Friends and Lovers

sorry for the wait.. here it is..

Raven

Friends and Lovers Nine

Disclaimers: Well let's see, the same as last time and the time before.. If you aren't aware of what was said, why are you reading this?

Notes. Raven still doesn't tell Kevin and Nick takes a turn down a long path which could lead to destruction or salvation.

Well the morning came and as Brian rolled over he realized that Nick was gone, it was seven in the morning and he was gone. He looked around the room, hoping to see some sign of him, but there was none his play station and sketchbooks were gone, he wasn't there.

"Nick where are you?" Brian murmured to himself he missed him already. The phone brought him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah?" He answered the phone.

"Brian get Nick up and come down to my room for supper." Kevin's chipper voice came over the phone.

"I'll be there but Nick is not here, he left."

"Where is he?"

"I don't know." Brian snapped.

"Brian I'm coming over."

"Kevin stay with Raven I'll be fine." Brian tried to stop his cousin from interfering, but he knew that it was a lost cause as Kevin would be there before he hung up the phone and climbed out of bed.

"Brian let me in." Kevin's voice came through the door.

"Just a second."

"Brian let me in."

"Hold your horses." Brian flung open the door to reveal a sheet clad Kevin slowly going read as the maid's ogled his half naked body.

"So cuz, forget to get dressed this morning?" Brian laughed at his cousin's predicament.

"Yeah yeah, let me in."

"I don't know if I should." Brian laughed.

"Either you move or I move you." Kevin pushed, against him, Brian moved back letting him in. "Talk to me."

"Kevin he's gone."

"Where, and why?"

"He told me last night that he wasn't a virgin, and that he would wait until I was ready."

"So how is that a bad thing?"

"I was well... showing him a good time, and he went to return the favor and I didn't respond to him." Brian blurted out as fast as he could.

"Brian you can't even look at me when you talk about it."

"Kevin it's strange to me, I love him I do, but.."

"But?"

"I love him I want to be with him, and I couldn't become aroused by him." Brian tried to reason it in his head.

"Brian you have to deal with this and in a way that won't hurt him." Kevin replied, he was trying to find away to say what he knew needed to be said, that wouldn't hurt Brian.

"You think that I'm with him because I don't want to hurt him."

"Brian that is a possibility."

"I love him."

"How do you love him? Brian you can't respond to him."

"I want to be with him."

"As his lover?"

" No as his partner."

"That includes making love with him, to him." Kevin said simply.

"I know I just don't think that I can." Brian whispered.

"Then tell him and let him go find someone who can."

"Why?"

"Brian it's better than him being hurt every time that he wants to arouse you and can't."

"Kevin I love him, it would kill me if he wasn't mine."

"So what are you going to do, let him go so he can be happy, or stay with him and what, learn to respond, fake it."

"Kevin!"

"Brian it's a valid question." Nick said from the door, he wanted to tell Brian in person that he was leaving him.

"Nick I love you."

"Brian do you love me enough to make love with me, to touch me and let me touch you. Do you think that I won't realize that you are faking it?"

"Nick I can learn to respond to you."

"I don't want you to learn I want you to just do it." Nick cried his voice carrying loudly to the other rooms, Raven, AJ and Howie met at the open door. Raven threw Kevin some clothes and pushed him to the bathroom so he could change.

"What is going on?" Howie asked, looking at the two younger men in front of him.

"Nothing." Brian was trying to deal with this alone with his boyfriend, but Nick was not letting him, as he blurted out "Brian isn't aroused by me." "Okay and you are still together." AJ blurted out, Brian looked up at him sharply and glared. " I love Nick."

"You love him?" AJ looked at him, he chuckled, "Brian a big part of love is an attraction and you do not have that apparently with Nick." AJ was trying to be gentle, but he knew that his words would not be taken as so.

"AJ stop." Nick cried defending his love. Brian looked up at him and smiled but Nick refused to look him in the eye. He reached out to touch him but he backed away. Raven watched the whole thing play out in front of her, and realized that she could never add to the stress that Kevin would be dealing with, especially with something that he could do nothing about. She sat on the bed as she realized that he decision was made and that she wasn't going to tell Kevin about the baby, her whole life was changed with this simple thing. AJ looked over at her and realized that she wasn't going to tell him and he couldn't he had promised.

"So what was decided?"

"I'm leaving Brian it is for the best." Nick said simply, he couldn't look at him however as he knew if he did his heart would break and he would change his mind.

"NO!" Brian cried he wanted to be with him, he needed to be with him, he wanted to change his mind, and yet he knew that he couldn't. He reached for him, he wanted to hold him one last time before he lost him, Nick let him and pulled him close to him and held on for dear life, saying goodbye in his own way. The rest of them watched as the youngest of them made a choice, which could send him into a tailspin.

Raven and Kevin walked slowly back to their room as Brian all but physically threw them out of his room. Kevin pulled her close to his body he smiled down at her,

"Kev what are you looking at, do I have something on my face."

"No you are beautiful, glowing in fact." Raven stopped and looked at him, he smiled at her, she wasn't sure but she thought that he might know.

"Why do you stay that?"

"You are, I don't know why, but you are."

" Kay, thank you." Raven smiled at him before she reached up to kiss him gently. As she pressed her lips to his she felt the first movements of her child, a reminder that she only had a few more weeks with him, she was going to have to leave him soon. '

"Kev, lets go eat, I'm starving."

"Kay, where do you want to go?"

"The room, we can sit and lounge over room service."

" You aren't feeling tired are you?"

"No why?"

"Well you were out with AJ all day yesterday and he can be very hyper and I don't want you to get tired as you are still recuperating from being sick."

"Kevin I'm fine he made me rest and was always watching to make sure that didn't over do it." Raven laughed, he was always looking out for her, he was going to be a good father, and that would have to get her through all the pain of leaving her child alone, she was going to have to tell Tera so that she could raise the child, as much as she loved Kevin he was always on the road and that didn't make him stable. She wanted her child to have a stable and safe environment, being the child of a Backstreet Boy was hardly a safe life; there were times that Kevin had come onto the bus with half a shirt. "Raven, are you okay?" "What, yes why do you keep asking me that?" She snapped at him. Kevin stood back she had never yelled at him before she was always calm even when she was angry she was calm. He reached out to touch her, "Don't," She said calmly she as so angry at the world and at him because he was going to see their child grow up and she wasn't.

"Raven I'm sorry I am I love you and I never want to upset you."

"Kevin I'm sorry I should never have snapped at you, I just don't want to be treated as an invalid because I was sick." Raven explained, Kevin nodded he understood, she reached for him and pulled him close to her, burring herself in his comforting presence.

"Can we just be us, no problems, no other boys to interfere?"

"Yeah we can." Kevin picked her up and cuddled her to him. They entered the room that way, entering a space where they were the only ones alive no problems to have to deal with. The one thing that Raven didn't like about her relationship with Kevin was that she became den mother to the rest of the boys.

The months have progressed; it just works for the story sorry...

Well it was two months latter, and Raven was packing her bag to leave she wasn't going to the concert like she told Kev, instead she was going home to hide at Tera's she couldn't be here anymore.

"Raven, open the door." AJ's voice sounded through the wood, they were in Berlin, and the doors in their hotel were very thick so it sounded like he was very far away.

"AJ you aren't changing my mind." She replied as she opened the door. Over the last two months she had confided in him and she knew that in doing so she had put him in an awkward position.

"You can't just leave, you are engaged to him, you are going to break his heart."

"AJ I can't stay I need to be with my Doctor, I've been here a month longer than I should have been."

"So tell him."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I can't. But you can after I leave, promise me after I leave."

"Raven I.."

"AJ I know that you are frustrated with this, but please after I leave then I give you permission to tell him."

"I have to accept that you are going to break his heart."

"Yes." Raven looked at him, he saw the pain in her eyes as she smiled at him, he face a mask of pain but she was being strong, the pain at a point where she was always grimacing.

"Are you going to take the pain med?"

"There is one that I can take. I will."

"Good" AJ replied he accepted the fact that she was running away. "Keep it." He said as she went to put the ring down, "he'd want you to have it."

"It means that there is hope for us if I keep it."

"There is."

"AJ."

"Raven there is, just have faith."

"I'm terminal AJ, and that means that there is no hope." Raven said, she had come to terms with it and was praying that Kevin could to. "I have to leave."

"I know." AJ opened the door for her, and looked back, he walked slowly towards the ring; he would give it to him and explain. By the time the concert was over she would be gone.

*********************8

Nick rolled over and collided with a hard body, the afternoon came back to him, his bed mate was a dancer, he was lithe and agile, but not Brain, as much as he was mad and angry at Brian he was more so at himself, he went from partner to partner. He fucked men after men, and each time he almost convinced himself that it was Brian, until he opened his eyes and saw that it wasn't.

"Nick you are going to be late,"

"So, who cares, they can wait for me."

"Nick go, I'll catch the next plane home."

"Why?"

"Brian is going to kill me before Kevin gets a chance, and we both know that you aren't going to want me around anymore." Mick said as he rolled out of the bed, he loved the sex and had for the past three nights, he had lasted longer than any of them.

"Mick stay, you don't have to leave."

"Yeah Nick I do, you could get away with it when it was just some guy you picked up on the nearest corner, but not with me."

"They can't fire you."

"They won't they will never look at me the same again, its not the guys it's the dancers."

"I understand." Nick flopped back onto the pillow, he watched as his lover, if you could call him that, dressed, pulling his tight white briefs over his firm ass, he wanted one last fuck and he wanted it now.

"Mick, come here." Nick whispered, flinging the covers back revealing his hard body to the other man.

"Nick no."

"Please I need it before the show I crave it." Nick crawled over to him at the end of the bed, he looked up at him his eyes pleading as he reached out and grabbed him. At that moment Mick knew he could never say no, he did care for the young blond.

Nick placed his mouth over the older mans hard throbbing cock, sucking him into the warmth of his young mouth. Mick moaned as he felt the flick of his tongue around his head, his voice carrying out into the hall. Brian went to knock and let Nick know that they were ready to leave, as Kevin had gone already because he wanted to purpose to Raven that night. He had been asked to get Nick ready by Howie, who still held the hope that he would be with the younger man at some point. As he went to knock he heard the moan and knew that it wasn't Nick, Brian stopped he wanted to knock, and yet he couldn't.

" Brian you okay?" Howie asked as he came across him in the hall, his question was answered when he heard the deep moan, came through the door.

" Nick are you ready?"

"No, leave me alone." Nick yelled back as he took his lovers throbbing cock out of his mouth, and positioned him at his hole, as he leaned back on the bed, and pulled him to him, he wanted to be joined to him, he needed it, he wanted him, somebody wanted him.

"Nick no."

"Mick fuck me." Nick pleaded with him, he pulled him into him with his legs around his waist, he sucked in a quick breath as the full length of him was suddenly in his body. "Oh God you feel so good, fuck me." Nick yelled at the top of his lungs. Brian stopped his body frozen as his heart broke in his chest, "Howie make him stop." Brian looked at him; he wanted the pain to stop.

"Come on Brian."

"No make him stop." Brian yelled, he was seething; he hit the door repeatly, yelling, "stop" over and over.

"Brain stop." Howie pulled him away from the door.

"Howie no. Make him stop." Brian whimpered over and over again. Mick stopped his movements as he heard the pounding on the door, he was sure he had heard it, but Nick was having none of that, he wanted to be fucked. His whole world was centered on that, he wanted to be fucked and fucked hard.

"Harder," He moaned, deeply arching to pull even more of him into himself, if he was going to lose him, then he wanted the best fuck of his life before he went.

AJ walked over towards Nick's room running into Brian and Howie on the way, his husband holding the other man up, as he was crying on his shoulder, his face read from the brutal crying.

"What happened?"

"Nick is... is fucking some guy in his room." Brian stuttered out, AJ drew back as he heard the words come out of Brian's mouth, he never swore and yet he was.

"I'll get him, you get Brian to the car, we'll take a cab."

"I'll have a limo waiting for you." Howie replied, he wasn't letting his husband take a cab; they would be mobbed every time the car stopped.

"Kay," AJ agreed.

"I love him.' Brian said, as Howie pulled him away. AJ placed his head against the door, he was gathering his thoughts. He stood straight up when he heard Nick scream at the top of his lungs. "Ohhh God yes, harder fuck me, god fuck me." Reaching into his pocket AJ pulled the master key that Kevin had given him, in case he needed it.

"Nickolas Gene Carter, get you ass out of bed, and who ever is in there with you had better be hiding." AJ yelled before he opened the door. Nick and Mick stopped in mid fuck as AJ burst into the room.

"AJ don't you ever knock?"

"Shut up Nick, and get your ass ready, I'm not putting up with this."

"I can do what ever I want."

"Nick cover up," AJ threw a blanket at him, he noticed the other man in the room. "You have a concert to do, you get going."

"AJ I.."

"Mick right?" He nodded, "GET OUT." AJ snarled, throwing his clothes at him.

"AJ you have no right.'

"Like hell, you are destroying this band one member at a time."

"What?"

" You are destroying the best thing in your life." AJ repeated.

" No I'm not he did it himself."

" Nick he loves you."

"Really, you think that he loves me. Yeah right."

" Nick, he does."

"Yeah right," Nick flipped over on the bed, he didn't want to deal with this. It hurt too much, he loved him and he couldn't have him.

"Nick, stop it, why are you so determined to do this?"

"Do what?"

"Kill yourself."

"I'm not killing myself."

"You are having unprotected sex with many partners and you don't think that it will kill you."

" I will not die."

"Nick please let us help you."

" I don't need help."

"Nick you do to." AJ argued.

" Leave me alone."

"Nick we all love you, but what you are doing is going to destroy our relationship, and the group."

"What do you mean our relationship?"

"Our friendship, the way that we hang out together. I love you but I refuse to look at you and accept your actions." Nick listened to all of this then he went on the attack.

"Shut up, you have everything."

"Everything?"

"You have a man that you love who loves you, he responds to your touch and he liked it when you are around him, he loves to feel you against him, I don't I never will."

"Nick he loves you."

"No he loves the idea of me, he loves the idea that he has this effect on me."

"Nick no he doesn't."

"AJ leave me alone, I'll be at the concert I need to sleep, I need to be alone."

"Nick you have to face him at some point."

"What do you mean?

"He was outside the door, he heard it all, he was begging Howie to make you stop, he wanted Howie to make you stop, it was killing him." AJ hoped that him knowing that would bring him back.

"Really then why isn't he with me. Oh yeah he doesn't get aroused by me." Nick asked then answered, hitting himself in the head as though it was the easiest thing in the world.

"Nick he.."

"AJ stop it, he doesn't love me, he never did."

"Nick."

"Get out I'll be in the limo in ten minutes, I need to dress."

"Shower first, we can wait."

"Oh and have Kevin on my ass. No way."

"Like he won't be when he smells the sex on you."

'Still at least that I can handle." AJ looked at him and just shrugged his shoulders; he was giving up if Nick wanted to hurt himself this way then so be it.

*******************8

Raven sat in the departure lounge knowing that Kevin was going to be heart broken, but she knew in her heart this was best, he would go on and find a perfect woman, who would love her child and let him raise him or her as theirs. The only fear that she had was that the woman who raised he child would never understand why in her will she left the job of Godmother to a witch. She loved Tera as a sister and she would love for her to raise the baby but she wouldn't force that on her she wasn't going to ask her to give up her dream of being a Vulcanologist, just to raise her kid.

"Flight 455 to Toronto, with connections to Calgary now boarding at gate 34." A voice calling her flight brought Raven back to earth. She moved to board the plane and leave Kevin behind. She didn't look back because if she did, she would want to go back to him and ruin his life.

AJ paced the halls of the arena waiting for the perfect time to tell him, but he also needed the perfect way to tell him.

"Honey are you okay?" Howie asked as he came upon his husband, he had just finished convincing Brian that he could look at Nick and that he could perform with him.

"Yeah fine"

"Alex?'

"Yeah?"

"Why aren't you looking at me, this has been going on for months every time that I ask you if you are okay you say fine but don't look me in the eye. What is going on?"

"Howie I made a promise to Raven and I have to tell Kevin then I'll explain it to you."

"Tell me what?" Kevin asked as he came up to them, he had heard the last of the conversation.

"Kevin, Raven left."

"What no she didn't"

"Yeah she did. She left this afternoon."

"No."

"Kevin she was hiding a secret from you."

"What, she tells me everything."

"Not this." AJ whispered, he couldn't look him in the eye; he was so ashamed that he had kept it from him this long.

"AJ tell me."

"She's pregnant."

"Is that all, so what I'm thrilled."

"She's been pregnant the whole time she was here."

"What?"

"Kev, she's pregnant and she didn't tell you because she has breast cancer and she chose the baby." He blurted out really fast.

"I missed something their, she chose the baby?"

"She's dying, she chose the baby over herself."

"And you know how?"

"She told me and then made me promise not to tell you or anyone. Kev I gave her my word." AJ tried to explain he wanted to make him see where he was coming from.

"You gave her your word?" Howie asked he was shocked that his husband could even keep this from him.

" I promised her, she told that she would tell you, but she couldn't"

"So she just left?"

"Yeah Kev, she did." AJ replied, he still couldn't look him in the eye.

"AJ look at me, please."

"Kev.." AJ looked at him, his voice caught in his throat, and his eyes began to water.

"AJ I understand, I do, but this still hurts that you kept it from me."

"I know, I can't take it all back, she left this.' AJ handed over the ring.

"I don't want it."

"Kevin if you have a daughter then you can give it to her." Howie tried to get him to except the ring. He looked at him, and half smiled, "She wanted the baby, over a life with me."

"No Kev, no she found out that she was suffering breast cancer when she found out about the baby, she chose to keep the baby, she wanted you and her to have the child together."

"She chose it over her own life, over the life that she could have had with me."

"She didn't know at the time treatment was detrimental to the baby, and when she did, she chose the child because she wanted you to have the baby."

" AJ let it go, I can't think, all I know is that she chose a unborn child over me." Kevin walked away, he was mad at her so mad.

"Howie, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you."

"Alex you should have told Kevin, he had a right to know."

"Howie, please understand that I promised her."

"I understand that but you also know that he won't forgive you easily."

"I know." AJ opened his arms and waited for his husband to pull him in and make in feel better.

"Alex I need to think about this, and I still have to get Brian calmed down so that he can do this concert with out crying every time he sees Nick." Howie turned away; he wasn't ready to deal with the fact that his husband lied to him. AJ watched him walk away and realized that he would have to work very hard to explain it and then regain his trust. But first they had a concert to get through; he had a suicidal Nick to keep alive and away from an angry Kevin as well as a sad, emotional basket case Brian.

They group performed well they looked and acted like the same old boys but those in the crew knew better, they knew that Kevin was avoiding AJ as was Howie, who could never resist pinching or smacking his husbands ass while on stage. While Nick was going out of his way to flirt with Mick in the stage and drive Brian to the point where Howie had to grab him away from the edge of the stage before he walked off. The band and dancers all knew that some thing was up, especially when Mick quit after the show. Fatima called a group meeting with the boys after the concert, the tone of her voice leaving no doubt as to her seriousness.

"Tima we really don't want to do this." Kevin tried to tell her as she walked into their dressing room a few minutes after the show.

"To bad sit down." She pushed him down and turned to look at the rest of them. "We are going to talk, so someone start." She stood against the door, letting them all know that they were not getting out of there anytime soon.

"There is nothing to talk about." Nick muttered under his breath.

"Nick, go ahead and let us all know what is going on in that bleach blond head of yours." Fatima turned on him.

"Leave me alone."

"Why, because he doesn't love you?" Kevin shot at him bitterly.

"At least you have someone who loves you."

" Really if she loved me would she have left me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"She left me. She's pregnant and she left me."

" Kevin I didn't know." Nick rushed over to him and pulled him into a hug, he was so sorry for his daddy.

"Nick, you have to stop hurting your self." Kevin said as he pulled the younger man into his arms, he loved this young man, but he couldn't bear to see him like he was."

"Kevin please don't" Nick pulled away.

"Nick look at me." Kevin reached his hand up and grabbed his chin in his hand. "Tell me that you are happy. Tell me that you are fine and that you are not going out and sleeping with as many people as possible to hurt yourself and Brian."

"I'm not." Nick replied, he couldn't look at him though.

"Nick look at me and tell me that." Brian yelled at him, standing his face stone the pain buried in his heart. Nick looked away from him, he wasn't going to acknowledge him in any way.

"Look at me. I am here and I hurt you yell at me, please do anything but sleep with everything and kill yourself in the process." Brian yelled again, stalking over to the young blond, and turning him around to face him, he was shocked as he saw the hate in his eyes, the pain in them as he forced the younger man to look at him.

"I'm sorry." Brian said as his lips pressed to Nicks his passion rising.

"Brian, don't." Nick pulled away, he couldn't handle having him anywhere near him, it was too painful. Brian reached for his hand and placed it on him.

"You are doing this to me." He said, he looked at him, he wanted to see the love in his eyes, but all he got was fear.

"No you'll hurt me again." Nick turned away from him, he was afraid and he wanted to keep control. "Nick he loves you and you love him." Fatima said as she pulled him into her arms. "We have to help Kevin first." She turned to the eldest and probably her closest friend after Nicky. "She loves you."

'No she doesn't, she told AJ and ran."

"AJ?" Brian looked at him, he was alone his husband sitting across from him. 'She told me and made me promise that I wouldn't say a word." He tried to explain himself and knew that they wouldn't understand.

" You didn't tell him," Howie whispered, "You didn't tell me."

"Howie you all go to him and tell him things because he won't tell a soul, and when he does the same for a friend you all blame him." Fatima said, she was mad that they were treating him this way. "Kevin you ask him to keep your secrets and he does, but you don't like it when he keeps things from you."

"She's pregnant and he told me, she has chosen her child over me."

"Your child, to."

"No."

"Kevin you always wanted kids, and know that you are going to have one you don't want it?" Brian asked.

"If it means losing her, no I don't I'd rather have her." Kevin tried to hold the tears away. "Let it go." Nick said pulling him in. " Let us be the strong ones." He said as he felt Kevin release the pain, and let the tears go. "I love her and I am going to lose her, because I made her pregnant." He cried he wanted to hit anything, but he couldn't.

"We know." Howie soothed him, he looked over at his husband and saw the anguish that he was going through. He opened his arms and held him as he repeated over and over how sorry he was. Kevin looked up at him and watched as he slowly broke down he was so sorry about all that happened, but it would take time for him to forgive the wild boy.

"AJ give me time, I understand why you did it, but it still hurts." Kevin explained, all that AJ could do was nod; he knew that he deserved the pain in his heart for lying to his friend.

"Guys, is everything fixed now?" Fatima asked, from her position by the door.

"Yeah for the most part." They replied, she smiled and opened the door. "Good go shower and sleep you all smell." They smiled at her, no wonder their parents all loved her; she was so much the mother hen, even if she never admitted it.

The guys made their ways to their respective room, where they all tried to come to terms with all that happened, in their own ways. Howie and AJ went to bed but Howie was still upset he couldn't hold his husband and AJ understood, he grabbed a pillow and the extra blanket so that he could sleep on the couch, but Howie stopped him, he wanted his husband their beside him, in his life he followed one simple rule. You never go to bed angry, it was something that his parents practiced and they had passed that along to their children.

"We need to talk." Howie said as he sat up in the bed, AJ sat crossed legged at the bottom and gathered his words.

Brian tossed and turned he wanted to go to Nick, but he wanted the younger man to make the first step. Nick stared at the ceiling as he pondered Brian's actions just a few hours ago, he was aroused by him, kissing him had made him hard, maybe there was hope for them after all, he wanted to talk to Brian and hash this all out, it couldn't wait. He flung off the covers and raced to the door, he wanted to see him right away; he only hoped that Brian was awake. He pulled his robe over his naked body, he was too tired that night to put anything on after his shower, he raced to Brian's room, and pounded on the door. "What?" Brian opened the door believing that it was Kevin.

"I'll go away" Nick turned to leave, but Brian pulled him into the room, and pushed him up against the door, "Stay." He demanded and Nick complied, as he pushed Brian to the bed, "we need to talk." He said, Brian nodded he would do anything to keep him there with him.

"After." Brian replied, as he launched at Nick kissing him deeply.

Kevin wondered into his room, their room was so empty without her, she was supposed to be there with the candled lit and her hands ready to massage him, but all that was there was a note on the pillow. He wanted to read it but couldn't force himself to, he wanted to throw it away but couldn't it was all that he had left of her.