I just want to say thanks for those who have taken the time to write. Well thanks.
Chapter 4
So you know those awkward silences where you are worried about what the other person is thinking and so you stay quiet hoping they will come up with something to say? The ride to school was the total opposite; and I loved ever minute of it. I could not believe that anything could be this easy, and I could not wait to see where this ended.
He talked the whole time and I learned a lot about him. He told me that he is a single child, he said "The closest thing to a brother he has ever know is his dog. And his parents ended up loving the dog more". His dad does something to do with wood, construction or cutting it down, I was not really paying attention (did I mention that his hand was in my lap the whole time) but even know near the end the words began to blur in my mind. I was captivated by his voice, his beautiful voice. (And lets face it his warm hand, which was working its way north, to the pole. Ha I just came up with that one)
Before I knew it we had pulled up to the school, and his hand left my lap and he faced me with that smile of his. "So... what now?", was the question that exited my mouth first.
"Well I don't know, I have never acted on an attraction to a guy before, it's new to me", he said with a slight smile on his face.
"So do you want to come out... because holding my hand is going to be weird if you are playing it butch", I then saw what I was dreading, a look of panic crossed his face.
"Jacob I like you... but I just don't know if I am ready for that, I mean I see how people treat you and...", his voice trailed off and he looked down into his lap.
"You mean the way they treat me for being what I am, for being who I am. I am not ashamed of, anything I have done. It has been hard but I am so much happier not living that lie anymore", I was angry that he would bring up how others would treat me, and I am horrible at expressing my feelings, but I felt important to try.
"Jacob I am sorry...", was all he could say. He turned to me at last and his eyes did not sparkle and he did not smile. And I just could not stay mad. (So this is what being whipped is like, interesting it does sting a little bit, what is that... aww my pride)
"It's alright, not everyone can be as strong as me", I joked and then struck a pose flexing my muscles. And he laughed, and that is what I wanted for him. Happiness. "Come out when you are ready, no one should force you out", I said with a smile.
"Okay well then great, maybe we can get together again soon", he said and then rubbed my cheek with his hand. (Did I mention that little things like that really turn me on, like I almost broke his center console and took him right there)
"Well I think it is time to go, school and all", I said finally. "But maybe we could sit together at lunch".
"Yah sure", was all he would say. He grabbed his back pack from the back seat and stepped out of his car.
"Don't act to excited", I said to the empty sit next to me. I then followed suit and grabbed my bag and head out of the car. When I emerged I thought for a moment that we might walk in together but he had already taken off a crossed the parking lot and was almost inside.
"Great end to breakfast, maybe after lunch he will punch me in the mouth", was the thoughts that we coursing through my mind as I slowly walked to the doors.
You know those kids that the instant they walk through the doors they are welcomed by herds of friends and hearty "Hey man, or Hello". Would you like to know what I get when I walk through the doors at my school? Awkward stares and more then one "fag, or Queer", coming from out of the sea of teenagers. Can I really blame Even for not wanting this?
"Jacob there you are", came a friendly voice from the sea of hostility. Faithful Kenny, gosh he is swell.
"Hey Kenny, how are you today", was my glum response.
"Dude what wrong, your head looks a lot better, so give me a smile", and Kenny laughed and punched me in the arm
"Hey I am a delicate flower over here not so hard", I replied, rubbing my arm and watching him crack up I could not help but laugh.
"SOOO how was your visit from Evan", he said quietly as we walked shoulder to shoulder down the hall, ignoring that constant snickering and reenactments of my door stopping performance yesterday.
"It was good, confusing but good. We had breakfast this morning", I could not help but smile. Breakfast was good, next time I will just hitchhike to school.
"Oh my god, is he well you know..." his voice trailed off but his smile only got bigger. Here is a funny thing about Kenny, he has literally hit people in the face for calling me the worst names imaginable, but he can't seem to bring himself to say the word gay.
And here is my dilemma, do I tell Kenny Evans secret or do I lie to my best friend. "I think he might be", was all I could get out.
"Well then good, I thought he might be doing this to make fun of you, I was totally ready to kick his ass. "Well I will see you at lunch, you have first period with Evan. Don't do anything I would not do".
And I laughed before I said, "Fine, fine I won't use the word gay", and with that he disappeared into the crowd, laughing out loud.
I was a little nervous being alone in the hall surrounded by the ignorant hatred of my fellow class mates. I hurried on my way, and then realized to myself that at breakfast we had never gone over any class work we had gotten together to discuss. I might be in trouble, not like the time I was caught reading a book while the cheerleaders were ten feet away do there stretches. That was funny.
I took the first sit I could find and sat there quietly trying not to watch the door. And then he came in, surrounded by an entourage of laughing sluts. Oh that's right the rare and majestic slut, not in there natural environment (back seat of any car with legs open explaining the smell) but still enough sluts to turn a gay mans stomach. "Ignoring them huh, I am kicking Alex right where his balls should be when I get home", was all I could think.
We made eye contact for a second and he half smiled, I was expecting him to come sit down in one of four empty sits surrounding me. And for the second time today he surprised me, he sat on the opposite side of the room. Laughing at some stupid joke and acting like he did not know me.
The rest of the class went by in a whirl of hurt feelings and long lectures from a balding heavy set man talking about math I would never use again. (Do teacher decide that our knowledge should range from the practically useless to the obscenely stupid)
I got up quickly and headed toward the door head down and to many thought whirling through my head for me to pin one down, when from behind me I heard someone yell out "Hey fags power walk like they don't like the stick that is up there ass".
I turned (I don't know why) and noticed that the guy that had said it was standing right next to Evan laughing hysterically. And Evan did not seem to need to correct him. I don't know what was going through my head at that moment; I turned around very quickly and headed to my next class. Eyes cast down and my spirit was at an all time low. Today was not interesting, it was like so many others I have had before. And it was not over yet.