Disclaimer: I dont them, but wouldnt it be cool if i did? lol
Still got about 40 mins left to Lance's 21st.... now its been over for about 40 mins, lol.
i hope he had a great day, watched him on Millionare, um, yeah. I loved watching him, but i knew all of his questions!
Anyway~ Stories to check out: Justin's Secrets Rude Awakening Nick and Brian Friends and lovers Changes Kevin and Justin Twist of Fate Dont wanna lose Running Thoughts
I'm sorry this is so very long after the last chapter, i had no idea what to write until tonite. Thank you all for being patient and still wanting to read. Enjoy! ~~~~~~~ Recap of chap 6:
Nick looked down the bus and to AJ. He was sitting on a chair reading. Over the past few months, and the tour, he and AJ had grown apart and then together again. They never made it back to how it used to be though. He looked back at Brian. He was sitting, his head in his hands. Nick could swear he was crying. AJ looked as if he has been crying as well.
He had spent the last few hours reliving his and AJ's relationship. He was trying to see if it was worth saving. He loved AJ, but AJ was becoming too much. He loved Brian. Did he love him like that? Could he? ~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 7
The rain beat down on the roof. Silence could be heard through out the house. Nick tossed and turned in his sleep. He finally gave up on sleep and sat up. He looked down onto the face of the man sleeping next to him. Nick caressed Brian's cheek, and admired how he looked in the moonlight.
" You are so beautiful. I love you so much. Please believe me, I never meant for it to end up like this."
" Nick?"
" You're up?"
" Yeah, what did you mean by that?"
" By what?"
" You never meant for it to end up like this?"
" Brian, please, I was talking as if you were sleeping, not something for you to hear."
" Nicky, do you love me?"
" Yes."
" I love you too, let's go to sleep, k?"
" Okay."
Nick turned around and covered himself deep in the covers. He did love Brian, but being Brian's lover was painful. Not physically but emotionally. He had left AJ. AJ gave no fight, so Nick took that as a sign that he didn't care. The thing was, Nick cared, but he realized that it was too late now. AJ had moved on, and away from Nick.
AJ watched his sleeping lover, as his breath became routine. He propped himself on his elbows. He watched him sleep. AJ knew it wrong for them to be together, and for the most part, AJ didn't love Kevin. Not like a lover, or a partner anyway. He still saw him as a friend.
After Nick left him, he was sad, mad, and depressed. Kevin had had come to him, partly knowing how vulnerable he would be, and AJ allows Kevin to make love to him. Their first time was painful, physically for AJ. For Kevin it was a dream come true. Their second time, AJ got into and enjoyed it. Their third time after Kevin had fallen asleep, AJ ran from the bedroom, in tears. He left the house and drove around the neighborhood for a few hours before stopping a near by park and took out his journal. As soon as the pen hit the paper, AJ didn't even realize what he had written until it was done.
My heart was closed to you
But I loved you
I never showed you
That's why you left
Me crying on the kitchen floor
Yelling in hot showers
Sleeping all day
And stayin up all night
I refused to let you in
And feel me inside
I let another
And chased you away
But see
He's not the one I want
I want you
But you love him
Don't even look my way anymore
I don't want him anymore,
I want you
How do I get you
Back to my heart
So innocent and young
I fell for you
Faster then the speed of light
The way your eyes lit up
At the funniest thing on TV
Or how you smiled as you sang
Or how you looked at me,
Friendly and sweet
I want that back
I want you back
I want to feel
Your hands in mine
Your breath on my neck
Your hands on my body
My heart in you hands.
But
My heart was closed to you
But I loved you
I never showed you
That's why you left
Can I ever get you back?
Hold you at night and wipe away the tears?
Caress your cheek as you sing a love song?
Can I ever get you back?
I want to feel
Your hands in mine
Your breath on my neck
Your hands on my body
My heart in you hands.
AJ put down his pen. As he reread what he wrote, he didn't believe it. The poem he had written was a song he had dreamt up a few weeks before, he had written down the music, and leaned it on the guitar, but he never had the right words. Now he did, and he was surprised that it come to him with out any trouble. He didn't even realize that he was crying. He looked up from the paper and up at the sky. He realized why the words came to him. He loved Nick.
Howie sat back in his bed and thought about Brian. He didn't really understand why he had pushed Brian to get Nick. If Brian was with Nick, how could he ever want to be with Howie? Howie tried to understand what he had done. He couldn't really. He couldn't sleep. The images of the man he had loved for so many years, haunted his sleep.
Howie got out of bed and dressed quickly. He hopped into the car and drove away from his home. He didn't really know where he was going, but he knew he had to go somewhere. He turned on the radio and the first song that came on was one he always thought he'd be able to share with Brian, but even as the tears fell, he didn't turn it off.
"I never had no one that I could count on
I've been let down so many times
And I was tired of hurtin', so tired of searchin'
Til you walked into my life
And it was a feelin' I've never known
And for the first time, I didn't feel alone."
AJ got back into his car and just kept driving. He too wasn't sure where he was going, but he had to get away. From the tears, the memories and the hurt. He turned on the radio and the car was filled with the sounds of Tim McGraw. He didn't really like country, but he listen anyway. Most importantly, he listened to the words, and what they were trying to say.
" You're more than a lover
There could never be another to make me feel the way you do
And oh, we just get closer
I fall in love all over every time I look at you
I don't know where I'd be without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend."
Brian had stayed awake as Nick fell back to sleep. He knew what Nick said, and what he meant by it, but Brian didn't want to lose the man that he had loved for what seemed like an eternity. He didn't know if he could love anyone else. They had been best friends, then Brian had fallen in love. Then after so much time, it seemed as if Nick had too, but Brian knew better. He knew that Nick's heart would always be with AJ.
' Damn it AJ! Why did you have to go and hurt him like this? He loves you, but you didn't even fight, and now, my heart is break in so many directions. I want him to be happy, above all else, his happiness is the most important, but what about me, and my happiness, can I be happy without him?'
Brian felt the tears edge their way out of his eyes. He began to sing the first song that popped into his head. He cried as he sang to Nick.
" You stand by me and you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy, you're right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble when we touch
And oh, the look in your eyes when we make love."
Before he knew it, Howie was parked in front of the cemetery. He hadn't been there in a few months, and his heart told him to go there. He took the long way over to Caroline. He walked slowly passed the boy who died two years ago in a car accident, and the grandfather who died of a heart attack, and the schoolteacher who died of old age.
He read each name, and said a prayers for each. Coming here was like meditation for Howie. It helped him relax, knowing that here, all of these people were looking over him and protecting him. He walked over to Caroline, laid down the rose he had taken from his garden and sat down next to the tombstone.
" Carrie, I'm hurting so bad. He doesn't love me, I thought that maybe someday, he would. But now I know, it'll always be about Nick. its always about Nick. With Brian, with AJ, even with Kevin, its about Nick. its funny though, with Nick, its not about Nick, its about AJ, and Brian, and Kevin and me. Sometimes, we don't give him enough credit for being a man, with strength and love and a mind of his own.
But, the thing is, I know that one day, Nick and AJ will find each other again, and Brian will be hurt, how can I just sit back and watch him hurt like that? I cant, I know you're thinking, let it play its self out, but damn it Carrie! He the first man I have ever loved, the man who made me believe in my sexuality, I need him."
"You're more than a lover
There could never be another to make me feel the way you do
And oh, we just get closer
I fall in love all over every time I look at you
I don't know where I'd be without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend ."
Kevin woke up and noticed that AJ was sleeping in the corner of the room, on the love seat, all curled up. His jacket was on the floor, with a tiny piece of paper sticking out of the pocket. Kevin looked at it then back at AJ about twenty time before assuring himself that AJ was sleeping. He reached down and picked up the paper.
As Kevin read the poem, he felt his heart begin to cry and scream and break. Then from somewhere deep within his body, he felt a certain happiness. Part of him always believed in the love that AJ and Nick had. He himself had crushed upon the younger singer, but deep down, he knew that one-day, they would find each other again. AJ found Nick, now the question, where stood Nick in all this?
" You're more than a lover
There could never be another to make me feel the way you do
And oh, we just get closer
I fall in love all over every time I look at you
I don't know where I'd be without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend
You're my best friend."
Howie kissed his fingers and placed them on Caroline's stone. He walked back to his car and drove off. He drove to Brian's house and just watched the slight movements that occurred from within. His eyes closed momentarily, when he opened them, he saw Brian sitting on the front porch, staring at him. Howie looked straight at Brian, and Brian back at Howie.
Brian wondered what Howie was doing at his home so late at night, but he didn't bother to get up and ask. Howie he looked down and broke the gaze. He put his hands on his face and cried. He didn't hear the door open and Howie as he walked towards him.
" Brian?"
" Hey."
" You okay man?"
" Yeah, what are you doing here?"
" I don't know, I went out to clear my head, and I ended here."
" Wonder what that means?"
" I guess, I knew that I could come here and find a friend."
" Just a friend?"
" What are you getting at Rok?"
" Nothing, forget I said it."
" You know I'm not good at playing that game."
" I know."
" Brian, do you wanna talk? Is it about Nick?"
" No, I wanna say it is, but this is about me, and how I know that not letting him go is wrong."
" Why? You don't love him anymore?"
" No, I do, but he doesn't love me, and I don't think he ever did."
" But, he picked you over AJ."
" No, he just didn't pick AJ, and I picked up the pieces, of his broken heart, a heart that never healed."
" Bri-."
" No, Howie, I know. But the thing is. Its strange, but I'm actually okay with this."
" You are?"
" He needs AJ, and I need someone who loves me, for me, and loves my heart. Who will be more than just my lover, but my best friend, and not just a best friend, but a lover. I just don't know where to find that man."
" If you only knew." Howie whispered under his breath.
" What did you say?"
" Nothing."
" Don't nothing me Howie what did you say?"
" I said. I said, I said if you only knew."
" If I only knew what?"
" That that dream man of yours was sitting next to you."
" He is?" Brian looked up and over at Howie.
" Yeah, but he has loved you for so long, and will probably always love you, but he doesn't want you to love him if he will always be second in you heart."
" Second to who?"
" Nick."
" Oh. If this man, who loves me, was willing to be patient with me, as I grew to love him as the only man for me, would he reveal himself?"
" I think he would be okay with that."
" If its alright with him, could I give him a kiss?"
" Brian?"
" Yes?"
Howie leaned over and gently placed his lips on top of Brian's. He kissed him softly before leaning back.
" I could get used to that." Brian smiled shyly at his new love.
" Brian, I want you to know, that I do love you, and I am willing to wait with you as you grow and become strong and grow to be able to fall in love again."
" But?"
" But, if ever you think that I am not the one, don't lead me on, and don't promise me forever, I can't go thought hurt like that, not anymore."
" I understand."
" And?"
" And I want to love you, and kiss you, and hold you."
" That's good enough for me."
Howie leaned back to face Brian and captured his lips in a kiss that was just as simple as the one before, but this one, held love and passion between it.
" You're more than a lover
There could never be another to make me feel the way you do
And oh, we just get closer
I fall in love all over every time I look at you
I don't know where I'd be without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend
You're my best friend."
( Best Friend by Tim McGraw)
Nick stood at the window and watched his best friend as he found his heart. Nick climbed back into the bed and closed his eyes. He reached for his heart as his sobs become louder and more choking and heartfelt.
" God AJ, I cant live without you."
AJ stirred and looked over at Kevin, Kevin was rereading the poem for the umpteenth time.
" I'm so sorry Boo."
" Don't be."
" I love him."
" I know you do."
" But he-."
" I know that he loves you too, he just doesn't know it."
" How do I show him?"
" This poem, its beautiful"
" it started off as a song."
" Sing it to him."
" What?"
" I know that when you write it you had a melody, go to him and sing it!"
" Now?"
" Why not?"
" Kevin its late."
" So? This is your heart, its never too late for love, especially on as giving and full of love as yours."
" Kev? I'm sorry I hurt you."
" No, its okay. I'm hurt but not because of you."
" Do you still love him?"
" More than anything." Kevin hung his head in shame.
" Oh, Boo, don't think that's a bad thing."
" He was my everything J, he made me realize why the sky was blue and why birds sang."
" Get him back. Look if I'm going at 2 in the morning to get my heart back, than you are too."
" I need a plan though."
" Fine, tonight it for Nick and I, tomorrow though, we are gonna sit down and figure out how to get Rich back to you heart."
" He never left, he'll be forever in my heart."
" I know that feeling. Nick will be forever in mine."
" Then lets go and make sure of it."
" Okay."
AJ and Kevin pulled on a pair of sweats and Kevin grabbed his keys. They drove to Brian's in silence. There was too much to think about to talk. They pulled into Brian's driveway and saw Howie's car blocking the entrance. They parked on the street and walked to the door. Howie and Brian were talking lightly as the two other band members walked to them. They looked up and smiled.
" Um, Brian, I have to see Nick."
" He's inside."
" Uh, yeah, okay, thanks."
AJ walked into the house slowly, Kevin followed, but he stopped off at the kitchen as AJ proceeded to the bedroom. AJ walked in and saw Nick curled up on the side of the bed. The pillow was stained with his tears. AJ felt the pillow and his fingers touched damp material.
" Oh, Nicky, why were you crying?"
AJ looked around the room and spotted Brian's guitar in the corner. He picked it up, pulled up a chair, and sat down along side the bed. He got out the pick and played the fist chord. He saw Nick turn in his sleep. He turned his body and was now facing AJ. AJ closed his eyes and began to sing.
" My heart was closed to you
But I loved you
I never showed you
That's why you left
Me crying on the kitchen floor
Yelling in hot showers
Sleeping all day
And stayin up all night
I refused to let you in
And feel me inside
I let another
And chased you away."
Nick woke from the obvious noise that was coming form near his face. He slowly opened his eyes and saw AJ playing the guitar, eyes shut and singing to him.
" But see
He's not the one I want
I want you
But you love him
Don't even look my way anymore
I don't want him anymore,
I want you
How do I get you
Back to my heart
So innocent and young
I fell for you
Faster then the speed of light
The way your eyes lit up
At the funniest thing on TV
Or how you smiled as you sang
Or how you looked at me,
Friendly and sweet
I want that back
I want you back."
Nick sat up and watched as AJ sang with every emotion known to man. He watched as AJ sang to him.
" I want to feel
Your hands in mine
Your breath on my neck
Your hands on my body
My heart in you hands.
But
My heart was closed to you
But I loved you
I never showed you
That's why you left.
Can I ever get you back?
Hold you at night and wipe away the tears?
Caress your cheek as you sing a love song?
Can I ever get you back?"
Nick slowly ran a finger across AJ's knuckles. AJ stopped playing but didn't stop singing.
" Can I ever get you back?
Hold you at night and wipe away the tears?
Caress your cheek as you sing a love song?
Can I ever get you back?
I want to feel
Your hands in mine
Your breath on my neck
Your hands on my body
My heart in you hands."
AJ began to cry as he sang the remainder of the song as Nick continued to touch him ever so gently.
" So innocent and young
I fell for you
Faster then the speed of light
The way your eyes lit up
At the funniest thing on TV
Or how you smiled as you sang
Or how you looked at me,
Friendly and sweet
I want that back
I want you back."
"You have me AJ, and I have you, forever in my heart." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well there you have it! everyone is happy again.
anyway, I want everyone to know that i am not gonig to stop this or any of my other stories any time soon, i would just like everyone to know that the installments may not come out as frequently. My graduation is next months, and this summer i will try as hard as i can to write regualrly, but then with the start of college, who knows?
But that is a long ways off. I just dont know when i will be getting the next chapter up for this, Love me or Destiny. But thanks you to all of the reader to sticking me it it and continueing to support me.
ANYWAY Thanks for reading, hope you liked it, as always, Feedback or anything else u wanna say to me, send it my way. Thanks Much ~ Elisheva MrClean290@aol.com