Feel free to email me at pathoslm@yahoo.co.nz with any comments, otherwise enjoy. Logan.
There I was in the middle of the night racking my muddled brain, trying to remember exactly what it was I'd said in the message I'd left to him. How could I be so stupid as to leave him a drunken message? The more I thought about it the harder it was to remember exactly what I'd said, harder to differentiate between what I wish I'd said and what I actually had said. Leaving him a message on his answer phone at this late hour, it had to be after midnight by now, was bad enough, but I couldn't even think straight and so couldn't have sounded it. I'd asked him to meet me, I knew that much. I closed my eyes as I thought of how desperate I'd sounded, practically begging him to come meet me here of all places. And I was desperate, I wanted to talk to him so badly, but I didn't need him knowing how desperate I was.
I'd been talking to him for near six months now, almost everyday on the phone or over the internet. But that wasn't how I'd met him. I'd met him in the next city over, during another rough patch at home. I'd needed to get away from everything and had travelled as far as the bus had taken me. And that was where I'd meet him. Every time I pictured him in my mind, which was a lot, it was his bright blue eyes that I remembered the most clearly, they had been what had drawn me in the first time I'd met him. That and the fact that he'd been there to talk to when no one else was. We'd swapped numbers and had been talking ever since. I'd never been attracted to a male before, I'd never been attracted to anyone before but there was something about Alex. Just hearing his voice calmed me no matter what mood I was in. We'd since talked about many things, but I'd never confessed the way I really felt about him, I wasn't even sure about it myself and I didn't want to scare him away. But now I'd pretty much done just that. At nineteen I considered myself mature for my age, but that desperate phone call would probably leave him thinking I was some stupid kid. He was a little older then me, and while I wasn't exactly sure what work he was involved in. I did know he was kept busy travelling a lot. The last thing he needed was a drunken message telling him to come meet me now, here in a cemetery of all places.
It wasn't that I had any particular interest with cemeteries or death; I went there for the peaceful tranquillity. Constantly regurgitated stories of ghosts seemed to keep others away at night, especially this late, leaving me free to think. And besides, the cemetery really was a pretty place at night. Thick clusters of trees grew along the northern border and rolling hills swelled up in all other directions, separating the sections of the cemetery just as well as the pathways and man-laid shrubs did. This section here, nearest the trees, was my favourite place to sit and think. It was the oldest section, most of the names had worn off the tomb stones and the numbers that were legible dated back over a century. Most of the plots were individually fenced, with huge statues of angels or books or other figures. I sat on a huge slab of concrete that looked like it could house at least four coffins beneath though by the double tombstone I knew that it only had two. From here I had a limited view of anything other then the trees several hundred metres to my side, the neighbouring plots with their metal fences blocked my view as I sat with one arm draped loosely around my drawn-in knees and the other clutching the glass bottle I'd brought with me. The half moon above shone down with its pale glow, hardly giving off any light as I laid back against the cool concrete. I tried to count the many stars above me, barely feeling the cold anymore even though I only wore a black short-sleeved T-shirt and knee-length shorts. There was no way Alex would come all the way here, and even if he did, the cemetery was a huge place. He wouldn't be able to find me, what was I thinking? Of course Alex wouldn't come all the way here, he was probably trying to ring me back though. No, at this time of night, he was probably sleeping. I closed my eyes. I should have brought my cell phone with me, but I'd left the house as quickly as possible. After what I'd done earlier today I really should have expected my dad to kick me out of the house. But I hadn't. I'd done a lot of stupid things, but he'd never told me to leave before. And then I had to go and make everything worse. I replayed the events in my mind. I was meant to be packing a few things in my room but instead had sat on my bed and gotten drunk. It's surprising how quickly that can happen when you haven't eaten for twenty-four hours. Then I'd left Alex that message. I'd needed to speak to him, although perhaps it was best he hadn't picked up his phone, I may have said something even more stupid then what I'd left in the message. And then Johnathan had come in, my father. Perhaps he was going to ask me to stay, that was probable, but I didn't give him the chance. I yelled at him. A lot. He yelled back, and then I made sure he would never want me to stay in the house again. I told him I was gay, well, yelled it at him would be more accurate. I wasn't even sure that I was, I was just trying to make him angry. And then I'd left with nothing but the clothes I wore. Finding a liquor store and pretending that I was sober for the two minutes it took me to buy alcohol was easy. No one ever asked me for ID. I was old enough and because of how well-known Johnathan was everyone knew me too. Damn, now that I thought about it, it could have been hours since I'd left Alex that message. I didn't even have my watch.
Tilting the bottle down to my lips the liquid missed its intended target almost entirely and as it sloshed over my face I realised I'd probably had enough. Sitting up I wiped my face, pushing my messy blond hair, now sticky, back from my eyes and blinking until my vision cleared slightly. At least the alcohol had done its job, keeping me warm and dulling the ache from my injured hand.
`It's a nice night for a walk isn't it?'
I near jumped out of my skin at the sound of the male voice, staring toward the trees before realising it had come from the opposite direction. During the many times I had come here after midnight I'd never seen anyone, never been disturbed, and because of that, but probably more because of the amount of alcohol I'd ingested, I didn't expect to see someone standing there. In that one moment of panic I completely forgot about Alex. Then I found him, standing only a few metres away beside one of the metal fences, standing so still he blended in, almost looking like one of the many surrounding statues. He was tall, at least compared to me, at least six foot, and although it was dark I could see the long trench-coat he wore that did a poor job of hiding the bulging muscles beneath. His shoulders and chest were broad like I remembered, and as he walked toward me I stared up at his face. Absently taking another swig from the near empty bottle I placed it between my knees and stared into those bright blue eyes as he came and sat on the concrete slab next to me. He had short, dark-brown hair that complemented his strong, handsome features. He looked incredibly young for thirty-one. He was definitely well-built; I'd worked out on and off in the school gym for years and couldn't imagine having muscles like the ones I knew were hiding under that coat. I brought my eyes back up to his tanned face, to those bright blue eyes that seemed to be smiling at me. It was then I realised that I was staring and hadn't even spoken.
Are you alright Logan?' Alex asked. You don't look so good.'
I looked down at the bottle between my knees, blushing deeply. Although that could have been because of the alcohol. `I didn't think you'd come, I, I didn't even think you'd find me here, I didn't even give you good directions or anything.' I definitely blamed the alcohol for my loose tongue though. I couldn't help it, I had to look back up into his eyes, and even under the dull light of the moon they seemed to shine.
`It took me a little while, I feel like I've been walking around in this cemetery for hours trying to find you. But I came as soon as I heard your message.' He trailed off as if he was thinking about something and again I looked away.
`I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you to come all the way out here, it was stupid.'
`No, you needed someone to talk to, I'm glad you called me.'
I felt his strong arm wrap around my shoulders and I leaned into him, resting my head against his chest. 'I didn't think you'd come. I really didn't, I wouldn't have kept getting drunk if I knew I'd be seeing you.'
'It's alright.' He soothed, 'I told you I'm always here for you, even at three in the morning.' His smile shone through in his tone. 'What happened to your hand? Did Johnathan do that?'
I glanced down at my bandaged hand; I'd forgotten it was even hurt. Something else to blame the alcohol for. 'No, No.' I shook my head a little, feeling the warmth coming from Alex through his coat. 'But I can't go back there, not after tonight, or last night I guess.' I hate him so much.' Something inside me broke then. I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to cry. It was as if all the pain and anger from the last several hours had built up inside me and was now threatening to flood out. I could barely hold the tears back, which was strange, I hardly ever cried. But now I had to keep speaking or I'd start crying, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I hardly ever showed any vulnerability to anyone and I definitely couldn't here in front of Alex. I tried to think of something else but I could only picture Johnathan. Johnathan Raine practically ran the city, everyone knew him, and everyone seemed to like him, and because I was his adopted son, everyone knew me too. I barely realised when I started speaking out loud, staring down at my bottle as I now held it up in my hands, staring at the liquid sloshing about inside as I leaned heavily against Alex. 'Jamie is his real son. I love Jamie like a real brother though, he's four years younger then me, but he's really mature for fifteen, he's my best friend. It's not his fault that they treat me differently. I just hate how they blame me for everything; I'm the bad influence on Jamie. Everything I do is wrong.' I closed my eyes and stayed quiet for a moment, not looking up at Alex when I opened them again, only looking back at the bottle. `I'm sorry I'm blabbering.'
It's alright.' Alex said, and it sounded like he meant it. You need to get some things out, and I'm a good listener.' His arm tightened around my shoulders. `You never go into too much detail about your family; I guessed there was trouble there. You can tell me, I want to know what is bothering you. I want to help.'
My eyes shifted back to my bandaged hand. I started to sway slightly on the spot as I leaned my head back against his chest, staring up at the stars which all seemed to blur together. `I bandaged it myself; I didn't want them to see that I was hurt, they were mad enough after what I did. It was meant to just be a little bit of fun. We were bored, Jamie suggested it.'
`Suggested what?'
I blinked my eyes but still the stars seemed to blur. `I'm sorry; I'm not making any sense.' I half expected him to mention the alcohol I was so clearly full of as being the reason, which it was, but he didn't.
I think I'm going to have to take the word sorry' out of your vocabulary.' He said instead.
I almost said sorry in response, but managed to stop myself. `There was a truck there outside the store, it was still running. It suddenly sounds so stupid when I say it out loud, maybe I am a bad influence, Jamie wouldn't have stolen it if he was on his own. We didn't even get that far before I crashed it through a fence. Of course it won't even be in the papers, Johnathan will make sure of that. He can't have himself looking bad, that's why he's gotten rid of me.' It felt weird but at the same time right to call him Johnathan instead of my dad. He'd never been a proper father anyway. My real father had died twelve years ago and was buried across the other side of the cemetery, although I never visited his grave.
`And that's how you hurt your hand?'
I nodded slightly, for a moment I had forgotten that I wasn't alone, caught up in a trance of past memories, but Alex' voice brought me back. Back to the memories that were far fresher. And now that I had started, the rest of the words just seemed to flow out. It wasn't just a fence either; a house finally stopped the truck. Johnathan said I could have killed people, he's right, I could have. I don't know why I did something so stupid, why I always do stupid things.' I inhaled deeply, tears now trickling down my cheeks. Now I've wrecked everything. I don't even have a place to live anymore.'
It's alright.' Alex soothed. No one was hurt, and we all do stupid things.'
No.' I shook my head more roughly against him, squeezing my eyes shut as if that would stop the tears. Not like I do, he hates me, I hate me.'
`Look Logan, you called me for a reason, you needed help, and I'm going to help you.'
The smile seemed to be gone from his tone, he sounded more worried then anything, but I didn't want to look up at him to see his face, I didn't want him to see that I was crying. I was too drunk to realise that he could probably already hear that in my voice. And then he said the words that raised me from my stupor and sent a bolt of alertness into my brain.
`I've spoken to your father. I know you can't go back there, and I'm not going to leave you out here alone like this. We'll find a motel close by and then you can get some sleep. You will be able to think more clearly tomorrow, or at least later on today anyway.'
I was still stuck on the part where he'd spoken to my father. I sat up, pulling away from him and his warmth, suddenly tense. `You spoke to Johnathan?'
`I rang you back on your cell phone, he answered.' Alex said simply.
I could feel his eyes on me and looked up at him, up into his deep blue eyes, suddenly dreading what my father had said to him. I'd just told Johnathan I was gay and then Alex had rung. Had Johnathan asked him about it? Did Alex think I was gay? My mind raced as I stared at him, hoping I was wrong. `What did he say to you?' I asked without fully wanting too.
`It doesn't matter; we can talk about it later after you've had some sleep.' He smiled gently, resting his hand on my shoulder.
While the gesture was comforting, that wasn't what I wanted to hear. But with the alcohol in my system I could only think the worst. Johnathan had told him that I was gay, probably asked him about it. It was probably what Alex wanted to talk later about. `Tell me now?' My voice was weak, I suddenly felt nauseous.
`Okay, but only if we can then leave alright? It's cold and I don't want you to get sick.'
I nodded, his warm hand never leaving my shoulder. Not even as he said the very words I had been dreading.
He told me that you had had a fight and that you'd left.' He paused for a moment, one that seemed to stretch on too long. He then asked if I was your boyfriend.'
I looked away, not sure of what to say. I wanted to vehemently deny it, say that Johnathan was crazy to say something like that. But, part of me wasn't so sure that I wanted to deny it. `I don't know why he said that.' I said quietly, looking toward Alex but unable to raise my eyes above his black shoes. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted Alex. If nothing else I wanted his friendship, I didn't want him to leave.
Come on.' Alex stood, taking off his trench coat to reveal a black buttoned shirt beneath. Wear this.' He pulled me to my feet and wrapped the trench coat around me, helping me put my arms into it with one hand while the other held my waist, keeping me as steady on my feet as possible. `You're freezing.'
I didn't feel cold, but I did like the added warmth that the coat gave me.
With his arm looped over my shoulder, holding me tightly high on my waist, I stumbled through the cemetery. He guided me, constantly asking if I was alright as I tripped several times over my own feet. I don't usually get drunk.' I mumbled as he helped me into his car. Slumping down in the passenger seat I stared at the lights igniting across the dash as he got in alongside me and started the car. I hadn't had a good look at what type of car it was, my mind was too foggy to take in much detail. I only have a few times before, just recently.' I found myself saying, staring at the lights across the dash. There seemed so many, like I was in a space ship. That was the last thought I remembered having before falling into a dead sleep.
My head thumped and I gritted my teeth as I held it, moaning. I rubbed my eyes, opening them slightly, trying to get used to the bright light. It seemed to take awhile but finally I found myself staring up at a bland white ceiling, holding my head. Rolling over to my right I saw the cream curtains still drawn across wide unfamiliar windows. I knew I wasn't at home. It felt like I had only been asleep for a few minutes, except now instead of feeling drunk I felt nauseous. I could see the covers beside me turned down and ruffled, but the place that had so obviously been slept in was cold. I stretched my hand out on the space Alex had slept in. He had to have gotten up awhile ago but I found myself wishing that he hadn't. For a moment I wished I'd woken up earlier to see him lying next to me. I even found myself wondering what he'd slept in. He can't be too worried about me being gay if he'd slept next to me. But then maybe I was just deluding myself. Maybe he was just a good friend, and really, that wasn't such a bad thing.
`Morning Logan, you hungry?'
I sat up, holding my head at the sudden movement as Alex walked into the room, past the closet and around to my side of the bed, holding a glass of water. He sat down on the side of the bed beside me.
I cooked you some bacon and eggs.' He smiled, handing me the glass and dropping a couple of small white pills into the other hand. I'm not much of a cook, but I think they are eatable.'
Indeed I could smell the bacon and eggs, but it stirred my stomach in the wrong way. I didn't ask what the pills were as I swallowed them down, I think I would have accepted just about anything without question from Alex. Thanks, but you didn't have to cook for me.' He still wore the same black shirt as last night, the top couple of buttons undone. I felt a little exposed as I didn't have a shirt on, and compared to him I was a runt. I couldn't even get out of bed to look for my T-shirt because I could feel my morning hardness pressing against my boxes under the covers. I didn't want Alex to see that, not when I was still unsure of what he thought about me possibly being gay. Where's my shirt?' I looked up into his eyes, I knew I could get lost in them and somehow they comforted me because I didn't see anything bad there. No judgement only a friendly, caring look. I loved his eyes; even more then I liked looking at his muscular chest and wondering exactly what the muscles beneath looked like.
Alex shook his head slightly as his smile grew. `You had a bit of an accident last night, let's just say that I don't think you have anything left in your stomach.'
I got sick?' I groaned, rubbing my hands down over my face. I didn't get sick on you did I? Damn I don't even remember that.'
`No, we almost made it to the toilet.' Alex chuckled.
`I'm never drinking again, I'm so sorry about that.'
I'll hold you to that.' Alex smiled, his bright eyes so sharp and full of life. Don't be embarrassed about it, I've been there before and you'll feel better soon, especially after you get something into your stomach.'
I stared at his lips as they moved, not really listening to the words. So mesmerised I became that I didn't even realise that he'd stopped speaking. Damn I really wanted him. I had never wanted anyone before, never looked at anyone the way I was looking at him. No one had ever stirred these feelings of attraction in me before. This must be the way my friends felt about their girlfriends, the way the girls that had asked me out, and there had been a few, felt when they looked at me. But that couldn't be completely true; this wasn't just physical lust, even though I wanted to touch him so badly. Even talking to him over the phone, just hearing his voice stirred these indescribable feelings within me. But being here in his presence seemed to make it all the more intense. Maybe I didn't just need him as a friend, I knew I wanted more, but maybe I needed more too.
`You weren't listening to a word I said were you?'
I wasn't, and with the way I was openly staring, my eyes drifting from his own down to his lips, down even further to where the open buttons of his shirt revealed not nearly enough of his slightly tanned skin, it was completely obvious. Suddenly I was overcome with more then just nausea. I felt bad. I felt horrible for looking at him like I was. He was a friend, one who had always been there for me to speak to over the past six months, one that had helped me at my lowest last night. And there was no way that he could be gay, no way that he could look at me like I was looking at him. I didn't know any gay people, for all I knew the city was void of them, but when I pictured a gay person I always pictured someone feminine. Not someone like Alex, who looked and acted anything but. My stomach sunk lower then ever before, even lower then it had when I'd been riding in the back of a police car to be delivered back to Johnathan. I watched him smiling and pictured him laughing at me, at the way I felt, and for the second time in less then twenty-four hours I wanted to cry. It would be a record. There was no way I could explain the way I was staring at him, my mind was blank of excuses even though they usually came so easily to me. And then he touched me.
`Are you alright?'
He placed his hand down on my thigh, so close to my hard shaft and I reacted without meaning to. My hand was suddenly there on top of his, scaring myself far more then I could ever startle him. I wanted to push his hand over. I needed to get away. Suddenly I pushed the covers back, knocking his hand off and jumping out of the bed so fast Alex was just a blur as I fled from the bedroom.
The adjoining kitchen and lounge were combined and the bathroom was to the right, next to the exit. I rushed in, shutting the door behind me and turning on the shower before I even took another breath. Dropping my boxers to the floor I got in the shower, letting the warm water stream over me and mingle with my tears. I couldn't pretend. I had thought I could. Stupidly I'd thought I could just remain friends with him and hide the feelings that were so wrong deep inside of me. He would probably leave now, and that thought made me cry more. No, he was too nice to just leave without saying anything. He would probably be out there waiting for me, wanting to talk about it. But what could I say.
`Logan.'
I turned away from the smooth white wall to face the plastic shower curtain, seeing Alex's shadow through it. Before I could say anything, not that I knew what to say, the shower curtain was pulled back and I was again staring into those deep blue eyes.
`Come here.'
He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the shower. I stood there, water running off me to pool at my feet on the white tiled floor, watching his eyes that didn't waver from my own. I was still hard; the damn thing wouldn't go down even though I was upset, and I was acutely aware that was naked in front of him.
`I need to apologise to you.' He said quietly, his hands holding both of my wet arms.
`No, no, I'm sorry.' We stood so close I could almost feel his shirt against my bare skin. And then he leaned forward. I didn't expect it, and I'm sure I leant back a little but still his lips found mine effortlessly. And then I leant into him, pressing my lips back against his, feeling his warm tongue slip through and into my mouth. New feelings surged through me and my hands clung to his arms as his lowered to hold me around the waist. He caressed my tongue with his own before pulling back, far too soon. I found myself staring back into his deep blue eyes, only inches away.
I should have done that sooner.' He said. I wanted to as soon as I saw you last night.'
I couldn't help but reflect the same smile that brightened his face. `You should have.'
You were drunk; I didn't want to take advantage.' He grinned. But I guess this means that you want the same thing as I do.' As he spoke his hand drifted from my waist, slowly, softly trailing over my skin until his fingers became nestled in my light brown pubic hair.
`Stop, or I'll explode.' And I felt so in more ways then one. It was as if electricity was coursing through my veins, swelling through my body. It felt too good.
`I don't mind.' He smiled, smothering my lips with his own once more as his hand closed around my shaft, gently stroking me, caressing me, making me harder and hotter then I'd ever thought was possible.
This time I pulled away first, smiling almost sheepishly back at him as he continued to stroke me with one hand. I must taste disgusting.' I blurted, making his smile grow. I should really brush my teeth.'
He laughed a little, but not at me, more to dispel my nervousness. `You're nervous; you haven't been with a guy before?'
I shook my head.
That's okay, we'll go slow, I want you to be comfortable. We've got plenty of time.' He kissed me again, gently, slowly on the lips. And I want you to know, I said yes.'
`What?'
When your dad asked me if I was your boyfriend, I said yes.'