Finding Andrew

By Samuel Forte' III

Published on Apr 10, 2007

Gay

** This story is a true story, telling of people and events that have taken place in the last three to four years. I have the consent of the others who are involved to use them, but no last names will be used for privacy reasons. This story will focus around two people as they stumble upon each during high school and find themselves falling for one another. They are able to survive the trials, tribulations, and difficulties that are thrown at them and from each other until everything comes to an abrupt end...All rights to this story are mine (lol well it is based on MY experiences) so no copying or publishing without my consent!**

Finding Andrew

Chapter 25 - Being Tough


It's been quite awhile so let's pick up a little from the last chapter:

"Would not being around Tim hurt you?" Hmm. That was an interesting question. I had to take a few minutes to think it through. I swear it really is crazy how many things can run through your mind in such a short time.

"Yea. I'd probably be even worse than I've been since Andrew."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he's one of few people I can trust. If he wanted to apologize about his little outburst and go back to being buddies I'd be happy. I don't have many people that close to me anymore. Justin, Sean, and now you."

"I see. Well you have to do what you think is best."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Tim may do you more damage than good by being so close and yet so far." I knew exactly what he meant by that. I needed no further explanation. He dropped the subject and we chatted about a few other topics. Afterwards, I drove home and pulled out my cell phone. I had made up my mind on what to do. I dialed the numbers and waited for Tim to pick up.

And now continuing on with the story:


I let it ring twice and hit end. I panicked. Usually when it came to making a decision, I was very clear on what I planned to do. My mind was swimming because I had no idea what I should do. Well I knew what I should do. But not trying to hurt people has it's own set of faults. The main one being that you would sacrifice your morals or your own happiness not to hurt someone. Really there is no way that I should even want to be friends with Tim after that faithful night (much like with many of the things Mario did) . But seeing how things had unfolded after coming out to some people, I was so desperate to hold onto a friend even if it would bring me harm later. It would be a decision that I would revisit later, but for the moment I took both Jake and Justin's advice: let him go. Hard to do, but I managed for the time being. I really had a chance to enjoy myself while Jake was out visiting.

For one, I got to see just how it was being around `my own' people. I went to my first gay club, first gay event, and first lgbt meeting. I was extremely nervous, but being around Jake gave me that calming feeling that was very necessary for me to make it through. Especially the club. I'm pretty sure that I tried to leave at least five times that night. Jake kept an eye on me though, so once I got that I had a blast. I even introduced him to Justin which went much better than I ever thought it would. I knew that Justin was very accepting of Andrew and myself. Jake was a little more forward and outward with being gay though...if you saw him on the street, you could tell. And like I said before, he is very non-caring about what people think. Something he kept trying to pass on to me. Justin was great about it...much appreciated.

When he left, I was probably more confused in my thoughts. But I was also more focused on the direction of my life. I was pretty down taking him back to the airport because I knew two things: I made a very good friend and that it would be awhile before I could see him again. I never thought that the internet could provide such a good friend. As I watched his plane leave, I thought back to a fitting memory of Andrew:


We were at the mall just hanging out on a Saturday. It was packed as usual and we were at the arcade. We both loved video games so it was a good way to pass the time. This was when I was a senior and him a sophomore. We were playing DDR at the same time and just having a blast. A long line to play and everyone was always standing and watching putting added pressure on those stomping the pads. We were playing our favorite song (Colors) and we both got an A for our final song. After a bumping of fists, I saw two girls in a deep kiss out of the corner of my eyes. I know Andrew saw it too because of the look of shock he had on his face. After we sat down, he was quick to bring it up.

"Can you believe that? That takes some balls."

"Yea, it does. But I'm pretty sure there would be a different reaction of it were two guys...say us." I said very quietly.

"I know and I hate it. I just wish we could be us. I mean, what's the big deal about it? I feel cheated with always having to keep things so secretive." I knew what he was getting at. If anything, I had no problem with public affection. I'm not exactly a big fan of it, but I also don't mind showing my boyfriend that he means more to me than the opinion of others.

"One day dude. One day. Or maybe we can just move to San Francisco." He laughed at that, but I could see the fear in his eyes. Andrew was terrified of being viewed as gay. It really hurt him for people to think less of him, but I knew that as long as he had that kind of mind set, nothing would change.


I thought about it the whole way back home. The only way I was going to move forward was with a change. A very different change too. Andrew aside for a second, I was stuck in a little rut in life. So used to living in secret that I wasn't really sure who exactly I was anymore. I also knew that I needed a mental change to how I was dealing with things. Toughness. That was the word I was looking for. No one was going to live my life but me. I knew that in order to get my life back on track I was going to have to be a very changed person. The old Sam died that day.

Things started fast. I came out to just about everyone I knew including my family. My sister was much more accepting of it. I would love to go into detail about it, but to be honest I'm still very bitter to the way things went down almost two years later. It was very ugly. Justin had an apartment in Denver and I moved in with him to be able to really get back to functioning again. I was very hurt by what happened, but Justin was smart enough to not push me about it. That summer I lost a lot of friends. I lost a lot of willpower. I lost even more of the determination to proof people wrong which was something I had always thrived on. Justin, Jason, Sean, and Natalie became my rocks to lean on.

The months of August and September were really tough. I did just about everything that I could to keep myself going. School and work. Work and school. I even tried to get back into dating which produced a very mixed bag of results. Being around Justin even more was a big help in keeping me around. If it was possible, we became even better friends than we were before. He really became my second half in a way that not even Andrew could relate to. At one point I was coasting along just fine. I had no idea that 2005 would turn to crap at the end.

It was around mid-October when I talked to my mom. She was headed out to Texas because her dad had fell and was in the hospital. That was the good news (if there was any), because it got much worse. While in the hospital they found that he had cancer. A VERY active case of cancer. Of course, those words sent chills through my body for a very obvious reason. Basically after talking to the doctor and her mom, she was going to head out there. She was driving and it's not a short drive. Seventeen hours. I was going to go to because I was in the best position to go since I could afford take time off from work and school. Long and very quiet drive.

It was a very weird site when we made it to the hospital. I swear, it was a very hurtful experience that whole week. The first day we went up there, I wasn't prepared to see what I did. Seeing Andrew, in the hospital multiple times was one thing. I could tell my grandfather was dying when I saw him. He had lost a lot of weight, could barely stay awake, and couldn't remember who anyone was. My mom and grandmother were holding onto hope, but I could see what was going to happen in the very near future. I talked to the doctor outside of the room and he said that he was currently in Stage 4 cancer. Basically cancer has 4 stages for those of you that don't know. I'm pretty certain that once it hits the third one you are kind of getting towards the end. It can be slowed somewhat, but I don't believe that you can really control it by then. I'm not so sure about that, but I've heard so much about cancer in the last couple of years that it just gets jumbled at times. I should probably look that up again. I DO know that the fourth stage is basically when you're nearing the swan song. Only a matter of time.

I remember standing at the end of the hall staring out of that huge glass window wondering if this would be my future. Would I have to suffer the same fate at the hands of cancer? How much longer could I fight it off? Is all the treatment, chemo, etc. just delaying the inevitable? My thoughts were very much to myself for the rest of that week. I was very quiet much of the time. My PSP kept my mind from focusing solely on those questions and I slept most of the days. I think that was one of the first times that I was really concerned about my health after Andrew's death. Better late than never I guess...

November 4th was the day we would be headed back to Colorado. Fitting day for many things. First and foremost, it was birthday number 20. At exactly midnight, I got a text from my sister, Jake, and Justin all telling me happy birthday in some form. I found it funny because I was aware of the day, but it was not on my mind at all. We left very early that morning and something just didn't feel right. I let my mom know that we should stay for another day. She was anxious to get me home though. She really felt bad that I wouldn't be able to spend my birthday with my friends. What was more important at that point in time is for her to be around her father since I was aware that time was running low for him. He was going to move into a home, but I wasn't so sure he would be around that long. I couldn't stay awake much of the way home. I was wrapped in so many thoughts.

When we got to my parent's house, I helped my mom unload her stuff into the house. I told her that she should call her mom to let her know that we made it back. She seemed really hesitant to do it, but after my constant nagging she finally did. That was around 6 in the evening. I was in the basement looking at the empty room which used to be mine. I remember the reason why I wasn't there, and I just pushed the anger back down. Things happen for a reason. I'm sure that I would figure it out down the road. I went upstairs at 7:51 to find my sister with very red eyes staring back at me. I knew what happened. I pushed the door open to my mom's room to find her an emotional wreck. No need for many details. You know why she was crying.

I ended up leaving an hour later. I had to be alone. I headed home to find Justin happy to see me back. He was, until he saw the look on my face.

"I'm sorry Sam."

"Yea, grrreat way to celebrate a birthday huh? I should be happy to turn 20, but now all I'll remember is that November 4th is the day that my grandfather died. Just leave me alone." I walked in my room and slammed the door shut. I just stood by the window and stared out into the night. I never heard Justin quietly sneak into my room.

"I don't know how you do it."

"Do what?" I asked a little irritated that he had broken my train of thought.

"Handle everything. You've had a lot on your plate all year, but you just keep pushing on. You're a tough guy mentally."

"I'm not tough because I am, Justin. I'm tough because I have no choice." I don't think he fully understood what I meant by that, but we did talk about that later. To be honest that has become sort of a motto for me...that's for later though. I talked to Jake about the situation along with Sean and I went reverted back to my quiet self.

I headed back out to Texas along with my family to attend the funeral. Well to be there for it. I couldn't go. It would bring back Andrew and I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. I told no one that, but my sister wasn't going either. She was scared and I don't blame her. That day, I said very little. Too many memories of Andrew's funeral ran through my mind the whole time out there. I was scared to say anything because I had no idea how things would come out. I felt like they would just run out.

I was staying at a hotel with my Aunt Deborah during our stay out there. It was a way to be a little distanced from my parents (dad in particular) and also be around her since it had been a long time we'd seen each other. The hotel was very cool. It had a pool, fitness room, computer lab, and bar/buffet. One night I was making my way to the fitness room, when I saw two guys playing around in the pool. Both seemed to be around my age from a distance. I smiled remembering the days of just letting loose and having fun. It had been awhile since I got to do that. Well I was a little surprised to see them join me on the treadmills after about half an hour. The oldest one introduced both of them to me and that jumpstarted a conversation. They invited me back to their room to play X-Box. I accepted and off we went.

We had a blast playing until about four in the morning. We talked a lot. I found that they were gay and were dating. They would rent a hotel room once a month to get away from their parents and be alone together. It was the only way they really got any privacy. And with living in a small town, the only way they could be together without having to worry about the whole town knowing about them. I had never really thought of that, but living in a bigger city I never had to worry about everyone knowing. If a few knew, it couldn't have been that bad. Colorado Springs always left me with a chance to get away. Being in Denver with Justin, I was even less concerned. I was more of a fly on the wall there.

Getting home, Justin was of course happy to greet me. We talked for a little while until I decided to catch up on sleep. I was tired and just needed to lay down. I got back into work and school shortly after getting back to help keep my mind clear. I thought I would eventually get my life back to a normal routine, but again I was wrong. Jake just disappeared for a few days. Not seen on the net, and not answering his phone. I was worried...but that finally ended when I saw his number one night. I don't even think I let the phone ring a second time.

"What the hell Jake! Where have you been?" I was really mad, because with the events of that year I was going to think the worst automatically. And I knew he would know that too.

"Sorry...I'm really sorry..." This didn't sound like Jake at all. A shaky voice and I could tell in his tone that he was not full of that confidence that he always had.

"What's wrong?"

"Sam, can you come out here? I really need for you to be here." His voice was still very shaky. He seemed a lot more sure of himself though.

"How soon? What's going on?"

"I know this is going to sound weird, but I view you as my best friend...Umm my mom...she..."

"Jake, I'm so sorry." That was something I was not expecting. And even though I knew that he was very bitter towards his family for rejecting him, he still cared for them very much. This was going to hurt him badly.

"Yea...I need you out here. I can't do this alone. I need help."

"Ok. I'll get a ticket and get out there as soon as I can."

"Thanks, Sam. Send me a text message once you have your info. I'm going to head off to bed."

"Alright. Take care of yourself buddy. Don't do anything drastic. I'll try to get something heading out in the next day or two."

"Sure." And with that the phone conversation was over. I was now flipping roles with him. He had always played the big brother role. Now it was my turn. This was going to be tough.


Not really sure what I should be putting here. I really intended for the story to end after my grandfather's death. That was in the beginning though. The day of his funeral is when I started writing this. I felt that the pain that I was still feeling from Andrew's death come be funneled out through writing. As some know, that was far from the case. And it was just the beginning of the pain I would feel. I thought I had hit rock bottom...and I dropped far lower.

At some point in the next chapter or two, I'm going to have to backtrack to explain a few people. I just skipped it for now because I wanted to get this chapter out. I know that it is very different from the style of the previous chapters. Part of it is because it has been so long since I've written in regards to the story. Part is because I'm a very changed person these days compared to early 2006 and late 2005. All I can is to just bear with me. This story is about to take a twist because I've rethought how exactly this is going to end.

Andrew will no longer be much of a focus from here on out. Now it's going to focus more on Justin and myself. A few others both old and new along the way. I had planned on focusing on more of coming out along with issues at school and socially in my life leading up to my grandfather's funeral. As a matter of fact, I had it all typed out and ready to go. I had to let it go for awhile. Maybe later some of you could understand why. It has eaten away at me over the last couple of months. For reasons that you'll come to learn or maybe already know. I actually spent my Easter weekend planning on going to Las Vegas. The weather shot my plans and I was stuck at home thanks to the snow. I ended up doing a lot of reading. Part of it was reading over the last 24 chapters of this long story. Let's just say that lots of things kind of hit a nerve and this has sat in the front of my mind for the last couple of days. This has been due an update and more fittingly an ending for awhile. I don't know if it will be worth it from a reader's standpoint, but I owe it to more than a few people to finish this.

Chapter 26: Being Honest Inside, Not Out

Next: Chapter 26


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