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Finding Myself Within Eric-Chapter 6
The ride to school was very quiet. I guess neither of us wanted to say anything after all that happened this morning. I was trying my best not to think about it. My head was full of clouds, both good and bad and I felt not thinking was the best option. I pulled into the parking lot, expecting everyone to be starting at me, but they didn't. I guess I was back in a world where I was invisible.
"Are you ok?"
His question startled me. I didn't realize even that he was still in the car.
"Yeah, just tying not to think but I don't think it's going that well."
He laughed lightly and it seemed to be a musical tone in his voice.
"Well, if you must think, think about me."
I didn't want to tell him that thinking about him was not an option if I wanted to stay sane. I just smiled weakly and he gave me a quick peck on the cheek.
"We better get to class before we are late."
He got out of the car quickly, not waiting for me to respond and started to walk slowly to the front entrance. I wanted to turn around and go home. I knew my head wasn't going to hold up on me today. But he looked at me impatiently and how could I deny the look on his face. Reluctantly I got out of the car and walked towards him.
I put a bit of space between us and he seemed to notice with a sad look on his face. As we headed to the door a bunch of the baseball team surrounded him whisking him away from me. Ignoring me all together. He turned around and waved bye to me, but then his attention was quickly pulled back towards baseball.
"Ugh."
I said to myself feeling a bit of jealousy and I have never been jealous of anyone. I slowly walked to class keeping my eye on the door wanting badly to make a run for it but before I knew what my legs were doing, I was already at my first class.
The first half of my day dragged on. Maybe it was just cause it was a Monday. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all and was overly thankful for a lunch break. Though I never ate lunch, sometimes sitting under a tree near the forest was enough to allow my mind to make it through the day. Either that or go on one of those nature trail walks that surround the campus but I wasn't much up for walking today.
I found a quiet spot along the corner edge of the field. I leaned against the tree and closed my eyes. The events of this morning started flashing through my head. The way his tongue felt against my skin, his sweet, hot breath, the softness of his hands, and the eagerness of his touch. It was more then I could ever dream and ask for. I had to admit to myself that I wanted more. Lots more in fact. I was beginning to crave his very existence.
"Can I sit down?"
The voice made me jump. I was too deep in thought to recognize who it was so I opened my eyes slightly blinking from the sun shinning down on my face.
"Did I wake you my sleeping beauty?"
I stared up at him. He looks like an angel in disguise. The sun was bouncing off his creamy skin sending rays shooting all around him. It made his hair look lighter and is eyes glow in brilliance. I could do nothing but smile at him as he sat beside me closely pulling out a sandwich.
"Do you want some or are you still sleeping? I promise you it's not a dream"
"You look like an angel coming to save me from hell."
"So being with me is hell??"
I couldn't help but laugh shaking my head.
"No its better then heaven. Just my head, it works in its own dimension.
He raised an eyebrow shaking his head, splitting his sandwich in half and offering the other half to me.
"No thanks."
"Do you ever eat?"
I laughed again.
"Yes. Why?"
"I barely see you put anything in your mouth. Not normal for a teenage boy."
"I just don't eat much. My stomach is weird sometimes."
He then took my hand and placed the sandwich in it.
"After last night, you need to eat. Please, I'm still worried about you."
He did have a worried look on this face. I knew I would do anything to make him happy so I took a bite of the sandwich. He smiled and I smiled back.
"Why are you worried about me? Why do you even care about fixing a broken soul like me?"
The way he looked at me was like I had hurt his feelings. I quickly smiled to try to lighten the mood but it didn't really seem to work.
"Have you ever had anyone to love you before, to care for you and wish you well?"
"I'm not sure how to answer that question."
"Try."
There was anger in his tone. The first I ever heard from him.
"Well, of course I have, I expect that my parents love me that was so-."
He calmed his manor before speaking again.
"I meant what I said last night about loving you. I want the best for you, I want to do anything I can to make you happy, and I also want to push you to see that you are more than what you think you are, for you to stop all the damn panic all the time and just breathe."
"Well, sorry, I don't know how to deal with my emotions like you do."
He was starting to piss me off. Making me wish I had never come to him last night. I started to get up then, too upset to stay next to him.
"Wait, that's not what I meant."
"Then what the hell did you mean Eric!"
I realized I was yelling but we were too far away from anyone hearing what we were talking about.
"Look, please don't think I didn't want you to come to me last night. I'm more than glad that you did. What I'm trying to say is don't let all those bad thoughts in your head get to you, ok? Just be you."
"Be me? You want me to be me!" I moved closer to him out of anger. Something I had never done before. Normally I walk away but not from this. "You don't even know me."
"You don't even know you."
I turned my back for a minute to calm myself down a bit. I didn't want to say anything that I regretted.
"You? You want to know who I am. I'm a gay 17 year old with no future, that cares about absolutely nothing, and could really care less about the world."
"Try again."
I was about ready to hit a tree. But I forced myself to full comprehend what he wanted me to say. I took a deep breath, bracing myself against the tree.
"I'm a gay 17 year old, who is in love, and is afraid to see what is beyond this giant bubble I have created for my protection."
He stood up and stood in front of me. His face inches from mine, looking right into my eyes.
"Kiss me. Don't think about it, and don't you dare regret it afterwards, just do it."
I couldn't help but hesitate. But his kiss was all I wanted since the moment he said it. Demanded it. My eyes darted around to see if anyone was looking in our direction.
"Don't think Jack. Let go of your fear."
I knew he was right. I knew I had to face what I was and become what I knew I wanted to be. I closed my eyes, and I was shaking but I wasn't really afraid. I leaned forward, and pressed my lips against his with the passion and eagerness he showed me this morning. I kissed him like my life depended on it. Like my very existence and well being, depended on it. I gave into the craving, the lust, and fully experienced the feel of kissing him. His soft lips, his wet tongue, the strong smell of his cologne mixed with his musk. I gave in to his body as he pressed me against the tree. Gave into his embrace, his love for me. And as I pulled away, I knew I couldn't stand my life to be without him.