The last message had been from Alex. He'd called only a few minutes after leaving me and the motel, reiterating that he'd be back soon and hoping that I was planning on catching some much needed sleep. He'd also mentioned the money he'd left, which was gone now, as being for food. He didn't want me eating the cold burgers and fries from earlier, and was concerned that I hadn't eaten enough. I needed to hear his voice right now and listened to his words several times over as I knelt low behind the concrete retaining wall. But his recorded voice did little to calm me. I stuffed the phone back down into my pocket, being careful not to raise my head above the wall as I did so, and then watched the intense beam of light being projected from the searchlight in silence. The huge bright light glided back and forth, illuminating the concreted area several feet in front of me, the implanted wooden paths further ahead, and even stretching out to shine on the calm dark waters of the man-made harbour.
Finally, after several worrying minutes, the bright circle of light blinked off, leaving the darkness to once again swallow my surroundings. I remained motionless all except for my uncontrollable shivering, the coldness of the concrete I sat on seemed to radiate straight through me, penetrating deep into my very bones. Listening to the idling hum of the engine behind me I waited for the sound of the car doors opening, but I heard nothing to indicate that they were exiting their vehicle. They'd given up. Logically I knew that the police were probably only suspicious of the figure they'd seen dart away at the sight of their car, as any normal person doing nothing wrong wouldn't flee as I had. Obviously though they weren't overly concerned, not enough to step foot from the safety of their vehicle anyhow.
Perhaps I shouldn't have run, they probably wouldn't have taken any notice of me if I hadn't, but I couldn't take the chance that it was one of the cops I knew, that they had spoken to Johnathan and were keeping an eye out for me. I rubbed my face, a pitiful attempt to relieve my tired, aching eyes. Some part of me knew that I was just being paranoid, but I got like that when I was drinking. I didn't think things over like I normally would; my first reaction was always the one I flowed with, usually to regret later. Later when I was sober. But right now, with the muffled buzz consuming my mind in full effect, I could justify practically anything I did. I told myself that if I hadn't run it was still highly likely that the cops would have stopped me anyway, to ask, as casually as possible, what I was doing out here at night. With the bottle of alcohol I was carrying I couldn't risk the chance of them forcing me to tip it out. The alcohol was the only thing mollifying my mind, the only thing calming me now that Alex wasn't here.
Suddenly my heart fluttered in my chest as my phone began to ring. The sound only intensified as I pulled it from my pocket, hastily mashing the buttons to silence the unwelcome noise. For a brief moment I'd almost forgotten about the police and that I was meant to be hiding, but the loud intrusive sound of the phone immediately brought me back from my wandering thoughts. I took another swig from the bottle as I listened for the sound of the car behind me, or anything that could mean that the cops had heard the phone. But I heard nothing, not even the sound of the car anymore.
I made no movement other then to bring the bottle back up to my lips. In the distance I could hear vehicles moving about the city behind me, I could hear someone calling out further around the side of the lake, too distant to be related to me, in fact the closest and most consistent sound, as I was far enough away from where the boats and ferries docked, was that of the dark water ahead quietly lapping against the stones. Finally I stood, glancing behind me to see the elevated car park. There were no cars, not even the police car, parked on the gravel beyond the wall. I was alone.
Clutching the bottle in one hand and my phone in the other I moved away from the protection the wall had afforded me. Stumbling out across the concrete plaza to the edge of the lake I felt like I was out there trying to walk on the water. It was as if the ground beneath my shoes was a large rug being pulled out from under me. I smiled, enjoying the feeling of vertigo, my mind wandering again. I avoided coming here to the harbour during daylight hours; it was always crowded with people trawling through the many small shops that sprung up to litter this space by day. I hated crowds, they made me feel more claustrophobic then anything else, but here at night it was quieter. At least where I was anyway.
I loved the water, and under the blanket of night I came to an unsteady halt a few feet from it. Smooth brown stones descended slowly to the lakes edge, the only thing separating my shoes from the actual water. In the darkness I could barely see where the large stones ended and the murky dark water begun, the gentle sound it made leisurely slapping against the smooth stones being my only guide. I closed my eyes and pictured the beach as I took another drink. I loved the beach and this harbour was a poor substitute. If only I had my car then I could go and see the real thing. I could forget almost anything by standing barefoot on the sand, watching the rolling waves come crashing in, closing my eyes and listening to the roar they created, smelling the cool salt air as it swept over my skin and invaded my nostrils. I opened my eyes, staring out across the calm, dark waters, wishing I was far away from here, from the city. With Alex by my side.
Taking another drink I tried to clear my mind of everything. I didn't want to think about my family. The alcohol helped, it was like a brick wall that held my problems back, but there were gaps in the wall, bricks missing that allowed my troubles to constantly peek through. I could cover them up, think of something else, but the intrusion of reality kept slipping back through. Especially now, as my phone ringing wasn't as easy to ignore. It made me think of Jamie.
Here on the western most side of the city, in what was known as the industrial section, I was at least a thirty minute walk away from the Bela Theatre. I had planned on meeting Jamie, but feeling so weighed down with my troubled thoughts I'd deviated toward spending Alex's money on alcohol first, which subsequently had muffled the turmoil in my mind as well as rendering the concept of time irrelevant. Staring down at the phone in my left hand I rubbed my eyes, squinting at the screen until I made out the number. It was Jamie. It was also well after 10pm, I was more then just simply late to meet up with him.
I shivered from the cold breeze blowing in off the water. I took another drink from the bottle, warming my mouth and throat, but it did little to warm the rest of me. I knew I couldn't stay out here too much longer, and not just because of the cold. Alex would hopefully be back soon, I could almost feel warm just imagining his arms wrapped snugly around me. Almost. There was also Jamie. Would he still be waiting for me? I had mixed emotions about seeing him; subconsciously this was probably why I'd pushed it to the back of my mind. I wanted to see him, but didn't know what to expect. He would probably try and talk me into going home, maybe even continue to try and fruitlessly make me believe that Alex could possibly hurt me. Maybe he would even question me about liking another guy in the first place, something I felt quite certain he wouldn't understand no matter what I said or how I tried to explain it.
Slowly rocking back and forth I made no reaction as the phone began to ring from my pocket again. It sounded distant, and took awhile to register, but when it did I pulled it out quickly, well almost, my fingers felt numb and I nearly dropped it.
For a split second a spark of hope leaped in my chest, it could be Alex, I hadn't checked the number before answering, it took too long and wasted time to try and focus on the small screen. But it wasn't Alex.
`Logan?' It was Jamie. I was slightly disappointed, but I also knew that I needed to speak to him as well.
`Yeah.' I had so much to say, least of all apologise for not showing up. But in my muddled state I internally struggled over what to say first, so much so that Jamie spoke up before I could say anything.
`I'm sorry Logan, don't hate me. He's gone now; please tell me where you are?'
What?' Maybe I had had too much to drink; maybe I'd passed beyond the brink of not only thinking rationally but hearing things rationally too, because I was at a total loss as to what Jamie meant. What are you talking about?'
`You mean you didn't come?'
`What?'
I thought...' There was a silent pause. You mean you didn't even come here to meet me?'
No, sorry, time just went too fast, are you still there?' My brain seemed to be running slowly, but finally his words began to seep though. Who is gone and what are you sorry for?'
Jamie was breathing heavily, as if he'd just been running, and there was also a familiar noise in the background, something I couldn't quite single out. I was worried about you.' Another pause, longer then before. I'm sorry, I had to tell him. When I didn't see you outside the Theatre I guessed that you'd seen dad in the car and taken off again.'
What?' I stared out over the water, seeing the darkened smudge of a ferry growing in the distance. Jamie's words ran through my brain several times over before they began to make sense, but even then I found it hard to believe them. You told Johnathan? He's there with you? He would have been there if I'd gone to meet you?' I spoke quickly, my words all running together as a sense of panic rose in my chest.
`I'm sorry, but I had to tell him. He's really worried about you, so am I.'
No,' I shook my head in disbelief. How could you tell him? I trusted you!' It was the last thing I had expected, and all I could think of was how close I had come to actually meeting Jamie. Johnathan would have been there too. What would have happened then? The possibilities flittered through my mind, all ending the same way, with me being forced to go back home. I'm never going home.' The gentle ambience of the harbour made my voice sound loud to me, but I didn't think I was actually yelling. Just tell Johnathan to leave me alone, he can't make me do anything, not anymore.'
A loud horn suddenly blasted through the cool night air, causing me to shudder and swear under my breath. I'd been absently watching the ferry come in but still was startled by the sound of its horn. I took another drink, I was too highly-strung, I needed to calm down. Johnathan hadn't found me, I reminded myself, he wouldn't find me. Soon Alex would be back and everything would be okay. That wasn't entirely true, but right now I couldn't think of anything more comforting then having Alex here beside me.
He just wants to talk to you.' Jamie pleaded. Why can't you just talk to him?'
Where are you? Are you in a car?' That was the background noise I had recognised, why hadn't I picked up on what it was straight away? You're still with Johnathan aren't you?'
Jamie's hesitation before he spoke was all the confirmation I needed. `Please just tell me where you are?' Jamie asked more quietly.
I dropped my hand, still holding the phone, down to my side. He was in the car with Johnathan. They were looking for me. I didn't want to speak to Jamie anymore, but something stopped me from simply hanging up on him. Staring out across the calm waters to the darkened shape of the huge ferry docked in the distance I let go of the phone. It clattered to the ground beside me. I sat down next to it, not caring if it still worked or not, and took another long drink. I needed to think. I pulled the now crumpled packet of cigarettes from my pocket, lighting one and inhaling deeply. Drawing my knees in close to my chest I hugged them loosely in a futile attempt to stop my body from shivering.
I looked back to the phone lying face down on the concrete beside me. I didn't want to see Johnathan; the last thing I wanted was for him to find me. The city was a large place, but still I couldn't stop myself from thinking the worst, thinking that he would find me, either here or when I walked the streets back to the motel. Placing the bottle down next to the phone I picked it back up and held it to my ear. `You still there?'
Jamie answered quickly. `Yes, what are you doing?'
`What are you and Johnathan doing?' I repeated, flicking ash out into the water.
`Trying to find you.' Jamie said reluctantly.
Well stop trying. I'm not going to speak to Johnathan.' It felt strange knowing that Johnathan was right there with Jamie but had so far refrained from talking to me himself. Maybe he knew that I would hang up on him if he did. I'm drunk Jamie, and the last thing I want to do is talk to him. I don't care what he thinks about Alex, it's not going to stop me seeing him, I just don't even want to hear it.' Maybe if I wasn't so drunk I would have been more receptive, but right now I could feel only anger and frustration toward both Jamie and Johnathan. `He doesn't know Alex like I do.'
`Okay, I get it, I won't even say his name. If Dad promises not to as well could you meet us then?'
`That won't happen. All he wants to do is make me hate Alex, both of you hate that I'm with a guy, it wouldn't even matter who it was.'
`No, I don't hate that you're with some guy, I just don't get it, you haven't even talked to me about it.'
`I could have, tonight if you hadn't told Johnathan.'
`I said I was sorry, but I had too. He's really worried about you. Why can't we just talk now? I could meet you back at the CCM.'
No, I don't feel like talking.' I paused as his exact words finally made an impact. He'd mentioned the CCM, the Central City Motel, the place me and Alex were staying. How do you know what motel I've been staying in?'
I couldn't go back there now. I had to get out of this city, go some place where he wouldn't be able to find me. I lowered the phone, this time being sure to switch it off. Where could I go? I needed my car, but I couldn't risk going back home to get it. Familiar feelings of dread swept over me as I sat staring out at the water without actually seeing it. My head spun and I began to feel nauseous. Suddenly I hated feeling so drunk. I hated not being able to think properly, especially now with Johnathan searching the streets, it felt like he was only a step behind me. I needed to think, but even more, I needed to keep moving. Stuffing the phone and cigarettes back into my pockets I pressed my hands against the concrete to steady myself as I stood. Clumsily I reached back down for the bottle, tilting too far forward and almost loosing my footing.
Turning away from the water I took a moment to allow my brain to settle, to become used to the feeling of standing once more, and then slowly took a few unsteady steps away from the edge of the lake. I wanted to talk to Alex, he would know what I should do, but I needed to find somewhere less open before I could call him, somewhere where I felt safer, if that place existed. I made my way back to the elevated car park, very slowly, concentrating intensely on each step I made, wishing that if I concentrated hard enough I could begin to feel more sober.
I heard the crunching sound of tyres on gravel, which caused me to look up from my feet and straight into a blinding light. Raising an arm to shield my eyes I blinked, temporally dazed by the bright headlights flooding over me. I teetered on the spot for several moments, trying to balance myself as I stared across the remaining short distance of the deserted plaza to the gravel car park beyond. My first instinct was to hide, though there was nowhere to hide out here in the open with only the lake behind me. My next thought was to run, but my body seemed slow to respond to the urgency in my mind, by the time it did the headlights had died and both front doors of the car were wide open. My mind screamed for me to run as I watched the two occupants of the car step out. I couldn't make out any detail in the people from this distance, other then that the driver appeared taller then the passenger, and that they looked to be male.
No, it couldn't be Johnathan and Jamie. There was no way they could have found me so quickly. It just wasn't possible. But the sense of alarm in my mind only spread throughout my entire body as I watched the figures jump down off of the raised car park and onto the concrete below. It was them. As they slowly walked closer I recognised the shorter, stockier frame of Jamie, just as well as I recognised Johnathan walking alongside him. My heart suddenly began thudding in my chest as panic gripped hold of me. I needed to run, but a small part of me also knew how useless that would be. I couldn't even stand straight let alone run fast enough to escape Johnathan. But I couldn't think logically right now and so had to try. I dropped the bottle, which clanged to the ground, and took off running.
The direction didn't matter. As long as it took me away from them. I thought I could hear Johnathan's voice calling out to me but it only urged me on faster. I saw nothing, heard nothing at all now other then the sound of my shoes slapping against the concrete. My legs felt heavy, uncoordinated; twice I almost slipped and just barely managed to recover without being caught. Running roughly parallel with the lake I began veering away in an arc toward the concrete retaining wall. If only I could keep away from them for long enough to find somewhere to hide. But really I had no idea of where I was going. I was breathing hard and couldn't hear if I was being pursued, could only feel that I was, a deep sense in my heavy limbs. I had to get away from them. Reaching the wall I scrambled up onto it, using my hands and knees, and then half ran, half stumbled across the width of the car park toward the looming buildings standing in darkness beyond.
It took all my strength and determination just to keep one foot firmly falling in front of the other, to remain straight instead of toppling forward onto my face. Luckily I didn't need to think about my surroundings, I knew all the streets, knew every hidden alleyway, even the disused passages between the buildings built solely for off-loading wares from small trucks. I slipped into one as I thought I heard Johnathan call my name. His voice sounded close, far too close, I wasn't going fast enough, I was going to be caught. These thoughts terrified me and spurred me on as I sprinted blindly across a silent street and into a narrow alleyway. Sucking air into my aching lungs I knew I couldn't keep going much longer. I couldn't even see with any clarity, the buildings I passed were merely darker shapes bordering the blackness I was running through.
The impact was sudden. Everything swirled and merged for a moment rendering me completely blind as the air was knocked from my lungs, my whole body felt as if I had just smacked into a solid wall. But at the same time my stomach churned and I felt like I was falling. My head spun, I couldn't breath. I couldn't feel anything other then the thick spinning in my head, which seemed to have no end. It felt like forever before I became aware of the cold hard ground beneath my face. My fingers tingled as I tried to move them. I moaned as the spinning in my head turned painful. Only one thought leaked through the fuzziness in my brain, the same thought that had kept me running in the first place. I needed to get away. I needed to run.
Struggling to my feet I felt like I was spinning, or that the world was spinning around me. I couldn't see, shadows of darkness overlapped even darker shadows that cascaded around me like water. Staggering forward I sought the darkest shadows, pulling myself further and further away. I don't know how far I moved, whether I walked or ran, it felt like a dream, one that became more painfully real when I tripped. The hard, dark ground came rushing up to greet me, far too quickly for me to react. Pain shot up my wrist to burn through my hand and fingers. I rolled over onto my side, clutching my wrist and holding my bandaged hand up in front of my face. But everything was black, thick murky blackness. I couldn't breathe, my chest hurt and I rapidly blinked my eyes trying to see something, anything. My head swarmed with an internal ringing in my ears, I wanted to be sick. I sucked air into my mouth, but not enough. Leaning back against the hard wall behind me I tried to relax, tried to stop fighting through the blackness.
Everything was white. So sterile and white. A large table and a mountain of chairs were pushed to one side, making the room seem half the size that it actually was. In the other half of the room, the half near the only door, I stood surrounded by a circle of chairs. There must have been at least ten people, most looked like doctors, and all held papers or open folders in their hands. I looked from one grave face to the other as they each took their turn to talk. I didn't listen to anything they said. Only one lady, dressed smartly in a tucked in shirt and skirt returned my eye contact, smiling at me before returning to concentrate on the doctor who was speaking. I knew I couldn't move, I'd been told to stay still so many times already and so I tried to stay where I was. I didn't want to upset my mother, sitting behind me, anymore then she already was. Turning my back to the group gathered around me I faced her. There were tears in her reddened eyes. I reached out to hold her hand, to ask if she was okay, but she shushed me, holding my hand and pushing me down by the shoulder until I was kneeling on the shiny hard floor in front of her. She didn't look at me. I followed the line of her weeping eyes to the doctor who was speaking. He was holding up a black picture. The light from the window behind him shone through it to heighten the images it held. I'd seen many pictures like this one, but this time I tried to look at it more closely. The sight of it was making mum cry and I wanted to understand why. I knew it was a picture that showed what was inside the skull. The doctor's words as he pointed to different parts were unfamiliar and made no sense to me. Why couldn't he just point to it and say that it was the brain? I knew he was talking about one point in particular, the left side, which looked different to the right. There was a huge dark patch covering most of it, and I guessed that this was what was making my mum cry. He lowered the picture back down into his folder but I kept seeing it, wondering what it was and what it meant. Mum had said we were here to find answers, but if I couldn't understand what was going on, could she? I turned back to her as her sobs became louder, squeezing her hand in mine. One of the ladies, the nice one who had smiled at me, came over to try and comfort her. But I wanted to be the one to comfort her, I wanted to see her smile again, it had been far too long since I'd seen her smile. Seeing her cry made me cry too. I had been hoping that finding the answers she'd wanted would make her smile, but all the doctors were doing was making her cry again. They always made her cry, I hated them. I hated this place that I seemed to live in now. This place had taken away her smile, and I'd never see it again.
The memories, the dreams, receded back into the depths of my mind as I blinked my eyes, finally beginning to focus. I felt different, slightly more aware, had I passed out? Where was I? I stared ahead at an old brick wall, the side of a building rising up a few feet away to shroud me in darkness. I could feel the side of the opposing building that I was leaning against but I wasn't in an alleyway, just a small recess between the buildings. I stared at the white bandage wrapped around my hand, continuing to blink my eyes, trying to see more clearly. Every movement I made hurt, even blinking my eyes caused the fuzziness surrounding my vision to grow. My body ached all over and I had to lower my hand slowly to not jar the pain into something less tolerable.
Carefully I reached down to my side, feeling inside my pocket for the phone. I groaned as I tugged it free, fresh pain shooting through my hand. I froze for a moment to let it pass, and then raised the phone up to my eyes. With my other hand I gently rubbed my eyes and wiped the sweat from my forehead. My sight was still far from clear but I concentrated on the phone and waited to see if it would light up, if it still worked. The plastic surface crunched in my hand, it was broken but I hoped that it would still work. I needed help. I needed Alex. I breathed out slowly as the screen finally lit up. I pushed the buttons, trying to find Alex's number. The small numbers on the screen blurred and I held the phone as close to my face as possible, finally choosing one. I brought the phone up to my ear, gritting my teeth as the pain flared throughout my hand once more. On the second ring the phone was answered.
`Yes?'
`Alex?' My voice was weak and I cleared my throat, but something felt wrong. The voice on the other end of the phone was husky and deep, it didn't sound like Alex at all.
`He's busy.' The male replied bluntly.
`I need him.' I said quietly, not sure what to say. I had to speak to Alex, I had too.
`He'll ring ya back.'
No,' I could feel that the man was about to hang up, that the only chance of reaching Alex was about to be lost. I'm in trouble.' Anxiety gripped my heart as I thought of staying out here alone and in pain all night. I needed Alex, I needed to hear his voice, and the fact that I couldn't made me want to scream, it made me want to cry. `I need him!'
There was a contemplate pause on the other end of the phone. `Where are you?' The man finally asked.
A slight rise of hope sparked deep inside of me. I don't know, I'm, I was near the harbour.' I knew where I was, but struggled to remember the names of the streets. I'm just off Bradford street...i think...i think I'm still near there.' Maybe I didn't know where I was. `That's the last street I remember. I'm in an alcove between the buildings.'
I turned my head to look out past the buildings to the street, hearing someone call out close by. It sounded like they'd called my name. Johnathan?' I whispered. I'd almost forgotten about him, forgotten that they were looking for me. It felt like hours had passed since I'd run from him, but maybe it had only been minutes. Where's Alex?' Each breath I took was erratic, short fast gasps that didn't seem to draw enough air into my lungs. My eyes darted back and forth over the street several feet away, over the small portion of it that I could see. It was quiet, I couldn't hear anyone. Hello?' I listened hard but could hear nothing on the other end of the phone either. Hello?' I held the phone out in front of me and saw the black screen. It was dead.
I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the hard brick of the building, watching the bright colours that danced in the blackness behind my eyelids. What was I going to do? I wasn't sure of anything anymore. Why had I run from Johnathan? I opened my eyes in an effort to escape the nauseating colours that inundated my mind and tried to focus on the street. Part of me wanted to try and stand, try and make my way back out into the street, not caring and in fact even wanting Johnathan to find me. But then what? He would never let me see Alex, he would do anything he could to stop me. I pictured my room but could only see it as a prison, one that I would be stuck in until Johnathan was sure that Alex had left me and the city for good. Would Alex leave? If Johnathan made it difficult enough, would Alex give up on me and go back home to never see me again? I didn't want to even consider that, I couldn't handle the despairing feelings just the thought of it brought. Right now I had to move, even if it meant finding Johnathan.
Letting the useless phone drop quietly down beside me I concentrated on my injuries, and first stared at my hand. It was hurt, or maybe it was my wrist that was strained, I wasn't sure, the whole thing was throbbing. My head hurt, especially if I moved it. Anything else? I stretched out my other arm, it tingled as if it had fallen asleep but otherwise didn't bring me further pain. I stretched out my legs, cringing and freezing as my left sent a signal of pain to my brain. Okay, so my left leg was hurt too. It wasn't too bad, I told myself, I was okay, but I found it difficult to believe my own lies. I looked back out into the quiet, dark street. Where was Johnathan? I'd been so sure that he was close behind me; maybe in my drunken state I'd only imagined it. Maybe he hadn't pursued me on foot at all. Maybe he'd gone back to his car to trail me that way, which did seem more like something he'd do. Perhaps he would find me if I stood out on the street, I'd have to take the chance, right now even Johnathan finding me wasn't as bad a thought as staying out here, hurt and alone.
Holding my injured left hand close against my stomach I slowly used my other hand to help raise myself up against the side of the building, carefully placing no weight on my left leg. Trying to control my breathing I held each breath I inhaled, forcing it out as slowly as possible. When the swirling in my head had calmed and I felt steadier I took a step away from the wall, placing as little pressure as possible on my left foot. The pain was bearable, I'd probably just bruised my knee, or so I told myself.
A car drifted past slowly in the street before me as I made my way out, it turned the corner a little further ahead without noticing me. Standing now on the sidewalk I wondered again what I should do. The street wasn't well lit, there was only a solitary lamppost standing at the corner. I turned away from it, facing north. It would take awhile, probably over an hour at least with my slow pace, but if I kept going I could make it back to the motel. Alex would probably be there, I hoped he would be there and that Johnathan wouldn't. I didn't want Johnathan making any trouble with Alex. Or maybe Alex would come looking for me. Had I given the man who'd answered Alex's phone clear enough directions? I really hadn't given him much direction at all, but I had to assume he would tell Alex. He'd answered Alex's phone, he had to be Alex's friend, even though he hadn't sounded very friendly. Maybe I should turn west, back toward the harbour, and wait in Bradford Street, which was another street over, or maybe two, I wasn't completely sure, in case Alex figured out where that was.
It felt like I stood there for the best part of an hour trying to figure out what to do, but it was probably more like minutes. I started to move slowly, awkwardly, down the short street, in the general direction of the motel.
I didn't hear the car until it was right behind me, it was so quiet. I turned, closing my eyes against the harsh light of the headlights.
`Logan?'
The headlights dimmed and I saw a dark figure standing in the street beside the open door of the car. Closing my eyes and then opening them I tried to see the man more clearly. He was only slightly taller then me but was solidly built, he reminded me immediately of a large bull terrier. He was probably in his late twenties and his rounded head was shaved, which only added to his intimidating presence. I hadn't even seen a security guard as bulky as this guy was. `Yes.' I answered, not because I wanted to speak to this man, but because I was scared not too.
Got him.' The man said, and I then realised that he was holding a phone. He put the phone away into a pocket in his loose fitting dark pants and then moved around the front of the car toward me. The closer he came the bigger he looked, it didn't help that he seemed to be wearing a padded vest. Get in.' He said, moving past me with barely a glance to open the back door of his car.
`Who are you?' I asked, not making any intentional movement.
The man ignored my question. `Get in and I'll take ya to Alex.' The man said his voice husky and deep.
His voice was slightly familiar, could it be the man I'd spoken to when I'd rung Alex? The man walked back to me, grabbing hold of my arm with a grip so solid that the thought of trying to pull away didn't even enter my head. `Where's Alex?' I asked, limping after him. I wasn't totally sure I wanted to get into the vehicle, but had little choice. Even if I wasn't hurt I still wouldn't have a chance at fighting back with this guy.
I eased myself into the small backseat of the vehicle, carefully dragging my leg in. The front seats were pushed back to leave me very little foot room, and bending my knee was painful. Painful enough to stop me asking any further questions. The man didn't seem to be in the mood to answer them anyway. He walked back around the car, getting in behind the steering wheel. I stared out the window beside me, feeling like I wanted to be sick. I'd barely managed to walk a few steps before the car had stopped me; really I knew I should be glad that I'd been picked up. That's what I told myself anyway. But really I couldn't feel comfortable here in the back of this stranger's car. I wanted to believe that I would be seeing Alex soon, I tried to believe it, but the heavy feeling of doubt and fear were more prevalent in my confused and muddled mind then hope. I tried to clear my mind, tried to concentrate instead on the surroundings blurring by my window. I had no idea where he was taking me, and slowly my eyes drifted closed as I tried not to think about it.
I woke suddenly as the car slowed down, turning and pulling into a driveway. I looked ahead at the man driving the car as my memories caught up with me. The car came to a halt under a wide arch, displaying some name I didn't get time to see. The man got out of the car, going inside a well lit room to the right. Inside I could see a wide desk and a shelf alongside containing a multitude of pamphlets; it looked to be a reception area. I stared ahead out of the front window into a dimly lit area contained on three sides by a continuing squared block of buildings. It looked to be a motel, and whatever time it was it had to be late as no lights were on in any of the rooms. It wasn't that big, there were six cars parked outside the doors to each room, and there had to only be ten rooms, maybe less. I could hear a dog barking inside somewhere behind the reception area and more lights came on in that direction. The reception area looked to have a two-story house built onto it, which in turn was joined onto the series of rooms.
Suddenly I jumped as the car door beside me was opened, I hadn't seen the man come back out, and turned to see who had pulled open my door. Another man, taller, leant in toward me. Under the light now flooding the car I recognised the short brown hair and those deep blue eyes that stared back at me. `Alex.' I reached a hand up to grab hold of his shoulder, hardly able to believe it was him. Leaning right into the car he hugged me close for a moment, before drawing back and holding my hand.
`What happened to you?'
I could only stare into his eyes, eyes that were full of concern as he studied my face. I didn't know what to say.
`Come.' He stepped back, still holding my hand and I eased myself out of the car, leaning in against him.
`I'm sorry, I got drunk.' I half closed my eyes as he led me across the car park to stand outside a room at the back. He supported my weight, I didn't feel like I could stand on my own anymore.
`We will talk about that later, I just want to know that you are alright, you're limping.'
I hurt my knee.' I clenched my teeth as I struggled to keep back the emotion threatening to overwhelm my voice. So many feelings all brimmed to the surface and I had to forcibly swallow back the tears threatening my eyes. I got drunk, I was depressed after hearing the messages my family had left me.' I stopped as I felt another presence, looking up from my feet to see the stocky man who had picked me up now at the door in front of us, unlocking it. I squeezed Alex's hand.
`Did Mikai look after you?' Alex asked.
The man with the shaved head, Mikai, looked back at Alex and smiled. `Of course.' He answered for me, flipping on lights as he walked inside.
I followed in with Alex, still leaning on him heavily and blinking against the bright influx of light that made me feel nauseous. After turning on all the lights Mikai walked back out the open door, probably to collect his and Alex's things.
A large lounge room was situated to my left, and a kitchen area to my right. Ahead were three open doors, the one in the centre looked to be a bathroom while the other two were bedrooms. I barely looked, under an unsettling combination of pain and nausea all I wanted to do was sit down. That and hold Alex. I pressed myself in against him, my one good hand wrapped around his waist to hold him against me as I buried my face into his chest. I felt his arms around my shoulders and I didn't move, didn't think, not until I felt my eyes clear and the emotions within settle.
Several minutes later Alex led me through to the bathroom, and I sat down on the toilet while he wet a white wash cloth in the shallow sink opposite.
`Tell me what happened.'
I got drunk.' I closed my eyes as he dabbed the warm cloth against my forehead. I was at the harbour.' The memories that felt like they'd happened so long ago ran through my mind, disjointed and vague. But I wanted to try my best to explain things to him. I saw Johnathan, he and Jamie came to get me. I don't know how they found me....' Picturing the scene in my mind a possible answer to that question came to me. I was talking to Jamie on the phone, there was a ferry coming in, he must have heard the horn go off. That's how they found me.'
Alex was quiet as he cleaned my face. I was shocked to see the pinkish stains on the wash cloth. `Is my head bleeding?' I reached my hand up to tentatively touch my forehead with my fingertips. There was a large swollen lump in the centre that hurt when I touched it.
`It's cut.' Alex said quietly, throwing the cloth over into the sink and kneeling down in front of me.
I shied away from his gaze. I felt bad about everything; it was all my own fault after all. But I knew he wanted to know more, and I had to tell him, I wanted to tell him just as much as I didn't want too. When they came to the harbour I ran, I didn't want to see them. They were saying that you were dangerous, that you'd hurt me, and it's not true. I didn't want to confront them, so I ran.' I held my breath as tears stung my eyes. I was running away and then it came out of nowhere. I think a car hit me, I don't remember it exactly, I just remember that I kept running until I couldn't anymore.' I squeezed my eyes closed as the tears trickled down my cheeks, unable to speak.
It's alright, I'm here now.' Alex said, rubbing my thigh. Does it hurt anywhere else?'
I raised my bandaged hand. `This hurts, and just my knee.' I tried to say it as if it didn't really matter, I didn't want him to know exactly how much it hurt; I hated seeing him so worried about me when it was my own fault. I deserved to be hurt. I shouldn't have run. I shouldn't have spent his money on getting drunk in the first place.
`Here, we will get these off and have a look at that knee.' He stood after removing my shoes, his hands unbuttoning my jeans.
I looked to the doorway as it was filled with Mikai's frame. I put my hand over top of Alex's, stopping him. Mikai's presence still intimidated me, I couldn't help it.
Thought ya'd need this.' Mikai said, stepping just far enough into the bathroom to pass Alex the black first aid case. Do ya want me to call Tobias?'
No.' Alex shook his head. Leave him to sleep. Find Logan a glass of water though.' He turned his attention back to me, setting the first aid kit down on the bathroom floor beside him.
`I'm gonna get a drink myself.' Mikai mumbled as he walked back out.
I stood up, leaning against Alex as he removed my jeans. The pain as the material rubbed against my knee was intense, but not enough to keep me from noticing Mikai return to place a glass of water beside the sink. The loud thud of his boots against the floor along with his bulky stature was enough to make him anything but unnoticeable. I was glad that he left quickly. I could hear glasses clinking out in the lounge as I sat back down in just my boxers. Alex again dampened the cloth and I looked down at my knee, trying not to cry out with the pain his gentle touch caused. Below my knee all I could see was blood, it covered the lower half of my leg. `I'm not going to the hospital.' I said through gritted teeth as I looked at the deep wound just below my knee, washed in blood. It looked like a huge chunk of flesh had been ripped out. I didn't know how he could fix it.
`I know.' Was all he said.
I looked away at a spot on the wall, feeling light-headed, dizzy. The sight of blood didn't usually make me feel that way, but my own blood, and so much of it, was different to looking at someone else's. `It's bad isn't it?'
I felt his hand on the thigh of my other leg and looked down to see him smiling up at me, a comforting smile. `I will patch it up. It's not too bad, you just relax.'
`Are you just saying that?'
Maybe.' He smiled, taking hold of my hand and pressing it against the gauze swabs he'd placed on my leg to try and stem the flow of blood. Hold this. I will numb it with anaesthetic and then try and stitch it closed. It will be alright.'
I held the blood socked gauze below my knee, watching him take a syringe from the open case and then jab it into one of the clear tubes taken from the lid. I tried to ready myself for the pain of the needle, I knew it would be so much worse then what I'd felt when he'd done the same to my hand. Again I looked away, focusing on the wall beside me, moving my hand away from my leg as he took over. I felt the pressure in my chest, but I kept swallowing, the last thing I wanted to do was be sick. But it wasn't the sight of all the blood that was making me feel like this, I'd been feeling nauseous for awhile now. Maybe it was the alcohol in my system, which could also explain why I was still feeling so dizzy, as if my brain was spinning around in my head. I wanted to close my eyes, they were heavy and the light hurt them, but if I closed them then the feeling of wanting to be sick just intensified.
I felt the needle sink into my skin, I gasped, trying to suppress any louder reaction, but it was futile as I couldn't stifle the scream that erupted under the stabbing pain that shook through my leg, again and again. After that I sat quietly as the pain in my leg faded. Alex talked; I think he sensed how uncomfortable I physically felt and was trying to take my mind away from it.
When I came back to the motel the man at the front desk told me that Johnathan had been there searching for you. He said that Johnathan wanted to talk' to me, so I knew you weren't there. I then received the call from Mikai, saying that you had rung.'
Yeah, you'd left your phone with him.' Actually I didn't remember too much about ringing Mikai anymore, it felt like all the events of the last few hours were moulding together into a thick haze. I'm sorry, I broke the phone you gave me.'
That's alright.' I could hear the smile in his tone. It would be hard for you to go through as many phones as Mikai, I gave him that phone you called me on. Mikai doesn't particularly like using cell phones, he works with explosives and they make him nervous. He usually disposes of his phone almost daily. Anyway, he has a GPS unit in his car and he said that you had told him what street you were in, so he went to find you.'
`He's a little scary looking.' I said quietly, not wanting to look down at what Alex was doing.
I suppose.' Alex replied. But he is a good friend.'
`So, he, you've told him about me?'
Alex chuckled. `A bit.'
`I don't think he likes me.' I admitted, but really I just wished that I had friends like that, ones I could talk to about Alex. Anyone to talk to that wouldn't judge me.
`He doesn't even know you yet. But it isn't important anyway.'
`But he's your friend; I want your friends to like me.'
He will like you.' Alex replied, And if he doesn't, I'll make sure that he pretends convincingly.' He chuckled, trying to keep the conversation light instead of as morose as my mood. `I'm almost done here.'
I looked down to see him pull a bandage out of the first aid kit and then begin to wrap it around my leg.
`How are you feeling now?' He asked when he had finished. Removing the disposable gloves from his hands he lightly touched my forehead.
`I'm okay.' I lied. He'd re-bandaged my hand, loosely as my wrist was beginning to swell.
`You're not feeling dizzy or anything?'
`No, just sick, like I've got a bad hangover.' I didn't want him to worry about me. He handed me some pills which I put in my mouth, taking the glass of water he offered.
`All finished for now.' He finally smiled, pushing the first aid kit to the wall and out of the way with his foot. He helped me stand, with a strong arm around my waist, and together we walked out of the bathroom. Mikai had his back to us sitting on the sofa as we passed by to the bedroom. I could see a bottle of bourbon on the table before him and two glasses, only one of them was empty.
`I'm tired.' I said as I lay down on the large bed.
`You look it, you rest alright.' He rubbed my arm as he sat beside me on the bed, his feet hanging off onto the floor.
Can you stay in here with me?' I knew by the extra glass in the lounge that Mikai expected Alex to go back out there. I really want to hold you.'
He smiled, then kicked off his shoes and moved over me, to lay behind me. I melted back into him as he hugged me from behind. `I missed you.' I said, finally closing my eyes.
`I know, I missed you too.'
`Are you going to go back out there with Mikai?'
`I will stay in here until you fall asleep if you like.'
I did want him to stay, I finally felt more content here in his arms then I had for hours. I wanted him to stay here beside me forever. `I want you to just stay here with me.' I whispered.
Alex chuckled quietly, his lips close to my ear. `I know, but Mikai needs my attention too.'
That's not funny.' I jabbed my elbow back lightly into his side. Anyway, if you told me that the guy sitting out there was gay I wouldn't even believe you.'
Is that so?' I could hear him smiling in reply. Because if he isn't, then he is very good at pretending to be gay.'
Really?' I turned to lie on my back and look up into his eyes as he rested his head on his hand. Have you done things with him?'
Mikai is no more then a friend, anything that's ever happened between him and I has only ever been purely sexual.' His smile slid a little as he saw that his words bothered me. I don't think of him in the same way that I think about you.'
I looked away from his eyes toward the wall. I didn't like thinking of Alex being with anyone else. It was stupid, of course he had been with other people, and there was nothing I could do about that. But I couldn't help the way it made me feel. With already feeling tired, drunk, confused and physically sick, I didn't want to think about anything serious. I didn't want to think at all, I just wanted to feel Alex next to me, feel his arms around me and think of nothing else.
`Are you alright?' He hugged me tighter as I turned back onto my side, away from him but still laying as close to him as possible.
`Yeah, I'm just tired.' I rubbed his arm that was tight around me.
`You mean a lot to me.' He whispered in my ear, tilting his head to kiss my cheek.
I awoke to find myself alone. My head was thumping and I groaned as I brushed my hand against the lump on my forehead. Staring up at the low ceiling I tried to wake more fully, silently hoping that the spinning in my head from earlier wouldn't return. It felt like I'd only been asleep for minutes. I wanted to go back to sleep, but needed to visit the bathroom first. And I needed Alex. I could hear muffled voices out in the lounge. How long had I slept for? It couldn't have been too long as I could tell that it was still night by the darkness in my room. Slowly I sat up, very slowly. The urge to be sick that then came over me was sudden. Standing I limped to the door, opening it and walking out. The lounge was lit only by the glow of the television. I didn't have time to look at the couch where I knew Alex and Mikai were sitting; I had to get to the bathroom. Fast.
After a few minutes I heard someone come in behind me. I was leaning over the sink, my face dripping with cold water, which hadn't helped me feel better at all. I looked up into the mirror and saw Alex behind me. I felt his hand on my shoulder and I turned to him, pressing the side of my face, being careful not to make contact with my forehead, against the soft material covering his chest. He felt warm and I closed my eyes, groaning.
`You still not feeling too good?'
`You heard me get sick right?' I groaned into his chest.
Here, drink this.' I leaned back to stand on my own, taking the offered glass of water and sipping from it. I think I need to go back to bed. What time is it?'
`About three in the morning.'
`Don't you ever get tired?' I looked up into his face, blinking until I could see his eyes more clearly.
No.' He smiled gently. Take these; hopefully they will help you sleep.'
I swallowed the pills he handed me, holding my stomach as I fought against the impulse to bring them straight back up. I took a few deep breaths, and then looked back up into his eyes as he brushed my messy blond hair back from my forehead. `Are you going to come back to bed with me?'
His hand lowered to cup the side of my face, rubbing his thumb gently back and forth across my cheek. `How could I say no?' He responded, leaning forward to kiss me. I kissed him back, slowly.
Mikai didn't turn to look at us as we passed by the back of the couch to our bedroom. I guessed he was drunk as the coke had been discarded and he was drinking the bourbon straight from the bottle.
I removed my shirt in the bedroom, well Alex's shirt, and left it in a pile with Alex's other clothes near the door.
`Thanks for not taking me to the hospital.' I said as I lay on my back on the bed. It was the most comfortable position for my left side as well as my head.
Alex smiled, lying on my right with his arm resting across my stomach. I could taste the lingering scent of bourbon in his mouth as he kissed me.
`Are you drunk?' He wasn't acting differently, but I hadn't seen him drunk before so maybe he could just control it well.
No.' He smiled. I only had a few, and with the way that Mikai's going I will have to drive him home tomorrow. Besides, I don't consume alcohol simply to become drunk.' He rubbed his hand across my stomach, tickling me.
`Yeah, unlike me, the only reason I drink is to get drunk.' I smiled, but I felt bad inside. I worried about how he saw my drinking, about what he thought of my erratic actions.
`That's not all your fault.' He said, surprising me.
`Then whose fault is it?' I stared into his face, the half smile on his lips and the caring look in his eyes. He seemed to glow with the light of the lamp shining behind him, casting his face in partial shadow.
`You wouldn't have brought the alcohol if your family weren't bothering you, and, your family wouldn't be bothering you so much if it weren't for me.'
Somewhere inside I knew that he was trying to make me feel better, but I wasn't thinking as clearly as normal, and instead his words hurt. `You're not going to leave me are you?'
He kissed me in response. `Of course not.'
`But Johnathan, he's going to keep looking for me.'
`You don't have to worry about that. I have told you before, I can handle Johnathan. You only have to see him if you want too.'
I stared up at the ceiling, my thoughts lost in visions of my house, of my family. `I don't want to see them, not for awhile. They don't like me being with you, but things were bad there before you came anyway. They are just focused on you and getting me away from you right now, it would be something else if it wasn't that.'
`I can imagine. Do you think they already suspected that you were gay?'
`I'm not gay.' It was hard not to smile as I said it; it really was comical to say when I was laying near naked against him.
Even Alex smiled. `I have it on good authority that you are, even if you don't want to use the word yet.'
I closed my eyes as he kissed me, trying to forget every troubling thought that chose now to come to the surface, and just enjoy the feeling of laying here with him. As his head rested back beside mine I resumed my silent inspection of the bland ceiling above.
`I thought you were tired?'
`I am, I was, I feel more awake now.'
`What's bothering you?' His hand, which felt warm and soothing against my skin, moved further up from my stomach to stroke my chest.
I wish it didn't matter.' I finally said, speaking my thoughts out loud. I mean Jamie has a different girlfriend every month but no one seems to care about that. Angela and Johnathan don't ask him to explain anything, they don't care. I don't see why I have to explain anything, it's not like I'm out seeing heaps of guys, I just like one. I wish they'd leave me alone.'
`I know, but the fact that it's me you are seeing has a lot to do with their reaction.'
It's none of their business. I don't know,' I sighed. I just don't want to talk to them about it for awhile, not so soon. Maybe after some time they will get over the fact that I like you, maybe when they see that we're still living together after a few months, they will have to see that we really like each other then, and that you wouldn't hurt me. They will probably still hate it, but maybe they will get used to it. They have too, they don't have a choice.'
`Perhaps.'
His cheerful tone attracted my attention, and I turned my head to gaze back into his eyes. `Why are you smiling?'
`Because, although you've practically said that you would come back with me before, now it actually sounds like you will. You know I'm leaving later on today.'
`Yeah, I guess I can't stay here. I'm not exactly going to go back home to live.'
No.' He frowned slightly, but his eyes betrayed his lips by sparkling with the smile he hid. You can't come with me just to get away from your family. You have to come with me because you want to be with me, regardless of your family.'
Oh.' I faked a frown, poorly. So I can't just use you to get away from them?'
He pretended to think about it for a moment, and then shrugged his shoulders. `I guess you can. You can come work for me instead, I'll give you a place to live and pay you to feed my dog, or something else along those lines.'
I jabbed an elbow into his ribs as he began to laugh. `Feed your dog? Is that really the only thing you think I'll be good at?'
`Well....' He said, as if he was actually thinking about it, and I tilted my head forward to smother his half smile with my lips.
Near silence enveloped the room as we kissed each other passionately, enjoying the one activity that finally hushed all the troubling thoughts that had been raging through my mind. After a long while the tiredness began to creep up on me again. I turned my head away from him to yawn and he took that as a sign to reach over behind him and switch off the lamp.
Your e-mails feed my will to write so keep sending your comments, thoughts and suggestions to pathoslm@yahoo.co.nz. The next instalment shouldn't be too far off!