Finding Yourself
By scass3254@aol.com
Charles Falco gripped the steering wheel tightly and watched the knuckles on his pudgy hands whiten as he powered out of a turn feeling the surge of the engine as he pressed his foot on the gas pedal. He heard the cries of fright and looked into the rear view mirror to see his wife's two aunts, Antoinette and Francesca, sitting there stiffly, their faces etched in fear and chalk white like the nuns that taught him as a kid going to parochial school.
Charlie, as everybody called him, was now fifty-four and feeling his age. He hunkered down into the leather seat and heard it creak under the weight of his body and listened to the "Old Black Widows" as he called them berating him for driving too fast. His wife chimed in for she adored her aunts and told Charlie that he wasn't an Indianapolis racecar driver and to slow down.
Antoinette and Francesca were dressed in black from head to toe and constantly crossed themselves. Their rosary beads were always out, their lips moving in silent prayer. They wore not a lick of makeup on their faces; not that it would do much good as they were both homely. Their long gray hair was piled atop their heads in a bun and hadn't seen a beauty parlor or been cut in years. Just once, Charlie would like to take tweezers to their faces to pluck out their chin hairs and the mustaches that lined their upper lips.
He rubbed his meaty hand across his broad nose and then nervously brushed his mustache and goatee with his fingers. Although the goatee made him looked older, he wore it to annoy his wife who hated it. He also wore it because it hid the jowls and double chin that were beginning to appear with age. Charlie was beefy with a large belly and a fleshy chest.
He looked at Anna, his wife sitting there stiffly, staring straight ahead, her eyes fixed on the road. Never once in twenty-five years of marriage had she reached over and kissed him on the cheek or put her hand on his knee as he drove. He snickered wondered what the two witches in the back would think if she did it now. Anna would have to do penance for a month.
It was going to be a long day and he rolled his large brown eyes as he listened to their nonstop chatter. There wasn't a day that passed that these two ladies didn't go to church. They were always making Novenas, lighting candles, going to confession, and for what reason Charlie wondered? What sins had they committed? What impure thoughts had Antoinette or Francesca ever had? Their entertainment was making him and everybody they came in contact with miserable. They droned on in the back seat arguing about some grievous event that took place a century ago. It was always the same argument and he looked at his wife who sat there and made a face at him to not utter a word and just keeps his eyes on the road ahead.
Driving was treacherous with the sleet and rain. It was going to be long drive to Anna's cousin's house in Brooklyn where they always had Thanksgiving dinner. Charlie tried every trick he knew to get out of going every year, for not only was Marie and her family boring, but Marie was a terrible cook. The mere thought of her greasy stuffing and the dried out turkey made him glad that he had brought along an extra supply of his antacids. Pity the poor individual who asked for another martini or Scotch in this house, for this was a non-drinking family who chain-smoked and gossiped about everyone and everything.
Thanksgiving was a festive season, a time for family and friends to get together and be thankful? Thankful for what Charlie thought? Business was lousy, and these two crows in the back were going to drive him crazy and the trip had just begun.
He had this churning feeling in the pit of his stomach that had persisted for the last few months. He knew it wasn't an ulcer but this gnawing anxiousness was making him unhappy. His wife noticed that he was otherwise engaged. She complained about his moodiness and that he was distant and aloof. They fought constantly and he picked arguments just so he could storm out of the house for hours on end so he could be alone. The situation in the house was tense and he knew that he was to blame. Whenever his wife asked what was wrong, he clammed up and shrugged; claiming that business was bad, the economy was lousy and that people weren't paying their bills.
He listened to the whoosh of the windshield wipers and knew that Anna, his wife of twenty-five years was a good woman. His anxieties were his problem and he had to address it soon and not put it on the back burner hoping that whatever was troubling him would go away. He was smart enough to know that the feelings that he had been suppressing all these years were surfacing again like bubbles in the cheap champagne that his wife's cousin would soon serve with a cube of sugar. He felt cold in the car and turned up the heat. Sitting there he felt trapped and alone.
Maybe it had to do with the web? He knew it had changed his life much to the consternation of his wife.
"You spend more time in that computer room then you do with me," his wife often harangued him, before he started an argument that ended when he shut the door and locked it.
It was her constant complaint, but with a smile he replied, "Honey, that new car that you're driving is because of that computer. I do my business on it. It puts the bread on the table and clothes on your back." Charlie owned a construction company and occasionally did a spread sheet at home. The real use of the computer was to meet men like himself; married, and unhappy and for the most part looking for a sexual outlet.
Driving through the streets of Bensonhurst was a trip down memory lane for him. The changes in the old neighborhood from year to year were dramatic. Now, stalls of exotic fruits and vegetables spilled onto the crowded street as hawkers like carnival barkers cried out the specials of the day with an energy level that Charlie wished he had. It reminded Charlie of going to Orchard Street as a kid to shop with his mother and aunts.
Neon signs hung in the store windows that were once owned by Italian and Jewish immigrants now blinked on and off in foreign languages. Old ladies still pushed their carts and dogs ran off the lease as he stopped for a light. The sound of the elevated train as it rumbled into the station reminded Charlie of him rushing up those flights of the stairs two at a time to catch the train so he wouldn't be late for school. It all came rushing back. Now, Chinese and Russian families owned the homes on the tree-lined streets and the Christmas lights and trees that once decorated the neighborhood when he was growing up, were gone. Yes, he thought, the old neighborhood had changed as he pulled into his wife's cousin's driveway.
Marie, Anna's cousin invited the same people every year except this year there was an older man around sixty-two that Charlie had never seen before. He stood talking to Tony, Marie's husband. The stranger was tall and trim and nicely dressed in gray wool trousers. His shirt was unbuttoned at the neck to reveal tufts of gray hairs that peeked through. His silver hair was stylishly cut and his eyes were like chunks of onyx. Although, his nose was large, it added masculinity to his face. He was a handsome man and maybe this day wouldn't be so boring after-all.
Charlie liked his Martini's very dry and had to make them himself as nobody in this household knew the difference between dry and sweet vermouth.
"Is that a martini, I see you making," a deep masculine voice said and Charlie looked up to see the mystery guest.
"It sure is. Want one?"
"I would love one, dry with no fruit."
"Charlie laughed. "You won't find an olive, lemon peel or an onion if you were dying for a Gibson in this house. Trust me on that. We're lucky they have Vodka. I brought the dry vermouth because I got tired of drinking sweet vermouth in my martinis. Sticking his chubby hand out he said. I'm Charlie Falco."
"The infamous Charles Falco," the man said with a smile. Charlie noticed his clean-shaven face and the beauty mark at the corner of his mouth. "My name is Alan Hoffman. This is my first time here. I work with Tony."
"Lucky you," Charlie said with sarcasm in his voice.
"Is that sarcasm, I detect. Is it for being here the first time or working with Tony?"
"The man is smart." Charlie thought as he sipped his drink. "A couple of these babies and you might enjoy the food but don't say that I said that." He handed Alan his drink. I'm family so I have to try and be nice. I don't always succeed.
"Here's to good food, good drink and good friends."
"I'll drink to that but if you need, I brought along extra antacids."
Alan howled with laughter and his laughter was infectious and they both roared and looked up to see Antoinette and Francesca staring at them with disdain as if being happy was a sin against God.
"Don't mind those two beauts. My wife's aunts and they would need a dozen martinis to loosen up their tight, skinny asses."
"Do you always speak your mind?"
"I try to."
"I find that very refreshing. Normally people never say what they mean but you do and I like that."
Charlie looked at Alan and felt the bulge in his pants straining against his jockey shorts. Alan was solid and in good shape. His cologne was subdued and masculine. His shoes were expensive and polished. There was no ring on his finger and on his wrist he wore an expensive watch.
They sat off in a corner and Charlie discovered that Alan was a corporate attorney specializing in taxes. Tony worked for him at the drug company.
"Tony's a good guy," Charlie said. "How he got mixed up with these losers amazes me?"
"You're also part of that family," Alan said with humor.
"Touché. You don't know how hard I try not to come every Thanksgiving, but for peace in the family I make the effort. Are you married?"
"No, I'm gay." He said it so matter of fact. "I had a partner but he passed away a few years ago." Tony knows my story. Does it bother you?"
"Not at all. I just wouldn't yell it out loud with this bunch or they might be jumping from the windows." He looked over at the aunts. "Those magpies would be crossing themselves and uncrossing themselves and sterilizing the silver if your gayness was to be known. The sad thing is that the parish priest that controls their lives is a homophobe." Charlie would love to know this Alan better but knew that he had to keep his distance. "Did you drive here?" Charlie changed the subject."
"No, I took a car service. I find it easier and cheaper living in Manhattan."
"I live out on Long Island but spend a good part of my time in the city. I own a construction company and travel from site to site checking out my jobs and how my men are working on them."
They were called to dinner and Charlie kept looking at Alan who smiled and ate everything on his plate although he never asked for seconds.
"Do you need that antacid now?" Charlie asked and Alan nodded his head yes. "Can I give you a lift home tonight? My wife and her aunts are staying for the weekend and I'm driving back in a little while."
"That would really be nice. I appreciate it if it's no trouble."
"None at all."
They drove through the darkened streets both lost in thought when Charlie spoke up.
"You asked if the fact that you're gay bothered me." He looked over at Alan and put his hand on Alan's knee and felt the warmth of his body against his fingers. It was a bold move for Charlie but Alan didn't flinch. "I've been married for twenty-five years and I now know that I've been gay all that time but not active. I guess I got married for the wrong reasons, family and peer pressure thinking that if I got married everything would change. This last year I've had had these feelings that seem to overwhelm me and I know it is my wanting to be with a man."
Alan took Charlie's hand and held it. He kissed his fingers gently and Charlie's penis sprang to life. "My partner, Rob, was married for twenty years when he just left his wife. He didn't have anybody but he knew that if he didn't split he would suffocate and die so I understand where you're coming from. Do you have to go home or can you come to my apartment where we can talk. I lived with a man that was also married and gay and I knew what he went through."
"I would love it."
Charlie was impressed with Alan Hoffman's duplex apartment on the West Side. For the first time in months he felt relaxed and at ease while talking to Alan who was very bright and insightful.
"What is it you want from your life Charlie?" Alan asked.
"I wish I knew. I do know that I'm unhappy living this lie, watching what I have to say, always on guard." He shrugged. "Sex with the wife is virtually non-existent and when it does happen, I have to take a blue diamond to get it up and then think about some man that I had seen or desired. Some life? Once, I asked the wife to blow me and she reacted like I killed the kids, which thankfully we don't have." Charlie laughed. "Not that she would be good at it. What do I want? You kissed my fingers in the car and my dick was like steel it was so stiff. Alan, I want a man and it's just not for sex. Do I love my wife? She's a good woman but love to me and what I want is," he hesitated. "Anna and I have different agendas. Would I leave her? I don't know. All I do know that is I'm unhappy and find you very hot. You may look at me simply as this heavy guy who is not the least attractive to you."
Alan reached out and unbuttoned the button on Charlie's shirt and then another one and then he slipped his hand inside feeling Charlie's beefy chest. Charlie had large nipples and Alan's fingers were like butterfly wings as he touched first one and then the other. Charlie sucked in air and moaned as Alan applied pressure with his forefinger and thumb and the nipples sprang to life.
Charlie threw his head back and sighed as Alan ran his hand down Charlie's body and he cried out when Alan's hands slipped down through his briefs and touched his cock.
"Let's get you comfortable," Alan said and helped Charlie off with his shirt. "I was attracted to you from the moment you entered Tony's house. I like my men with meat on their bones." Charlie was beefy but firm as Alan leaned over and kissed Charlie softly on the lips. It was done so tenderly that Charlie didn't move or react as Alan slid his tongue around Charlie's mouth. Alan's fingers were busy massaging Charlie's nipples and then suddenly Alan placed his hot mouth on the hardened nipple and began to suck.
"Oh, oh, my God" Charlie murmured never having his nipples sucked before. The sensation was incredible. His nipples were sensitive as Alan's mouth caressed, nipped, bit gently and sucked like a calf at its mother's utter. Charlie unbuttoned his belt and unzipped his pants and pulled them down as Alan sucked away on first one nipple and then the other as Alan's hands ran down Charlie's smooth belly. The tent in Charlie's jockey short was straining to get out and a big wet spot of pre cum made a ring on his Jockeys. Alan helped Charlie off with his pants and shoes, then led him into the bedroom and slowly took off Charlie's briefs admiring the nude Charlie who stood there unsure of what to do.
Alan undressed and grabbing Charley by his erection led him onto the king-sized bed. Alan got between Charlie's strong legs and spread them apart. His fingers were like fires against the inside of Charlie's thighs as he moved them towards his cock. Charlie almost levitated when Alan's tongue tasted the clear, thick liquid that was leaking from his cock. Alan's tongue moved around the head slowly and Charlie felt the goose flesh appear on his arms and neck as Alan's mouth sucked his throbbing dick.
"Kiss me please, Charlie begged knowing he would cum if Alan didn't stop.
"You're that hot aren't you?" Alan cooed and came up besides Charlie. Alan's body was hairy, his stomach flat and the man evidently exercised. He had an average sized penis that he rubbed against Charlie's muscular thigh. Alan's fingers moved slowly and up Charlie's inner thigh touching Charlie's balls lightly. They were large balls with fine hairs and Alan cupped them, held them and kissed one then the other lovingly. Then he moved up Charlie's body kissing his bellybutton and chest until his lips were pressed against Charlie mouth. He kissed Charlie. Now, the kiss was a long sensuous one as Alan's tongue probed the inside of Charlie's mouth. He placed himself on top of Charlie and smothered him with kisses and Charlie responded.
The heat of their togetherness had Charlie on edge. Alan's silky chest hairs were smooth to the touch as Charles hands were everywhere on Alan's body. Charlie wanted to taste Alan, to savor his love as Alan exploded greedily into his waiting mouth. Their fingers intertwined as they kissed. Charlie had never enjoyed this with his wife. Now, it was two men sharing and loving one another. The lust, the tenderness, the experimentation is what he sought and here in a stranger's arms he was finding it.
Charlie kissed Alan's small nipples that peeked through gray hairs and sucked on them and left a trail of saliva as he nestled his face in the soft pubic hairs of Alan's mound. He placed Alan's quivering cock into his mouth and began sucking. Charlie wanted to please and although inexperienced, he moved slowly at first tasting the sweetness and saltiness of Alan's cock. His tongue licked around the head and lingered on the ridge and down the shaft praying that he didn't gag. His mouth took more and more of Alan's cock into his mouth and began to suck. Alan touched Charlie's crew cut and called out his name, as Charlie was absorbed in pleasing Alan. Charlie's strong fingers moved back and forth against Alan's nipples and the thrill he felt as they began to harden made him feel that he was succeeding.
Alan began to fuck Charlie's mouth thrusting his hips and ass so his cock entered Charlie's waiting mouth. Charlie's lips were full and juicy as he awaited and felt the rigid cock as it slid in and out of his mouth that was now filled with saliva. He wrapped his thighs around Charlie's head crying out for Charlie to put his finger into his ass. Charlie had never put a finger into a man's ass but he did as he was instructed and felt it slide into Alan. Charlie felt the tightness and wetness as Alan danced on his finger as he fucked Charlie's mouth. Alan moaned and his body began to tremble. When he cried out, "Oh yes," Charlie was ready and Alan unleashed a load that filled Charlie's mouth. It was hard to describe the elation that Charlie felt. The warm liquid filled his mouth and it wasn't bitter, as he had expected but sweet. Charlie sucked until Alan went limp in his mouth. He had tasted Alan's load and wanted more. He lay next to Alan and stroked his hair and kissed him softly on the lips. Alan hugged and held Charlie.
Rain began to fall when Charlie awoke to find Alan between his legs and sucking slowly on his cock. Charlie loved the sensation as his cock became rigid in Alan's mouth. It was an incredible feeling to wake up and find that someone was sucking on your dick. It was something that Charlie had fantasized about and now it was happening to him. Charlie's eyes focused on Alan as he worked the head, shaft and balls. His hands rubbed Charlie's belly and tweaked his nipples as he sucked on his cock. It was more then Charlie could bear as he ground his rounded buns into the sheets and lifted his hips off the bed as Alan's mouth and tongue made love to his cock and balls. Charlie was desperate to cum but wanted what he was feeling at this instant to last forever. He wanted his cock in Alan's mouth for eternity as Alan made love to his instrument. Alan licked Charlie's balls and the perineum making Charlie cry out with joy. Alan's tongue moved back and forth and up and down and Charlie knew that he couldn't last. When Alan inserted his finger gently into Charlie's ass and moved it slowly as he sucked, Charlie knew that he was ready. Charlie played with his own hardened nipple as Alan sucked faster and faster and the feeling was incredible. It was party time and Charlie cried out, "here I cum and unleashed a load that hit the back of Alan's throat. Alan milked Charlie's cock until just a pearl appeared in the piss slit and he licked it with his tongue then swallowed it. He lay besides Charlie and held him and kissed him.
They didn't talk for there was no need for it. Charlie knew that he would see Alan again and the feelings that had surfaced would now be fulfilled again and again.