Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fiction. It involves romantic and/or sexual relationship between males. If you are offended of this subject matter, if you are a minor, or if you are in a place where it is illegal to read this type of literature, please stop reading now.
Copyright © 2008 by Fritz Diantan Ilagan. All Rights Reserved. Except as permitted under the law, no part of this publication may be reproduced without the prior written permission of the Author.
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Falling for a Straight Guy Chapter Four: Who am I?
Within Dave's mind, a storm was gathering; it prevented him from getting any rest as his brain was bombarded with visions of him and Daniel... walking in moonlit pathways... staring at each others eyes and...
Dave rolled over on his bed and shivered though the night was far from cold.
`Jemma might have been mistaken or exaggerating when she said those signs', Dave told himself for at least fifty times now. He sure as hell was not going to tell himself that he was attracted to another guy! He was not like that... he cannot be like that.
"I'm not gay," whispered Dave to the shadows around him. He closed his eyes to try to get some sleep but Daniel's face popped into his mind as though it was pasted behind his eyelids.
`What's happening to me?'
The class was as noisy as ever and most of the clatter was made by the gang, as Ferdinand and Marcelo performed their antics while the rest cheered to the jokes. Physics was their last subject but apparently Mrs. Lason was late. Dave watched in silence, though he was not listening to his two friends, their jokes not enough to distract his reverie. His sight was the only sense that was working as Dave watched the two gay teens.
Ferdinand and Marcelo were the kind of people that did not care what other people say about them. They were two proud homosexuals and even though they hear name-callings and insults from people around them, Ferdy and Marcy still acted as though nothing in the world could bring them down.
He knew it must be hard to endure the prejudice and bigotry which gave Dave a very high opinion for Ferdinand and Marcelo. But they were worlds apart... Ferdy and Marcy were effeminate, soft spoken and loud while Dave was manly, popular to girls and a man with a few words. Dave never wanted to look like Madonna or Britney. Dave never found Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt kissable...
`But...' Dave took his eyes away from the dancing and prancing gay guys at the front of the class and gave a nervous glance at the back where Daniel sat laughing. The guy caught Dave's eyes and Daniel smiled warmly to him. Blushing furiously, Dave returned his eyes towards the blackboard.
God, he felt disgusted with himself. Dave felt his stomach crunching as though he wanted to wretch pails full of slugs; hairs all over his body rose to the roots as he felt goose bumps form on his skin. He felt contaminated... infected... perverted.
`This can't be happening. I am not attracted to him!'
"Okay, Mr. Berson and Mr. Samat, you can now take your seats," said Mrs. Lason. The class giggled as Ferdinand and Marcelo paused mid-dance by the look the teacher gave them. "Thank you for entertaining the class but this is a school, not a circus tent. Also, I hope all of you reviewed our lesson from last week. I thought it would be fun if we have a recitation today."
"This woman needs to review her dictionary," whispered Marcelo to Ferdinand as they sat down while the class groaned in disgust. "She totally got her definition of fun screwed up."
"Well, let's start with mister... Cruz," called Mrs. Lason as Randolph nervously stood up. "Can you tell me the difference between generators and motors?"
"Well, motors are devices that transform electrical energy into mechanical energy while generators do the reverse, meaning it transforms mechanical energy to electrical energy," answered Randolph confidently.
"Very good Mr. Cruz, you can now sit," said Mrs. Lason. "Next, would be... Mr. Garcia."
It was like being on center stage as every eye in the class turned to look at Dave. Breathing in deeply to still his nerves, Dave stood and faced the dreaded physics teacher.
"Can you explain to the class the principle of electromagnetism?"
"Um... well, electromagnetism is—" Dave started but it was as though his mind went blank. He couldn't remember anything about the term... it seemed his mind thought electromagnetism was not as important compared with Dave's confused feeling towards Daniel.
"Dave?" prodded Mrs. Lason, apparently surprised that her star student found himself lost for words. "Do you need some help?"
"Um... I'm sorry ma'am... I forgot." Dave sat down, his face burning in humiliation. Even the gang was shocked as they looked at him.
"Stop staring at me!" Dave snapped to Jemma as the girl continued to look at him in concern. Jaypee glowered to him but Dave ignored them all. Mrs. Lason called to another student to answer, though still glancing in Dave's direction every now and then.
The recitation became dismal after Dave's drawback; not much students had been able to answer even Mrs. Lason's easiest questions.
"Next week, we'll have a review test for the periodical exams," reminded the teacher. "I want you all to review. I will let this poor recitation slip as it's obvious not many of you were ready. I want a better performance on the test next week. Class dismissed."
Mrs. Lason moved to exit the classroom but paused by the door and called, "David, I want a word with you."
Exhaling quite loudly, Dave stood and walked after the teacher, not even noticing Mica and Marites wishing him good luck. The staff room was nearly empty except for two teachers besides Mrs. Lason. Mrs. Mendoza and Mr. Davis were talking quietly but stopped their conversation and looked at Dave as he walked towards Mrs. Lason's table.
"Well, I never thought I'd see the day," said Mrs. Lason, giving Dave a wan smile. "Sit down Dave. You've been looking exhausted for the pass week."
"Why, what's wrong with Mr. Garcia?" asked Mrs. Mendoza as Dave sat in front of Mrs. Lason's desk.
"He had a mental block in my recitation today and I noticed his quizzes were slipping too- though, fortunately, no failing scores yet."
"Now that I think about it," said Mr. Davis while opening his record book behind Mrs. Mendoza. "I noticed Randolph's getting the top spot lately. You getting tired of my subject Dave?"
"No sir," Dave started to say immediately. "It's just that... I'm getting flooded with so much work. I promise I'll sort out everything and I'll be able to focus more in lessons."
"David, we believe you have great potential," said Mrs. Lason, "and we know you expect so much from yourself already but don't you think you are biting more than you can chew?"
"What we're trying to say Dave is that, in college, they won't give you extra points for co-curricular affairs," said Mrs. Mendoza. "And I think you should prioritize your classes more than the student government and the school paper. You already look as though you're ready to pass out."
Dave closed his eyes and rubbed his face with both hands, just to spare himself from his teachers' lofty stares. They were acting as though they knew everything, as though they knew exactly what was happening inside him but in truth, they were far from hitting the target.
He admitted that his performance was a little off lately, but Dave knew it was not to the point of making his grades suffer. With the council's agenda, finishing the newspaper, preparing for exams and trying to sort out his head from confusing thoughts, to say that Dave was `snowed under' was an understatement indeed... even though it doesn't snow in the Philippines.
"You have to learn to let some things go," advised Mr. Davis giving Dave a fatherly smile. "Though all of us are very proud of you, David. As a matter of fact, no student has been able to accomplish this much in the history of this school and it would be a shame if everything was to go down the drain just because you didn't pass P.E."
The other teachers chuckled and Dave forced himself to smile. As he went back to the classroom, Dave caught sight of the gang apparently discussing his diminishing performance. Then his vision, as though magnetized, went to look for Daniel.
Dave's way of handling things was by rationalizing every problem. Intelligence ruled most of his decisions and he rarely let his feelings cloud his better judgment. And with the problem at hand, he tried to find reasons and ways, other things that could explain his feelings. It was far more acceptable to tire himself in searching than to accept the truth that was staring him in the face.
He knew that the only explanation for his feelings was an attraction to Daniel... no more, no less. But in definition, a guy that is attracted to others guys are gay... and society's opinion of gay people inflicted Dave's heart with fear. He knew it would be hard to accept if he was indeed gay; he could see it in how people treated his friends, Ferdinand and Marcelo everyday.
He could not be bakla because bakla were effeminate, cross-dressing males, soft and weak. This stereotype of gays was the only one that society knew. If you're gay then you're nothing good. Years of teaching, by media and by religion, told Dave that gays were inferior, mediocre and only deserve damnation. This in turn fueled discrimination and maltreatment and Dave could not endure that... people looked up to him, they expected many things from him... he was born for greatness.
The gang was talking amongst themselves, oblivious that Dave was already there. Though he knew they were waiting for him, Dave hastily picked up his bag and went straight back out of the room; he was just not in the mood to be picked on. It was the kikays' hobby for the pass week to bombard him with questions... questions that he himself did not know how to answer. But unfortunately, Shaina glanced by the door and saw Dave trying to slip out.
"Dave! Where are you going?" she asked with a half-accusing, half-disappointed tone.
"Oh... I'm... I need to go to the Herald office. We have a meeting," said Dave turning on the spot. He did not want to look at them for he was sure they were all glaring at him. "I'm already late. I'll see you tomorrow, guys."
"But..." Jaypee started to say but Dave dashed out of sight. Looking thoroughly annoyed, Jaypee rounded to his friends. "Is it me or is Dave acting weird lately?"
"It's not you," said Ferdinand. "He's in total gunk."
"Gunk?" asked Belinda.
"Guy funk," said Marcelo. "There is something going on in that boy's head that he is not telling us."
"He's irritable and so jumpy lately. He even shouted at Mica, Shaina and me when we tried to ask him why," said Marites haughtily. "It's obvious he has some problem but why isn't he telling? We never kept anything from each other before..."
He hurried down the stairs. Dave knew the gang was discussing his strange act and probably they were already thinking of strategies on how to worm an explanation from him. Walking briskly to the Herald office where most of the Herald staffers were already waiting, Dave pushed the gang from his head. He needed a clear mind today or the Herald will not be finished. But when he entered the cramp room, Dave stopped dead as he saw Daniel laughing in a corner with Catherine and Rowel. Dave always like the look in Daniel's face whenever he laughed. Though it made him feel elated, it was also not good since whatever was in Dave's mind at that moment, would be wiped out as though he had been stuck by temporary amnesia.
Shaking his head to clear his mind, Dave proceeded to instructing the staff to do everything they could to rush the pending articles. Then he stood still, with a bit of hesitation, pondering whether what he was about to do would be for the better. There was only one way to ensure he got some work done... and that was to push away the distraction.
"Daniel... can I... can I have a word?" Dave said as the other staffers went to write their stuff. Daniel, who looked to be in a good mood, smiled to Dave as he approached.
"Sure chief. What's up?"
Dave looked around the office. "Outside. I have to tell you something."
Frowning slightly to Dave's unusual seriousness, Daniel followed his editor out of the office where they couldn't be overheard. With a look totally void of expression, Dave faced Daniel. But the other guy talked before Dave got the chance to say anything.
"You alright Dave? You look as though some sleep wouldn't hurt you," said Daniel.
"I'm okay," said Dave, trying to make his voice chipped and business-like. "I have to tell you something. I haven't been sleeping lately because... well, I'm busy sorting out stuff... involving you."
Daniel's brows shoot up in surprise.
"Huh?"
"I've been copyreading the finished articles these past nights and I noticed your work is... not that efficient anymore."
Looking downright worried, Daniel stayed silent and just looked at Dave. The editor-in-chief inhaled deeply before saying:
"I think it would be best if you left the paper."
"What?!" Daniel said in shock. "Dave are you... are you kicking me out?"
Unable to look in Daniel's eyes anymore, Dave diverted his sight to the staffers inside who were all oblivious of what was happening.
"I'm having problems in rewriting your articles and it's... taking much of my time. I barely finish my own features; all my energy gets wasted by repairing your work. I'm sorry Daniel but I... need to let you go."
It took all his effort to look at Daniel again. The guy stared back at Dave, his eyes demanding more, even asking Dave to suddenly laugh and say everything he just said was a bad joke. Minutes passed, the two guys faced each other in deafening silence. When it was apparent that Dave would not say anymore, Daniel closed his eyes and nodded stiffly.
"I guess... if that's... I'll go then."
A pain shot inside Dave that nearly made him wince as he saw Daniel enter the office, pick up his things and then come out again with an expression, that Dave knew, would haunt him.
"It's been... this had been a great experience, working with you," said Daniel to Dave, giving a brave smile, then he turned and walked away.
Though a voice inside his head screamed to call the leaving guy back, Dave tightened his lips and gritted his teeth to stop himself from shouting the words. He tried not to but his eyes had minds of their own; his vision glazed as if a thick mist suddenly blocked his sight. Ashamed, Dave turned to the wall behind him and wiped his eyes.
"It was for the best," whispered Dave in an effort to console himself.
`But why does it feel so wrong.'
He devoted his nights surfing the net for websites that might be able to tell him that his feelings were just envy or idolization. He spent night after night reading books on adolescence believing that it was just a phase... that being attracted to the same sex was a period in life that every teenager would have to experience. But Dave failed to satisfy himself with the answers he read. Instead of getting comprehension, he just buried himself in more confusion. Maybe because he was fighting to see the whole picture... afraid that he might not like what it showed him.
He thought kicking Daniel off the paper would make him more focused now that they were spending less time together. However, his tactic bit him in the ass when guilt came to the picture and added to his confusion. Dave knew that Daniel loved the paper because it gave him a sense of pride. Daniel told Dave that he strive to show his family and himself that he could do great things and the Herald was the first step to self-assertion. Daniel was building his dreams with the pride he was getting from being a member of the most elite organization in the school.
But the editor-in-chief kicked him out because Dave was afraid that he might be falling for the guy...
The guilt and confusion now bonded as if the two plagues had merged to further torment Dave. He thought that if he did not talk or even look at Daniel, he would be able to move on and go back to how it had been. But Dave's grades were fluctuating, sometimes he received high scores and sometimes he even came near to getting the lowest. Moreover, it was nothing compared to his behavior, he became more irritable. His focus was long gone and he felt as though he wanted to throw up all the time. And this feeling just amplified the last morning of the foundation week when Marcelo got to school crying his eyes out.
The gang was huddled in their usual spot by the benches. Dave was sitting between Mica and Jemma, trying to ignore their questioning stares that Dave knew were not connected to the theater program he was trying to explain to them. The gang together with the NVHS Artist Guild was going to be performing a little skit for the school's entertainment later that day. Dave was just explaining to them how the program will proceed when Ferdinand gave an almighty cry.
"Marcy! What happened?"
The kikays immediately got off the bench to let Marcelo sit down. His eyes were red and puffy and Dave wondered how he managed to get to school in that state. Everyone started to ask him what was wrong but the poor teen just continued to sob. After a few more minutes, Marcelo explained everything.
"Dad... he saw... my collection," Marcelo said between sobs. Ferdinand clapped his hand on his mouth while Shaina, Mica and Marites whispered, "Oh my gosh..."
"What collection?" asked Belinda.
"My magazines... my collection of Hot Bods," said Marcelo. Dave gave a tentative glance to Paul and Jaypee. They knew that Hot Bods was a woman's magazine.
"He... went to my room... and saw them stacked at my bedside table... He went wild after he saw the guys on the covers. Then... he threw them to me and stared hitting me," said Marcelo and Dave noticed that his friend's arms were red with bruises and the top of Marcelo's chest had started to turn purple.
"He said he'll kill me first before I dishonor the family and that... I must... stop being a faggot... or I'll... find another house to..." Marcelo did not finish as he got consumed with emotion, hid his face with his hands, and started howling louder. Some of the passing students stared in the gang's direction, looking worried.
Paul and Jaypee looked deadly while Ferdinand and the kikays had tears on their faces. Belinda and Jemma looked shocked; they could not believe Mr. Berson could do such a thing. Marcelo was an only child and they were stunned to find out that a father was capable of hurting his only son like that.
Dave stared at his crying friend, unable to say anything to comfort him. Marcelo was beaten by his father just because he was keeping magazines with pictures of topless men on the covers... his father had hurt him because Marcelo was not the way Mr. Berson wanted.
`Because he was gay,' thought Dave.
Can this life be more damned?
To be continued...
From the Author:
A new chapter of Falling for a Straight Guy! Just after... more than a month.
Okay, sorry for the long wait but I hope you guys enjoyed it.
On other news, by next week, both of my Nifty stories (Falling for a Straight Guy and Love Assassin) will be available in ePub and PDF formats on my blog/website for those who want it. I'm just finishing up the cover arts.
For everyone who downloaded my novel ADLAO: The Hidden Tribe last month, thank you so much and I hope you enjoy it. Don't forget to rate or review it if you think it's worth the bother :)
=> Amazon Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00F1JUK7S => Amazon Paperback: http://www.amazon.com/ADLAO-Hidden-Tribe-Chronicles-Volume/dp/1492396702 => CreateSpace Paperback: https://www.createspace.com/4438483
You can also show support by sending words of encouragement or a simple hello. Also, I can also notify you when a new chapter is available. Drop an email at theadlaotribe@gmail.com.
If your curious about me and my thought process, you can visit http://theadlaotribe.wordpress.com
Check out my other Nifty story: Love Assassin: (a dark love story at the Gay Adult-Friends section) http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/adult-friends/love-assassin
Thank you for reading!
Fritz Diantan