Every second that I have lived has led up to this moment. Her kiss, her touch, her smile - they all complete me. I am whole in her arms. I am comfortable...
A tear lazily makes its way down my cheek. I remember thinking these things - feeling that way. I remember The Kiss. I remember the feeling she gave me. I can't bring myself to believe that it was love, but the way that her spirit enveloped my soul and the contentment that I felt in her arms were priceless - like nothing I have ever felt before. I close my eyes and remember that first night - the night that I realized it is possible for me to care.
......
"If she wants to break up with me, that is fine, because I could really take care of her. Well, now she has given up her chance, and once you give up a chance with me, you never get it back."
I sighed. My best friend had just broken up with this heavenly creature before me, and now Arian and I were "hanging out." She was ranting about the breakup. How I wanted to kiss her, or to touch her breasts...
NO. I was straight. Every woman has these feelings for another woman once or twice in their lives, right? It was normal. It was OK to notice her beauty, but NEVER would I act on it.
"I can't believe she left me for Sunny."
Neither could I. Arian was perfect. Her smile lit a part of me that I thought was a broken wick that could never be rekindled. Her laughter was musical. She even called butterflies "flutterbies" - I thought no one else in the world did! She wore the same kind of perfume as me, liked the same music, loved to laugh, had her tongue pierced (sigh), and so on. The only difference was that she was a lesbian and I was straight.
"Let's watch 'A Bug's Life,' Arian."
So, that's how it started. In an effort to calm my desire for this enchantress, I decided that a movie would be good. A movie. In her house. Alone. With the lights off. We started the movie sitting next to each other. I stretched across her lap to pet the cat (the furry animal kind)- and stayed that way. By the end of the movie, I was in her arms for the first time. Just snuggling, in the arms of the epitome of sweet misery.
I was miserable, for I was falling pretty hard for a lesbian, and, dammit, I was straight. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell her! God knows, I had never made a first move on ANYONE in my life, much less a WOMAN. I had always been chased, and I thought I could never be courageous enough to actually take the chance of rejection. Then Catie (my best friend, her ex) called.
"I am being replaced by my fucking ex."
"No, you are not. They way I feel for Arian is completely different."
"Let me talk to Arian."
I handed her the phone. She made a face. God, she was so beautiful. She continued to make faces. I was walking over to her. What was happening? I was being drawn. I was sitting in her lap - facing her. What was going through my head. Nothing but her. Her and her endless charm. Catie was still talking. Arian was mouthing, "Blah, blah, blah." Suddenly, a force of emotion came over me - and I kissed her. I kissed her. It was perpetual bliss. NEVER, had a kiss held such a power over my heart. When we were done, Catie was still talking. Then, she wanted to talk to me.
"I know she is going to take my place. She is going to be your new best friend."
"I doubt it, Catie."
"Don't lie to me."
"You are not being replaced, Catie."
"Just partially removed," chimed in Amy, who was a friend of Arian's, and had just witnessed the whole thing.
"It's just like I was about to go out with some guy, Catie."
That's when Catie caught on.
"What!?!"
It was out. I had kissed a girl, and the feelings racing through my flustered essence were like nothing I had ever felt before. I was so relaxed with her. I could hold her, kiss her, care for her - not the other way around. I could do the chasing, for once in my life.
......
Arian broke up with me five days later. I never got any farther than a few more spectacular kisses. That first night, I slept in her arms. How I wish it had been different. How I wish I had been braver. I open my eyes to wipe the tears again. They never go away. I know they are not tears of love, for I did not love her. One can't love someone she has only known for a short time. They are tears of loss. I have lost a feeling of sureness. I was strong with her. I wasn't meek little me. I close my eyes again, and slip into my recurring fantasy of how things could have gone that night...
......
"Don't touch my ears! They are...well...sensitive."
"Really?"
We were are her room. Just me and her. The others are in the living room. She is playing with my ears. God, how much I want to be closer to her, closer than I have ever been to anyone. I am scared, for I am a virgin. I have never even "made-out" with anyone - not guys, and certainly not any girls. I am afraid of making love. She is not.
Her mouth makes its way from my ears to my neck, and gradually back to my ears again. She kisses my skin so softly that I think of flutterbies (I know she is thinking the same thing) landing on me. I smile, for I suddenly realize that this is where I'm supposed to be - with Her. She makes sex feel safe, and I had always been afraid of it. As her kisses reach my mouth, I wonder if the reason I had never been intimate is because my first time was meant to be this. Her tongue caresses mine with incredible skill, but I am not afraid that I am not an adequate kisser, because I feel complete.
As she continues to passionately kiss me, her fingers find my braless chest. I sigh for the upteenth time in the few minutes of our passion. She tenderly traces a line around my nipple, and gently brushes her fingers across it. I have never felt this much heat and force before. Her tenderness is undying, for she has reached the other one by way of a soft tracing of her hand. She playfully nudges my breast, and murmures, "God, you are so beautiful."
She has said I am beautiful. That is what I have always wanted to hear, and I realize that I will give in to her passion - and I am not frightened anymore.
Her mouth leaves my face as my shirt comes off. I have never felt this intense before, and I would have never imagined that this incredible woman could make me feel so phenomenal. Her mouth finds the breast that her fingers have already explored. I gasp, not because it hurts, but because the sensation is so incredible. Her tongue plays with the nipple the same way her fingers did, but this time, the feeling is magnified by 20. I sigh again, as she gently enfolds my breasts in such vicious delight.
Her kisses are making their way down my stomach now. I am very ticklish, but this time, the ticklish feeling makes me feel very warm and tingly all over, especially in between my legs. She concentrates on my belly-button, and the tingling becomes a steady roar. I moan, and realize that I am beyond sighing now. Rapture is entangled with rhapsody. Her tongue delicately caresses the sensitive area around my belly-button, and ends with a trail of kisses. I wonder why I haven't stopped her yet - why I haven't gotten intimidated.
Her hands are releasing my body from my shorts now. I am letting her - and have no intention of stopping her. In fact, I eagerly remove the confining panties myself. She gently kisses the inside of my thighs - in the same manner that is already driving me mad. She leaves a trail of kisses from my knee to my vagina. When she tenderly licks the lips, I feel a new wave of intensity that I did not know was possible. She is now showing me Heaven.
"You don't have to let me do this."
"Yes, I do. I will never feel at ease with sex again. You take away all my fear."
She takes her talented hand, and separates the lips. When her tongue makes it's first exploration of the VERY uncharted territory, I gasp, louder this time. MY GOD! I can't believe the feeling. She gently circles her tongue around my clitoris, and then takes it all in her mouth. She let's go, and circles again. She concentrates on that for awhile, and then her tongue falls to the sensitive opening, and the many excited nerves around it. Suddenly, the barbell in her tongue comes into play. She slowly moves her tongue in and out of the opening, concentrating on the excited area above it. She gets faster and faster, encircling my entire being with rhapsody. Delicately, she uses the tip of her tongue where the barbell was just seconds ago, and the barbell proceeds to the clitoris. Both areas become more excited at the other's expense. When she feels my climax coming, she slowly moves her tongue to concentrate fully on the clitoris, as her fingers explore the opening of a place that I feel will never be explored so thoroughly again. She enters me gently, for she knows that I am a virgin, and quickly finds my G-spot. The furious senses coming from both aflame areas are too much...
I am flying now. Soaring through a never-ending world of ecstasy. The sky envelopes my soul as I realize that bliss is here and now, and this feeling is like nothing I will ever feel again. Her smile, her touch, her laughter, her humor; they have all brought me here, to exquisite ecstasy. ......
I open my eyes again, and realize that is just me, and my virginity - no ecstasy today. The tears are a cascading waterfall now.. I will never feel that serenity again. I will never be able to chase another soul. I have had my chance, and that chance was lost. How I wish that I had lost my virginity then, to her, when I felt eased enough to do it - when sex wouldn't have been a frightening monster, but a beautiful act shared between me and someone that I could have easily loved some day. Someone who I would never regret offering my innocence to.