Well, here I am! I made it and I come bringing Chapter 11! Wow! I never thought this story would make it past Chapter 5. Thank you to everyone whose e- mailed or visited the site or has done both. I really appreciate it :). You've helped make this story what it is. And I want to say a big "I'm sorry" to everyone who hasn't received a reply yet. I'm very, very sorry if I haven't replied to you. I'll try to get back to everyone as soon as I can.
For those of you who've seen the site : You all know that I have a 'jibberish' section at the corner of the site. This time, it's not jibberish. It's something important that I'd like everyone to read. It would mean a lot to me if you could. Thanks.
If you haven't seen the site yet, well here you go: http://envy.nu/poisonthorns (I'm working on version 2 but it's still iffy)
If you'd like to e-mail me : dreamsecret@poetic.com I'd really appreciate it.
Chapter 11 "I miss you" By: Secret Dreamer dreamsecret@poetic.com
To see you when I wake up
As soon as we walked in the door, Sylvia turned to me. "You should call your parents."
I stared at the floor and nodded. "I know."
She handed me the phone and left the room, followed by James who was bravely holding in his tears. Jonathan picked him up and held him while the little boy cried. Adam followed them out of the room.
"Why haven't you ever talked to me about your parents?" Dawn inquired, sitting down at the kitchen table.
"Because they're my adopted parents. I do love them a lot but the bond just isn't there sometimes," I sighed. "They haven't seem James or Donny in about a year, from what I know. This is going to kill them."
"Do they know about.."
"You? Yes. They knew about Gretchen too. Don't worry. You won't have to hide any PDA," I chuckled, dialing my parents phone number in Colorado.
"Hello?" my mother's sweet sounding voice came over the phone.
"Hi Mama. It's me."
"Iya! Darling! How are you?" she cooed.
I wanted to tell her I was fine. That everything was wonderful and I had called to see how she was doing. I gripped Dawn's hand. "Mama. I have some news."
"What is it, dear? Is Dawn alright? Is something wrong with the baby?"
I chuckled. "No, everything is fine with the baby and Dawn."
"What is it then, darling?"
I swallowed hard and stared out the window. "Donny died this morning, Mama." I heard the phone clatter to the floor and mom yelling for my dad. "Mama? Are you there?"
"Iya? Pumpkin?"
"Hi, Papa."
"Is it true?"
"Yeah, Papa. It was untreatable this time."
"Is James alright?"
"Yeah. He's pretty shaken up right now. He was so brave. I'm taking him to California with us after the funeral."
"Are you sure that's wise?"
Oh, Papa. Always doing what's best. "Yeah. Dawn and I are moving to California. There are good schools in the area and we'll have the finances to take good care of him."
"But what about the baby?"
"We have plenty of time. Dawn is only about two months along," I reminded him.
I heard him nod over the phone. "Alright. But if you need any help at all. Just call."
"We will."
"Here's your mother."
"Sweetie?"
"Hi Mama."
"Do you need us to come down there? We can get on a plane this afternoon and be there by 9."
At that moment, it seemed like the best idea in the world. "Would you?"
"Of course, sweetheart! Where are you?"
"Orlando."
"Okay. We'll call you back with details."
"Alright. I'm at Sylvia's."
"Right. Bye dear."
"Bye Mama." As I put down the phone, I noticed that I was shaking and tears were streaming down my face.
"Oh, Muffin," Dawn stood up and wrapped me arms around my shoulders. I leaned against her and just cried.
"I miss him."
"I know. I know."
My tears quickly subsided but Dawn and I continued to rock back and forth in the kitchen.
"Mommy?"
I looked up and saw James standing in the doorway. Tears streaming down his tiny face.
I let go of Dawn and squatted down to the floor. "C'mere sweetheart."
He started to cry harder and ran into my arms. I picked him up and rocked him. His sobs were quiet but hard as he shook in my embrace.
"It's okay, James. Let it all out."
Dawn put an arm around both of us. Her hand running up and down James' back, trying to soothe him.
He snuffled. "Mommy?"
"Yeah?" I whispered, choked at the sight of him crying.
"You're staying forever, right? You promised you'd stay forever."
"I'm going to. Dawn is too. Have you ever been to California?"
He shook his head against my shoulder.
"That's where Dawn and I live."
"Will I be living with you, too?"
"Yes you will. We're going to have a house on the beach."
He peered up at me as a small smile crept onto his face. "I like the beach."
"I know you do. And you're going to have a baby sister."
His face exploded with joy. "I am? Really? Where is she now?"
"She inside Dawn's tummy. She won't be here for a few more months."
He pouted. "But that'll take forever!"
Dawn smiled and sat down in one of the kitchen chairs. "You can talk to her, though."
His eyes lit up. "Really? How?"
I set him down on the floor in front of Dawn. "You can talk to her through Dawn's tummy."
He seemed skeptical but leaned forward anyway. "Hello, baby. I'm you're big brother, James. I can't wait for you to get here. We're going to have so much fun on the beach! I'll teach you how to spell your name and the alphabet and I'll make sure that no bully ever messes with you."
I grinned and kissed the top of his head. "That was great, James."
"What's her name gonna be?" he asked.
"Tali Summer Hazel Moon-Reed."
"I like it. Hazel? After my Hazel?"
I smiled. "Yeah, after you're Hazel."
He smiled proudly but his face sobered quickly. "Is daddy up in heaven with Hazel?"
I nodded and pulled him into my lap. "Yes. Daddy is up in heaven with Hazel."
He turned around and looked up at me with tired, sad eyes. "I miss daddy."
"I miss him, too," I told him. Tears welled up in my eyes as I brushed a bit of hair off of his face.
"You aren't going to die, are you, Mommy?"
I hugged him closely to me. "No. I'm not going to die. Neither is Dawn."
His tiny arms circled my neck. "Good."
You do something to me that I can't explain.
Dawn, James, and I were standing in the airport waiting for my parents' plane to arrive. It was nearly 9 o'clock and James was starting to doze off.
Finally, the loading gate opened and passengers began pouring out.
"Mama! Papa!" I yelled as I saw them and waved wildly with James' help. I could tell that my mother had cried most of the way here.
They scurried over and hugs were exchanged all around.
"Grammy, Grampy!" James squealed with delight.
Papa plucked him from my arms and spun him around, much to his glee.
"Hi, darling."
I turned around and smiled. "Hi, Mama." I hugged her tightly, burring my head in her shoulder.
She stroked my hair lightly. "How are you holding up?"
I shrugged. "Okay, I guess. Dawn's been helping me a lot."
Mom turned from me to Dawn who was awkwardly standing in the middle. Mom smiled and hugged her tightly. "Thank you for helping my baby. Welcome to the family."
I watched Dawn blush and hug her back. "Thank you."
"Hi Squirt, don't forget me."
I grinned. "Hi Papa."
He pulled me into one of his bear hugs. I felt safe there. I always felt safe when I was with him. I just snuggled against him and sighed. He rocked me back and forth, humming in my ear like he used to. He gave Dawn the same treatment and James found his way into my arms again. He was fast asleep before we left the airport.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
My parents went straight to bed in the guestroom when we arrived. I stood in the doorway of Donny's room. The smell of his cologne was everywhere. A picture of him and James sat on the dresser.
Dawn wrapped her arms around me. "You need to sleep."
I nodded against her. "I just don't feel like it right now."
She let go of me and walked over to the stereo. She found a CD and popped it into the tray. The sweet sounds of Hanson's "Love Song" came through the speakers.
Dawn wrapped her arms around me and began to sway to the music.
I put my head on her shoulder and sighed, letting her lead. It didn't make me cry. But my heart felt light at that moment. I had what I wanted. I had Dawn. "I love you," I whispered.
"I love you."
I ran my fingers through her short hair as my hand rested on her cheek. I never understood what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as her. Maybe it was something I hadn't done yet. I wasn't sure but I knew I would always take advantage of all the time we had together.
Her lips fell onto mine in a soft kiss. I'd missed those lips. Her fingers slid up my stomach.
I pulled away. "I-I'm sorry. I can't."
She nodded. "I know. I don't know why I did it."
I kissed her forehead. "Let's just go to bed." I pulled off my clothes and slid underneath the blankets of Donny's bed. The pillow still smelled like him.
Dawn crawled in and placed her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her head. "Good night, love."
"Good night, Muffin."
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
The funeral was the next day. I don't remember much of it, it just seemed like a blur to me.
Sylvia and Mama cried. Frank and Papa never left their side. James stayed fastened around my neck and Dawn stood perfectly still, a bewildered look on her face. Jonathan kept a reassuring hand on my back while his other was firmly clasped in Adam's.
I didn't really recognize anyone else there but they all knew James and Sylvia and had heard about me, one way or another.
I couldn't watch when they buried him. As he was being lowered, I turned away.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, sweetie?"
"I wanna go home."
"I do, too."
I cringed as each shovel full of dirt was placed on top of him.
"Mommy, please, can we go home?"
I nodded and turned to Dawn. "James and I are going to go back to the house. Do you want to come?"
Dawn nodded dumbly.
I put James in her arms. "I'm going to tell Sylvia and Frank. You go ahead to the car."
They began the short trek back to the church. I wove my way through the crowd until I came to Sylvia and Frank. "Hey. James, Dawn, and I are going to head back to the house."
Sylvia nodded and embraced me. "We'll be back shortly, too. This is getting much to hard."
I sighed my agreement and caught up with Dawn and James who were just getting into the car. I climbed into the driver's side and drove back to the house. James latched his hand to mine as we stepped into the calm, quiet building.
"I'm gonna go check my messages," Dawn whispered and sauntered up the stairs.
"I'm hungry," James said softly.
"Let's go find something for you to eat, then," I tried to smile as warmly as I could. I wanted to get that wounded and bruised look out of his eyes.
He followed behind me like an obedient puppy and sat down at the dining room table.
"Anything particular you'd like?"
He shook his head and drew imaginary patterns on the table top.
"You're not really hungry, are you?"
He shook his head again as a few tears landed on the smooth surface.
I picked him up and walked up the stairs. I'd seen a rocking chair earlier in Sylvia and Frank's room. Thankfully, it wasn't locked and I went into the quiet quarters. I sat down in the chair and set James against me.
He sniffled and snuffled as I slowly rocked him back and forth. His head fell against my shoulder and his thumb found his mouth.
I knew he was too old to suck the appendage but figured this time it could slid. The child needed all the comfort possible.
Soon his breath was slow and even. He had fallen asleep. I slowly got up, with him still in my arms, and got him back to his bed. He curled into a ball once he was on the mattress. I tucked the quilt around him and kissed his forehead.
"Mommy?" he whispered. "Stay. Please?"
"Anything angel." I sat down next to his bed and gently stroked his hair from his face.
"Iya?"
I looked up and smiled at Dawn.
She sat down next to me and draped her arms around my waist, her head resting in my lap. "I just got off the phone with Caroline. Shooting starts day after tomorrow."
"I thought we had a month."
Dawn shook her head. "I have to do all the scenes that I won't be able to do later on."
"Huh?"
"Tali. When she gets bigger, I can't do some of the scenes."
"Oohh, right. So when do we need to leave?"
She sighed. "Probably tonight or tomorrow morning. Remember, we still need to get settled in a house."
I nodded. "So I guess we'll be in a hotel for awhile?"
She shook her head. "I have some friends from college who moved to California and are in the area. They said they'd be thrilled to let us stay with them."
"Do they know about James?"
"Of course."
"Okay. Let's leave tomorrow morning. I don't want to wake up James, he's been through so much."
Dawn nodded. "I'll call them and have them pick us up at the airport." She kissed my cheek and left the room.
I sighed and watched James sleep. His nose scrunched up and his eyelashes fluttered. His thumb fell from his mouth onto the pillow.
"Everything is going to be alright," I whispered. "I promise."
But I need you to know that I care
James thumped down the stairs, dragging his suitcase. "Mommy. I'm ready."
I picked him up and Jonathan took his suitcase. "Alright. Go talk to your Grandma and Grandpa."
He nodded, hopped down, and ran into the kitchen.
I bit my lip and turned to Dawn. "I have to do something. I'll be right back, okay?"
She looked at me questionably, but nodded.
I grabbed my sweatshirt and ran out the door. I followed the same route I had the night before and was soon on the beach, sanding squishing beneath my shoes. I found the spot I'd been in and stood there. Waves crashed against the shore as wind whipped through my hair.
"Hi, how is everyone."
I sighed. "Okay I guess. James is still really broken up. Sylvia and Frank are doing okay. I think they were expecting it and had their peace."
"They did. How are you doing?"
I shrugged. "As good as can be expected I guess. I miss you a lot, you know. I wasn't expecting this at all."
"No one was. Not even me."
"Have you talked to Mom and Dad?"
"I saw them when I arrived."
I nodded. "Good."
"Everything is going to be okay."
"I wish I could believe you."
"You don't have to."
"I have to go. Dawn, James, and I are leaving for California in a few minutes. I just needed to say that I miss you and I love you and I care about you. I know you can't do this very often but at least see James. Even if it's just in his dreams. He still needs his Daddy."
"I don't know if I can. I already broke the rules coming here so soon."
I chuckled. "Already getting into trouble."
"And it's your fault. But James has two mothers now. He's gonna be okay."
"But he needs his father!"
"I'll always be his father but I can't help him if I'm not alive."
I kicked a bit of sand. "I know."
"Iya, he has Jonathan and Adam and there will be even more males that come into his life and make an impact. More of an impact than I ever could. He needs you and Dawn and everyone right now."
"I know."
"I have to go."
"I love you."
"I love you too. I never did stop loving you, ever. It killed me to see you with Gretchen."
"Even Dawn?"
"No. Dawn is special."
"I know."
"She's going to make you a beautiful bride."
"She's already beautiful."
"Good-bye Iya."
"Good-bye Donny."
You do something to me that I can't explain. So would I be out of line if I said, I miss you.
--
Well, we're leaving Florida, now. Soon, our family will be in California, embarking on a new life and new challenges. I hope you'll follow them with a loving heart.
Don't forget to smile, Secret Dreamer