Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fiction. It involves romantic and/or sexual relationship between males. If you are offended of this subject matter, if you are a minor, or if you are in a place where it is illegal to read this type of literature, please stop reading now.
Copyright © 2008, 2014 by Fritz Diantan Ilagan. All Rights Reserved. Except as permitted under the law, no part of this publication may be reproduced without the prior written permission of the Author.
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Falling for a Straight Guy Chapter Eleven: Healing
Dave sat quietly, feeling vulnerable than he had ever been before.
"Hello, Dave. I'm Dr. Chelsea Pietro. Your mom told me that you had a challenging time these past few months," said the doctor, smiling sympathetically.
Looking at his therapist, Dave tried to read what was going on inside her mind as she stared back at him. But it was like being in front of a sphinx... or maybe he was just over-thinking things as always.
"Yes. I guess," said Dave. "I'm sorry. I'm not really sure how this work."
"It's okay. We're just here to talk. You can tell me whatever you want... your concerns or problems. Everything you tell me will be confidential, even to your mother."
"Um... okay."
"How about we start with your friends? How do you feel about them?"
Faces of Paul and Belinda flashed on Dave's mind as he heard the word 'friends' and then Daniel's followed which made him smile.
"Some of them are great. Paul and Belinda stick with me through everything and I just patched up things with Daniel," said Dave but his smile wavered. "But the others... we just drifted apart."
"Why?" asked Dr. Pietro.
Dave's heart started pounding as he remembered that day when Ferdinand, Marcelo, and the others confronted him, their faces full of disappointment and distrust.
"They left me behind," said Dave softly. "They thought I betrayed them because I didn't tell them first that I was attracted to another guy. That I should have told them before others knew because we were friends and so I was a liar. They said I wasn't the person that they knew so they pushed me away."
"Do you think you've betrayed them?"
"No," said Dave defiantly. "I didn't understand what my feelings meant then, even now I'm still confused. It's the first time I felt that way towards another person so I didn't know how or what to tell them. And I was scared too... of what could happen if I tell anyone."
Looking down, Dave listened to the quiet scratching of the pen on paper as Dr. Pietro noted what he said.
"How do you feel now that you're not friends with them anymore?" asked the doctor.
"Frustrated," Dave said laughing bitterly. "I miss them a lot. I know why they felt betrayed or disappointed because they just don't understand the whole situation. But I'm also angry and hurt... they let me go. They made me feel abandoned... I'm always the one who gets left behind."
He did not notice the first drop but saw it fall to his lap. Dave wiped his face, feeling embarrassed to be crying in front of the therapist but he could not stop his tears.
"And the frustrating thing is I feel guilty about being angry with them because I understand where they're coming from. I feel like I'm a bad person because despite knowing how they feel, I'm still furious with them. But I also ask myself, am I not entitled to feel this way? I feel like if I let go what they did, I'll be betraying myself. I SHOULD be angry, right? Because they... gave up on me.
"But why do I feel like... I didn't fight hard enough? That I'm also abandoning them?"
"Dave, I can see that you are a very bright young man," said Dr. Pietro. "But sometimes when it comes to relationships, logic do not apply. Being angry is not a crime or makes you a bad person. It just means you are hurt because you love your friends. And loving them, wanting to give them another chance is never a bad thing or a betrayal to yourself. It is grace. Give your friends a piece of your mind. Tell them how you feel. Do what you think is the right thing to do."
"But what if they don't listen or don't believe me?"
"Never blame yourself for not being able to change how other people see you. Maybe they need more time or maybe that's just the way they are. Just because others see you a certain way does not make it true. Letting go of people is hard and painful but sometimes, necessary to remain compassionate to ourselves. Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. You cannot let yourself hurt forever for others or you'll risk becoming numb. And just because you are getting used to the pain does not mean you are healing."
"Yo Dave, we went to your house on Saturday afternoon but your mom said you were out," said Paul. "We thought maybe we could watch a movie and hang."
"I saw a therapist that day," said Dave, before taking a bite of his lunch.
"Therapist?" asked Belinda, confused.
"A shrink."
"Oh. How'd it go?"
Despite his initial trepidation, Dave learned a lot after his first therapy session. The perspectives that Dr. Pietro raised made Dave realize a lot of things, most of which he already knew but too preoccupied sorting things out all at once that his mind was overwhelmed. It was a conversation he never experienced before... he thought the doctor will tell him what to do but instead, everything was still his choice and Dr. Pietro just had to point out the different directions he can take.
"It was great. I learned a lot."
Just then, Dave saw Jaypee sitting in another table with a group of athletes instead with the rest of the gang. It was strange because Jaypee and Jemma were usually inseparable. Looking around, he found Jemma with the rest of the girls but it was obvious something was wrong. She looked so depressed Dave could almost see a dark-smoky aura surrounding Jemma.
"What's up with Jaypee and Jemma?" asked Dave quietly. "Why're they sitting apart?"
Belinda frowned a little.
"Mr. Garcia, I didn't know you were into gossip?" she said, pointing her fork at him.
"I'm not. I was just... you know..." started Dave.
"Concerned?" offered Paul, with a grin.
"Yeah." Dave smiled.
"I'm not really sure," said Belinda. "Jemma won't tell me what happened but she did hint that they have a big problem. Something serious."
"You don't think they're breaking up?" asked Paul.
"I honestly don't know," she said. "I hope not."
Dave kept his first thought to himself as he watched the once 'it' couple of their group. Jaypee and Jemma had been together for years and he knew they genuinely love each other, unlike many among their peers who change partners whenever there was a new flavor of the month. To see such sadness in Jemma's face made Dave decide that it was time for him to act and give reconciliation a chance.
He was in the zone as he felt the pen glide on the rough texture of the paper. Full sentences formed inside his head even before conscious thought... it was as if he was not a writer but a transcriber, to serve as a conduit so that intangible ideas and abstract thought can take form in the physical world. Dave rarely wrote this way anymore but somehow, today of all days, his mind had never been clearer. So, he set the words free by letting them take their own shape.
Around him were his fellow Heralds, all focused at the tasked at hand. It was the day for the journalism club's adviser to decide who will be participating in the individual contests for the City High Schools Press Conference. At the moment, they were in a mini-competition where the Heralds must write an article, draw a cartoon, or shoot a photo essay depending on what section they want to represent (News, Editorial, Feature, Sports, Copyreading, Photojournalism, and Editorial Cartooning). The Herald adviser together with some other teachers will then judge their works and choose the school's representatives.
Dave submitted his article together with the other writers of Herald. Their adviser took the stack of papers and went to see the other teachers who volunteered to judge who will be the school's representatives this year for the Press Conference. Dave was satisfied with his work but he started to feel nervous. He participated in the city and regional press conferences last year and it would be great to do so again. It will take at least thirty minutes for the judges to decide and most of the Herald staff passed the time by idly playing with their phones or chatting with each other.
In a few months, he will be graduating and as Dave watched his club-mates laugh and joke with each other, he felt disconnected. Some of them were underclassmen and have a few more years to enjoy high school. But for him and the rest of the seniors, on the other hand, this was their last year. A few chairs from him, Dave noticed Daniel looking at a book, flipping the pages one after the other absentmindedly.
"Psst, I didn't know you're a super fast reader?" asked Dave quietly.
Daniel looked up and smiled.
"Just nervous, I guess," he said. "I really want to go to the Press Con. To at least, have a great story to tell when I'm wrinkly and gray."
"I know what you mean. I'm nervous too."
"You? Why? I read your articles... you're a freakin' genius."
"Tsk. I'm an overachiever, not a genius," said Dave, dismissing the compliment. "It's different. I had a day or two to write those articles for the paper, not an hour during a contest. But not getting picked has an upside too."
"What?" asked Daniel.
"The week after the Press Con is a quarterly exam week. If I don't get to go, at least I'll have more time to review for tests."
Daniel looked at Dave then shook his head slightly.
"Only you can see reviewing for exams as a silver-lining."
Just then, the Herald adviser entered the HQ and almost immediately, the room was silent.
"Que sera sera," whispered Daniel, glancing sideways to Dave.
"Que sera sera," Dave whispered back.
The names of chosen representatives were announced and everyone clapped. The Herald adviser told them the details of the Press Conference before leaving the room. As the staffers began to leave and congratulate those who were picked, Dave looked at Daniel and saw his friend's head looking down in the ground.
"Are you okay?" said Dave.
"No... I don't know. What if I lose?" said Daniel, a hint of panic in his voice.
"What happened to 'que sera sera'?"
"I was pretending... to sound cool!"
Dave laughed and Daniel started to smile as well, though nervously at first then followed by an expression of genuine happiness.
"I'm going to the Press Con..." said Daniel as though testing the sentence.
"You're going to the Press Con," said Dave more confidently.
"We are."
They walked out of the HQ and Dave locked the door. As they went down the stairs, Dave could not help but continue smiling. He felt happy for being chosen again but he was also proud of Daniel. Then, Dave's mind wandered as he imagined the both of them spending the whole Conference together... and he started to blush slightly when he noticed Daniel smiling at him.
'Was he thinking about me too?' Dave thought to himself. 'Don't be an idiot, of course not. He's just a... smiley-guy.'
"What?" asked Dave.
"It's just great... to see you smiling like that again," said Daniel.
"Well, you have funny-looking face."
"Oh and he jokes now too."
"Who said I'm joking?" said Dave, as seriously as possible.
Daniel's smile drop as he looked down to the ground, his eyebrows knitted slightly. Dave was about to apologize when Daniel's face rose slowly with a puppy-look so adorable and sexy it took his breath away. Daniel's eyes seemed to glow with golden streaks, reflecting the rays of the sunset.
"Do you really think I look weird?" asked Daniel insecurely.
"No! I... was just... it was a joke," said Dave, swallowing hard. He felt bad but used all of his willpower to resist reaching out and touching Daniel's face to comfort him.
Then, a wide grin appeared on Daniel's face, his eyes twinkling.
"Gotcha!"
Dave blinked several times before realizing what just happened.
"Oww!" said Daniel while rubbing his shoulder though Dave did not do any real damage.
"What a tease," said Dave under his breath as he continued descending the stairs.
"Did you say something?"
"I said, 'how's your piece?' Your article? Did you have trouble writing it?" said Dave quickly.
"I think I did okay... though I'm not really a good critique of my own work," said Daniel after catching up with his friend's stride. "For a second, I thought you said 'want a kiss.'"
"What?!" said Dave loudly. But before he could say more, Daniel grabbed him and gave him a tight hug.
"Thank you, Dave," whispered Daniel as he tightened the embrace. "For letting me join the Herald."
Dave stood paralyzed as he felt Daniel's lips touched his cheek. He heart pounded so loudly that he was sure his friend could hear it as well. The hug and the kiss lasted for only a few seconds and when they parted, Dave saw Daniel's eyes were glazed a bit.
"You're welcome," said Dave softly.
He looked around hoping no one saw the display of affection. The stairs was empty now that it was the end of the day and it seemed students do not want to hang around the school for more than necessary nowadays.
As they exited the school gates and went their separate directions, Dave touched his cheek, the sensation of Daniel's kiss still fresh on his skin.
'He is such an impulsive idiot,' Dave thought with a smile. 'And I'm a bigger idiot for continue hoping.'
Sipping his coffee as he waited to pass time until his session, Dave observed at the activity around him. The coffee shop beside the hospital was packed with a variety of people. There were college students discussing some type of project, nurses and doctors out on breaking chatting about overtime, and office workers looking haggard, in desperate need for their caffeine fix.
Dave enjoyed watching people, their interactions, their clothes, how they present themselves to each other. But the scene in front of him also made him think about his future. The different careers in front of him triggered some type of uncertainty as he realized he did not know what he wanted to do with his life.
"Is it okay to join you?"
Dave blinked. He was so engrossed with his thoughts he did not realize someone was talking to him.
"Huh?" asked Dave looking at the handsome young man.
"I asked if I can sit with you? All the other table's occupied."
"Okay."
Dave started to blush as the guy sat on the chair in front of him. The young man was more handsome than Dave first realized. The thing that captivated Dave the most was his eyes: light brown that show hints of green... beautiful and kind.
"I remember you from the doctor's office. I'm Xander, by the way."
"Dave."
They shook hands and sipped their drinks for a moment, both watching the crowd. Xander turned to Dave and smiled.
"How's it going with Dr. Pietro?"
"It's okay. It's my first time to get therapy so..." said Dave, defensively as though trying to make sure the guy did not see him like some crazy person.
"She's my second therapist myself. What you in for?" said Xander as he sipped his coffee.
The question took Dave aback as he did not know exactly how to discuss his mental health to a complete stranger. But there was something about Xander and maybe it was their common ground that was making Dave want to share his thoughts about therapy... something that his other friends or his family will not truly understand. Plus, Xander's straight-forwardness was refreshing to Dave as he thought this guy will not walk around eggshells with him. It was somehow reassuring and almost disconcerting to feel so comfortable to someone he just met.
"Sorry. I know that's nosy of me but it's okay if you don't want to talk about it."
"No, it's okay," said Dave. "I had some issues about dealing... It's not just one thing so, I'm not really sure how to answer your question."
"I get it. The first time I got on that couch, I did not realize how much I needed it. But somehow it helped," said Xander. "You don't have to feel ashamed though. If you ask me, I think more people should get their head looked at nowadays. Did you just finished a session? Mine's in a few hours."
"No. I finished my errands earlier than expected. My session's still in half an hour-" Dave hesitated and he saw Xander smile.
"It's okay. I started it so you can ask," he said.
"You have issues too?" asked Dave.
"Yeah, well, more like circumstances," said Xander. "Two year ago, I got sick which made me clinically depressed. I got it into my head that maybe it was punishment from God or whatever for being gay. Then, my first therapist got killed in a car accident, which was I riot because I thought it was heaven's way of telling me I cannot be helped."
Dave's face looked so shock that Xander laughed softly.
"It's okay. Dr. Pietro deflated my ego a bit or whatever," he continued. "Her first advice to me was I shouldn't think that the world's problems revolves around me so I should pull my head out my ass."
"She actually said that?"
"She said it more diplomatically but that's the idea I got," said Xander. "And she was right and it was the start of me focusing on the problems I caused and can solve instead of worrying if I was Typhoid Mary."
Smiling hesitantly, Dave could not help but admire the guy candor was something that he wanted to have himself. But there was also something else... Xander's confidence when he said the g-word to describe himself took Dave's breath away.
"You're gay," whispered Dave, like the word was a bomb.
Xander grinned.
"That's not a problem right?"
"No, of course not. I just... you're so..."
"Not I gay guy should look like?" offered Xander.
"Well, that but... what I meant to say is... you're so confident about it," said Dave.
Xander stared at Dave for a few seconds as though with a knowing smile.
"The truth sets me free and it also informs girls that I can't give them what they want," said Xander then added, "Well, I could probably give it to them but only if I'm really, really drunk."
They started laughing so hard that some people around the cafe turned to their direction. Dave felt awesome... he never laughed so hard ever since the darkness nearly consumed him that night.
"So, what course are you taking?" asked Xander when they got a hold of themselves.
"Course?" said Dave, confused.
"You're in college, right?"
"No... I'm a high school senior."
"Oh, that's cool. I thought you were older."
There was no disappointment in Xander's voice but Dave sudden felt insecure.
"But I'm graduating in a few months..." said Dave hastily, then blushed slightly because he was not sure why he said it.
"So, what are you planning to take?"
"Not really sure yet. Maybe journalism or creative writing... I don't know."
"I'm a ComSci major. My last year. Hope I could finish it though."
Though Xander said it nonchalantly, Dave heard a hint of uncertainty in his voice.
A beeping sound from Dave's pocket got their attention and upon checking, it was his phone alarm stating that his session will begin in five minutes.
"I have to go," said Dave, with a bit of disappointment.
"Can I have your number?" asked Xander as he offered his phone. "So, we can have coffee again sometime."
Dave smiled and nodded. They exchanged numbers and walked out of the cafe towards the hospital.
"I thought your session in a few more hours?" asked Dave wondering why Xander got into the elevator with him.
"Yeah but I have a check up before I see Dr. Pietro."
"Oh, okay," said Dave as the elevator doors opened. "I'll see you around, then."
"For sure," said Xander giving him that gorgeous grin and a casual salute.
Dave smiled back as the doors slid close. As he walk to Dr. Pietro's office, Dave just realized something he completely missed about his encounter with Xander.
'I think I just experienced my first pick up,' Dave thought as his smile turned into a wide grin.
(To be continued...)
FROM THE AUTHOR:
I hope you enjoyed this more optimistic chapter.
I would like to apologize in advance... I may take a time off posting new chapters for the first few weeks of January 2016. I know some of you will most likely be disappointed with me but I regret to say that my borrowed time is up. Getting a "day job" is a necessity or else, I'd have to hang my keyboard for good. I'm really sorry but I will make certain this break will not last more than a few weeks (unlike my "chapter-less year").
You can send in your comments or criticisms (or threats, for those who I will most likely alienate with another hiatus) at theadlaotribe@gmail.com. Don't worry, I can take it like man.
For those who continue to send their awesome emails, thank you so much. You gents and ladies help keep me sane this past month and please know you have my deepest gratitude.
If any of you want to help me buy instant coffee, please check out my online shop: https://theadlaotribe.wordpress.com/shop
I created, conceptualized, and designed all the products there. I still need to lift some weights to be brawny enough to offer cam-on-cam sessions, so that "product" may take awhile to be available (this is me lamely joking hahaha).
For those who want to be notified of new chapter posting, please send me an email (found below) or use the "follow button" found at the bottom of my website: https://theadlaotribe.wordpress.com
Hope you had a better holiday and here's to a greater new year.
Best, Fritz 11100/00001 0001/00001 00001 00001/11000 11000 11000 11000/ 11100/10000 10000 10000/10000 10000 10000/ 11000 11000 11000 11000/00001 00001/00111/00000 00000 00000/00000 00000 00000/ 11000/00111/11000 11000 11000 11000/11000 11000 11000 11000