadness about losing that part of my relationship with Bem. "I'm not ruling it out, but both of us, Mary and me, I mean, would have to be a lot more comfortable about the way things are done on Solum before we could even consider it. I'll miss that."

Bem looked so forlorn that I had to say something silly to brighten him up and lift the mood. "In the meantime, draw me some diagrams of your more advanced techniques. Step by step instructions with illustrations that Shawn and I can follow. No reason for half of your vast experience to go to waste."

For just a moment, Bem thought I was serious, and half of me was, but I couldn't keep the grin off my face for long. "Shawn's right," Bem grinned back at me, "you are a silly ass." He laughed his lewd cackle and hugged me again. When we separated, he was somber. "Thank you. I don't know where I'd be right now, or if I'd even still be, if you hadn't shown up when you did. I guess Shawn saved you, so you could save me." He shifted his legs out from under him and sat very close to me on the swing, almost against me.

My automatic impulse was to deprecate what Bem saw as the good deeds I'd done for him, like I usually would in a situation like that. I recognized that was the self-loathing of the old me...or the me before Shawn. I swallowed my negative comments and let Bem thank me. It felt weird to be thanked for something and to accept those thanks without argument, but it was a good weird.

It seemed that both Bem and I had things that we thanked the other for, things that we felt we could never repay. I consoled myself that the feeling between us was mutual. Bem and I, two people with far more in common than we'd thought possible, sat silently for a few moments until the first rays of sunshine streaked the pre-dawn sky.

Bem nuzzled his shoulder into my side. "You can put your arm around me...if you want to." He offered in a small voice. "There's no reason I can't still enjoy being near you, is there?"

"No, I guess there isn't." I wrapped my arm around Bem's shoulders and pulled him against me. I took my eyes from the sky and used them to look down at the blond head of my fine-boned friend. Aside from Shawn, Bem was the most important person in my life. I wondered if he knew that. I suspected that he did, and that's why he'd confessed his past to me. I felt like I wanted to convey my love to Bem in some way. He meant so much to me, and his company on the trip to Earth, while it had been trying at times, he'd been almost as instrumental in the projected success of the visit as Shawn had been.

I leaned over and kissed the top of his head. Bem looked up at me. "What was that for?"

I didn't know what to say. I felt like there was so much I wanted to tell my friend, but I didn't know how to say it. I had an idea. "Would you mind sharing my magic with me?" I asked.

Bem grinned his lewd smile. "Didn't you just say we couldn't do stuff like that anymore?" I shook my head and tried to explain myself to my friend. I stumbled for the words and was embarrassed that I couldn't just say what I meant, but if I could have said it, I wouldn't have needed the magic. "It's not like that. I...I want to share myself with you...to express myself but I don't know how. Maybe with the magic...I want you to know how I feel about you...about what you've meant to me."

Bem's grin drew down to a serious face, but one that was full of compassion. "Sure, Big Guy. Do what you need to do."

I manhandled Bem into my lap, facing me with his knees next to my hips. I got him to press his forehead to mine. I looked into Bem's shining cobalt blue eyes and activated my power. I felt my magic surge as it quickly filled Bem's capacity. Once Bem was full, the feeling changed as the magic drifted between us. The sensation wasn't as intimate as it was with Shawn, but Bem and I didn't have the same bond.

I could sense my friend's mood. I could sense even more as Bem laid his soul bare for me and I did the same with him. It was easier for me to reveal myself to Bem than it had been for me to do it with Shawn. I remembered Bem's words about my husband. He had said that Shawn is so pure.' He had said it when he refused to let me tell Shawn the story of Bem's past. I agreed with my friend on that point, pure and perfect,' I thought, though I knew that Shawn would argue with me on both points. I felt a connection with Bem. He was a kindred spirit in self-loathing. Our inward-looking hatred came from different places, but it resulted in many of the same feelings.

Bem and I, we told each other things with our words and our souls. We told each other things that we wouldn't have dared say aloud. Bem told me his fears and his hopes, his dreams and his secrets. He said that he was happy with me and content with that moment in his life. Bem was hopeful for the future, looking forward to each new day, and that was a new experience for him. He was grateful to me and completely in love with Mary.

Bem was worried if he would measure up, if he could be the husband Mary needed and the father the twins needed, but he'd resolved to give it his all. Bem was daring to hope that he could be happy. He was daring to believe that he was worthy of happiness and love and joy. Bem was daring to offer his heart to another person, like Shawn had with me, and I had with him. Bem's one lament was that he wouldn't remain the third corner of the uneven triangle of the relationship we both had with Shawn. Bem would never get to have his secret wish of being one with us and our relationship.

I told Bem that he had no reason to be sad. I told him that I suspected his wish to submerge himself in us was because he was lonely. If he got Mary, she would be his refuge instead of us. I told Bem that he would remain part of my life always. Even if we lost the physical component of our relationship, the strength of our friendship would remain. I told him how thrilled I was for him. I told him how that joy extended to Mary and the twins, because if Mary agreed to have him, like I very much suspected she would, that she would be getting the very best man she could get.

I admitted to Bem that I was selfishly sad for me and Shawn. There would be no more Bem special features, no more all-day romps, no more lessons on sex. I told Bem about the joy that he'd brought to my life, and how much the secret of his past had meant to me. I told Bem how proud I'd been when he gave me that trust. I told him how much I loved and respected him and what he'd meant to me at every point on the path from my old life to my new one.

When we'd told each other everything we could, when we'd shared all there was to share, Bem climbed out of my lap to sit at my side again. I shut my magic down and felt the emotions of my friend recede from my mind. I felt myself pull back into the shell of my body, to exist on my own, separate from Bem. I put my arm around my friend and pulled him to me.

The view of the sky, when I saw it again, surprised me. The sun was still rising. I'd felt like Bem and I had talked for hours, but the position of the sun told me that it was less than five minutes. I guessed our deep connection made communication very efficient. It was an interesting phenomenon, but not one I was prepared to analyze in that moment. I wasn't done enjoying my friend.

"I'm sorry this hurts you, Big Guy." Bem said in a quiet, introspective voice at my side.

I shook Bem's shoulders with my arm. "Can't have it both ways, I guess. If you get to be happy, and if Mary gets to be happy, that will make me happy."

"Thanks, Church. You're a great friend...my best friend."

"And you're mine...my very best friend."

Silence fell between us, and we watched the sun until it was full morning. Sitting there with Bem, the feeling was both similar and different from a few days before when he told me his secret. I felt special that Bem had thought enough of me to share himself with me. That didn't mean I wasn't worried. I was worried, but I was hopeful.

My worry this time was different. When Bem had shared his secret, I worried if he'd ever be able to get over it enough to find happiness. That morning, when he shared his hopes for a future with Mary, I worried that future would hold all that Bem needed it to hold. I mentally crossed my fingers for luck and pledged that I would do everything in my power to see that Bem's life turned for the better. I didn't know what that meant other than being there for my friend, but even if that was all that I could do, I'd do it with gusto. I promised myself that Bem would never want for someone to talk to, ever again.

When the sun was up, Bem yawned and kissed me lightly on the cheek. "I love you, Church." He said to me. "I hope you know that."

"I love you, Bem, and I always will."

Bem took his leave and went back to Mary's room to catch up on some sleep. I stayed on the swing for another few minutes to collect my thoughts before I went inside.

I loitered in the kitchen over a decision. The question was, to cook, or not to cook. The problem was Joe. After the way my brother had treated me the night before, I was in no mood to see him. If I did see him, I didn't plan to cook for him. That was a problem on its own because I couldn't very well make breakfast for myself and the rest of the house and not feed Joe.

I was mad, but I refused to be petty. I also knew that if I did stoop to that level of childishness, it would give Joe some dark satisfaction that I reduced myself while he remained stoically superior. `Fuck him.' I thought and went to the bedroom to wake Shawn.

"I'm taking us to breakfast. Please get pulled together." I said as Shawn rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

He stumbled toward the bathroom, and I went back into the upstairs corridor to think of my next move. I needed to talk to Andy. I wasn't sure what Joe planned to say to him about the argument he and I had. I didn't know what I planned to say either, but I couldn't let Joe have his say first. Joe would at least try to poison Andy against me. At worst he would try to do that and hurt the boy at the same time.

I tapped on Andy's door, and he opened it. He was still in his night clothes, but he seemed like he'd been awake for a while. "Shawn and I are going to breakfast. I'd like you to go with us." I said.

Andy, the dutiful son, voiced some concern for his father. "What about dad?"

I gritted my teeth at the mention of my brother but tried not to show my anger. I told Andy as much as I was willing to without getting into details. "Your father and I had a disagreement last night and some of it concerns you. I need to talk to you, and I don't want to do it here. Will you come and eat with us without asking me questions?"

Andy seemed to brace himself against the unknown, and he nodded a shallow nod. "Do I have time to shower?" He asked.

"Make it quick."

He nodded again and backed into his room to gather his clothes.

I went downstairs to wait. I was about to sit on the loveseat when I heard the twins stir in the family room. Shit,' I thought, who's going to feed them?' I assumed it would be close to lunch time before Mary and Bem woke up and Joe hadn't stirred yet. The fact that Joe was still asleep was unusual. I thought maybe it was because he'd been up late thinking about what a miserable shit he'd been to me, but that was too much to hope.

It was more likely that Bem and Mary had kept Joe awake with the sounds of their pleasure. That idea pleased me to no end. Not the idea of Bem banging my sister, but the idea that they'd likely kept Joe awake while doing it.

"Guess it's up to me." I said to no one. I went downstairs, found the suitcase the twins had been living out of since they moved to Joe's, picked out matching outfits, and helped them get cleaned up and changed. I didn't bother with baths as Mary usually took care of those in the evening. I got them to brush their teeth and helped wash their little faces and made sure they dressed without fussing.

The addition of the twins to the party meant a regular diner would be no good. I needed someplace to eat, someplace to loiter while I had a serious talk with Andy, and someplace that could entertain twin eight-year-olds. I remembered a theme restaurant at the edge of town and hoped it was still there.

Eager Ebert's Family Fun Breakfast & Lunch would check all the boxes for a place to eat and a place to entertain kids. Eager Ebert was a rooster who wore a straw hat and a flannel shirt and bib overalls. He was the mascot and host of a two-meal-a-day restaurant that catered to families with young kids. They had a clown that did balloon animals and a small playground with swings, see-saws, a jungle gym, and other miscellaneous kid's stuff.

"Eager Ebert, here we come." I said as I finished getting the girls ready.

Andy and Shawn came down at almost the same time. I turned Hannah and Leah over to their charge and went to the kitchen to leave a note. I wound up leaving two, one for Joe and one for Mary. The one to Mary read, Mary, took the girls to breakfast at Eager Ebert's. If you want to reach us, Andy has his phone.' The one to Joe read, Joe, took Andy to breakfast. Get fucked.' I looked at what I'd written to Joe and thought better of it. I tore the `get fucked' from the paper and threw it in the trash.

Shawn and I herded our young guests into the Town Car, and we left without ever seeing my brother.

Breakfast became an issue when Shawn opened the menu and remembered the livestock auction from the previous afternoon. He refused to eat anything that came from animals, including dairy and eggs. I felt bad for bringing him to a place that surrounded him with eggs and fried meat.

Since we were already there, I tried to make the best of it for all of us. It took some major creativity, but between me and a very sympathetic waitress, we were able to select meatless breakfasts for everyone that tasted decent and were filling. Even the twins enjoyed their avocado-based breakfast burritos.

Once they were fed, I sent the twins to occupy themselves with a small group of other kids in the little playground. Eager Ebert's Eggsellent Eggtivity area was fenced in against the restaurant and visible through big plate-glass windows. That way the girls could have fun and I could keep an eye on them.

It was time to talk to Andy. I'd spent the drive over and the entire meal thinking about what I could say to the boy that would defend my position, protect him from his father's prejudice, and not drive a wedge between us. I opted for some partial truth and lies of omission.

"Andy, I think your father is going to be difficult about going to Solum. I think he's worried about the culture differences and about dealing with life there. I may have to force him to go with us. I'm not asking you to take sides against your dad. I'm asking you not to interfere if I need to...well...anything I might have to do. If there's any fighting to be done, let it be between me and him. Would you do that?"

"Did something happen?" Andy asked.

"I think yesterday set him off. When you went with us without telling him and you left your phone, it made him mad. I think he's worried about control...not control maybe...maybe uhm...he wants to be your father and he wants to teach you to be a man in his own way. He understands life here, and he knows how he would guide you here, but he doesn't know Solum. I think he's worried of losing influence...that's the right word, influence over how you finish growing up."

Andy drooped. He leaned over the table and sprawled his arms across the egg-yolk-yellow Formica surface. "It's `cause I'm gay, isn't it?"

"No!" I lied. "What would make you say that?"

"I'm not stupid, Uncle Church." Andy said to the tabletop with the same youthful indignance he'd used when he'd told me that he knew what telekinesis was. "As soon as Dad saw the pride pin you bought for me, he made me take it off and give it to him. He didn't say anything, but I know what he thought. Just the look on his face was enough to know he was upset. What did he say to you?"

The heel of my right hand rubbed the back of my neck hard with worry. The boy was perceptive, and he knew his father well enough to know the love that Joe pledged to him when he came out, didn't mean acceptance. I looked to Shawn for help. My husband leaned forward, into the conversation.

"Andy, your father loves you a lot, but he doesn't understand. I think all this has been too much for him. We turned his world upside-down, and he still doesn't know which way is up. He doesn't love you any less. He's just confused. I think with time, he'll figure out how to accept who you are. In the meantime, he may say things that hurt. I know that deep-down, he doesn't mean them. So, let's try to be careful around him and not give him any reason to get upset. If he does get upset, don't argue with him, and if he says something that hurts, try not to blame him for it."

I stared at Shawn and wondered where all that understanding came from. The night before, he had been the one to lobby Mary and Bem to my side.' He'd also threatened to destroy' Joe if he ever made me feel bad again. Now he was treating Joe's homophobic tirade like it was the unfortunate side-effect of information overload. It took everything I had to keep from asking if Shawn had lost his mind in the night.

Shawn apparently sensed my confusion and put a comforting hand on top of mine. He met my eyes and tilted his head. I took that to mean we'd talk later. I found my voice and used it to reinforce what Shawn had said. "Shawn is right." I asserted like I believed me. "Your dad will come around. We just need to give him time."

Andy sat up straighter and seemed to feel better. "What do you need me to do?"

Shawn answered that for me. "Just keep out of it. Don't argue and don't take sides. If your father lashes out at you, walk away from him, and let one of us handle it."

"I can do that."

"It's for his good, Andy." I added. "He may be angry, he may even say he hates me, but once we're there and he's back on his feet, he'll know we did the right thing."

Andy agreed and since it was already Wednesday, we only had two days and three nights before we would be on our way. We figured we could handle whatever Joe could dish out for that long.