Yeah Okay. I seriously suck. I would be SO pissed to have to wait so long for a chapter, but I guess all I have to say is that the past few months has been...distracting. Starting uni, learning interesting things about someone who screwed with my head, going though so many theories. But I think I'm okay now, I think that I've come to my conclusions and that that will help me write. Because before, almost every day something would happen that would make me confused again, in regards to how I felt about relationships and whatever. But I think that now I can maybe write something richer due to what I've learned and experienced. This won't be just a story now but hopefully something people can identify with and maybe even learn from, and if my theories have some huge holes in them that I haven't seen then, maybe I can learn from readers that want to write to me in response, which I'd love. So I hope you guys forgive me for taking so long, but I think the story could be better now, and I hope that my style improves as well cause frankly, I wasn't too happy with it. But to those of you who are still reading this story. Thanks for waiting and I myself hope that I won't take this long again.
And I'm going to try to keep details proper but if I mess up a few things, please let me know. For some stupid reason I'm one of those ppl that can't read over my own writing for shit--which is probably why my English mark could be much better. It's been a long time though so please....try and be a little understanding if I mess anything up. Personality and the character development of Damien, however, is something that I think I'm keeping pretty consistent because well...a lot of it is based on me. However, I totally understand if it doesn't seem consistent, and there might be times when it doesn't seem like he's the same person but he IS. Theres many facets to ppl, and they act very differently in different situations and there are reasons for why they do so (or at least I do), but if you want to talk to me about it cause it bothers you or just want to write me for no reason at all I would love it. Morijane3004@yahoo.ca
Chapter 7
I was numb. My body was sunken into the mattress that I had laid in for around 20 hours. I was hungry, but too exhausted to move.
I hated this. I hated how easily I cried. It was never like this before. Before HIM. Everything seemed to hurt me now, if I let it. There were some things I had learned that didn't deserve emotional involvement. I rarely if ever got mad anymore, actually felt rage inside of me. It was always an act. Everything seemed like an act now. Except for when it had to do with love.
I had never been able to conquer that emotion. No matter how much pain it brought me, no matter how much energy it took away from me, even though I KNEW that it was so bad for me, my fight against it never resulted in a win. And I needed to win. It was such a volatile force that was too much of a threat. Maybe other people could be taken by its force, ride it out and still be okay in the end. But I wasn't one of them. Nor was I immune to it. That was what was making my heart hurt so much right now. Well that, and that I was pretty sure I was clinically depressed. What I hated most about that was how uncontrollably emotional I was prone to becoming at the most random times when my thoughts would drift towards thoughts of love.
Not just romantic love, but just love. Any form, the lack of it, the consequences, what it meant, what it didn't.
David was someone I loved. I knew that for sure and I had for years now. What I didn't know was what kind of love it was. I loved the person he was, I loved that he appreciated me, was there for me, was so incredible in so many ways. But was I in love with him? I didn't want to be. I wasn't sure yet how I felt about love. Whether or not I wanted to experience it, regardless that I'd end up pained, or if it would be smarter to just live life without romantic love and limiting the number of other loves in my life so that my life would still be full but without that pain.
Until I knew for sure I didn't want to be involved in anything that might result in my emotions getting out of hand. It wasn't safe for that to happen. Especially with David. He meant too much for me to lose. And I knew I was stupid enough to hurt him too if I were to be involved with him. Fuck, I had already hurt him. And we weren't even involved! Not to mention he might not be gay, which frankly I was starting to doubt. Even I wasn't that stupid. He really seemed to care about me a lot, more than just a friend. And the more I thought about it the more evidence I was finding from the past.
Alex wasn't the first guy I've been with that he seemed to hate. Well, I was never really with Alex, but still. But all the others he just hated. He would say that they weren't good enough for me or that there was just something weird about them whenever I would confront him about how cold he was to them. But I always took that for overprotectiveness. After all, he was there during the "Brian-fuckiness" period. He knew what happened and how messed up I had become. He didn't want them to hurt me, but could it also have been more? He HAD been unusually hostile to Brian when he had found out that we'd become involved. He had been fine with him before, when all Brian had been was Kat's cousin. Granted he hadn't thought of Brian as more than an acquaintance, but he had tolerated him. It was too much to hope that maybe David's initial hate had been spurred by some kind of affection for me.
Not that I really wanted that to be the case. Or actually I didn't know what I wanted the truth to be. I needed time to sort it all out. But I couldn't be that selfish, because David was being hurt. Decisions could wait. I had an apology to make that I wasn't even really sure was appropriate. I wasn't really out of line, but David was obviously angry...and it was David so there had to be a reason. But I wanted to hear it before I apologized so that I could know what I was apologizing for. I mean sure, I knew that David for some unknown reason just started hating Alex, but they had used to be pretty tight from what I could tell, so I knew Alex couldn't be that bad a person. And he shouldn't take it out on me. I asked, and he told me to forget it. I had seriously just assumed that they'd get over whatever they were fighting about. Apparently that wasn't the case.
When it came down to it though, I would give up any possibility with Alex for David.
Sighing, I got up. Lying down all day wouldn't help depression.
Hopefully David would have calmed down by now.
He shut the door in my face. He fucking shut the fucking door in my fucking face. And locked it.
And his was right after he shoved me out of his room.
All of my shocked anger dissolved when I finally registered the sad expression that had been on his face when I'd walked in. The music had been so loud he hadn't heard me knocking and his mother didn't seem to think anything was wrong between them when she had opened the front door to let him in. She instead smiled warmly at me and told me to run along and see him, and if possible get him to turn his music down a bit. So naturally, I assumed things were okay, cause his mom is one of those freakily intuitive people that can tell when your sad even when you're putting up a front worthy of an oscar. She would have known if Dave was upset...unless she didn't know that it had to do with me.
He had looked so incredibly sad. And I was responsible for that. I'm not fucking worthless--I'm harmful. Fuck.
I leaned back on the wall opposite to his door, and closed my eyes. I stayed there for a moment, before I decided that if I was going to make things okay, I would have to be a little more aggressive about getting into his room and talking.
My hand was raised to knock again when he swung open the door. This time, his face was a blank slate. What was he trying to play? Another day, another person, I might have been willing to join the game, but this was David, and I was in no mood for this shit.
"If I try to come in, are you going to play nice?" I asked a little icily.
I decided not to wait for an answer, and instead prevented any kind of retaliation by shoving him further into the room and onto the bed. Yes I know. Just a few minutes ago I was sad. I'm a complicated human being with lots of mood swings. Not a lot of people could keep up with me when they got closer to me and started to get to know the me that wasn't the me that acted cool and collected--basically emotionally monotone--around most people. However, David was one of the people that did understand me. And I wasn't about to let him go. And if he wanted to play games with me, misery could wait until I had more control of the situation. Which I think was beginning to happen due to his stunned expression. Good.
"Now. Care to tell me why you were so angry last night? And why you just locked me out of your room just now? And why the hell you looked so sad before?" He knew how I felt about depression.
He opened his mouth but I cut him off before he could say anything.
"And don't tell me that it's "nothing" and "not to worry about it" cause I know you and I know your stupid excuses and they are becoming more and more frequent and it's beginning to piss me off. I don't like that I hurt you and I know that I did `cause that's the only reason that you would act like that. And I want to apologize only I don't know what the fuck I did wrong. So tell me the truth." I was nearly yelling by this point, but I calmed myself down and added softly, "Please."
He looked down at his hands for a while. Just when I was about to inform him that I was not going to leave without an explanation he exhaled heavily and lifted his gaze to meet mine. And I was floored by how beautiful he looked then. But then I felt my heart sink as I saw how tired he seemed. Not physically but something else. And it hurt so bad.
"D...I'm the one who should apologize. I really don't know why I was so mad, and I don't know...I've just been feeling really...and you took me kind of by surprise when you came in. I'm okay just kinda tired. I'll get over it."
He said all this slowly, like he wasn't sure what to say. He didn't. I didn't get a proper answer to any of my questions in all that. And I knew that I wouldn't get one. At least not today.
I got up, resigned. I looked at him for a minute before I walked over to the door. I paused, my hand resting on the open door's handle before saying, "I hope you don't think this is over. I'm not an idiot, and I can see that you aren't okay. And I know you know why you're feeling this way, and while I respect your privacy and everything, I don't appreciate being lied to. We were fine until last night. I just want for you to be okay, and for us to be okay. Out of everyone in the world, I can't stand not being friends with you. I know its only been a day but I want this over. My parents aren't going to be back until late tonight. So if you want to come over and deal with this..."
I closed the door firmly behind me.
When it reached 8pm I finally gave up waiting. I was starting to get a little more than irritated with the fucker. I grabbed my coat, an umbrella and the keys before I strode out of the house. Mumbling under my breath about stupid morons I started walking the five blocks to his house. It was pouring rain so hard that the smacking noises being made on my umbrella were starting to give me a headache. It was pretty hard to make anything out besides the light given off by the few streetlights adorning the night sky. Which was why I ended up walking into something big and hard. I quickly realized that no, I wasn't stupid enough to walk into a pole, when I found a very soaked person sprawled on the sidewalk.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Here," I offered my hand.
He looked at it then looked up at my face. I sucked in a breath.
"You stupid fucking moron! What the fuck are you doing walking outside without an umbrella or a raincoat? You're fucking soaked thin!" When I was finished yelling at him, I realized that he must have been walking over to see me--which made me very happy. But then I frowned. Stupid fucker was going to get sick.
I grabbed his hand, hauled him up next to me, under my umbrella, clutched his hand tightly and started pulling him along with me as I ran back towards my house. I fumbled with the key a bit since I was using my left hand to open the lock, since my hand was still firmly clasped in his freezing hand.
"You have a car," I stated bluntly once we were safely inside.
"My dad's broke down yesterday. He's using mine."
I absorbed this quietly. He had walked here in the pouring rain. Without anything to keep him warm and dry. I didn't know whether to be pleased that he really wanted to see me, or angry that he was just that stupid. So I chose to be neutral.
"Come on, let's go downstairs."
His wet clothes were making puddles in the hallway but I didn't care. I could get him out of them downstairs.
"Here, give me your clothes and I'll put them in the dryer." I didn't turn to look at whether or not he was complying. Instead I went into my room and told him to hop in the shower and that I would get him some dry clothes in the meantime.
I heard the shower turn on while I got out some boxers, a t-shirt, a hoodie, sweatpants and some socks. I wanted him to be bundled up nice and warm.
I left the clothes in a pile outside the bathroom door, and decided to wait for him in my bed. I was drifting off when the phone rang. I groaned. I had left the portable just out of my reach. Then I remembered that I had gotten an answering machine for my phone line, and happily settled back in my warm cocoon.
"BEEP."
"Hey Damien....It's Alex."
I shot up out of bed. All I could think was that David was here, and why was Alex calling me, and that I couldn't let David hear or else he'd get so mad. And wait. How the hell did Alex get the number to my personal line?
"...just wondering how you're doing, and if you want a ride to school tomorr..."
Shit. It took me forever to find that volume slide.
Shit. The shower wasn't still running.
"Was that Alex?" he said it softly from behind me, but it still made me jump.
Fuck. I closed my eyes and turned around slowly.
"Yeah it was...Look I don't even know how he got my num--AH" I yelped. He was standing right in front of me. Six inches away. I started breathing faster.
"I don't even like him."
He still wasn't saying anything. He just looked at me very intensely and it was beginning to make me nervous. The pitch of my voice started to rise.
"He doesn't matter to me. He kissed me!"
The muscle in his jaw started to tick at that, and my mind scrambled to think of something to say to calm him down. He was really starting to scare me. Oh!
"I--"
Couldn't even finish that sentence. David lunged at me with a primal growl, making me fall back onto the bed and he climbed up on top of me to rest on my stomach. He was only wearing the boxers.
"Dav--"
He shut me up again. This time he kissed me.
He attacked my lips with his lips and his tongue. I gasped and he thrust his tongue into my open mouth and against my own. I moaned. He was so, so sweet. I wanted to taste more. I wrapped my arms around him and plunged my tongue into his mouth but before I could explore too far, he sucked on it hard, and I groaned and thrust my hips upwards.
He drew his mouth wetly across my jaw, as he slipped a finger into my mouth to suck. He lifted off briefly to rid my of my shirt before quickly latching onto my neck, marking me, making me gasp for air. He started grinding and humping into my abs, as I ran my hands down his back grasping his tight, round ass pulling him closer to me as I kneaded.
Fuck. I needed him so fucking bad. I gripped him ass through his boxers, shoving my finger tips into his tight crack, brushing his hole and felt the shock go through his body. But he didn't stop. He grinded even harder into me, clenching his butt cheeks together as though to prevent my fingers from leaving. God he was making me so hot. I could feel his hard cock against me, the heat burning me. Fuck and now he had my right nipple in his mouth, sucking on it insistently. It was going straight through to my cock that was reminding me that it was trapped painfully under my jeans.
I moved one hand down to my pants to unzip them but he beat me to it. He slid down my body, still pressing his cock into me, and I gasped as I felt it drag over mine, until he was sitting on my thighs. He roughly yanked down the zipper and I swear his eyes were glowing. He slid off of me and the bed, but I wasn't worried, not when he was looking at me like he wanted to devour me whole. He grabbed my jeans and yanked them off of me.
He smiled slowly as he this time reached for my boxers, this time letting his palm brush me lightly. I groaned his name and pumped my hips into the air, but he ignored me and waited for me to settle before lifting my boxers up and off me. I was naked and panting under his intense stare.
He stood there just looking at me, before he lowered a hand down his abs and unto his own boxers grasping his cock in his hand before jacking it slowly hidden from my view. I couldn't breathe. I should be doing that to him!
I started to sit up but he stopped and instead grabbed my legs and spread them open enough for him to crawl in between. He eyed my cock intently as his mouth neared it. He was so close I could feel every breath on me. I so badly wanted to shove my cock into his mouth but something told me that he was in control. I slammed my head back on the pillow in frustration, fisting my hands as I fought not to shudder as I felt another hot breath.
I screamed as I felt a hot wet tongue run languidly over my inner thigh, and clenched my hands so tight they were white. It lifted and I tried to breath in my now short choppy breaths before I felt it again and I was cut off by a low moan leaving my throat. This was torture for me. I needed to feel his mouth on my cock so damn bad.
And I did. At the same slow pace, he licked up the underside from the base to the tip. Before swallowing the head in his mouth, flicking the tip with his tongue repeatedly as he sucked.
I lost control. I grabbed his head, fingers shifting through softy silky hair, holding him there before thrusting up into his mouth. I only got halfway into that hot, moist tunnel when he placed his hands on my hips and slammed me back down onto the bed. Then he removed my hands from his hair and grasped each in one of his own pinning them to the mattress, before resuming his tongue work on my dick.
After a moment, however, he seemed to think that that was enough, and he moved forward to kiss me. I could tell that he enjoyed the shudders that went through my body as my cock dragged across his moving chest, leaving a trail of precum behind.
He kissed me hotly before getting off me completely. Before I could protest, he was facing away from me, taking off his own boxers and my eyes riveted on every inch of skin as it was revealed. Oh shit that ass was so tight. Two perfect globes that I couldn't wait to get in between. He turned around and I gasped. His cock was so perfect. He was big, with a long straight shaft that was nice and thick, with a mushroom tip.
I licked my lips slowly. I wanted that cock so bad.
He was on top of me again, sitting on my upper thighs as he rested his upper body on mine and ground our naked cocks slick with precum, together. I grabbed his ass and took control humping into him, and this time he didn't protest. I was dying to feel his ass against my cock so I pulled his body further up my chest, until my cock was free from under him. I took hold of his thighs, pulling them towards our chests as well, so that now my cock could rest in between his cheeks.
We moaned together as I gripped his ass cheeks in my hands and moved his ass up and down my cock, loving the feeling of his asshole rubbing against my cock.
It took all my willpower not to shove my cock up his ass when he reached back behind him, wrapped his hand around my cock and pointed the dripping tip at his quivering hole.
Then he leaned down and whispered the sexiest thing I've ever heard into my ear.
"Oh God, Damien. I've wanted to feel your cock in me for so long. I've dreamt about you taking my ass so fucking hard and fast from behind, like an animal as you bite my neck and work my cock. Do you want it, D? Do you want me to take your cock in my tight, hot ass and fuck you until we both scream?"
I was mindless. I needed to be in him so bad I was shaking.
I grabbed his hips and began to thrust up--
"Damien, honey, we're home!"
FUCK. Every part of me was screaming, "NO!!".
We froze, but our bodies were still shaking with desire and frustration. But we couldn't do anything.
Finally he moved off of me to lie down beside me. We were still panting.
"Damien? Are you down there? Why is the floor so wet?"
I licked my lips a few times, and looked over at David.
`Answer her,' he mouthed.
I swallowed and yelled back, "Coming Mom."