It's true! I'm not dead!!! And as much as I hated disappointing all my hardcore fans out there I had to take some time out for me. In fact I was busy visiting the real life 'Jeremy', someone I dated briefly for a while and who is the loose basis of the character in this story, and had the chance to play catch up and have some fun! I know that's no excuse as I only have 12 back-to-back chapters but I figure y'all understand. I DO, after all, have some form of a life! So for those of you who were patient and understanding, thank you! And to the few who sent e-mails inquiring about my state of being, thank you also! I just can't believe that we're nearing the end of this wonderful little journey!
I'm gonna skip the legal garbage this time. Y'all should know it by now and if you don't it's not my damn fault! You guys and gals should know the rules by now! Oh yeah, thank you to the female readers for sending in responses to let me know that I do have fans in the opposite sex! Happy readings!
-Darren ***********************************************************************
EVERYTHING I SAID
- Chapter 13 - Written by Darren LeVanelle
Well I got the chance to run in and take a quick nap before the show started. And that was a very good thing, for me anyways! I felt a little under still due to my relapse. The cool thing was that not one of the guys made any inquiries, and I really appreciated that. I didn't want to worry any of them and, except for James, none of them knew that I was gay. Well go figure. Another nice thing was that JC walked me to my room. He sure was being friendly a lot more recently. I wondered what changed in this past week that turned him from the normal 'father' of the group into someone a lot more laid back and cool. And YES, he is damn cute! I think he's starting to get to me but I can't think about that now.
He's prolly straight, has a girlfriend, and would scream if I turned out to be a fag also. There are only so many outings one can take in a single week. Take it from me. I know.
In fact JC had struck up a conversation with me as we took a walk back to my bus, which was parked WAY out in the boon docks!
"So are you feeling better?"
"Yeah. I'm still a little bushed though. But I'll be fine after a quick little nap."
"Cool." He seemed a little reluctant at first after that. We walked for a few more minutes before he started up again. "Can I ask you a personal question Jeremy?"
That got my attention in a quick New York second! "Sure." That was a risky thing in a way but what's the worse thing he could ask me? What kind of underwear do I prefer? Boxers or briefs?
"Actually I have two questions for you." Well there goes more points you've been accumulating. "First I wanted to know where you got the inspiration for that song you were recording?"
Ok. This was a little difficult for me. If I gave him the REAL reason behind it then I would be letting him know that I was gay. But then again. Hmm. Y'know this might work.
"Before I answer that I have to ask you a personal question."
"Sure." That was easy.
"Have you ever felt...attracted to a guy before?" Yes I did! Don't doubt my bitchcraft!!!
"WHAT?!?" Ok. I shocked him a little too much.
"Never mind. You don't have to answer. It's not that important." Why does he always have to be so surprising? I can't take this stuff around here anymore! What he said next was nothing short of baffling.
"It's ok." He took a deep breath as we neared the bus. "Yes. I have." He then looked over at me with those deep blue eyes and that serious look on his face. We got on the bus and headed back into my room. I suggested we talk more in there. I didn't want anyone else hearing this, as JC didn't seem very willing to talk about it. At least not at first. He sat down on my bed and explained.
"When I first met Justin on the set of the Mickey Mouse Club I felt a strange thing inside about him. We became really close friends real fast but that didn't seem to be the end of it. I didn't know what it was I was feeling since I was just a kid at the time and so was he." He gulped down, taking another long breath before he started again. Now I wish I hadn't opened MY big mouth. "When we finished filming the last episode he and I were just hanging out in the wardrobe room. Everyone else had left and we were just taking our time to say goodbye and all. Then I just kissed him. Not a big kiss or a long one. Just something quick and sweet. After that happened he looked at me with this weird look on his face. He didn't say anything for like 5 minutes and then he suddenly started giggling."
JC was acting so...sullen I guess. Damn he could use a dose of Fiona Apple right about now.
"Before I could say anything about it he rushed up in my face and...and..." He paused again and then said, "And he kissed me too. Just like I had to him. Quick and sweet. I still remember how I felt right then. Like there was something there between us that would make me want to try something with him, a relationship or something but it just ended up being a thing right then. I would have tried. I don't deny it. He means something to me but I'd never risk our friendship. Besides he doesn't seem to open to the possibility anyways." He turned to look at me just then. "Why do you ask?"
"Well the inspiration for that song came from a similar experience. There was this guy in my school. His name was Scott and I had a crush on him. It scared me. I never felt that way about a guy before. We became friends and I was willing to just have that. But we became really GOOD friends and one day everything changed between us when he kissed me after school. I was shocked. He was like the most popular guy in school. He had a girlfriend and all but he ended up kissing me. Well to make a long story short I lost my virginity to him when I was 15. It happened about a month after the kiss. I didn't know what I was or who I loved but everything with him felt so right. A week after it happened I went over to see him and he told me to leave and that we couldn't be friends anymore. And that hurt me more than anything. I didn't care if he didn't want to be 'mine' or anything like that. I just wanted my friend. I wished it could have been more but it could never be. Since then I try to distance myself from guys. I don't trust them and nothing like that has happened since." Ok I stretched the last bit quite a lot but I had to keep my secret for the moment. "And he's the person I was singing to in the song. I just wanted to know what I did wrong. Did I do anything wrong? That's something I guess I'll never find out so I got it out of my system by singing about it."
JC sat there and nodded after I was done.
"You had another question?"
"I think you already answered it." He gave me a hug and left. "Have a good nap. See you at the show."
The concert went fine as expected. I really enjoyed hearing JC branch out in to new territory when he covered The Cranberries song. It made me feel a lot more hopeful for these five guys in the future. What a shock! In the span of a week I went from being totally against even getting to know any of them to finding out one of them is gay, another has become a good friend and is bi, another one is a bitch who does have his sweet side moments, another loves writing and science fiction as much as I do, and the last is one of the most passionate guys I have ever met who has, or had, a crush on one of his band mates. Incredible. Incredible I say!
I wasn't exactly looking forward to the two days on the bus again. But we were gonna be in San Diego soon and actually be in a hotel! That meant a real shower! A real bed! Ah. The lives of the glamorous and those that work for them is not at all what it's cracked up to be.
When I got to the bus I noticed that all my stuff was gone. I looked around the whole damned thing and found nothing that was mine. When Amanda, the tour coordinator, showed up she asked what I was doing.
"I'm looking for my shit!" I was obviously pissed at the time.
Must've been on the rag today. Remind me to take my Midol.
"Didn't they tell you?" She asked as if I was the retarded one.
"Didn't who tell me what?"
"The guys. You're riding with them till we get to California." Well thanks a lot for letting me know guys. I felt like an idiot as I walked over to the other bus and hopped on board. I strolled on in to the game room, it needs a better title, and spoke my mind.
"Well thanks a lot for letting me know guys!" Yes. It was a repetitive statement but I can't keep my thoughts bottled up all the time.
"Sorry." Lance started up. "But Joey and JC wanted to shock you a little."
"Yeah. Me and JC decided that you should ride with us from now on."
"Why's that?" I peered around over at Chris and Justin who both didn't seem to mind that this whole thing was happening.
"Because...well I can't speak for everyone but considering everything that's happened over these past few days you've kind of become one of the family." JC said out loud while Justin got up and walked my way. Damn. Is he an Internet whore or what? And I thought I was bad. "And I'm not just saying that. I think each of us respects you more than what we lead on."
"I didn't mean to be such a dick to you." Justin said when he reached me.
"Yes you did." Chris, always trying to liven things up.
"Shut up Chris."
"Bitch!"
"Like I said, I didn't mean to be so bad. I'm just a little overprotective of my friends. After all," he spread his arms out to the other guys, "This IS my family now. And I wasn't so sure about you at first. But I think it's cool now."
"I really appreciate that Justin." He walked closer over to me and gave me a hug. Yeah. This was definitely strange. After we wrapped things up with the little family get together and all, the bus was already out of the Tucson city limits and we were on our way to good old California, my home state.
After two hours or so, things slowed down in the infamous room. Justin had been the last to leave and that left just me, and JC who replaced Justin on the computer. I was sitting down on the floor, scribbling away in my notebook that I wrote most of my lyrics in. It was cathartic in a way. Considering that most of the music I wrote was done on a computer or digitized in someway, I felt it necessary to do things the old fashioned way when it came to writing the lyrics. Besides I just can't write right when I'm on a computer. I was thinking about writing something along the lines of a Diane Warren tune when he started to gab.
"So are you feeling better?" Unlike Justin, JC actually looked up over the screen and at me when he talked. Funny how these guys were so different around me when it was just a one on one thing. JC became a little more open and not so shy like he normally was.
"Yeah. I still feel a little groggy but I can't sleep yet."
"Well why not?" Always curious aren't we?
"I have this damn chorus running through my head."
"Then catch it." Trademark grin, slight look away, and then gaze back down to the computer. Where have I seen this before? And why did it seem, or feel, so familiar.
"I would if I could stupid. But sometimes the songs I write have to be ready to come out. It's a Tori thing."
"A Tori thing? What's that?"
"Y'know. Tori Amos?" He sort of looked at me and shook his head. "She's this eclectic piano player that I've been listening to for years. Very talented. But anyways, she believes that all of the songs she writes are already there, just waiting to come out of her and be performed. To a certain extent, she and I share that ideal. I don't force the song to come out. If it happens easily then I know it's meant to be. If I have to force it then I know it's not right."
"Oh. Well what have you got so far?"
"Just a little bit of it. A chorus and nothing else."
"What kind of style? Is it a pop song, dance, ballad?"
"It feels like a ballad I think. Not sure if it will end up that way."
"Can I see it?"
"No!" I almost screamed it out as he reached for my notebook. "This thing is like a bible to me. I don't let anyone read it."
"Then can you read it to me?"
"Well I usually sing lyrics out. It helps me understand where I want the song to go."
"Well then...sing it!" Now he was being demanding with me. I hate dominant guys! So high and mighty and all. Damn Leo's!!!
"I don't know about that."
"C'mon. You have a good voice. Just sing."
"Alright." I relented to him cause, quite frankly, I wasn't in the mood to get in a brawl with anybody other than Justin. He just left himself wide open for it. I let out a sigh and started to sing out the chorus idea I had in my head.
'It doesn't matter if I'm not the one'
'I don't care if you have to leave'
'I just want you to know what you've become to me'
'Can't keep this inside, but you have to see'
'That everyday is a battle'
'For me to find out if what you say is true'
'Do you mean what you say when you tell me each day'
'That you know you love me'
'Well I think I love you too'
JC just stood there, looking lost in thought for a moment. He reached over to the table and grabbed some paper and a pencil and started to jot some stuff down. He was writing pretty fast like he had to get it out quickly. After he was done he asked me something that was another shock to my system. He was a very well taught musician.
"That's in the key of D that you're singing right?"
"Yeah." Quick study or just very informative. "Why?"
"Let me know what you think of this for a verse." He cleared his throat and went right into in before I could object.
'I was a stranger on a winding road'
'Looking for something'
'You didn't know me'
'But you passed me up along the way'
'And made me believe in something again'
'I was astonished by the look in you eyes'
'Looking for romance'
'I didn't stand a chance'
'But you convinced me with what you'd say'
'And made me believe in something again'
'I didn't know that you weren't the one for me'
'I just wanted it so bad, I could taste it'
'Promised to give you anything and everything'
'Had my heart in your hand and let you take it'
'It doesn't matter if I'm not the one'
'I don't care if you have to leave'
'I just want you to know what you've become to me'
'Can't keep this inside, but you have to see'
'That everyday is a battle'
'For me to find out if what you say is true'
'Do you mean what you say when you tell me each day'
'That you know you love me'
'Well I think I love you too'
He looked over at me and I just sat there mesmerized. "That was perfect." Then I had a sudden idea enter my head. It was kinda crazy but it was worth a shot. I took JC by the hand and ran down to the mini-studio. He was asking questions left and right but I didn't have the time to answer them till we got there.
After we made it inside I told him to sit on the chair by the microphone while I took a seat in front of the keyboard. "We are gonna do a live demo recording. Just for the hell of it." I turned the equipment on and set myself up to just do it. JC was looking puzzled. "What's wrong?"
"I've never done anything like this before." He looked so cute when he looked all embarrassed.
"Don't worry. I just got an idea for the music and thought that since this was just flowing already to just take a chance on it." He still looked nervous to me. "Just listen to the piano and feel your way through the lyrics. We're not going for perfection here."
"What about when we get to the second verse? I haven't written it yet!"
"Just wing it. You'll do fine."
The good thing was that D is the key I am most comfortable playing in. Just so happens it's the natural key of my singing voice since I learned how to sing belting out Journey tunes while in high school. The melody and harmony were at my fingertips and the music came out easily. JC followed my lead and sang the first part of the song perfectly. We then went into where the second verse would be and he added in lyrics that were just as amazing as the ones he had written down.
'I was a stranger straying from my path'
'Looking for nothing'
'You didn't see me'
'But you walked by me along the way'
'Could've sworn that I recognized your face'
'I was astonished by the smile on your lips'
'Looking for everything'
'I didn't bring that with me'
'But you convinced me that I'd try someday'
'And made me believe in my heart and my faith'
'I didn't know that we weren't meant to be'
'I just wanted it so much, I could feel it'
'Promised to give you something and nothing'
'Had me caught in your touch and had to make it'
'It doesn't matter if I'm not the one'
'I don't care if you have to leave'
'I just want you to know what you've become to me'
'Can't keep this inside, but you have to see'
'That everyday is a battle'
'For me to find out if what you say is true'
'Do you mean what you say when you tell me each day'
'That you know you love me'
'Well I think I love you too'
I switched into another key and gave a 2 bar instrumental so JC could figure out what I was doing. He caught my idea and continued to make it up as we went along. I too was following where he was going and just letting this song take us where it wanted to go.
'It doesn't matter if I can't hold you forever'
'I won't mind if you can't stay here tonight'
'I just want to be in your heart, us together'
'That's where we'll never part'
'That's where we'll always be right'
Then I decided to switch my mic on also and harmonize with him as best I could under the circumstances.
'It doesn't matter if I'm not the one'
'I don't care if you have to leave'
'I just want you to know what you've become to me'
'Can't keep this inside, but you have to see'
'That everyday is a battle'
'For me to find out if what you say is true'
'Do you mean what you say when you tell me each day'
'That you know you love me'
'Well I think I love you too'
I slowed down my playing and JC acted like a seasoned professional, taking every hint that I gave him with the music. No run-throughs or rehearsals. This was music in its purest form and I loved it. I stopped my singing and let JC take the chorus out to the end.
'And I know that you love me'
'Cause I've fallen in love...with you'
"That was fucking awesome!" I exclaimed immediately turning off the multi-track recorder.
"You really think so?" He was actually questioning the beautiful take we had just finished.
"Hell YEAH! That was just perfect! My dad would be so proud of me right now." I looked over at him with a faint glimmer in my eyes. God what an interesting guy he was turning out to be. "And I could just imagine what your mom and dad would say if they ever heard this and realized it was a one take!" JC blushed as I said that. So cute! So I placed a hand on his shoulder and said without thinking, "For what it's worth I'm proud of you. I've never met anyone who's been anywhere near as passionate with a song like you are. That was just music. Not pop music, not boy-band music, but just music. And it touched me very deeply."
"You're not gonna lapse into a temporary coma again are you?" I snapped my head back when he first said that. Then I saw him start to chuckle and I realized that he was joking with me. I grabbed him into a friendly hug and held him for a while. He felt so good in my arms. As I pulled away he just stared at me with his eyes, right into mine, and I was doing the same. It felt like I was looking at Philip, all over again, and that's when I realized why he seemed so familiar. Philip and JC were very close in the looks department and that might explain this attraction I seemed to have for him.
Then the unspeakable happened! Not quite unspeakable since I am talking about it right now. JC let his head drift towards me and I could see his lips starting to part as he came closer to mine. I froze in a panic-like state. Sure I would LIKE to kiss him but is that what I really wanted? Is that what he wanted? Well just as JC was about to make contact with me he stopped himself and pulled slowly away.
"I'm sorry. I can't believe I was about to do that?" He looked down at the floor and kept his eyes closed, looking very guilt-stricken or something along those lines.
I placed my hand under his chin and pulled his face back up so that he could look at me. "Would it have been so bad?"
His eyes fluttered open. "Yes. You work for me. That and I don't thin it would be such a great idea to have another male crush. I mean I am a pop star and all but...I just don't think that that's me. No offense Jeremy. I like you. I like you a lot. But I can't have something like this leaking out into the media. I mean, I trust you but it's not only my career on the line. Besides I hardly know you."
I felt a little disappointed, and ecstatic at the same time. Dreams are dreams and meant to be crushed I suppose. "But one kiss wouldn't be so bad would it? I mean, just one little kiss."
"Do you want me to kiss you?"
"I think so."
"That's not a good answer." He looked very serious this time as he leaned in closer towards me. "Do you truly want me to kiss you?"
"Yes." I said softly. "I do."
He leaned in quickly at me right then and...
*********************************************************************** TO BE CONTINUED???
A little longer for my delayed absence from Nifty and my SlashPage. Sorry but I did need the time and now I have more enthusiasm! Hooray for me! Anyways, the next installment, Chapter 14, will be the last one before 'Everything I Said-Finale' so you better be ready and waiting! Thanks again to all my wonderful readers! I LOVE YOU ALL! This is always about you guys! Anyways (I say that WAY too much) have fun reading! WooHoo!
-Darren ***********************************************************************