Title: A Song for Mama Series: Everyday I Love You More Author: Elisheva Date: 2/17/01 Pairing: Justin/Josh Rating: PG13-R for language.
Disclaimer: I do not know these wonderful men. Wish I did. But I don't. This is just c/o my wonderful imagination. This is real people boy boy love so if you don't like that sorta thing, don't read!
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Song: A Song for Mama by Boyz II Men
A Song for Mama
You taught me everything
And everything you've given me
I always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, yeah
I looked at my mother. She looked back at me. She dropped her eyes to the body lying still next to me. I moved my head as my eyes fell upon Josh's sleeping form. His head was turned into the pillow and one arm was draped over my belly. I looked back at my mother. I will never forget the look in her eyes.
" Mama?"
" Justin, what is this?"
" What's what Mama?"
" This, you two sleeping almost naked together!"
" Mama, please, you'll wake Josh."
" You know what, I don't care. I care about your well being, and this, this isn't good for you."
" What?"
" Justin, you and Joshua, are you together?"
I drop my head as the tears fall onto Josh's arm. I gently stroke his arm as I gather the strength. I look back up at my mother and nod.
" I'm gay Mama. And I love Josh. And Josh loves me."
I began to sob and shake with such velocity that I didn't hear Mama's cries.
There isn't anything
Or anyone that I can be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side
" Mama?"
I jump from the bed and go outside to sit by mother. I close the door so Josh can sleep.
" Please, don't hate me Mama, I cant the way I am. But I love the way I am."
" But, Justin, how can you live like this? The group, the fans, your future, is ruined."
" No, Mama, it isn't."
" I can't, I can't have a gay son,"
" But, you have gay friends."
" So? I want to have grandchildren! Now, now that'll never happen."
" Mama, of course it will. I can adopt."
" With Joshua?"
" Of course."
" I'm sorry Justin, but this is too much."
" What are you saying?"
" I'm saying. I'm saying. I'm saying, that until this is worked out, I can't see you."
" You're banishing me from the family?"
" I'm sorry dear, but I cant have this is my house."
You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were gray
Whenever I was down
You were always there to comfort me
" Wait! Mama, you can't walk out on this, on me! I need you."
" You obviously need Joshua more."
" Is that what this is about? You're jealous of Josh?"
"Don't you ever tell me I'm jealous of that little faggot!"
I slapped her. I never imagined hating my mother more than I did at that moment. And I didn't want to hurt her, but I couldn't let her hurt the man I loved.
" Right now, I don't want you as a mother more than you don't want me as a son."
And no one else can be what you have been to me
You will always be you always will be the girl
In my life for all times
" Justin, wait. Okay. Let's sit and talk about this. Come home with me. We'll talk this over with Paul, you'll get over this and life can go back to normal."
" Life is normal! I am normal!"
" But you're gay."
" So fucking what? So, I like men? So, I love Britney like a sister? So, I'll have to get married in Vermont? So fucking what? I love the person I am. And I love the person Josh aspires me to be. I love Josh! He is my life and my heart and my soul. He makes my life worth living. But the sad thing is Mama, you used to be that person, and now I have to let Josh take care of me. And you can't deal with that can you? Mama, I love you. And you will always be my mother. The woman who gave me life, but Josh is my soul mate, he breathes life into me. I need him like you need Paul. Like you need me."
Mama, Mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, Mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
" I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that about Josh, nor should I have judged you. But you're my baby boy. And I'm losing you. I thought I'd only have to do that on your wedding day, but now, you may never have one."
" You're not losing me Mama, though if you hurt me or Josh again, you may. Mama, you're still the queen of my heart. Nothing will change that. But now, Josh is the king of my heart as well."
Yes it is
Yes it is
Yes it is
Yes it is
Yes it is
" But. Alright. Lets calm down. I. I want to talk to Joshua."
" He's sleeping."
" This is more important than sleep now isn't it?"
" Yes Mama."
" Alright then."
" But, Mama, if you hurt him, so help me God, you will never see me again. Understand?"
You're always down for me
Have always been around for me even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong
Yes you did
I stood at the doorway as my mother crossed the room to my sleeping angel. She gently shook him from sleep.
" Justin? It wasn't a dream?"
" This isn't Justin."
Josh turned over quickly to see who was intruding upon his sleep. He turned his head and saw my mother face looking down on him.
" Mama Lynn, what's wrong? Is Justin okay?"
" I'm fine Joshy. Mama needs to talk to you."
" Uh, okay."
" What are your intentions for my son?"
" Excuse me?"
" What have you done to my son?!?
" Mama!"
" Justin, stay out of this. This is between Joshua and I."
And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on
" I didn't do anything to him Lynn."
" Then why is he gay?"
" Excuse me? I am suddenly a god and can turn men gay? Damn, I didn't know I had so much power."
" Don't sass me young man!"
" Fine. I didn't do anything to Justin. He is this way because God intended him to be. He loves me just as much as I love him."
" It isn't normal Joshua. I thought you had more sense than to start up something so stupid, and with my son!"
" Look, Lynn, don't go throwing around the word normal in this oh so not normal world of ours. We are as normal as you and Paul. The only difference, we are both men, but we love each other in same ways, and understand each other in the same ways "normal" couples do. What's so wrong with that?"
There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me
And say to me I can face anything
I looked at my mother as she continued to talk down to Josh. What could I do? I stood strong at the doorway. As much as this was my fight, and my mother, it was now Josh's fight, and my mother's battle. I cringed at her words. And I cringed at his tone of voice. If it came down to it, how could I ever choose. My mother or my soul mate and best friend. No one in their right mind should ever have to do that. But the thing is, I know I would have to. Josh would never let me leave my family. He's too kind like that. But, I could never leave Josh. He's my everything! I cant!
" Justin?"
" Justin!"
And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You'll always be
You will always be the girl in my life
" Don't make me choose, please don't make me choose!"
" Choose, choose what?"
I looked at Josh. I looked at my mother. She still had anger in her eyes. I knew the fight was far from over.
" Nothing."
They looked at me once more before delving back into a heated discussion.
" Do you love my son?"
" So much so. When he's not here, I ache inside. And when he's hurting, I hurt. I cry his tears, and feel his heart as it beats inside his body."
" How long?"
" Oh, wow, since the day he called me about NSYNC."
" How long has he loved you?"
" Since MMC."
" How long have you two loved each other?"
" Since last night."
" Last night!?! I though, I thought you had, I'm sorry. I was wrong."
" You though I had taken advantage of him? How could you have thought that Lynn, I though you knew me better than that."
" I thought I did too, but then, this, and he said, and this, I don't know."
" I'm sorry if we lead you to believe that that had happened."
" No, I'm sorry. I just, I need to know more."
" Okay."
" What are your intentions for my son?"
" To love him for as long as my heart is beating. And after that God willing."
" Does that mean, marriage?"
" One day," His eyes locked with mine.
" One day, when we are both ready, would love to become Joshua Timberlake. And raise a family. I can only hope to be as good a parent to my children as you are to yours."
" Me? I told my son he was a faggot. That it was wrong. That I didn't love him. How am I a good parent?"
" Aren't you sorry now? Don't you want him in your life. Don't you need him just as much as I do."
" Yes."
" Than you are a good parent. You love your son Lynn. Now you just have to realize that I do too."
Mama, Mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, Mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
My mother looked back to me. The tears in her eyes mirrored the tears in mine. She walked to me slowly.
" I'm so sorry. I just, I was wrong."
" Mama, I never stopped loving you. I never stopped needing you. I'll never not need you."
" I know that now."
Her arms around me. My arms around her. I was home. My mother, the queen of my heart. I rested my head on her shoulder and cried for what seemed like the zillionth time that day.
" You have a good man there Justin. Always know that."
" I know. I know."
Mama turned back to Josh. This time with a smile on her face.
" You take care of my son Joshua. I am trusting his ever being with you. Take care of him."
" Always and forever."
" Thank you Mama."
" You're my baby boy, you always will be. But sometimes, a parent has to let go. You'll learn that lesson one-day sweetie. You'll make a wonderful father. You both will. Your children will be lucky to have such loving fathers.
" I love you Mama."
" I love you too honey."
Never gonna go a day without you
Fills me up just thinking of you
I'll never go a day without my Mama
" I'm making a big dinner tonight. How about you boys come over tonight, after the studio."
" We were gonna go out with the guys-"
" Bring them. One big happy family. Alright?"
" Yes Mama."
" Yes Lynn."
" You need to eat more, such skin and bones on you children."
" We get it Ma, we get it."
" Just making sure. Well I should go. Lots to do. Justin, you be sure to tell you father about this. And Paul."
" I will. I'll tell Paul tonight and I'll call Dad and Lisa tonight."
" Okay boys. I'm off. See you later."
" Bye!"
Mama, Mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, Mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
" Is it safe to go home now?"
Lance peeked his head in with a smile.
" Lance, I didn't know you were still here."
" Yeah, I kinda fell asleep on the couch and woke up in the midst of chaos, so I didn't know what to do, so I just went and watched TV for rest of the time."
" It's safe man, go home. But be sure to come over to Mama Lynn's tonight."
" Will do. And I'll tell the others. Take care of each other you two."
" We will."
I watched Lance leave and close the door behind him. I walked to Josh and jumped into his awaiting arms. We just held each other. There was no need for more. Our life was perfect. Well almost perfect. We decided to sleep a little more until we had to go to the studio. I watched as Josh found sleep again so easily. I was not so lucky. But I just looked at him. Everything would be okay now. It had to be.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
The shrill ring of a cell phone shook me from my thoughts. It wasn't mine. It was Josh's I carefully picked it up from the bedside table and answered it.
" Hello?"
" Josh?"
" No, this is Justin."
" Justin, dear, it's Karen."
You are the food to my soul
Yes you are
( A song for mama, boyz II men)