Forever in My Heart

Dis: dont know them!, dont read if u cant handle the subject matter.

I know its been a long time, i am so sorry. i was working on Love me, and i had nothing for this one. but i knew i had to get at least this chapter out. now hopefully they will come to me easier and to you faster. this chapter may get confusing, ask me to explain things if you need! Other stories yall NEED to check out!

brian and justin-I'm really gonna miss this story when it leaves. Nick and Justin-one of my absolute favs! twist and turns/rude awakenings Escape/Choices Friends and lovers nick-lance-and-jc nick and brain kissing me softly changes by my side running thoughts show me the meaning ~~

Keep the feedback coming, its very encouraging! thanks again, Enjoy! ~Elisheva

Recap:

AJ stood at the bunks and listened to Nick as he talked to Brian. AJ felt so bad. All he wanted to do was take Nick in his arms and hold him, kiss him, and make love to him, but he was too scared. Nevertheless, he knew he wrong to yell at Nick.

Nick looked back to the floor. He looked up at Brian who was still looking back at him.

" I can't deal with this, why now?"

" I'm sorry Nick, but I can't help my feelings."

" I know, but Brian, why me."

" Why not you?"

Nick looked up at Brian, his eyes still cold, but the tears made them soften.

" Oh Brian. I love AJ, don't I?"

~~

" Nick Carter and AJ McLean?"

" That's us, come on Nick."

" Yeah, AJ, I get it, they did say our names."

" Oh yeah."

The two boys walked slowly into the office and sat down on the couch that was right next to the door. They looked around the room and marveled at all the sculptures and paintings.

" Like what you see?"

AJ and Nick whipped their heads around to face the man who had spoken. He was in his thirties, about six feet tall, in good shape and looked at them lovingly. Nick smiled; he felt almost instantly that he could trust this man. AJ on the other hand, was not as sure as Nick was.

" Hello. I'm Dr. Roberts, but I hate the doctor part, so please call me Danny. Now, boys, come on, come closer, I won't bite."

~~

AND now, chap 6!

Chapter 6

" So Nick, how is your day going?" Danny asked Nick as they played nerf.

" It's okay."

" What is wrong?"

" AJ won't talk to me."

" I see, did you two have a fight?"

" No, after yesterdays session he stopped talking."

" Maybe this whole thing is new to him and he is shy."

" AJ? Shy? I don't think so."

" Why?"

" Because he's crazy with us."

" Yes, with you, but he doesn't know me."

" But, why would him not knowing you have him being rude to me."

" I don't know."

" Yeah."

AJ walked into Danny's office and saw Nick and him playing and talking. AJ wanted to go over there and join them, but his thoughts took over. He had been thinking about his feelings for Nick ever since Kevin talked to him. He didn't know how to evaluate it. He sat down on the couch completely lost in thought.

" Welcome AJ."

" What? Oh hey."

" You gonna talk to me today?"

" No, I'm fine thinking to myself."

" Alright, but I am going to talk."

" Fine."

" Nick cares about you and he's upset at your silence towards him."

" I'm sorry."

" Don't tell me, go and tell him, I'll be outside."

" Nickers?"

" Hey AJ."

" Can I talk to you?"

" If you wanna."

" Nick, I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you lately."

" Its okay I guess."

" Its not, I have been really confused about my life and I didn't want to drag you into it."

" Okay, but AJ, I love you man, you're my bro, so I'm already dragged into all your shit, so feel free to pull me in deeper anytime."

" You know. For a kid, you're damn mature!"

" Thanks!"

Danny walked back into the office and saw the two boys chatting. He smiled to himself and went back outside. He collected some files, went to his couch, and sat down. As he worked, he watched the two boys. Nick was still a child but AJ, almost an adult. His slender form sent shivers down Danny's back.

' He will be mine.' Danny thought to himself.

Howie sat in his room. He had just gotten off the phone with his sister Caroline. At 22, he was a young man, but with no one in his life. He couldn't tell anyone of his overwhelming feelings of confusion. Not even Kevin and Kevin would totally understand. He felt that he had to give off that persona of being the perfect ladies man. In actuality, it was the opposite. Over the couple years that the Backstreet Boys were together,

he had fallen for one of his group mates. He knew deep inside that he would never tell a soul. Howie just wished that one-day down the line, he could.

As Nick and AJ rode back to the hotel, AJ felt the air change between them, or maybe he was changing. AJ looked up and over at Nick. He was staring out the window.

" Nicky?"

" Yeah?"

" Do you want a girlfriend?"

" Why?"

" Just curious."

" Oh, um, uh, no, not right now anyway."

" Oh, okay."

" Why? Do you?"

" No."

" Oh."

They rode the rest of the way in silence. AJ didn't exactly know what he wanted to accomplish by asking those questions, but whatever it was, he did it. While Nick rested his head the glass of the window, AJ watched him from the corner of his eyes. He still didn't like Doctor Danny, but for Nick's sake, he would go.

Kevin walked out of his room just as Nick and AJ walked back onto their floor. He watched the two boys as they made their ways to their rooms. He walked to AJ's first.

" AJ? Can I come in?"

" Yeah."

" Hey, how was it today?"

" Fine, he wasn't there a lot of the time, so it was just Nick and me."

" I see. Have you thought about our conversation?"

" Yes."

" And?"

" And that's all I've been able to think about since yesterday!"

" AJ, no need to yell, do you know what any this means?"

" No. And I want to keep it that way. Nick could never feel that way about me."

" Don't be too sure of yourself."

Nick sat down on his bed and thought about AJ's question. He wondered why AJ cared. He didn't really care that much about him, why would he care about his love life? Nick kept thinking as he stripped and went to the shower.

Rich walked into his room and was greeted by Kevin. Kevin wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's waist and hugged him tight. Rich shrugged him off and went to the bathroom.

" What was that?"

" What was what?"

" That? I hug you and you push me away?"

" Sorry, Kev, I'm all sweaty."

" Okay."

Brian watched as his young friend climbed into bed with a solemn look on his face. Although five years separated them, Brian thought as Nick as his best friend. It saddened him to see Nick to upset. More than anything he wanted to hold him, and kiss him and take away his pain, but Nick wasn't like him, no one was. Well, Kevin was, but even his cousin didn't really talk to him about all this that goes on within your mind, heart, and soul when you discover what you are. He didn't dare tell his family. They had had a hard enough time dealing with Kevin. He wouldn't burden them with his own sexual discovery.

After hours of practicing and rehearsal, all five members of the Backstreet Boys collapsed into bed. As soon Nick's head fell to the pillow, he fell asleep. Brian followed soon after. AJ crawled into his own bed slowly. Howie fell asleep even before he got under the covers. Kevin joined Rich who had been in bed for a few hours already.

AJ stayed up for a few hours thinking. He had all these feelings inside him. The only person who seemed to understand was Kevin. The only person who was able to make him smile even at the worst of times was Nick. He closed his eyes and saw Nick. He saw his smile and AJ moved his hand to his shorts.

The weeks went by, and the schedule became routine. AJ and Nick would wake early, study a bit then go to Doctor Danny's. As the weeks passed, AJ got used to going and even began to talk. He told Danny about his feelings for Nick.

" I think I love him, but he's so young, how could he even understand my feelings."

" I can't speak for Nick, but you are a very attractive young man, and one day, you will find someone."

" But I want Nick."

" I understand that, but Nick may not want you."

" Did he tell you that?"

" Hey Danny, c'mere!"

" We will discuss this later."

" Did AJ say anything about me?"

" I'm sorry Nick, but I don't think AJ likes you like that."

" Oh, okay."

Danny sat back and watched his two young patients. He felt a tightness in his pants, and shifted in his seat.

' One day, one day he will be mine.'

January 9th 1996

Kevin, Jane, and Denise thought it would be a good idea if the boys went to Danny everyday before they went to tour in Europe. They would be dropped off at his office in mid-morning and return home in the late afternoon. All of them thought this would be a good preparation for Europe; they could never imagine the damage it would cause.

" Hey Dan! It's my birthday today; I'm 18, man! I'm legal!" AJ laughed on his way onto the office.

" I'll be 16 soon."

" Yeah, soon."

" Happy birthday AJ." Danny looked at AJ in a new light now. He was legal.

" Yup, thanks."

Danny and the boys sat down and discussed what the tour would be like. Danny noticed that AJ would look at Nick, and Nick would look at AJ when the other was not looking. Danny rose and paced the room.

" Nick, would you wait outside while I talk to AJ for a moment."

" Sure, see ya in a bit."

As soon as Nick left the room, Danny walked up to AJ, took him by the arms, and pulled him up. When the two men were facing each other, Danny brought his head to AJ's and pressed his lips to AJ's. AJ backed away.

" What the fuck?"

" You don't have to be scared of me, I want to love you, unlike Nick, who would rather die before touch you like I want to touch you."

" Get the fuck away from me man!"

" Shut up!"

Danny slapped AJ across the face and dragged him to his desk. He reached into a drawer and pulled out some rope. He tied AJ's arms behind his back and gagged him with a scarf he had handing up. He looked into AJ's eyes and kissed him again. AJ refused to open his mouth. Danny pried it open with his fingers.

" You do as I say, or I will do this to Nick, and make you watch! Understand?"

AJ nodded as the tears rolled down his face. He would rather die than make Nick go through this hell. Danny nodded to AJ and began to unbuckle his own pants. He slipped his boxers off and proceeded to take off AJ's clothes. When the younger man stood naked in front of him, he smiled. He ran his fingers down AJ's body. AJ jumped at the touch. Danny slapped him every time his body did not respond the way he wanted. AJ began to think of Nick. His body began to respond.

" Good, I knew you'd like this."

AJ tried to block out everything in the room. He tired not to hear Danny's moans of pleasure. Danny concentrated solely on AJ. They didn't hear the door crack open. Nick walked into the dimly lit office and saw AJ and Danny in the corner. As he walked closer, he soon realized what was going on. He began to cry when he saw his friend in so much pain.

" STOP!"

Both Danny and AJ turned to where Nick stood. Danny backed away from AJ and walked to Nick.

" You like that, you want that?" Danny yelled at Nick.

He roughly pushed him to the couch and pushed his body down onto Nick's. Nick tried to fight him. At the same time, he tried to tell AJ to leave.

" AJ, go, leave me, go!"

AJ could only shake his head no. He would not leave Nick alone with this monster. He wobbled over to Danny and kicked him. Danny got up off of Nick, grabbed AJ, and pulled them both down to the ground.

" You'll regret not listening to me!"

From outside the door, if one listened closely, they might have been able to hear the screams of the two youngest members of the Backstreet Boys. When Danny was done, there was blood everywhere. He had beaten them, and raped them both, repeatedly. He made AJ watch when he hurt Nick, but he closed Nick's eyes when he hurt AJ, so that he would have to imagine the pain in his own mind. Danny left the office shortly after collecting his briefcase and straightening up his suit, leaving the two boys to fend for themselves.

AJ found his arms had been untied and reached over to see where Nick was. His hand touched Nick's sweat and blood soaked skin. Nick jumped and shrieked at AJ's touch.

" Nicky, its me, its AJ."

" AJ?" Nick whispered into the dark air.

" Come on, we have to get cleaned up for Kevin and the others."

" Is he gone? Did he hurt you bad?"

" He's gone."

" I wanted to save you, to protect you."

" You did, you did."

" How can you say that?"

" I kept picturing your face, it didn't hurt so much knowing you were right here by my side, protecting me."

" But I didn't protect you, you were hurt so much more than me, I was just hit a bit."

AJ looked over at his young friend and realized he had gone into denial. AJ wanted to hold him and say that it was his job to protect Nick, not the other way around.

" Come on, let's get cleaned."

The two boys found a shower in the office bathroom. They both took turns washing off the blood. They got redressed and walked to the lobby.

" We tell no one, okay Nick?"

" Alright."

" Hey boys! Have a good day?"

" The best." Nick tried to smile for Kevin.

" Great, hop in, we have rehearsal early tomorrow, we want to get to sleep early tonight."

" Okay."

The two boys, when they got to the apartment that Lou had set up for them, walked to their rooms, and crawled into bed. AJ lay awake. He cried silent tears. Nick tried to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes, he saw AJ in pain; he saw Danny hurting him. He tried for the next few hours to close his eyes without seeing anything. He was unsuccessful. He once, fell asleep from pure exhaustion, but woke soon after in a fit of screams and tears. He ran to AJ's room. He watched the older boy as his chest rose and fell with his breaths. AJ sensed a disturbance in the room and opened his eyes. He looked up and saw Nick standing over him, watching him.

" Can I sleep with you, I'm scared."

" Hop in."

" AJ?"

" Can you hold me?"

" Hold you?"

" Please?"

" Sure."

AJ wrapped his arms around the younger boy, as Nick cuddled up to him.

" All I wanted was to protect you, I love you." Nick sighed as he fell into a dreamless sleep.

" Oh Nicky, I love you so much."

The next morning AJ and Nick stuck together. When they arrived in Europe, they managed to convince Kevin to have them room together. Nick could only sleep if he was in AJ's arms. AJ could only sleep if he was holding Nick. They thought it best never to explain what happened to the guys, but just tell them that they were in love.

" Well, I'm happy you two are happy."

" Thanks Kev."

" So tell me boys, when did this happen?"

" Um, I guess before we left for Europe."

" Okay. Well I had another question. We were thinking that we should send for Danny, and have him tour with us. How does that sound?" Kevin smiled at the boys

" NO!" AJ stood up and looked at Kevin with cold eyes.

" What's wrong, I think it would help you too, and he was happy to do it."

" Of course he was." Nick snapped.

" What's wrong?"

" Please Kevin. Please don't bring him here. If you do, I will quit." AJ announced and shocked both himself and Nick with his own words.

" No, AJ, don't tell him."

" We have to Nicky."

" You promised."

" Promised what?" Kevin looked at the boys.

" Kev, Danny was, well he raped us."

" Man, AJ, you and your imagination."

" Please believe us."

" I can't believe you'd accuse someone of something that heinous to get out of going!"

" I'm sorry."

Nick looked from AJ to Kevin. How could AJ have given up so easily. AJ walked out of the room and back to his own. Kevin looked to Nick. Nick walked out of the room and to the room. Nick walked in and saw that AJ was sleeping already. He crawled into bed with him and closed his eyes. When they woke a few hours later, AJ was dressed and ready to go.

" Nick, get ready fast."

" Okay, Aje, I think we should talk about this with them, tell them what happened."

" Tell them about what?"

After Kevin accused him of lying, AJ began to deny everything that happened. If one of the people who loved him most, couldn't believe him, then he wouldn't believe it either. He and Nick never discussed it. AJ knew his role was to comfort Nick, but they never talked about why.

~

Over the next few years, the lying, the fact that Nick kept his promise not to tell anyone, wore him down. He began to falter in his dancing. He missed words in concerts. To the audience it was a blooper for them to giggle at. For him, it was hell. To his group mates, it was a mystery. He began to withdraw from grouped conversations and decisions. Worst of all, he stepped away from AJ.

He couldn't deal with AJ's attitude. He didn't understand why would never even let him kiss him anymore. Nick didn't care about the sex. He missed the little things now. He couldn't live without AJ, but he couldn't live with him either.

What Nick didn't know was that Nick kept AJ sane. He never got over what happened with Danny. Knowing that Nick needed him was the only thing he lived for, When Nick pulled away, he went crazy.

" AJ! This is a big ass tour coming up, you can't fuck up like that onstage!"

" Sorry Fat."

" Don't fucking apologize to me, say it to your friends who fuck up because of you. Say it to your fans who will be disappointed."

" AJ, what's wrong man, this is the Millennium tour, its gonna be whack!"

" Whack Howie? Shut up man!" Brian laughed at his friend.

" Just leave me the fuck alone! None of you give a shit about me!"

AJ ran out of the studio. Kevin looked at Nick. Nick shrugged. He honestly didn't know what was up with AJ. He had moved out of the home they had purchased together. He had moved out of AJ's heart. At least he had tried to.

AJ drove back to his house, ran to his and Nick's room, and locked the door. He couldn't take the loneliness anymore. The pain and heartache were tearing him apart.

He walked to the nightstand table and picked up the picture of him and Nick. It was a collage of pictures of them from though out the years, Kevin had made it for them. He picked it up and traced Nick's smile. The picture went flying across the room. The glass shattered once it hit the door. AJ slumped to the floor and began to sob. He heard knocks on the door. He didn't care who was there. He wanted, needed Nick. He lost Nick.

Nick moved to Brian's when he left AJ. Once within the walls of an unfamiliar setting, the nightmares began again. He would wake up screaming, crying out for AJ. Brian would hear him and comfort him back into sleep. This went on for a few months before Brian had enough. They had had a bad rehearsal. AJ had stormed off. The tour was starting and he couldn't have Nick crying each night.

" Nick, before you turn in, can I talk to you?"

" Sure Bri, what's up?"

" You tell me."

" Huh?"

" Ever since you've moved in, you've had nightmares. Why?"

" I dunno, I just get them sometimes."

" Did you get them with AJ?"

" If I get them, I get them regardless of who I'm with!"

" Please Nicky, talk to me. Frick and Frack, talk to me."

" Bull! If you were my best friend you could have stopped him!"

Nick yelled at Brian, he was crying and the screams were stopped by the sobs. He hadn't yelled about this in all the years since it happened. Nick was 19 now. He had lived with this secret for three years. He couldn't deal with it anymore.

" Brian, promise you wont tell AJ I told you."

" Nick?"

Nick told Brian about the trips to Doctor Danny. He said that when they started, he was a fun guy. Then the rape. Nick stood. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He went into every dirty slimy detail. He had to. He had to let it out. He told Brian about his and AJ's relationship. He admitted to Brian, but mostly himself, that he thought that the only reason he and AJ were together, was because of their bond they had formed over the rape.

" I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore, or if I ever was."

AJ sat alone in the dark. The man he had loved for so long couldn't bare to be without him. AJ screamed into the cold air. He was lost without him.

The Millennium Tour

Neither man admitted that their relationship was over. The agreed to a cooling off period. They wanted to become friends before they tried anything again. This was easier said, than done. Nevertheless, they did it. They became friends. They talked a lot. They played around with the other guys. Things that they didn't do when they were committed to each other.

Kevin and Rich were slowly deteriorating as well. They had kept the relationship strong for the entire length of the Boys' success until this point. This tour beat all of the others. Kevin's personal life was ALWAYS in the spotlight. Kevin had to have a cover-up. A girlfriend. Rich, as much as he understood, he couldn't bare to think of someone else's hands on his lover. Rich stopped staying with Kevin at the hotels they went to. Kevin began to have a wandering eye.

Life for Brian changed as well. After Nick opened up to him, his love for his best friend grew. He knew that he would never be able to share his feelings with Nick, but he had to be able to fell them. He would sneak glances at him during rehearsal. He would wake up in the middle of the night and think about him. He would dream about him. He realized that he was falling in love with him. Not just love him in the ways that a brother would. He was falling head over heels in love with him. A part of him encouraged him to pursue it. Another told him that one day, AJ and Nick would realized that at one time there was true love, and they would be reunited. He didn't know which half to believe.

The years without Caroline drained Howie. She was the only one who had known his secret. She had known about the love he had for Brian. She had known about the love Brian did not have for him, but for Nick. She had known about AJ and Nick's relationship. Now that she was gone, everything he knew was building up inside of him. Howie knew the secrets of the group that even the members weren't aware of. It was killing him.

~

Nick looked down the bus and to AJ. He was sitting on a chair reading. Over the past few months, and the tour, he and AJ had grown apart and then together again. They never made it back to how it used to be though. He looked back at Brian. He was sitting, his head in his hands. Nick could swear he was crying. AJ looked as if he has been crying as well.

He had spent the last few hours reliving his and AJ's relationship. He was trying to see if it was worth saving. He loved AJ, but AJ was becoming too much. He loved Brian. Did he love him like that? Could he?