----------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Forget About Letting Go Part 3 (Chapters 11-15) By Ari Ryven ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Last time on Forget About Letting Go:
I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. I wiped my eyes groggily, and checked my watch. 3:30 p.m. Wow, it was still pretty early on in the day, and already I'd been on a roller coaster. I got up to answer it, when Trevor surprised me, and rolled over, and picked it up.
"Hullo?" He said, or croaked as it were. We'd been asleep for like four hours or so, so his voice was pretty raspy.
He sat up. "Who's this?" GOD I hated hearing one-sided conversations! Especially if it was someone calling my house!
"Trev, who is it?" Curiosity got the best of me and I had to know. He held up his hand for me to be quiet.
"Uh-huh. Yeah, ok. 4:30? Ok. I'll tell him." Trevor hung up the phone and sat there. Staring at the phone. He didn't say anything, he didn't even move.
"Well?!? Who was it?" I snapped after about a minute of silence.
"Josh?" Trevor looked up at me. He seemed confused. "Why....Why does AARON have your rollerblades?"
======================================================================= ==== Chapter 11 ==========
WHAT!?! How the hell did Aaron get my phone number? BECKY! Oh shit! What am I gonna tell Trevor? What's he gonna say if he finds out I was hanging out with Aaron yesterday? What's he gonna do? JOSH SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ANSWER HIS QUESTION ALREADY BEFORE HE FIGURES IT OUT HIMSELF!
"Umm...Oh man, uh...I'm not sure?" I said unconvinced that Trev would buy it.
"Josh...What is AARON DOING WITH YOUR ROLLERBLADES?" Trev yelled, getting up and starting towards me.
"Oh shit, I must have left them at Waffle House last night!" I said trying to lie through my teeth even though my mouth was hanging open. I hoped the size of my eyes didn't give me away.
"Bullshit Josh! You don't just leave your blades at Waffle House and walk home! Why does he have them?!?" He was so demanding at times. What can I say? I can't keep lying, it's just making things WORSE! I could feel a lump in my throat surge, and grow, making it harder and harder for me to choke back the tears that were soon to follow.
"Trev, please, calm down." I managed to spit THAT out, now could I tell him why Aaron had my rollerblades?
"I'm calm! I'm just wondering how that fag ended up with your rollerblades! Is that such an unusual question?"
Ok, so what can I tell him? I went to waffle house to eat with his girlfriend, then Aaron let her give me a ride home? YES! THAT WOULD WORK THAT WOULD SOOOO WORK!
"Umm, ok. I'm not supposed to tell you this. Becky asked me to come and eat dinner with her at the Waffle last night. So I went. We talked. We ate. When we finished around 6:30, Aaron offered us rides home. I guess I just forgot my blades in his car." I wasn't REALLY lying to him so maybe this would work.
"Oh. Well why did Becky want to eat dinner with you? What did you guys talk about?"
"Oh, umm..." THINK THINK THINK! "Oh, she scolded me about last night. Hehe, I told you she'd be pissed if we messed with Aaron! She was gonna talk to you too, but she couldn't find you!" I sat back and sighed. I think he bought it.
"Yeah, right. She knows I can't stand Aaron! Josh, what aren't you telling me? You can't lie to me man! I see right through you! What is up?!?" Nope, guess not! Plan b!
"So, what do you wanna do tonight? You wanna go catch a movie..."
"No I wanna know why Aaron has your fucking rollerblades, and I want you to tell me the goddamn truth!" He screamed, and leaned over my chair so that I was blocked in. Why was this bothering him so much? Did he know something already?
"Trev..." I pleaded.
He wasn't gonna hear any of it. "NO JOSH! C'mon, we're best friends! All I'm asking is why Aaron has your rollerblades. Are you gonna tell me or not?"
I forget sometimes, that even though Trev and I don't appear to be as close as we really are, he is the nosiest son of a bitch to ever walk the earth. If he though something was going on with one of his friends, he absolutely had to know about it. I could completely understand where he was coming from. But at the same time, I couldn't possibly know how he was gonna react when I told him. I'm not even sure if I can.
I looked Trev in the eyes and uttered a voiceless I'm sorry, and then curled up and began to cry. He sighed and stood up, then turned and went to sit back down on the bed. I could feel his eyes on me.
"What's up with the tears again josh? When I saw you come in last night, you had the same look, and you had been crying. What is up?"
I just continued to cry, and cry. I couldn't tell him. My best friend in the whole world and I didn't have the guts to tell him something so simple as why Aaron has my rollerblades.
When I didn't answer, he started tapping his foot on the bed frame. "What, did Aaron do something to you? Is that it? Did that faggot hit on you or something?" He asked, becoming all big and bad, like a big-brother would.
Now I HAD to answer him! I couldn't just let him walk out and go beat the shit out of Aaron! I looked up, and screamed, "NO! God, Trev, no!"
"Then why the FUCK won't you just tell me what's going on?" He asked, his voice a mixture of anger and hurt.
Somewhere deep inside I found the courage to continue. "Trev, if I told you, you would kick my ass and never speak to me again!" I began to cry harder, and the courage I had slipped away, lingering just long enough for me to speak that one sentence. I didn't answer his questions, all I did was give him more curiosity.
"What? Josh, I would NOT kick your ass no matter what you told me! You're like my brother for Chrissake! What Happened?!?"
I thought back on all the times that Trevor and I had together. All the good. All the bad. Together we'd made it through hell. But if I told him I was gay now, we might not make it through ANYTHING together ever ever again. I guess I was faced with a choice. One I didn't want to decide. This was what Aaron was talking about, and I wanted so badly to be with Aaron right now, and not have to worry about telling Trevor. But I'm not with Aaron, and I can't ever be unless I face my fears, and tell Trevor who I really am.
"Josh, I'm not going anywhere. We're sitting here until you tell me what's going on." That's it, I'd just dug my own grave. Now I was going to have to lie down in it.
As scared as I was, I couldn't stand putting Trevor through any more hurt. I couldn't make him suffer any more. He was about to go through one of the worst things a kid should ever have to go through, and if I didn't tell him what was going on, he'd be even worse for wear.
"Trev...I'm not really sure now is the time... You've got your own probs right now bro." I tried to calm myself down and convince him to leave this alone. Even if I did tell him, and satisfy his curiosity. It was still gonna hurt him.
"Yeah. Well, that doesn't matter man. You're hurting, and I know I haven't been the best friend I could be. But I want to help you with whatever is bothering you. I always have. AND I ALWAYS WILL!" He got up and came over to sit on the arm of my chair. "My parents are gonna get divorced, and what I need right now is MY best friend. Someone to share my pain with. Someone who'll share their pain with me. This shit going on at home would be breaking me right now if I didn't have someone like you to take care of me. Hehe, who else would take care of their drunk, horny, neighbor across the street when he needed them? Only you would Josh. I can never repay you enough for that. But right now, I see my best friend hurting. I want to help you. But I can't if you won't let me know what's wrong!" He choked back a sob and looked deep into my eyes.
I was completely taken aback by everything he had just said. You just don't understand, Trevor, never, ever, EVER actually had a sentimental conversation with me before. But here he is telling me how grateful he is because I've been there for him. It was right about then that I realized that if I DIDN'T confide in him, I'd be denying him a chance to be there for me.
"Trev," I got up and started pacing back and forth. Trevor slid over and sat down in the chair. "I DO have a problem. But...I don't know how you're gonna deal. I mean, you flipped on me when I told you about practicing Wicca!" I kept pacing, too nervous and scared to be still.
"Josh, c'mon, that was a while ago. You can tell me! It's not like you're gay or anything!"
I stopped pacing, and just stared at the floor. What did that mean? ASK HIM! "What, what does that mean?"
"Oh shit. Josh, I'm sorry...I-" Trevor stopped in mid-sentence. That was never good. I guess the pause gave me away. Now he knew, or had an idea what was bothering me.
"Trev, look, I'm the one who's sorry. I never wanted to be-"
"Gay." He said, finishing my sentence. I turned to look at him. To try and see what he was thinking, feeling. But his face was blank and expressionless. He just stared past me at the wall.
"Umm, yeah. Trev, you CAN be ok with that right?" He looked up into my eyes as a tear raced down his cheek.
"You're gay." Was all he said.
We spent the next few minutes in silence, he just sat in the chair, and I stood in the middle of my room. Our eyes were still locked together. His face began to crumble under the silence, and one tear after another came. But he didn't make a sound.
My best friend knew I was gay now. It felt great to get it all out, but it seemed like Trevor was going to snap any minute, and I began to wonder if this was all really worth it.
"How long have you known?" I jumped as he broke the silence. He was willing to talk about it. That's a good sign. Talking could do us good.
I thought about it. How long HAVE I KNOWN? "Damn....I don't really know. I guess when you would used to bring those porns over, and we'd watch `em. All those women...they didn't do anything-"
"Spare me the details." He said angrily. "Josh, why?"
Why? "Why what?"
"Why do you wanna be gay, man? I mean, jeez...everybody is gonna hate you."
"First off, I don't WANT to be gay. Trevor, if I had a choice I'd be straight. I would LOVE women. But if I just deny myself and pretend to like women..."
"But, Josh, what about back in 9th grade, you used to go with that Michelle chic? You USED to like girls!" He was trying so hard to understand what was going on.
"Trev....It's like this, everybody hates fags. When you're a freshman, every Upper classmen tries to find a reason to hate you. I just went out with Michelle, because I didn't want to give them any more reasons. I've never really liked girls, man. I was just confused for a while. Then I figured it out."
"Well, what about your uncle? Look at what happened to him! Are you SURE this is what you want?"
"Trev, my UNCLE is a different man altogether, and since he died, I talked to Jeff. Mike was a get around kind of guy. Jeff was his best friend, and in the end, they ended up becoming...well, you know. According to Jeff, Mike had been with over 15 different guys."
"God! FIFTEEN!"
"Trev, how many isn't the point. It's the fact that he wasn't careful. Shit, James has fucked like 40 or 50 girls in the past two months! He's fine, because he uses condoms." I sat down cross-legged on the floor in front of Trev.
"Josh, bro., I still love you, even if you are gay. It's gonna take some getting used to though." He got up from the chair and gave me a hug.
"WOW." I said, totally stunned. "You know, I was so scared that you'd kill me or something. Seeing how you treat Aaron, I just thought-"
"Speaking of Aaron, why does he have your rollerblades?" He smiled.
"Oh that's it!" I yelled and tackled him. We wrestled around in the floor for a few minutes, until the doorbell rang.
Trevor tossed me across the room into my chair and ran out of my room to answer the door. "Nevermind I'll ask him myself!" He yelled as the doorbell rang again.
WHAT?!?
======================================================================= === Chapter 12 ==========
I chased Trevor down the hallway around the corner, only to have the foyer door slammed and locked in my face! I heard him open the door.
"OH! Umm...Hi Trev-"
"Hey Pretty Boy! Come on in!" Footsteps...WWWWWAAAAAIT! It's AARON! Aaron is at my house! Oh shit! How do I look? Forget that! He's seen me at my worst! I looked down to make sure I was dressed. Then it hit me. Trevor had just answered the door buck-ass naked! OH NO!
"Umm..." Aaron was as nervous as all hell, I could tell by his voice. Not that it was unexpected. There Trevor was, answering my door NAKED! This cannot look good to Aaron!
"Oh...heheh, sorry man, I haven't gotten dressed yet...." He trailed off and opened the door, I nearly fell through the door way!
Trevor caught me and stood me back up. "Damn Josh! Calm down!" He laughed. Oh man it was so good to hear him laughing again. Trev opened the door the rest of the way and I saw Aaron, who despite the nervousness he had to be experiencing, was as hot as he'd ever been. He even made that ugly-ass waffle house uniform look good!
"Now you boy's talk amongst yourselves while I go get some clothes on before I catch a cold or give somebody something!" He smiled at me as he walked by. WOW! He was cooler with this than I thought he'd be.
"Huuu- HI!" I stuttered. I looked towards the hallway, and then back to Aaron.
"Uh, hi Josh, I just wanted to drop these off..." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "You left them in the car last night." He bent over and picked up my rollerblades, which he'd sat down by the front door.
Trev came back around the corner, "It's ok Aaron. I know about Josh. It'll take some getting used to," He wrapped an arm around me, "But this is my best friend. Just cause he tells me he's a fag don't me I don't love him any less!"
"TREVOR!" I scolded, "The word is GAY, homosexual, just don't use THAT word!"
"Sheesh! Sorry. Hope I didn't offend anyone. Hehehe," Trevor walked off into the kitchen.
Aaron dropped the skates to the floor and threw his arms around me. "YOU TOLD HIM?" He asked, stepping back to look me in the eyes.
"Not really. I uh, I paused." Aaron's face twisted with confusion. "Come in man! We'll explain...WON'T WE TREV!" I turned and yelled towards the kitchen.
I took Aaron by the hand and guided him to the couch. We sat down at a reasonable distance from each other to make sure we didn't risk weirding Trevor out.
"Uhhh, Yeah! Wait, what did I just agree to?" Trev came back in, sandwich and soda in hand, smiling.
"I was talking about explaining to Aaron what happened."
"Oh, yeah. Sure." Trevor said, unenthusiastically, with that 'What about my problems?' look. I put my hand up like he did to me when he was on the phone, and he laughed.
"Well, well, well, Trev, you're laughing!" I chided, tossing a pillow at him.
He stopped. "Don't remind me man."
"ANYWAYS!" I turned back to Aaron, who was sitting there looking like a lost puppy. Awww. "Trev and I were talking about something, and we were both having a hard time saying what needed to be said. Then you called and he demanded I tell him why you had my rollerblades. I lied, but you both know, I suck at lying. And Trev saw right through it..." I went through and related every detail. When I finished, Aaron just sat there.
"Aaron?"
He snapped back to life, "Uhh, sorry. I just can't believe it, sorry Trev."
"Listen, Aaron. I DON'T like gays. I'm sorry, I just wasn't brought up that way. But if you knew all that Josh and I have helped each other through, you'd know why I can get past it..." He said coldly. "Answer me this, guys. How long have you two been together?"
Uh-OH! "Umm...Trev...We're not-"
"Don't give me that shit! He had your rollerblades man! Which, you never did tell me how he ended up with them!"
"Oh," I paused to find the right words. "Okay.....Let's see. Remember when I told you about beck-"
"Long story short, last night Becky and I talked to Josh, and I told him how I feel about him. He came over to my place...we talked, we fought, he left." Well, even though that was a pretty harsh definition of what happened last night, it was short and to the point. Pretty bitter though. Was Aaron still mad at me? Was he just doing me a favor by bringing my skates back? Did he still love me?
"You mean you guys didn't..."
"NO!" We said in unison.
"Oh now I find that hard to believe!"
"God Trev, he didn't even know if I was gay until yesterday! All we did was talk, I swear!"
"Liar."
"Well, do you really want me to tell you what really happened?" I asked, giggling and rubbing my crotch to make it seem like Aaron and I DID have hot steamy sex, OH GOD I WISH!
"On second thought...NO."
"Listen Trev, I uh, I kind of need to talk to Josh about last night. Do you mind if-"
"Nah go ahead. He's got a great bed in the back!"
I snapped my head around and shot him the iciest glare I could muster. "TREVOR!"
Aaron giggled. He grabbed my hand and led me down the hallway. "Uhh, which room is yours?" He asked, suddenly clamming up with nervousness. I could feel his hand start to tremble in my own.
"Last door."
We walked in my room and as soon as Aaron opened the door his mouth dropped open. "Oh my god Josh it's Awesome!" He stood and gaped at my room in amazement.
I heard Trevor crack up laughing in the living room. "He meant the room asshole!" I shouted back at him.
I ushered him in and sat him down in my reading chair. Then went and got my desk chair and pulled it up to him. He continued, "Anyway, I wanted to apologize for how I acted last night. I knew it was wrong to ask you to choose me, who you don't really know all that well anymore over your best friend. Sometimes I just get so..." He trailed off and sighed. "It's just that I..." He paused and took my hand in his, making eye contact with me. "I wanted...WANT to be with you so bad, and I...I wanted you to, to be comfortable around me and not always scared that-"
"That Trev would find out and kick my ass. I know. I was too. He seems ok with it. But I know he doesn't like it."
"Yeah, that's what he said. Josh..." He looked down at our hands, "I, I still want to be with you. I just,"
I freed one of my hands from his grasp and lifted his chin up to look at me. "Aaron, I want to be with you too, and now that Trev knows, we can be, and I- WE don't have to be scared of what he'll do anymore." I leaned forward to kiss him but he backed away.
"No, Josh, not right now, please. I'm sorry, I just....I have more to say. Please." He studied my eyes, measuring up my reaction. It hurt to have him tell me no, even if it was just over a kiss.
What else could he have to say? Let's see, I told him that Trevor knows about me, I told him I still wanted to be with him, I- UMMM, JOSH! HE'S TALKING TO YOU! PAY ATTENTION!
Oh shit. "I'm sorry, wha- what'd you say?"
Aaron broke away and got more comfortable in the chair. "I was saying, that there's still a few problems." He paused.
"Like what?"
"Like the fact that, well, I'm sorry, I know Trevor is your best friend and all, but I'm not buying it. Josh, he has been on my case continuously for the past three years! He called me 'Pretty Boy!' He called you a fag. I don't know, maybe he really is ok with it-"
"What, you mean....I come out to Trev and that's still not good enough for you? Aaron!"
Aaron continued anyway, despite my arguing. "Maybe he just has NO respect for me because I'm your stereotypical 'Pretty Boy' gay guy. I don't know!"
"AARON!" I raised my voice to get him to shut up. This was so totally going to come out the wrong way. But it fucking hurt to have him tell me that I had risked my friendship with Trevor, to be with him, a guy that I don't really know all that well. I might have grown up AROUND Aaron and yeah we'd trade comic books and stuff way back in the day, but I didn't really know what kind of guy he was. I started to get angry. He was trying to tell me that I had to give Trevor up, I just know it! "Aaron, I risked losing Trevor...for you. And now you're telling me that you can't be with me again? Not yet? WHY?" I started to lose control. Aaron sat in the chair, and just stared at me. He seemed so expressionless, controlled. This wasn't the guy I had fun with last night.
Silence enveloped us, and as Aaron and I locked eyes, he began to break bit by bit. First his eyes turned, and I saw his pain. Then his brow fell into 'that' position, where you know someone is about to cry. He finally let it out. GOD NOT MORE TEARS! I got up out up from my chair and walked over to stare out my window. I couldn't stare at his face and not fall in with him. I couldn't look at him and not cry when he was crying. Aaron was a really sensitive guy, and when you were around him, at least whenever I was around him, everything became much vaster and things always seemed deeper and more profound than they ever had before. He was beautiful in every way, but when he was hurting, it melted me. I knew that it was ridiculous to feel that way about him already, after only spending time with him last night. I felt as close to him as I did to Trevor. I think...and I know I said it before, but I think I really DO love him. Maybe that's why I couldn't look at him while he cried after telling me that there were still reasons we couldn't be together.
What REASONS?!? He said he loved me, I'm pretty sure I told him last night that I loved him too, what could possible be so bad, that it could give us a REASON not to love each other.
GOD! Can't he just say something anything? I turned from the window to look at him. He was sitting there, crying into his hands. Then I realized how insensitive I was being. GOD JOSH, YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING MORON! That voice screamed at me. I walked back to the chair and sat on the arm, wrapping my arm around him and pulling him close to me. He responded by turning and laying his head on my chest, he still cried, but it seemed to calm him.
"Josh," He choked out, "I'm....So- sorry, but..." He tried to speak but it was obvious he wasn't going to be able to say anything right then. He was crying too hard.
"Shhhh, it's ok Aaron. Just...calm down, man. You don't have to talk right now." He obeyed, and buried his head deeper into the crevice of my chest and armpit. Thank god I remembered to put on deodorant after I got out of the shower! I didn't want to knock him out, b/c when I get stressed-
KNOCK KNOCK
The door opened slowly and Trevor popped his head in. He looked from me to Aaron, then mouthed 'What’s Wrong?' Not wanting to disturb us. I shrugged, and motioned for him to come in. He came in silently and sat down on the bed. He had some sodas for us, and one for himself. He leaned over and sat them on my desk, then just sat there and looked around the room.
"Aaron?" I asked trying to get him to look up. His crying dwindled down to silence and then the room dwindled down to the same level. Aaron, sat up and wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. He was still choking back sobs, but he had calmed down. Finally I asked Trev what he wanted. He had found one of my magazines on my bedside table and was flipping through it.
"Trev, what's up, what'd you want?"
He looked up startled. "Oh...umm, I just wanted to know if you still wanted to go do something. Nevermind, I guess you guys still need to talk some more huh?"
I smiled weakly and forced myself to nod. I'm not sure I wanted to hear why Aaron found it so hard for us to be together, but I knew it was something he had to get off of his chest.
"Oh, Ok, cool...." He trailed off then got up to leave. "Soda's on the desk for yas....Hey Josh? It alright if I go get Becky? Get some movies or something?"
OOH,BECKY! The perky bitch would be PERFECT right now! I didn't really want to see her, but I knew Trev wanted to see her, and she could help me with cheering Aaron up! I was still pissed at her for giving Aaron my number and putting me through hell with Trev today. I know she meant well....BUT it still bothered me.
"Sure. Get something good, Kay? Money is in mom's desk drawer." I said and smiled my best 'Everything is fine, fine, fine, fine FINE!' smile. He laughed at me and walked out.
I returned my attention to Aaron and kissed him on the forehead. "Aaron, you had something to say?" Even though I didn't want to hear it, I really really had to find out and try to fix it. I really needed to be with somebody, especially if I was going to be trying to find the energy to help keep Trev happy throughout the divorce. Aaron was the energy I'd been seeking all my life, the yang to my yin as far as I was concerned. Funny how things almost work out, then something I do fucks things up.
Aaron still wasn't saying anything. I gave him a gentle squeeze then got up and popped open my Pepsi. I tossed him his, and he opened it and gulped it as if he hadn't had water for days. Finally after draining like half of the can, he sat it down and decided to speak.
"Josh, I don't KNOW what the other problems are. I just have this feeling." What the bloody blue fuck does that mean? He doesn't KNOW! JEEZ!
"What 'feeling?'" I said, emphatically quoting the 'feeling' in my question. I tried to feel what he was thinking. Being Wiccan, I'd kinda always tried to keep an open 'eye' and read body language, and sometimes, just READ them. I believed that EVERYBODY was an open book, but this was one time I couldn't figure out how to read someone's language. WILL YOU SHUT UP AND FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL HE'S TALKING ABOUT, HUH? WILL YA? "Aaron....What FEELING?" I asked again, realizing I'd waited about a minute since I last asked him.
"I'm not sure how to explain it!" He snapped.
"Well...." I sighed heavily, resigning from the argument. Maybe I just need to play around the 'problem.' The only problem I foresaw was the fear of missing his birthday, or forgetting our 1 month anniversary.
"Josh, I'm...Well...Becky and I talked last night after she dropped you off at home..." Uh-Oh! DAMNED WOMEN! THERE NO GOOD NO GOOD I TELL YOU, NO GOOD! WHAT'D SHE SAY? Aaron laughed uncomfortably, "Ya know, she's really really fucking horrible when you're trying to poor your heart out. She doesn't know how to fucking listen..." Heheh, good, he knew. Oh yes, he KNEW HOW HORRIBLE WOMEN ARE! WHEW! "Anyway, I told her how much I felt for you, and she'd chime in every minute or so, 'Well, I'm sure he feels the same way Aaron,' or 'Well he's just a horndog asshole, I think you should forget him.'" I KNEW IT! MEDDLING HOMEWRECKER! Shut up! I screamed at the voice in my head. If it wasn't for Becky, I'd probably never know how Aaron felt about me, and I'd probably never have had the chance to find out either. WELL SHE'S STILL A BITCH. "She kept changing her opinions, and so it made everything even more confusing for me. But she DID say one thing that I'd never realized before. She said that I was like totally out, granted that I didn't really want to be, and that I had risked getting the beating of my life just by asking her to talk to you. And that you were like totally 'IN.' She said that you're not good enough for me because you've got a reputation.."
My mouth dropped open. I couldn't believe he was saying this. IT'S NOT HIM IT'S THAT BITCH BECKY! But the sad thing was it was totally true. I didn't know I had a reputation though. What kind of reputation? Was I notorious for being an asshole?
"Josh, I didn't want to believe her. But what she said...everything, it made sense. I've asked too much of you already, I can't ask you to give up your reputation too...everybody likes you, you're....you're popular, I'm just another drama queen fag." The hurt in his voice as he spoke was off the charts.
UMMM, JOSH? YOUR TURN! SAY SOMETHING DUMBASS! "Uhhh...umm...well uhh...No I'm not." No I'm not what? What am I saying? I said it, but what did I mean. I'm not.....umm...I'm not, come on think dammit! THINK! "I'm...Aaron..." I said, I swallowed hard and became conscious of the baseball in my throat. "Aaron, you're not...a drama queen. You're...I...I don't care." GOOD, NOW KEEP GOING... "I want to be with you, and I can't explain it, but...I feel like I SHOULD be with you. Aaron, I've got a reputation because of Trev...it's not me. It's not who I am. Please, believe me, I..." Uh- oh, here it comes. I had to pause to keep from breaking into yet another fit of tears. I wasn't really sure what I was going to say would really make him believe that I would do anything he asked to be with him. I wasn't really sure why I was willing to DO anything to be with him. "I...I love you AARON!" I couldn't hold it back, and I started crying again. I sat my soda down and went over to hug him.
Aaron opened his arms and pulled me into his lap. I guess being skinny paid off, because I managed to fit into the chair with him, quite comfortably I might add. I sobbed, burying my head in his neck. Now all I could do was cry, and wait. Hope upon hope that he accepted me for who I was, and was willing to help me change. Into what, I don't know. But I had to change if I wanted to be with him. I had to change period. I was tired of always playing it straight.
"Josh...." He said slowly, then trailed off, and pushed me away far enough to look me in the eyes. I couldn't look him in the eyes, though. I was too afraid I'd see something I didn't want to in them. Where as last night I didn't want to look away from him, this time, I had to. Otherwise I'd never be able to live with myself if he told me that it wasn't good enough. I tried to hope for the best, and think of a way to get out of there fast if it turned out to be the worst.
"Josh," He reached up and held my face in his hands, wiping away my tears. "I love you...it's....it's not good enough." I stopped crying for a split second, then the tears came back and I felt like I had just been gutted. An invisible knife ripped through my heart, and I wished I was dead. It's not good enough? He says I love you like he was actually saying it to me, but he was just repeating what I said! MY LOVE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM! I got up and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it. I crumpled to the floor, breaking down completely. I wasn't sure I could get up, I didn't know if I wanted to, I just laid there, in the dark windowless floor of my bathroom, bawling, crying, cursing myself in my head for ever being so foolish as to think I could ever have love.
"WHY?" I screamed to the gods. "WHY ISN'T MY LOVE GOOD ENOUGH WHY?"
Aaron had come to the door, and I could hear him crying on the other side. "I'm sorry josh..." He tried the door, and then repeated himself over and over. "I'm sorry..." A minute or so passed, and the only sound I heard was that of the screen door slamming. I bawled even harder, pounding the floor, screaming, crying, and trying to find a way to get him to come back.
I heard him start his car and leave, between sobs. I sat up against the door, pawing at it as though I was imprisoned. The only prison I was in was one of my own making. I had been in it ever since I figured out I was gay. But for a few fleeting moments of my life, I had managed to get the door open and let Aaron in, and then he left when he saw that I wasn't who he thought I was.
"I love you isn't good enough" Aaron's last words to me, the words that crushed my soul, stomping my hopes of happiness. He said MY LOVE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH! WELL IF IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM WHO THE HELL WAS IT GOOD ENOUGH FOR?
======================================================================= ==== Chapter 13 ==========
I fell asleep on the bathroom floor, crying, screaming for an answer. Nothing came, only sleep, and with it my escape.
I was walking alone, on a highway. Everywhere I looked all I could see was desert. It was swelteringly hot, no trees, no water, and no form of shade anywhere. The sun beat down on me from high above, casting a harsh shadow on the road, a testimony to just HOW alone I really was out there. I stopped and crouched on the side of the road, trying to find some kind of energy, some kind of will to go on. As I looked closer, I realized, the highway was covered with bloody footprints, and when I looked up I was no longer alone. Before me was standing, a man, who had to be older than time itself. He wore no shoes, and his feet were cut up, he was bleeding. I tried to look in his face, but the sun turned him into a black, faceless silhouette. His long strands of hair blew with a breeze that I didn't feel.
He spoke and his words shattered me.
"You're going nowhere,
You're all alone.
You found someone to love you,
someone who you could see as your own.
Alike in times when you're hated and no one seems to care,
He was open, unique,
You were closed, conformed, your grief, society had chosen for you to bare.
Perhaps you're afraid that you're alone on this road,
but I am here to guide you.
Perhaps you're afraid,
and you'd much rather die,
but I am here to take your hand.
Now get up and I will show you the way.
You cannot walk on the side of this road.
This is the road of life.
You must walk down the middle,
Then and only then will you reach your true destination."
He paused and extended his hand. I was frozen in place. The man, I vaguely recognized, but couldn't recall who he was. He commanded respect, and yet he teemed with sympathy. He was so loving, yet very stern.
"Get up!" He commanded. "This blood on the road, is not meant for me. It is meant to be yours. You cannot make it through, all of life and all of you without getting a few cuts and bruises, boy! NOW GET UP!..."
"GET UP! JOSH, GET UP!" I came to, feeling my body being shaken. I craned my neck to turn and see who it was. "Josh, wake up...GET UP!" Trevor nagged. How did he get in here?
"How did you get in here?" I asked sleepily. I locked the door, I know I did. Aaron couldn't get in, I remember, he tried. OH GOD, I remember!
"The door was wide open, man! Jeez, what happened? Why are your feet bleeding?" WHAT? I sat up and pulled my feet around. Pain shot from my feet all the way up to the crown of my head.
"OWWW FUCK!" I screamed in agony. What the hell happened to me? As I woke up more, and I began to recall bits and pieces of the dream. I pulled my foot closer to my face and I saw a pebble dug into the ball of my foot. I pulled it out, dumbfounded... "What the hell?" I asked confused. It was just a dream! But my feet were cut open in at least four different places. "Trevor, what happened?" I asked in horror.
"How the fuck should I know? We just got back." I suddenly became aware of Becky standing in the doorway to the bathroom. "We came in and there were bloody footprints leading inside from the backdoor, then we found you in here, on the bathroom floor..." Trevor, paused and he looked as scared as I felt. "Josh, what did you do?!?"
"I DON'T KNOW!" I screamed, scared and in pain. What the fuck DID I DO? All I could remember was crying myself to sleep in the bathroom floor, then having that dream, and the man standing there, his feet were all cut up, and there were bloody foot prints on the road.
"I'm going to go get my mom to come over here and look at these cuts..." Trevor got up to go call Judy.
"NO!" I barked. "Trev, it's ok, I'm sure it's not that bad, just...help me get them cleaned up?" He stopped and looked at me like I was stupid. Then he just turned and went to call his mom.
Not even a minute later Judy showed up at my house with her first aid BAG in hand and ran into the bathroom. She ran in through the front door and gasped at the blood soaked foot-prints in the carpet. "Oh my god!" I heard her say.
She came around the corner, and was all over me, checking and making sure nothing was broken, that I hadn't hurt myself anywhere else, then she saw my feet. She looked up at me, with panic and fear in her eyes. "Josh, what the HELL DID YOU DO?!?" I can't even begin to describe the fear that resided in that question. Hell, I didn't know, and I was just as scared as she was. I'd had some weird dreams before, but never anything like this.
"I .... I don't know, Judy."
"What do you mean you don't know? Josh, your feet are really really messed up!" She turned her attention back to my feet as Trevor came around the corner, with Becky in tow.
"Josh, where's the carpet cleaner, we gotta get those stains up before your mother gets home tomorrow...she'll kill you if-"
"No Trev, it's my mess....I don't know how, but I'll get it cleaned up."
"Bullshit," Judy said. "You will not! the only thing you're doing is going to the ER! You've got some really deep lacerations on your feet, and one of them is definitely going to need stitches!" Judy stood up, putting her grabbing her bag and removing some gauze and medical tape, along with some alcohol. She knelt back down and dabbed at the cuts with the alcohol.
"OWWWW SHIT!" I screamed. I'd NEVER FELT SO MUCH PAIN IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE! Trevor had to come in and help hold me still while Judy cleaned up the cuts.
"Oh, I'm sorry baby," She said, trying to comfort me. "I know it hurts, but if we don't get these cleaned up..." She didn't finish. She didn't need to.
"Josh, this isn't funny man, what the hell did you do to yourself?" Trevor was pleading with me to tell him. I only wished I could. I didn't even know myself. Becky just stood in the hallway, looking on, silently.
"I really don't know...OWWWW FUCK! Trev...All I remember is falling asleep, passing out, whatever in the bathroom floor. HONEST!"
"Wait a minute..." He paused and then looked around, "Where's Aaron?"
"SHUT UP!" I screamed, hoping he wouldn't talk about him, for fear of Judy realizing who he was, and then asking why he was over here.
"Yeah," Becky started, "Where is HE? Trev said he left you here with him to talk..."
"Who's Aaron?" Judy asked.
"OWWW GOD!" I screamed in pain as she dabbed at another of the cuts. "He's just one of my friends..."
"Well, why did he leave? What happened?" Trevor must've been thinking this was all Aaron's fault. Shit, I didn't even want to get into that.
"We just...He had to go...." I said, trying to avoid the subject. I managed to catch eye contact with Trevor and he caught the idea.
"Aaron who," Judy asked again. "Wait! Aaron, isn't he that boy that one gay guy that works down at the Waffle House? What on earth would you be doing with a guy like that?" GOD, Why did everybody on earth have to know that Aaron was gay? I didn't even TRY to answer. I just sat there, trying to keep from crying out as Judy finished cleaning my cuts.
Apparently it wouldn't have mattered if I would have said anything or not. "OHHH! OH!" OH NO! I screamed to myself. She knows. "I'm sorry Josh, I should've known!" She said, sounding pathetically apologetic.
"Should've known what?!?" I asked, or snapped, as it were.
"You know, that you're gay... I always had an idea..." She laughed to herself, "It's ok sweety..." She reached in and hugged me. I just sat there, wide-eyed and slack jawed. How the hell could she have known? If SHE knew then that meant that I was somewhat obvious! Oh HELL NO!
"How...how did you know?"
"Josh, dear...Mothers-"
"Mothers always know." Trevor and Becky said in unison, giggling.
"Exactly, now that that's out of the way, what HAPPENED?!?" She shook me as she said it.
I slowly descended out of shock, and responded, "But...MY mom doesn't know! If she did she would've like disowned me, like the rest of the family did my Uncle Mike!" I cringed at that thought.
"Josh, do I really need to get started on your mother?" Judy laughed, "Alright, out with it...what happened?"
"GOD! I DON'T KNOW! Listen, it had nothing to do with Aaron, I was still awake...conscious or whatever when he left. We had a fight..." I choked up and my eyes filled with tears. "I...I don't wanna talk about it." I looked away in shame, trying to be more 'manly' in front of Judy, and Becky, not that it mattered, they both knew I was gay, now.
"Oh..." She said, and leaned forward to hug me again, then sat back against the wall opposite of me... "So, you have no idea how you cut yourself up like that?"
We both looked down to the bandages on my feet, which were already red in the center from blood. "Nope. Aaron left, after I locked myself in the bathroom...I heard his car pull out and drive off...then I laid down in the floor and started bawling...then I fell asleep...er passed out whatever." I really wasn't sure myself what happened, I THOUGHT I fell asleep, but that didn't really make sense, Trev and I DID take a nap today.
"Well...hmmmph....I guess we can postpone going to the ER for a little bit longer, we really need to clean up the carpet!" She got up and guided Trev and Becky out of the bathroom to go look for the carpet cleaner and cleaning stuff. I tried to get up and help her, but all I could do was crawl on my hands and knees.
Judy turned around and told me to stay put. "But, it's my mess! You guys shouldn't have to-"
"I told you to stay put young man, now you do as your mother tells you!" She shook a finger at me and we laughed. It felt good to laugh again. For some weird ass reason, when you laugh for the first time in a while, and it's an honest whole-hearted gut wrenching laugh, you start to think of what it was that hurt you so bad that you thought you'd never laugh again. My mind turned back to the argument Aaron and I had a few minutes? hours? days ago? I checked my watch...Ok, still November 14th, that's good, 6:45 p.m. I'd been out for what, maybe an hour? "I love you isn't good enough." those words just kept plaguing my mind to no end. I felt the my heart crack open again, and I fought as hard as I could to keep from crying again. Tears welled up in my eyes, the lump in my throat reformed (this time it felt as big as a grapefruit!), my lip quivered, and my whole body began to shake. But I held it all in. What choice did I have? If I let myself start crying again, then I'd be giving in. I'd be letting Aaron get the better of me. That's some shit. I can't do that. That would mean I'm weak. That I'm a pussy. Just another stereotypical, overly sensitive, drama queen, fag.
======================================================================= === Chapter 14 ==========
We made it back from the hospital by 11:30 that night, dropping Becky off at her house on the way home. The doctor gave me 27 stitches all together. I had to have 8 on a cut in the arch of my left foot, and 9 on another cut on the ball of my foot, and 10 stitches on the side of my right foot. He sent me home, with a wheelchair, telling me I had to stay home from school at least until Wednesday, then when I DID go back that I had to go in the wheelchair. GOD it was SO embarrassing! I couldn't go to school in a wheelchair because of a few cuts on my feet!
I was looking out the window as we drove past my driveway and turned in across the street at Trev's house. There were NO lights on inside, and the front door was only half-closed. I remembered that we had been in such a hurry to get out of there so that we could "get my feet fixed up" that no one locked the place up. Judy demanded that I stayed at her place, so that I wouldn't get stupid and try to walk or anything. I loved his family so much. Granted, that it was just she and Trevor now, I loved them more than I loved my own family. My sister left when I was twelve to go to college in some place up in Michigan. I personally haven't heard from her since. My mother, well, like I've said many times before, she's not all the great at mothering. Her running off every weekend, leaving me to fend for myself proved that. There was no doubt in my mind that Judy and my mom were going to rumble the minute my mom pulled in the driveway.
Judy got out, and unfolded the wheel chair, then she and Trevor helped me out to get situated in it. Judy wheeled me towards their house and then I realized, I didn't have any of my things.
"Hey, is it alright if me and Trev run- er wheel over and get a few things from the house? We gotta lock up anyway..." She stopped, and even though I couldn't see her, I knew her face took on the OH-SO- MOTHERLY worried look. God how I wished my mom was like that.
"I don't know hun, you can get your stuff tomorrow...k?"
"I need my cigarettes and stuff...I haven't had one all day. I'm nickin like a mother-"
"Ok...I guess..." She rubbed my shoulder then walked around the wheelchair and went to go inside. "Trev, wheel him on over there. Be careful on the gravel, ok? Besides, that'd give me some time to move things around so you can get the wheelchair through the hallway to your room." She smiled and opened the door. Judy was so cool sometimes! She mothered me, but she also treated Trev AND Me as equals. She let us know that she didn't like us smoking, but she didn't try to stop us, she knew it wouldn't work. I loved her more than I can honestly say I loved my own mother. Who, I still had to call. The insurance lady at the E.R. called her to get verification so that Judy could have a temporary power of attorney. The lady told her what happened, but told her that I would call her later to tell her what happened. I wasn't looking forward to that.
"Come on, let's go!" Trev exclaimed, as he practically THREW me out of the chair when he flung the wheelchair around.
"GOD TREVOR! CALM DOWN! HEHEHE!" I laughed as we sped down his driveway and across the street. We stopped, rather slowed down when we reached my gravel driveway. When we bought the house, my mom was going to have it paved, like Trevor's but I guess she decided she had more important things to spend her money on. Like liquor or some shit like that. I hated her for that, because it cost me A LOT of money in the long run, replacing the chipped wheels on my rollerblades, every few months. GOD I hoped it wouldn't be long before I could rollerblade again. The doctor said, the stitches had to stay in at least a week. Then I'd still be in the wheelchair until the cuts in my feet had nearly healed. He said that could take up to 2 weeks after the stitches were removed!
After the long bumpy ride around the back of the house to the backdoor, we finally stopped, the motion light hanging above the garage door came on and as I waited for Trevor to unlock the door, I looked around. I saw little patches of dried blood on our patio leading out into the gravel of my driveway.
"TREVOR LOOK!" I said excitedly.
"WHAT?" He said, then looked to the gravel where I was pointing. "Oh my god!" He exclaimed, running over and following the trail of blood off to the side of the house and into the grass. "It stops right here."
"I must've like sleepwalked or something! Oh My GOD TREVOR! THE DREAM!" I screamed, in revelation.
He just stood there at the edge of the floodlights bright beams and stared at me like I was stupid. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I had a dream when I fell asleep...It was so real!"
"Umm, yeah, well, I hate to tell ya bud, but IT WAS REAL!" He shouted.
I smacked at a mosquito. Then another. "Come on, let's go get my stuff, I'll tell ya about it when we get back to your house." With that we went inside and grabbed some clothes, my rolling stone magazine, and my cigarettes. I tore open the pack and lit a cigarette as soon as we were outside again. I lit another one and passed it to Trevor.
"GOD! NEWPORTS? EWWWW!" He laughed, then took another drag, and he assumed the position- HEHEHE! behind me and we made our way back to his house. We reached his door, then he like stopped and made me lurch forward. "Shit, I forgot to lock the front door! Hold on!" He ran off across the street and ran inside, locking the backdoor, then coming back out a second later, locked the front, and ran back to me. He stopped in the middle of the yard and broke out into laughter.
"What's so funny?"
"Hehehehe, I, heheh, I wasn't paying attention and, hehehheeee, I forgot to leave my cigarette outside!" He doubled over and fell down on his side in the lawn.
"FUCK IT!" I giggled at the whole situation. My mom didn't smoke and she screamed at me everytime she smelled smoke on me. It'd be worth it to get in trouble this time, because I got hurt when she went away. God I love guilt trips! "Let's go inside, I'm getting ATE UP!"
Trevor managed to get me inside, and we wheeled into the kitchen ranting and raving, "Mom!"
"JUDY! We know what happened to me!" I screamed a little too loudly. She came into the kitchen from the bathroom and told us to calm down. I did my best but I was too excited. I'd always searched for some kind of verification that my dreams held some meaning, and now I had that proof! "JUDY! I had a DREAM! BUT IT WASN'T JUST A DREAM! I was walking on this road, and I was alone, it was hot as hell. There was this guy! And he spoke to me, I don't remember what he said exactly, but it was something about me walking along the side of the road instead of walking on the ACTUAL road, and he reached out for me to take his hand, then he started screaming get up, like really really loud, and my body started shaking and then I rolled over and my eyes open, and I saw Trevor's ugly mug. I didn't realize it then, but as the dream came back to me, there were foot prints, and his feet were bleeding, and they were cut up really bad, the foot prints were left there from the blood covering his feet-"
"GOD JOSH, BREATHE!" Trevor smacked me on the back really hard to make me shut up and take a breath. Well, I think I got it all out. "Anyway, mom, when we were about to go inside over at his house, the floodlight came on. Josh was like TREVOR LOOK! And sure as hell is high water, there were like little patches of dried blood on the gravel in the driveway. We were SO STUPID, WE DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT! He must've been like sleepwalking or something..."
"Oh, come on? Why on earth would he do something like that?" It finally hit me how absurd all this sounded. I searched frantically within myself for an answer.
Why DID I do that? I mean, we knew what happened now, and the only question left was....WHY? I thought back to how bad I felt when Aaron told me that 'I love you isn't good enough...' those damned words. I let them back in my head for one minute and then everything, every tear, every slight hitch I'd experienced in what seemed like my entire life, attacked me at once, and tears welled up in my eyes. Trevor and Judy begin to argue whether or not that could've actually been sleepwalking. Aaron told me he didn't love me, and I remembered screaming and crying, cursing myself for letting things get so difficult. I..."I wanted to die." I said, thinking out loud.
Trevor and Judy stopped, and did that classic 'slowly I turn' thingy I'd seen on an episode of I love Lucy. "What?!?" They said in unison. "What do you mean you wanted to die, Josh?"
"Something that happened before I passed out, fell asleep, whatever. It made me want to die..." I trailed off, staring out into the blackness that loomed out the kitchen window.
"Umm, mom, I think I should talk to him first...ya know, guy stuff. I think I know what happened." Trevor said, turning me and wheeling me down to the hall to his room. When he had me in the room, and he slammed the door, put Korn in his CD player, and turned it up so his mom couldn't hear what we were talking about, after the familiar tune, It's On, started, he spoke.
"Dude, what the fuck did he do to you?" He sat on the bed facing me, with an extremely angry look on his face.
I looked up, and I mirrored his anger. "What the fuck do you care?" I suddenly became very bitter. Trev had just found out I was gay, and I had found out today that Judy and Frank were getting a divorce. When the problems with me surfaced he pushed everything away. Why? Why couldn't he have just become so fucking absorbed in his own little world of hurt that he could've left mine alone? WHY? I knew what he was doing. He was just looking for another reason to hate Aaron, since he couldn't hate him for being gay anymore.
"Josh, dude don't you shut me out! Don't you even fucking try. What did he say to you that caused you to fuck yourself up like that?"
"HE didn't do anything, OK? Now butt the fuck out!" I screamed and tried to turn the wheelchair around so I didn't have to look at him. But he stuck his foot out and stopped the front wheel. "Trevor, let the damned wheelchair go!" I said and tried to pop it over his foot. He didn't give. FINE! I screamed to myself, and I leant forward, then fell down into the floor on my knees and crawled, over the corner, where his bean bag chair was, which faced the posters of some smut bitches he had on his wall. GREAT!
"Josh...I want to help you. C'mon, what did that little fucker do to you?"
"Damnit Trev, he didn't do ANYTHING TO ME! We talked after you left ok. I told him I still wanted to try and be together with him."
"Wait. I thought you two were together already?" HOW COULD HE BE SO FUCKING STUPID? "NO!" I snapped.
"Shit, Josh! Gimme a chance hear, I'm still not used to you being gay, forgive me for assuming that you and-"
"Listen Trev, what he said earlier when he described why he had my rollerblades? That's all true. Ok?"
"Oh. Well, what did you guys fight about? Last night I mean. Shit Becky and I have been together forever and-"
"We fought over you Trev." He started to blush. What he thought I meant- "Oh you wish asshole." I said, completely devoid of any POSITIVE emotion. "He asked me if I wanted to be with him, you know, like his boyfriend. I told him, yeah, but how was I going to do that and keep you as a friend? I mean, as far as I knew you'd hate me just for talking to Aaron. Especially as much as you harp on the guy."
"Oh man, Josh..." He looked down at the floor. "Listen, the only reason I always make fun of Aaron is because he's such an easy target. I didn't mean to see like an asshole or anythi-"
"Well, you did, and I was so afraid I'd lose your friendship if you found out Aaron and I were seeing either. When I told Aaron that, he exploded, and told me that I couldn't always choose friendship over happiness. He thought that I was way too much of a closet case to ever be comfortable with him. He told me that if WE were going to be together then there'd be no hiding, basically. He made me feel so good that night, and so bad at the same time. I'm sure that if Becky wouldn't have come back so soon, we would've ended up-"
"OK! J, umm, you know I love ya, but please... I don't think..."
"Shit Trev, be mature." I said with disgust.
"I am being mature Josh, I just....Nevermind." He sat back, resigned from arguing it any further. "Ok, so that's where you were last night. I'm guessing he lives over at Broadway?"
"Yeah."
"Well, what did he say today when you told him that I was ok with you being gay?"
I looked away to keep from crying. I knew Trev was going to blow up when I told him. I knew that if I told him about the argument today and what was said, he would start yelling and screaming and get all big-brother, as he technically was older than me and he'd probably end up beating Aaron's ass in the end. I did my best to soften things.
"He said he couldn't believe that you didn't freak out already, and that he really didn't buy it. Ya know, you REALLY being ok with us..." WELL GREAT WORK JOSHUA, WHAT A GREAT WAY TO SOFTEN THE FUCKING BLOW!
"He said I was lying?"
"He said that he didn't believe it because you called me a Fag earlier, and him Pretty Boy. I guess he's really sensitive about derrogatories on some level. I couldn't understand why THAT bothered him though, I mean, shit Trev, I've heard you call him every name in the book, and I don't even flinch."
Trevor looked guiltily at me and then back to the floor. "Yeah, I guess I could over do it..."
"Trev, I'm getting tired, can we talk more about this tomorrow? I'm exhausted, man." I yawned and stretched, maybe this could be my way out of having Trev stress out and possibly beat the ever loving shit out of Aaron.
"Whatever man, listen, you know, I really am ok with YOU being gay. I just don't like Aaron. He's too...typical I guess. He IS a fag. But you're not, you're GAY, but ya know, not a FAG." Trev said, trying to explain why he ragged on Aaron. I still hoped he didn't start to hate Aaron. As much hurt as I felt because of him, I still pained to be with Aaron. I felt like I'd found the one, and I'm only 16, on the edge of seventeen. How fucked up is that! GOD! CAN WE GET SOME SLEEP PLEASE?
"The proper term would be femme, but I'll let that go." I said.
"Fuck you." Trev said laughing as he got up to shut out the light.
I curled up in the bean bag chair, propping my feet on a small stack of magazines, and fell to sleep. The days events drifted through my mind as the world of dreams swept over me. I wasn't happy. But I wasn't dead either. So I guess it all worked out. Aaron...
======================================================================= ==== Chapter 15 ==========
I woke up the next morning to the sound of Trevor, beating off on his bed. He'd just gotten out of the shower, that much I could tell, so it must be time to get ready for school. I sat up slowly and rubbed my eyes.
Trev must've saw me move, because he grabbed up his towel and sat straight up! Hehehe, caught red-handed, and red-headed...hehehe! "OH GOD! Sorry, Josh. Didn't mean to.."
"Shit Trev...believe me I'm used to that by now, I just got up to pee. Go ahead and play yer....game." I joked as I realized a joke I hadn't intended to make. The wheelchair was folded up and tucked in the corner of the room. "On second thought, could you umm, give me a hand?"
Trevor sighed heavily and got dressed, then brought the wheelchair over and sat down in it. He just sat there and stared at me dumbfounded.
"C'mon man, I really have to pee!" I whined. He still just sat there. "WHAT?!?" I raised my voice, trying to figure out if he was going to help me or not.
"Josh, tell me something..."
"Anything, just let me go pee!" I reached up and tugged on his pants leg like a little kid would when they wanted your attention.
"Were you..." He looked over to his bed, then back to me. He seemed really hurt. "You weren't...ya know...watching me were you?" He gestured with his eyes down to my crotch. I had a HUGE tent in my shorts, and unfortunately, khaki's don't do much to cover wet spot. I had been dripping with precum and it left a little spot on the front of the shorts.
"Oh my god!" I said and picked up a magazine to throw in my lap. WHY, I don't know. He already knew I was hard. Oh man! He thought I was hard from watching him! OH GOD! NO! "N- NO! Trev, MORNING WOOD! Hello? Every guy gets it gay or not. JEEZ! Don't flatter yourself..." I said, which I guess was kinda harsh, but...My best friend thought I was getting off watching him beat the meat. Which I COULD have enjoyed the view, but it was TREV! Ewww that’s like watching my own brother jack off. EWWWWW.
Trev, who looked relieved, started to get up out of the chair when I guess it sunk in. "What? Don't flatter myself? Oh that's it bitch!" He giggled as he got up out of the chair and walked off into the hallway.
"TREVOR!" I yelled. "COME ON MAN OR I'LL PISS ON YOUR CARPET!" Hehe, wouldn't that be ironic. He pisses on my carpet when he's drunk cuz he can't control himself. Hehehe, here I am, with a full blatter and about to piss on his carpet, because I can't control myself much longer.
He ran back into the room about two seconds later, and helped me into the chair. Wheeled me REALLY fast into the bathroom, and sat down on the bathroom counter while I tried to figure out how I was going to do this, sitting down WITH a morning hard-on.
Trevor laughed at me, and laughed some more. "What's so funny? You try not being able to use your feet and piss with a hard-on!" I looked at him to tell him I wasn't joking. It took me five minutes to get my hard-on to go away. HEY, It's not like I knew EXACTLY what B. Arthur would look like buck-ass naked or anything. Eventually that worked, and I talked while I pissed. "So, why'd you get up and walk out a few minutes ago? What'd I say?"
"You SAID, 'Don't Flatter Yourself!' Like I'm fucking ugly or something." Trevor mocked me.
"Well sorry man, just not my type. Too butch! Hehehe, no really, what'd you expect me to say? It's not like you wanted to hear me say, 'Oh god Trev you're so hot I want you to whip out your dick so I can suck you ‘til your balls turn blue,' is it?" I asked, half laughing, and serious at the same time.
Trevor paused before answering. "NO! God, that is so gay!" He laughed, and as I finished up, he helped me back into the chair, then wheeled me into the kitchen.
Judy was sitting in the "Office" part of her living room, surfing the net. When she heard us come in, she got up, and said her hello's and good-byes as she went to fill up her coffee cup.
Trevor, ate, and left for school, and I sat there in the kitchen, alone, just staring out that damned window. Again. When I finally came to my senses I realized how badly I needed nicotine, and after wheeling back to Trevor's room, I didn't have the energy to wheel back to the kitchen, so I sat and rested for a bit. I thought about what I was going to say to my mom when she came over later today. That was gonna be fun. NOT! I just thought, how badly I needed to see her face when she realized that Judy had taken care of EVERYTHING, and my mom realized she hadn't done shit for me. Call me a sadist, call me what you want, but I hope that bitch felt horrible.
As I wheeled back into the kitchen, and made my way to the deck, which was just off of the kitchen, Judy got up and opened the door for me. How DOES she do that? I didn't say a word, I just wheeled my way to the back door, and it was like she KNEW I wanted outside. She pushed me through the door, and wheeled me to the railing, as she sat down at the patio table.
She looked at me for a minute, then finally spoke. "Trev always comes out for a morning cigarette. I figured you were probably needing one as bad as he was." She laughed, and rubbed my shoulder lovingly. Like a mother would.
"Yeah. Thanks. I'm still amazed you actually pick up on these things! My mom..." I trailed off and realized that if I didn't choose my words carefully, I'd be opening a can of worms that I didn't wanna have to eat.
"Speaking of which, we forgot to call her last night. I hope she's not too angry with you!" Judy's sarcasm was very very funny at 8:00 in the morning. I'm not sure if it was funny or not, but, I laughed my ass off, until I bumped my foot on the railing and screamed in pain. DAMNED DREAM! GRRRR!
"Actually she's late. She was supposed to be back around 7:30, after me and Trev would USUALLY leave for school."
"No surprise there..." Judy muttered under her breath. She noticed I heard her, and kind of stiffened up as if she'd actually offended me. "Sorry Josh...It's just she doesn't even come home early when she finds out her own son has been hurt, and even then she's STILL late getting back. I know if Trevor had been hurt like you, I would've came running to make sure he was ok, I'd do the same for you too, kid." She smiled warmly at me as I put out my cigarette, and flicked it out into the yard. "Well, let's go back in, it's fuckin' cold out here!"
Another thing I loved about Judy was that if you got her going she swore like a sailor. She took me back to Trevor's room, and helped me into his bed. She actually tucked me in and sat there with me, just stroking my hair, consoling me. Mothering me.
"Get some sleep sweet heart, you're going to have a lot of shit to put up with once mom's back, I just know it. I'll talk to her though, see if I can't keep you." She smiled and kissed me on the forehead as she got up to leave the room. I wasn't happy. I was wanted. I wasn't sure if I could be happy so long as I didn't have Aaron. But at least someone wanted me around that knew who I REALLY was. I fell asleep thinking of Aaron, what he was doing right that moment, wondering if he was thinking of me, and thinking that he probably didn't give a fuck whether I lived or died anymore. Sleep took me away, and I slept, no dreams, no nightmares, I just slept. Content with a blank mind. A definite first.
======================================================================= ===
There it is. I'm sitting here wondering right now how many of you hate me and wonder how the series can go on without Aaron and Josh together. It is after all supposed to be a gay love story right? Well, I got news for you, REAL relationships aren't all candy and roses. I know people who have gone through worse for love, and I myself have gone through some pretty stupid shit for love. We all do. But, this story is about relationships, and NOT just about love between two guys. It's about...Aww shit here I go on my soapbox again. But really, seriously, Love exists on all levels, from friendship, to what we all call "The Real Thing" or "True Love." Maybe Josh will find it. Maybe he won't. Only time will tell. Part four should be out soon, but I think I'm gonna take a few days off after this one. This was quite literally an emotionally exhausting chapter for me. SO please bear with me, I apologize for the delay on part three, but it's finally all done! As always, any comments, criticisms, or cute guys are welcome to email me at: thedoors72@hotmail.com and if you're one of the cuties, please...tell me you live near me! LOL.
luv and hugz!
Ari Ryven