This story is a work of Fiction and in no way implies that the sexuality of any person mentioned therein is under suspicion-even if some of us wish otherwise.
For Justin's Love
It was a Saturday morning and I went to the Student Center so that I could check my little cubby-hole of a P.O. box. I saw nothing in there, but just as I was about to close my box and leave, a hand stretched from the mailroom holding a thin yellow envelope. I thanked the surprised mail woman and snatched it from her hand. I never got mail, so I was always anxious to see some in there. As I grabbed the envelope, I figured it was a card from my mom-just the occasional card telling me how much she loved me, and stuff. They were corny, but I really appreciated it, especially as I didn't really have any close friends at school. Sure, I got along fine with everyone in my hall, but I didn't really have anyone I could hugely trust. I opened it, and sure enough, a small Hallmark card was inside of it.
On the cover, a small dog sat there on a yellow stain looking down and sad. A voice bubble over his head read, "I'm sorry." When you opened the card, the dog said, "I forgot to brighten your day!" Inside of it, a ticket and piece of plastic fell out. I looked at it, and it was a backstage pass to their concert when they came through Atlanta! Mom wrote-I know you said you wanted to meet them, so your Aunt Terri made a couple of phone calls and I hope you enjoy them. Have fun this semester! XOXO, Mom."
I put down the card and looked up at the sky. Yes! I couldn't believe it, I finally managed to snag backstage passes to the NSync tour! I'd had a secret crush on Justin since I first saw "Tearin' Up My Heart" on MTV. No one really knew how much I lusted after him, not even me! Finally, in order to relieve some of the tension I felt in knowing that my dream love would never be, I wrote stories about him-usually naughty stories, but the occasional pretty and gushy ones as well. I thought that I wrote like shit, and I still do. But, it did help a little. And now I'd be meeting them in person!
I couldn't wait for the day to come. Everything went well enough, but my head was never entirely in my schoolwork. Instead, I was playing through every fantasy I'd ever read or written where people met at concerts, and ..
But almost a month later, the day arrived. I woke up and spent the rest of the day getting myself ready. I got my long blond hair cut a little shorter- so that it was almost to my chin in the front and above my ears in the back. I shaved and showered, using all the shampoo and body lotions I only used when I was going to photoshoots or auditions. I dried off, wrapped the towel around me and walked back to my dorm room, thinking about what to wear. Suddenly, it came to me! Of Course! I pulled out my black corduroy shorts that came to my knees and a white Billabong t-shirt. Over it, I pulled a powder blue (or baby blue, depending on definition) collared shirt with thin black and white lines crisscrossing it. I left it open, the way I normally do, and began to work with my almost dry hair.
I left for the concert about an hour and a half before it was scheduled to begin. I had only lived in Atlanta for a semester, so I didn't know how to get to Phillips Arena, where the concert would be held. The drive only took me twenty minutes, but as I had broken nearly every law of driving, I wasn't too surprised. I found a good parking spot and started to walk inside. Two of the guards held me back so I showed them my backstage pass.
"Sorry," one of them told me. "We can't let you in until the group gets here."
"Oh," I said, dejected.
Don't worry, kid. They'll be here any minute," he reassured me.
OK." I went around to the gate to see if I could see them coming. After only a couple of minutes, I saw a limousine pull up and out stepped the five of them. One by one, I saw Chris, JC, Lance, Joey and finally Justin come out of the limo and start goofing around. They played a little bit of hackey sack, some basketball, and just cracked a lot of jokes to loosen up before going inside to warm up their vocals and get into their first costume set. I stood absolutely still and watched them go in. Now, I'm not a very outgoing person, and I never really have been. Whereas in my stories and dreams, I'm extremely extroverted, I am truly one of the most shy people I have ever met. Strangely enough, I don't embarrass easily; I just get uncomfortable. (You shouldn't let me go off on a tangent like this or I'll ramble on forever.) Once they vanished into the doorway, I walked back to where the guards had turned me back. To my surprise, there were already a LOT of people there-most of them screaming, teenage girls. I smiled. -How do thirteen year old girls think their gonna get it on with any of these guys? Can't these girls find someone their own age?-
This time, the guard nodded and smiled, and the screams intensified with jealousy as I calmly strolled into the arena. I handed showed my backstage pass to all the people who rushed out of nowhere to stop me, and they all backed down and one young black woman showed me the way.
"So, you got a pass, huh?" she asked.
"Yep," I bubbled. I was so excited.
She smiled at the tone of my voice. "What's your name, hon?"
"Ryan."
"I'm Sheryl. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too, Sheryl. You been working here long?"
"Not really. I wanted to work tonight 'cause I love those boys and I wanted to get to see 'em for free!"
"That's cool. I should've thought of that."
"Oh yeah! It's a lot of fun. It's not too hard, either."
Soon I realized that we were almost at the dressing room. Apparently, we'd taken the long way around, because a bunch of girls were there, clamoring to see the guys.
Sheryl and I looked at each other and shrugged. We both laughed then, and I wished her well and thanked her for showing me the way.
Just as I stepped to the back of the group of painfully piercing pre- pubescent girls, the door to the dressing room opened and all of the guys came out to answer a couple of questions. All of the girls raised their hands. I watched, bemused as some of the stupidest questions came out of their mouths.
"So, you guys really like to sing?"
"How old are you?"
"What do you look for in a girl?"
"Do any of you have girlfriends?"
It went on and on. I finally shook my head and figured I'd ask a serious question.
I raised my hand. JC's eyebrows raised as he saw me standing quietly in the back. "It's a two-part question," I began. "The first one is: what key is it that you guys harmonize in, and the second is: do you all sing different keys when you aren't singing together?"
They all looked at each other, relieved that someone had asked a real question.
The girls, however, looked at each other in confusion. I chuckled, but then blushed when, as one, they all turned to stare at me.
Lance answered my second question first. "Yes, we actually do sing in different keys-usually separate by one-half step or so. Well, at least Chris and I do. Joey and JC sing in the same key and none of us knows what Justin sings!" They all laughed, except Justin, who looked a little indignant. Joey answered my first question. "We harmonize-or at least TRY to harmonize in D." I nodded. Cool.
"Any more questions?" Chris asked.
The girls immediately threw up their arms again, and again asked some inane questions. A thought formed in my head. I fought it for a while, but it eventually overcame my shyness and commanded me to speak. So I raised my hand a second time.
I blushed when I received all the attention again. "Um, guys, this is gonna sound kind of weird, so don't take this the wrong way." They stirred uneasily, uncertain of what I was going to ask. "As I'm sure you know, there are web sites and story archives entirely devoted to you guys. My question is: do you ever peruse them, and has anything really stuck out in your heads recently?"
They all seemed to breath a sigh of relief. Justin answered that question first. "Well, I know we all love to look around at those sites that profess to be our biggest fans." They all nodded in agreement. "And a couple of us read what some people have read." Joey and Chris spoke their assent. "I'm one of 'em, too." Justin added. "And as for anything sticking out..." he thought for a minute.
Joey and Chris both said, "Not really anything in particular."
But Justin remembered. "Yeah. I read a story not too long ago called- what was it? It was "NSYNC New Life," or "Life with NSYNC," or somethin' like that." I stiffened and my eyes widened.
JC looked at his watch. "Sorry girls, but we need to finish getting ready for the concert. Stay after and you can get some autographs if you like." The girls all groaned, but turned to leave and find their seats. I also turned to go, but JC indicated to me to come to the door. So I weeded my way through the throng and approached him. "You don't need to leave. Hang with us for a while, if you like."
I stared. Was he serious? "C'mon man. We still need to get dressed, but it'd be nice to be able to have a real conversation with a fan." I was a statue. I felt so awkward and embarrassed. I had to do something to loosen up. I thought for a minute. Then I fell to my knees and began bowing, saying "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy. I'm scum!" They all laughed and Chris leaned down and helped me up.
They sat on the very comfortable leather couches in the dressing room and sipped some bottled water after they rummaged through the wardrobes in order to find what outfits they were gonna wear. Lance glanced at me. "Those were really cool questions you asked. You seem to know about music. You sing?"
The others looked at me, honestly interested in my answer. It was so overwhelming. "A little bit," I answered. "I like to do musicals, and stuff, but I'm a tenor, and it seems like EVERYONE'S a tenor, so it's hard to get into a capella groups and stuff."
"Yeah. We know how you feel," they empathized. "Most of us are tenors, too."
"But you're a hell of a lot better than I'll ever be," I explained the simple difference.
"Thanks, man," Chris said. He extended his hand. "By the way, I'm Chris."
I laughed. "I know Chris. But I'm Ryan. Nice to meet you." Justin stared at me in shock for just a second when he heard my name. Then he scrutinized my face. -Hmm,--he thought. -Could it be?-
I shook hands with all of the group and we chatted for a couple more minutes.
Then I realized they still needed to get dressed. I stood up. "Where're you going, man?" JC asked me.
"I, uh, just figured you guys needed to get dressed. I mean, uh, it's getting kind of close."
Justin looked at his watch. "He's right. We really should get ready."
"I'll see you guys after, then," I said as I headed towards the door.
"Ryan," Joey called. I turned to look. I probably shouldn't have, since both Lance and JC were already in only their boxers and Justin was removing his pants.
"Where're you sitting?" he asked.
"Uh," I mumbled as I pulled out my ticket. "Section 132, Row Z, seat 45," I replied.
Justin, now only in his boxers, exclaimed "What?" and came over to see for himself. I showed it to him, trying to glance at his very scantily clad body without his knowing. "Huh," he grunted. "Whaddya think of that, Joey?"
"Let him stay backstage and watch from the side. It beats that seat."
"That's a good idea, Joey," Chris piped up. He had finished getting dressed, and was stretching out a little bit in his white pants and white "wife- beater."
"I think so too," Lance agreed.
"Me too," Justin added softly.
"Are you guys serious?" I asked incredulously.
"Absolutely," JC told me.
"Why are you all being so nice to me?" I asked, a little apprehensive.
"Well," Joey replied, "we love meeting new people, especially fans, and we like thanking them for their support. You happened to be the lucky S.O.B tonight!"
"But," I began to protest.
"Deal with it," Justin told me with a smile. So, I ended up staying in the wings as *NSync performed in front of a packed audience.
The concert was amazing. I nearly broke down when they sang "Everything I Own," it was so beautiful. "Tearin' Up My Heart," "Want You Back," "God Must Have Spent," and "Drive Myself Crazy" all turned up and I loved each one. After a few songs, the guys would run offstage, go change and get a quick breather, and then go back on. I got and gave a lot of smiles and pats on the back as they ran by me in both directions. But the finale of the show got my immediate attention: a cell phone rang on stage and JC answered it. "Hello?" he asked into his mike. "Oh, hi! Hold on for just a minute, ok?" With that, he pointed to his right. A sound like a generator switch went off and a huge screen above the stage flicked on and Gloria Estefan was on it! Apparently, they were connected through satellite, and Gloria asked if she could join the guys in one last song. "Music of My Heart" rang out, and even the screaming girls were quieted by the beauty of the words and meaning of that song. I smiled, remembering my arrogance in my story, and hoped that Justin hadn't been offended by it.
After the concert, the guys came back and showered. I waited outside the dressing room for them to come back out and commence with the autographs. After only a couple of minutes, the throng of sweaty girls was back and in tandem, they all shot me an evil glare. I shrugged innocently. "What?" I asked. They refused to answer. Wonder why.
The guys all heard the noise and came out to sign all sorts of paraphernalia. I lounged against the wall, waiting for it all to be over. When they were done, they beckoned me back into the dressing room for a while, since they were going to relax and cool down a little.
As I walked in the door, Lance looked at me curiously. "Ryan, I've been thinking-"
As he said this, a chorus of "Oh, no!" and "Isn't that illegal?" erupted from the peanut gallery.
He ignored them and continued, "-why did you ask that question about the sites and stories? That was kind of an unusual one."
I flushed. "Uh, well..."
"Ryan," Justin interrupted me.
"Huh?"
"Did you write a story about us?"
I panicked. I figured they already knew, but I looked around to see the hatred or contempt on their faces. I saw none. "Well, kinda..."
Chris perked up. "Was it a romantic one?"
I blushed. "Well, uh, sorta..." I looked up and stated quickly. "Wait a second! I'm not gay, or anything. I just had a weird dream one time and my friend told me to write it all down, so I did. All of my stories suck anyway, so I didn't really have a problem writing it down. It wasn't like anyone was reading it. Anyway, I sent it to my friend, and he said it was good. I said thanks, and that's about all I heard. Why do you guys ask?"
"Well," Justin answered, "I kind of showed them the story that perked my interest-'NSync New Life. I just thought it was so good that they should all see it."
"I see," I said, keeping my head down.
"Does that name sound familiar to you? I mean, do you know that story?"
"I dunno. Why?"
"The author's name is Ryan," Joey told me.
I got upset. "Is that why you guys wanted me to stay? To see if I'm some fanatical author here to make passes or something like that?"
"No! Not at all!" JC hastened to assure me. The others nodded their agreement.
"I was just curious," Justin said in that cute little voice.
"Don't worry Justin," Chris told him. "He's probably not the author anyway." He looked at me. "Sorry, didn't mean to upset you."
I sighed. Then I began to sing, quietly. "There's a grief that can't be spoken...There's a pain goes on and on... empty chairs at empty tables...now my friends are dead and gone. Here they talked of revolution...here it was they lit the flame... here they sang about tomorrow... and tomorrow... never came."
They all stared at me, remembering exactly where they'd seen this scenario before...
"From the table... in the corner... they could see a world reborn. And they rose with voices ringing... and I can hear... them now! The very words that they had sung... became their last communion... on the lonely barricade... at dawn... Oh my friends my friends forgive me... that I live and you are gone... there's a grief that can't be spoken... there's a pain goes on and on... Phantom faces at the window! Phantom shadows on the floor! Empty chairs at empty tables... where my friends will meet... no more! Oh my friends... my friends... don't ask me... what your sacrifice was for... Empty chairs at empty tables... where my friends will sing... no more..."
Justin gaped. "That was-"
I nodded. "You're right. I wrote that story. I can't believe that you liked it though. I write like shit."
"Like hell you do!" Justin argued vehemently. "That was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read!"
"Yeah," Joey added. "It had a really great originality to it."
"You weren't upset that you were bi?" I asked, amazed.
He shook his head. "It's been done before. I wasn't overly concerned by it."
"Besides," Lance added, "after reading it, I bought some of the CDs to those plays. I have new favorite songs because of it. That was one of 'em, and you did it really well."
I looked at Lance. "Thanks," I said gratefully. "You weren't mad at playing the bad guy?"
He shrugged. "It was kinda cool. Besides, we worked it out in the end, didn't we?"
I couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, I guess we did." I looked at them strangely. "Did you ALL read it?"
JC smiled. "Justin told us how good it was. I, for one, agreed with him."
I blushed again. I couldn't believe that these guys were taking it so well!
"And I thought that scene in my room in Part 9 was so romantic!"
I groaned.
"What's wrong, Ryan?" Chris asked, concerned.
"Nothing. It's just that writing that part made me cry. You HAD to mention it?!"
They all laughed.
"You sing well," Joey mentioned. "You could use some formal training, though."
"I know," I admitted. "It's just been hard-you know, with college and stuff."
"Yeah. We understand."
"So what key do you sing in?" JC asked, partially to keep the conversation going.
"I'm not sure. I haven't had any real training, so I don't exactly know. I know songs I can sing and songs I can't."
"Do you know your range?" Lance asked.
"Uh, yeah. Lemme think for a second. E below middle C and then up two more octaves or so. So I guess almost three full octaves. Something like that." They stared at me. "But that's using falsetto. I don't know exactly how high I go without it-I think just one octave above middle C."
I already knew their ranges, so I didn't bother to ask that question back. "So, how many more stops do you have on the tour before you go back to Orlando?"
"A lot," Justin answered glumly. "Don't get me wrong, I love what we're doing, but I still get homesick every now and then."
I nodded gently. "I understand."
"But we'll be done by the end of May," JC told me.
"Whoa! That's a long trip. How do you do it?"
"One day at a time," he answered. "One day at a time."
We bummed around on the comfortable couches and watched some TV and listened to music for a good couple of hours before I realized how late it was. "Uh, guys," I began, "I think I should get going. You've got to be tired, and I know I'm beat. I never thought I'd get to meet you all like this! It was so cool, I can't thank you enough!"
Lance rose first and shook my hand. "It was nothing. We really loved having a fan who's able to talk with us in a real voice, and have a real conversation with. There just don't seem to be enough of them."
I smiled. "LANCE TOUCHED ME!" I screamed, much to everyone's surprise. "AIEEE!" We all laughed and they got up to show me to the door.
"Wait! Ryan," Justin called. "Is there any way we can get back in touch with you?"
I reached into my large pocket and took out a 5"x7" poster board that I always kept on me, just in case. On it was my modeling portfolio-complete with pictures, phone number, e-mail and clothes sizes. I blushed and handed it to Justin. "Ignore the pictures. They're for prospective producers who want to hire me. But the phone number and e-mail are all fine."
Justin stared at it. "You're a model?" He asked in surprise.
"Weird, isn't it?" I asked with aplomb. "I didn't really think I'm all that good at it, but I've had a couple of jobs. Not many, but it's some spending money, and in college, I always need money."
Joey fetched a pen and paper to write the information down. "Keep it," I told them. "I've got tons of 'em, and who knows? Maybe someone important will see it and want to hire me." I stressed the word "important." They laughed again. "Thanks again guys."
"Hold on, Ryan." Lance called. -What IS this?-I thought. He handed me a free copy of their newest single signed by each of them. "Don't want you to forget this."
"Whoa. Thanks, Lance. Really." He smiled.
"You're welcome."
I left and came back to my dorm. I stripped down for bed and thought-This was too cool to be true.-
That's it for part one. I hope you all enjoyed the story.