"Your love Josh, your love for me, that's what makes me so happy. Like I said before, you have a chance with a hot sexy guy but you didn't want him. You didn't leave me for him. In fact you come back to me and show me how much you love me. So what if you kissed Justin? It's just a kiss. He wasn't even on your mind when you kissed him, I WAS. I got your heart, your soul, your mind and this damn sexy body" I said grinning. "That's all I need JC. I live for your love. I love you Joshua Scott Chasez. In case you didn't hear me I love you, I love you, I love you so much JC" I screamed.
The expression on JC's face was priceless, he was beaming and his smile was brighter than the sun.
"That's what we do in a relationship JC. We correct each other's mistakes, not blaming them. I have a song that perfectly describes my feeling for you. Wait here ok?" I said as I ran upstairs to get the CD I wanted. "I don't know how to sing, I don't know how to write a song. So I'm using somebody's work to express the feeling I have for you" I said when I put the CD in, and put a finger on JC lips to stop him from talking when he tried to speak because the song has just begun.
You can be a million miles away from me.
You can be kissing another man's lips.
But I'm your man, I'm your man.
If tomorrow would stay behind.
That I close my eyes and never wake up
I'm still your man, I'm your man.
I pray to god, I pray for time.
I pray that I can hold you in arms.
Pray with me eternally.
Time is forever ours.
It's the way that you smile,
the way that you cry.
Why I always want to be your man.
It's the way that I feel, when I feel you inside.
Why I always want to be your man.
You can be a million miles away from me.
You can be kissing another man's lips.
But I'm your man, I'm your man.
They can take away my heart and my soul.
They can even tell me you don't love me no more.
But I'm your man, I'm your man.
I won't give up, I won't let you down.
I promise to stand by your side.
Pray for faith, pray for you.
Pray that we'll always be.
It's the way that you smile, the way that you cry.
Why I always want to be your man.
It's the way that I feel, when I feel you inside.
Why I always want to be your man.
It's the way that you're weak.
It's the way that you're strong
Why I always want to be your man.
It's the way you believe. It's the love that you give.
Why I always want to be your man.
I pray to god, I pray for time, I pray I can hold you in my arms.
Pray with me eternally. Time is forever ours.
It's the way that you smile, the way that you cry.
Why I always want to be your man.
It's the way that I feel when I feel you inside.
Why I always want to be your man.
It's the way that you're weak, it's the way that you're strong.
Why I always want to be your man.
It's the way you believe.
It's the love that you give.
Why I always want to be your man.
Why I always want to be your man.
"Oh TT I love you. I love you just as much. I promise you that I will never hurt you. I will never leave you no matter what. I guess you're stuck with me forever heh? You always know the right thing to say. You always know how to make me feel better. When I first came in here, I was burdened with guilt. Now you make me feel like kissing Justin was a good thing that I did."
I just love it when he called me TT, it's so cute. I guess he just wanted to call me in a special way that nobody does beside my family. He always makes sure that he makes me feel special in someway. I admire his patience, and his tolerance for me. I don't know how he could put up with me easily. He treats me like I'm his universe. He never fights with me for anything. We never fight to prove who loves whom more. Never once he has said that he loves me more. We both understand that this is not a competition. We don't have to prove it because we both know that we can't love each other more than we do now. We're totally devoted to each other. I knew that I could never live the same without him.
He was staring at me lovingly the whole time the song was playing. We were standing so close to each other that we could feel the other person's breath. I moved closer to wrap my arms around him and whispered softly into his ear "Please make love to me JC! Please make love to me like you did the first time. Give me the pleasure, the ecstasy. I want to feel you inside of me right now. I want you to make love to me until my body can't take it anymore."
JC stood up and swept me up in his muscular arms, he's so strong and he has no trouble carrying me at all. I wrapped my arms around his neck and snuggled close to his body. I began to kiss his chest through the soft and silky fabric of his shirt. I paid a lot of attention on his left nipple as I started to lick it and then gently sucked on it. Within seconds, the nipple was fully erected and visible through a wet spot.
JC moaned a little "Oh TT! How can I carry you when you're doing this to me. You make me feel weakening. If you keep that up, I'm gonna drop you down on the floor and take you right here."
"I'm sorry! I couldn't resist. And hey, I wouldn't complain if you make love to me on the floor." I giggled.
"No! I want to make love to you on a bed. I want to make sure you enjoy every moment of it" he spoke softly as he began his quest upstairs to the bedroom where we made love for hour after hour. We made love until we were so exhausted that we just fell sleep in each other's arms.
So many things happened over the next few days. I got along really well with Chris, Joey and Lance, especially Lance. The two of us were really hitting it off, and we told each other so much about our lives. The only person that almost, almost never talked to me was Justin. No matter how much I tried to open up to him, no matter how much I tried to get to know him, he always shut me out. The worst of all was he was putting a stress on our relationship. He relentlessly tried to make JC to spend all the time with him. Closer and closer he was getting to JC.
For the next few days, JC's mood became worse and worse. His temper seemed to get a little bit out of control and he seemed distracted all the time. He also distanced himself from me which I hated the most. We didn't cuddle anymore like we used to, and he rarely made any conversation with me. The fears that had been pushed away long ago now suddenly rushed back to me. I didn't think that I was losing him, but our relationship was getting rocky right now.
One morning when I woke up, I found myself alone in the bed, and the door to the balcony was opened. I could see his figure standing outside thinking. I was pretty sure that there was only one thing that occupied his mind, and that was Justin. I had the urge to cry when I realized that I was no longer on his mind anymore, and the fact that Justin putting a deeper and deeper impact on him made me felt even worse.
I walked out to the balcony, I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. I pressed my face into his broad, strong back, breathing heavily in the smell of the fresh air in the morning and his aroma. He startled a little bit, but soon relaxed when he realized it was me. I turned him around and said "Please hold me JC! I need to feel your arms around me. I need to feel safe and protected in your arms. I miss you JC! I can't stand it when you keep your distance from me. I'm scared JC. I'm so scared right now. I don't think I can hold on any longer" I said as I started to cry.
He sighed and pulled me into a tightly embrace. God! I missed that feeling. He hasn't held me once for the last few days.
"You can sleep with him if you want you know? I won't mind" I couldn't believe my own ears what I have just said myself.
He quickly pushed me back a little and I could see there were fire and fury in his eyes when I looked at him. I was terrified because I've never seen JC like this. If look could kill, I would have been dead many times.
"What the hell are you talking about Tommy? Do you even realize what you just said?" he screamed.
"Yes, if that's what it takes for us to stay together, then I'm willing to accept it" I said as my waterworks started.
"Oh I'm sorry TT. I didn't mean to scream at you. I was just a little shocked at what you just told me. Do you know that you are pushing me into Justin's hands by doing that?" he asked.
I nodded.
"Aren't you afraid that I may fall in love with him and then I would leave you?" he questioned me again.
By now there were two streams running down my face "Yes, I am. You don't know how scared I am JC. You don't know how much it hurts to think that I will lose you to Justin. But watching you suffered over the last few days hurts me even more. I can't stand to watch you suffer JC. I can't stand watching you beating yourself over me and Justin. If it means to lose you to release you from the pain, from being miserable, then I won't hesitate to do it because I love you that much JC. I love you so much that I would do anything for you, even giving you to somebody else" I finished and ran into the bathroom.
JC stood there speechless. He knew that I love him, but he never realized the depth of my love for him till that moment. I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom looking at my reflection. I couldn't even recognize myself. I was a total mess. My face was we with tears, my eyes were so red from the crying that you couldn't see whiteness in them. I was so scared to look at myself so I closed my eyes. I stood there for a while till I heard JC walked into the bathroom. He swept me up and carried me back into the bedroom. He laid me down on the bed and lay on top of me. He started to kiss my lips, my face, and licked away all the tears on it. Tears kept rolling out of my eyes and JC kept licking them away. The whole time he said it over again over again "I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry. I just promised you a few days ago that I would never hurt you, and here I am making you cry already. Please forgive me my love. I love you so much, and it's killing me to see you crying." Then he kissed my eyes and gradually moved his kisses down on to my neck. As soon as he started to kiss my neck, I closed my eyes and began to enjoy the feeling of his kisses. He hasn't shaved for the past few days, and the friction caused by his mustache, his beard sent me into oblivion. He spent so much time on kissing my neck, licking it and sucking it while his hands roamed all over my body. We were so into each other that we couldn't remember anything. We totally forgot that the guys have stayed over last night, and they would have to go for a rehearsal early this morning. Just as he hooked his fingers around the plastic bands of my briefs, we heard a knock on the door, and Lance's voice interrupted us.
"JC, Tom, are you two up yet? We need to have breakfast and leave for the rehearsal"
"Yes, we're already up Scoop. Thank you for interrupting us" JC yelled out to Lance.
I could hear Lance's chuckles, and said "you're welcome anytime!"
JC lay down next to me and put my head on his chest as he wrapped his arms around my upper body and his legs around my lower body. He rubbed my back slowly and said "I'm sorry baby! I will make it up to you. Do you want to go to the rehearsal with me? I don't want you stay here and feeling lonely by yourself."
"Sure, I would love to go with you" I quickly responded and you could see the excitement easily in my answer. I was thrilled at the thought of spending the whole day looking at my boyfriend and listening to his beautiful voice.
"Good! Let's wash up and go for breakfast" he got up and scooped me up and carried me into the bathroom. God! I love to be carried around by him. It seemed that I walked less and less nowadays when I'm around him, but I didn't mind at all. On the way to the bathroom, I put my hand into his shirt and rubbed his chest as I started to suck on his nipple because I knew this always turns him on "Eh uh! I told you that I would make it up to you later. You have to stop right now baby. We don't have a lot of time for this. I don't want the guys break in here and see I'm having hot passionate sex with you right now" he laughed.
"Sorry! I couldn't resist. It was right in front of my face" I chuckled saying the same line I had said many times.
"Oh you're so cute" he pinched my cheek and teased me.
About half and hour later, we were downstairs having breakfast. Joey and Chris were sitting on the floor in front of the TV with their plates full of food. Lance and Justin were sitting on the couch. Everybody looked up and said hi except for Justin when we entered. We said hi back to them and went to got some food.
JC stuffed his plate with a little of almost everything, walked to the couch and sat down next to Justin. I got my plate and then sat down at the other side next to Lance and tried to make small conversations with him. But my mind wasn't there through out the whole conversation. I paid most of my attention trying to listen to what JC and Justin talking.
"What's up Curly?" JC said while messing up with Justin's hair a little. He always shows his affection for Justin.
Justin's face lit up when he saw JC sat down next to him and played with his hair "Nothing much. How are you doing Sleep?" he asked.
"Are you mad at me or something Curly? You didn't even said hi to me"
"No, I'm not mad at you JC. I just don't like a certain person in this room. I don't like being around him" he told JC flatly.
JC was a little shock. He quickly stood up, grabbed Justin's hand to pull him up "Let's go! We need to talk. We have to clear this up right now" they both put their plate on the table and walked upstairs "We will be right back right. I'll see you later baby" he blew me a kiss before walking away.
"How is it between you and JC?" Lance asked me. I jumped a little at his question. By now Chris and Joey's attention were drawn into our conversation.
"I'm good! Why?"
"I'm just concerned Tom. You and JC haven't been the same lately. You were somewhere else when we talked before, and JC he has been strange the last few days. He was grouchy, distracted and snapped at everybody. He looked a little better this morning till now. So I just want to know if things work out between you guys."
"Yeah! We just cleared up everything this morning, and we were about to do something until you little jerk interrupted us and ruined our moment" I joked.
"Yup! That's what I'm good for. Making everybody's life miserable, and ruin their happiness" Lance laughed.
"Eew! I don't want to hear anything about what you and JC do" Chris teased me, and gave me a funny face.
"Oh you don't know what you're missing. One night with us and I'm sure you will convert"
Chris made a gagging face while we all laughed "No thanks. I am very happy with the way I am right now."
"Ok! Just don't say that I never offer. This is your last chance now" I teased him further. His face was a little red by now.
"Fuck you Tom!" he tried to laugh off his embarrassment.
"WOW! Didn't know you want me that bad, but sorry not now with Lance and Joey here. And I never cheat on JC Chris. Either with both of us or nothing." I tried not to laugh but couldn't. As my face was hit by a pillow and Chris tackled me and started to tickled me. God! Don't be fooled by this guy's small frame. He was so strong and quick. I was no match for him. I laughed while trying to fight off "Joey, Lance help me!"
They just looked at each other, smiled and shook their heads and looked back at us. By now Chris attacked me harder.
"If you don't help me, I'm gonna tell your dirty secrets" I yelled.
They both got up with a pillow in their hands and prepared to hit me.
"Go ahead little man! We have nothing to be ashamed of" Lance challenged me.
"Oh Chris if you don't stop and help me to fight these barbarians off, I will say bad things about you to Amy. I know you want to hook up with her. You know that she will listen to anything I say." I threatened Chris this time since I couldn't do it whit Lance and Joey.
He quickly got off me and started his battle with Lance and Joey. Boy, if there's a contest for pillow-fight Chris sure will be the ultimate champion.
Even though he was up against two, he showed no sign of losing. While he was battling with Lance and Joey, I sat down watching and catching my breath. As the fight went on, Chris was losing. I grabbed a pillow and prepared to help him, then something crossed my mind.
"Chris, did you know that Joey was masturbating in front of Britney's picture a couple days ago?" I lied.
Joey was shock by this, and he was stoned for a moment. Chris and I seized this opportunity, as each of us gave him a good blow in the face with the pillow when he opened his mouth and said "I did not"
Lance was so busy laughing that he couldn't help Joey. I turned to him and plunged at him, knocking him down on the bed as I jumped on top of him and sat on his stomach. I pressed the pillow in his face. He tried to fight me off "And this little white boy here, do you know what he did Chris?" I didn't wait for Chris' answer "He tried to seduce me by dropping his towel.
I got to see his naked butts. Wow! They're even better than JC's" I laughed.
"No, I did not. You are such a liar" he managed to throw me off. "Don't you wish to see my butts though?"
We all laughed from this as we lay on the floor catching our breaths.
"Wow! That was fun. I haven't had a pillow fight in ages" Joey exclaimed.
At the same time in Justin's room, Justin was sitting on the bed while JC was pacing around.
"Ok! We have to get his straight and over Justin. You know that I love TT very much and I love you too, but only as a brother Justin. Why can't you understand that?"
"No, I don't understand it JC. You barely know Tom. What does he have that I don't? I am better looking than he is, and we know each other forever. I love you JC. I've been in love with you for a long time. I didn't tell you before because I am afraid that it will ruin our friendship.
Now I found out that you're gay, we can be together JC. Forget about Tom.
We will be very happy together. We are meant for each other JC" Justin got up to JC and pulled JC in a hug. He rubbed JC's back gently "I will give you everything JC. I show you that you don't need him because I can give you the pleasure he can never give you before" through his whisper, Justin's hands began to move down and massaged JC's butts while he got into the rhythm of grinding his crotch into JC's crotch. Soon there were two huge visible bulges, and they were getting bigger and bigger. JC closed his eyes as he threw his head back and moans escaped from his mouth.
Justin didn't waste any second as he fished his hand into JC's pants for the big, long shaft and began his stroking. He pressed his lips into JC's lips, and they started kissing. Justin's tongue found its way in JC's mouth, his eyes were shinning. He believed that he finally got what he wanted. He finally got JC under control. He has been waiting for this moment for so long. He unbuckled JC's pants with the other hand as his stroking got faster and faster. JC's breathing became shorter and heavier. He closed his eyes so he can enjoy the pleasure Justin gave him to the peak.
He also had wanted this, he didn't know why he didn't let it happen sooner, it felt so good. Justin's hand felt so good on his throbbing cock that he urged Justin to go on by thrusting his hips into Justin's hands
"Make love to me JC. Take my virginity JC. I've been saving myself for you. Make me scream with pleasure. I want to feel this big dick inside of me. Give it to me JC" he gave a squeeze on JC's cock as he was chanting into JC's ear while licking it at the same time.
They both slowly moved to the bed as their tongues danced vigorously in each other's mouth. JC pushed Justin down on the bed and stepped out of his pants. He began to unbutton Justin's ply. He pulled the jeans off, in the meantime Justin managed to take his t-shirt off. He was lying there in his glory. The outline of his fully erected cock could be easily seen through the white briefs. JC hooked his fingers in the plastic band and in one swift move he pulled off the briefs. Justin stirred a little bit as his cock was released from its confinement out to the cold air. He wrapped his legs around JC's waist and pulled JC down on top off him. He raised his head to engage JC into a hot, passionate kiss. He bit lightly on JC's bottom lip and began his trace of short kisses down to JC's neck. Once he reached his destination, he sucked strongly on JC's neck like there's no tomorrow. Soon a red mark about the size of a quarter appeared as Justin let go of JC's neck. Loud moans were escaping from JC. He couldn't think of anything but Justin and him at that moment. He quickly grabbed Justin's legs and spread them. He took his big cock that was dripping with pre-cum and smeared it at Justin's virgin hole as a lubrication. Justin was writhing at the feeling of JC's cock rubbing against his hole. He moaned "Yes JC! Make love to me. Make love to me JC. Give em every inches of that big cock. I want to give you the pleasure that Tom can never give you"
JC suddenly stopped in his track at the mention of my name. He felt like he was splashed in the face by a bucket of ice cold water. He was trembling feverously. Within seconds, the throbbing cock in his hand went soft rapidly. As reality came back, he realized that he was about to have sex with Justin with me waiting for him downstairs. "Oh my god! What the hell am I doing? I can't do this. I can't hurt him. He will be devastated. I love him to much to do this to him" he quickly put his clothes on.
By now Justin realized what he did and he cursed himself for mentioning my name. He was this close in getting JC. He quickly got up and hugged JC and pleaded "Please don't go JC! I need you. I love you so much JC. I can't live without you. You know that you love me too. You know that you and I belong to each other. I will make you very happy JC. Please don't go"
"I'm sorry Justin! I'm sorry for letting things get this far. You know that I love you Justin. I always love you, but not the same way I love Tom.
He's my heart, my soul, and my everything. I promised him that I will never hurt him and I will never leave him. I'm sorry that I can't be with you Justin. I will break his heart if I do that" JC was stroking Justin's face as he explained this. "I love you Justin. I love you very much, and I'll do anything for you. But we can't be more than anything but brothers. Do you understand?" he wiped away the tears on Justin's face with his thumbs as Justin nodded.
"Ok now get up! Go and clean up, we have to leave for rehearsal" he pulled Justin up and walked him to the bathroom "I'm going to go and get the others. Are you gonna be Ok?" JC asked.
Justin nodded.
JC walked out of the bathroom and headed downstairs. Before he left the room, he turned back one more time to look at Justin.
Back in the living room, we were all spent after the pillow fight so we sat down and made small talks.
"Hi guys, you're ready to leave yet?" JC asked as he entered.
"No, we're not. Give us ten minutes to relax. We just had a World War III here" Chris joked.
"Really? Who's the winner then?" JC cocked his eyebrows and looked at the pillows scattered all over the place.
"If I tell you who the winner is, will he get a reward for winning the fight? Like a kiss from a gorgeous stud in a famous boy-band. And I believe his name is Joshua Chasez" I said as I approached him.
"Baby, if you're the winner, I believe Joshua Chasez has a better reward than just a kiss. But if it's not you then I don't care who the winner is because I ain't kiss any of those ugly asses over there" JC laughed.
"Hey!" all Lance, Chris and Joey yelled as they all got up and about to attack JC.
"If you want a piece of my man, you have to get through me first, you three apes" I stood firm in front of JC with my arms stretched out to block them "So who want to be the first victim?"
"You're lucky to have your little boyfriend here to protect you JC, so we let you go this time" Chris chuckled.
"Good! Now I can go back to get my reward kiss from my man now" I turned around to kiss JC. As I was about to kiss his lips, something flashed in my eyes and I felt a sharp pain cut through my heart. My face cringed when JC leaned forward to kiss me. I didn't even realize that I didn't return JC's kiss because my mind was somewhere else.
"Are you ok babe?" he puzzled.
"Yeah! I'm all right. Excuse me JC! I need to go to the bathroom"
"Ok! I'm going to go and get change. I'll see you soon baby. Guys hurry up and get ready. We have to leave soon" With that JC went upstairs to his bedroom with Chris and Joey behind him.
When I walked past Lance to the bathroom, I could feel Lance was looking at me intensely. I felt uneasy at his gaze. It was like he was observing me, and I could tell that he sensed something was wrong.
"Tom are you ok?" I heard Lance's voice through the bathroom door.
"Yeah! I'm all right. Almost finish, I will be right out" I tried to compose myself because I didn't want Lance to see that I was about to cry. I walked out of the bathroom and almost bumped into him on my way out.
"Something's wrong right?" he grabbed my arms and made me look at him.
"No, nothing's wrong. Why do you ask that?" I lied.
"You know you're a very bad liar Tom. In case you don't know I'm may be young but I'm very observing. Is this all about the hickey on JC's neck? It's not your right?"
I was startled by his questions. I knew that Lance is very mature for his age, but never in my life I would expect him to be this sharp. I nodded and I could feel my eyes getting moist.
"I know you love him very much but don't you think you should confront him about his? I'm in no position to tell you what to do but Tom you can't let him get away with this. Now it's only a hickey, who knows what will be next time?" he paused for a moment "I couldn't believe that Justin and JC do this to you"
"Please stop Lance! Please don't say anything more" I pleaded.
He pulled me into a hug and patted my back "I'm sorry Tom. Don't worry. Everything will work out fine. I can assure you that JC loves you very much, and you're everything to him. I can see clearly the love he has for you" Lance comforted me.
"Thanks a lot Lance. I really appreciate it. I don't know what I would do without you" I hugged him tighter.
"Ok! Now go back to your room and get change and make sure you talk to him tonight"
"Thanks again Lance. You're the best" I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
"You're welcome any time. I'm glad I could help. I'll see you later"
About twenty minutes later, we were all ready and stood in front of Justin's room. JC knocked on the door, and there was no response. He knocked again.
"Justin, are you ready? We have to go now?"
Still there was no response or noise inside. JC grabbed the knob on the door and turned it. We all walked inside and saw Justin still lying on the bed.
"Justin, get up! We have to leave for the rehearsal now" JC stopped suddenly as his eyes settled down on a small bottle and a few pills around it on the bed. "Quick! Call an ambulance" he screamed. He saw and envelop nearby, he quickly grabbed it and stuffed it in his pocked. He bent down and carried Justin. The quickly ran downstairs "Forget the ambulance. We'll drive him to the hospital"
He quickly sped off once he put Justin in the car with Chris and Joey inside with them.
When Lance and I got to the hospital later, Justin was already in the emergency room and JC was pacing around in front of it. His eyes were bloodshot red, and he was a wreck. He didn't even notice our arrival. His hand was holding a letter. It must be from Justin.
"How is he?" Lance asked.
"I don't know, he just got in about five minutes ago. God! I hope he's alright. It's all my faults. It's all my fucking fault that he is in there" JC was so hysterical.
"Let me see the letter" Lance reached out and took the letter from JC's hand. He read it out loud enough so Chris, Joey and I could hear it.
"Hi JC! By the time you read this letter I think I'll be gone. I have no other choice. I know that you love Tom very much and you can't live without him. I understand it. But do you understand that I love you just as much? We've known each other, and you've always been there for me. There wasn't a time that I could remember you're not there for me when I need you. When I was young, I always looked up to you. I always considered you're my big brother. As I get older, my brotherly love for you change into something deeper. I realize that I don't want you to be my brother anymore. I want you to be my lover, my companion for the rest of my life. I dream of waking up every morning on the bed in your arms. I want to share the laughter, the joys, and the sorrows we encounter together with you in our lives. I guess all those dreams won't come true. Who says dreams can come true? Obviously not mine. I understand that I shouldn't come between you and Tom, but I couldn't control myself. You may resent me for trying to break you up sometimes but you have to understand that I never intentionally try to hurt you. I only follow what my heart tell me to do, even though my brain and my common sense tell me that it's wrong to come between you two. I love you so much JC and I would do anything to make you love me. Now I found out that I could never do that. I could never change the way you look at me. I could never make you love me the way you love Tom. My whole world collapsed JC. God! Tell me about the pain that I have to endure. You don't know how many nights I cried myself to sleep know that you and Tom are happy together somewhere. I know that this is crazy and stupid. I know that suicide doesn't solve any problem but I couldn't think of a better alternative. It hurts too much JC. It hurts me so much that I couldn't find a better solution. If I couldn't be with you, then there's no point in living. Your love is my everything JC. You're my life, my heart, my soul and my whole universe. Without you, I'm just a lonely soul. I can't live like that. I don't want to live like that. That's why I have to do what I think would be best for me. This will release me from all the pain I've been suffering. You may think that I'm crazy to commit suicide but I have no other choice. I love you Joshua Chasez. I love you with all my heart. I'm really sorry that I have to do this. Tell the guys that I love them. I hope you and Tom will be happy together for the rest of your lives."
We all cried after reading Justin's letter. Especially me, I felt so bad, so bad because I'm the reason for his suicide. Why did it have to turn out like this? We were waiting for him impatiently. Once in a while, JC would look at me and smile sadly. The whole time, he was deep in his thoughts. I didn't know what he was thinking, and I didn't dare to talk to him. We waited for a long time till a doctor came in.
"Hi! My name is June Marcus" she introduced.
JC quickly stood up and asked "How is he? How is he doctor?"
"He's fine right now, and he's resting. But he wanted to talk to JC. Which one of you is JC?" Dr. Marcus asked.
"It's me" JC quickly spoke.
"Ok you can come with me now, and the rest of you can see him later" both Dr. Marcus and JC left the room after that.
JC was sitting on the chair beside the bed. He was staring into space. There was no sparkle in his eyes, and his face had a blank expression. He was deep into his thoughts. Oblivious to his surroundings, he didn't even notice that I had just entered the room. The sight of his face, his appearance sent shivers and fears through out my entire body. Even though I didn't know what was on his mind right then, but I pretty had an idea how he ended up in that state. Looking at him, all the doubts, the fears that have been bottled up deep inside of me seemed like they've been waiting for this chance to burst out. I felt so weak, so exhausted and scared. I never felt this scared in my whole life. I knew that the thing I dreaded the most had finally happened. I realized now that Justin had occupied a very important position in JC's heart. They've always been close to each other. If you see one then the other is just around. They both share a bond that nobody can break. Somehow this bond is strengthened and developed further over the last few days.
Justin always depends on JC, and JC always makes sure that Justin gets everything he needs. He is so protected of Justin. I still couldn't figure out why they didn't end up with each other, and I couldn't understand why JC chooses me but not Justin. Before they didn't know that they both are gay. Now they found out that they are gay, maybe they will get together. When I thought about this my whole world collapsed. I could not stand to stay in that room looking at JC sitting beside Justin's bed, holding Justin's hands.
I had to get out of that room, I had to run away from that sight. I felt like I was carrying two heavy bricks on my shoulders. My feet were so heavy that I took me every bit of my energy to lift them up. I slowly dragged myself out of the room
Once I was outside the room, I couldn't walk any further as I leaned back against the wall. I closed my eyes, and tears just kept falling down my cheeks. I tried to stop but I just couldn't. I didn't know how long I have stood there crying until I felt a hand on my shoulder and a man's thick Southern voice piercing through my ears.
"Are you ok buddy?" somebody asked me.
I didn't answer him as I slowly opened my eyes. I was looking directly into a pair of deep blue eyes. I was lost again because those two eyes reminded me of the ones that had captured my heart and soul over the past month. It was so weird that I couldn't even see the guy's face even though I was staring at it. All I saw was his eyes, and I kept staring at them as they looked back at me until we both were interrupted by another person.
"What are you standing here for Brian? Why didn't you go inside? And who is this?"
I was snapped out of my trance and I heard myself quickly spoke "I'm sorry, I was about to get out of here. I'm sorry I got in your way" I tried to get away.
"It's ok! You don't have to apologize and you don't have to run away. Are you ok dude? And the name is Brian Littrel, and this is my cousin Kelvin Richardson. Nice to meet you. The shorter man with blue eyes spoke and extended his hand.
I shook it and said "Nice to meet you too. And my name is Tom." His grip was strong and firm. His hand is big yet the skin's so soft. I felt like we both held each other hand a little bit longer than necessary for a handshake. I snapped out of it and pulled it back and shook Kelvin's hand. I didn't realize that my face was stained with tears as I saw out the corner of my mind Kelvin gave me a strange look. Then I knew why he gave me that look. I raised my hand and wiped away the tears.
Brian was looking at me carefully and asked "I am sorry but I have to go and visit my friend, but are you ok?"
"I'm fine. Thank you for your concern" I said.
"No problem dude. Nice to meet you again." Brian said.
I waved to them as they both disappeared behind the door. I leaned my head against the wall again. Then the images those two blue appeared in front of me again. I was brought back to the moment when I first making love with JC. He was so gentle to me, yet rough in a way. He always made sure that I was ok, and throughout the whole lovemaking he never took his eyes off my eyes. I could see clearly the picture of JC bent down and gave me quick kisses all over my lips, my eyes, my nose and my forehead as he took long and slow strokes in and out of me. Once I n a while he would take a quick jab and plunged deep into me and sent me to heaven. I loved the way he made love to me. I loved his techniques, the combination of gentle and rough strokes. I was in heaven, he brought me to the limit of ecstasy. He gave me the experience, the pleasure I never experience before. But the thing I loved the most was the total love, attention and devotion that he gave me during our lovemaking. He showed them all through his beautiful deep blue eyes. I was mesmerized by them. I felt like I was lost in a ocean yet I felt so safe and warm. I loved it when he took out his time to give me small kisses, hugging me tightly in his strong long arms. As I flashed back at that moment, I could see that I had a big smile on my face as I leaned my head against the wall with my eyes closed. At the same time, tears began to roll down my face again.
It must be pretty if somebody sees me in that state. Here I stood smiling and crying at the same time. I couldn't even tell myself those tears were happy tears or sorrow tears. I guessed it's a combination of both. The happy tears were for the magical moments I shared with JC, and the sorrow tears were for the scary thoughts of losing JC to Justin. As I thought about that I cried harder. I felt a pair of hands touched my face and wiped the tears. I whispered softly, almost inaudible "Josh?" I reached out my hands to grab the hands that wiping the tears on my face. Still closing my eyes, I brought them up to my lips and kissed them. I held on to those hands strongly, afraid that if I loosen my grip, they would vanish.
I leaned forward and rest my head on his chest as I hugged him tightly and said "I love you. I love you so much that I'll die id I lose you. Please don't leave me JC. You promised me before that you would never leave me no matter what. I'm holding you to that promise." I pleaded between my sobs. I took a deep breath and inhaled deeply into my lung the aroma of his body, and the perfume. Then it shocked me because the smell was totally different. I could easily distinguish JC's smell without any trouble. Every little thing about him is imprinted in my brain, his face, his body, his touch, his smile and his smell. I mean everything. I could never mistake it for somebody. The person who I was holding did not possess the same smell JC does. I quickly pulled back, opened my eyes to look at the person I was holding. I was panic and terrified to realize that he wasn't JC.
I was stuttering as I tried to form the words "I'm sorry Brian. I thought you were somebody else." I was about to run away hen he stopped me and assured me "It's ok Tom! It's ok! Don't worry about it. Are you all right? Where do you live? Do you stay in the same house with JC? Do you need a ride to anywhere?" he quickly asked me a whole bunch of questions to distract me and made me forget about running away.
"Yes, I live with JC, but I don't know where to go now. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to be alone in his room" I said as I felt a quick pain in my chest as I mentioned his name.
"Let's go! I'll take you back to the hotel where I stay. You can take a nap there. You need to lie down and relax. You don't look very good" he said pulling me toward the exit as he took out a cellphone out of his pocket. He didn't give me anytime to make a decision. And in the state I was in, I couldn't think of anything. I was staggering aimlessly behind him as he spoke "Hello Kelvin! Its' me. I'm going back to the hotel right now. No, no, nothing's wrong. Ok! I'll see you later then"
He pulled me into a Limo waiting in the front, sat me down and told the driver to go back to the hotel. Then he turned to me and asked "You want something to drink Tom?"
"No thanks Brian" I said shaking my head, then leaned back against the car and closed my eyes. All the crying and worries must have exhausted me because I soon drifted off to sleep. I didn't know how long I slept until we arrived at the hotel.
Brian wanted to wake e up to get me in, but he changed his mind when he looked at me. He tried to lift me up and carried me up. Through the whole journey, I didn't wake up but I snuggled up a little as I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest.
As we got up to his room, I couldn't figure out how he did but he successfully opened the door without waking me up. He entered the room and kicked the door close, lay me gently on the bed and covered me with the blanket. He then went to the closet to grab a towel and walked into the bathroom to take a shower. When he finished, he walked out and put on some clothes then looked at my sleeping peacefully on his bed. Suddenly I began to stir a little and started to mumble "Don't leave me JC. Please don't leave me. You told me that you don't love Justin, you only love him as brother"
As I began to stir a little more, Brian approached the bed. He lay down next to me rubbing my back and whispering "It's ok Tom! It's ok! It's only a dream" I seemed to calm down a little as Brian kept rubbing my back and comforting me. `God! I wish I have somebody loves me this much. JC, I hope you know what you're doing and you won't regret it" Brian thought to himself' soon he drifted off and joined me in the dreamland.
We slept for about an hour when the door opened. Kelvin walked into the room and spoke "Come on in JC! Brian and I share this room." He stopped dead in his track and yelled "Brian! What the hell are you doing? You just met this guy and you're sleeping with him already?"
Brian and I almost jumped out of the bed to the shouting. It took me a while to get myself together to see where I was. I got a killer headache. I shook my head a few times as I heard Brian spoke "It's not what you think Kelvin. I didn't sleep with him"
"Yeah right! You're only wearing your boxers and you expect me to believe it?" Kelvin raised his voice a little bit.
As I turned my head to the direction where the conversation was, I was glued to a pair of blue eyes that were staring intensely at me. I could never forget those eyes, those were the ones that have been haunting me relentlessly. They belong to the man that I love with my whole heart.
I stood up and walked to him "I didn't sleep with Brian JC. We didn't do anything" I said softly.
"You expect me to believe that? You guys are sleeping on the same bed when there are 2 fucking beds in this room" JC screamed.
"You know that I would never cheat on you JC. You know that I would never do such a thing, and furthermore you can see that I'm fully dressed" I spoke as my eyes were getting moist.
He looked relaxed and the expression oh his face told me that he believed that I didn't' do it. The he bit his bottom lip lightly and turned his head away from me and said "I wish I could believe you TT. I think we need to take some time off" with that he turned and walked out of the room.
I was so surprised that I didn't break down or cry. I slowly sat down on the floor, pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms around my legs then stared blankly into space. Brian walked to me and put his hand on my shoulder and asked "Are you ok Tom?"
I looked at him nodded and smiled sadly.
"No, you're not. I know you're hurt deeply Tom. Cry! Cry if you want. Don't hold it back. You only hurt yourself more"
"I can't cry Brian. I want to cry so bad but I can't cry. I can't cry anymore after I realized what JC just did. I know for sure that he believed I didn't sleep with you. We know each other inside out. He know that I would never do anything to hurt him. But do you know why he said he wishes he could believe me?"
"Why?"
"Because he needs an excuse to break up with me. You couldn't see his face so you couldn't understand. He looked like he was killing himself when he said that we need to take time off. Even though he turned away so that I couldn't see his face, but I could see that he was hurting. It's like we are connected Brian. We can feel it when the other is in great pain. And I could feel his pain at that moment because I felt the same way." Brian looked shocked a little "I know it sounds crazy but believe me it's true. I think it's a good idea that JC and I are separated for the time being. He's really confused right now, and he needs time to sort out his feeling. I'm gonna go away for a while to let him make up his mind. Sooner or later he will have to tell me if he wants me or Justin. I can't do anything but wait for his decision."
"You're crazy Tom. I just hope that thing will work out for both of you" Brian shook his head in disbelief "So where are you going now?" he asked. Kelvin has left the room to give us some privacy.
"I don't know. Maybe I will go home" I answered. The earth is so huge, yet there's nowhere for me to go at that moment "Can I use your phone for a minute? I want to book a ticket." I asked Brian.
"Sure go ahead" Brian replied and stood there watching me.
I called the airport and book a flight to Virginia. Then I hung up and dial again "Hello! Mel?"
"Yeah! Who's this?" the other party answered.
"It's me Tom. Can you come to the airport and pick me up later? I want to stay over a little while"
"Sure! What time will you be here?" she quickly asked.
I gave her all the needed information. When I finished my called, I got up and said "I have to go and pack now. I will be leaving soon. Thank you very much for your help Brian."
"Hey, why don't you give me your number so we could keep in touch?" he suggested.
"Ok!"
After we exchanged the phone numbers I went to get a cab to go back to JC's house to get my clothes. When I arrived at his house, luckily he wasn't home. I took out the key he gave me and opened the door and walked in. I quickly packed my stuffs and left because I didn't want to bump into JC.
I still had a lot of time when I got to the airport. After I checked in, I still have about an hour and a half so I wandered around to kill sometime. After a while I got tired so I sat down in a lounge. I pulled out the CD player and put on the headphone. I chuckled when I realized that I still had the Backstreetboys Millennium CD in it. JC always make fun of me when I listen to this CD. He said how dare I am to listen to another boyband when I am dating him, the hottest member of the most famous group. Every time he said that I love to see the expression on his face when I told him that I couldn't help it because Brian Littrel has a beautiful voice, and not to mention he's sexy and gorgeous. Every time this happens, I end up getting a pillow in my face or he pins me down and tickles me until I beg him to stop and tell him that he is the sexiest and the most gorgeous man on earth, and Brian is nothing compared to him. God! I missed those magical moments that we shared.
I smiled as I think about how fate have brought Brian and me together. The guy is so sweet and caring. Even though I only knew him for a short period of time, I love that guy. I pressed the played button on the CD. I was so shocked when I found out that the song I put on Resume last time I listened was "I Need You Tonight" sung by Nick Carter. Nick's voice, the emotion and the feeling he put into this song always make me feel like crying every time I listen to it. I sat back, relaxed and absorbed every words of the lyrics in my mind as Nick's beautiful voice sent me into a daze.
Open up your heart to me and say what's on your mind, oh yes.
I know that we have bee through so much pain,
But I still need you in my life this time, and
Chorus
I need you tonight.
I need you right now.
I know deep within my heart
It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right
I really need you tonight
I figured out what to say to you
But sometimes the words they, they come out so wrong
Oh yes they do
And I know in time you will understand
That what we have is so right this time and
Chorus
All those endless times we tried to make it last forever more
And baby I know
I need you
I know deep within my heart
It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right
I really need you, oh
Chorus
I need you tonight, I need you, oh I need you baby
I need you right now, it's gotta be this, it's gotta be this
I know deep within my heart
No, it doesn't matter if it's wrong or it's right
All I know is baby
I really need you tonight
I had programmed the CD player to repeat the song. I listened to it over and over. I must have listened to it like ten times, and every time the words sank deeper and deeper in my heart. Every single time when I heard Nick sings the two verses "I need you tonight, I need you right now" I felt like there were thousands of knives cut through my heart. I wanted to run out of the airport and run to JC and tell him those words. I couldn't understand why I didn't do it. Maybe because I was afraid that JC would give me the answer that I dreaded to hear. Maybe I was afraid to hear that he would tell me that he has chosen Justin over me. I was about to break down. Never in my life I had known this. Never in my life I had experienced this. This wasn't pain. This wasn't pain. This was the end of everything.
That's it for now everybody. I hope you like it.