Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fiction. It involves romantic and/or sexual relationship between males. If you are offended of this subject matter, if you are a minor, or if you are in a place where it is illegal to read this type of literature, please stop reading now.
Copyright © 2008, 2014 by Fritz Diantan. All Rights Reserved. Except as permitted under the law, no part of this publication may be reproduced without the prior written permission of the Author.
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Falling for a Straight Guy Chapter Ten: Forgiveness
"Okay," started Mr. Arelio. "Let it be resolved that if one have an ability to help humanity obligates a person to do so even at the expense of one's liberty. What do you say, affirmative?"
"If it is good for humanity then it is also good for the individual. Sometimes, doing good to others require sacrifices," said Randolph. "It may come at a great cost but the reward may also be great."
Being in the negative side, Dave listened carefully as he analyzed for weaknesses in the argument. He never felt so pumped up at a Social Studies lesson before... and he did not notice the change in his demeanor.
"But an act can only be considered good if your motives is also good," said Dave, adamantly. "If you do something because you are expecting something in return, then that cannot be considered as a sacrifice."
"But what if it is for the greater good? What if, by sacrificing one person's life, millions can be saved? Isn't that the essence of heroism?" challenged Randolph.
"Who decides what is the greater good? Is it justifiable for one person to be pressured into giving up their freedom because the majority requires of it? Is it one person's responsibility to save a million people? The world? Being a hero must be a choice, not an obligation."
"I disagree," said Randolph as he paused for a bit while checking his notes. "I think everyone of us must contribute to help humanity if we have the ability to do so. Any person with a conscience will agree that it is the right thing to do."
"Will your conscience permit you to rest knowing that for you to live comfortably, someone else is suffering?" asked Dave, almost accusingly. "Because giving up one's freedom is tantamount to becoming a slave. Do you condone slavery, Mr. Cruz?"
"Of course not," said Randolph, defensively.
"Yet, based on your statements, you think it is okay to obligate someone to sacrifice his or her freedom for your sake and the rest of humanity. It seems you believe that not all human life is equal, that some lives are dispensable when enough people decide that it is the price of the greater good and completely disregarding the concept of freewill."
The class was silent after Dave's statement, waiting for Randolph's response who just stood quietly looking down at his notes. Mr. Arelio decided to end the debate at that point and awarded victory to the negative side.
Dave sat down, adrenaline still rushing through his veins. He smiled as the teacher discussed the conflicting views regarding freewill and determinism. As he listened to the lecture, Dave was completely oblivious to the way his classmate were looking at him.
"What is up with you?" asked Paul.
"What do you mean?" said Dave.
"It's like you're out for blood or something."
"Still have no clue what you're talking about."
Dave frowned at his friend as they ate their lunch. Turning to Belinda, he noticed that she was also looking at him just like Paul, as if he was growing fangs or something.
"The way you obliterated Randolph?" said Paul, pointedly.
"I thought that was the point," said Dave, confused. "Being in a debate and all."
"It's not just in Social Studies," said Belinda. "The way you corrected Ryan in Physics and Amanda in Literature--"
"Not to mention when you pointed out Ferdinand's mistake in Algebra. 'Corrected' was putting it mildly. It was like you're waiting for people to screw up so you can pounce and tear them a new one," said Paul.
Dave stared at his friends, extremely surprised by what he heard. It was never his intention to humiliate his classmates. But maybe now that he decided to be extra-focused on lessons, he was participating more than ever... participation that he now realize took the form of pointing out every mistake that comes up in lessons.
"I... didn't notice," said Dave, softly. "I wasn't trying to bully anyone."
"Yeah, we know. I mean, you're not wrong to correct people's answers but... maybe you can tone down the aggression?" suggested Belinda, carefully. "I'm noticing people are starting to be afraid whenever there's a recitation."
Biting his sandwich as an excuse to not reply immediately, Dave looked back at his behavior for the past few days. Yes, he was more attentive in lessons and raise his hand every time teachers asked a question. In the past, he did not mind if someone makes a minor mistake and also let others have the chance to answer in recitations as much as possible. But now, he was no longer thinking about others...
"Am I starting to be a bad person?" asked Dave to no one in particular.
Paul and Belinda looked at him then to each other.
"Of course not," said Paul.
With a thin smile, Dave continued eating, realizing that how he felt inside conflicted with his friend's reply.
"How was school?" asked Mrs. Garcia offering him a snack while she chopped some vegetables for dinner.
"It is... okay, I guess," said Dave as he put down his bag.
"What's wrong?"
"Ma, do you still have the therapist's number?" asked Dave as he took a doughnut.
Mrs. Garcia looked at him, obviously trying to appear calm.
"Yes. Do you want to start seeing a therapist?"
"I'm not sure yet... I don't know."
Sitting down beside him, Mrs. Garcia held her son's hand.
"If you want to, you can. We can afford it and you know I just want the best for you that's why I suggested it in the first time. There's no shame is asking for help."
Dave smiled to his mother.
"I'll think about it some more... I just wanted you to know."
As he picked up his bag and walked to his room, Dave failed to see his mother's guilt and great concern.
Closing the door, Dave exhaled slowly. It was new to him, to verbalize his feelings, his worries. Years of being on his own trained him to keep things locked inside and solve problems without others noticing or making them worry. It became second nature to pretend his was okay and at some point, he was able to fool himself that everything will be okay despite not knowing exactly how much more he can handle. Without noticing, he needed his two remaining friends to tell him that something was wrong.
Sitting down his bed, Dave looked at the shelf where put rows of picture frames showing great times with his friends and family. They depicted happy moments of his life: simple occasions like his win last year in the extemporaneous speech contest or their little party for Jaypee's birthday. Nothing fancy or life-altering occasion but those were the moment he had felt happiest.
Now that he barely looks at them, Dave felt conflicted. Did he make a mistake in letting his friends go, of not fighting harder to make them understand how it was like for him, to see things at his point of view? Or maybe it was the right thing to do, that he was just making excuses for these people because he was too used of them being in his life?
But was it wrong for him to feel angry, disappointed or betrayed? Why did he feel guilty despite knowing that his so-called friends were the ones who did not accept him for who he is? He was a teenager, of course he was just understanding and discovering who he really was. How can they expect him to tell them things that he did not understand or even know himself?
And then, there was Daniel, who was obviously asking for forgiveness for a mistake and circumstances that followed that Dave knew was not entirely the guy's fault...
His heart ached as Daniel's face flashed in his mind. Dave felt deeply for him, he might even love him but it was too painful to even think about Daniel. Having no previous experience about loving another person like this, Dave felt lost and without anyone to talk to, he had done what he had always done... keep it buried inside or push it aside.
Rolling on his bed, Dave sighed and caught himself sobbing but tried to restrain the sounds or else his mother would hear. He had done so much damage already for not being strong enough... he cannot let his mother or sister worry any more than they already were. Before, he was making all of them proud but now, it seemed all he do was hurt so many people.
"Are you coming?" asked Paul.
It was finally Friday, end of week the since Dave got back.
"I have to get something from the club HQ. You guys can go ahead," said Dave.
"We'll wait for you by the gate," said Belinda, obviously not taking no for an answer.
"Suit yourself. I'll only taking a minute."
Dave rushed to the Herald HQ to get the last few articles that he needed to proofread this weekend. He needed to finish everything so that the adviser can print out the paper the following week. As Dave went up the flight of stairs, his phone beeped. He expected it to be Belinda telling him they were not going home without him but the text turned out to be from someone else.
[SMS from Daniel: I'm outside the HQ. Can we meet?]
He did not bother to reply as Dave already got there and saw Daniel leaning against the HQ door.
"Hey," said Dave.
"Hi."
Daniel walked away from the door so Dave can open it.
"Can I talk to you?" asked Daniel, his voice low and nervous.
"Okay. But Belinda and Paul are waiting for me so..." said Dave as he walked in, opened the lights and went straight to his table, avoiding eye contact. He started rummaging for the articles, his heart beating fast.
Daniel went in after him and silently closed the door.
"What do you want to talk about?" Dave asked, his back turned to Daniel and doing everything he can to stall looking at the other guy.
"What happened to you was my fault and I know you can never forgive what I did," Dave heard Daniel say. "I don't know what else I can do to apologize. So..."
Dave sighed and took the folder he was looking for. He stood straight and turned but what he saw made his jaw drop.
Daniel stood in the middle of the room with only his pants, his shirt discarded in the floor with his bag. He looked at the floor, blushing slightly but also had this grave expression of guilty and remorse. After a minute of silence, Daniel finally looked up to see the shock in Dave's face.
"What?" asked Dave, dumbly as he stared at Daniel's well-developed chest and defined abs, his tanned skin reflecting the fluorescent lights giving him a faint glow.
Both of them swallowed nervously as they looked at each other. Dave felt his chest tightened but also threatened to explode as his heart pounded.
"You can do whatever you want to me," Daniel said, breaking the silence. "I won't stop you. You can beat me... you can... do anything."
As Dave slowly approached, Daniel closed his eyes, his body taking a submissive stance. He felt Dave's presence and heard the movement but the gentle slap to his face was a surprise that made his eyes shot open.
"That's for thinking I will take advantage of you," Dave said softly, his voice cracking with emotion. "I was the one who hurt myself. I did it to myself. You don't have to do... whatever this is."
"But if I was more careful of your letter... you wouldn't have done that," said Daniel, his tears now flowing freely as he looked at Dave's wrist. "I did nothing even if I saw how everyone was treating you. I pushed you away... you could have died."
"You're wrong. This was not just about how I feel for you... this is about things I pushed aside instead of dealing with them the right way. What happened was not your fault."
"Then why do I feel so..." Daniel did not finish as he closed his eyes and cried.
Dave let Daniel hug him tightly.
"Because you're a good person," whispered Dave as he let his arms embrace Daniel, touching the bare skin of his back, feeling his warmth. The guilt was also tearing Dave apart for not realizing what Daniel had been going through all this time.
"I'm so sorry," Dave heard Daniel sob, as the other guy embraced him tighter as if clinging on for dear life.
"I'm sorry too."
It was only for a few minutes. Daniel was able to control himself again and as they separated, he gave Dave a sheepish look. Dave felt embarrassed as well, as he realized how sexy Daniel looked without a shirt on.
"Maybe you should put... your shirt back on," said Dave as he stood back and gathered all his will power to stare at the ceiling.
"Yeah."
As Daniel got dressed, Dave pretended to check his bag then his phone and saw Belinda texted again. He replied that he was on his way down. When Dave looked up, he notice Daniel still looked sad.
"We are friends," said Dave, out of the blue.
This made Daniel stared at him and gave a grateful grin.
"Yes."
They went out of the room and Dave locked up. As the school gate got near, they saw Paul and Belinda waving at them just outside the grounds, with confused expressions on their faces. Dave smiled at them and waved back.
"You have a nice body, by the way," joked Dave, his voice barely a whisper.
"Thanks," said Daniel, blushing deeply.
"What happened between the two of you?" asked Belinda as she noticed the dramatic change on Dave.
They were now sitting in a jeepney on their way home. Daniel, whose house was in the opposite direction, already parted ways with them a few minutes ago.
Paul was also looking at Dave with a smile but kept his thoughts to himself. Dave blushed as he remembered what happened in the Herald HQ.
"We talked," said Dave. "We're friends again."
"That's good," said Belinda, who looked genuinely glad.
Dave was really happy but he could not shake the bad feeling he had ever since seeing Daniel shirtless and vulnerable. He recognized that expression, Daniel's feeling of defeat as he looked at Dave. It was the same darkness that consumed him when he hurt himself. Dave just realized that if he made the mistake of pushing Daniel away again, something bad could have happened...
Reflecting on his actions, Dave tried to sort out the conflicting thoughts and feelings he had. If he makes a bad decision, he realized he has the ability to push someone to the brink of hurting themselves. No matter how indirectly, the damage will still be a result of his actions and Dave knew that if that ever happens, he will be just as bad as Teresa.
Dave said goodbye to Paul and Belinda as he got off the jeepney. He tried really hard to not let them notice his concern. As he entered the house, Dave saw his mother sitting in the living room reading something in her tablet. She greeted him and immediately stood up.
"What's wrong?"
"Ma, I need help."
Dave sat in the waiting room. He felt a bit nervous when he realized that he was about to tell a complete stranger extremely personal things he would never say even to his family or friends.
'What if she thinks I'm a psychopath or something?' thought Dave, nervously. 'What if she thinks I would become a serial killer? What the hell was I thinking going here too early?'
Taking a deep breath, Dave distracted himself by studying the room. It was cozy, comfortably plain. The big window showed a great view of the city. He stood up to stare down the street when the sound of opening door made him almost jump through the glass.
"I'll see you next week, Xander," Dave heard the doctor say and as he turned, his nervousness redoubled.
"Thank you," said a handsome young man who looked just a few years older than Dave.
The guy turned and gave Dave a friendly smile as he walked toward the exit. Dave did not realize he stopped exhaling and was following the guy's movements as though already hypnotized even before his counseling session started.
"David?" asked the doctor. "Are you ready?"
"Yes," said Dave breathlessly.
He followed her but after stepping into the office, Dave turned back and saw Xander turned at the same time. They smiled at each other until the doctor closed her office door.
Dave's heart pounded like a drum but he was quite sure it was no longer about his worry of possibly being a psychopath.
(To be continued)
FROM THE AUTHOR:
I hope you enjoyed the new chapter of FSG. Phew! I thought I won't be able to finish before the typhoon cause any power/internet connection interruptions. Also, thank you for everyone who emailed and continues to encourage me. I hope I don't let you down.
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Have a great day, Fritz Diantan Ilagan theadlaotribe@gmail.com