Written by: Feist E-mail: feistontibia@gmail.com
---------------------DISCLAIMER-------------------- This story will eventually contain sexual acts between underage males. It will also contain strong language, violence and graphic details. If you are underage, stop reading now. If you live in an area where any of these before mentioned acts are illegal, stop reading now. If you're offended by existentialist views, or sexual acts between male teenagers, stop reading now. If this does not apply for you, enjoy reading! ---------------------DISCLAIMER--------------------
CHAPTER 6
The house felt different from how it normally felt. Something was missing inside of it. A feeling that was knocking on the back of my head for the rest of the day. As soon as we got home, my mom walked upstairs and went to bed. She said she didn't feel quite well and needed some rest. Weirdly enough, my grandma didn't protest. I would've thought she'd keep her out of bed, to get back into a normal rhythm as soon as possible. She only looked at my mom though, gave her a gentle nod, and walked into the living room. I went inside with her, and sat down in the chair opposite from her.
"There's someone coming in to talk about your dad's funeral Damian." she said, looking uncomfortable. "I know you probably don't feel like it, but I want you to be there during the conversation." she said, even though I had no idea why she wanted me there. "Your mom is not very well at the moment and I think it might be better if she's actually not there. I will of course ask her, but I don't think so. She's too much in denial."
"But..what will I have to do..?" I asked her, afraid of that I would have to organize all kinds of things. I had never had this before, never someone so close to me had...died. It still felt very unreal, and I could understand my mom's denial. If my dad would've walked in this same moment, I wouldn't have found it weird. It was just..too fresh. Of course I knew it wasn't going to happen, but between knowing, accepting and realizing is a big difference.
"Oh there's nothing to worry about dear," she said, seeing how uncomfortable I looked. "He just wants to have a conversation with us to see what kind of people we are. He will also have to know how many people we expect there to be, and a few other things." she said, nonchalantly. "...But there's something else..He will also want to know who's going to speak for your dad, and if that includes close family..such as yourself." she said hesitantly, looking me in the eye with an expressionless face. Now that struck me. I completely overlooked the fact that they might ask someone to speak for him. And that person could be me. It scared me, but it also gave me an interesting look on things.
"Well..Yes, I guess I could say a few words..," I said, picking my words carefully. I stood up and walked towards the kitchen, wanting something to drink. "You want anything to drink grandma?" I asked, figuring she also had a busy day.
"Sure dear, just make some tea please." she said, when I looked into the room. I put the water on, and walked back to the living room. "Thank you, now let's talk about what you're going to say then." she said, and it was clear that she was happy with my decision. "It doesn't have to be much, a few words, spoken from the heart, will do. It's about the quality of them, not the quantity" she said, making sure I understood well. "Your father was a very good man, and there's a lot of things about him that you could mention. You could also just express your love, or how much you miss him. Anything is basically fine, as long as your comfortable with it." she said. I knew she was right, and I knew I wasn't able to hold a long speech for sure.
"Thanks grandma, yea I know that. I'm going to write the speech this evening." I said, already thinking of what to put into it. This was my last chance to somehow personally speak to my dad, pay him my last respect. I also knew that if I wanted to come clear with my conscience, I had to apologize for being hard on him. Only that way I would be able to feel comfortable thinking about him in the future. "I don't know how personal it will be, but I'll manage." I said, looking at her and giving her a small smile to indicate I was fine.
"That's good dear, and if you want me to proof read it perhaps, to correct some errors, just say so." she said, and I was very happy with the offer. The letter was going to contain things that I didn't want her to know before the funeral yet. Things I wanted to tell that would be most uneasy to do so with such a big audience. The water for the tea would be boiling now, so I stood up again to pour in the tea. Coming back into the living room, I sat down and drank my tea quietly. My grandma did the same, even though I was sure there was something she wanted to say. I decided not to pay any attention to it though, and let it rest. When I finished, I excused myself and went upstairs. Once in my room I booted my computer, and waited for it to finish. I then opened a text editor and stared at the blank screen.
What do you write for someone who is so close to you? The feelings you have for these people is so unexplainable you can hardly do it within a five minute speech. Which is a long time already. I decided I'd just put the things in it that I wanted my dad to know, some things about myself, some apologies, and how much I loved him. That would cover most of the things, without making everything too long. The question was also; what would my mood be once I got there? I mean, I might be crying like a baby for all I know. Damn this was hard..If I were to make the story too emotional, I'd definitely not be able to maintain myself. This should all not be happening.
I worked for what I thought was a long time. I had never liked writing, but this was something that just had to be done. At some point I heard the door bell ring and I knew the guy for the funeral was there. I just waited in my room for my grandma to call me, which I figured she would soon. It did however take a lot longer than I expected, and I was just about to finish my concept when my grandma called me downstairs.
"Damian? Can you come downstairs for a bit?" my grandma called, and I stood up, saved my file and went downstairs. In the living room I saw a man, somewhere in his mid-fifty's, sitting in a chair near my grandma. My grandma and me sat down again, and I waited for what was about to come. The man wore a black suit, indicating that he was doing business and that it wasn't a happy one. He did however look friendly, and tried to comfort me a little with his smile.
"Hello Damian, just call me Saul for now. I'm here to discuss some things with your family about your dad's funeral," he said, and it was certain by the tone he used that he was feeling more comfortable than anyone else I ever met when talking about deceased close ones. "Your grandmother told me that you wanted to give a speech?" he asked me.
"That's correct," I answered, but knew for myself already that I wasn't going to let anyone, nor my grandma, see it.
"Very well, do you also know how long it's going to be? Because there might be other people who want speak too." he said, but my grandmother knocked him off.
"I think the boy is allowed to speak for as long as he wants, it won't be too long but just let him be." she said, smiling softly at me, but making sure the man understood what she wanted.
"That's settled then. May I ask, can I see Mrs. Roberts please, if it's not too much trouble?" he asked, looking hopefully at my grandma.
"I'll try to see if she's fit to come downstairs" she said, after which she stood up and went upstairs. It took about three minutes, and I tried to notice any sound that may come from upstairs, but I couldn't hear any. When my grandma came down eventually, she was followed by my mother. She was wearing her pajama's, and looked like she just woke up. "Sit down now Helen," my grandma said, and urged her into a seat. My mom sat down, looked at me, and then at the man sitting close to her. When he noticed my mother was alsoy mentally in the room now, he spoke.
"Hello Helen, you can call me Saul. I'm here to arrange your husbands funeral, as you might know. Are there any specifics from your side?" he asked my mother, knowing how hard it must be for her.
"Well...no... Not any that I know of though, maybe the choice in music, or flowers or something?" she asked. I was glad that she at least faced the fact that my dad was actually dead. "Oh and..I think I would like to give a speech.." she followed, then looked down miserable. "It'll be the last thing I can tell him..." she said, and she now seemed like crying.
"That's settled then... Your son also wants to say some words, so you might help each other with it" Saul said, looking at both of us. My mom then looked at me, and I saw a sparkle in her eyes. She must've been very proud that I wanted to say something. It showed how much I cared, and that's what she needed. Saul stayed another ten minutes, in which we discussed some seating arrangements, flowers and music. He then left us, after everything was taken care of. I'd have another day of school, and then the moment would be there. My last chance of saying goodbye.
I went upstairs, and left my mother and grandma in the living room. My grandma would be cooking dinner soon, and my hope was that my mother would maybe help her. It would be great if she was going to do stuff by herself again, the sooner the better. I once again went behind my computer and looked over what I wrote. I found that it didn't look very bad; it contained everything that I wanted to say, including apology's and everything. There was something missing though, something I couldn't quite grab hold of. It wasn't that the speech was unfinished, it just lacked something. Something...very important. I decided to let it rest a bit, and that it would come up soon. I started my mail program to see if there was anything new. School send me a message that I would be having a free period tomorrow 3rd hour, which was good since this was normally math class. But the thing that really caught my eye was a mail from Terry. Now why would he send me a mail? That really was the first time he did that. Normally we only spoke at school, during breaks or whenever we saw each other in the hallway. I opened the mail and read it.
"Hey Damian, what's up? I have no idea why I send you this mail, but just thought it might help you feel a bit better. You really looked weird today at school; no offense there! seriously though man, if you ever want to talk about something, just say so. I won't try to kill you for your thoughts you know ;). Well, hope to see you at school tomorrow, and just remember, cheer up dude!" I read the mail twice, just to get the complete message. It was very neutral, yet I was really glad with it. This might be the first really personal mail someone send me. I never really had friends who I mailed with, I simply never let anyone get that close to me. I figured; why not, and hit the reply button.
"Hey Terry, thanks for sending me a mail. It does help my mood a bit, and I can use it really! School mailed me that I've got 3rd period off, so..maybe you wanna hang out or something? That is if you don't have class of course. Well, see you tomorrow!" I wrote, and reread my message a few times. It was also neutral, I didn't have to be afraid of him thinking more of it. It was just enough, no more no less. I pressed the send button, and left my computer.
I went downstairs into the kitchen and saw my mom preparing dinner together with my grandma. I couldn't help but smile by the sight of this, my mom would actually get better soon. This morning was just..a mistake, one that I had to forget. We had quite an enjoyable meal this evening; potatoes with vegetables and a nice piece of meat. Dinner was quite uneventful, and my mom looked more normal than she had all day. She didn't even have to cry, or have mood shifts. She even asked me how school was, and how I was feeling. I explained her how I felt without letting too much emotion escape, afraid she might take offense and get depressed all over. After dinner we all helped cleaning up and just tried to enjoy the rest of the evening. It was around ten when we all went to bed.
I sat behind my desk once more to check if I had any mails, but sadly enough I didn't. It would be cool if Terry had reply'd to my mail, but I guess I should be happy with just one. Why was I even so... glad with his mail? I thought about it for a while and had to admit I cared for Terry quite a bit. It's not very strange though; he's one of the only people I speak with at school, and he's always nice to be around. Something crept in the back of my head. Something I tried to deny until now, but that couldn't be locked away for ever. Did I..like Terry? I don't think I've ever liked someone before, except for my jack-off fantasies. But those are just because a teenage gay boy needs SOME release. No, I can honestly say that I've never..liked someone before, and was clearly trying to keep it so. I don't need someone in my life, it's all just hinder for things that are really important; things that do matter. Besides, how long do relationships last? I thought some more about what it was I could expect from a relationship, like weighing the pro's and con's.
A relationship for me, would be completely romantic. Yes, I agree, who ever thought I was a romantic? But I am! There's nothing more beautiful than two people who sincerely love each other. The love that you read about in books though, not the love we practice from day to day. If I would ever want to have a relationship, I'd have to be certain that the other one would never cheat on me. Cheating is...the most horrible thing in the world. If you truly love someone, you don't do this to your partner. So that's clear; no cheating. A love so strong that it doesn't require someone on the side. Also I would have to be able to laugh with someone, and feel comfortable around him. Now most relationships start, while both people know that it might eventually go over. Look at them heterosexual couples; they have a fling for a week and then it's over. And during the fling, they're talking about how they know it's not the person they're gonna spend their life with. They take a relationship as an excuse to have lots of sex. This is not how I am though; I want a relationship in which I know that I'm not going to break up from the other person, and the same in the opposite way. I know it sounds ridiculous; everyone wants this, but in nine out of ten cases this doesn't happen. Other people even say that it doesn't exist. Then let's keep it this way; no relationship for me. I just don't want it, except if it meets all the above. No one-night stands, no one-week relationships, only the real thing. And if that real thing doesn't exist, then so be it. I'll just be waiting for it, and if it doesn't come, then I'll be alone with myself. No big deal.
Or is it a big deal? I was worrying about a lot of things lately, and people like Terry, Dennis and Dario kept coming into my head. What if my.. instincts or something told me otherwise? That I DO need some...warmth, someone to hold on occasion.. I must say, the thought of it is great. But let's face it, these three are all straight, and even if they weren't, they wouldn't be looking at me. I don't think I'm bad looking at all, but it's more my character that kind of..repels people. I'm too much of a loner they'll think, always minding his own business, sitting alone. No, a relationship is not made for me. And I like it that way, I think.
I shut down my computer and went to bed. I put the lights off and lay awake for a while, until my thoughts couldn't overrule my tiredness anymore.
When I woke up next morning, I just repeated my cycle as usual, got showered and dressed and then went downstairs where my grandma already had breakfast ready. She then told me she was going to the doctor again with my mom to see if everything was still OK. She also mentioned bringing me to school today, which I was very glad for. I made some sandwiches for school, and waited in the car for my grandma to drive me. Everything was the same as every other day. Kids running over the school lawn, others sitting on the benches talking with each other. I tried to see if there was anyone I knew, but found out there was no one. I secretly hoped to see Terry, I could use some of his happy behavior. I could also use some of his good looks to please my eyes. I looked at my watch and saw I had five minutes left before class started, so I went inside and began my journey to science class. The class itself was OK, I understood the subject decently and the teacher was kind of OK too. It was a double hour, so it did last kind of long. Then came the moment I was waiting for, 3rd period. I had this period off, and figured since Terry didn't mail me back he probably still had class. The bell rang and I walked out of science, going to my locker to stash my bag and get something to eat. When I was almost at my locker, I saw Terry standing there, waiting for someone. I walked up to him.
"Hey," I said, trying not to sound too happy to see him. "What's up?" I asked him
"Not much, thought I'd come here, I've got 3rd period off as well" he said with sparkling eyes.
I instantly flared up inside, was Terry also free 3rd period? But that would mean we could do something together. "Really? Sick teacher or something?" I asked, and saw his smile change into a wicked grin.
"Well not really, but I took the privilege of making myself available 3rd period. I don't think they care though" he said, throwing his bag from his shoulder. "Care if my bag joins yours in the locker? It's a bit far to mine so.." he said, already throwing in his bag on top of mine.
"Don't leave me much choice do you" I said, closing the locker and giving him a friendly shove. "So what do you wanna do? It's only one period so..."
"Let's just go out and talk somewhere, maybe in the park. But first let's get something to eat." he said, while walking away and mentioning me to come with him. We both got something from the cafeteria and went outside. The temperature was a lot higher now I noticed when we walked off the grounds. I wondered why he came up with the idea of talking so fast, was there maybe something he needed to tell me? If so, it could be anything. What if..no, of course not. After a five minute walk we arrived in a small park and sat down on one of the benches. "So what do you wanna talk about?" I asked him lightly, trying to get a conversation going.
"Damian, have you ever...like...really been in love?" he asked me, and for the first time I saw him getting nervous. What kind of a confession was coming up?
"Ehm..no I don't think so, never met the right one I guess" I said, trying to sound as natural as possible. I didn't want to show that I was a bit confused by the conversation. I took a bite of my sandwich to make sure I didn't have to say something else about it.
"OK, because there's someone who I really like, but I just don't dare to tell...that person. What do you think is the best way?" he asked, and I looked at him with a startled look in my eyes.
"And you ask me? You're the one who's had a girlfriend before; I bet you know quite well how to handle the lady's!" I said, trying to make it sound like I was reassuring him. But instead of cheering up, he just looked a bit more down.
"Well, it's just that... I don't know, I'm just a bit self conscious I guess. I don't want a girlfriend like Rachel again. I mean, she was great and all, pretty, but I just want more. I want real love I guess. And..well, I think I've found it now, I just don't know how to come up with it" he said, after which he looked up expectantly.
"I suppose you should just..ask her out or something? I mean, how bad can it be. She could totally ignore you, make fun of you, OR go for you!" I said, happy on the outside but sad on the inside. "Just go for it dude, and if she's smart she'll take you." I said, giving him a smile.
"You really think so?" he said, clearly not convinced. "That won't ever work, it's way more complicated than that. I'll just..I'll buy flowers or something" he then said, looking in the other direction, obviously wanting to change the subject. I still didn't know who it was though, he didn't mention a name, not even a he or a she! Of course I was getting my hopes up too much. I guess I'll just have to ask him, because I can't live in doubt about this.
"Ehm, Terry, does she also have a name...?" I asked carefully, biting my lip. I actually didn't even want to know the answer
"Of course she does, but..You have to promise not to tell anyone. No one knows besides you and...well, it's Melissa." he then said, a weak smile appearing on his face. Melissa was a sophomore who was considered one of the most prettiest girls in school. Guys tried to get her to date them all the time, and she always declined. Terry would come down from it heartbroken. Although, with his looks and his character, who knows how big his chances are. I felt relieved and sad at the same time. I could've expected this to happen, but I didn't know it would make me feel hurt. What if it were me? What if I was the one that Terry loved? That would just be..I don't know. Terry strikes me as the boyfriend that completely fits my perfect image. I can laugh with him, he's cute, trustworthy. He even said that he wanted to go for real love. But some things are just not meant to be.
"Melissa? Wow...Doesn't surprise me somehow," I said with an evil grin. "You'll just have to close in line for her then".
"Not funny Damian, I actually think she might just go for me. I saw her staring at me in the hallway!" he said, a grin appearing on his face again. This was the last thing we said about her before I noticed my watch and saw it was already time to leave. We quickly ate the remainder of our food and hurried ourselves back to school. We grabbed the bags from my locker and went to our different classes. I could not help but want to see him again. Why couldn't I be one class lower, or he one class higher? Just so we could have some classes together. I'd be able to joke with him all day, see him all day. I actually think this liking is turning into something worse. I'll have to stop, since I don't want to lose my heart over a straight boy. That's just..unacceptable. I just hope it works out between him and Melissa, if they ever get something. I'll continue being the loner, a role completely fit for me.
END OP CHAPTER 6
-----------------------------ATTENTION------------------------- Still; first of all I would like to thank everyone who took time to give me feedback. Since I've had so many mails for this story, I decided to start a MAILING-LIST. If you're interested in joining, just mail me to: feistontibia@gmail.com subject: mailing list Updates will be weekly, and you'll receive a mail when a story's up on nifty or if there's anything else. If you're interested in well-themed gay story's by my favourite author, look at: www.comicality.gayauthors.org Or go to the www.gayauthors.com homepage. I would gladly like to hear what Your opinion is in what I posted here. Feedback, no matter positive or negative, will be my main motivation to continue. And if you just feel like dropping down a friendly note, that's also fine! ------------------------------------------------------------------