Finding Out Who I Am

By Writing About Josh

Published on Jun 28, 2018

Gay

--------------Chapter 4--------------------

Normal cautions apply up front. This story contains sexual content including some underage content that may be offensive. If you're offended by man to man sex, BDSM and other similar topics, this isn't the story for you. If you are underage in your area to read this, don't read it. There may be unsafe sex described in this story...be smart in the real world and make good choices.

Nifty Archive provides a great service and deserves to get your support. Donate...I did!

This story is a work of fiction and should not be taken to represent any real people. That being said, there were several "inspirations" for characters but I've tried to keep them different enough to protect the innocent and not so innocent.

I think this is probably the last "setup" chapter - following chapters should have your hands in your pants more. This isn't just a sex story, I enjoy the stories with more content and background. Give me feedback and suggestions at writingaboutjosh@yahoo.com

I sent this to Nifty for reposting to fix a character name issue with Jorge/Javier. The character was originally Javier in the first couple chapters but I started referring to him as Jorge in later chapters. Changing it here to Jorge for continuity sake. New writer here and still learning to keep track of character names. Apologies for any confusion.

After a torturous dinner watching everyone else enjoy one of my mom's awesome pasta dishes dripping with sauce and cheese while I ate grilled chicken and vegetables, which I pretended to enjoy after a couple looks from Eric, Eric and I hopped in his truck to go run errands for his gym.

The ride started off quietly. Eric was wearing athletic shorts and a tank top that fit him perfectly to show off the results of his time in the gym. I still had on the same thing as earlier minus the nipple clamps. Our first stop was a home improvement warehouse where Eric needed to pick up soil, mulch and other things to clean up the landscaping outside the gym. He went inside to get some smaller things and gave me the task of loading the bags of soil and mulch in the back of the truck by myself. When one of the employees offered to help, Eric told him that it wasn't needed and the workout would be good for me. By the time he came back out, I was about half done and dripping in sweat. He stood there and watched me for a few minutes and then told me to hurry up. All I could say was "yes sir" and tried to pick up the pace in the still humid and hot evening air.

Back in the truck, Eric tossed me a bottle of water and a towel from behind the seat and struck up a conversation.

"So, Josh, we need to talk. First off, whatever we talk about will always be between you and me unless we both agree to tell others or I think there's something that I have to tell someone about for your safety. I violated that rule with Thomas and Jorge and we can talk about why but those guys are the only ones.

It's been an interesting couple days for you. I'm wondering what's going through your your mind right now. What are you thinking and feeling? I'll do anything I can to help you be who you are and fulfill the needs you have but you need to be willing to be honest with me and, more importantly, yourself."

I sat there staring out the front window not sure what to say. I almost felt like Eric understood more about me than I understood myself.

"Look, Josh, you've got a choice here. You can hold it in and not talk about it and end up frustrated and confused. Or, you can trust me and talk to me about what you're feeling. I'm not here to judge you, I want to help you if I can" Eric said.

"I, I, I don't know why I'm having the feelings I'm having" I said. "Why do I like those toys? Why am I checking guys out? Why am I saying yes sir to you all the time?"

"Josh, there are no perfect answers to those questions but I can let you in on some things. In life, among men, and women actually, there are usually alphas, the guys in charge who people want to follow. Then there are the guys in the middle who don't really come off as alpha but they aren't submissive. And there are guys who are submissive by nature. Now, where and how guys are alphas or submissives can be different. Some guys can be passive and easy going publically and total dominant alphas behind closed doors and vice versa. Does that make sense?"

"I guess so" I said. "I never really thought about it until recently" I said.

"There's nothing wrong with being either" Eric said. "The world needs alphas and subs, kind of a ying and yang thing. The trick is to figure out which one you are and when you are each one. If you try to deny who you are or try to be someone you're not, it doesn't work. You won't like it and neither will others around you. Do you have any feelings about who you think you are becoming?"

"Well, I guess I always saw myself similar to dad, an alpha I guess, but, lately, I find myself admiring other men, saying yes sir to you and other men and sort of being turned on by following direction" I said. "But I'm no pussy fag!" I quickly followed up with.

"Nobody is saying you're a pussy or a fag" Eric said shaking his head. "A pussy is someone who lets things happen that he doesn't want to happen because he's weak and scared. Being submissive is about knowing who you are and playing your role in life. Submissive guys want alphas to control and lead them but the trick is, they don't really give up control. Let's use an example, what would you do if you felt like I was not treating your mom and sister right, taking advantage of and maybe abusing your mom. Not that I am by the way, your mom and I are great and you can ask her yourself. But what would you do?"

"I'd stand up to you and make it stop and probably get physical if I had to" I said.

"Good, see, that's not being a pussy. You're a man and you take care of what you're responsible for and don't let people push you and your family around. And, by the way, if you ever let someone treat you or your family badly and don't stand up to them, I'll kick your ass. As far as being a fag, I don't like that word since it's used as a slur. If you're gay or bi, that's just who you are and the way you're wired. As we've discussed before, this town is not a place where you can easily be too open about that but that doesn't change who you are and what turns you on. As you discovered in the showers this morning, sex with females is not the only thing that feels good."

I looked at Eric in shock.

"Yes, Thomas told me, he didn't realize it was you and was worried that you'd report him since you're a minor. That being said, he definitely enjoyed it and thought you did as well."

"Yes" I said. "I definitely enjoyed it and I'd never report Thomas or anything. I may be underage technically but I definitely was willing."

"Good, I told him I didn't think he should be worried and, I'd suggest that tomorrow you find a few minutes to discreetly tell him that things are cool. You don't need to go into more detail, just let him know it's cool."

"I definitely will" I said.

"Now about the clamps and your reaction in the kitchen this afternoon. Seems like you might have discovered that pain can be pleasurable. Some people really get into it and are sometimes referred to as pain sluts. All slut means there is that they're into it and enjoy it a lot. That's ok and you should continue to explore it. You might be a masochist. Do you know what that means?"

"If I remember my SAT words right, it's someone who seems to enjoy unpleasant things."

"Yes but I'd say a true masochist doesn't just seem to enjoy, they get off on it. And it's not unpleasant to them. It's all a matter of perspective. Just like alphas and subs, there are sadists, people who get off on inflicting pain, and masochists. Now, this is where we need to have a serious conversation about you being safe. I know you know the birds and the bees and the safe sex talk but that just applies to dicks and pussies and things like that. If you're feeling masochist tendencies and decide to explore them further, you should but you should also be smart and safe about it. Hell you might also decide to play sadist sometimes, lots of people switch. A proper sadist and masochist relationship is one where the sadist controls and inflicts pain and suffering on the masochist because the masochist wants it and enjoys it. They fulfill each other's needs. But the sadist also has a responsibility for the safety of the masochist, especially if the masochist gets to the point where they give up control to the sadist, which can be a big part of the thrill. If you decide to go further and engage in that type of play with someone, remember, you might be submissive or masochistic but you are still in control and have a right to be safe. Both people may have limits and you need to set them up front and they must be respected. Most S&M play also uses safe words as a way to stop the action if it gets too much for someone. A safe word is something you wouldn't normally say in the course of playing. If you say `stop, stop' that might just be part of the scene but if you establish a safe word like red, or popsicle or something totally out of the scene, that's a clear signal that something's not ok and the action needs to stop until you figure out it. Before a masochist gives up too much control, they must make sure they trust the sadist to respect these boundaries."

I must have looked like I was going to pass out because Eric paused, pulled the car into a parking lot, turned to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Look, Josh, I don't want to overwhelm you here but, as you can tell, I have some knowledge around this area and I feel responsible to make sure you are safe and also can explore who you really are."

"Do you play like this?" I asked.

"I have and I've swung the bat from both sides of the plate gender wise and role wise. But, since your mom and I have been dating, I only am with her. If that was going to change, she and I would discuss it and agree to how it might work. Frankly, I'm starting to have some strong feelings for your mom and I don't want to fuck that up. As you can tell from the things in our room, your mom and I enjoy some things beyond missionary style and you need to know, your mom consents and always is in control of what happens. We respect each other and communicate about what's right for us together" Eric said. "And one more thing and then we stop talking about your mom and me, remember how I said some guys are alpha in public but might be submissive behind closed doors...well, let's just say you and your sister aren't the only ones in the house your mom has spanked" Eric said with a devious grin as he put the truck in gear and resumed our drive home.

"Josh" Eric said quietly "like I said to you yesterday at the diner, I've known lots of guys who didn't figure out who they were and what they wanted and they regretted it. Hell, I struggled with it for a while myself but I had a family friend who recognized in me some of what I have seen in you and we had some similar conversations. This is between you and me, and, like I said, Jorge and Thomas. I clued them in because they both have, in my view, figured out who they are and how to maintain their wants and needs and live in this town. I want you to have more than just me to talk to about this and I trust both of them totally."

By this time we were pulling up our street and were almost to our driveway.

"Now, one last thing, we can have conversations like this here but, I'm going to continue to be the alpha dominant guy with you. I think the last couple days have been good for you and it'll help you continue to become a better man. When you need to talk or I think we need to talk, we can do that privately. Do you have a problem with that boy?" Eric said in a more stern and loud voice.

"No sir" I said with more energy than ever before.

"Good, now get your ass cleaned up and hit the sack. I suspect you might take advantage of my gift from earlier today and release some tension but get to sleep quick, 3:45 will come awfully early tomorrow morning. I assume you understand you will be doing the same thing as yesterday. I'll leave the protein shake in the fridge since I'm going to sleep in. If I find out you didn't do exactly as I expected, there'll be hell to pay."

"Yes sir" I said and got out of the truck.

The rest of the summer passed pretty much the same. I was getting into the routine of getting up early, getting a run in, doing my work at the gym and going through my abusive workout with Austin. Eric kept me on a strict diet regimen with more calories as I developed since muscle burns calories faster. My body was already responding with my waist slimming down more, my pecs building up more, my ass getting more round and firm and my abs really getting defined. My arms were bulking up nicely and I was starting to really notice my t-shirt sleeves straining to contain my guns. Through it all, Austin never said anything positive and criticized me, pushed me harder and made me suffer. I loved it.

And I definitely made extra sure that each soap dispenser in the shower was working properly. I even started lubricating the track the shelves slide on to make sure they were quiet. Thomas and I got into a routine of meeting in the morning in the shower and, after some time, he wasn't the only one swallowing an extra dose of protein.

During my days off, nothing changed except I didn't work the locker room duty. I still was up at 3:45, got a run in to the gym, showered and got dressed there. I'd hang out until Eric arrived and he'd let me use his truck to go catch up with friends, hit the beach and pool and generally do what guys do during the summer. I started to discover some of the other guys in the `underground' of the town and began to explore some new activities but it stayed pretty tame through the summer except for the clamps which got plenty of work before I went to sleep each night.

On my last day off before school started, I got back to the gym in the afternoon and dropped by Eric's office to give him back the keys to the truck.

"Keep them" he said.

"Oh, I get my own set of keys to your truck now?" I asked. "That's pretty cool Sir."

"Not quite" he said. I just bought a new truck and we'll pick it up on the way home today. The truck you're holding the keys to is now yours. You've manned up this summer and taken what I dished out. You haven't whined about Austin's abusive workouts and you've done right by your family. I believe in rewarding things like that."

"Eric, I, I, I don't know what to say" I stammered as I almost felt like I was going to tear up.

"Come here man" Eric said as he pulled me into a man hug. "Always, always, always, be who you are" he said quietly in my ear. "And know that I'm always here for you."

"I will" I said. "Thank you Sir"

Next: Chapter 5


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