Disclaimer : This is a fiction story and is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of Sean Faris.
Ryan woke up the next day in a very bad mood. He'd spent most of the previous night dreaming about Sean, but the images which passed through his mind were fragmented and eerie. He'd have brief glimpses of Sean laughing, and even in his dreams he felt his heart surge at the sight of that smile. Shortly afterwards he'd imagine Sean sliding down the wall and weeping in anguish, and pain would slice through his chest like a cold knife. It came as no surprise that when he woke up he felt as tired as when he'd fallen asleep, and his eyes could ignite a fire for all the rage that was in them. It just wasn't fair. Sean was the one with the problems, not him. He had his own problems under control, yet here he was trapped in sleepless nights and worried to the point of being dysfunctional.
"Asshole," he said, while climbing out of his bed, but he wasn't sure if the comment was for himself or Sean.
He slowly made his way to the windows of his apartment, and wiped his face to erase the last traces of half-sleep which lay on his mind. He surveyed the city, and watched the sun rising slowly over the horizon. The wind was crisp, and every few seconds, a small gust of wind would blow through the window and lick his shirtless body. He thought about Sean. He always thought about Sean. All reminisces of his job offer were being heavily suppressed by the conflicted guy whom Ryan thought he loved. Whenever he thought about Sean, he thought about holding him close and breathing hard against him. Just to feel their chests touch would be enough for him, to feel Sean's cheek rub against his and feel Sean's warm breath against his ear. He wanted it so badly, but at the same time, he was very angry with Sean. How could the guy be in two minds about this at his age? Hadn't he sorted his feelings out when he was a teenager? Ryan had never been so open with another guy. He'd never remotely told a guy he thought about him, and on his first serious attempt, it had rebounded heavily in his face. He wasn't angry with the rejection because he knew it wasn't that at all. He knew that Sean wanted him. It was like watching someone stare at a diamond all day long and when confronted, watch them deny they even like the thing! He didn't have time for that sort of attitude, but every time he thought about expanding on that idea - the idea to abandon this whole business and leave Sean out of his life - he found something in his mind applying furious brakes to his thoughts. He didn't need to wonder why. He was being a bastard. Sean was in pain, and all Ryan was doing was thinking of his own feelings and his own lust for a relationship.
"First help him if you care for him," he said to himself, and his eyes widened slightly when he realised what he'd said. It was as if some divine being had spoken through his mouth. It wasn't something he would easily have said, but perhaps his subconscious was trying to bitch slap him and make him screw on his head straight.
He didn't know how to approach the situation, though. Sean was at a vulnerable time in his life, possibly the most vulnerable he'd ever been. He was acting erratically. Irrationally. He'd tried the quiet seductive approach only to see Sean stare at him hungrily but without results. He'd then tried the aggressive approach, but it had descended on Sean like an avalanche and he'd rebounded like a classical hero in the throes of rage. He knew that Sean was not to be trifled with. Sean was a powerful guy, and it seemed that instinct dominated his extremely potent personality. Yet his instinct had done what it had thought was impossible - it had found an area of conflict with his values, with what he had been taught, and Sean wasn't ready for it, and wasn't experienced in dealing with it. In other words, anything could happen. He knew that Sean probably spent most nights thinking about him, thinking about ways to fuck him hard and jerking off at the thought of it, but when it came to the crunch, Sean was struggling to break down that final barrier. He shook his head as he walked to the shower and started to strip. He could only imagine the torment the guy was feeling.
He climbed into the shower and started to wash himself. For almost an hour he stood right under the water and enjoyed the refreshing feel as the water rushed over his body. It was a good distraction to pull him away from his own internal strife. What to do... what to do. Instinct told him not to call Sean and that Sean would eventually come back when he was ready, but emotionally he felt that his was cruel, almost as if he expected the guy to find his own way in the dark. Yet perhaps that was what the guy needed. Didn't he need to figure out for himself that he was in fact, gay?
"You need to figure this one out yourself, buddy," he said softly and his hand turned off the water. The cold air on his skin made him aware of his words and they felt right. He would support Sean as much as he could, even though he already sensed a great deal of pain heading his way during that excruciating process. What he would not do is seek out Sean and remove the guy's responsibility of working out his own feelings and how he would act upon them.
Later that day he was watching TV, all the while staring at the programs indifferently. His mind wandered to the obvious target, when suddenly his cell phone rang and he jumped with surprise. Approaching his phone hesitantly, he was sure it would be Sean - but after half a day he didn't have the slightest idea what to say to the guy.
"You idiot! You didn't prepare for this!" he shouted to himself furiously.
There was no option but to answer the phone. Not answering was out of the question. "Hello?" he said, almost warily.
"Hi Ryan," said a familiar voice, but not Sean's. His heart sank but at the same time he felt relief that he hadn't been caught unaware. "This is Dave from..."
"Hey Dave," Ryan interrupted. "Sure I remember you. I've been waiting for you guys to call all week. Have you reached a decision?"
At that moment his heart started to bound against his ribs. He realised that this was a pivotal moment. It could set him back a few years or accelerate him to success.
"I'm glad to say we have," Dave said cheerily.
He thought his heart would stop. He couldn't speak. Dave seemed to acknowledge the silence and he gave a small chuckle. "You were by far the best presenter we had. We'd like to offer you the contract for a minimum of five years."
Ryan gave a cough. Five years? That far exceeded his expectations of an eighteen month trial period! "That's great!" he said enthusiastically.
Triumphantly he clenched his fist and performed a quick victory dance in his lounge, all the while trying to maintain a conversation with Dave. After a few brief details he managed to get rid of Dave and he leaped for the sky. "Yes!" he shouted.
Landing on his feet, he decided to head down to Becky to share the news with her. He was smiling widely, but by the time he'd reached the door, he felt his smile slip. It would have been so great to share this with someone. He thought of Sean, and at the same moment his eyes passed over the picture of his parents, their smiling faces having the opposite effect on him. As he closed his apartment door, his face was already solemn and he felt an illogical tide of grief wash over him. What was the point of achieving anything if you couldn't share it with someone? Grief and white- hot anger flared in stages as he thought of Sean. Fuck him for ruining this moment! Fuck his indecision! He felt like punching him, but he also knew that his anger at Sean would vanish the instant Sean showed his face. It was that infuriating effect called love. How he hated it. With an angry mutter he strode down the steps, and passed a kind old lady. His angry grimace made her stand back and gasp, but he didn't care. He'd been alone for so long, and suddenly this guy comes to screw everything up in the very same week as he was presented with the career breakthrough of his life.
He stepped into Becky's and tried to erase his cold demeanour, but it wasn't easy.
"Hey Ryan," she said dreamily and focussed hungrily on him for a moment.
"Hey Becky. Just the usual please," he said with exhaustion.
"Okay," she said, as if she didn't notice his apathy. "That guy you had coffee with the other day was in here earlier asking if you had been around. I told him you hadn't."
Ryan snorted rudely. Sean knew where he lived. What was the deal with him trying to find out whether he'd been here for breakfast? If he'd taken a few more steps he could have rung his doorbell and come up. "Thanks Becky. I'll just go sit there today," he said, pointing to the window. Standing, he took his breakfast and moved over to the street-side view with a newspaper he'd collected on the way in. He felt down because he'd wanted to hug Sean and share the great moment with him, but it had all gone downhill.
He looked to his left and saw that Becky was looming over him, her face serious. He'd never seen her serious with him before. She sat without asking and reached out to hold his hand. He thought about pulling back but he didn't know her like this, and didn't want to risk her wrath.
"What's wrong, Ryan?" she said with concern, and he could see she was anguished for him.
He looked down and couldn't bare to meet her gaze. "It's nothing, Becky. I got that job I was telling you about but I just don't, you know, have anyone special to share it with." He half-regretted saying this, and he immediately prayed that she wouldn't see this as a weak attempt to ask her out. Women were weird that way.
"Ryan, look at me," she said, and her hand clenched his when he didn't obey the first time. He looked into her eyes which were piercing and wise, such a change from the apparently nonchalant and carefree waitress who worked in this place.
"Yeah?" he said like a whiney child.
"Ryan, I know you're gay," she said straight out and he felt shock crash in on him like a hammer. He tried to open his mouth to say something but she held her hand up and stopped him in his tracks. "Don't treat me like an idiot," she said.
His gaze dropped and he settled for listening. He'd never felt so humiliated in his life. He felt like a child being shouted at by his mother, and like the toddler, he felt devoid of strength, devoid of the will to stand up and fight back.
"I knew a few days after meeting you. You were a difficult one but when I realised you didn't like me at all, I kind of figured it out," she said with a smile. It was a preposterously vain statement, but he looked at her sheepishly and appreciated for the first time that she was extremely good looking. No straight guy would pass that up.
"But the flirting..." he said with a soft voice, and his voice broke like a teenager.
"Oh the flirting was just for fun," she said with a wry grin and a dismissive wave of her hand. "I knew nothing would come of it, especially with a gay guy. And you're a fine work of art, and I didn't mind toying with the menu, especially when it walked so freely into my lair." She laughed at the expression on his face, and he found himself laughing against his own will.
An instant later she'd settled down and her face was serious and thoughtful again. "I know you like Sean, and trust me, that boy likes you. He wants to have his way with you, bad." She looked into the distance, but a smug look covered her face. Ryan felt affronted, but he also felt relieved that someone could say what he was thinking.
"Unfortunately both of you are assholes," she said quickly, and ignored his frown. "You're playing hard to get and he's some sort of closet case on the verge of cracking."
"I am NOT playing hard to get," he started off loudly before moderating his voice. The patrons returned to their coffee. "I literally threw myself at him yesterday, Becky, and he hit me back. He actually hit me!"
"Oh I'm sure you want him as much as he wants you," she said, taking a sip of his coffee. The woman had no shame. "But deep inside yourself you think you're better than him because you're out and he isn't. You look down on him like some sort of mental case who can't get his shit together. You're selfish, and he could see it in your eyes. He could see your amusement at his torment."
"I was never amused," he said gravely, and he felt hurt at her words. "I really want him. I love him, really love him! But he's fucking playing games. He wants to hang out with me, then he runs away, and fucking hell - you even say that he's back today after punching me yesterday and crying. I can't deal with this!" His tone was pleading, but her features didn't soften.
"You can and you will," she said with iron resolve. He'd never seen this side of her. It was frightening. "If you love him at all, you will remain patient with him. You will help him with the transition you so conveniently have forgotten you yourself went through. If you aren't ready for that, then send him away today - and forever."
"I'm not up for that. I know you think I'm selfish..."
"Don't put words in my mouth," she said in a low dangerous whisper. "I think you're probably the best of what can be found out there, and I have the same feeling about him. I know you better than you know yourself, Ryan, so don't dismiss me so easily."
"Sorry," he said ashamedly.
"You're both really into each other, but you're also both softer than you admit. You're not ready for the harsh world out there, but if you're there for each other, there is nothing you two can't face." It was like a hero speech, but he felt exhilaration at hearing it, and he was profoundly touched that she could put so much passion into her voice.
"I don't even know where to begin!" he said with frustration, and he added more sugar to his already sweet coffee. Becky had another sip and approved.
"Go on instinct. Stop being an intellectual and start using your heart. And don't you dare force him like I'm sure you did. Did you like the way I tactlessly jumped you today? I doubt it. So show a little respect to him, okay?"
He was thinking of what to say but even as she finished she jumped up, grabbed his face and kissed him deeply, before walking away. "So hot," she said while taking his empty cup with her.
He smiled at her emptily and watched her walk away. Turning his head, he stared out at the street and watched the people go by. He expected Sean to suddenly appear in the window, but wondered whether this was part of his selfish attitude - making Sean always run after him. Becky said many true things. He didn't agree with all of them, but he knew she was just trying to help and despite this, she'd read the situation expertly. He decided to go and find Sean. Yes. That was his decision.
He stood up and headed for the door and winked at Becky kindly as he caught her gaze. She smiled back at him encouragingly and waved. She was a true friend and he was relieved to get the whole flirting stress off his chest, even though it had never been anything anyway. Not that he knew that. He'd barely walked half a mile when he saw the unmistakable godly form of Sean walking his way. Disguised as usual, he appeared to be deep in thought and the cap hanging over his head accentuated his concerned eyes as they watched the sidewalk. His hair was untidier than usual, and he had a day's stubble to deal with. This was at least the second time he was heading over to this side of town. Shit, he must really be in the middle of something difficult.
He raised his head slowly, and his eyes widened with shock as he saw Ryan standing stationary a few paces in front of him. It looked like he'd been punched in the stomach, and his mouth hung open in shock. His hands were suddenly out of his pockets, and Ryan thought he was considering fleeing. He walked up to him slowly.
"Ryan, I just wanted to say..." he started in rapid, almost incoherent speech.
Ryan cut him off and grabbed him around the neck, like a school child being led away by an irate headmaster. "Just follow me, dumbass," Ryan said, and Sean shut up instantly. He looked at the ground and Ryan could see that his breathing was heavy. Sean was perfectly happy to have a scene in the street among a crowd of busy people, but he certainly was not. Sean was brainless in his messed up state, so Ryan took it upon himself to do the thinking. He led him to his apartment, and during the silent stroll he released his grip on Sean's neck and realised that Sean would tag along silently without resistance.
He entered his apartment twenty minutes later and threw his keys down on to the counter with a deep sigh. Throwing off his jacket, he turned to see that his apartment was still empty.
"Sean!?" he said, trying to keep his temper, and Sean entered slowly, still avoiding eye contact.
He walked up to the door and closed it behind Sean, who was all but catatonic at the scene he now found himself in.
"Relax Sean," he said, and the guy seemed to obey slightly. Some tension seemed to exit his shoulders and he took off his cap and ruffled his hair in a vain attempt to restore some order to his untidy mop of black hair. He looked sexy even in his dishevelled state, but Ryan pushed those thoughts out of his head.
Ryan went over to his kitchen counter and leaned forward slightly on it to watch Sean, who was now looking at him uneasily. "I like your place," Sean said shakily.
Ryan sighed and shook his head. "What am I going to do with you?" It wasn't even a real question. Ryan didn't know what he meant by it.
Sean's eyes widened when he heard the question, and Ryan wondered what interpretation he'd found in the enquiry. He rushed forward and put his hands on Ryan's shoulders and looked at him pleadingly. "Ryan, I'm so sorry!" he said desperately, and he felt Sean's hands grasp his shoulders painfully. "I'm so sorry! It's just that I can't deal with this! I've never felt this way! I'm not ready! I want to but I can't! I want you out of my mind but you keep coming back in! I hate this but I love it! I can't stand it anymore!"
Sean's arms and mouth were shaking, and his breathing was heavy. He was exhausted and his eyes almost seemed demented he was so anxious. Ryan was temporarily taken back by this display. He'd never actually seen such a blatant internal struggle in someone.
Sean continued unabated. "I'm trying... I really am. I want you as a friend. I know you hate me. I've acted so badly. I want... I mean I wish..."
Ryan pulled Sean towards him and hugged him tightly, and at once the nonsensical tirade ceased. He hugged him supportively and said nothing. He breathed into the nape of his neck. He heard Sean's rapid breathing slowly start to return to normal, but Sean's heart was pounding against his chest.
"It's okay," he whispered in Sean's ear. "Don't explain anything."
Sean exhaled deeply through his nose and his hands tightened around Ryan's back. He gripped Ryan's shirt and he winced as Sean grasped at his skin, pulling it painfully into his fists. His arms crushed Ryan and he was forced to breathe with a little extra effort. Sean leaned his head into the nape of Ryan's neck and exhaled. Sean sniffed a few times and Ryan could feel the moisture on his neck as the tears ran down into his shirt. He placed his hands underneath Sean's shirt and ran his hands up his back, which caused him to hug Ryan even tighter. Sean ran his one hand through Ryan's hair and down his neck, but he seemed to be pulling energy from the embrace. It seemed to be strengthening him.
"I love you," Sean whispered in his ear almost imperceptibly.
"I love you too," he replied softly, and Sean exhaled with relief.
After standing there for at least ten minutes, Ryan led them over to the couch where he lay down, and gestured for Sean to lie on him. The guy took off his shoes and smiled, his eyes were still red and exhausted, but his smile had changed, and a feeling of safety and relief was emanating from him. Ryan groaned slightly as Sean lay on him. The increased weight took a little adjusting. Sean's head rested on his chest and his hand stroked Ryan's chest underneath his shirt. Sean's foot moved up and down Ryan's leg, gently caressing it. Ryan merely stroked the back of Sean's head and let his other hand hang off the couch.
"I'm here for you."
"I know," Sean said quietly into his chest. "I've always known. It's why I came back each time."
Ryan couldn't help but smile to himself. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I won't do it again," Sean said.
"It's okay," Ryan said kindly. "But you will do it again. And again. It's what this is all about. But try as you may, Faris, you'll never get rid of me. It's you and me from now on."
Sean's hand gripped his chest again, and he flinched. Luckily Sean couldn't see his face. The guy didn't know his own strength. Ryan became aware of a pressure on his thigh and he looked up slightly. He could see Sean's pelvis making small regular thrusting movements into his thigh, and his hard on was relaying the message.
"Ryan?"
"Mmm?"
"I'm having ideas," Sean said simply.
Ryan felt his breath seize. Suddenly he was afraid of what he'd released upon himself. "Uh... show me?" he said, half-afraid, half-excited.
Sean's hand immediately exited his shirt and ripped it down the middle in one movement. Ryan gasped, then laughed in shock. Oh shit!
Thanks for any previous comments. Sorry for the delay between chapters, but you know... real life and all ;) Comments can be sent to rahvin747@yahoo.com