Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fiction. It involves romantic and/or sexual relationship between males. If you are offended of this subject matter, if you are a minor, or if you are in a place where it is illegal to read this type of literature, please stop reading now.
Copyright © 2008 by Fritz Diantan Ilagan. All Rights Reserved. Except as permitted under the law, no part of this publication may be reproduced without the prior written permission of the Author.
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Falling for a Straight Guy Chapter Five: Epiphany
All of them offered Marcelo to stay at their houses just to give his father time and space but the gay teen rejected their help.
"But Marcy... he might hurt you again," said Marites.
"Mom won't let him," Marcelo said, reassuring his worried friends. "I'm sorry if I got overdramatic... I was just... I didn't know my dad would react like that. I'm sure he didn't really mean to hurt me. He's just stressed by work... maybe he got carried away because he and mom are having a rough time."
"Stressed as he is, that doesn't give him the right to hurt you," said Jemma. "It's against the law. You're a minor and this is child abuse, both physically and emotionally."
"I'll be fine," said Marcelo though Dave knew he heard some uncertainty in his voice. "I promise I'll run before he chops my head off the next time he tries to hurt me."
No one laughed.
The school was getting crowded as more students started to arrive. Some of them started to set up their respective booths but the decorations that Dave made with the help of the Student Council no longer cheered the gang.
"I'll be fine!" Marcelo repeated, his voice sounding more like his usual exasperated tone. "Are we going to skulk here all day or are we going to enjoy the remaining time for fun?"
"Fun? We are the masters of fun!" said Jaypee who put his arm around Marcelo's shoulders. "But promise to tell us whether you need help, okay?"
"Fine, but you might want to watch where those hands are going," warned Marcelo. "My parents are strict you know."
The mood turned around dramatically. The kikays rushed to `fix up' Marcelo because he looked like a crying lady of hire. Jemma and Belinda were now discussing the scenes of their skit while Jaypee and Paul looked wary about their characters.
"In fairness to you Davey, even though you barely have time for us anymore, you totally pulled the foundation week off," said Ferdinand as Dave stared at the students walking around the grounds. The school seemed to be all in smiles today.
"It's rough work but I guess it paid off," said Dave.
"So... I wanted to ask you this for weeks now," said Ferdinand in a low tone.
Dave gulped slightly as he knew Ferdinand meant business whenever he spoke that way.
"How's Daniel?"
"What?"
"You know, what kind of guy is he? Is he a dumb jock, a nerd or a Mr. Berson?" asked Ferdinand.
"A Mr. Berson?" said Dave, looking thoroughly lost. Ferdinand rolled his eyes.
"You know... is he okay with my kind or is he a homophobe?"
"How should I know?" Dave said this louder than he expected, but the rest of the gang was too preoccupied to notice- Shaina was now doing Marcelo's hair.
"Well, you two seemed to be okay with each other the last time we saw you," said Ferdinand. "You know, the day of the City Meet when you ditched us; you two were talking then right?"
"Well... yeah, we were but... it was only... about writing stuff," said Dave. Beads of sweat started to form on his forehead.
"Still, what kind of guy is he?"
Dave looked at Ferdinand. He knew that if Ferdy wanted to know something, the gay teen would go to any length to get what he wanted.
"I guess, Dan is okay," said Dave, averting his friend's eyes. "He's deep and sensitive and kind..."
"I thought you weren't close?" Ferdinand commented, raising an inquiring eyebrow.
"Well, if you had been a writer... you would have seen it by the way he writes his editorials," Dave reasoned wildly. "You can sometimes tell a person's character by how they handle their words on paper."
"Oh, okay if you say so," said Ferdinand indifferently.
Dave frowned a little; the gang had always been uninterested whenever the Herald or writing was concerned; he found it hurtful that the most important group of people in his life didn't seem to care about what he considered as his most important talent.
With bloodshot eyes and an aching stiff neck, Dave stared at his laptop looking frustrated for the lack of information. He had been doing research for no less than three hours now, yet his search only found him useless porn sites, chat rooms- where people only wanted to watch him strip via a web cam- and blogs that were also asking the same questions he was.
It was the first time that the internet failed to help him solve something throughout his entire academic history, and it aggravated Dave. His math class that morning had not gone as smoothly either. It was very hard to take credit in class because he corrected one of his classmates... Dave would have felt less guilty if it was not Daniel he embarrassed.
"Are you quite sure of your answer Mr. Rodrigo?" said Mrs. Mendoza that morning.
"Yes ma'am," said Daniel but it was obvious he thought the contrary. He returned to his seat, barely glancing at Dave, who was sitting at the front, ignoring the apologizing look on the guy's face.
"Well, Mr. Garcia, can you tell me what Mr. Rodrigo missed?"
Dave wanted to chop off Mrs. Mendoza's head right there and then as he stood up and looked at the solution on the blackboard. Of course, he saw it right away and he wondered how Daniel had missed it. For a split second, Dave debated with himself whether to point it out and prove Daniel wrong or act stupid and be humiliated himself; a "no-win" situation that gave him only one solution...
`Self-preservation.'
"The signs are mixed up," murmured Dave, but it was loud enough to be heard by the whole class.
"Please show us your solution then."
Feeling like a pompous ass, Dave approached the blackboard, erased Daniel's work and wrote the new solution. When he turned back, Dave was stopped dead by the layers of emotion in Daniel's face: disappointment, annoyance and gloom. Mrs. Mendoza's next words did not help reduce the familiar stab of pain in Dave's chest.
"Very good work, Dave. Nice to finally see you trying to redeem yourself."
Dave closed his eyes and stopped himself from thinking about what had happened. Jaypee and Paul patted his back that morning clearly encouraging him but the act only added to the weight on his shoulders. He never wanted to shine just because he pointed out other people's mistakes.
Everyone noticed Daniel's change after Dave dismissed him from the Herald, though Dave never told anyone about the dismissing part. The Herald staff assumed that Daniel could no longer manage the strain (as many newbie writers quit after a few weeks) and Dave had not tried to correct these assumptions. He knew if the staffers found out what he did, they would bombard him with questions, afraid that they might be the next one to be kicked out from the newspaper.
As for friendship, Dave and Daniel never talked to each other in or out of class after the incident. Dave even noticed that Daniel tried his best not to be with Dave in any group assignments in any of their lessons. No eye contact. No acknowledgment that they ever knew each other. Some of Dave's friends noticed this, Ferdinand in particular, but they did not bother to prod any deeper as Dave tended to get uptight easily when pressured.
Nevertheless, Dave missed him. He knew it and he felt ashamed of everything he did and was doing. He was continually lying to his friends, stating he do not have any problems, plus he just crushed somebody else's self-esteem just to boost his own, but it was still not helping his cause. Dave glanced at the stack of papers beside his computer and the sight of the official looking letter on top gave him further disappointment.
He thought very hard of it and decided he would not forge his grade slip. It had been a tradition' for Marina and Dave to send a copy of their grades every quarter to their parents to see how the investments worked out'. Though he knew his sister had faked it one time, Dave did not find the need to follow this example as his grades had always been satisfactory in the past. Now, even though he did not fail any of his subjects, Dave was still nervous because his scores were below the standard his parents had set. However, he knew he could not lie to them... he was already lying to too many people at the moment.
And I'm lying to myself...' thought Dave as he opened his eyes again and stared hard at the computer screen. I like him... that feeling I'm sure of. I wouldn't be suffering like this if I didn't. Maybe I am gay...I am gay?'
He repositioned his slightly shaking fingers on top of his keyboard and typed a new question to search. It was direct and as simple as he could phrase so that the search engine wouldn't misinterpret it:
"What is good in being gay?"
Dave was now ready to accept it... he at least owed it to himself. Closing his eyes, Dave pushed the return button. After a few seconds, he opened them again and saw he got three thousand hits for the question but Dave's heart began pounding as he saw the words: `equality, freedom and love...' at the top of his search results.
Clicking the link, Dave found himself reading a short article.
SOCIETY'S CONTROVERSIES
The love that dares to speak its name...
Ever since the ancient Greeks, homosexuality has been an issue. Some historians say that being gay was accepted in ancient times and there were even historical accounts telling the modern world that it was encouraged to some extent. Yet now, homosexuals have a very difficult time, to say the least. Today, when the greatest inventions and scientific achievements have been made possible, you would think that humans would have also evolved to a certain level of acceptance.
Now more than ever, society has grown very intolerant, egocentric, selfish and conceited. In the past, homosexuals suffered bigotry, abuse and cruelty. Times have not changed, as gays and lesbians are still battered by society due to differences of beliefs and preferences. So here, I ask, "Does it harm anyone if Juan loves Pedro and Pedro loves Juan?"
How can humans spend most of their lives learning about the secrets of flying to outer space and curing deadly illnesses, but can't pause to try and understand that we shouldn't limit ourselves to the appearance of our genitalia? That we should first cure the deadliest of all afflictions: prejudice. It seems rather disappointing that people's minds grow more intelligent yet their hearts grow less lenient.
In addition, many cultures and religions believe that homosexuality is a sin, a crime of the flesh, abnormal and unnatural. Millennia worth of history is what these cultures and religions use to back up their allegations and my little voice would be a sheer whisper compared to that. But I believe that we shouldn't limit ourselves to the binding powers of culture and religion, for they only show a small fraction of the bigger picture. Maybe we should listen to our hearts and not to the mouths of some single-minded preachers.
Probably some will say that everything in this article is obsolete because it's the same old story; nothing's new. Nothing's changed. But if we truly look at it, that's where our problems lie. Humanity is not evolving because the problems five decades ago are still problems today.
Is there anything good in being gay, you may ask? In my observation, only equality, freedom and love. Gayness surpassed race, age, social status, complexion, hair color or educational background. We care for none of these things for we are united by love. We had discovered to tolerate our differences and strive to know our similarities more than any race or group on the face of this earth. We are evolving one-step at a time, even though we are persecuted because we have been brave enough to be true to ourselves.
The potential of humanity is in a stand still because we are letting others hold the remote. Be your own voice. Be your own hands. Speak your mind. Come out of the closet because you are not as alone as you may think.
Give your voice to the love that dares to speak its name.
It took some time before the realization hit Dave. He reread the article one more time, savoring the meaning of the words in front of him. It stated, loud and clear, all the issues that gave him anxiety right from the start: the prejudice, intolerance, the negative view of society... all of it. Dave saw the argument within the article on how humanity's genius can comprehend the complexity of science and space yet could not tolerate the fact of same sex love. The article voiced out what Dave wanted to say to the whole damn, bigoted world.
Give your voice to the love that dares to speak its name,' read Dave silently. Am I ready for that? Can I come out of the closet?'
A shiver ran through Dave's spine as he imagined how the people in his life would react if he ever admitted what he was; the studentry, his teachers, his friends, his parents... Dave knew only a small percentage would accept the truth about him. They had invested too much in him and they had encased him in an image he could not afford to shatter... other people's view of him had always been important to Dave and had been the basis of his motivations.
I'm a president...' thought Dave, How can they follow a gay leader?'
Absentmindedly, Dave scrolled down the screen and saw an intriguing button.
GAY HEROES OF HISTORY
"Gay Heroes?" he muttered as he clicked.
Another page materialized on the screen and he was stunned by what he saw. It was a profile list of prominent gay personalities and celebrities. Dave's eyes grew as he saw some names of ancient philosophers, renaissance artists, even scientists that he admired on the list.
`I never knew he was gay?' Dave thought incredulously as he recognized one prominent name after another. Surveying hundreds of names, Dave realized how stupid he was to think there were no paragons to emulate... he himself was prejudiced, assuming there was no greatness in being gay.
He read some articles about foreign and some Filipino homosexuals. Dave was even surprised to see some straight personalities on the lists who did not mind advocating the gay cause, their belief in equality and acceptance for all. From poets to philosophers, from activists to athletes, from soldiers to congressmen, Dave felt elated as he perused through history. He recognized many of the Filipino names in the list; some even made his face glow with pride because of their courage.
`Courage...'
Dave fiddled on his track pad for a minute, thinking hard. He had never felt truly afraid in the past as Dave had strong faith; he had always been an optimist believing that with enough conviction, everything is possible. Yet, the realist in him had always balanced his judgment letting him see the truth and prevented him in straying from reason. Now the two dimensions of his mind were clashing like continental plates during an earthquake.
The problem was that Dave knew people would be disappointed or even be weird out by him if they found out. He was not the image of the stereotypical Filipino gay after all. Dave was not effeminate in his movements, he never wanted to look like a girl, unlike Ferdinand and Marcelo, and had never been attracted to a guy before... except for Daniel. For some reason, Dave knew that his deviation from the typical image of bakla would raise an overwhelming number of questions.
A few minutes of thinking later, Dave frowned.
`What did I see in Daniel anyway?'
His mind instantly reminded Dave of his conversation with Daniel, the connection they shared where they were both trying to forget their insecurities by drowning themselves with work and to show other people that they were more than they appear. Dave saw a wonderful, kind and sensitive person in Daniel... a deep individual who shared his need to prove something. An equal....
I'm not ready to tell the world... not yet. But I think Daniel would understand,' thought Dave, biting his lower lip. It was unfair and I owe it to him to give some explanation... the real explanation. He'll understand...'
Deciding that he had to correct his mistakes, Dave opened his word processing program and started typing. He knew he could not talk to Daniel and say all that he wanted to say without buckling or forgetting something. So, Dave decided to write a letter instead; a letter where he would apologize and admit everything. Daniel had shown his maturity and empathy... Dave knew he could trust the guy.
Looking obviously nervous, Dave sat at the barely loaded jeepney, rereading the letter he typed just last night, shivering, partially due to the early morning chill. It was concise and simple, as Dave had intended to ensure Daniel would easily understand everything he wanted to say. Dave's heartbeat pounded in his ears, slightly muffling the roaring engine of the vehicle.
Dave's plan was to get to school earlier than usual in order to give Daniel the letter without arising suspicion from the gang. He had asked Daniel through text to do the same. It was lucky Dave had all the contact numbers of the Herald staffers. As Dave got off the jeepney, he hoped Daniel was already waiting for him or he might have a hard time trying to find an opportunity to give the letter once his friends arrived.
Luckily, there were only three students in the seniors-A classroom when Dave arrived but, unfortunately, Daniel was not there yet. Putting his backpack on his chair, Dave prayed for Daniel to turn up soon. However, Dave did not need to wait long as the boy he was waiting for entered the room just a few minutes later. Dave stood and approached Daniel, who looked at him warily.
"Can we talk?" asked Dave. "Outside?"
"Okay," said Daniel. Dave was not sure but Daniel also looked apprehensive as they went out to the deserted corridor.
"Um... thanks for coming to school earlier than usual," Dave began barely keeping eye contact, an act that only made Daniel's foreboding increase. "I just wanted to apologize for... the way I kicked you off the Herald. Here..."
He pulled from his pocket the folded letter and gave it to Daniel. Confused, Daniel took the letter then looked at Dave, uncertain of what to do with it.
"I wrote the explanation... I'm not really good at saying sorry and I didn't want to forget anything so I wrote it down. I hope you'll understand," said Dave then he gave Daniel a thin, wan smile and went down the stairs. He intended to give Daniel some space while the guy read the letter.
Dave went to the cafeteria to get some breakfast. He was so nervous that morning he skipped it, afraid he might puke it all out if he got too nervous while talking to Daniel. Now that he already handed over the letter, Dave decided it was safe to put something in his empty stomach, although he could not keep himself from thinking what might be going on in Daniel's mind right now. It was a big risk, Dave knew that, but he felt he needed to let something out eventually or he would implode.
Dave tucked in to his sandwich, while on the other side of New Valley High, Daniel was shocked as he read the letter.
Dear Daniel,
I want to apologize for the way I treated you last week. I know it was totally unfair and insensitive of me to behave the way I did. Please believe that am truly sorry and I'm writing this letter to finally give you the explanation, the real reason, why I did it.
You're probably wondering why I gave you a letter instead of just talking to you personally. It's just that I'm not very good in apologizing... you can just say that I never had too many experiences of disappointing others in the past. And also, I knew that if I explained to you in person, I might trip over my tongue and fail to explain everything thoroughly.
The truth is your work was never a problem; the editorials you wrote were great but I needed an alibi to dismiss you from the Herald because I wanted to distance myself from you... in an attempt to sort out my mind due to the feelings I'm experiencing towards you.
I don't know how to put it any other way... I think I'm attracted to you, Daniel. I feel something more than friendship or camaraderie. I don't know what it means yet... I'm uncertain if it's just a crush, admiration... or maybe it's already... love. Maybe I'm bi or gay or whatever. You have no idea how hard it is to figure out. I never felt anything like this before but I could no longer deny the connection I feel for you, something that I never felt for my other friends.
I tried convincing myself for the past few weeks that it might just be some weird idolization or envy, that maybe I'm just striving for a deeper friendship with you. I even hoped that it was just a phase, that given time I would be able to grow out of. But the harder I tried to continue denying it, the more it made my head spin in confusion. And also, it made me do things that I deeply regret.
I'm sorry for dropping this bombshell on you, it's just that I have been going crazy keeping it all bottled up inside. Hoping that by explaining this to you, I would be able to release some steam and make you understand why I acted such an idiot.
I'm not asking you anything in return Daniel. I'm not telling these things to you because I expect reciprocation or for you to feel sorry for me. I just want you to understand the real reasons behind my actions.
I also want you to know that you are welcome to come back to the Herald, if you still want to continue writing. I know how important the Herald is for you and truthfully, the paper needs you. I'm hoping that we can be friends again, just friends, and go back to how things were if that is even possible. I'm truly sorry for everything I did and I hope you understand.
Respectfully, David
P.S.: I'm hoping we can just keep this between the two of us. I'm not ready for anyone to find out yet. Thank you for listening.
(To be continued...)
FROM THE AUTHOR:
Hello everyone!
I hope you guys enjoyed the new chapter. I am now posting this story in my blog and the chapters are available as PDF and ePub files. The individual chapter files can be downloaded for free. I encourage you guys to subscribe to my blog so that you can get automatically notified if I posted a new chapter (because I may miss notifying readers through email).
http://theadlaotribe.wordpress.com/falling-for-a-straight-guy/
In other news:
A consolidated ebook of Love Assassin (my other Nifty story) is now available in Smashwords.com. If you enjoy my writing, please check it out and buy a copy. As a limited-time offer, customers can set the price they want to pay for the ebook. Thank you for your support. I may also publish the first book of Love Assassin as a paperback (physical) book... if you think that it's a worth-while thing to do, please give me your thoughts.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/415936
Please also check out my other work, ADLAO: The Hidden Tribe.
=> Amazon Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00F1JUK7S => Amazon Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/ADLAO-Hidden-Tribe-Chronicles-Volume/dp/1492396702 => CreateSpace Paperback: https://www.createspace.com/4438483
A simple message or comment about my writing also serve as encouragement. You may contact me via email at theadlaotribe@gmail.com.
Check out my other story: Love Assassin http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/adult-friends/love-assassin http://theadlaotribe.wordpress.com/love-assassin/
Thank you for reading!
Fritz Diantan theadlaotribe.wordpress.com