Chapter 10: Bite Me a Thousand Times But Don't Leave Me
"Why do you decide to go away now Tom? Shouldn't you be around the people you love so they could comfort you?" Brian asked me when we were driving to Virginia.
"Everybody deals with his problem in his own way Brian. When I have problems, I want to be by myself. I want to be alone so that I could think clearly, so that whatever decisions I make, I would make it on my own. I don't want to be influenced by anybody Brian. That way I won't regret whatever I decide to do later."
"I'm sorry! I didn't know" Brian said lowly.
"Sorry for what Brian?" I asked him.
"I didn't know you want to be alone. I shouldn't have asked to go with you"
"Don't be crazy Brian! I do want you to go with me" I said truthfully.
"But you just said you want to be alone when you have problems?" Brian asked confusingly.
"But I don't have any more problem Brian. I already made up my mind about leaving when I was in the hospital. I can't stay there anymore, not now. I need to be in a new environment where I could start everything new, and forget everything that has just happened. Do you mind taking over? I'm so tired now"
"Sure! You can sleep while I drive. We'll stop and eat when you wake up"
"Thanks Brian!" I said as I pulled over on the side so we could switch.
"You're welcome Tom!"
Sleep didn't come easily for me. I sat there closing my eyes trying to sleep but I couldn't. I was thinking about everything and anything. After about half an hour of trying, I gave up "Damn it! I'm so tired but I couldn't shut my damn eyes" I cursed.
"It's never easy to sleep with so many things on your mind"
"Tell me about it!"
"Are you hungry Tom? Do you want me to get off some exit and get something to eat?" Brian asked.
"Na! I'm not hungry. Are you? We can stop somewhere if you're hungry" I replied.
"I'm not hungry either. You want to talk?" Brian asked timidly.
"We better do Brian. This is a long drive. I will die from boredom if we don't" I laughed.
He snickered "What about your family Tom? Wouldn't they worry about your whereabouts?"
"I already left a note for them. I know it would upset my mom very much but I have to do this."
"Do you need anything Tom? You need…money?" Brian asked me hesitantly.
"I'm fine. I'm not rich like you, but I have some money. My grandparents left me some when they died. But thanks anyway Brian" I smiled at him.
"Tom! Wake up! Wake up!" Brian screamed.
"What? What happened?" I asked drowsily.
"You felt asleep. You've been in here for so long. I was so worried when I didn't see you come out. Hurry up! Get out or you will get sick" He urged me.
I must have slept for a while because the water was getting cold. I shivered when I stood up and walked out of the tub. Brian stepped forward and began to dry me up with the towel he grabbed nearby. Somehow I wasn't embarrassed as I stood there letting him drying me up. JC was the first one and the only one that has seen me totally naked till now. I looked at Brian's face, his face was full of concerns and worries. I wished that it wasn't Brian at that moment. I wished it was JC here drying me up instead of him.
He suddenly looked up and looked into my eyes "You wish I was him didn't you?" Brian spoke suddenly after looking at me for a little.
I was so shocked after hearing what he just said "Wow! I know that I'm easy to get over. I know that I'm easy to be replaced, but I didn't know I'm that predictable too" I mumbled.
"You're not predictable Tom. It's just that you have this look when you think about JC. And you are definitely not easy to be replaced"
"Not even two weeks Brian. He found somebody in less than two weeks already Brian" I said with a great amount of jealousy and pain.
"Trust me Tom. You're anything but easy to be replaced. I know that" Brian spoke flatly.
"It doesn't matter anyway. I told myself that I have to put everything behind. I know it will be hard but I know someday I will be able to get over him. I know someday I will be able to forget him. Thanks Brian" I said as I took the towel from his hand and began drying myself up. When I finished, I wrapped it around my lower body and walked out of the bathroom. I walked to my bags to get some clothes.
"You want to eat something? I will order it for you" Brian asked me as he followed me out into the bedroom.
"No thanks Brian. I don't feel like eating anything. I'm gonna get changed and go to sleep" I said as I went into the bathroom.
When I came out of the bathroom, Brian was sitting on the bed flipping the channels with the remote in his hand "Why did you want to take a room with two beds instead of two rooms Brian?" I asked him.
"Because I don't want you to be alone tonight Tom"
I hesitated for a few seconds then asked "Do you have feelings for me Brian?"
"Yes, I do" Brian said without any hesitation "I will be lying if I say I'm not in love with you. But you don't have to worry Tom. I won't try anything on you. Especially now, after everything that you went through. I want to be in the same room with you tonight because you're my friend, and I'm worried and concerned about you."
I sat down next to him, and sighed "I'm sorry Brian that wasn't what I was afraid of when I asked you. I really like you Brian. I wish that there's more between us, but I'm sorry I have to tell you that we can't be anything more than friends. I don't think I'm ready to start another relationship yet. I still love JC very much and I always will even if we won't get back together. I don't think I can love another person, not for a long time. I want to tell you this so that you won't waste your time with me. I hope you understand"
"I understand. I'm just happy to be your friend. I know from the beginning that there won't be a chance for us. I'm well prepared for it Tom. You don't have to worry" Brian smiled dryly "There's a reason why you wear your ring like that isn't there?" Brian asked as he pointed to the ring that JC gave me. I have taken it off my finger and wore it around my neck with the pendant.
"What made you think that there's a reason?" I smiled at him.
"Because I know you. I know the way you think. You wouldn't do it just for nothing. It has to mean something"
"Since when do you become so smart?" I laughed.
"Well?" he pressed on.
"Let's go to sleep. We have a long drive tomorrow, and I'm exhausted" I said as I got up and walked to the other bed "Good night Brian!"
"Good night Tom!"
Six months may not be a long time, but it was long enough for a person to settle down in a new place. It was long enough for a person to adapt to the new environment. For the first couple months, I tried to forget JC through smoking and drinking. But smoking only blackened my lungs, and drinking only burnt my liver. But time can heal any wound and my wound was no exception. I managed to get over him slowly with the supports of Melissa, Amy and JC. Just as I thought I finally got over him. Just as I thought I moved on with my life. He appeared in front of my door one morning.
"I'm coming!" I said when I heard the doorbell I was so shocked when I saw him.
"Hi Tom! How are you doing?"
"Very good! Very good! You?" I asked quickly.
"The same" he said sadly "Can I come in? I really need to talk to you"
"Sure! Come on in" I stepped aside to let him enter "So what bring you here?" I asked him when we sat down in the living room.
"You" he said flatly "I told you before that I wouldn't give up on you. I asked you to give me another chance before and so I'm here to ask you again."
I didn't say anything. I just sat there silently contemplating what to say.
"I used to be so happy Tom. I have everything a person wanted. I had a career that I enjoyed. I had my family and I had the person I love so much.
Everything happened so fast and I lost almost everything in such a short period of time."
"You still haven't made up with your family?" I interrupted him.
"No Tom. I was going crazy after you left. I couldn't do anything. The only thing in my mind was to find you. My mother tried to talk to me so many times but I never spoke to her since."
"You should make up with her JC. It's been a long time already. You should go back to your family. They are more important than I am"
"No Tom, nobody is more important to me than you are. You should have known that" he looked at me sadly.
"Yes JC. You can find another boyfriend but you can't find another parent or sister or brother JC. Go back and talk to your mom JC, explain to her that you're still the same JC as before. Give her a chance. She loves you."
"No, she doesn't. if she loves me, then shouldn't have acted the way she had."
"Yes, she does JC or it wouldn't have bothered her so much. She really loves you and cares about you."
"Even if I have my family back I still don't have you" he cut me off.
"We can't be together anymore JC. We are not meant for each other" I said sadly "We were together for only a short period of time and look so many things have happened. I don't think there will be a happy ending for us JC.
Like one thing I know for certain. What would you do if the media find out about us? What would you do if you have to make a decision to give up either me or your career?"
He pondered for a few seconds then looked at me and said "If there's a day that I have to come out to the whole world then I will do it. If there's a day that I have to announce our relationship, then I will do it. I will never give you up Tom."
"You have to let it go JC" I sighed "You have to forget about me. Love ends JC"
"No Tom. Love doesn't end, only you end it"
"Then you have to end your love for me too JC" I said as I took off my necklace "I've wanted to give you back this ring for so many times but I couldn't do it before. I think it's time for me to give it back to you. There's no point for me to keep it any more. I'm sorry if I hurt you when I'll say this but I have moved on JC. I loved you, and I'll always will but I don't love you at the same moment anymore. I don't think we can be together anymore" I was so surprised that I could tell him all these calmly.
He didn't say anything.
"You have to let it go. I know it's hard but if I can do it then you can do it too" I said as I gave him the ring "Someday you will find somebody, somebody who is worthy of you."
I didn't know if I should be happy or sad. I didn't know if I should be happy when I realized that I'm finally over him. It's just that I didn't feel anything, no pain, nothing. Was it really true that love ends.
"How are you feeling honey?" Amy asked me as she was laying her head in my lap.
"Good!" I answered as I ran my finger through her curly hair "Really good in fact. It's like I just lifted of a huge rock off my chest. I'm so happy that you two come. You couldn't pick a better time."
Amy sat up a little and gave me a kiss "We're glad that we came too"
"Can I kiss you?" I grinned when I asked her.
She raised an eyebrow as she looked at me then burst out laughing.
"What?" I asked innocently.
"You're just happy that you're single again aren't you?" Kenny smiled and cut in.
"You know something? I actually feel good being single again" I snickered "I mean I've been single all along, but this is the first time I really feel like it if you know what I mean"
"We know what you mean. So are you really over him?" Amy asked me.
"I think so" I said "I still love him but I have no intention of going back to him."
"Is it because of the pendant?" Kenny asked.
Kenny questioned hit me hard as I thought for a few seconds then said "I don't know. I really can't answer you that"
"I know how your mind thinks Tom. You think that you are over him but you really aren't. You just try to suppress it. You're a very spiritual person Tom, and I believe the reason you don't want to get back to him is because he broke the pendant. You would have given him another chance if he hadn't broken the pendant. But I hope you won't be hurt anymore with the decision you made"
I sat there absorbed in what Kenny just said "You may be right Kenny, but I still think that it won't work out for me and him. It's best that I finally ended it now"
"I agreed" Kenny said.
"And I know there's another reason why you don't want to go back to JC" Amy said.
"There is?" I asked surprisingly "It seemed like you two know me better than I know myself" I laughed.
"It's Brian. You're falling for him"
"No, I'm not. I told him from the beginning that we can't be anything more than friends" I argued.
"You may not notice. You may not realize it but I think Brian is the other reason. You're falling for him Tom, and I don't blame you. He's a very sweet guy, and he was always there for you when you really needed somebody. You may disagree but I do believe that he's taking an important place in your heart already."
Again I sat there silently absorbed in what Amy just said. I knew that Brian and I have gotten closer than before, but I wasn't really sure about what Amy just told me. I was still really unsure if I'm falling for Brian.
"I agree with Amy totally Tom. I've seen the way you look at him sometimes" Melissa spoke for the first time "And that's why you gave JC back his ring."
"I gave JC back his ring because there's no point in keeping it"
"And it also says that you're ready to start another relationship"
I was about to say something, but interrupted by the doorbell "I got it" Kenny got up and walked to the door.
"Hi Kenny! How are you doing"
"Brian?" Kenny exclaimed.
Amy looked at me as she raised an eyebrow "Speaking of the devil"
"I'm sorry. Come on in Brian" we heard Kenny spoke.
"Hi Tom! Hi Melissa! Hi Amy! How are you guys doing?" he greeted us.
"Hi Brian!" we all spoke at the same time.
"Sit down Brian! You want something to drink?" Melissa asked him.
"No thanks! I'm fine!"
"What are you doing here Brian?" I asked him "Why didn't you give me a call before you come?"
"I just want to surprise you. We have a little break, and I haven't seen you for a long time so I decided to come and visit me. I hope I'm not coming at a bad time" he smiled.
"You couldn't come at a better time" Amy mumbled.
"I'm sorry?"
"Nothing. Nothing" Amy quickly explained "I said you're here just at the right time. We're about to go out and have dinner. You want to join us Brian?"
"Sure! Where are we going?"
"We don't know yet. What are we having guys?" Amy asked.
"Chinese" Kenny quickly gave his suggestion.
"Brian, Mel. what about you two?" Amy asked them.
"Chinese is fine to me" Brian answered.
"I don't care. I'll eat anything" Melissa giggled.
"You don't have to tell us Mel. We know you really well by now" I laughed "What about you Amy? What do you want?" I asked her as I ran my fingers through her curly hair.
"Are you up for Sushi?"
"You know it's my favorite Amy, but what about Brian? Can you eat Sushi Brian?"
"Uh…uh…I've never had it, but I can try" he said hesitantly.
"You don't have to eat Sushi if you don't want to Brian. They have kitchen food. You can order those" I said.
"You two suck. You never take my suggestion" Kenny whined.
"I don't know about Amy, but I haven't for a long time Kenny" I snickered.
Kenny rolled his eyes and gave me the middle finger.
"Tempting! Tempting! But no thanks" I laughed.
"Ok! If we don't have Chinese, at least can we go and see a movie after dinner? Don't you two dare to say no?"
Amy and I grinned at each other then we both said at the same time "NO."
"You know this is freaking unfair. I have to find a new friend who will back me up. I can't rely on that fish over there" Kenny said as he pointed to Melissa "And forget about this dude. He's too nice. He goes along with anything. You two are always ganging up against me. I have to find somebody so it will be two against two" Kenny whined and pouted.
"Ok! Ok! We will go to a movie afterward Kenny. Stop being such a baby" I said.
"Hehehe! I know I will get you if I put you on a guilt trip Tom"
"Ok! What movie are we seeing guys" I asked.
"How about X-Men? I want to see James Marsden in that tight leather outfit. Hmm yummy!" Kenny closed his eyes to create a mental picture of his obsession for James Marsden.
"Na! I want to see The Gladiators. I heard it's really good" Amy said.
"Oh boy! Here it goes again" I mumbled.
"Shut up woman! You can never let me enjoy a little excitement of seeing my man can you?" Kenny crossed his arms looking at Amy.
"Yup! That's my mission for getting into this life. Making your life miserable" Amy grinned.
"And you're doing a really good job mate" Kenny laughed as he walked behind Amy to hug her and gave her a kiss "Since I love you so much, we can watch The Gladiators."
"Thanks god for Russell Crowe and his muscle" I snickered knowing why Kenny gave in so easily.
"You know me too well huh Tommy boy?" Kenny nodded as he grinned at me.
"What about you two? What do you want to see?" I asked Melissa and Brian.
"Gladiators is good" both of them answered.
"I don't know why you even bother to ask them Tom. You know they go along with everything. That fish doesn't have a mind of her own, and I told you forget about Brian. He's too nice"
"I do have a mind of my own thank you very much Kenny" Melissa stuck her tongue out at Kenny.
He quickly tried to grab it with his index finger and his thumb, but she managed to back away "Lucky you! If I had gotten hold of that tongue I would have stretched so long that you would have become a Mutant and marry that Toad in X-men" Kenny laughed.
The film was pretty good, and everybody was really captured by it. While I was very deep into the film, I rested my arm on the armrest, just to find that Brian had his arm there already. But the armrest was big enough so I left it there. I could sense the presence of his arm. The warmth, heat emancipated from his arm attracted my attention from the film, but I quickly ignored it. After a while, Brian moved a little and repositioned himself. I didn't know if he did it on purpose or it was an accident, but he moved his arm a little too close to me on the armrest. Part of his arm was now resting on my arm, and I could feel the soft layer of hair on his arm. The sensation was so nice and warm. I was thinking at what Amy and Kenny told me back home. I wondered if I was really falling for him. I was so deep into my thoughts that I totally forgot about the film and forgot to draw my arm away. We stayed like that for a few minutes, suddenly Brian moved his arm around a little and held my hand gentle. His fingers slowly moved in between my fingers as he gently wrapped them around my fingers. We continued to hold hands as we watched the movie, but the movie became irrevalent. Once in a while Brian would squeeze my hand gently. The feeling was really nice, and I really liked it. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Brian smile happily when I looked at him. I suddenly experienced a feeling inside of me that I couldn't understand, a feeling of confusion, awkwardness and happiness. I realized that I did have feeling for Brian, but at the same time I was trying to hold it back. Half of me was aching of longing to be with him while the other half was doing everything it could to stop me from being with Brian, the half that was still loving JC.
"That was a really good movie" Kenny said when we were outside of the theater.
"Yeah it was a really excellent movie. It was the best movie I've ever seen" Brian said excitedly as he looked at me.
I didn't know why but I turned away to evade his eyes. I didn't know why but I felt uneasy looking at him. Through the whole drive home, he was really quiet. I didn't participate in any conversation as I kept looking outside through the window. Millions of thoughts ran through my mind. When I turned my head back in and looked at him, I saw he was staring at me. I nodded and smiled at him.
That night after everybody said goodnight and went to sleep, Brian and I stayed behind and sat in the living room.
"I think we need to talk Brian" I told him.
He just nodded.
I took a few seconds trying to come up with what I wanted to say while Brian sat there silently "I have to tell you something Brian. I just gave JC back his ring a few days ago. I really ended my relationship with him for good this time. I want to be honest and tell you that I just found out that I have feeling for you just before you came through the conversation with Amy and Melissa. But as much as I like you Brian, I don't know if I'm ready to start a new relationship right now."
"I was really happy back then in the theater Tom. I thought I was dreaming, and I love every second I held your hand. I know that you've been hurt, and I know that you're scared to start a new relationship. But you can't let the past interferes with what you're having now. I know that you loved JC, and you'll always love him. I know that your heart was broken. I want to be the person to heal your heart Tom. I want to be the harbor that you can anchor after traveling for so long. Just give me a chance to show you my love for you. I promise you I will try to make you happy Tom" Brian spoke softly as he has moved closer and held my hands "Give me, give you, give us a chance"
I was really touched by his words. All I could do was nodded.
"Thank you Tom" Brian said happily as he leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on my lips. I looked at him when he pulled back, his face was full of tenderness and love. He sighed as he pulled me in and hugged me. I also sighed happily and rest my head on his shoulder as his arms wrapped gently around me.
"It's really late Brian. I think you should go" I said after a while.
"When can I see you again tomorrow?"
"How about we will have lunch tomorrow together? Just the two of us, then we can decide what to do for the rest of the day after lunch."
"Sound good to me. I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight Tom"
"Goodnight Brian. I'll see you tomorrow" I said as I walked him to the door.
He suddenly wrapped my arms and pulled me in to kiss me. This wasn't a soft kiss like the first one. His lips pressed tightly against mine, and I felt his tongue slowly licked my lips. I opened my mouth to let his tongue enter. We kissed passionately for a while. Brian sighed when we pulled back "I wish that I could stay here tonight. I wish that I could sleep by your side tonight while holding you in my arms. But I know that you're not ready for that yet. Oh! I've been dreaming about that for so long Tom. I can't wait till that happens. I can't wait till I'll be able to hold you close to me in my sleep" there was a tremendous amount of love in his voice.
"Someday Brian. Someday" I said moved by his words.
"Can I kiss you again? Just one last one before I go. One last one to remember how you taste so I can dream about you all night tonight"
"You don't have to ask Brian"
I slept really good that night. I haven't felt so good like that after waking up for a long time. I sat in the living room sipping my coffee and read the morning paper. Everybody else was still sleeping even though it was nine something already. Suddenly the bell rang. I wondered who it could be at this early in the morning. I walked to the door and looked through the little window on the door. I couldn't believe my eyes as I saw Tyler stood outside. I quickly opened the door.
"Hi Tom! How are you doing?" he greeted me.
"I'm very good. Thank you Tyler. How are you doing? And what are you doing here?"
"I came here to look for you Tom. I really want to talk to you"
I thought for a few seconds and said "You want to wait inside for a little while? I'll go and get change then we can go and talk in a coffee shop nearby"
"Sure!"
"K! I'll be right down"
"So what brings you here Tyler?" I asked him when we were at the café. We have chosen a very secluded table.
"You can guess what brings me here Tom. I know you have a very good idea why I'm here today" Tyler answered.
I suddenly became very worried. I panically asked "Something happened to him?"
"No, no, nothing bad happens to him. Actually I should say yes. I mean he's not physically hurt so you don't have to worry" Tyler quickly explained.
I sighed in relief "Then what happens Tyler? Why are you here?"
"He told me that you two broke up for good this time. He told me that there's no more chance for you two anymore. Is it true?"
"Yes Tyler. Is that why you're here? What did he say? Are you coming here to blame me or something?" I said harshly.
"NO, NO" Tyler quickly said "It's not why I'm here. I just came here to ask you if there's any way you can give him another chance. I just came here to ask you if there's any chance you'll take him back"
"Huh?" I was so shocked at what Tyler just said.
"He was devastated when he came back from seeing you Tom. He was devastated when he came home crying. He hasn't been home for a long time. Not even once since we found out about you and him. He has never spoken to us since then. He cried so much when he came home Tom. You should have seen him when he was pleading for my mom, for us to help him. It was breaking my heart. I've never seen JC cry before, not even once in my whole life. Do you know what he told us?" Tyler asked me softly and I could see his eyes were watering.
"After he got in the house and saw my mom, he fell down and cried. Then he pleaded to my mother. I still remembered every single word he said. He said 'Mom, I need your help. Please help me Mom. Please help me. I need him. I need him so bad. Please Mom, please help me to get him back. I'll go crazy without him Mom. I'll die if I don't have him. I don't think I can live anymore without him Mom.' I've never seen him hurt like that before Tom. Please Tom, I'm begging you.
Please give him another chance. He told me everything happened. He was really sorry that he didn't give you a chance to explain what happened between you and Ethan. He was really sorry with what he's done to you Tom. Now he's dying for a chance to make it up to you. If you love him, please give him another chance"
I sat there motionlessly. I couldn't say anything.
"Was it because of the pendant? You don't want to get back to him because he broke the pendant?" Tyler asked.
"It's only one of the reasons Tyler" I said.
"I know from what Justin, Lance and Josh told me that you're a very spiritual person. I know that the pendant means a lot to you. I know that it symbolizes everything, but it's still an object Tom. You shouldn't let it determine the true happiness you can have with him. No matter what the pendant is already broken. You shouldn't let that broken pendant breaks your love. What you two have are real and more important. What he and you have is worth much more than that pendant. Please consider what I'm asking Tom"
"I don't know Tyler. I'm really confused right now. I love JC. I'll love him for the rest of my life. There's no doubt about that. But I don't know if I can get back with him. I can't tell you yes Tyler. I have to think about it. I'm sorry I need to go now" I quickly excused myself. I needed to go away to think about what Tyler just told me.
"When can I see you again? When can I talk to you again?" Tyler asked.
"I don't know Tyler. I'm sorry but I can't tell you anything now"
"Ok! Here's my number. Please call me if you need to talk to me" Tyler gave me a piece of paper with his number on it.
"K! Bye Tyler"
After I said good bye to Tyler, I was so confused. I didn't know what I should do. I walked around aimlessly for hours, went to see movies that I couldn't remember anything about them. When I got out of the movie theater, it was 9 something at night. I totally forgot about lunch with Brian. As I dragged my exhausted body home, anger and rage suddenly rushed to me. How could this happen to me? Just as I was about to move on with my life, JC appeared and disrupted everything I've been trying to build. What would happen to Brian and me? We weren't even given a chance for our relationship to thrive. I questioned myself if I really began to love Brian? Or am I just using him to get over JC? Yes I believed that in my heart, I have a spot for Brian. I do believe that I began to love him. But I knew for sure that he could never replace JC. Nobody could ever replace him. Then I realized that I've been lying to myself the entire time because I realized that the harder I tried to forget JC, the more I missed him, and the more I wanted to go back to him.
But I was so scared. I was so scared of getting hurt again. I could make it last time, but if it ever happens again, I doubt that I will make it through another breakup with him. It has been over six months, yet the wound was still fresh like yesterday. I had endured enough pain through the breakup to last for a lifetime. I would never want to relive that again. I didn't even notice that I have pulled off in front of the house. I was surprised that I hadn't got into an accident while I was driving with so many things on my mind. I leaned back in the chair and sighed in frustration. When I got in the house I was so shock to see Brian was waiting for me in the living room. I felt so guilty when I saw him.
"I'm sorry Brian, I forgot about our lunch"
"It's ok Tom" he quickly cut me off "I met Tyler and we talked. I understand. I booked a ticket for you already. You'll be leaving at 10 o'clock in the morning. You should go and see him" he stopped talking and looked away sadly.
I just sat there in disbelief. I couldn't understand why Brian did what he did "Why do you want me to go and see him? What makes you think that I want to see him?" I said loudly and angrily. I just wanted to blame on somebody for the anger inside of me, and there wasn't anybody else better than Brian.
"I know you want to see him Tom or it wouldn't bother you this much" he explained.
"Aren't you afraid that if I see him, I'll get back with him. Then there won't be a chance for you and me. Haven't you thought about that?" I asked wonderingly.
"Yes, I thought about it" he nodded sadly.
"Then why did you do it?"
"Because I know that you still love him very much and it's been killing you since you talked to Tyler"
"But what about you and me? I thought that you love me too. Don't you love me Brian? Why are you pushing me into his hand?"
"Off course I love you Tom. I love you very much. But love is not seizing. Love is not taking Tom. Love is giving. When you love somebody, his happiness is your happiness. I don't know if you will be happy if you're with me, but I know for sure that you will be if you're with him. I love you Tom and I want you to love me too. I can't make you forget JC because I know that would be impossible. What I want to say is I already decided Tom. I'll be waiting for you. I will stand by whatever decision you make. If you decide to go back to JC, I will be happy for you and wish you all the best. But if you find it in your heart that you love me, if you find it in your heart that there will be a chance for us to be together, then you know how to contact me. I will be waiting for your decision" Brian finished as tears rolled down his face.
I couldn't say anything. I was speechless as I sat there looking at him. I could never imagine how much he loves me. I used to think that nothing could compare to the love I have for JC. I used to think that nobody loves somebody else as much as I love JC. But how wrong I was! I remembered once I told JC that he could sleep with Justin if he wants to. I thought that I did it for love. I did it because I didn't want to see JC suffered. But now I realized that I did it because I was selfish. I did it because I was afraid of losing him. I made the offer so that JC would still stay with me, so that he wouldn't leave me. Now when I saw what Brian did for me, I felt so ashamed of myself. Here I was, always thinking that I'm a Romeo, a killer for romance, and I would do anything for love, only to find out that I'm nothing but a fool.
When I looked at Brian, he smiled at me sadly. His face was so sad, so sad that I couldn't even describe it. "Oh Brian! I wish that we had met earlier. I wish that fate had brought us together sooner, then we would have never been as miserable as we are now" I said as I approached him. I held his face with my hands and looked deeply into his eyes. I pulled him closer to kiss him. I've never kissed anybody else beside JC, and I've never intended to, and Brian was the second person that i kiss. There was something about Brian that attracted me so much beside his good look, and that was his golden heart. He is the sweetest, the most caring and genuine person I've ever seen.
We were so into the kiss that I didn't even realize that I have pushed him down on the sofa as I lay on top of him. I began to unbutton his shirt as my hands soon explored his muscular chest and his strong firm back.
His skin felt so smooth and silky when it came in contact with my hands. I didn't even notice that I have begun to grind my crotch into his as my hands slowly reached for the buttons of his pants, but I was stopped by Brian's hands.
"I'm sorry Tom. I would love to make love to you but I can't do that now. I can't do that until I know that you're mine. I can't do that until I know that you belong to me and you have given me your heart" Brian spoke sincerely.
"I can tell you for sure that I love you Brian. I never love anybody else beside JC, but I know for sure now that I love you so much. I want to make love to you Brian. I want to prove to you that I truly love you. Even if it doesn't work out between us, even if I go back to JC, I still want to be with you, just for one. I want to keep this memory in my mind for the rest of my life even if I'm with JC." He sighed sadly "How could you say that Tom? Do you realize that your words make me feel so happy, so happy, yet at the same time they are like thousands of daggers stabbing into my heart?"
I was so confused by his words that I couldn't say anything.
"You don't know how happy you make me feel when you told me you love me Tom. But I know for sure this time when you go to see him, you'll get back to him. If we make love, this may be a sweet memory for you. You may want to remember for the rest of your life but I won't Tom. It's already hard enough for me to try not to love you anymore than I do right now. It's already hard enough for me to hand you to him, I don't think I have enough strength to go through what you're asking. How will I be able to live for the rest of my life with this memory without you by my side if we make love?
But if that's what you want, then I do it, I do anything you ask Tom because I love you that much. Even if I have to suffer for the rest of my life remembering you, I won't regret it" Brian poured his heart out as he caressed my cheeks with the back of his fingers, wiping slowly away some tears that have began to roll down my face.
Again, I was so shocked after I heard what he told me. I would have never imagined he loves me this much. I felt down on his chest as I cried and cried, flooding his chest with my tears. He let me cry on his chest as his hands rubbed my back slowly making me cry even more "I'm so sorry Brian.
I'm so sorry. Why am I so stupid? Why do I keep hurting the people I love so much?" I said through my sob. "You're right Brian. We shouldn't do this. I want my first time with you to be special. I want my first time with you to be followed another one, and another one. But could you do something for me Brian?"
"Anything Tom. Name it and it's yours"
"Can you stay here with me tonight? I want you to hold me when I'll sleep tonight"
"I would love to Tom" he smiled.
Later that night, I felt so happy when I got into the bed with Brian. He pulled me into his strong arms as I snuggled close against his body. I pressed my face tightly against his chest while I wrapped my arms around him.
"Goodnight Tom!"
"Goodnight Brian! And I love you" I said as I kissed his heart. I felt his grip tightened a little.
The next morning when I was about to get on the plane, I couldn't bear to look at Brian. Have you seen the video "Show me the meaning of being lonely"? The expression on Brian's face was similar to the one when he pushed the hospital door open and walked out. His face was so sad, so sad that I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I waved goodbye to him and quickly walked away after hearing his last words "I'll wait for your decision."
I flopped down on my seat and closed my eyes. I realized that my love for Brian was getting stronger and stronger by the second. I was really confused because I couldn't decide whom I would want to be with. I knew that if I choose Brian, I could still live very happy with him. But what's about JC? I really want to go back to him. I do want to give us another chance. I wondered at myself how it is possible that I could love tow person so much at the same time.
I took out my cellphone and dialed Justin's number "Hello Justin?"
"Tom? Is that you?" Justin asked excitedly.
"Yes, it's me Justin" I laughed as I pictured Justin's innocent face "Can you do me a favor?"
"It's yours dude!" he said flatly.
"Thanks Justin! You're awesome. Can you come and pick me up at the airport?"
"Oh my God! Oh my God! Off course I can pick you up. I can't believe it. I can't believe you're coming" he was screaming so loud that I had to take the phone away from my ear.
"Calm down Justin! And thank you dude" I laughed and gave him the time and flight number.
"You're welcome anytime bro" "Ok! I'll see you later Justin. Take care Justin and I love you heaps"
"I love you too Tom, and I'll see you later" When I arrived at the airport, I looked around for Justin. I had a feeling that he wasn't alone. Soon I spot him and Lance stood at a corner and it looked like the saw me coming out so they approached me. Both of them were wearing hats that hid half of their faces. I wouldn't recognize them if I hadn't expected them here. Justin pulled me into a hug that almost suffocated me.
"Oh! Let me go Justin! You're killing me here" I laughed.
"I'm so happy to see you again Tom" he patted on my back before letting go off me.
"Same here Justin, same here" I said as I walked over to Lance and gave him a hug.
"Good to see you again Tom. Now let's get out of here before we're mobbed' Lance was put in the control mode immediately.
"Ok! Let's go!"
Once we were in the car, Justin asked me immediately "So what makes you change your mind and come to see him?"
That's what I love about Justin. He's innocent, straightforward, very loyal, and very concerned about his friends. I'm so glad that we became friends despite everything that happened between us. "I talked to Tyler yesterday" I didn't say anything more.
"Oh!" that was all Justin said. He dropped the subject because he knew I didn't want to talk about it.
The rest of the drive, the three of us talked about everything that has happened in our lives since we last saw each other. We were so engaged in the conversation I didn't even notice that we arrived. When i saw the car stopped, I couldn't understand why but my body was stiffened. I became very nervous. I didn't know what I was going to say when I meet him. Lance saw this because he patted on my shoulder and said "It's ok Tom!"
When I entered the house, I was startled because I was lifted up in the air by Joey. He spinned me around. I couldn't help but laughed so hard when he put me down.
"You should have called earlier Tom so Chris and I could go and pick you up too."
"Yeah! We came here immediately the minute Curly told us" Chris said as he pulled me into a hug.
"I haven't seen you guys for a long time, and this is how you tow treat me. You started the blame game the second you saw me? Can't you at least ask how I am first before putting me on a guilt trip here?" I joked.
"Fine! Fine! Fine! Joey and I are fine. How are you doing? We're actin like this because we're so happy to see you. Geesh! Please forgive our manners." Chris said as he threw up his hands up in the air.
We all laughed at his stupid gesture. I looked around and couldn't find JC anywhere "Where's he guys?" I asked lowly.
The room immediately got quiet as everybody looked at me "He's sleeping in his room" Lance spoke softly.
"I'm sorry guys. I'll talk to you later. I really want to see him now"
They all nodded, and nobody said anything. I walked away sadly. I turned around and smiled at them before I went upstairs into JC's bedroom. I knocked on the door, but he didn't answer so I just opened the door and let myself in. my face grimaced as I looked around the room. Alcohol bottles and clothes were scattered all over the bed and floor. The room was strongly filled with the smell of alcohol and dirty laundry and stale air. The shades were down. I walked to the windows and pulled them up a little to let fresh air get in. JC was lying on his stomach. His face was pressed into the pillow. Suddenly I became so nervous. I didn't know what I should do. Should I wake him up? Even if I wake him up what am I gonna say? I sighed heavily as I sat down in a corner, leaning my back against the wall. I just sat there looking at his motionless body, sleeping on the bed. I didn't know how long I sat there but I knew I sat there for a long time.
Time seemed to fly so slowly as I sat there planning in my head so many things I want to tell him when he wakes up. My heart jumped when JC stirred. He suddenly sat up in a crouching position, grabbing his head with both hands. He sat like that for about fifteen minutes then he flopped back down on the bed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a box. He opened it and stared at the object inside the box. Since I sat in the opposite direction, I couldn't see what was inside.
He sighed after looking at the box for a while "How could I be so stupid? How could I throw away the most beautiful thing that comes in my life"
The whole time I just sat there like a statue watching every little movements he made.
"Why didn't you give me another chance baby? I know that I don't deserve it but you're the most forgiving person I've ever seen. I thought you would have forgiven me. I thought you would have given me another chance. All I need is five minutes to explain everything. All I need is five minutes to make it up to you. If only you have given me five minutes TT. Everything would work out" he sobbed.
"You will have the rest of your life to make it up to me" I suddenly spoke.
JC quickly sat and looked at me. He stared at me for a few seconds, then he rubbed his eyes. Both of us got up at the same time as we walked slowly to each other. Tears began to roll down my face as the vision of him became blurry, and I saw tears also rolled down his cheeks. I ran to his open arms. We quickly held on to each others as if we're afraid if we loosen our grip, the other would vanish. Then I cried into his chest as he kissed frantically on my head while he also poured his heart out. We cried and cried. Finally I pulled back a little and looked at him.
When he saw me looking at him, he smiled and said "I miss you baby. I miss you so much"
I didn't say anything as I moved forward and bit his shoulder. I bit so hard that I could feel all the muscle in his body contracted as he fought against the pain. Yet he didn't stop me from biting him. He didn't say anything as he let me continue to bite his shoulder. When I let go of his shoulder, I cried again. I cried so much that my body was shaking.
JC kept wiping the tears away from my face with his thumbs, and said "I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry for hurting you this much. If it makes you feel better, then bite me again. Bite me a hundred times, bite me a thousand times but don't leave me. Please tell me you come and take me back. Please tell me you come and save me from this misery. That pain is nothing compared to the pain my heart feels. Please don't leave me my love" he was pleading desperately to me as he fell down on his knees. His arms wrapped tightly around my legs. His face pressed hard into my stomach as he cried.
I ran my fingers through his hair "I love you too Joshua Scott Chases.
I love you so much. Yes you're right when you said that the pain from the biting is nothing compared to the pain your heart feels. If you ever leave me again, just remember the pain on your shoulder and multiply it by a thousand times. Because that how painful you'll hurt me if you leave me."
That's it for now everybody. I know it was a long time since the last chapter, but i made up for it. I stayed up till two something to finish this chapter. I hope you will like it. It's not as good as i wanted it to be since i'm rushing to send it in. I've been thinking about writing a separate story that have Brian and Tom together instead of JC and Tom getting back together. I don't know if it's a good idea.