Disclaimer: I dont claim to know them, just going with the flow of my imagination yall!
Note:
I havent written anything is QUITE a long time, i know. ive been asked about Love me, Destiny, and Forever in my heart. i'm on a long ass hiatus from those stories. i still brainstorm for them ALL the time, but this is the first time in a long time when i have been really inspired to write anything. for those who sent feedback, and asked about the stories, thank you so much for caring. it means so much to me that you take the time to ask. as for when the next posts will be out. i cant make any promises. if the insparation hits, i'll write, if not, it will take a little longer. thank you for your amazing patience.
On a more personal note. this story has some of my deeper emotions in it, and it combines a lot of issues that have in my life lately. so thank you for reading. and I adore getting mail. so feedback is always welcome. thank you.
a quick shout out to to a story yall should be reading: lance and justin and a hey to AJ--i swear, once school calms down im gonna catch up on josh and just! anyway. onto the story.
Are you gonna be there?
Have you ever really taken the time to look at him? His face amazes me every time I look at him. I don't know how to describe every line on his face except that beautiful and sexy just don't come close.
His cheeks, man, I know the girls go crazy for them, hell, the guys go crazy or them as well. His cheek bones, his jaw line. Exquisite. How his face indents inward slightly, and when he laughs, or smiles, his face is just so inviting.
I watch him. When we sing, when we dance. When he plays the piano for me, I watch him. He knows I watch him. He sometimes watches me watching him. He's always there, for his best friend, all the time. But sometimes, sometimes I think that's not enough.
If I was down
Would your arms lift me up
To higher ground
With just the strength of your love
If I was lost
Would I find something in your eyes
To lead me home
I love him. With every nerve and bone and being in my body. And it's funny now that I think about it. Josh introduced me to Britney. And it was Britney who introduced me to true love. And it was Britney, and her devotion for me, who told me to go with my heart. She said she had, in some way, always known. I'll always love her for that. Because I know, even though she knew, she loved me.
But now, I have him, well, I have the chance to have him, as mine forever. And I don't know if that's enough for me. Sure, I'm free to have someone, but do I get to be lucky to find my soul mate this early in life?
I've had discussions with Lance about people who throw out the words best friend and soul mate too early in life, and regret it. Because the words are said, you seem to meet the person for the first time, and it destroys the friendship and what was. If that happened with Josh, and I couldn't drown in his sea blue eyes anymore, I don't know what I'd do.
And if it all went wrong
Would you be there to hold
It's easy to be there through the good times
But when the times get hard
Would you stay or walk away
Maybe this is enough. Maybe as it is, is as it will be. I want so hard to believe that. But then he asks he to come sit by him as he pens a song, or tries to come up with the tune to a love song, and I drown in his eyes. And his rich laughter when I say something funny.
I never thought I would be the one to describe someone, openly, as cute. But there are things about Josh for which I am the only one who sees them. Like the twinkle in his eyes as he laughs with me. Or how when he's sad he'll ask to crawl in bed next to me so he can run his hands through my hair. I never question it, and he never asks.
I suppose my love for him began as the strongest bond of friendship. And it still is. Friends before lovers is my motto. I can sit next to him, my head on his shoulder, as his fingers grace the 88 shiny keys on his piano. Sometimes I wanna take his hands in mine and ask for forever. Because these are the moments I cherish. But I don't. I don't have the nerve to ask.
Are you gonna be there when the rain comes
Are you gonna be there with the water
Can you say you'll be there with the river
Are you gonna be there
Will you stay by my side through the bad times
Through whatever will be, will you still be mine
Will you stay in my life for a lifetime
Are you gonna be there
We sing these love songs, day after day, and day after day, my love grows. I have this journal. I write him love songs. It's sort of my safe haven for when the day gets too hard. I go and I fill another page with my thoughts. Kinda of like this page. Sometimes I infuse one of our songs that is apparent in my life at the moment. Sometimes I write my own poems. Sometimes I just doodle, to get the energy out. Other days I feel like throwing the book across the room in frustration.
The only one who knows, other than Brit, is Lance. I didn't tell him. He found my journal on my desk one night when he was over. He never mentioned it. But I know he knows. When I lock myself in my hotel room, and my sobs shake the walls, he sends the others away and makes sure food is sent to my room. When Josh sits outside my locked door with his keyboard, Lance makes sure the other guys are at a club or down at the bar. He knows. He doesn't ask questions. On some level, I guess he understand my pain. Not that he wants Josh too. But I suspect there is someone in his life, like Josh is in mine. But it's not my place to pry. He's never asked questions, so I don't.
When I need someone to hold
Someone there for me
Are you gonna be there
In my world
If it should all fall down
Will you be there
Be there to turn it around
He's here now. Outside the room with his music. It's a little different having him soothe my cries here at home. Because my mom is here, and she needs to be the one who takes care of me. But when she can't, and Josh can, it hurts her. But I cant help it. It's his voice, above all else, that calms me.
If you ever think you hear angels singing, that's Josh. For me, he's my guardian angel down here on earth. Above being the man I love, above being my best friend, and soul mate, he is my strength to be the best Justin I can be. I thank God for him everyday. I don't think I would have gotten to be who I am today, without him in my life. I know that's a lot to say for just one man. But he's this incredible human being that cures tears with just a smile, but can cause them with one too.
Will you still care (care)
Can I depend on you
To see me through this life
And if it all goes wrong
Will you still make it right
It's easy to be there through the good times
But when the times get hard
Will you still be on my side
There are some days when I think I have all the strength in the world. I drop everything, and I go to find him. And I'm totally prepared to tell him everything. But I reach him, I inhale his intoxicating scent, and I forget everything except here sits a man who would do anything for me, and I can't risk that.
What if he turns away from me? What if he hates me? What will happen when he's sad and I can't be there to comfort him anymore. What if? All these thoughts and more cloud my judgement and I turn around as fast as I ran there in the first place, take my place a few feet from him, and go back to watching him again.
He watches me run away. I know he does. And I can feel his tears run down my face because he thinks it's something he did. And he stays away for a couple days. And my sobs are more frequent, and heavier. Then he comes back, music and all. And our cycle starts again. But it gets too tiring. I can't live like this anymore. But I don't know what else to do.
Are you gonna be there when the rain comes
Are you gonna be there with the water
Can you say you'll be there with the river
Are you gonna be there
Will you stay by my side through the bad times
Through whatever will be, will you still be mine
Will you stay in my life for a lifetime
Are you gonna be there
I keep writing about the little things he does for me. But what about the big things. Like when he bought me Bulls season passes during MJ's final season in Chicago. I couldn't go to every game, but each one I went to, he was by my side.
It's things like that that make me think that maybe what we have is stronger than any thing non-plutonic could be. I would die for Josh. And I know he would die for me. What else does one need in a world filled with chaos? I know I can come home and find him waiting for me, to play a new song, or to play basketball, even when he's really tired after a day in rehearsal. It's those things that make me wanna rethink this being in love thing. But then I think of how much stronger we could get. But is it possible for two people who already love each other so much, to love more, but in a different way? Sometimes I don't even wanna find out.
When I need someone beside me
Someone there for me
Are you gonna be...
There with the arms to hold me
There with the love I need (there with the love, all that I need)
(There) Will you be there
Heart and soul I need you now
She tells me it's worth it, even if that in love love only lasts for a short while. Because the friendship will return. She says this with confidence, as if she knows what I'm going through. Then I realize she knows exactly what I'm going through.
So, Josh, what do I do? Do I continue to write you these imaginary confessions or do I take Britney's advice and go for it. I hear your footsteps on the wooden floors as they edge closer to my room. You've come to check on me, to see if I am sleeping, or if I want to join you and the gang for a movie. I said I wasn't feeling well, but I had these thoughts, and I had to get them down on paper.
Are you gonna be there
Are you gonna still care
(are you gonna still care)
Are you gonna be...Yeah, yeah
Will you stay by my side
(stay by my side)
Are you gonna be mine
Are you gonna be there
(are you gonna be there...)
Suddenly the footsteps stop, and I hear the sounds of cloth sliding down the wall. How I've come to adore that sound. I know you are close by each time I hear that. I close the book and walk to the door. I slide down so my back is to the door. His back is on the other side. He doesn't knock. He never does. I can hear him breathing as his head hits the door gently. I hear his finger tap the floor. I feel the tears I didn't know existed slide down my face. It's getting so hard not to tell him.
Are you gonna be there when the rain comes
Are you gonna be there with the water
Can you say you'll be there with the river
Are you gonna be there
Will you stay by my side through the bad times
Through whatever will be, will you still be mine
Will you stay in my life for a lifetime
Are you gonna be there
He hears my tears, though they appear to be silent. I climb into bed. And pull the covers up to my chin. He sings to me as I fall asleep. I remember thinking that the song mirrors my thoughts. I quickly write down the lyrics and place my head back on the pillow.
~ Justin Randall January 15, 2001 11:46p.m.
Are you gonna be there when the rain comes
Are you gonna be there with the water
Can you say you'll be there with the river
Are you gonna be there
Tears splash over the pages. Page after page the words are slightly smudged with the tears of love, and sadness. Josh looked out and over the book to a sleeping Justin. He kneeled next to his friend and kissed his forehead.
" Justin."
From his sleep, Justin seemed to smile, as if he had heard the older man. His breathing slowed and he drifted into a deep sleep. Josh placed the book back next to his sleeping angel, closed the lights, and went back downstairs.
The moment Josh left the room, Justin sat up in bed, tears streaming down his face. A nightmare had racked the young man's mind. He picked up his journal. He saw the tear stains. He opened to his last entry. He read the last line. It wasn't his writing.
He fell back to sleep with the vision of what was written implanted on his brain. He smiled in his sleep.
Will you stay by my side through the bad times
Through whatever will be, will you still be mine
Will you stay in my life for a lifetime
Are you gonna be there
"I'll always be there Justin, always."
( Are You Gonna Be There, NSYNC) ~~~~~~~~ What do you think? Please let me know. thank you ~Elisheva MrClean290@aol.com OR BritsChick1@hotmail.com