It has been almost a month since the rainy day at the park. Michael and I had had almost no time together, not anything worth it. Summer was at its very end, days before we went back to school. We had only been able to hang out about 2 of the four Sundays we had been at church. Seeing each other was the most painful thing, a single look at each other without being able to touch, without being able to love, was excruciating pain. His face showed about as much depression as I felt.
I hadn't had any more problems with Robert since the incident at the mall, and he hadn't approached me about Michael or anything. Michael must have been doing a good job at home of keeping his love a secret. Michael had surprised me, because at his age Love is usually just a word, not a feeling, but he showed me more love then any "adult" could have. Even without having been together, the maturity it took to stay quite when we were close. It was little things like a smile and a blush in church or a when we would pass by we would bump each other just so our hands could touch. It was a love life that I despised but under no condition would I end it. I loved him with all my heart and I had spent almost a year toiling with the fact that he didn't love me back, just to find out that he did actually love me, and I was not going to lose that. So when opportunity presents itself you take it! "Hey Caleb! Caleb!" I was walking to my car and saw Chris running to catch up with me. It was a Thursday night and I was just leaving a committee meeting. "Hey, you got a moment?" "Yea sure what's up?" I said as I turned from my car. "Well the Youth Retreat is this weekend, you're going right?" I nodded "Well a few more people have just signed up to go, and I need to kind of jumble the rooms, and since you're here you get a choice. Michael and Robert are the two guys who just signed up, now I'm sure you'd want to room with Robert but I was just going to make sure." I fought to keep my smile from stretching across my face, my heart leapt; this was my chance to spend quality time with Michael. "Actually I wouldn't mind rooming with Michael instead." I tried to be coy and play this off as a random preference and Chris smiled at me with an almost knowing smile. "You know I thought I sensed something going on between you and Robert, everything ok?" I grinned as she said this. Mentally I took a deep breath as she came so close to my secret and still missed it. "You are good, and we're fine just would prefer not to spend that much time with him." I smiled again and said my good-byes. She was like my older sister and when I and Michael figured out where we stood and how we were going to do this, I would tell her the truth. ***Love is the funniest thing As joyous as warm summers day and Yet as tricky as a rainy night of spring
Here is the chance for us to go hand in hand***
Thursday night and into Friday morning I did the first thing I always did when something like this happens. I locked myself in my room and called my best friends. I black girl that was my age. She was beautiful and was very close to me. Her name is Tay. We were so close we referred to each other as `lover from another life'. I had told her everything that had happened with the exception of one thing. She was dating Robert, the same guy that had tried to make a move on me at the mall. And he was really good to her majority of the time, and despite his stupidity with me he was faithful. So there was no way I was going to break her heart and tell her he had kissed me, she didn't need to know that.
But she had been with me throughout my love for Michael so that is where I began. "Guess...just guess!" I said into the phone.
"I have no idea, guy c'mon just tell me." She was laughing at my excitement. "Well I was at church tonight..." I told her what had happened with the arrangements for the youth retreat. She listened intently and had stopped laughing. "No way! That's incredible!" She said. "I know...I can't wait." "I'm happy for you; it's about time you guys get to be happy." "Well what about you and Robert how are yall?" I said changing the subject slightly. "We are good, I think, he has been kind of strange lately." She said slowly as if she were thinking about it while she said it. "What do you mean?"
"He just seems so preoccupied when we are together, he actually asked me about you, and if you were dating?" She said shakily.
"I wouldn't worry about it...Tay he loves you, and that's all that matters." I said confidentially.
"Yea I know I just wish he wouldn't hold stuff in."
"That is a problem that every relationship has..." The phone call ended shortly after this. It was nice to be able to share something with someone so close. I and Tay have been an interesting pair of friends for quite some time now, and it's because of her that Michael and I even met.
***Friends I have everywhere
When it arises I have to see
The difference in between those
I call friends and those that are***
Friday morning came all too fast and it found me at the Church locking my car and placing my duffle bag in the back of the church van. There were more of us today so the van was pretty full. I stepped into the side door and had my foot heading to the back where my typical seat between Tay and Michael was left open, when two feet came over the back of the seat and Robert slipped down beside Tay. I looked a little disgruntled as I slipped into a seat two rows in front of them and turned so I could face the entire group.
The Trip was going to be a little long so I had brought a book, without much intent on reading it; of course I had also planned on sitting next to Michael. The fleeting seconds our eyes did meet saw the agony of the turmoil we shared. I chanced a smile and then let my eyes float around the group. I noticed him smile back as my eyes left him. I looked out the window and just let my thoughts wonder through all the events of the last month or so.
School was coming up and I was worried about what that would do to us, I was looking forward to the time we were going to get to spend together, I knew that a smile had slid across my face while I was thinking, as the thought of Michael all did.
"What you so happy about up there, Caleb?" It was Robert's laughing voice that pulled me out of my thoughts. I knew also that my face had dropped the smile and picked up a sneer.
"Just thinking about things, especially rainy days and how much I love them, they always make me smile." I said this with a straight face and was staring intently into Robert's face. Only two people in the van could have picked up on that if they thought hard enough. I said because I had meant to use it as a covert message to Michael. I think that he had gotten it correct when I saw him turn his head and stare out the window with a great big smile on his face.
"Right. So what made you want to room with my little brother and not me?" Tay, Michael and I all turned our heads to stare at him, it was unbelievable that he had just called me out like that, no one knew the entire story except for me, but this struck so many of the issues on the same level. I stared at him with a glare that would kill a cat but he stayed impervious with his grin that he showed so smugly.
Thank God I was blessed with a quick wit. "More intellectual conversation." I was known for being the biggest smart-alec most of them knew so everyone laughed at this including Tay. This got her an ugly look from Robert, who didn't know she knew as much as anyone on the events that preceded this. I knew that Robert didn't know me and Michael had anything between us but he knew too much about me.
***God has graced us with love
And the devil taunts us with fear
Will peace come by the wings of a dove
Or can our future not be that clear***
By noon we were unloading our stuff at the ski resort and taking them to our rooms. Michael and I walked into our room and dropped our stuff respectively in front of the two beds. The door was shut and locked, and everyone else was unpacking. We turned slowly unsure of what to do; it had been so long since we could speak freely. It was as if we thought with one mind, we walked forward and just embraced in a passion filled hug. His arms were around my chest and his hands gripped my back and my arms lay over his shoulders letting my hands rest on his head. I heard him sob.
"This is so hard." He mumbled
"I know but we will figure something out." I said I took a hand and lifted his chin so that we faced each other. Tears were lightly running down his face and I slowly leaned forward and placed a kiss on his forehead.
"How can you be so strong? You must think that I am a baby." He said.
"I think that you are amazing, being able to keep this such a secret, and I am only so strong because my love for you is so strong." He looked up at me and I slowly wiped away his tears with my thumbs. He leaned forward and kissed me again, letting his wet tears gently massage my lips. Then there was a knock at the door, a most annoying disruption.
"Coming!" I called and we let go of each other and before I turned I saw Michael go into the bathroom. Walking to the door my heart was pounding with the excitement of just being in his arms and the fear at who this could be. Opening the door I smiled into the face of Chris, she was smiling at me.
"Just making sure everyone is where they are supposed to be." I nodded and looked behind me. Michael was still in the bathroom, and his stuff was still packed at the end of the bed.
"Michael just stepped into the bathroom." She smiled and moved on to the next door where Robert and Ken were staying.
"Ok be in the great room of the lodge in 5 min." I smiled and waved at her as she called back to me. I shut and locked the door back and went to the bathroom door. Knocking softly...
"Michael?" He responded by opening the door and hugging me quickly again before we moved to our bags and grabbed our jackets so we could go to the meeting. As we walked to the door hand in hand, he looked up at me.
"I got your message today, about the rainy days. I love them too..." It was his way of being funny, but I knew that he loved me as much as I loved him. And one of the hardest things we had to do was walk out of the door and pretend that we were no more together then the sun and the moon. We stopped right behind our door and I leaned forward and kissed his forehead as he rested his head on my chest.
"Soon...I promise." I whispered to him. We split and made sure there were no tears anywhere and left the room, no longer hand in hand.
***Pain that should only be imagined
Comes so naturally to you and me
To feel the way we do, so burdened
Our love should be so carefree***
The meeting was just basic, don't do this, stay with someone at all times, be back by this time, etc... We were dismissed and a group of us began to move around outside the lodge. Some went toward the shopping areas, and some moved toward the lifts. I myself went toward the shopping areas with Tay, and Michael and Robert moved toward the lifts. They had done this before and enjoyed it; I had no desire to trust my life to two sticks racing down a hill at any speed.
It was hard to be away from him, but even harder to think of the pain and trouble it would cause to be open and honest at this point.
We spent the better part of the afternoon shopping and enjoying each other's company. Shopping in mountainous areas was always fun, you could always find the most retro things. I spent a nice part of an hour in a book store that had every book imaginable, and every book that I would ever want. Although I couldn't buy anything, the prices were a little outrageous, I just like to look. There was one store where you could by the most random things, like buttons with the best sayings. "It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you!" that one is my favorite, every time I saw it, it just makes my day.
As the evening rolled around my phone started to go off, where it had been silent all afternoon. I pulled it out of my pocket balancing bags and drink in on hand. It was flashing a number that I didn't know, but I answer it anyway
"Hello?" I said into the phone.
"Hey, where are you?" it was Chris, but calling from a number that I didn't know. She sounded almost panicked but as usual she remained cool calm and collected.
"We are out shopping; do you want us to come back?" I tried to sound light and calm so that she didn't get angry or upset.
"I need you..." She was short but not out of anger.
"What do you mean what's wrong?" I was a little worried now and didn't know what was going on.
"Well they were up on the slopes, and you're a CNA and I don't want to do anything in case something goes wrong, the medics have other cases and I told them that we could handle, it but now I'm thinking I was wrong and I don't know what to do, this could mean my job, and now he is hurt, and they were up there and..." She broke off almost in tears, her rambling had not helped.
"I'm on my way." I hung the phone up shakily.
"What's up?" Tay looked up at me.
"It's...someone is hurt...from the slopes...we need to get back now." I didn't sound rushed or panicked but I was scared. I didn't know what I was going back to find. I didn't want to go back and find Michael the one in pain or worse. I knew if it were too serious they for sure would have taken him to a hospital but otherwise why would they have called me.
Michael was the worst of the thoughts running through my mind, I couldn't think about him in pain, him being hurt.
We raced, running with all our breath back to the Lodge, it wasn't far and we made the time in almost record (in my opinion). I did get there first but even with short legs Tay kept up with me well.
Running into the lodge there was no one there so I stopped at the desk and asked if they knew where Chris was.
"Last we saw I think she was heading up to the next floor." They smiled at us as we sped walked over to the stairs and dashed up them. This was the floor that our rooms were on. We walked by most of them when we saw Chris come out of the room, with her arms crossed. I walked up to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"You ok?" I tried to smile but giving her a straight face was best I could do.
"Yea I'm fine, can you go check on him." She looked up at me.
I turned to the door and placed my hand on the handle, this was what I was trying to prepare myself for. I found myself sinfully wishing that it would be any other person but Michael. I walked in through the door and saw that Michael was sitting in a chair and the person on the bed, squirming in pain was Robert...
I almost laughed when I saw him; because I could tell from where I stood that there would be nothing more wrong with him then a sprained ankle or something that minor. I didn't laugh but I walked in a lot calmer then I had been. I watched as Michael perked up when he saw me, but I shot him the same warning glance we both gave each other when we knew it was too risky.
"What happened?" I asked in general
Michael opened his mouth to speak but Robert was quicker.
"I don't want you to touch me..." he mumbled in pain.
"Too bad, I'm the only one qualified to do it." I glared at him without any sympathy in my eyes.
"You...stupid..." I interrupted him because I thought I knew the words he was about to use, and in present company (Michael) and our present situation (Relationship) I didn't want him to hear such cruel words from his brother.
"Michael can you please go to our room and get my small blue bag, it has medical supplies in it, I should be in my duffel I'm not sure." He got up to leave and got the door when Robert spoke again.
"...fag" The last word was a whisper and the door shut with a clink so I was fairly certain that Michael had not heard him.
"Well look at the pot calling the kettle black!" I looked at him slightly manically. "You don't have a right to treat me like this, you kissed me..." I gave him a look that could have sliced through bread. I know that I had stung him by bringing this up. "Now relax and I can take a look at this." I bent down and placed my hands on his ankle and he jumped. I raised an eyebrow and looked up at him with a mocking look on my face, daring him to say something.
***I was scared for a moment
Your love flashed before my eyes
I should have known better
Our love will last all our lives***
I had fixed up his ankle easily and had him resting in bed on two Ibuprofens. He wasn't asleep but he had decided to verbally leave me alone, and so I left. I was in my room resting on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands when I felt hands running through my hair. This was a big tick for me; I could spend hours in the hands of anyone that was doing this. The persons had their finger tips on my scalp running through my thick hair, massaging it just by pulling my hair.
I looked up and saw that it was Michael standing there. I smiled up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist pulling him so my face was resting on his stomach. He continued to play with my hair while I was holding him. Him stroking my hair, being the dominant one of us for the moment, the one with strength, the one standing, was very enthralling...not exciting sexually but made me want him to be mine all the more.
I took a deep breath and looked up at him. "I need a shower before bed." I stood and hugged him tightly kissing the top of his head. His hugs were the best, I love when he would wrap his arms around me and squeeze with all his might, I didn't hurt but it was a pressure that made everything in the world feel right.
I took a quick shower and came out wearing no shirt and sleep pants, my usual preference for sleep. Michael passed me and I saw it in his eyes, I couldn't quite name it but I knew what it meant. He was checking me out, and I knew then that his love was complete; he loved me with all his heart, physically, spiritually and mentally. And I loved him the same way.
I took my covers and folded them down so I could slip into the bed. I lay down in the bed and pulled the cover up a little past the waste. Laying there with my hands behind my head I was never more aware of my body then that point in time. I instantly became self conscious about the way I looked. I knew that I was a thick guy, but by no means was I fat, I didn't have any fat on me, and I was thick yes but just muscle. And I was tall so I didn't look stocky. Michael was the complete opposite he was thin and was tall to, but not as tall as me. It was as my thoughts wondered to Michael that the door to the bathroom opened and out rolled steam, and Michael stepped into the room. His body was smooth, with a soft ripple of muscle; he wore shorts and a sleeveless seedless shirt. He was gorgeous.
He took his old clothes and moved them over to his bag in front of his bed. He turned and looked at me and with a smile he went to sit on his bed. I looked at him with a smile in return and I slid down under the covers and lifted them a bit in his direction. He stood with a smile and walked toward me. He looked extremely nervous, and sat down very slowly. When he finally did lie down, I wrapped an arm under him and over his shoulder. With his head on my chest he let his other hand rest across me and in my hand.
It was the most comforting feeling to have his warmth added to mine, here and now. A place that should be so sensual was no perfect, with love. We didn't care about sex, we didn't want it, we had what we wanted the company of each other.
We lay like that for awhile and eventually our breath began to match each other. I felt a drop of something run down my chest. I moved my hand to place it on his cheek, wiping the tear away.
"What's wrong?" I asked gently.
"I'm scared. How can we keep this up?" He sniffed as he finished talking.
"We will think of something, as long as you know that I love you then we can make it." I tried to sound strong but the truth was that I had no idea how we were going to keep this up.
"If only my brother would understand if he knew he would surely help." Michael said it quietly.
"How can you say that? He would never understand, and you of all people, how can you want him to know?" I said a little confused and a little angry.
"It's just that he is my brother, and he treated me nice today before he hurt his ankle." He sound small and weak I didn't like this side of him.
"His foot is only sprained at best, and he isn't as good as you think. He is a hypocrite." I said almost venomously but still mostly calm.
"What...?" He said confusedly and he sat up off my chest and turned to me. His cheeks were stained with tears.
"How do you think he would react if he found out about us, if he found out about you?" I said.
"He would freak out, tell our parents, disown me and probably beat me." He said almost with a laugh but not quite with humor.
"Well that "straight" brother of yours tried to kiss me, at the mall the weekend before we went to the park. Actually he did kiss me and tried to hold me into it." I said with my eyes sternly fixed to his.
"What...what are you talking about? That can't be true he would never." He stumbled.
"Yea he did right before he informed me that you were straight and would never love me and that he knew I liked you!" I said as I took my eyes away from him, I couldn't look at him anymore. "And you saw what he tried to do on the bus; he tried to call me out on it." I looked at him incredulously, how someone I considered so smart could be so naïve about something like this was beyond me.
"Michael, don't be stupid about this...you know I love you..." I felt like I had said something wrong when he gave me the pained look that told me he was hurt. He had worn the enough already.
"Why would you lie about my brother just to keep him inferior to you?" Here was the intelligence and the backbone that I valued in him so much, flaring against me. This wasn't right; this wasn't supposed to be happening.
"Fine if that's what you think, tell your brother the truth, see if I care." I had said it before I could stop myself. Tears welled up in his eyes and he jumped off my bed and ran to the balcony. He stepped out on to it and shut the balcony door.
I on the other hand livid at myself stood up grabbed my hoodie and left the room. I went walking for the rest of the night. It was sunrise when I came back to the room, Michael was not there, and I thought it was for the best for the time period we were both confused and angry and didn't know what to do anymore.
***It was not the pain I wanted
All I cared about was you
I knew that knowledge was haunting
If only my touch could sooth***
Michael and I went the rest of the weekend avoiding each other, he moved to his brother's room leaving me alone in here. Even when I went to check on his brothers leg Michael would leave quietly to the balcony or the hall. He was avoiding me and I knew that I deserved it.
The last night we were there, I was sitting out on the balcony and was watching the snow fall with a blanket wrapped around me. The Balconies were very private with walls up between the adjoining balconies so that you wouldn't see your neighbor, but you could still hear them.
A sob floated over from the balcony to Robert's room. And the door gently slid open.
"Dan, there you are, aren't you cold?" Robert asked him.
"I'm ok." He said quickly.
"Have you been crying...what's wrong?" Robert sounded like he actually cared.
"It's no...nothing." Michael lied.
I felt awkward ease dropping on a conversation but I had a feeling more was going to come out at this conversation then previously.
"Really? Then why are you stuttering and crying? C'mon talk to me." He said patiently.
"It's...J...It's" the crying had begun.
"It's Caleb, isn't it?" He said and he almost sounded angry. "I knew he was going to try something with you in the room."
"He said you tried to kiss him." Michael blurted out.
Robert began to mumble and stumble over his words. "Um..."
"He told the truth?" Michael's voice was shock and fear. I stood up and walked to my door and walked in slamming it to shut it. I didn't want to hear any more, I didn't want to know how they settled with being brothers, which was their business.
***I try to move on
One step at a time
But I keep holding on
Trying to break the line***
We left that weekend and I didn't sit with any of them, no one sat behind me I was in the front. We rode all the way back and I wasted no time in leaving. I arrived home to questions on fun and friends. I answered a few and went to my room to sulk in quite. I slept horribly that night, so alone in my bed. The next day I had to make myself get up.
I couldn't survive anymore; I had ruined the love that had made me whole. It was gone and ruined because of my anger.
My phone began to vibrate.
"Hello..." I had to sound pathetic, but an extremely chipper voice answered on the other side.
"So are you done sulking?" Tay's voice was obnoxious at this point in time.
"Can I help you or have you just called to be a smart alec?" I said.
"No, no, I'm sorry; can you do me a favor?" She sounded calm now.
"What's up?" I asked wondering if this would help get my mind off of things.
"Can you come pick me up at the park?" She still sounded giddy. Why she was at the park was beyond me but it would be nice to get out of the house and drive. The park probably not the first place I would have picked just because it's boring and would force my mind to wander, but it was one of those take it or leave it moments.
"Yea sure, where are you?" I asked.
"Behind the statue of the General, see you in a few?" she said very brightly and hung up.
"Yea I suppose you will." I said into a beeping that told me she was gone.
I got up and left the house, it was late morning and a very nice winter day. We never had straight weather. It could be warm, or it could rain and then later it could snow, all in the same week. But today happened to be one of those warm days were you didn't even need a jacket.
Driving over there was nice, my music was relaxing and the wind was cool. I didn't have to drive far which was a bummer, but walking was just as nice. It took me a few minutes to walk from my car to the statue of the General. I looked around and didn't see anyone. So I moved behind the statue and toward a clearing in the trees. It struck me right then where I was...this was the same place that Michael and I had first kissed. For the first time in three years, a tear fell from my eye. Another and another followed. I hadn't cried in so long, it wasn't something I generally allowed myself to do, but this hit a nerve so deep it hurt, like my heart breaking all over again.
"Caleb!" Tay called to me from next to one tree and I wiped my eyes and began to walk towards her. When I was about ten feet away a person stepped out from behind the tree as well. Robert stood next to her with his arm around her shoulders.
"Tay...why is he here." I looked furious; any trace of sadness or despair had been replaced in my face.
"Caleb, calm down, now. I think you two need to have a chat." I looked at her slightly taken aback, she had no right to do this, and he had no right to be here. And I had no reason to say no.
"Well then talk..." I looked away toward the tree and prepared to listen.
"I think I owe you at least two apologies..." He spoke slowly, like he was contemplating his each and every word. This announcement came as a shock and made me snap my head back around and glare at him. "First I'm sorry for...kissing you that day at the mall." I looked at Tay almost unnerved and she was smiling.
"Oh believe me I know, and after I chewed him out; I liked the idea of having a Bi boyfriend." She laughed and he smiled down at her.
"Go on..." I said still angry and confused.
"Secondly I feel like I screwed up a good thing between my brother and you." If the first apology was shocking enough this one was a slap in the face. My jaw literally dropped, these people, my friends knew far more then I gave them credit for. I thought I was still the only one that knew all the details, apparently not. "Between Michael and Tay, they talked to me. And I understand now." He was smiling with this boastful smile that dripped with pride. Was I supposed to be proud of him, happy that he approved, was this supposed to make everything better?
"Wow! I'm so happy that you understand...because that makes everything better! Everything else is still ruined..." With as much sarcasm as I could muster and the current time, a tear slid down my cheek and I began to turn to walk away. I was almost around with my eyes still glaring at them a voice stopped me cold in my tracks.
"I wouldn't say they were ruined." The voice was behind me; I spun around completely and faced him. A smiling Michael stood there looking almost bashful.
"Bu...but..." I could do nothing but stutter. He looked at me and began to slowly walk toward me as if I would attack if he moved to fast. When he reached me I was so weak in the knees that, my legs gave out and I dropped to the ground as he grasped my hand. I could do nothing but look down. Michael bent down and lifted me up so that I once again stood a head taller than him, and he gave me one of his passionate hugs, and the world seemed to be sliding in and out of focus.
"We will get through this, I don't know how yet, but I love you Caleb and that's all that matters." He looked up at me and smiled at me. "Its funny, life, a month ago we were in opposite positions, I was the one in tears because my love was tearing me apart. Don't ever leave me again, and I will be yours forever."
I never found out exactly what happened before that meeting, and I didn't care, he was my love. Robert and Tay were great together and we were all as close as siblings could ever be. We were a happy family.
It has been nearly four years and our secret has survived with great help from Tay and Robert, and eventually Chris, who thought we were a great couple and knew long before we told her. She had intuition like that. I had just graduated with my Bachelors and he was going to be entering college in a few weeks. Nothing had compared to the month of time we spent in turmoil four years previously.
We sat in my car in the church parking lot before service had begun. Today was the day that we planned to show off our love, we had been debating our decision for a time now, my parents knew and accepted, and Michael's parents were coming to terms with it.
As I stared into his beautiful eyes and received a kiss from him I knew that things would be ok. We broke apart and got out of the car coming to the front of my car.
"You ready." I asked as I extended my hand to him.
"No, but it's now or never." He took my hand gave me a passionate hug and we turned and walked toward the church doors. Hand in Hand, Love following us in our wake...