PROLOGUE: OUTLAW IDENTITY
Subordination, shame and humiliation are perversely arousing. Roughly used for another guy's pleasure or amusement, mocked, humiliated, insulted, and if I'm really aroused, spit at and slapped around--disrespectful, degrading treatment like that wildly excites me. It's not that I lack self-esteem--it's just that I want to leave my real identity behind and throw myself temporarily into this abject role for the sheer sexual thrill it gives me.
Although I may crave domination from other men, I am, ironically, a surprisingly aggressive subordinate -- I know exactly what I want and I go for it with an almost driven vengeance -- I'm not inhibited at all about expressing my desires (unconventional though they may be). Furthermore, I embrace my status as queer, as deviant, as pervert and sexual outlaw -- and I determinedly, consistently pursue highly transgressive, forbidden men as objects of desire, admiration and submission -- hypermasculine, married, primarily heterosexual men -- "stealing" orgasms intended for their wives or girlfriends, swallowing a dude's sperm that should have rightfully been theirs.
In submitting to these kinds of brutally domineering guys, I subversively function as a compliant target for all their pent-up, displaced anger and aggression, and act as a periodic, willing recipient of their bullying, domination and sadistic cruelty. I'm not at all being forced into submission but, on the contrary, am a willing foil for another guy's power-lust--in fact, I actively, eagerly seek it out. The following episodic chronicle of shameful, submissive acts on my part over the years (I'm in my late fifties), recalled and written down sporadically years later, has here been gathered together below and arranged in roughly chronological order from existing fragments.
HOW IT ALL STARTED
One day in the fall of seventh grade, I was approached by an eight grader, who lured me into an old garage by an abandoned house on the pretext that he and his buddy had something to show me there. I was flattered that these big tough guys wanted me to be part of their peer group and so I naively went with the kid.
The minute I entered the garage,I realized that two other guys were were there waiting for us. They had it all planned out. They grabbed me and held me down and one of them threatened to burn me with his lit cigarette. One kid was the leader; although he didn't participate in holding me down, he was actually in control of the situation. He said that they wouldn't hurt me if I did what they told me to.
They had me get down on the dirty garage floor and kiss their sneakers for them, which I did only because I was scared. I guess I was not showing much enthusiasm about doing this, so they threatened to hurt me if I didn't show more appreciation. "Act like you like it!" one of them ordered, and so I acted as if I loved kissing their shoes all over. My thought at the time was that if I just did what they wanted they wouldn't hurt me. This feigned enthusiasm on my part got a real rise out of them, I recall one of them saying they had a "live one" -- that is, someone scared enough by their intimidation to make a fool out of himself.
It was at this moment that the masochist in me was born. By my catering to their sadistic desire to lord it over me instead of resisting them, the boundaries between what they wanted and what I wanted began to blur for me -- I was there to be used for their pleasure and amusement and I guess to them I seemed to enjoy it.
I had a hardon by now and one of them pointed this out to the others and they all laughed about it. Soon everyone pulled out their dicks and before long they had me down on my knees blowing them. They were passing me back and forth among them, calling me names, making comments to each other about how queer I was and I just kept acting as if I enjoyed it in order to avoid giving them an excuse to really hurt me. They were probably surprised by my submissiveness, by how hungry I seemed to be for their dicks. It made me feel dirty and cheap and deeply ashamed of myself for not fighting back and just letting these guys use me this way. I can't remember how long it went on, or what exactly happened after that, but when they finally let me go and I went home, I was too ashamed to tell anyone about it.
They felt like big men, because they had made a younger kid do degrading shit for their amusement. It was as much or more about power than about sex. What started off as a sadistic hazing, ended up being a gang rape.
Although it was terrifying to experience all this at the time, I found myself returning to the incident in my masturbation fantasies over and over. The feeling of shame for being so compliant during the gang suck became sexualized; the hot blush of shame came to be associated with sexual arousal and eventually became for me a delicious and sensuous indulgence.
Later I would set up situations where I could simulate the shame I felt for real during and shortly after the incident. But this time, I would be in control of the limits and parameters of the scene.
Simulated shame, paradoxically, restores a sense of power to the masochist by casting the self as the author of its own shaming behavior (not others). The dissociation I experienced back then as a coping strategy and my desperate playing of the role of the eager cocksucker later served as a means to facilitate sadomasochistic scenes as an adult through throwing myself into the role of abject suck bitch who craves being used for another guy's base amusement and sadistic whims. ___
INSTINCTUAL DOMINANCE HIERARCHIES
The power dynamics of dominance is instinctual in all men, I think, and this competitive one-upmanship permeates male/male sports, business and social interactions. Most of the great apes (chimps, orangutans, etc.), some monkeys and all the baboons have dominance/subordinate hierarchies among males, a pecking order from top dog to marginalized, servile bottoms grooming their superiors.
To better understand our instincts, we can compare ourselves to other species. If we look at social animals, like our nearest relatives, the primates, they have dominance/submission behavior. When trying to understand sadomasochism not as a disorder but as instinctual behavior, we might learn a great deal from the natural dominance hierarchies in wild animals.
I found the following information particularly interesting in this regard, and have summarized below:
AGONISTIC BEHAVIOR: pertaining to the range of activities associated with aggressive encounters between members of the same species, including threat, attack, appeasement, or retreat.
This kind of behavioral display is used by social animals to establish dominance hierarchies between individuals or within groups without actually physically fighting.
There are usually separate hierarchies for males in the group and for females in the group (males tend to be both more aggressive in establishing these, and to maintain them more rigidly).
There are two types of social hierarchies, despotic and linear:
In DESPOTIC HIERARCHIES, there is an alpha member or alpha pair, and everyone else is equally submissive under him/them (i.e., the petty criminal and his small group of admiring cronies, who will do anything he says).
In LINEAR HIERARCHIES, every member has a place in a "pecking order," submissive only to those above them in the hierarchy, but dominant over all those below them (this is more common in groups of males -- i.e., the military, a sports team, a fraternity, a prison population, etc. -- from this point on, I will discuss social dominance in terms of all-male groupings.
Researchers have categorized the various levels of dominance/subordination in social animals using letters from the Greek alphabet.
ALPHA: The supreme dominant individual in the group.
BETA: The second-in-command -- can take over alpha role if necessary, but prefers playing second fiddle. The beta forms a strong bond with the alpha, who comes to depend on his support, and gives him preferential treatment for his loyalty (there is lots of misinformation on this on the net -- the beta is not a "yes man," he ranks very high in the pecking order -- outranked only by the alpha).
TERTIARY: The majority of members in the group, the "regular guys." They are sometimes subdivided into "gamma" and "delta" to denote their relative internal ranking.
OMEGA: The very lowest ranking individuals of a group -- often ostracized or scapegoated.
In any given group of guys, you see these roles -- right? We're just brainy apes, but we have the same instincts. The difference is, we can play with these instinctual urges -- the question is whether to be ruled by our instincts or to be the master of our instincts and play with them for recreational release.
Sadomasochistic "acting out" is a very crude, coarse, primal, raw, vulgar and narcissistic lust for physically demonstrating in very unsophisticated and no uncertain terms, complete mastery over another guy. But the open expression of this natural, instinctual drive for dominance is forbidden in our culture and is highly transgressive, and its dark "Other," -- willful subordination (what I'm into) -- is considered to be very shameful and unmanly (and therefore, provides a perfect target for the acting-out of sadistic dominance on the part of the Man through openly contemptuous treatment of the fag).
Little wonder, then, that all guys probably have some sort of fantasies about dominating other guys, -- most of the time they sublimate these controlling urges into their everyday life -- into their workplace, their relationships with family members (especially fathers and sons) and their man-to-man social life of drinking, playing cards, watching sports, sharing tales of sexual exploits and other activities with their buddies.
But every once in a great while, you run across a masochistic queer (like me), someone who actually wants to be dominated, shamed, insulted and abused, and at that point, all the mean, degrading shit you had been wishing you could do to another guy for years (like spitting right in a dude's face), is not just an embarrassing, fleeting fantasy -- it's a real possibility -- to actually act out some of the lowest, crudest, most degrading shit you can think of with a masochistic fag who is just asking for it -- practically begging to be the object of your cruelty, degradation and power display.
When I surrender myself to these kinds of powerful and compelling (yet embarrassing) masochistic urges, I don't feel I'm doing something strange and unnatural -- on the contrary, I feel as if I am tapping into something very deeply instinctual and primordial, stemming from a very archaic, primitive, animalistic part of my brain -- it is a willful descent into gross, brutal instinct either way, whether through cruel domination or cowering, groveling subordination.