ROUGH SPORTS
My last two years of college I had a relationship with a bisexual student, and experimented with some threesomes, but found that the women turned me off in group sex, and the whole thing was just too complicated. After graduation I moved to Boston determined to further explore a gay identity (as opposed to a bisexual identity).
But I found most of the guys at the gay bars to be so effeminate, that I just wasn't attracted to them. Then I discovered the Fens -- a park that had a real active sex scene after dark. And there were many, reasonably masculine "regular guys" (straight, I guess) just stopping off at the park for a quick, NSA blow job.
It was there that I met a predominately straight guy around my age named Bill, who I would suck off on a fairly regular basis for years. And this time I completely understood my place as his gay cocksucker -- there was no romance whatsoever. He lived in the North End (the Italian neighborhood). I would come over, usually on a Sunday afternoon, and while he watched sports on TV, I was down between his legs servicing him for hours. The sports on TV somehow made it not so queer, more like just some guy with his sucker-buddy admirer. It was pretty sweet; we were both in our twenties.
At the same time, I was going to gay bars, trying to find a real relationship... but at least I got it clear that these kinds of no-strings yet ongoing blowjob arrangements with predominantly straight guys were not going to develop into anything romantic. It is a whole separate thing. I didn't share any interests with Bill, we had nothing in common, and that was what made it work so well and for so long. It was strictly sex, but with a real power thing going on.
I still had strong masochistic urges, but I didn't know what to do with them, I didn't understand them, I didn't know what they meant, and they scared me. But my sex drive eventually overpowered my fear. ___
I tried some leather bars in Boston, but found that many of the men there were phonies -- male nurses and hairdressers dressed up in leather, talking about divas and interior decoration, etc. Nothing is so ridiculous as a snooty Bostonian fag dressed up as a cowboy or a biker -- give me a break for chrissake!
Then I went to the Mineshaft--a private S&M club in NYC. I met a (gay?) guy there named Richard who took me home to his place in Jersey City and I stayed there all weekend. He explained a lot to me -- for example, that these were just roles that we assumed temporarily in order to heighten the thrill with the sexualization of of power, control, cruelty, submission, etc.
He called it the enactment of a "scene," and just as in a scene from a play in a theater, there are characters, "scripts," costumes, props, setting, lighting etc. I tried a number of things for the first time with him that weekend: he spit in my face, yanked me around by the hair, made me strip while he remained fully clothed, pissed all over me, made me lick and worship his feet, put me in the closet as a sort of "punishment," etc. But the biggest thing for me, and the biggest turn on for sure was being verbally abused -- he called me everything in the book, and I found it very very arousing -- and since I knew it wasn't "real" (i.e he didn't really feel this way about me) I could just abandon myself, sink into it and enjoy being the object of his contempt.
But he wanted to have the scene go on and on and on -- for hours staying in the roles. He also really wanted to fuck me up the ass, but this was unsuccessful (I don't like to get fucked). I came away from the weekend with a lot of new knowledge and self-insights, but I did not choose to continue to explore this S&M world with him (or with any other gay S&M guys) because it was too much of an entire lifestyle. I wanted to "spice things up" every once in a while with some negotiated power exchange "scenes" -- but what he wanted a live-in sex slave. Oddly enough, he was a psychologist who specialized in couples therapy and marriage counseling (weird?). I realized then that I would not be able to pursue an identity as a S&M guy, but it gave me a lot of material for development of sex scenes with my straight sex buddies. *** For example, with Bill -- the Italian guy from the North End -- he had never done any of this shit before -- I mean, he had let a couple of queers suck his cock I guess, but had never gotten into name-calling, slapping the bitch, ordering the fag around, spitting in his face, pissing on him, etc. Once he tried it, he really liked it; and we continued to explore these directions.
What was added here was the sadistic element -- before, it was strictly dominance and submissive surrender, but now an element of cruelty, humiliation and most erotic for me: shame. However, it was a simulated shame, not true shame (because I was not really ashamed of being gay). He had the meanest facial expressions. Sometimes he would tell me to look up at his face (while I was sucking him), and he would curl his lip and frown with his eyebrows and stare at me down there with this powerful, contemptuous gaze.
I found that lots of straight guys who like to get sucked off from time to time by a queer, really get into the domination thing, once they know it is okay to do this. What I like to do is to draw out these dormant sadistic urges in these kinky straight guys, and let them know it's alright to treat me cruelly like this with unsubtle displays of dominance, contempt, anger, and disgust. __
NATURAL NEEDS AND PERVERSE DESIRES It might seem on the surface that masochism is going against some really basic, natural and healthy needs that every person has: needs for social acceptance; for a sense of personal empowerment; and for the pursuit of pleasure (and the avoidance of pain).
Everyone has these needs, even, paradoxically, the masochist, who seems to seek out the opposite: instead of a need for social acceptance, he has a strong desire for humiliation and social shaming; rather than needing to feel a certain sense of mastery over his environment, he has a compelling urge to be overpowered; and in contrast with the natural pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain, he seems to crave the opposite.
No wonder for years many people thought it was a type of mental illness. However, this seeming contradiction is more apparent than real, because by temporarily suspending these needs during the role-playing enactment of a sadomasochistic scenario, there is an opposite, homeostatic effect afterwards. ___
NATURAL NEED FOR RESPECT VS. PERVERSE DESIRE FOR DOMINANCE
NEED for acceptance & respect (incl. self-respect)
TOP MAN desires worship & adulation (narcissism): direct result - feels more confident, powerful & calm afterwards
FAG desires disparagement & humiliation (masochism): homeostatic effect - feels more confident, powerful & calm afterwards __
NATURAL NEED FOR POWER VS. PERVERSE DESIRE FOR CONTROL
NEED for certain level of control & mastery of environment
TOP MAN wants absolute control; mastery over others (dominance): direct result - feels cruelly, brutally, crushingly potent during role-playing session and masterful afterwards
FAG wants to give up control; subordination to others (submissiveness): homeostatic effect - feels powerless and emasculated during session but virile and masterful afterwards __
NATURAL NEED FOR PLEASURE VS. PERVERSE DESIRE FOR PAIN
NEED for pursuit of pleasure & avoidance of pain
TOP MAN seeks pleasure at other's expense; wants to inflict pain (psychological and/or physical): direct result -:feels cruelly, brutally, crushingly potent during role-playing session, and masterful afterwards
FAG wants to give pleasure; welcomes humiliation & pain (psychological and/or physical): homeostatic effect - euphoria
The natural human needs are fundamental, wants and desires however, although related, are not necessary to human existence, but belong to the realm of fantasy. Sadomasochism is a perverse sublimation of our natural social needs into narcissistic and aggressive abuse and masochistic appeasement, indulged in periodically for the depraved thrill of it.
Despite the appearance otherwise, sadomasochistic desire in the end does not contradict healthy social needs, but reinforces them, either directly (for the dominant partner) or in the homeostatic effects afterwards (for the subordinate partner). Sadists crave the exhilarating, brutal feeling of power and control, masochists endure the shame and pain in order to experience the relief, empowerment and euphoria they feel as a result.
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MASTER'S DEGREE IN SLOBBERY SUCKIN' I met Dave in the university library while I was in grad school. He was a short, somewhat overweight black guy, with bushy eyebrows that gave his gaze a solemn intensity. He was not particularly good looking, but exuded such a strong sexual hunger and dominant will that it aroused in me an immediate desire to kneel before him and submit to him completely. From the moment we first made eye contact -- it was like he just knew that I was a subordinate cocksucker whom he could easily dominate. I felt myself starting to get a hard-on as he walked over to me.
After some introductory small talk, he put his hand on my shoulder, brought his face close to mine and told me in a hushed voice appropriate for a library, that his wife was pregnant and that he really needed some relief. He had on sweatpants and was rearranging his basket provocatively while he told me of his dilemma. Picking up on this, I asked him if he wanted to come back to my apartment to have a beer or a shot and he said "sure."
My small studio apartment was only a five-minute walk from the library. We continued to talk about the weather, the university bureaucracy, comparing the law school to the art department, the inconvenience of the parking, and other unimportant things as we walked, and I was wondering how I was going to bridge the subject once we were back home, but I felt pretty certain that I had not misjudged his sexual intentions--the guy fuckin' smelled like testosterone.
It turned out I didn't need to worry, because he made the first move. Seconds after I handed him a beer, he pulled his sweatpants all the way down to his knees and I got down and kissed his basket through his underwear all over, real queer-like, real submissive. I pulled down his briefs and sniffed out his nuts--he had just come from the gym and they were all sweaty and smelly.
He didn't say much--at least not this first time. His lack of verbiage, his lack of appreciation, and his lack of reciprocity made him seem like a cold and distant pagan god made of stone, rather than a man that I was worshiping. I sucked him real good, but was unable to get much of a reaction from him--he was kind of stiff, but it was sexy--he was really loaded with sperm. It didn't take him very long to cum -- then he told me to swallow (the only words that were spoken). Afterwards was very awkward--I think he was conflicted about it, and he left without even thanking me.
However, later that evening, I got a knock on my apartment door, and it was him, returning for another blowjob--so I blew him and he left. He showed up two or three times a day for the next few days, and just when it was beginning to be a bit much, he stopped coming over. Then I didn't hear from him for months.
This was the pattern--I ran into him somewhere, we came back to my place, and he returned over and over for blowjobs for the next few days--then I wouldn't see him for months again.